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The blog is actually at:
http://diovanalth.net/
I have no intention of cluttering up a blog here with an entire novel. I came to TL for forum mafia and those are the people I'm familiar with here, but feedback from anyone is appreciated.
The prologue has been published on the linked site and the first chapter will be posted later this week.
On that note...
On September 22 2015 21:09 Acrofales wrote:I agree with Slam that the first paragraph is problematic, but disagree that the suffocation is the problem with your intro. The second sentence makes it clear that he might not be actually suffocating. However, it is some strong language, and I want to know more about whatis happening. Instead, we get this: Show nested quote +… It was the unmitigated glare of the twin suns that most stirred up Ninian’s nostalgia for the everlasting twilight of Girael, where the trees were so thick that even light like this could barely penetrate. This is not the kind of sentence that I was expecting after the start. And less still after the ...s. I will continue reading, but my firt thoughts are that this is a very incoherent followup. Instead of introducing the man, you introduce the world. Then why create the expectations regarding the man? Also the sentence is pretty complex. We haven't been told the man's name yet, so Ninian’s might be the man, the city, the planet... anything. It takes effort to parse this and see that while the man is so uncomfortable he thinks he's suffocating, he is reminiscing about some other place. EDIT: btw, this request for feedback should really be in the blogs section. EDIT 2: read it all through. There's a few typos here and there, but I agree with Slam that it gets off to a decent start. Some sentence structures are more convoluted than they need to be, but if you publish, a semI decent editor will fix that. My main stylistic quibble is with you referring to Ninian as "the man" too often. Sometimes so that it's confusing: either refer to him by name, or with "he".
I definitely appreciate the feedback and will look into the overuse of "the man". Regarding the complexity and ambiguity of the style...for the most part that is intentional and I'm aware that it's not everyone's preference. I like playing with perspectives and giving the reader the room to make his own interpretations of what is happening or what is "real". My intent is not to completely confuse anyone, however, so if there's a section that's practically incomprehensible to you, please point it out!
 
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Cool concept!
On September 22 2015 20:30 rsoultin wrote:
The style is limited omniscient...although I won't stick with the same character all the way through, the idea is the setting is defined by the perception of the character you're following. In general I won't be using a lot of exposition outside of the character's thoughts and observations on various things. Not everyone likes that style but I feel like it adds a layer to the character development and let's me focus on the action of the story more.
"the aging man was making good use of his walking staff, a pounding headache pulsing behind his eyes. Blasted sunlight."
I do admit that I found the narration a bit confusing at a few points. Previously, the narrator had been conveying the thoughts of a character to the reader. For example, "Ninian studied his face, deciding that it was just the extreme difference between this city and what Rei knew". Yet here it seems as if the character is speaking directly to the reader by referring to the Blasted sunlight.
"Lights suddenly flared, distinct faces erupting around him despite the arms before his face that should have prevented him from seeing. No, that…wasn’t possible…"
Same idea here. Does the narrator think this is not possible or is Ninian the actual narrator? If it is the latter then the perspective seems inconsistent earlier on in the sequence.
Perhaps others feel differently though.
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too long didnt read
:D
My feedback is that while the design looks exquisite, the sidebar really needs to be able to pop back so that the reader can be more immersed
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On September 23 2015 01:21 JudgeJudy wrote:Cool concept! Show nested quote +On September 22 2015 20:30 rsoultin wrote:
The style is limited omniscient...although I won't stick with the same character all the way through, the idea is the setting is defined by the perception of the character you're following. In general I won't be using a lot of exposition outside of the character's thoughts and observations on various things. Not everyone likes that style but I feel like it adds a layer to the character development and let's me focus on the action of the story more. "the aging man was making good use of his walking staff, a pounding headache pulsing behind his eyes. Blasted sunlight." I do admit that I found the narration a bit confusing at a few points. Previously, the narrator had been conveying the thoughts of a character to the reader. For example, "Ninian studied his face, deciding that it was just the extreme difference between this city and what Rei knew". Yet here it seems as if the character is speaking directly to the reader by referring to the Blasted sunlight. "Lights suddenly flared, distinct faces erupting around him despite the arms before his face that should have prevented him from seeing. No, that…wasn’t possible…" Same idea here. Does the narrator think this is not possible or is Ninian the actual narrator? If it is the latter then the perspective seems inconsistent earlier on in the sequence. Perhaps others feel differently though.
That is a good point. There's definitely some mixing...is it super distracting/confusing, though?
On September 23 2015 03:05 JieXian wrote:
too long didnt read
:D
My feedback is that while the design looks exquisite, the sidebar really needs to be able to pop back so that the reader can be more immersed
Took the advice. I'm no html expert so just searched for a good theme that had a collapsible sidebar...I think this one is pretty clean? Layouts are not my forte.
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much better! Something like this is much more immersive since your target audience isn't 9gag readers who need to see a lot of stuff everywhere to click :D
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Regarding my earlier commentary, here are some of the uses that don't make a lot of sense:
“And miss the High Summer Festival? Who knows how many I have left?” The man commented breezily, his smile holding a trace of wry humor.
At this point, the man can refer to either Ninian or the Head Keeper. Because we don't know his name yet, the Head Keeper makes more sense. However, when taken the whole sentence into account, it clearly cannot be the head keeper, and has to be Ninian. I don't really see much point in intentionally creating this type of confusion.
Slipping inside, the old seer made his way directly to the small pool of water
Who is this old seer? This is another new way of referring to Ninian: while we know he is old, and he has been referred to as seer by the head keeper, it is not really established yet. I understand that this is probably meant to introduce us to Ninian, and reinforce that he is a religious elder in this community, but abruptly referring to him in different ways like this is a bit confusing.
Awaking with a gasp, the man all but bolted upright, squinting his eyes against the too-bright light and the body blocking some of it from the doorway.
After the dream sequence, we aren't sure whether the man is Ninian or some new unknown character until a sentence later.
Obviously, if this is the writing style you want to maintain throughout the book, getting people accustomed to having to think about who's who in the prologue is probably a good start in training them on how to read your book. I just find it a rather jolting style. Rather than reading the story for the story, I need to puzzle out who is being referred to.
I will read Chapter 1 later today or tomorrow, depending on when I have time 
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I definitely see your point.
At the same time, we have a dialogue between the Head Keeper and Ninian, with the boy as a bystander. The line you referred to is a response to what the Head Keeper said. Perhaps it would be more clear to say "Ninian commented," but within context there isn't much to confuse; the Head Keeper is very unlikely to be holding a conversation with himself.
Again, the second reference is clear within context. Only Ninian has been referred to as a seer. We know that he is old. The paragraph thus far has referred only to him. It is the first time he's been called specifically the "old seer," however each designation has to be new the first time, yes? Referring to people in different ways is to avoid saying "Ninian walked. Ninian turned. Ninian spoke. Ninian, Ninian, Ninian..." Pronouns are problematic because all of the characters introduced thus far are male.
As for the third...yes it's possible that it could be a new person referred to as "the man." It's just not terribly likely. We had a man and a boy in a room. The man was dreaming.
I definitely understand that the reader has to perhaps think about who I'm referring to here, but you'll probably see that playing with how characters are designated within a story is pretty common regardless of who is writing. If it's unclear within context or someone has to go back and really look hard to figure out what is going on...or, worse, realizes halfway down the page that they attributed an action or a statement to the wrong character...then that's something I definitely want to correct.
These examples are just part of the style, however.
(I almost didn't want to respond cause I actually really appreciate the feedback, and I know this may make it seem like I don't  I went back to check each of these sentences, so thank you!)
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EPT
