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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
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2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
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4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
Okay, so the whole reason I tried online dating very recently (I could not get Tinder to work though, doesn't want to send me the code qq) was to get out of my comfort zone. Taking or enjoying a conversation with someone online for too long is exactly my comfort zone. I'm a great listener, I'm good with words, and depending what the conversation needs (and who I am talking to), I can be an 8 years old meme-god or someone who uses peculiar vocabulary and gets real.I guess this might be called a people pleaser, but it's a rather subconscious trait of mine, I'm easily molded by the things and people around me.
Bottom line is, making friendships or even radiating an attractive personality (depending on my mood) would not be new to me. I don't think it's hard for anyone to be the king of their own little world. However, it's exactly what I want to avoid, because it did not me much good so far. I'm deliberately trying to be more blunt and straightforward now online - that is to say, if I'd hit it off awesomely with someone from the get go, I would not sabotage it by acting indifferent or stuff like that.
The other reason, is that talking online can be woeful. Like, there's this chick I talked about yesterday; it's not easy nor much fun to hold a conversation when she can only message me on and off while at work. Asking a question which gets replied 1,5 hours later, or rolling a conversation for 8 mins, then she's gone. Now, some of you might remember me and know that I'm an overthinker, and what a perfect opportunity this is to overthink stuff. She could surely message me more after/before work, right? Maybe she's not interested! Oh wait, but she's sending questions back in my way too, so maybe she is interested! See, I'm trying not to do any of that stuff. The faster we meet, the faster we can have an uninterrupted conversation and it should be more obvious whether we are interested in each other or not.
For example, I pretty much feel like I've already hit a wall due to either the impractility of our conversation or her lack of interest. Either way, I feel like asking her out even cold (and by that I mean we are not in the middle of some "XDDDD" discussion) should be more beneficial than to just throw random questions at her.
I do understand there is no golden rule nor golden line, and it's possible I just want to jump through some of the more inconvenient parts of the dating game.
Also, I already met with some probably well-known (to you) specimen of this game.
1. The girl who has a boyfriend, but their relationship is in shambles, but they are still together. Still, she actually agreed to meet me next weekend. I'd be surprised if she didn't have something "sudden" interfering with it eventually, but it's not like I'm treating this seriously. At best she just want a hookup, at worst I can practice my conversation skills with a girl without anything on the line.
2. The girl who is friendly with everyone and has no idea what she wants. You see, she was the one whom it was the easiest to hit it off. She was open, straightforward, really easy to talk to and actually liked her personality. However, it was a huge red flag how she could change opinions three times in two minutes. She was all over the place. I knew she rapidly befriended people online and I knew she was heavily lacking in the soul department, because her (Fbook)wall was full of those motivational quotes and she kept saying how strong and determined she was - I bet! Of course, I proposed a meeting asap, and first she said okay, in the coming day, then she remembered she has exams this week, than later that night she said all right, let's meet tomorrow, and after I went to sleep she messaged me that she's really sorry, but tomorrow's not okay because she'd be too tired and she blahblahblah. See, we could probably talk through many nights, and then the realization that it's just her nature would suck a lot, because I would've already made myself believe I'm on track.
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Why did I go to sleep and miss this huge debate  ?
I think both DPB and Igne has good points.
If you feel comfortable asking her out, do it. There is literally no reason to wait. However as DPB said, she might not be up for a date after you have sent 5 messages, but there isn't a sure way of knowing without asking her.
This has happened to be a couple of times, it even happened with the girl I am currently 'dating' (read having sex with). She was kind of apprehensive about seeing someone so fast, and I told her pretty much exactly what I said to Volband in the beginning. That I didn't see the point having boring conversations online and would rather just meet fast for a walk and see if we click or not. She thought that the logic was sound and agreed to a date right then.
It happened with a girl I dated in Janurary, she felt it was too early, and asked if we could talk more before deciding. I entertained her but didn't see that girl as a reasonable alternative so I just continued looking. I did go on multiple dates with her later and she has been the most enjoyable girl to talk to even though nothing really came out of it except cuddles.
TL:DR
Ask them out early.
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On June 03 2016 17:04 bloodwhore~ wrote:
It happened with a girl I dated in Janurary, she felt it was too early, and asked if we could talk more before deciding. I entertained her but didn't see that girl as a reasonable alternative so I just continued looking. I did go on multiple dates with her later and she has been the most enjoyable girl to talk to even though nothing really came out of it except cuddles.
If I may ask, how come?
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On June 03 2016 17:17 Volband wrote:
If I may ask, how come?
Well I could have seen her more and hoped that some feelings might appear, but I felt like that wouldn't happen. She wasn't interested in anything other than a real relationship so I broke it off.
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On June 03 2016 13:54 WarSame wrote:
It's funny because both of you were pretty much saying "ask her to meet when you feel comfortable from the conversation" and somehow that spun into a huge ideological difference.
Yeah lol. I never really saw much of a difference between what I said and then what IgnE added, but apparently IgnE did. I think he just elaborated a bit more on one of the points I was making, which is great.
On June 03 2016 14:43 Jealous wrote:Show nested quote +On June 03 2016 13:54 WarSame wrote:
It's funny because both of you were pretty much saying "ask her to meet when you feel comfortable from the conversation" and somehow that spun into a huge ideological difference. I'm looking to stock up on more good date ideas in or around Toronto. We've done go karting, an escape room, movies, hikes, dinner, etc. We're planning on doing salsa and the Toronto Islands. I know there must be a lot of good things to do in Toronto but any of the sources I've read seem more like commercials or ridiculous. Anyone here living in Toronto know any good spots? I don't recommend movies because that forces you to sit silently facing the screen for 2+ hours with no direct interaction. Sitting and watching a movie is not doing something with one another. Find out what she likes to do then do that. Do what you like (if it's interactive) and that's a date. Date -> Dinner -> GG
Agreed when it comes to first dates/ still getting to know the person. I think WarSame might be past that point, since it sounds like they've already tried a bunch of other cool things.
Bowling and miniature golf are always favorites of mine, as are picnics and parks 
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On June 03 2016 14:43 Jealous wrote:
I don't recommend movies because that forces you to sit silently facing the screen for 2+ hours with no direct interaction. Sitting and watching a movie is not doing something with one another. Find out what she likes to do then do that. Do what you like (if it's interactive) and that's a date. Date -> Dinner -> GG
Movies are fine for dates if you watch them at HOME where you can cuddle. Cuddling at the cinema is a bit more awkward. Definitely not first date material as other have mentioned though.
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On June 03 2016 19:27 bloodwhore~ wrote:Show nested quote +On June 03 2016 14:43 Jealous wrote:
I don't recommend movies because that forces you to sit silently facing the screen for 2+ hours with no direct interaction. Sitting and watching a movie is not doing something with one another. Find out what she likes to do then do that. Do what you like (if it's interactive) and that's a date. Date -> Dinner -> GG Movies are fine for dates if you watch them at HOME where you can cuddle. Cuddling at the cinema is a bit more awkward. Definitely not first date material as other have mentioned though.
Yeah, a "Netflix and chill" date at home is very cool
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On June 03 2016 19:42 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:Yeah, a "Netflix and chill" date at home is very cool
Lol. It doesn't necessarily have to be fucking going on, it is still cozy to just sit and relax while you slowly thrust your massive throbbing cock inside her pussy while she screams in ecstasy. Oh wait.
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Yeah Volband, see the thing is I have experience, I have done what you are doing - long conversations online, back and forth for days, sometimes literally months. And as you said it's comfortable, it's kinda fun, it leads nowhere. Either you kinda get the friendly vibe, but most often the real life conversation is completely different than what you've build it up in your head online, and here you invested all this time on a person that you don't even remotely know.
I do like doing those things but through lots of experience I have learned that these and loads of effort should be reserved for your committed girlfriend that responds in kind - you should go out of your way to please someone who's deserved it and who goes out of their way to please you as well, not complete strangers - with those you should focus on getting to know them, showing them your personality and traits (good and bad) and critically assessing if you are a good fit if a great long term relationship is what you ultimately want. And trying to please them before you know them will be a colossal distraction from that that will probably lead you to suddenly finding yourself in a relationship with someone who has no place being in your life because you focused on pleasing them instead of getting to know their raw honest self, showing them yours and assessing if they are compatible.
As for
Girl 1) I don't have any issues going out with her, having fun, non commited sex etc. but for me personally she has disqualified herself automatically from ever being a candidate for a committed relationship.
Girl 2) She's not for you. There is nothing wrong with her, dating girls like that can be awesome but you need either a very specific type of personality or loads of discipline, which you don't seem to have right now. If you have pleaser tendencies run as fast as you can.
Basically you need to be very strong, state exactly what you want firmly at all times, hold her to her word and when she flakes you need to have the discipline to completely pull away - she's like the wind or water, always moving and changing directions, and you need to be the unmovable strong rock she can rely on that gives her direction and sense of stability. And basically do uncomfortable things that you know will make her probably feel bad in the moment and can potentially drive her away but that will lead to a healthy relationship for the both of you in the long run and are absolutely necessary to be able to date a girl like that.
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On June 03 2016 20:11 bloodwhore~ wrote:Show nested quote +On June 03 2016 19:42 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:Yeah, a "Netflix and chill" date at home is very cool Lol. It doesn't necessarily have to be fucking going on, it is still cozy to just sit and relax while you slowly thrust your massive throbbing cock inside her pussy while she screams in ecstasy. Oh wait.
lol  Although in all fairness to those who prefer to take things a little slower (myself included), one shouldn't feel rushed to have sex asap. Some guys and girls are ready to go as soon as the first hit of mutual attraction sets in, while others aren't.
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On June 03 2016 20:17 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:lol Although in all fairness to those who prefer to take things a little slower (myself included), one shouldn't feel rushed to have sex asap. Some guys and girls are ready to go as soon as the first hit of mutual attraction sets in, while others aren't.
I was serious though. One doesn't have to have sex just because you are watching a movie together at home. However if you do suggest watching netflix I have to agree that she will most likely think you want to fuck her.
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On June 03 2016 20:16 LemOn wrote:
Yeah Volband, see the thing is I have experience, I have done what you are doing - long conversations online, back and forth for days, sometimes literally months. And as you said it's comfortable, it's kinda fun, it leads nowhere. Either you kinda get the friendly vibe, but most often the real life conversation is completely different than what you've build it up in your head online, and here you invested all this time on a person that you don't even remotely know.
I do like doing those things but through lots of experience I have learned that these and loads of effort should be reserved for your committed girlfriend that responds in kind - you should go out of your way to please someone who's deserved it and who goes out of their way to please you as well, not complete strangers - with those you should focus on getting to know them, showing them your personality and traits (good and bad) and critically assessing if you are a good fit if a great long term relationship is what you ultimately want. And trying to please them before you know them will be a colossal distraction from that that will probably lead you to suddenly finding yourself in a relationship with someone who has no place being in your life because you focused on pleasing them instead of getting to know their raw honest self, showing them yours and assessing if they are compatible.
As for
Girl 1) I don't have any issues going out with her, having fun, non commited sex etc. but for me personally she has disqualified herself automatically from ever being a candidate for a committed relationship.
Girl 2) She's not for you. There is nothing wrong with her, dating girls like that can be awesome but you need either a very specific type of personality or loads of discipline, which you don't seem to have right now. If you have pleaser tendencies run as fast as you can.
Basically you need to be very strong, state exactly what you want firmly at all times, hold her to her word and when she flakes you need to have the discipline to completely pull away - she's like the wind or water, always moving and changing directions, and you need to be the unmovable strong rock she can rely on that gives her direction and sense of stability. And basically do uncomfortable things that you know will make her probably feel bad in the moment and can potentially drive her away but that will lead to a healthy relationship for the both of you in the long run and are absolutely necessary to be able to date a girl like that.
Good to know I did the exact opposite, smh fam. Since she seemed so honest, like even when she shrugged the meeting off, she kept saying she WILL find another date to meet, which was pretty new to me. The girls I've been chasing my whole life were always made me feel like I'm climbing a mountain. Anyway, now I know I should've just said it's okay and casually leave the ball on her court. Instead, I tried to negotiate, like even just a short walk would be enough to get to know each other, etc. I'm pretty sure I pissed her off, though she still said she'll message me eventually. I honestly doubt that, but that girl is a complete mystery to me, but the only one so far whom I got genuinely interested so far.
However, there are two other candidates.
3.) The one I was talking about yesterday. She (or her ex, did not ask) ended her relationship in April, and she still seems like someone who is morning, so I would not be surprised if this sudden urge to meet other people is just a getaway drug for her. In any case, I asked her if she'd fancy a little meeting sometime, since she lives so close to me. But I'm pretty sure that even if she agrees to it, I'd have to be like a carbon-copy of her ex to succeed.
4.) Now, this one is actually more promising, the only problem is that, well, a bit ashamed to type this out, but she's 17 years older than me, which makes her 41. Now, I'm not judging any couples, but I'm definitely not going into this one in hopes to get a very serious relationship out of this, and the way I interpreted it is that she's aware of it. Now, I had a tons of assumptions before we started to talk, you know, MILFs, cougars, just like on the big screen, but she turned out to be a rather lighthearted person, not someone who feeds on the young to keep herself alive or some demonic stuff. We are actually quite alike personality wise, and on one hand it was pretty relieving when we discussed that both of us are the quiet ones in a relationship - well, technically I could not say that about myself, since I was not in a relationship, but I know myself. On the other hand, I have always thought about how two "settlers" like us could be in a relationship with one another. I just imagine two people who just quietly explode within themselves, instead of standing up for themselves.
Anyway, my only pet peeve so far is that her "online-game" is rather week, which is expected, but boy, does Tuesday seems like an eternity away. Now, I'm not sure with what expectations am I even going to meet her, or how am I even going to just relax, because even though she's goofy like me, I'm still talking with a (by age) mature woman. As to what I might expect... my thinking is that if I have the choice to decide to whom I'd like to lose my zodiac sign to, it would be either someone I love (like Love love), or with someone I can be comfortable with, and I think she fits the latter type. It's not something I'd advertise for the whole city, but I think, and I might be wrong, you'll tell me, it might be the most helpful for me regarding my future adventures with the opposite sex.
Then again, I might traumatize myself for life. Right now I'm really just going with the ebb and flow.
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Yes! Seriously she sounds perfect Don't even try to play games, or hide who you are, she will see through that. Older women are realists, and it's a great opportunity to just start being your raw self and not a pleaser.
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"older women are realists"
nope, "older women" as a class are too diverse to label this way. Besides, "realist" is basically a useless term anyways.
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Yeah, when we started chatting she told me twice to not generalize - I was talking about some of my assumptions about her. She just seems... chill, like I'm honestly surprised that I can't name anything crazy in her. She did not make a fuss, not eve when we did not see eye to eye in some things, she was always apologetic when she just did not have time for the early meetings I pushed, I did not have to start all the freakin' conversations with her, etc.
I'm pretty sure she has self-esteem issues as well. She asked directly or indirectly many times if I talk with a lot of women, when the opportunity presented itself. So, wasn't pushy, but when it was appropriate, she tried to feel it out.
Yeah, will see. Gonna overdose myself on energy drink and see how well I can present myself when it really matters.
Question: what's the appropriate greeting when you meet with a stranger after hooking up online? Do you go for kissing the cheek or shaking hands? Swear to God, this will be the hardest part of the day/night, alongside with me trying to make inquiries at the end if she'd be up for another date or not - unless I felt it went absolutely terrible, like we were watching each other silently for 1 hour, but come on now.
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You go for a hug that isn't a lame nerd hug.
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yeah, an assertive, full contact hug is my preferred introductory greeting when meeting an woman for the first time after an online conversation. It's a pretty safe way to gauge her comfort while also making it clear that you don't have hoverhand problems.
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On June 01 2016 03:20 Jockmcplop wrote:
I met a girl at a gig last night, a friend of a friend, and I really like her. I'm a mess with this stuff and I have no idea if she likes me too but it seemed as though she was flirting (big hug when she left, she bought me shot etc.).
I made friends with her on facebook and I think I might ask her out but i'm ridiculously shy and pessimistic (I've never really done dating and at my age i'm a bit old to be learning haha). I'm gonna have step way outside my comfort zone here.
I think the problem because she's a friend of a friend is i'm going to see her around anyway so I'm a bit apprehensive about being rejected.
Fuckin YOLO, right?
Rejected haha.
Rejected fairly nicely though so my self esteem lives to see another day.
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Well, she actually lived in that era, so...
But jokes aside, are you guys sure this hug thing is not just an American thing? I mean, to me, it's a rather affectionate gesture, much more serious than a peck or two.
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EPT
