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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
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Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On January 15 2013 14:55 Alryk wrote:
So in my opinion from the last couple posts, it seems like some of the people are mixing love with infatuation/attraction/whatever term that isn't love you can insert here. I didn't read Essbee's post, but other people's replies seem to indicate the same thing. I don't think you can imagine being with this girl for the rest of your life before you've actually dated for a good amount of time and gotten to truly know her. There's a reason that a lot of those "whirlwind courtships" or whatever you call it where people get married after a month fail a lot more than stable, multi year relationships. You might think you're in love, but from my personal experience, I think I'm much more in love with my girlfriend now (and starting to think about the future) than I was when I first told her. You can think you're in love when it really is just infatuation.
Hmmm I see but I am now confused with this:
- Some people will say that you need to hang out with her more rather than confess early.
- Others will say that you need to confess quite soon or else you will be considered a friend because you took too much time.
:/
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On January 15 2013 15:14 Essbee wrote:Show nested quote +On January 15 2013 14:55 Alryk wrote:
So in my opinion from the last couple posts, it seems like some of the people are mixing love with infatuation/attraction/whatever term that isn't love you can insert here. I didn't read Essbee's post, but other people's replies seem to indicate the same thing. I don't think you can imagine being with this girl for the rest of your life before you've actually dated for a good amount of time and gotten to truly know her. There's a reason that a lot of those "whirlwind courtships" or whatever you call it where people get married after a month fail a lot more than stable, multi year relationships. You might think you're in love, but from my personal experience, I think I'm much more in love with my girlfriend now (and starting to think about the future) than I was when I first told her. You can think you're in love when it really is just infatuation. Hmmm I see but I am now confused with this: - Some people will say that you need to hang out with her more rather than confess early. - Others will say that you need to confess quite soon or else you will be considered a friend because you took too much time. :/
Each situation is different. You just need to confess your feelings at the right moment when you are sure it's going to be returned in favor. Hang out for awhile until your basically a couple alrdy, then take things next level and just confirm it.
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On January 15 2013 15:07 Zooper31 wrote:Show nested quote +On January 15 2013 15:00 Meatex wrote:
I'm in the process of getting friend zoned by my gf of nearly 4 years who I love so much and wanted to get married and have children with
I likely have to break up with her simply because I know its just a matter of time before she meets a guy she is attracted to and cheats on me
So thats my last dating story She's not friend zoning you, things have changed in those 4yrs and for w/e reason she's falling out of love and realizing she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with you. Shit happens dude, I'm sorry felt that pain before too.
Nah thats not what she is saying
She is saying things like she loves me in her way and i am here soul mate and she wants to be with me
Just isn't attracted to me anymore
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On January 15 2013 15:52 Meatex wrote:Show nested quote +On January 15 2013 15:07 Zooper31 wrote:On January 15 2013 15:00 Meatex wrote:
I'm in the process of getting friend zoned by my gf of nearly 4 years who I love so much and wanted to get married and have children with
I likely have to break up with her simply because I know its just a matter of time before she meets a guy she is attracted to and cheats on me
So thats my last dating story She's not friend zoning you, things have changed in those 4yrs and for w/e reason she's falling out of love and realizing she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with you. Shit happens dude, I'm sorry felt that pain before too. Nah thats not what she is saying She is saying things like she loves me in her way and i am here soul mate and she wants to be with me Just isn't attracted to me anymore
You see those things don't match. You can't have a relationship if you have no attraction for the other person. Either she's going to break up with you or she's going through menopause.
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On January 15 2013 15:56 Zooper31 wrote:Show nested quote +On January 15 2013 15:52 Meatex wrote:On January 15 2013 15:07 Zooper31 wrote:On January 15 2013 15:00 Meatex wrote:
I'm in the process of getting friend zoned by my gf of nearly 4 years who I love so much and wanted to get married and have children with
I likely have to break up with her simply because I know its just a matter of time before she meets a guy she is attracted to and cheats on me
So thats my last dating story She's not friend zoning you, things have changed in those 4yrs and for w/e reason she's falling out of love and realizing she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with you. Shit happens dude, I'm sorry felt that pain before too. Nah thats not what she is saying She is saying things like she loves me in her way and i am here soul mate and she wants to be with me Just isn't attracted to me anymore You see those things don't match. You can't have a relationship if you have no attraction for the other person. Either she's going to break up with you or she's going through menopause.
Old people would disagree with you.
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On January 15 2013 16:04 killa_robot wrote:Show nested quote +On January 15 2013 15:56 Zooper31 wrote:On January 15 2013 15:52 Meatex wrote:On January 15 2013 15:07 Zooper31 wrote:On January 15 2013 15:00 Meatex wrote:
I'm in the process of getting friend zoned by my gf of nearly 4 years who I love so much and wanted to get married and have children with
I likely have to break up with her simply because I know its just a matter of time before she meets a guy she is attracted to and cheats on me
So thats my last dating story She's not friend zoning you, things have changed in those 4yrs and for w/e reason she's falling out of love and realizing she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with you. Shit happens dude, I'm sorry felt that pain before too. Nah thats not what she is saying She is saying things like she loves me in her way and i am here soul mate and she wants to be with me Just isn't attracted to me anymore You see those things don't match. You can't have a relationship if you have no attraction for the other person. Either she's going to break up with you or she's going through menopause. Old people would disagree with you.
Hence the menopause comment. Also they arn't an old couple that has been intimate for decades alrdy.
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On January 15 2013 15:14 Essbee wrote:Show nested quote +On January 15 2013 14:55 Alryk wrote:
So in my opinion from the last couple posts, it seems like some of the people are mixing love with infatuation/attraction/whatever term that isn't love you can insert here. I didn't read Essbee's post, but other people's replies seem to indicate the same thing. I don't think you can imagine being with this girl for the rest of your life before you've actually dated for a good amount of time and gotten to truly know her. There's a reason that a lot of those "whirlwind courtships" or whatever you call it where people get married after a month fail a lot more than stable, multi year relationships. You might think you're in love, but from my personal experience, I think I'm much more in love with my girlfriend now (and starting to think about the future) than I was when I first told her. You can think you're in love when it really is just infatuation. Hmmm I see but I am now confused with this: - Some people will say that you need to hang out with her more rather than confess early.- Others will say that you need to confess quite soon or else you will be considered a friend because you took too much time. :/
Everyone is entitled to its opinion and will tell it to you as fact (I'm no better).
As to knowing what works and what don't, you got to follow what makes the most sense to you or try better sources than TL.
Or even better, cross-reference what appears like reliable sources and see what they say in common (books, web sites, TL) and discard the rest.
As to what is the best or default choice, according to me  , between the two in your quote. Pick the bold one. Because, for me, confessing makes the relation awkward and put pressure on the girl. Also, how can you be "in love" without being first in a relationship where you really discover the other person ?
Being attracted is good and feel good, its a normal process, but its only step one. Its what will make you want to know more about someone. And confessing THAT is kinda okay "I'm attracted, I want to know you" (should be told or shown more smoothly). Then you start a relationship, then if its everything you wished for and its the same for her, maybe its time to say the L word (or wait for her to do it ).
Finally, avoiding the friendzone is not about confessing your love, its about flirting. You have to flirt to bring the relationship on a romantic level, give cues that you like her and slowly escalates the relationship. People that get friendzoned usually get there because they are just being friendly, like a gay friend. No sexual tension, only friendly talk.
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I've asked three women out in the past year. And all of the women already had found boyfriends. I really dislike this.
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Does anyone have any idea when a girl says that she feels "off" about a relationship?
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I find the best dating advice is the old cliche that day9 tells also... be yourself. Had failed relationships where I was myself, no hard feelings we just weren't meant for each other. When you find someone who likes you for you, its a great feeling.
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On January 15 2013 15:14 Essbee wrote:Show nested quote +On January 15 2013 14:55 Alryk wrote:
So in my opinion from the last couple posts, it seems like some of the people are mixing love with infatuation/attraction/whatever term that isn't love you can insert here. I didn't read Essbee's post, but other people's replies seem to indicate the same thing. I don't think you can imagine being with this girl for the rest of your life before you've actually dated for a good amount of time and gotten to truly know her. There's a reason that a lot of those "whirlwind courtships" or whatever you call it where people get married after a month fail a lot more than stable, multi year relationships. You might think you're in love, but from my personal experience, I think I'm much more in love with my girlfriend now (and starting to think about the future) than I was when I first told her. You can think you're in love when it really is just infatuation. Hmmm I see but I am now confused with this: - Some people will say that you need to hang out with her more rather than confess early. - Others will say that you need to confess quite soon or else you will be considered a friend because you took too much time. :/
If someone tells you "You have to confess your love or you will be considered a friend", he's talking crap. As long as there is a sexual/intimate connection you won't be considered "just a friend" because, well, the "friends" in that sentence usually don't have sex with each other. That's why sex or rather sexual escalation is so crucial.
...which kind of brings us to the next quote:
On January 15 2013 15:00 Meatex wrote:
I'm in the process of getting friend zoned by my gf of nearly 4 years who I love so much and wanted to get married and have children with
I likely have to break up with her simply because I know its just a matter of time before she meets a guy she is attracted to and cheats on me
So thats my last dating story
Sex. Sex. Sex. I don't know what else to tell you. How are (quality) and how often are things in the bedroom? If you believe you're slowly going down that road (props for noticing early!) you need to spice things up. Whether it's getting her worked up via "I can't wait till you get home until I can do... things to you"-text messages, learning how to massage her properly or plain old "I find you incredibly sexy and want you right now right here"-moments. Do something. She might react a little bit confused at first and will most likely take a few tries to stop being confused about this but you should know best how to get things going in that direction again.
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This thread is rather sad. Keep the faith people !
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On January 15 2013 14:11 r.Evo wrote:Show nested quote +On January 15 2013 13:52 Essbee wrote:My recent story, any feedback appreciated: + Show Spoiler +I was in Korea about a week ago and I was hanging out with people I met at a guesthouse there. I met a lot of different people and we went out to eat and drink a lot, was really fun. One night tho there was this shy Japanese girl who was asked to join us, I think she was shy mostly because she couldn't speak proper english and never asked to join us. While we were eating (we were about 15 of us there), I was the one setting the mood. I am not very shy so I make people laugh, ask them questions, engage conversations and I also always try to involve everyone one in the conversations so they don't feel excluded. So yeah, I was trying to get the Japanese girl into speaking with us and all but she had a very hard time speaking and understanding english so, fortunately, we had some people who could speak both Japanese and English so they spent all the time translating my conversation with the Japanese girl. She seemed so thankful to me that I was willing to talk with her that when we went to a bar after eating, she sat just in front of me and was willing to continue talking. At that point I felt like I did a good thing of involving her in the "gang". So we continued talking with the people translating for us and then she told me she thought I was handsome, cute, very charming and appreciated the time speaking with me, I think she also appreciated the fact that I was also speaking with the rest of the group and making some people laugh and just setting a nice mood in general. But when she told me this, I was stunned, I didn't think she would have said that to me, I never felt that kind of thankfulness with girls from Quebec (where I come from) so I was pleasantly surprised. So then the "translator" said she thought it was so cute that she seemed to like me even tho we couldn't speak the same language properly. I started to feel very attracted to the Japanese girl.
The following days, we spent more time with the group going in bars, walking, eating, talking, etc. I was also hugging her more and more lol and she never refused it, I was surprised. One time in a bar I just continued talking with her, then she invited me to play darts with 2 other people, it was really fun. But what really made me fell in love with her was when she noticed I was getting really drunk and she stole my beer and asked the barman to bring me a glass of water and she brought it to me. The same night she also was considerate enough to have bought a cake for the birthday of someone in the group, she was the only one who remembered, I was impressed. I don't know, I just felt she was very considerate and very nice to people. I had an awesome time with her, I just loved to be with her, I totally fell in love, like seriously.
So then I told myself I should probably confess to her since she is going back to Japan very soon and I'm also going back to Quebec. The thing is that I REALLY thought she liked me because of everything she told me and she had done with me but the worst had to happen: When I told her I loved her, she told me that she only liked me as a friend now and nothing more... oh the pain...
I know some of you might say this would have been a long-distance relationship and it might be the reason... or that I rushed my confession too fast (we knew each other for like 4 or 5 days), but I really had no choice I think. The only time I am able to see her again is 8 months from then, so I really don't know if I made the right decision or if it's clearly over, I feel like it's not but I don't know how strong the friendzone is, so...
To be honest, I never really dated anyone (I'm 20 now) because I didn't feel like I liked anyone here in Quebec but this Japanese girl is just everything I want (that's how I feel tho) so now I really don't know how to feel about all this...
P.S: I'm a terrible writer, sorry.
First things first, you probably don't need a lot of actual dating advice. What I take from your post is that you're socially clever, talkative and seem to display lots of characteristics that are considered "basics" anyway. For you it's probably mostly about getting a better understanding of some dynamics. Two big points: Show nested quote +I had an awesome time with her, I just loved to be with her, I totally fell in love, like seriously.
So then I told myself I should probably confess to her... That's (usually) not how relationships or affairs start. Think of it this way, by "confessing" your "love" to her in such a way you maneuver her into an incredibly awkward position. First all of a sudden she is the one who is responsible for anything that might happen between you two. Second it is highly likely that something along the lines of "This guy doesn't even know me, why the fuck is he talking about love?" pops up in her mind. That combination among some other minor things almost always force her to not react positively to such a confession, even if she actually could imagine something more going on. Show nested quote +When I told her I loved her, she told me that she only liked me as a friend now and nothing more ...while understandable from the whole "I never really dated anyone"-part the easiest way of getting "friendzoned" (quotation marks because "being friendzoned" isn't something bad for dating said girl by definition, it's just hard to properly work from there without some experience) is by trying to define your relationship with her with words instead of actions. What's the difference between friends and lovers? Lovers pretty much do the same stuff friends do but they also interact more intimate and more sexual. That's where action comes in. Don't try to define some kind of relationship early on (the good old "So... what's exactly going on between us?"), just have a fun time with each other and escalate sexually. Hugging is a good start, stroking her hair, poking her in the sides, just anything physical is a good continuation. Ideally something like a kiss isn't a big stepping stone but just the obvious result of being all over each other anyway. Don't worry, after you had your first few nights that you enjoyed together she will initiate the talk about "What exactly do we have here?", just let her discover that she wants more of you on her own. No need to pressure.
Incidentally I just stumbled across a blog describing japanese dating culture two days ago.
While what you are saying is true for western dating culture it seems to work quite differently in Japan.
Usually people will meet in a group setting maybe 5 times and then may start to meet privately also around 5 times.
After that it is usually the man's job to confess his love to the girl. Apparently this even has a name and is called "kokuhaku".
It also said there is no equivalent in Japanese to the English "I like you", there is just "I love you".
If the girl accepts they can be considered boyfriend and girlfriend and only then does physical intimacy happen.
Before that the most they will go for is maybe holding hands.
I know through our western eyes this may seem like how teens in highschool date but apparently that's how it is.
I think she told him she just wants to be friends because she was being realistic. You live on different continents and can't even communicate properly with each other. You can't even go on a date without a translator by your side
Found the blog for anyone that is interested:
http://backtojapan.wordpress.com/2011/08/07/japanese-dating-culture/
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On January 15 2013 20:01 REDBLUEGREEN wrote:Show nested quote +On January 15 2013 14:11 r.Evo wrote:On January 15 2013 13:52 Essbee wrote:My recent story, any feedback appreciated: + Show Spoiler +I was in Korea about a week ago and I was hanging out with people I met at a guesthouse there. I met a lot of different people and we went out to eat and drink a lot, was really fun. One night tho there was this shy Japanese girl who was asked to join us, I think she was shy mostly because she couldn't speak proper english and never asked to join us. While we were eating (we were about 15 of us there), I was the one setting the mood. I am not very shy so I make people laugh, ask them questions, engage conversations and I also always try to involve everyone one in the conversations so they don't feel excluded. So yeah, I was trying to get the Japanese girl into speaking with us and all but she had a very hard time speaking and understanding english so, fortunately, we had some people who could speak both Japanese and English so they spent all the time translating my conversation with the Japanese girl. She seemed so thankful to me that I was willing to talk with her that when we went to a bar after eating, she sat just in front of me and was willing to continue talking. At that point I felt like I did a good thing of involving her in the "gang". So we continued talking with the people translating for us and then she told me she thought I was handsome, cute, very charming and appreciated the time speaking with me, I think she also appreciated the fact that I was also speaking with the rest of the group and making some people laugh and just setting a nice mood in general. But when she told me this, I was stunned, I didn't think she would have said that to me, I never felt that kind of thankfulness with girls from Quebec (where I come from) so I was pleasantly surprised. So then the "translator" said she thought it was so cute that she seemed to like me even tho we couldn't speak the same language properly. I started to feel very attracted to the Japanese girl.
The following days, we spent more time with the group going in bars, walking, eating, talking, etc. I was also hugging her more and more lol and she never refused it, I was surprised. One time in a bar I just continued talking with her, then she invited me to play darts with 2 other people, it was really fun. But what really made me fell in love with her was when she noticed I was getting really drunk and she stole my beer and asked the barman to bring me a glass of water and she brought it to me. The same night she also was considerate enough to have bought a cake for the birthday of someone in the group, she was the only one who remembered, I was impressed. I don't know, I just felt she was very considerate and very nice to people. I had an awesome time with her, I just loved to be with her, I totally fell in love, like seriously.
So then I told myself I should probably confess to her since she is going back to Japan very soon and I'm also going back to Quebec. The thing is that I REALLY thought she liked me because of everything she told me and she had done with me but the worst had to happen: When I told her I loved her, she told me that she only liked me as a friend now and nothing more... oh the pain...
I know some of you might say this would have been a long-distance relationship and it might be the reason... or that I rushed my confession too fast (we knew each other for like 4 or 5 days), but I really had no choice I think. The only time I am able to see her again is 8 months from then, so I really don't know if I made the right decision or if it's clearly over, I feel like it's not but I don't know how strong the friendzone is, so...
To be honest, I never really dated anyone (I'm 20 now) because I didn't feel like I liked anyone here in Quebec but this Japanese girl is just everything I want (that's how I feel tho) so now I really don't know how to feel about all this...
P.S: I'm a terrible writer, sorry.
First things first, you probably don't need a lot of actual dating advice. What I take from your post is that you're socially clever, talkative and seem to display lots of characteristics that are considered "basics" anyway. For you it's probably mostly about getting a better understanding of some dynamics. Two big points: I had an awesome time with her, I just loved to be with her, I totally fell in love, like seriously.
So then I told myself I should probably confess to her... That's (usually) not how relationships or affairs start. Think of it this way, by "confessing" your "love" to her in such a way you maneuver her into an incredibly awkward position. First all of a sudden she is the one who is responsible for anything that might happen between you two. Second it is highly likely that something along the lines of "This guy doesn't even know me, why the fuck is he talking about love?" pops up in her mind. That combination among some other minor things almost always force her to not react positively to such a confession, even if she actually could imagine something more going on. When I told her I loved her, she told me that she only liked me as a friend now and nothing more ...while understandable from the whole "I never really dated anyone"-part the easiest way of getting "friendzoned" (quotation marks because "being friendzoned" isn't something bad for dating said girl by definition, it's just hard to properly work from there without some experience) is by trying to define your relationship with her with words instead of actions. What's the difference between friends and lovers? Lovers pretty much do the same stuff friends do but they also interact more intimate and more sexual. That's where action comes in. Don't try to define some kind of relationship early on (the good old "So... what's exactly going on between us?"), just have a fun time with each other and escalate sexually. Hugging is a good start, stroking her hair, poking her in the sides, just anything physical is a good continuation. Ideally something like a kiss isn't a big stepping stone but just the obvious result of being all over each other anyway. Don't worry, after you had your first few nights that you enjoyed together she will initiate the talk about "What exactly do we have here?", just let her discover that she wants more of you on her own. No need to pressure. Incidentally I just stumbled across a blog describing japanese dating culture two days ago. While what you are saying is true for western dating culture it seems to work quite differently in Japan. Usually people will meet in a group setting maybe 5 times and then may start to meet privately also around 5 times. After that it is usually the man's job to confess his love to the girl. Apparently this even has a name and is called "kokuhaku". It also said there is no equivalent in Japanese to the English "I like you", there is just "I love you". If the girl accepts they can be considered boyfriend and girlfriend and only then does physical intimacy happen. Before that the most they will go for is maybe holding hands. I know through our western eyes this may seem like how teens in highschool date but apparently that's how it is. I think she told him she just wants to be friends because she was being realistic. You live on different continents and can't even communicate properly with each other. You can't even go on a date without a translator by your side Found the blog for anyone that is interested: http://backtojapan.wordpress.com/2011/08/07/japanese-dating-culture/
Hmmm.... that article is interesting. I obviously have no clue how exactly it works out but on a plain theory craft level (and judging from the Japenese girls I dated) I would expect someone who escalates properly to still do better than someone who doesn't do anything physical and then goes for the "kokuhaku".
In comparison if you want to seduce a woman in a really formal setting (think cocktail party with her parents not too far away) smart physical contact is still vital, you just have to be much much more subtle about it than e.g. in a club setting and compensate it sufficiently on a verbal level.
Would be interesting to hear more about this in case we have any Japanese "players" around. =P
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Hmmm all your replies are very interesting. Thank you very much. Actually, I told her I was in the process of learning Korean so that when I would meet her again, I would be able to have a conversation (she speaks very good korean even tho she's japanese). She was able to speak basic english so I was able to communicate if I made big efforts to make her understand what I mean haha.
So yeah, maybe I should have waited until I meet her again and show her that I can communicate before confessing.
But right now do any of you think it's possible to get out of that kind of friendzone? I don't know how it is in Japan for that lol. She also told me that she wanted to date when she'll be older, so that's another confusion that I don't get. Maybe that's an asian thing. 
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On January 15 2013 15:52 Meatex wrote:Show nested quote +On January 15 2013 15:07 Zooper31 wrote:On January 15 2013 15:00 Meatex wrote:
I'm in the process of getting friend zoned by my gf of nearly 4 years who I love so much and wanted to get married and have children with
I likely have to break up with her simply because I know its just a matter of time before she meets a guy she is attracted to and cheats on me
So thats my last dating story She's not friend zoning you, things have changed in those 4yrs and for w/e reason she's falling out of love and realizing she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life with you. Shit happens dude, I'm sorry felt that pain before too. Nah thats not what she is saying She is saying things like she loves me in her way and i am here soul mate and she wants to be with me Just isn't attracted to me anymore
You misinterpret what it means to be friend zoned - but what is happening to you is different. Seems to me that the "spark" has gone out of your relationship. Attraction from females is caused by excitement, and when they view their man of having higher value then them. Obviously she respects you or she wouldn't have been with you for this long. You need to bring more excitement into your relationship if you wish to salvage it. Take charge. Take control sexually. Do something sporadic and fun. How is sex?
Unfortunately, it may be too late for that to work. Always worth trying though. If I had to guess she's probably been feeling this for some time, and has been waiting for a change and has all but given up at this point if she's telling you. You're absolutely right in that this will likely culminate in her either cheating or dumping you. If you let it go on as is, you WILL have her eventually resent you. So either change things, or let go.
I've been there before too - I feel your pain my friends. A 6 year relationship on mine ended on a similar note; though it was a lot more complicated, the underlying principle remains the same.
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On January 15 2013 16:58 MiyaviTeddy wrote:
Does anyone have any idea when a girl says that she feels "off" about a relationship?
This means she isn't into you.
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Russian Federation748 Posts
It also said there is no equivalent in Japanese to the English "I like you", there is just "I love you".
Yes they do, it's "suki desu" and "aishite iru" respectively. The latter may not be used often but it does exist all the same.
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On January 15 2013 15:14 Essbee wrote:Show nested quote +On January 15 2013 14:55 Alryk wrote:
So in my opinion from the last couple posts, it seems like some of the people are mixing love with infatuation/attraction/whatever term that isn't love you can insert here. I didn't read Essbee's post, but other people's replies seem to indicate the same thing. I don't think you can imagine being with this girl for the rest of your life before you've actually dated for a good amount of time and gotten to truly know her. There's a reason that a lot of those "whirlwind courtships" or whatever you call it where people get married after a month fail a lot more than stable, multi year relationships. You might think you're in love, but from my personal experience, I think I'm much more in love with my girlfriend now (and starting to think about the future) than I was when I first told her. You can think you're in love when it really is just infatuation. Hmmm I see but I am now confused with this: - Some people will say that you need to hang out with her more rather than confess early. - Others will say that you need to confess quite soon or else you will be considered a friend because you took too much time. :/
Well there's a difference between telling her you're into her, and want to pursue a relationship, and saying "I love you" after barely knowing her, and never dating her. At least, IMO.
Edit: Just read your story. My thoughts:
1) It sucks that she was leaving 
2) It definitely sounds like infatuation, not love, just to be honest. Knowing somebody for 4 days in my opinion isn't long enough to really "love" them. You need to actually get to know them. How much did you know about her life, her family, her dreams? There's certainly a difference between being infatuated with the outer personality and falling in love with her "inner self" so to speak.
3) You don't have to go full out with an "I love you" or something. Can you really be sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with her after knowing her for 4 days? (not saying that every time you say I love you that's what you mean). You can just tell her you like her, or ask her out on a date again or something. Obviously that's harder with your specific circumstances, but still.
As an aside, long distance relationships suck. I've been in one for the better part of the last year, and we're great, but they still suck. I definitely would not recommend it for your first relationship. It will just leave you unhappy. The only reason that ours has worked so well is because I know her so well, and we aren't really a "physically-oriented" relationship.
TL;DR exactly what I said the first time. Infatuation is not love, and you can tell a girl you're into her without saying "I love you." That tends to scare people off (same for girls --> boys if you're a girl reading this)
Also: Some asian parents are STRICT on dating. I dated a girl in high school completely in secret because she was scared of what her parents might say/do. Like, only our closest friends knew. It was very romeo/julietesque. Except we broke up, and nobody died.
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On January 16 2013 07:59 Alryk wrote:Show nested quote +On January 15 2013 15:14 Essbee wrote:On January 15 2013 14:55 Alryk wrote:
So in my opinion from the last couple posts, it seems like some of the people are mixing love with infatuation/attraction/whatever term that isn't love you can insert here. I didn't read Essbee's post, but other people's replies seem to indicate the same thing. I don't think you can imagine being with this girl for the rest of your life before you've actually dated for a good amount of time and gotten to truly know her. There's a reason that a lot of those "whirlwind courtships" or whatever you call it where people get married after a month fail a lot more than stable, multi year relationships. You might think you're in love, but from my personal experience, I think I'm much more in love with my girlfriend now (and starting to think about the future) than I was when I first told her. You can think you're in love when it really is just infatuation. Hmmm I see but I am now confused with this: - Some people will say that you need to hang out with her more rather than confess early. - Others will say that you need to confess quite soon or else you will be considered a friend because you took too much time. :/ Well there's a difference between telling her you're into her, and want to pursue a relationship, and saying "I love you" after barely knowing her, and never dating her. At least, IMO. Edit: Just read your story. My thoughts: 1) It sucks that she was leaving 2) It definitely sounds like infatuation, not love, just to be honest. Knowing somebody for 4 days in my opinion isn't long enough to really "love" them. You need to actually get to know them. How much did you know about her life, her family, her dreams? There's certainly a difference between being infatuated with the outer personality and falling in love with her "inner self" so to speak. 3) You don't have to go full out with an "I love you" or something. Can you really be sure that you want to spend the rest of your life with her after knowing her for 4 days? (not saying that every time you say I love you that's what you mean). You can just tell her you like her, or ask her out on a date again or something. Obviously that's harder with your specific circumstances, but still. As an aside, long distance relationships suck. I've been in one for the better part of the last year, and we're great, but they still suck. I definitely would not recommend it for your first relationship. It will just leave you unhappy. The only reason that ours has worked so well is because I know her so well, and we aren't really a "physically-oriented" relationship. TL;DR exactly what I said the first time. Infatuation is not love, and you can tell a girl you're into her without saying "I love you." That tends to scare people off (same for girls --> boys if you're a girl reading this) Also: Some asian parents are STRICT on dating. I dated a girl in high school completely in secret because she was scared of what her parents might say/do. Like, only our closest friends knew. It was very romeo/julietesque. Except we broke up, and nobody died.
I see, this is very interesting.
Do you think I would be able to apologize and ask to meet her one day and maybe go from there? I personally think it's still possible but I also don't want to have false hopes.
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EPT
