EPTI could do a more in depth writeup of my experience later I guess (if there was any interest in that at all
), but I've got a backlog of writings already.Dating: How's your luck? - Page 791
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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on. Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments. Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. | ||
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ticklishmusic
United States15977 Posts
I could do a more in depth writeup of my experience later I guess (if there was any interest in that at all ), but I've got a backlog of writings already. | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
Online dating is a game of numbers - you ask them out withing 3-4 messages and go on loads of dates, because the chemistry simply won't be there most of the time and online profiles are pretty much useless for that. So you can't be discouraged after 2 days off of it, I'd say if you go on 100 dates off of online dating, finding 5-10 girls with strong mutual chemistry is really good, and 1-2 that tick all your boxes for someone to get serious with if you're lucky if you're like me and don't want to compromise in major things. So you haven't even tried really and are throwing in the towel - if you choose online dating you have to be prepared to play the numbers game and your sample size is more or less worthless. | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
And to IRL - why would you go on dates when there's not the mutual chemistry you're looking for in the first place? You should pick up on that in the 5-10 minutes when you're talking to them first no if you choose the honest approach. | ||
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Bigtony
United States1606 Posts
I'm very flattered but long term I don't see myself with another dude.  | ||
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westgun
Germany14 Posts
So I've tried my luck at dating again over the past year, but it could have barely gone any worse. Out of something like 10-20 girls I asked, only 2 agreed to go on a date with me, the last one being over a half year ago... I would've thought that I had some redeeming qualities that stand out, but that apparently isn't the case. It wouldn't be as bad if I could blame it on something or at least know what's keeping me from having any luck, but quite frankly, I don't. It seems that the only one to blame is me. Online dating hasn't been any better. I currently have a reply rate of 0%, so yeah... I don't send out mass messages, but rather try to adapt to the situation, much like in person. I know that I don't have exactly the best pictures or whatever, but is that all? Is online dating nothing more than superficial BS or wtf? Uni isn't a good place to look for either, with 10-20% females in my field. It doesn't really help that almost if not all guys I know don't have any luck either, and that most girls I know are already taken/have absolutely no problems with dating. I fear that once I'm done with uni that I won't have as easy contact to new people as now, that everyone worthwhile is taken, that I have as little time or even less than now for someone else, and that I won't really be able to meet anyone who wants a relationship, whether it be at work or elsewhere. I keep trying to improve myself in whatever way, but sometimes it feels so direction-less. I just don't want to get used to the not-so-unlikely event of never finding someone where interest goes both ways. That'd be some bad shit tbh. /endrant | ||
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JoeCool
Germany2520 Posts
It occurs to me that your biggest problem is pressure. Pressure because you're "actively" looking for dates, pressure because you do not feel like you're good enough and pressure because you're scared of being alone. I was in a simlar situation three years ago, I had some dates but it never turned out well for me... girls left because they met someone else, were not interested, liked me as a "friend" or weren't "ready" for a relationship. It took me quite some time to figure out that the real reason was my expectation. Whenever I was meeting a girl, I was hoping that she would become my girlfriend. And well... girls do feel under pressure whenever they sense that you're looking for sth serious. So my best advice is, chill out and relax! Live a healthy life, meet people, make new friends and learn to love yourself for what you are! And the most important thing: Be happy with or without a woman. And then, dating women will become much, much, much easier. :-) | ||
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ragnasaur
United States804 Posts
Maybe put the most handsome/flattering picture of yourself on those dating websites since you're basically trying to sell yourself with the pic. & IRL just do things you enjoy in a more social atmosphere. Like if you're into coding go to a tech conference or something. Go to a convention for any interest you may have, make a website and start networking, organize a game night. Basically just do the things you like to do in social settings where women who enjoy the same things will be around. Start doing your coding at a cafe for example, so many single chicks go to cafe's to do homework and stuff, and they love being talked to. And when you do talk to girls, remember that everyone who is listening wants to be entertained, so give it some spice.+ Show Spoiler + 'What did you do today?' 1. 'not much, just some coding' [vs] 2. 'I wrote ALL of the code, line after line of formulas, for this HUGE website that NOBODY will ever see! OMG it was great! I'm like Neo from the Matrix!' Spot on JoeCool ;D | ||
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bloodwhore~
1010 Posts
On January 28 2016 04:14 westgun wrote: I know that I don't have exactly the best pictures or whatever, but is that all? Is online dating nothing more than superficial BS or wtf? Uni isn't a good place to look for either, with 10-20% females in my field. It doesn't really help that almost if not all guys I know don't have any luck either, and that most girls I know are already taken/have absolutely no problems with dating. I fear that once I'm done with uni that I won't have as easy contact to new people as now, that everyone worthwhile is taken, that I have as little time or even less than now for someone else, and that I won't really be able to meet anyone who wants a relationship, whether it be at work or elsewhere. I keep trying to improve myself in whatever way, but sometimes it feels so direction-less. I just don't want to get used to the not-so-unlikely event of never finding someone where interest goes both ways. That'd be some bad shit tbh. /endrant Yes. Pretty much, pictures is everything you have to go on. You have to keep in mind that girls have thousands of boys after them, why would she choose a ugly guy over a hot one if your profiles are more or less the same? I definitely think uni is a good place. Why do you need to look in your own major? | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
On January 28 2016 04:14 westgun wrote: I'm not sure if this is the best place to put it, but I just need to let this rant out. So I've tried my luck at dating again over the past year, but it could have barely gone any worse. Out of something like 10-20 girls I asked, only 2 agreed to go on a date with me, the last one being over a half year ago... I would've thought that I had some redeeming qualities that stand out, but that apparently isn't the case. It wouldn't be as bad if I could blame it on something or at least know what's keeping me from having any luck, but quite frankly, I don't. It seems that the only one to blame is me. Why only? 10-20% success rate is really good! And it's nothing to do with the qualities yada yada. That's all bullshit - what you want is practice a lot and get experience! Without it you don't know who to ask out in the first place, you probably are nervous and are doing little things that turn women off and don't have the confidence to just walk up to any girl you like, just see if she's worthy of being given the opportunity to get to share your life experiences. On January 28 2016 05:33 JoeCool wrote: Whenever I was meeting a girl, I was hoping that she would become my girlfriend. And well... girls do feel under pressure whenever they sense that you're looking for sth serious. They feel under pressure because you seem to be looking for something serious WITH THEM when you barely know them (and getting to know someone takes months) not something serious as your long term value. You come across as if you don't care who it is, she might as well be a goat to you as long as she has a pussy and you can lock her down. Yes you do have to take the first step and walk up to girls, and loads of them if you want to be good in this area. But after you get experience and get more confident with your life in general and dating itself you do walk up to them to see if there's that compatibility and mutual attraction and if SHE is good for you. But you still have to take the first step, lots and lots of them if you want to be with someone great - and statistically based on relationship satisfaction divorce rates... that'll take a lot of people to sift through. | ||
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QuanticHawk
United States32135 Posts
On January 27 2016 06:45 LemOn wrote: yeah would be fun. Online dating is a game of numbers - you ask them out withing 3-4 messages and go on loads of dates, because the chemistry simply won't be there most of the time and online profiles are pretty much useless for that. So you can't be discouraged after 2 days off of it, I'd say if you go on 100 dates off of online dating, finding 5-10 girls with strong mutual chemistry is really good, and 1-2 that tick all your boxes for someone to get serious with if you're lucky if you're like me and don't want to compromise in major things. So you haven't even tried really and are throwing in the towel - if you choose online dating you have to be prepared to play the numbers game and your sample size is more or less worthless. it's really no different than talking to anyone in person. you still know zero about the person. there is no greater or less chance for the chemistry to be there. the only difference is you get an instant answer if you muster up the balls to chat up someone, and youcan instantly suss out whether or not you like her personality. It's still very much a numbers game, and looks are still the #1 decider in whether you get past introducing yourself. You can very much go up to every girl in a bar and go home empty handed. On January 27 2016 06:57 LemOn wrote: To add this is why I think it's a waste of time and IRL talking to real people is so much more effective. And to IRL - why would you go on dates when there's not the mutual chemistry you're looking for in the first place? You should pick up on that in the 5-10 minutes when you're talking to them first no if you choose the honest approach. no different than messaging/texting for a while online before meeting, and if anything, the person will typically post a profile or answer questions that allows you to suss out things you don't like as to not even waste your time. On January 28 2016 05:33 JoeCool wrote: So my best advice is, chill out and relax! Live a healthy life, meet people, make new friends and learn to love yourself for what you are! And the most important thing: Be happy with or without a woman. And then, dating women will become much, much, much easier. :-) yup 100% also re phontos being everything online, depends on the medium. tinder = club where you can't hear, 100% photos okc and the like = bar where you can talk a little, physical attraction still matters just like at a real bar, but you have an opportunity to preemptively show your personality before ever being messaged | ||
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WombaT
Northern Ireland26785 Posts
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Fi0na
0 Posts
On January 29 2016 10:57 Wombat_NI wrote: Really, really shitty. Had 3 months stay in psychiatric hospital, came back out and I'm somewhat at a loss. I'm not around any women at all in my day to day, friends of friends is a well that has long dried up and my ego can't currently handle potential rejection. Hope you are feeling better now Don't worry, life will find a way. | ||
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Yoz
Australia357 Posts
On January 28 2016 04:14 westgun wrote: Online dating hasn't been any better. I currently have a reply rate of 0%, so yeah... I don't send out mass messages, but rather try to adapt to the situation, much like in person. I know that I don't have exactly the best pictures or whatever, but is that all? Is online dating nothing more than superficial BS or wtf? Uni isn't a good place to look for either, with 10-20% females in my field. It doesn't really help that almost if not all guys I know don't have any luck either, and that most girls I know are already taken/have absolutely no problems with dating. I fear that once I'm done with uni that I won't have as easy contact to new people as now, that everyone worthwhile is taken, that I have as little time or even less than now for someone else, and that I won't really be able to meet anyone who wants a relationship, whether it be at work or elsewhere. I've had reasonable success online dating (on OkCupid only) but a reply rate of 0% over 20+ messages would suggest to me that something is wrong. I'm not an overly attractive guy and I found both my ex-girlfriend and fiancee through OkC as well as a couple of platonic friends. As for meeting people through university you're not actually limited to your faculty. University is great (esp. at the start) cos there's so many people you can just randomly walk up to and talk to if you're confident enough. After university it will really depend on your social circle and work-life however you are probably right that it becomes harder and harder to meet new people as you get older. | ||
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waffelz
Germany711 Posts
On January 29 2016 13:58 Yoz wrote: As for meeting people through university you're not actually limited to your faculty. University is great (esp. at the start) cos there's so many people you can just randomly walk up to and talk to if you're confident enough. After university it will really depend on your social circle and work-life however you are probably right that it becomes harder and harder to meet new people as you get older. I think it isn’t a case of him thinking he has to date someone from his own faculty, it is more a case of him not having much access to others. If you study something like computersience, electrical engineering/engineering in general etc. you are often much more separated as your field of study requires labs, workshops etc. and you more or less have just contact to people in your field/near your field as long as your university had the common sense to organize it properly. I for example am only in 3 buildings at max. One where all the CS-lectures are and therefore you don’t see anyone outside of that field there, one where all the CS-labs are located where you again don’t see anyone outside of your field and at last occasionally the labs where electrical engineering and cs merges. There you meet peers kind of outside your field but since it is engineering, the ratio of women is once again pretty bad. Oh, I just forgot, in the first 3 semester I also went to the math department on a regular basis but as it turns out, not many females there either. Big surprise. And all those buildings are pretty close together, the math one was the most central one. We even have separated main breaks here since otherwise the cafeteria would be overflown. We also have our own library. Plus, if you in that kind of position you also don’t really get to just chill around the campus and chat up people since you study something that is actually hard and therefore are busy most of the time – I mean as long as you want to finish in time and take your studies serious ;-). So yeah, university is great if you study something less consuming/take your studies slowly/your university not being as demanding or your university’s faculties aren’t as separated. But I agree, the latter one is the least deciding factor in this equality for being alone. Hang in there westgun, I know your struggle. Even though I surely wouldn’t mind having 10-20% females in my field... CS just isn't sexy enough. | ||
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Ghostcom
Denmark4783 Posts
That said, it is also plenty doable to meet new people and potential partners when you are done with the university and out in the working life so don't panic people. | ||
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QuanticHawk
United States32135 Posts
On January 29 2016 10:57 Wombat_NI wrote: Really, really shitty. Had 3 months stay in psychiatric hospital, came back out and I'm somewhat at a loss. I'm not around any women at all in my day to day, friends of friends is a well that has long dried up and my ego can't currently handle potential rejection. sorry man hope you feel better and maybe avoid dating if you know that's gonna break you | ||
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Fi0na
0 Posts
On January 29 2016 19:55 waffelz wrote: I think it isn’t a case of him thinking he has to date someone from his own faculty, it is more a case of him not having much access to others. If you study something like computersience, electrical engineering/engineering in general etc. you are often much more separated as your field of study requires labs, workshops etc. and you more or less have just contact to people in your field/near your field as long as your university had the common sense to organize it properly. I for example am only in 3 buildings at max. One where all the CS-lectures are and therefore you don’t see anyone outside of that field there, one where all the CS-labs are located where you again don’t see anyone outside of your field and at last occasionally the labs where electrical engineering and cs merges. There you meet peers kind of outside your field but since it is engineering, the ratio of women is once again pretty bad. Oh, I just forgot, in the first 3 semester I also went to the math department on a regular basis but as it turns out, not many females there either. Big surprise. And all those buildings are pretty close together, the math one was the most central one. We even have separated main breaks here since otherwise the cafeteria would be overflown. We also have our own library. Plus, if you in that kind of position you also don’t really get to just chill around the campus and chat up people since you study something that is actually hard and therefore are busy most of the time – I mean as long as you want to finish in time and take your studies serious ;-). So yeah, university is great if you study something less consuming/take your studies slowly/your university not being as demanding or your university’s faculties aren’t as separated. But I agree, the latter one is the least deciding factor in this equality for being alone. Hang in there westgun, I know your struggle. Even though I surely wouldn’t mind having 10-20% females in my field... CS just isn't sexy enough. But I can guarantee you that there are people at every faculty that take it slow/less serious and know all about the party scene of the other faculties. Ask those guys for parties to go to and you will meet tons of other people including lots of single female students. You don't have to go out drinking every night, but attending a party of another faculty once a month should be possible. And once you get to know people there you will find even more opportunities to meet people. It's just a matter of getting started really. | ||
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Titusmaster6
United States5937 Posts
On January 29 2016 10:57 Wombat_NI wrote: Really, really shitty. Had 3 months stay in psychiatric hospital, came back out and I'm somewhat at a loss. I'm not around any women at all in my day to day, friends of friends is a well that has long dried up and my ego can't currently handle potential rejection. Hang in there. | ||
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waffelz
Germany711 Posts
On January 29 2016 23:56 Fi0na wrote: But I can guarantee you that there are people at every faculty that take it slow/less serious and know all about the party scene of the other faculties. Ask those guys for parties to go to and you will meet tons of other people including lots of single female students. You don't have to go out drinking every night, but attending a party of another faculty once a month should be possible. And once you get to know people there you will find even more opportunities to meet people. It's just a matter of getting started really. I wasn’t really complaining about my situation since I currently try my best to convince myself that I’m better of being single .Just needed to vent after westgun got the default-reply to this problem. Before I switched university and changed my subject to computer science, I studied to get a teaching degree for secondary schools so I know the difference. Balanced ratio of female and male students, less pressure while also being all around 3 different campuses as I chose 3 somewhat different subjects meeting tons of people. Back then it would have been rather easy to meet someone interesting (of course I was in a relationship back then lol. The one that turned out to be absolute shit that is). Now I am in the previously described position so I know both sides and always get a bit annoyed when people who most likely only know the ”more chill” side of students life spill their wisdom(not directed at you since your response was rather realistic). Being in the wrong faculty (once again assuming the university has certain standards and you want to finish in time) improves your dating chances by almost zero percent, depending on the workload even lowers them. If you really want you can go to parties of other faculties but you also could do that if you weren’t a student at all (Just think about the poor fellas who study in cooperation with a company. Got a few cs-guys of that calibre around here and boy, they sure don’t have much of a chance then to just fork() themselves). So again, I am not saying it is impossible, just protesting against the thesis that university equals more dating opportunities and the immediate replies people always get when they state otherwise. Always feels a bit like the fellow student who still lives with his parents and doesn’t have to pay for anything yet manages to always complain that he is too broke to go out (every week). | ||
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IgnE
United States7681 Posts
Meeting other people is easier in college. If you think it's hard when "focusing on your studies" just think about "focusing on your career." At most jobs you literally spend 40+ hours a week in the same damn cubicle. Excuses are excuses. | ||
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