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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On January 26 2016 04:07 Bigtony wrote:
Update: second date went well and she thinks I'm great but "I'm not interested romantically."
Also, gay guys think I'm really hot. Kappa
Try bi? 
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As much as I personally prefer exclusive relationships/ monogamy for myself, I don't think that there is necessarily an inherent issue with open relationships. As long as you're happy. I'd imagine that people who are more interested in polyamory and open relationships might be pursuing their happiness through avenues different than my own, but as long as everyone's an adult and consents and is happy, I'm all for letting people do their own thing. If they want advice, I'm happy to give it... but I'd be silly to say "This worked for me so this must work for you and is the only respectable thing you can do".
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As long as everyone is on the same page, including the other girl
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On January 26 2016 03:39 IgnE wrote:
Why is it unhealthy to be in an open relationship with someone?
For example, if someone said, "I just got out of a relationship but the next day I found someone who is perfect and we spend all our time together now" that would be the polar opposite and would actually be worrisome.
it's not at all, assuming all parties know and, are doing it for the right reasons (ie. not coming around hoping they'll settle down, etc)
I don't know Shiragaku, but I would say if they've been the extra party in an open relationship in the past then what I mentioned isn't really all that valid. But if you all the sudden find yourself in that situation for the first time in your life after your first serious break up, when people generally will not think rationally, it's worth at least rethinking if you are doing that for the right reasons. Open relationships are notoriously tricky because they combine all the potential of fighting and bs of monogamy and multiply it by a few people.
even in your hypothetical, I'd say to roll with it but be really mindful of your motivations. It's really easy to mistake truly liking someone for just wanting to fill a hole, literally or figuratively.
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On January 25 2016 21:51 Fi0na wrote:Show nested quote +On January 25 2016 15:22 Shiragaku wrote:
Just got out of a 6 month relationship. I know this was short, but it hurts. This is the first guy I pretty much said "I love you" to among other things. I am starting to understand what people mean when they say "Happy and single." But hey, I am glad this is over and I really am raising my standards next time and not going for a loser who defends his awful habits such as being overly affectionate in public, incredibly indecisive, awful table manners, and a whole list of other things. The most important lesson I learned is that I am not ready for commitment due to my job and love is conditional.
On the bright side, I have been seeing this guy whose company I enjoy much more. He is very rational and intelligent, thoughtful, and funny. And the best thing about him is that he enjoys e-sports, even did his BA thesis on e-sports in Korea and got me to feel passionate about e-sports again. He is engaged to this one girl but I am fine with it. He and his fiance are there for each other for emotional support, finance, and their careers and I am basically a "boyfriend" to him.
But one thing that has been on my mind a lot, is it a bad thing if I am very concerned about how someone maintains their outward appearance, especially for things such as eating habits? Uhm. First of all, sorry for the end of your relationship. Second, try to read only the bolded parts. You just got out of an ugly relationship and hop into another one as the third wheel for someone who is unfaithful to his fiancé? I'm sure there is more to it and I'm not getting the full picture, but this reeks of disaster waiting to happen. As long as you are not an equal partner in this love triangle and acknoledged by both as such it will probably crash and burn down. Oh, and it is totally fine being picky with social behaviour. You won't be happy if every time your SO eats you feel like you belong to a different world and are embarassed about it in public.
I am not going to lie, half the reason I posted this was because there is something about this that is just out there even for me. So the explain the situation, I still consider myself single since I am not committed to him the same way I was to the previous guy, but they made the situation clear to me. The couple is there for each other for stuff like emotional support, talking about finance, where to move, and the future in general. My relationship with him is not on the same level as the couple and I am satisfied with it being as such. The only potential rivalry that she was worried about is me going after this other guy she is seeing. Basically, to put it cynically, I am a male mistress.
On January 26 2016 05:31 QuanticHawk wrote:Show nested quote +On January 26 2016 03:39 IgnE wrote:
Why is it unhealthy to be in an open relationship with someone?
For example, if someone said, "I just got out of a relationship but the next day I found someone who is perfect and we spend all our time together now" that would be the polar opposite and would actually be worrisome. it's not at all, assuming all parties know and, are doing it for the right reasons (ie. not coming around hoping they'll settle down, etc) I don't know Shiragaku, but I would say if they've been the extra party in an open relationship in the past then what I mentioned isn't really all that valid. But if you all the sudden find yourself in that situation for the first time in your life after your first serious break up, when people generally will not think rationally, it's worth at least rethinking if you are doing that for the right reasons. Open relationships are notoriously tricky because they combine all the potential of fighting and bs of monogamy and multiply it by a few people. even in your hypothetical, I'd say to roll with it but be really mindful of your motivations. It's really easy to mistake truly liking someone for just wanting to fill a hole, literally or figuratively.
Maybe I am doing this super hastily because one of my biggest fears right now is being alone again. But they have experience in this and have been together for 8 years and have known each other since childhood. However, if this turns out to be something that I did on a whim, I am sure I can bail since I did not commit too much.
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On January 26 2016 05:39 Shiragaku wrote:Show nested quote +On January 25 2016 21:51 Fi0na wrote:On January 25 2016 15:22 Shiragaku wrote:
Just got out of a 6 month relationship. I know this was short, but it hurts. This is the first guy I pretty much said "I love you" to among other things. I am starting to understand what people mean when they say "Happy and single." But hey, I am glad this is over and I really am raising my standards next time and not going for a loser who defends his awful habits such as being overly affectionate in public, incredibly indecisive, awful table manners, and a whole list of other things. The most important lesson I learned is that I am not ready for commitment due to my job and love is conditional.
On the bright side, I have been seeing this guy whose company I enjoy much more. He is very rational and intelligent, thoughtful, and funny. And the best thing about him is that he enjoys e-sports, even did his BA thesis on e-sports in Korea and got me to feel passionate about e-sports again. He is engaged to this one girl but I am fine with it. He and his fiance are there for each other for emotional support, finance, and their careers and I am basically a "boyfriend" to him.
But one thing that has been on my mind a lot, is it a bad thing if I am very concerned about how someone maintains their outward appearance, especially for things such as eating habits? Uhm. First of all, sorry for the end of your relationship. Second, try to read only the bolded parts. You just got out of an ugly relationship and hop into another one as the third wheel for someone who is unfaithful to his fiancé? I'm sure there is more to it and I'm not getting the full picture, but this reeks of disaster waiting to happen. As long as you are not an equal partner in this love triangle and acknoledged by both as such it will probably crash and burn down. Oh, and it is totally fine being picky with social behaviour. You won't be happy if every time your SO eats you feel like you belong to a different world and are embarassed about it in public. I am not going to lie, half the reason I posted this was because there is something about this that is just out there even for me. So the explain the situation, I still consider myself single since I am not committed to him the same way I was to the previous guy, but they made the situation clear to me. The couple is there for each other for stuff like emotional support, talking about finance, where to move, and the future in general. My relationship with him is not on the same level as the couple and I am satisfied with it being as such. The only potential rivalry that she was worried about is me going after this other guy she is seeing. Basically, to put it cynically, I am a male mistress. Show nested quote +On January 26 2016 05:31 QuanticHawk wrote:On January 26 2016 03:39 IgnE wrote:
Why is it unhealthy to be in an open relationship with someone?
For example, if someone said, "I just got out of a relationship but the next day I found someone who is perfect and we spend all our time together now" that would be the polar opposite and would actually be worrisome. it's not at all, assuming all parties know and, are doing it for the right reasons (ie. not coming around hoping they'll settle down, etc) I don't know Shiragaku, but I would say if they've been the extra party in an open relationship in the past then what I mentioned isn't really all that valid. But if you all the sudden find yourself in that situation for the first time in your life after your first serious break up, when people generally will not think rationally, it's worth at least rethinking if you are doing that for the right reasons. Open relationships are notoriously tricky because they combine all the potential of fighting and bs of monogamy and multiply it by a few people. even in your hypothetical, I'd say to roll with it but be really mindful of your motivations. It's really easy to mistake truly liking someone for just wanting to fill a hole, literally or figuratively. Maybe I am doing this super hastily because one of my biggest fears right now is being alone again. But they have experience in this and have been together for 8 years and have known each other since childhood. However, if this turns out to be something that I did on a whim, I am sure I can bail since I did not commit too much.
Is his fiancee okay with you being her fiance's mistress? Because I think most people would call you a "homewrecker".
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DPB I think you are misunderstanding something somewhere. There are four people in the relationship structure: an engaged male-female dyad, each with a mistress.
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On January 26 2016 05:46 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:Show nested quote +On January 26 2016 05:39 Shiragaku wrote:On January 25 2016 21:51 Fi0na wrote:On January 25 2016 15:22 Shiragaku wrote:
Just got out of a 6 month relationship. I know this was short, but it hurts. This is the first guy I pretty much said "I love you" to among other things. I am starting to understand what people mean when they say "Happy and single." But hey, I am glad this is over and I really am raising my standards next time and not going for a loser who defends his awful habits such as being overly affectionate in public, incredibly indecisive, awful table manners, and a whole list of other things. The most important lesson I learned is that I am not ready for commitment due to my job and love is conditional.
On the bright side, I have been seeing this guy whose company I enjoy much more. He is very rational and intelligent, thoughtful, and funny. And the best thing about him is that he enjoys e-sports, even did his BA thesis on e-sports in Korea and got me to feel passionate about e-sports again. He is engaged to this one girl but I am fine with it. He and his fiance are there for each other for emotional support, finance, and their careers and I am basically a "boyfriend" to him.
But one thing that has been on my mind a lot, is it a bad thing if I am very concerned about how someone maintains their outward appearance, especially for things such as eating habits? Uhm. First of all, sorry for the end of your relationship. Second, try to read only the bolded parts. You just got out of an ugly relationship and hop into another one as the third wheel for someone who is unfaithful to his fiancé? I'm sure there is more to it and I'm not getting the full picture, but this reeks of disaster waiting to happen. As long as you are not an equal partner in this love triangle and acknoledged by both as such it will probably crash and burn down. Oh, and it is totally fine being picky with social behaviour. You won't be happy if every time your SO eats you feel like you belong to a different world and are embarassed about it in public. I am not going to lie, half the reason I posted this was because there is something about this that is just out there even for me. So the explain the situation, I still consider myself single since I am not committed to him the same way I was to the previous guy, but they made the situation clear to me. The couple is there for each other for stuff like emotional support, talking about finance, where to move, and the future in general. My relationship with him is not on the same level as the couple and I am satisfied with it being as such. The only potential rivalry that she was worried about is me going after this other guy she is seeing. Basically, to put it cynically, I am a male mistress. On January 26 2016 05:31 QuanticHawk wrote:On January 26 2016 03:39 IgnE wrote:
Why is it unhealthy to be in an open relationship with someone?
For example, if someone said, "I just got out of a relationship but the next day I found someone who is perfect and we spend all our time together now" that would be the polar opposite and would actually be worrisome. it's not at all, assuming all parties know and, are doing it for the right reasons (ie. not coming around hoping they'll settle down, etc) I don't know Shiragaku, but I would say if they've been the extra party in an open relationship in the past then what I mentioned isn't really all that valid. But if you all the sudden find yourself in that situation for the first time in your life after your first serious break up, when people generally will not think rationally, it's worth at least rethinking if you are doing that for the right reasons. Open relationships are notoriously tricky because they combine all the potential of fighting and bs of monogamy and multiply it by a few people. even in your hypothetical, I'd say to roll with it but be really mindful of your motivations. It's really easy to mistake truly liking someone for just wanting to fill a hole, literally or figuratively. Maybe I am doing this super hastily because one of my biggest fears right now is being alone again. But they have experience in this and have been together for 8 years and have known each other since childhood. However, if this turns out to be something that I did on a whim, I am sure I can bail since I did not commit too much. Is his fiancee okay with you being her fiance's mistress? Because I think most people would call you a "homewrecker".
She's a yaoi fangirl and seems to be if anything, encouraging the relationship. I guess on paper, things are perfect but something about this still seems a bit odd.
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On January 26 2016 05:54 IgnE wrote:
DPB I think you are misunderstanding something somewhere. There are four people in the relationship structure: an engaged male-female dyad, each with a male mistress.
Oh I missed the part where the fiancee had a male mistress too; I thought it was only the fiance who had someone on the side (Shira). My bad 
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There's nothing wrong with open relationship as long as everybody is aware of it and ok with it .
But usually i have seen people be open to one night stand more than extra relation, so yeah it feels odd.
But as long as you don't get too much emotionally attached to him and don't expect him to leave his fiancee for you, i guess you should be fine .
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On January 26 2016 05:39 Shiragaku wrote:Show nested quote +On January 25 2016 21:51 Fi0na wrote:On January 25 2016 15:22 Shiragaku wrote:
Just got out of a 6 month relationship. I know this was short, but it hurts. This is the first guy I pretty much said "I love you" to among other things. I am starting to understand what people mean when they say "Happy and single." But hey, I am glad this is over and I really am raising my standards next time and not going for a loser who defends his awful habits such as being overly affectionate in public, incredibly indecisive, awful table manners, and a whole list of other things. The most important lesson I learned is that I am not ready for commitment due to my job and love is conditional.
On the bright side, I have been seeing this guy whose company I enjoy much more. He is very rational and intelligent, thoughtful, and funny. And the best thing about him is that he enjoys e-sports, even did his BA thesis on e-sports in Korea and got me to feel passionate about e-sports again. He is engaged to this one girl but I am fine with it. He and his fiance are there for each other for emotional support, finance, and their careers and I am basically a "boyfriend" to him.
But one thing that has been on my mind a lot, is it a bad thing if I am very concerned about how someone maintains their outward appearance, especially for things such as eating habits? Uhm. First of all, sorry for the end of your relationship. Second, try to read only the bolded parts. You just got out of an ugly relationship and hop into another one as the third wheel for someone who is unfaithful to his fiancé? I'm sure there is more to it and I'm not getting the full picture, but this reeks of disaster waiting to happen. As long as you are not an equal partner in this love triangle and acknoledged by both as such it will probably crash and burn down. Oh, and it is totally fine being picky with social behaviour. You won't be happy if every time your SO eats you feel like you belong to a different world and are embarassed about it in public. I am not going to lie, half the reason I posted this was because there is something about this that is just out there even for me. So the explain the situation, I still consider myself single since I am not committed to him the same way I was to the previous guy, but they made the situation clear to me. The couple is there for each other for stuff like emotional support, talking about finance, where to move, and the future in general. My relationship with him is not on the same level as the couple and I am satisfied with it being as such. The only potential rivalry that she was worried about is me going after this other guy she is seeing. Basically, to put it cynically, I am a male mistress. Show nested quote +On January 26 2016 05:31 QuanticHawk wrote:On January 26 2016 03:39 IgnE wrote:
Why is it unhealthy to be in an open relationship with someone?
For example, if someone said, "I just got out of a relationship but the next day I found someone who is perfect and we spend all our time together now" that would be the polar opposite and would actually be worrisome. it's not at all, assuming all parties know and, are doing it for the right reasons (ie. not coming around hoping they'll settle down, etc) I don't know Shiragaku, but I would say if they've been the extra party in an open relationship in the past then what I mentioned isn't really all that valid. But if you all the sudden find yourself in that situation for the first time in your life after your first serious break up, when people generally will not think rationally, it's worth at least rethinking if you are doing that for the right reasons. Open relationships are notoriously tricky because they combine all the potential of fighting and bs of monogamy and multiply it by a few people. even in your hypothetical, I'd say to roll with it but be really mindful of your motivations. It's really easy to mistake truly liking someone for just wanting to fill a hole, literally or figuratively. Maybe I am doing this super hastily because one of my biggest fears right now is being alone again. But they have experience in this and have been together for 8 years and have known each other since childhood. However, if this turns out to be something that I did on a whim, I am sure I can bail since I did not commit too much.
that's understandable and plenty of people temporarily bone away the pain. Just make sure that doing this for now to try it because it beats being alone doesnt turn into doing this in hopes he'll leave her for you, because you don't like it but can't do better, or anything along those lines. Lonliness and breakups make people do dumb shit but you seem self aware of that, but just be careful since the situation you are in has the potential for a disaster unlike other relationships. Best of luck!
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On January 26 2016 04:07 Bigtony wrote:
Update: second date went well and she thinks I'm great but "I'm not interested romantically."
Also, gay guys think I'm really hot. Kappa
she doesn't think you're interested romantically?
How can that be :D
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Also seems like they are poly-amorous, if they are not kids and have experience there's no issues whatsoever.
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On January 26 2016 05:55 Shiragaku wrote:Show nested quote +On January 26 2016 05:46 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:On January 26 2016 05:39 Shiragaku wrote:On January 25 2016 21:51 Fi0na wrote:On January 25 2016 15:22 Shiragaku wrote:
Just got out of a 6 month relationship. I know this was short, but it hurts. This is the first guy I pretty much said "I love you" to among other things. I am starting to understand what people mean when they say "Happy and single." But hey, I am glad this is over and I really am raising my standards next time and not going for a loser who defends his awful habits such as being overly affectionate in public, incredibly indecisive, awful table manners, and a whole list of other things. The most important lesson I learned is that I am not ready for commitment due to my job and love is conditional.
On the bright side, I have been seeing this guy whose company I enjoy much more. He is very rational and intelligent, thoughtful, and funny. And the best thing about him is that he enjoys e-sports, even did his BA thesis on e-sports in Korea and got me to feel passionate about e-sports again. He is engaged to this one girl but I am fine with it. He and his fiance are there for each other for emotional support, finance, and their careers and I am basically a "boyfriend" to him.
But one thing that has been on my mind a lot, is it a bad thing if I am very concerned about how someone maintains their outward appearance, especially for things such as eating habits? Uhm. First of all, sorry for the end of your relationship. Second, try to read only the bolded parts. You just got out of an ugly relationship and hop into another one as the third wheel for someone who is unfaithful to his fiancé? I'm sure there is more to it and I'm not getting the full picture, but this reeks of disaster waiting to happen. As long as you are not an equal partner in this love triangle and acknoledged by both as such it will probably crash and burn down. Oh, and it is totally fine being picky with social behaviour. You won't be happy if every time your SO eats you feel like you belong to a different world and are embarassed about it in public. I am not going to lie, half the reason I posted this was because there is something about this that is just out there even for me. So the explain the situation, I still consider myself single since I am not committed to him the same way I was to the previous guy, but they made the situation clear to me. The couple is there for each other for stuff like emotional support, talking about finance, where to move, and the future in general. My relationship with him is not on the same level as the couple and I am satisfied with it being as such. The only potential rivalry that she was worried about is me going after this other guy she is seeing. Basically, to put it cynically, I am a male mistress. On January 26 2016 05:31 QuanticHawk wrote:On January 26 2016 03:39 IgnE wrote:
Why is it unhealthy to be in an open relationship with someone?
For example, if someone said, "I just got out of a relationship but the next day I found someone who is perfect and we spend all our time together now" that would be the polar opposite and would actually be worrisome. it's not at all, assuming all parties know and, are doing it for the right reasons (ie. not coming around hoping they'll settle down, etc) I don't know Shiragaku, but I would say if they've been the extra party in an open relationship in the past then what I mentioned isn't really all that valid. But if you all the sudden find yourself in that situation for the first time in your life after your first serious break up, when people generally will not think rationally, it's worth at least rethinking if you are doing that for the right reasons. Open relationships are notoriously tricky because they combine all the potential of fighting and bs of monogamy and multiply it by a few people. even in your hypothetical, I'd say to roll with it but be really mindful of your motivations. It's really easy to mistake truly liking someone for just wanting to fill a hole, literally or figuratively. Maybe I am doing this super hastily because one of my biggest fears right now is being alone again. But they have experience in this and have been together for 8 years and have known each other since childhood. However, if this turns out to be something that I did on a whim, I am sure I can bail since I did not commit too much. Is his fiancee okay with you being her fiance's mistress? Because I think most people would call you a "homewrecker". She's a yaoi fangirl and seems to be if anything, encouraging the relationship. I guess on paper, things are perfect but something about this still seems a bit odd.
Seems like a pretty good deal. You just got out of a serious relationship and aren't looking for anything serious right now. You meet a nice guy who you get along with, who is also not looking for a serious relationship (with you, anyway). The rest (his fiancé, and her suitor) are kinda peripheral: as long as she knows and is okay (which you've made clear) seems quite healthy to me.
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On January 26 2016 05:39 Shiragaku wrote:
Maybe I am doing this super hastily because one of my biggest fears right now is being alone again. But they have experience in this and have been together for 8 years and have known each other since childhood. However, if this turns out to be something that I did on a whim, I am sure I can bail since I did not commit too much.
Yeah, I'm still not convinced. Note that I don't have any problem with you being the misteress (hehe) of someone in an open relationship. But this will not solve your problem of feeling alone long-term. And it may be much tougher to bail because then you really would be alone. So I would advice you to work on being okay with yourself and being alone. It will lift the burden of your happyness from relationships and you won't have to settle for someone again who is a maniac with habits that you cannot stand and unwilling to change.
Try being okay being alone. Treat yourself. Do enjoyable stuff, sports, arts, whatever you fancy (for me it is sport). Learn what you can do to make yourself feel better when you feel alone. Have rebound fun being the mistress. And I'm sure you will find someone deserving of you
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OR if it's your thing, just practice polyamory yourself
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Well that was fast. Fucking sigh. Asked her when she was available for the next date. Response could be summarized with "I don't have time". She said she with university starting this monday, work and trying to get her drivers license she won't have time.
I'm not sure if that was the sole reason though, I feel like you could spare an hour or two per week if you really wanted to date a person. Oh well, onto the next person.
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people suck at saying no in this day and age, it's always excuses.
after ~8 or 9 dates with 4 different girls, i'm done with my little binge. some nice people, but not finding that chemistry i'm looking for. decent confidence boost though and a good learning experience i think. good to dip my toes back in after a few years at least.
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And you tried 4 people? What'll you tell us next -that they were out of online dating too? :D
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On January 27 2016 00:53 ticklishmusic wrote:
people suck at saying no in this day and age, it's always excuses.
after ~8 or 9 dates with 4 different girls, i'm done with my little binge. some nice people, but not finding that chemistry i'm looking for. decent confidence boost though and a good learning experience i think. good to dip my toes back in after a few years at least.
Yeah I kind of have to agree with you. Started to get kind of tired of constantly having to do everything, push for dates and set up the date. It's nice when you meet someone awesome though...
Gone on ~20 different dates with 10 different girls under a year. Lem0ns approach to dating probably is way more effective, just asking out strangers instantly instead of trying to chat them up via Tinder. Nothing really news flashy about this though.
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EPT
