EPTDating: How's your luck? - Page 785
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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on. Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments. Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. | ||
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States45887 Posts
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levelping
Singapore759 Posts
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ticklishmusic
United States15977 Posts
This is me-specific, but I'd never date someone who cheated on their significant other. Why would you date a girl who doesn't have the common decency and sense to break it off first? I mean, I guess its kind of flattering, but it's honestly flattery from someone I wouldn't be able to have respect for. Maybe it's going to be an ugly breakup, but it's not going to be as ugly as when the ex finds out what was going on. I cannot think of a single compelling reason not to take it one at a time. A girl who I went to high school with ended up going to the same uni. She started dating this guy in our friend group second semester freshman year, then we all found senior year out he'd been cheating on her for a couple years. It was seriously fucked up. None of us talk to him. The fucker had the nerve to ask me for a pencil during an exam, and I stared him in the eye and said I didn't have a pencil for him (even though I had like 3 on my desk). So yeah, random anecdote. | ||
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B.I.G.
3251 Posts
I guess the whole deal about cheating is about your own standards. I can fully understand people who have such a distaste of cheating they won't do it themselves, nor tolerate other people doing it. I personally only care about cheating if it effects people I care about. I also won't actively try to seduce a woman in a relationship, but if a girl is coming on to me and in a relationship with someone you don't know I'd go for it. | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
On January 14 2016 15:44 ticklishmusic wrote: Think of it this way: if she'll leave someone like that, she will more than likely leave you too. This is me-specific, but I'd never date someone who cheated on their significant other. Why would you date a girl who doesn't have the common decency and sense to break it off first? I mean, I guess its kind of flattering, but it's honestly flattery from someone I wouldn't be able to have respect for. I'm not talking about dating if it goes against your values - just having her as a casual partner? It's fun to have girls you know are for fun only with serious relationship ruled out. | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
On January 14 2016 11:36 levelping wrote: And actually no, I'm not sure where you're making this claim about "the vast majority of people", but most of the people I know have the decency to break up first before seeing another person. Most people have cheated at some point in their life according to this http://www.statisticbrain.com/infidelity-statistics/ It floats around 50% in other research papers I've looked at. I think there's a stigma around seeing multiple partners and leaving one partner for another in the society, a perfectly natural thing - that's why people aren't honest about it and cheat instead of just, you know - communicating properly. But if you're not someone you can be honest with what's the point of long term monogamy with that person anyways. | ||
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Ghostcom
Denmark4783 Posts
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/03/22/how-common-is-cheating-infidelity-really/ The studies reporting 50+% are usually conducted in selected populations with multiple risk factors present. | ||
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levelping
Singapore759 Posts
First - It's a bit of a stretch to take statistics of 50% rate of infidelity, and then conclude that a vast majority of people rather cheat than have a conversation about their feelings for a third party. 50% barely a majority, not a vast majority. Second the questions posed in the link you sent me do you ask whether their rather cheat or have a conversation about breaking up - they simply ask whether the person has cheated before. So the data would not capture a person who, for example, has cheated on one occasion, but on three other occasions, had a talk about his feelings, broke up, and then entered into a new relationship. While this person has cheated, his actions would show that he chose talking over cheating on more occasions. Third - the link you sent me is also bad since it is about marriage infidelity. We are not talking about persons in a marriage, just ones that are dating (in your own words: Its not like a ring or piece of paper is binding her). This is a big difference because "breaking up" a marriage is costly, drawn out, and involves the courts and lawyers. Breaking up with someone you are dating is much less painful. Given that the two decisions are vastly different, you cannot use the statistics for one to drawn conclusions for the other. Fourth - you're simply hypocritical at various points. On one hand you say "there's nothing wrong with cheating besides not being honest with your partner beforehand" which tells me that the issue is whether you are honest about liking a third party. But at the same time, you make a weird distinction between "sleeping around" and wanting to "be in another relationship". If honesty is really the issue, then you would be dishonest even sleeping around, since according to you, you should just "go for it. Sex is fun and you're not the morality police". === The essence of the question is: If you liked someone (A), but you know that A is currently in a relationship with B. You feel that A and you have chemistry. Should you go out with A. You've gone on at length about what is really wrong about cheating, but that misses the point. Because in the context of the question, you are not the cheater, but the person facilitating the cheating. So the point to be answered is whether you would go along with the relationship knowing that A is cheating on B - several others and myself have pointed out that this is something which is morally not ideal, in particular because you are going to seriously ruin B's day. | ||
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States45887 Posts
But if you're not someone you can be honest with what's the point of long term monogamy with that person anyways. That's exactly why we're promoting that you break up with your current partner first, instead of cheating on them without worrying about consequences... I think there's a stigma around seeing multiple partners and leaving one partner for another in the society I don't think traditional monogamy and quickly setting down is nearly as universally assumed as it was 20 years ago (let alone 100 years ago), but either way, that's why we need to reinforce the idea that it's okay to formally leave your current partner, if you're in an exclusive relationship that you don't feel comfortable in. As opposed to cheating on them, because that's just plain scummy and uncalled for. You're not going to positively promote polyamory or open relationships if you're also saying that it's okay to sabotage and cheat on our current partners, because the latter calls your credibility into question and just makes you come off as a selfish hedonist. | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
you guys were saying you wouldn't date someone who you know has cheated before, just pointing out you are ruling out >50% population from the dating pool And sorry I think it wasn't clear what I meant by "sleeping around" I meant the single guy's perspective as in you are not committed in a relationship, you're just having casual encounters (I guess "sleeping around" implies sleeping with other people when ur in a relationship, not what I meant) | ||
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levelping
Singapore759 Posts
On January 14 2016 21:25 LemOn wrote: the stats were broken down by marriage and overall you guys were saying you wouldn't date someone who you know has cheated before, just pointing out you are ruling out >50% population from the dating pool And sorry I think it wasn't clear what I meant by "sleeping around" I meant the single guy's perspective as in you are not committed in a relationship, you're just having casual encounters (I guess "sleeping around" implies sleeping with other people when ur in a relationship, not what I meant) I don't really see how this clarification changes much. If you're a single guy sleeping around with girls that you know are actually still in relationships, you're knowingly facilitating cheating. You're abetting dishonesty. Again if this is really about honesty, even if you are just a single guy wanting a quick shag, you would tell the girl look I think you're sexy but does your boyfriend know about this and is he okay with it. Only if you get a yes answer to both would you then go sleep with her. If the boyfriend doesn't know, or if the boyfriend does not approve, then you are participating in and facilitating her dishonesty. | ||
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QuanticHawk
United States32135 Posts
On January 14 2016 10:51 LemOn wrote: I'd say you judge too much, she should be able to make her own decisions? There's nothing wrong with cheating besides not being honest with your partner beforehand - monogamy isn't the only mode of relationship, or necessarily the only morally right one. But let's face it, vast majority of people would rather cheat than come clean and have one honest very uncomfortable conversation before they act - that's the issue, not fucking other people. this is not about the morals of different types of relationships stop being obtuse. the question was specifically about someone supposedly practicing monogamy and fucking people outside of the relationship. that's not an own decision thing, it's called not being a shithead who lies. On January 14 2016 11:55 DarkPlasmaBall wrote: Lemon, your responses reinforce the issues I have with extreme hedonism. I find that it can be way too selfish and opportunistic for what I'm comfortable with. But to each his own, I suppose. that's not hedonism that's just intentionally being stupid about words. | ||
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States45887 Posts
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ragnasaur
United States804 Posts
On January 14 2016 21:02 DarkPlasmaBall wrote: I don't think traditional monogamy and quickly setting down is nearly as universally assumed as it was 20 years ago (let alone 100 years ago), but either way, that's why we need to reinforce the idea that it's okay to formally leave your current partner... It's almost as if there's a stigma around ending a relationship. Regardless of if it was through shenanigans or not. Because unless one is completely honest and upfront about why they end a relationship, the other may question their motives and draw their own conclusions as to why their partner left them--which could be very negative. Which happens when someone cheats on somebody. This is why honesty and talking with people like adults is the best way to go about things. Regarding the morals around being romantically involved with somebody else who is in a relationship, those will be gradually defused through future generations imo. I'm sure monogamy will still exist, but things like globalization, urbanization, and the internet enable us to meet many more people than our ancestors ever could. So there are many more options & people want freedom with their body in this PC culture | ||
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States45887 Posts
On January 16 2016 05:30 ragnasaur wrote: It's almost as if there's a stigma around ending a relationship. Regardless of if it was through shenanigans or not. Because unless one is completely honest and upfront about why they end a relationship, the other may question their motives and draw their own conclusions as to why their partner left them--which could be very negative. Which happens when someone cheats on somebody. This is why honesty and talking with people like adults is the best way to go about things. Regarding the morals around being romantically involved with somebody else who is in a relationship, those will be gradually defused through future generations imo. I'm sure monogamy will still exist, but things like globalization, urbanization, and the internet enable us to meet many more people than our ancestors ever could. So there are many more options & people want freedom with their body in this PC culture Well all you can do is be honest. If someone else doesn't believe you, that's on them. But if you lie and cheat, then that's on you. So between the two of those choices, my conscience would only be clear if I leave a relationship for honest reasons. I don't know if there's really a stigma attached to ending a relationship. It's usually viewed as sad and unfortunate, but I haven't heard of many people being actually judged negatively when they're honest about being unhappy and unsatisfied. I've broken up with people before- and been broken up with by ex-girlfriends before- and none of us were ever viewed as bad people. However, there's definitely a stigma attached to being a lying, cheating whore. And for good reasons. | ||
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GoTuNk!
Chile4591 Posts
Context: I own and train everyday on my crossfit gym. Girl, named Ana also trains there. I met ana roughly 1.5 years ago, asked her out, we had an awkward date and so was it. I met my ex-gf, we were a couple for like 9 months, who was friends with ana and me during the relationship. Ana and my ex-gf became best girlfriends for a while, but don't talk anymore. We have a 2nd date with ana (LOL) and again ends awkwardly. She doesn't talk to me for like 2 months. She randomly starts chatting with me like a month ago. We talk a bit when we see at the gym, and she shows up to the new year party I was (she almost never drinks or goes out) and we kiss and spend the party together. Same saturday, we stay alone and the gym and get pretty close to sex. Next monday she tells me she's "never done it" with anyone before and that's why she was nervous, etc (she just wanted to tell me). Next saturday we stayed alone again and I took her V; sex was pretty good, moaning and hitting on the back. Tuesday we have a lame discussion, and wednesday she messages me and says she wants to break up; I told her it's ok but she should tell me in person. I assumed she was gonna back down, but she told me she just wants to be friends like before. WTF. What girl loses her virginity and then says she wants to be just friends? I feel like a used peace of meat  | ||
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States45887 Posts
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GoTuNk!
Chile4591 Posts
On January 16 2016 10:17 DarkPlasmaBall wrote: It sounds like she was really lonely and realized you were/ are a guy who cared/ cares about her. Not everyone romanticizes about losing their virginity, but that certainly does seem a little out of place. Maybe she just wanted some sexual experience and trusted you enough? She took my inonocence away. Not looking for rationalizations of what happened, more on what to do next. I'd still see her 4x a week at least. I wanna keep banging her, I like her. Should I act like nothing happened and talk casually? hit on her? stop talking to her? Lemon advice plz :p | ||
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QuanticHawk
United States32135 Posts
On January 16 2016 07:06 DarkPlasmaBall wrote: Well all you can do is be honest. If someone else doesn't believe you, that's on them. But if you lie and cheat, then that's on you. So between the two of those choices, my conscience would only be clear if I leave a relationship for honest reasons. I don't know if there's really a stigma attached to ending a relationship. It's usually viewed as sad and unfortunate, but I haven't heard of many people being actually judged negatively when they're honest about being unhappy and unsatisfied. I've broken up with people before- and been broken up with by ex-girlfriends before- and none of us were ever viewed as bad people. However, there's definitely a stigma attached to being a lying, cheating whore. And for good reasons. yeah just focus on you and your morals and trying to find someone who matches that. shacking up with an idiot doesnt mean everyone is an idiot, etc etc On January 16 2016 10:42 GoTuNk! wrote: She took my inonocence away. Not looking for rationalizations of what happened, more on what to do next. I'd still see her 4x a week at least. I wanna keep banging her, I like her. Should I act like nothing happened and talk casually? hit on her? stop talking to her? Lemon advice plz :p if you just wanna bang her arent you using her just the same?? just be friendly as you always were, continue on your merry little way, and if she happens to change her mind so be it. trying to force something like that generally will not work out in your favor | ||
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ragnasaur
United States804 Posts
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