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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
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3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On January 14 2016 02:27 bloodwhore~ wrote:Show nested quote +On January 14 2016 02:16 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:
bloodwhore, I think the establishment of your premise (that you *already know with certainty that you love a coworker who you haven't tried spending non-platonic free time with yet*) is illogical I don't think it's illogical, just extremely improbable. If you have a coworker who you have worked for years who is not only a coworker but a friend who you hang out with in your spare time too. If you were to fall for her I don't think it's that unrealistic that you know if she likes you back in that way or not.
The general rule to not date coworkers stands because the risk reward is just not there. No one has said that it's a 100% of the time thing.
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On January 14 2016 02:36 ticklishmusic wrote:The general rule to not date coworkers stands because the risk reward is just not there.
From what most of you have said so far the risk for failure is high, but do you honestly deny that the reward is high?
No one has said that it's a 100% of the time thing.
Hence the bravery.
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On January 14 2016 02:39 bloodwhore~ wrote:Show nested quote +On January 14 2016 02:36 ticklishmusic wrote:The general rule to not date coworkers stands because the risk reward is just not there. From what most of you have said so far the risk is low, but do you honestly deny that the reward is high? Hence the bravery.
If the risk is low, then it can't be bravery...
But I feel like we've talked about why the risk is very high. It's high risk and high reward, except the risk is far more probable than the reward.
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On January 14 2016 02:56 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:Show nested quote +On January 14 2016 02:39 bloodwhore~ wrote:On January 14 2016 02:36 ticklishmusic wrote:The general rule to not date coworkers stands because the risk reward is just not there. From what most of you have said so far the risk is low, but do you honestly deny that the reward is high?
No one has said that it's a 100% of the time thing.
Hence the bravery. If the risk is low, then it can't be bravery... But I feel like we've talked about why the risk is very high. It's high risk and high reward, except the risk is far more probable than the reward.
Sorry, meant high risk for failure.
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On January 14 2016 01:37 bloodwhore~ wrote:Show nested quote +On January 14 2016 01:20 Fi0na wrote:
It is perfectly reasonable to value your job enough to not risk everything on a whim.
The whole premise of this debate was that you know you love her, if this is the case you most likely know her very well, to the point where you should know if she likes you back. Thus not risking that all that much other than potential. There are a lot of definitions out there who differ slightly. From http://dictionary.reference.com/a person who lacks courage in facing danger, difficulty, opposition, pain, etc.; a timid or easily intimidated person.=> You're a bit of a coward. And in what world is being with the love of your life a "tiny reward"? No harm in being a bit of a coward when it comes to financial stability, however some risks might be worth it that's all I'm saying.
to elaborate since you still don't seem to get the other crazy parts about that statement, a crush, which is what you are talking about, is not the same as being in love. You sound like a 16 year old girl, stop basing your love life off rom coms man. You get very filtered versions of realty from coworkers, and even friends you are not dating. You do not and cannot know them in that way unless you are dating.
to inject a little reality into this fairy tale nonsense, my gf's coworker at a large company that is 'ok' with workplace relationships is almost certainly getting fired for thinking with his dick. He sounds almost identical to you with thinking a crush = true love, he has little experience, and though that the girls he hit on were all in love with him too, and totally oblivious to how coming on to coworkers can back fire horribly. He made enough unwanted passes at coworkers that everyone is uncomfortable, and someone went to HR.
i don't think i am above you at all. in fact, i am sure I said equally retarded shit when was 18-19. This is just complete and utter nonsense, and it's the kind of stupid that can result in what I just described, which why myself and almost everyone else is reiterating how insane your statement is
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I don't think anyone is saying don't go for it if your longtime coworker who you have an excellent relationship is the one you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with.
Risk vs. return means converting the value of your career and the value of your (potential) relationship, adjusting for risk, into some sort of common currency and comparing. If you don't make the decision of "am I willing to give up my career for this girl/guy", there's a chance the world is going to make it for you which is going to be very unfun.
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There's a girl im friends with who's 8 yrs younger than I am and she has a boyfriend whom she lives with. There's crazy vibes between us and the other day we talked about it & she wants the D. I feel like I'd potentially be fucking up this girls life for a while if we were to get romantically involved. I also feel she's less mature than I am & just wants to cheat on her boyfriend. Maybe that's just negativity though.. Anybody have experience with this kind of thing?
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On January 14 2016 04:22 ragnasaur wrote:
There's a girl im friends with who's 8 yrs younger than I am and she has a boyfriend whom she lives with. There's crazy vibes between us and the other day we talked about it & she wants the D. I feel like I'd potentially be fucking up this girls life for a while if we were to get romantically involved. I also feel she's less mature than I am & just wants to cheat on her boyfriend. Maybe that's just negativity though.. Anybody have experience with this kind of thing?
I do (when I was single)... but surely you're not asking whether or not you should do it? It seems like you already recognize that that's a shitty thing for you to do, since it would end up really hurting her in the long run.
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What did you do about it & how'd it work out? & Why is it a shitty thing to do? Its not like a ring or piece of paper is binding her
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On January 14 2016 04:44 ragnasaur wrote:
What did you do about it & how'd it work out? & Why is it a shitty thing to do? Its not like a ring or piece of paper is binding her
She's not legally bound, but she should feel morally bound by her exclusive relationship. It's dishonest and hurtful to both her boyfriend and her reputation. And some people would think of me as a douche if I went along with it.
I said I didn't feel comfortable getting involved with a girl who's already in an exclusive relationship with someone else. I always have so much on my plate that I don't need extra drama in my life. Obviously, she's the one who shouldn't be cheating/ should break up with her boyfriend if she wants to no longer be exclusive, but I didn't feel like being an impetus to that issue. There were plenty of other girls who were single that I could hook up with if I wanted it. She and I were still friends and lightly flirted from time to time, but it was clear to both of us that we wouldn't be sneaking around behind her boyfriend's back.
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for one, you are sticking your dick in someone else's not-open relationship and you know it
two, why would you wanna be with someone who you know at the very least shops around and almost certainly cheats?
if you don't give a shit about that then i guess just be sure you can beat the guy up
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On January 14 2016 04:22 ragnasaur wrote:
There's a girl im friends with who's 8 yrs younger than I am and she has a boyfriend whom she lives with. There's crazy vibes between us and the other day we talked about it & she wants the D. I feel like I'd potentially be fucking up this girls life for a while if we were to get romantically involved. I also feel she's less mature than I am & just wants to cheat on her boyfriend. Maybe that's just negativity though.. Anybody have experience with this kind of thing?
Yeah, I met my female friend this way. There's 2 options pretty much
1) You see other girls, just like fucking with 0 relationship potential =>go for it. Sex is fun and you're not the morality police, you don't know what's going on! Just tell her what you want and do it.
I had no issue with that in my sleep around phase when getting serious was the last thing on my mind and neither should you really.
2) You think there'a a potential in dating this girl/something more than casual sex ever. Or you're a white prince in shiny armor like these dudes above me.
"You know what? I really want you, you're gorgeous but I think cheating is wrong and I'm pretty black and white about that so why don't you give me a call if things don't work out and you're properly single again, and I'd love to take you out then girly!" And just let her be until she contacts you, and stay firm on the issue. I think a girl deserves the benefit of the doubt that it's your unique chemistry and their relationship has ran it's course and doesn't just fuck everyone. So just give her space to sort it out with her bf one way or the other, and come to you when she's single.
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My experience has been that girls like that are, always, looking for a way out. If not you, it's gonna be someone else.
There was a girl who joined our gym with her bf and hitted heavily on me, but I knew the guy and actually liked him so I never let her lead me on past flirting.
He had to do a 1 month internship on a 2 hour driveaway city and she was with a new guy within literally 2 weeks.
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On January 14 2016 04:44 ragnasaur wrote:
What did you do about it & how'd it work out? & Why is it a shitty thing to do? Its not like a ring or piece of paper is binding her
I think that the fact of you raising this question, and knowing that it's not a great thing to be doing, already answers your question. There's no legal obligation on her part but you know that you're going to be doing something that is morally wrong. This is a lousy thing to do to her current partner, and is also a horrible way to start a relationship
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I'd say you judge too much, she should be able to make her own decisions? There's nothing wrong with cheating besides not being honest with your partner beforehand - monogamy isn't the only mode of relationship, or necessarily the only morally right one.
But let's face it, vast majority of people would rather cheat than come clean and have one honest very uncomfortable conversation before they act - that's the issue, not fucking other people.
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On January 14 2016 10:51 LemOn wrote:
I'd say you judge too much, she should be able to make her own decisions? There's nothing wrong with cheating besides not being honest with your partner beforehand - monogamy isn't the only mode of relationship, or necessarily the only morally right one.
That's literally the definition of cheating...
Oh yeah, there's nothing wrong with murder except for that whole killing another human being part. But other than that, it's great!
There's nothing wrong with cheating except for that whole cheating part..
Cheating is wrong because of your commitment. Plain and simple. And to your point about how monogamy isn't the only mode for a relationship, that's true but also a red herring. If you want to switch relationship "modes", you break up with your exclusive partner. You don't cheat on him/her. Period.
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I kinda feel like just because a person is in a relationship, it doesn't make it wrong to see other people. Is it wrong because we are supposed to be civilized?
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On January 14 2016 10:51 LemOn wrote:
I'd say you judge too much, she should be able to make her own decisions? There's nothing wrong with cheating besides not being honest with your partner beforehand - monogamy isn't the only mode of relationship, or necessarily the only morally right one.
But let's face it, vast majority of people would rather cheat than come clean and have one honest very uncomfortable conversation before they act - that's the issue, not fucking other people.
She's making her own decisions in the context of her existing relationship. Sure it's up to her what she wants to do with her relationship. But if you come along and she suggests hey I want to cheat on my boyfriend by sleeping with you, and you say yes, then you're facilitating the whole cheating incident. Which was my message to the original poster - his discomfort already shows that he knows it's a morally wrong decision to facilitate the girl cheating.
And actually no, I'm not sure where you're making this claim about "the vast majority of people", but most of the people I know have the decency to break up first before seeing another person.
If everyone was really as chill about cheating as you claim, it would not be social taboo at all
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On January 14 2016 11:34 ragnasaur wrote:
I kinda feel like just because a person is in a relationship, it doesn't make it wrong to see other people. Is it wrong because we are supposed to be civilized?
If you're in an exclusive relationship, then it's wrong by definition.
If you're in an open relationship, then you and her can see other people.
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EPT
