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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On December 19 2015 05:31 75 wrote:Show nested quote +On December 19 2015 05:13 Buckyman wrote:On December 19 2015 04:27 75 wrote:
im not really sexual interested in her either and want to keep her as a good friend.
so my question would be: what can i do to stop loving her the way i do now? Why do you want to change anything about this relationship? I dont want to change anything. I want to stop thinking about her and be able to treat her as a normal friend.
Unfortunately, you can't just snap your fingers and start to think of her platonically instead of romantically. Sometimes it just can't happen. My advice to you is to try spending time with other women (platonically and romantically) so that your world/ thoughts don't solely revolve around your female friend.
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On December 19 2015 04:27 75 wrote:
need some advice guys.
i fell in love with a girl who is very laid back and in my opinion good looking.
we first met like 3 months ago (during sports) and do some other stuff for like a month.
she got a boyfriend when we didnt know us as well as we do now (i pretty much failed) and hence i dont think she would be sexual interested in me -> i got friendzoned.
im not really sexual interested in her either and want to keep her as a good friend.
so my question would be: what can i do to stop loving her the way i do now?
my first idea would be to flirt&date with new girls to distract me (and obviously have fun). its just that i dont really do that. i thought about learning it and use her as a wingman who can give me advice. she would most likely do that.
we do some sports like two times a week. we probably wont meet during the holidays for like 2 weeks and i kinda hope that the time without seeing her will get me over it.
You pretty much nailed it - it's infinitely easier to let go if you're getting your needs met, more sex and affection and appreciation than you can even handle. Also often you'll find out that you liked her because of penis feelings and not purely as a person and that's okay - just learn to get good with women.
And no, time like 2 weeks will make you want her more if anything if you don't meet other girls.
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On August 28 2015 07:23 Chocolate wrote:
I'm probably going to start dating my fwb from last year. We've been together every night for about a week now and I'm beginning to realize how much I like her. Last year for some reason I had only found her attractive when I was drunk and thought she was dumb, now I just realize she was just nervous and that I think she's pretty sexy sober too.
This is a horrible thing to say, but probably the main thing that was putting me off from dating her is that my friends made fun of me every time I would do anything with her. But now I realize that they were primarily saying that because they were immature (None of them were virgins, but only barely, so I guess they still thought sex was funny) and the most vocal one (my roommate) was probably upset about the situation since he never brought any girls back to the room and it felt unfair to him. But now they're a lot better about it and I also believe them not liking her doesn't justify ME not doing anything.
Feeling pretty good right now! Anybody have a bad experience doing something like this?
I know you guys probably don't care but it's still going strong and I'm really glad I made this decision!
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On December 19 2015 09:47 Chocolate wrote:Show nested quote +On August 28 2015 07:23 Chocolate wrote:
I'm probably going to start dating my fwb from last year. We've been together every night for about a week now and I'm beginning to realize how much I like her. Last year for some reason I had only found her attractive when I was drunk and thought she was dumb, now I just realize she was just nervous and that I think she's pretty sexy sober too.
This is a horrible thing to say, but probably the main thing that was putting me off from dating her is that my friends made fun of me every time I would do anything with her. But now I realize that they were primarily saying that because they were immature (None of them were virgins, but only barely, so I guess they still thought sex was funny) and the most vocal one (my roommate) was probably upset about the situation since he never brought any girls back to the room and it felt unfair to him. But now they're a lot better about it and I also believe them not liking her doesn't justify ME not doing anything.
Feeling pretty good right now! Anybody have a bad experience doing something like this? I know you guys probably don't care but it's still going strong and I'm really glad I made this decision!
Not sure what I said at the time, but I'd imagine I bashed you for being retarded and that attraction is completely relative from your mutual POV standpoint ;p
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On December 19 2015 09:51 LemOn wrote:Show nested quote +On December 19 2015 09:47 Chocolate wrote:On August 28 2015 07:23 Chocolate wrote:
I'm probably going to start dating my fwb from last year. We've been together every night for about a week now and I'm beginning to realize how much I like her. Last year for some reason I had only found her attractive when I was drunk and thought she was dumb, now I just realize she was just nervous and that I think she's pretty sexy sober too.
This is a horrible thing to say, but probably the main thing that was putting me off from dating her is that my friends made fun of me every time I would do anything with her. But now I realize that they were primarily saying that because they were immature (None of them were virgins, but only barely, so I guess they still thought sex was funny) and the most vocal one (my roommate) was probably upset about the situation since he never brought any girls back to the room and it felt unfair to him. But now they're a lot better about it and I also believe them not liking her doesn't justify ME not doing anything.
Feeling pretty good right now! Anybody have a bad experience doing something like this? I know you guys probably don't care but it's still going strong and I'm really glad I made this decision! Not sure what I said at the time, but I'd imagine I bashed you for being retarded and that attraction is completely relative from your mutual POV standpoint ;p
Nah, you said this
On August 28 2015 23:49 LemOn wrote:Show nested quote +On August 28 2015 07:50 Chocolate wrote:On August 28 2015 07:31 Impervious wrote:
Yes, I have a bad experience doing something like that.
But on the flip side, the most important thing is to never let yourself wonder "what if?" Well, the thing is, I could probably maintain the status quo for a long time, which is basically where we are exclusive with each other but don't really interact much other than at night. In other words, what many men would consider ideal. But I think she probably wants something a little more than that and I kind of do too. I don't really want anything super serious but considering how often we hook up at this point it's pretty weird not to go on an occasional date or something. It's also probably worth mentioning that I've been the first person she has ever done anything more than kissing with, and as far as I know I'm the only one too, so I do feel kind of scummy just keeping her on the back burner for so long First of all caring what your friends think is a sign of your immaturity - you probably reacted to their remarks too much in the first place. Second, no need to overthink this, no need to spew your feelings, propose a relationship to her or anything. Next time you feel like contacting her or taking her out to do something fun, just do it, not because you feel like you owe it to her or anything but because it's what you genuinely want. And if you don't...keeping her as a fuck buddy's just fine 
Your advice was good! I didn't and don't feel obligated or anything. I just was beginning to realize then, and do realize now, how much I actually like her
Thanks for all your advice everyone!
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Yeah because people just love it when you shit all over what they do for a living. What you basically doing is walking up to her and saying "man this crap you are making here is horrible. Now give me your number".
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got a gf i know from church!
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On December 19 2015 14:01 A3th3r wrote:
got a gf i know from church!
Congrats!
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On December 19 2015 14:01 A3th3r wrote:
got a gf i know from church!
Story time?
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On December 18 2015 21:55 Volband wrote:
The very first time in my 24 years, I dared to ask out a complete stranger. Did I get fucking rekt? Why of course! But I'm proud, and honestly, it felt good. Not the rejection itself, it hurts everyone's vanity, but it was fun, you know? Turns out, even if you fail miserably, you are still alive to live another day, and possibly another sweet rejection.
I'm not saying the next time I'm about to do the same (preferably not with a retail worker, haha) I'll be a pro, but after seeing how there's really not much fuss even in the worst case scenario, it will certainly make it much, much easier. So, thanks guys!
YES! It's normal to be awkward, and the feeling's really good afterwards
Let's analyze, as I've told my sister it's such a waste that I've acquired so many skills and now don't get to use them!
So, I went there yesterday morning. It's on the way to my home, so I tried to check out whether she's in, or whether she's name is up on a board, but turns out only the managers are there. I wanted to check her facebook. I think I went there 3 times, the third one being purely for her. Yeah, I know the 3rd one was overboard, but since I realized that it's not gonna be another "I'm totally doing it!!! ... oh wait, nevermind, [excuse, excuse, excuse]", and I'm actually going to go through with it, I had all sorts of problem. Right before I went on my way there I was sweating bullets.
Don't bother check her facebook or anything, I definitely recommend just talking to a girl with an completely open mind, find out about her in person. I don't even have my girlfriend in friends on facebook, and I don't want to!
Also, that nervousness is normal in anything you're uncomfortable in when your competence is low. You'll learn with experience when your overall life confidence rises to use that anxiety and see it as excitement instead - it's just your body tuning up to perform and be alert!
+ Show Spoiler +
She's there, behind the counter. There were some people, and I could not just stand there, waiting for the right opportunity, so I started mingling. I bought some shit I did not even need, but finally, I knew I could have my 1 on 1 with her. I walked up to the cookie counter, no one around, and she was still tending to some machines, but I knew she was coming any second now. I even said out loud (but not actually LOUD loud, no one heard me) "well fuck, I'm really doing this." There she is. All right, I practiced this.
- Hi!
- Hi! Umm, what do you suggest?
I could see the pain of the world on her face, thinking "jesus fucking christ, who asks that". She forced a smile and said they are all good. Yeah, generic, uninterested answer 101. Need to dig deeper before I go all out.
- Come on now! That can't be you tatsed all of them!
- Mhm.
What a retarded question in hindsight. Of course it can't be, but what else she was supposed to say? Need to help her and myself to feel a bit more comfortable?
- The [cookie name] is terrible [or did I say shit?] for example. I know it's not you who make it, just saying.
- Well, try something new!
All right, plane crash averted. I'm still nowhere though.
- All right, then I'll take, mmm... [I'm looking around, thinking how fucking terrible all of them are] that strawberry one!
- This? All right!
- There's no way it's not fucking overpriced, but let's try it, haha!
- (genuine laugh)
Haha, I'm not a natural by any means, and this initial awkwardness never goes away. I've learned that the first 4-5 people I approach in a night are going to be awkward as fuck. Horrible opener of course, but that's okay :D
- So uhm... I... hm, yeah. So I did not... really came here to buy cookies.
- *the fuck is happening...*
Yeah, I screwed up, I totally lost eye-contact and I was doing my best not to reach the point, after I should've been so ashamed, I could've just pussy out right there. In hindsight, I say it was for the better, because I was not convincing as someone insanely confident, so even though the next time I should keep my focus, it wasn't as bad in this scenario as it could've been. Not that it matters, because:
- So, I find you really cute, and I would like to invite you to grab a coffe sometime ... [at this point I already knew my demise is inevitable, but goddamn if I wasn't finishing my sentence!] or something like that.
What does she do? Her forced smile told a million stories, and I was stabbed repeatedly, as she SILENTLY gave the cookie to me, then slowly walked away. Oh man, cringey as hell, and it will be forever awkward walking around there.
I walked away as well, to grab my beer I promised myself. It was not a celebratory beer I was secretly hoping for, but it still tastes good!
What I took away from it, is that I really can't be confident in this, unless I try it a hundred more times. Being as self-conscious as myself, trying to fake the big boy is just bleeding all over the place, but growing a thick skin, which can get used to listening my hopeless attempts should be possible.
Who wants a strawberry cookie btw? It's free.
Haha nice one! You said it yourself, it's not just with women but in general in life, the more you do things outside of your comfort zone, the more you will be willing to do uncomfortable, but correct (from the standpoint of your values, unitlity...) things.
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How do you know if she is single or not if you want to date her? ring on ring finger says nothing, I know some single girls they just like to carry it
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On December 19 2015 22:32 Dingodile wrote:
How do you know if she is single or not if you want to date her? ring on ring finger says nothing, I know some single girls they just like to carry it
Ask her.
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On December 18 2015 21:55 Volband wrote:
What does she do? Her forced smile told a million stories, and I was stabbed repeatedly, as she SILENTLY gave the cookie to me, then slowly walked away. Oh man, cringey as hell, and it will be forever awkward walking around there.
God! I was smiling the entire time reading until this part. What the fuck. Pretty low of someone to do this in my opinion, I wouldn't take it as a big loss.
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On December 19 2015 22:32 Dingodile wrote:
How do you know if she is single or not if you want to date her? ring on ring finger says nothing, I know some single girls they just like to carry it
You don't. And you don't ask. Just assume all girls are available, they will tell you if not.
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On December 19 2015 22:49 bloodwhore~ wrote:Show nested quote +On December 18 2015 21:55 Volband wrote:
What does she do? Her forced smile told a million stories, and I was stabbed repeatedly, as she SILENTLY gave the cookie to me, then slowly walked away. Oh man, cringey as hell, and it will be forever awkward walking around there. God! I was smiling the entire time reading until this part. What the fuck. Pretty low of someone to do this in my opinion, I wouldn't take it as a big loss.
how is it low of her to do that?
he approached her at her work which makes her forced to deal with him no matter what, she has no escape route. it's not exactly a comfortable situation on her end, and op acknowledged he knew it was a lost caused and pressed on anyway when he could tell she was cringing just as much as him. how is getting out of that asap rude?
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On December 20 2015 00:37 QuanticHawk wrote:Show nested quote +On December 19 2015 22:49 bloodwhore~ wrote:On December 18 2015 21:55 Volband wrote:
What does she do? Her forced smile told a million stories, and I was stabbed repeatedly, as she SILENTLY gave the cookie to me, then slowly walked away. Oh man, cringey as hell, and it will be forever awkward walking around there. God! I was smiling the entire time reading until this part. What the fuck. Pretty low of someone to do this in my opinion, I wouldn't take it as a big loss. how is it low of her to do that? he approached her at her work which makes her forced to deal with him no matter what, she has no escape route. it's not exactly a comfortable situation on her end, and op acknowledged he knew it was a lost caused and pressed on anyway when he could tell she was cringing just as much as him. how is getting out of that asap rude?
To be fair, I was already the in middle of my asking out sentence when I saw it on her, so it was too late. But I explained how I tried to make sure that before I went for it, she was somewhat comfortable. I'm not a psychopath. :D
On December 19 2015 21:53 LemOn wrote:Show nested quote +On December 18 2015 21:55 Volband wrote:
The very first time in my 24 years, I dared to ask out a complete stranger. Did I get fucking rekt? Why of course! But I'm proud, and honestly, it felt good. Not the rejection itself, it hurts everyone's vanity, but it was fun, you know? Turns out, even if you fail miserably, you are still alive to live another day, and possibly another sweet rejection.
I'm not saying the next time I'm about to do the same (preferably not with a retail worker, haha) I'll be a pro, but after seeing how there's really not much fuss even in the worst case scenario, it will certainly make it much, much easier. So, thanks guys! YES! It's normal to be awkward, and the feeling's really good afterwards Let's analyze, as I've told my sister it's such a waste that I've acquired so many skills and now don't get to use them! Show nested quote +So, I went there yesterday morning. It's on the way to my home, so I tried to check out whether she's in, or whether she's name is up on a board, but turns out only the managers are there. I wanted to check her facebook. I think I went there 3 times, the third one being purely for her. Yeah, I know the 3rd one was overboard, but since I realized that it's not gonna be another "I'm totally doing it!!! ... oh wait, nevermind, [excuse, excuse, excuse]", and I'm actually going to go through with it, I had all sorts of problem. Right before I went on my way there I was sweating bullets.
Don't bother check her facebook or anything, I definitely recommend just talking to a girl with an completely open mind, find out about her in person. I don't even have my girlfriend in friends on facebook, and I don't want to! Also, that nervousness is normal in anything you're uncomfortable in when your competence is low. You'll learn with experience when your overall life confidence rises to use that anxiety and see it as excitement instead - it's just your body tuning up to perform and be alert! Show nested quote ++ Show Spoiler +
She's there, behind the counter. There were some people, and I could not just stand there, waiting for the right opportunity, so I started mingling. I bought some shit I did not even need, but finally, I knew I could have my 1 on 1 with her. I walked up to the cookie counter, no one around, and she was still tending to some machines, but I knew she was coming any second now. I even said out loud (but not actually LOUD loud, no one heard me) "well fuck, I'm really doing this." There she is. All right, I practiced this.
- Hi!
- Hi! Umm, what do you suggest?
I could see the pain of the world on her face, thinking "jesus fucking christ, who asks that". She forced a smile and said they are all good. Yeah, generic, uninterested answer 101. Need to dig deeper before I go all out.
- Come on now! That can't be you tatsed all of them!
- Mhm.
What a retarded question in hindsight. Of course it can't be, but what else she was supposed to say? Need to help her and myself to feel a bit more comfortable?
- The [cookie name] is terrible [or did I say shit?] for example. I know it's not you who make it, just saying.
- Well, try something new!
All right, plane crash averted. I'm still nowhere though.
- All right, then I'll take, mmm... [I'm looking around, thinking how fucking terrible all of them are] that strawberry one!
- This? All right!
- There's no way it's not fucking overpriced, but let's try it, haha!
- (genuine laugh)
Haha, I'm not a natural by any means, and this initial awkwardness never goes away. I've learned that the first 4-5 people I approach in a night are going to be awkward as fuck. Horrible opener of course, but that's okay :D Show nested quote +
- So uhm... I... hm, yeah. So I did not... really came here to buy cookies.
- *the fuck is happening...*
Yeah, I screwed up, I totally lost eye-contact and I was doing my best not to reach the point, after I should've been so ashamed, I could've just pussy out right there. In hindsight, I say it was for the better, because I was not convincing as someone insanely confident, so even though the next time I should keep my focus, it wasn't as bad in this scenario as it could've been. Not that it matters, because:
- So, I find you really cute, and I would like to invite you to grab a coffe sometime ... [at this point I already knew my demise is inevitable, but goddamn if I wasn't finishing my sentence!] or something like that.
What does she do? Her forced smile told a million stories, and I was stabbed repeatedly, as she SILENTLY gave the cookie to me, then slowly walked away. Oh man, cringey as hell, and it will be forever awkward walking around there.
I walked away as well, to grab my beer I promised myself. It was not a celebratory beer I was secretly hoping for, but it still tastes good!
What I took away from it, is that I really can't be confident in this, unless I try it a hundred more times. Being as self-conscious as myself, trying to fake the big boy is just bleeding all over the place, but growing a thick skin, which can get used to listening my hopeless attempts should be possible.
Who wants a strawberry cookie btw? It's free.
Haha nice one! You said it yourself, it's not just with women but in general in life, the more you do things outside of your comfort zone, the more you will be willing to do uncomfortable, but correct (from the standpoint of your values, unitlity...) things.
The thing is, to combine the others' observations as well, if I were to approach this girl in an open environment, like at a bar or something, it would've went down exactly the way that discourages me from trying. She would be disinterested from the start, and she would not even let me start some small-talk with her. Basically, the moment I would open my mouth, I'd already see/feel she's walling herself from me. Chatting someone up, then getting turned down in a few minutes doesn't scare me that much, but the above scenario does.
The way I try to think about this, is to have fun with it. Getting absolutely ignored/detested from the start is something I find hardn to laugh off. I'd even feel better if someone would just flip me off immediately. It's very rude, but at least I'm acknowledged.
IgnE also hit a nail in the head (though I'm not sure if for the right reasons), as I do feel I drag people down. Also, I can be invisible many times. Like, people tried to go in ahead of me to the dentist FOUR times. What the hell, I was already sitting next to the door when you arrived, how did you not see me? Three times I told them I was there first, so basically I "won", but it's still demoralizing. I literally just sat there, like anyone else, so I don't know, I have some kind of aura.
Something else: Is Tinder worth the investment, or is pointless if I'm not at least a 7/10 or above guy?
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Tinder, ok cupid are both worth it imo. Just be prepared for the reality of online dating
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Trying to flirt with someone at their workplace is bad because:
1 Most people will try to keep work and private seperate so you should respect that
2 You put someone in an awkward situation where they kind of have to interact with you
3 It will get awkward or he/she will play it off with practiced ease
4 Either way you are not gonna get a good read on the person
I'm saying this because in my line of work this happens quite often to colleagues and sometimes even me. Usually quite cringeworthy..
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On December 20 2015 00:37 QuanticHawk wrote:
how is it low of her to do that?
he approached her at her work which makes her forced to deal with him no matter what, she has no escape route. it's not exactly a comfortable situation on her end, and op acknowledged he knew it was a lost caused and pressed on anyway when he could tell she was cringing just as much as him. how is getting out of that asap rude?
I just think she could have said ANYTHING, literally ANYTHING. "Fuck you." "Hell no." "No." "Not interested." Not answering is "fine" if you're online imo, but at least have the decency to say anything if someone asks you in real. She made it way weirder than it had to be.
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On December 20 2015 02:22 Volband wrote:
The way I try to think about this, is to have fun with it. Getting absolutely ignored/detested from the start is something I find hardn to laugh off. I'd even feel better if someone would just flip me off immediately. It's very rude, but at least I'm acknowledged.
Oh those are the best ones! See the thing is once you interact with people and women especially for a long time, you will recognize when she's not willing to put in the effort once you did by walking up to her or you simply don't have chemistry. Guess what, vast majority of women are incompatible with you or you'd keep fucking every girl you meet so that can happen a lot.
By far the best reaction is that once you recognize that through her body language, silence or plain rudeness you smile kindly, and without saying a word you slowly turn around and walk away. Sort of like she has done, but with positive body language, a smile on your face - the girl's just saved you time and you're closer to that "your person" that will reciprocate your effort in kind.
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EPT
