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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
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Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On December 17 2015 19:17 MysteryMeat1 wrote:
Just went on a date today. We were supposed to go to cap hill for some swing dancing, at like 10pm. However there was a dance on campus at 6pm, so we met at 4:30 played some pool and went social dancing. She asked if I still wanted to go social dancing, and I was like yeah or we could marathon some buffy the vampire slayer at your place. So we got some thai food and watched like 4 episodes.
Nothing physical happened, but we def got closer and closer each episode. Towards the end, I knew she was thinking about kissing and I could have gone for it If I wanted to, but decided to save it till next time.
Sounds like you are a coward more than it sounds like you are exercising your sovereignty.
On December 18 2015 08:56 GreenHorizons wrote:Show nested quote +On December 18 2015 04:34 ragnasaur wrote:
Im interested in a girl who sells me coffee every morning. we flirt sometimes & other times she just makes my coffee and we exchange pleasantries. i know it's her job to bring customers back anyways & she gets hit on over 9000 times a day. Plus if i fuck it up then i wont want to get coffee there anymore. Do i say anything? give her a silly chrstmas gift? just keep flirting with her until she hints at me? invite her to a social dance? do nothing and enjoy the sexual tension? im leaning towards doing nothing... Almost all the baristas in my town are in bikini's/pasties and thongs so my advice would be to find someone who isn't going to get hit on 1000's of times a week because even if you did spark something you'd know she would have to go back to flirting with men daily while you weren't together. I guess if you all still have the ones where they are clothed it could work (they tend to be less flirtatious) but I give you 1 99% chance of failure. if that 1% chance is worth finding a new coffee place I say go for it, otherwise just enjoy the tension until she demands you come back for a quickie on her break.
Where is this place where all the baristas are in bikinis and pasties?
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On December 18 2015 12:05 IgnE wrote:Show nested quote +On December 17 2015 19:17 MysteryMeat1 wrote:
Just went on a date today. We were supposed to go to cap hill for some swing dancing, at like 10pm. However there was a dance on campus at 6pm, so we met at 4:30 played some pool and went social dancing. She asked if I still wanted to go social dancing, and I was like yeah or we could marathon some buffy the vampire slayer at your place. So we got some thai food and watched like 4 episodes.
Nothing physical happened, but we def got closer and closer each episode. Towards the end, I knew she was thinking about kissing and I could have gone for it If I wanted to, but decided to save it till next time. Sounds like you are a coward more than it sounds like you are exercising your sovereignty. Show nested quote +On December 18 2015 08:56 GreenHorizons wrote:On December 18 2015 04:34 ragnasaur wrote:
Im interested in a girl who sells me coffee every morning. we flirt sometimes & other times she just makes my coffee and we exchange pleasantries. i know it's her job to bring customers back anyways & she gets hit on over 9000 times a day. Plus if i fuck it up then i wont want to get coffee there anymore. Do i say anything? give her a silly chrstmas gift? just keep flirting with her until she hints at me? invite her to a social dance? do nothing and enjoy the sexual tension? im leaning towards doing nothing... Almost all the baristas in my town are in bikini's/pasties and thongs so my advice would be to find someone who isn't going to get hit on 1000's of times a week because even if you did spark something you'd know she would have to go back to flirting with men daily while you weren't together. I guess if you all still have the ones where they are clothed it could work (they tend to be less flirtatious) but I give you 1 99% chance of failure. if that 1% chance is worth finding a new coffee place I say go for it, otherwise just enjoy the tension until she demands you come back for a quickie on her break. Where is this place where all the baristas are in bikinis and pasties?
WA state is full of them.
If so many states don't have them... anyone interested in buying into a franchise lol?
They even inspired a cheesy band to make a video.
+ Show Spoiler + Maybe NSFW?
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not sure if baristas or prostitutes
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https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bikini_barista
"In the United States, this marketing trend (sometimes referred to as sexpresso[1][2] or bareista[3][4]) originated in the Seattle, Washington area in the early 2000s."
What a world we live in.
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hahaha that is ridiculous
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The song is actually pretty catchy
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The very first time in my 24 years, I dared to ask out a complete stranger. Did I get fucking rekt? Why of course! But I'm proud, and honestly, it felt good. Not the rejection itself, it hurts everyone's vanity, but it was fun, you know? Turns out, even if you fail miserably, you are still alive to live another day, and possibly another sweet rejection.
I'm not saying the next time I'm about to do the same (preferably not with a retail worker, haha) I'll be a pro, but after seeing how there's really not much fuss even in the worst case scenario, it will certainly make it much, much easier. So, thanks guys!
(for a detailed summary and random rants you can dive into the spoiler!)
+ Show Spoiler +So, I went there yesterday morning. It's on the way to my home, so I tried to check out whether she's in, or whether she's name is up on a board, but turns out only the managers are there. I wanted to check her facebook. I think I went there 3 times, the third one being purely for her. Yeah, I know the 3rd one was overboard, but since I realized that it's not gonna be another "I'm totally doing it!!! ... oh wait, nevermind, [excuse, excuse, excuse]", and I'm actually going to go through with it, I had all sorts of problem. Right before I went on my way there I was sweating bullets.
But she wasn't there, so today happened. I went to the gym early, as I always do, and it came in handy, because after you finish with your work-out, you always empowered a bit. I dress up casually, this time not checking before-hand whether she's there or not. You see, after yesterday, I kinda lost interest, like the thing has ran it's course for me. Yeah, I was still nervous, but it was much more managable - yesterday I thought I'm going there to make the world a better place, but today, I was just going there to prove myself.
She's there, behind the counter. There were some people, and I could not just stand there, waiting for the right opportunity, so I started mingling. I bought some shit I did not even need, but finally, I knew I could have my 1 on 1 with her. I walked up to the cookie counter, no one around, and she was still tending to some machines, but I knew she was coming any second now. I even said out loud (but not actually LOUD loud, no one heard me) "well fuck, I'm really doing this." There she is. All right, I practiced this.
- Hi!
- Hi! Umm, what do you suggest?
I could see the pain of the world on her face, thinking "jesus fucking christ, who asks that". She forced a smile and said they are all good. Yeah, generic, uninterested answer 101. Need to dig deeper before I go all out.
- Come on now! That can't be you tatsed all of them!
- Mhm.
What a retarded question in hindsight. Of course it can't be, but what else she was supposed to say? Need to help her and myself to feel a bit more comfortable?
- The [cookie name] is terrible [or did I say shit?] for example. I know it's not you who make it, just saying.
- Well, try something new!
All right, plane crash averted. I'm still nowhere though.
- All right, then I'll take, mmm... [I'm looking around, thinking how fucking terrible all of them are] that strawberry one!
- This? All right!
- There's no way it's not fucking overpriced, but let's try it, haha!
- (genuine laugh)
Genuine!!!! I really am in my element, when I can go overboard with things. It's amusing how many strangers I made laugh, just by acting overzealous. The flip side of this is that it pretty much telegraphs I am everything, but serious, so it must be an instant turn off for girls looking for their M A N. Anyway, I can only awaken this side of me when I'm with someone else. Basically I use them to make my funny remarks work. I.e. when i'm alone, I never interact with cashiers, not even when they do it to me! But if I am with someone else, I have no problem telling him/her "Jesus, I'll be 50 years old and my fucking ID will still be asked for." in front of the cashier, who can then join in on the fun if wants to. I am really-really envy of the people who can be this easygoing even when they are alone.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, let's get to the wrecking part.
- So uhm... I... hm, yeah. So I did not... really came here to buy cookies.
- *the fuck is happening...*
Yeah, I screwed up, I totally lost eye-contact and I was doing my best not to reach the point, after I should've been so ashamed, I could've just pussy out right there. In hindsight, I say it was for the better, because I was not convincing as someone insanely confident, so even though the next time I should keep my focus, it wasn't as bad in this scenario as it could've been. Not that it matters, because:
- So, I find you really cute, and I would like to invite you to grab a coffe sometime ... [at this point I already knew my demise is inevitable, but goddamn if I wasn't finishing my sentence!] or something like that.
What does she do? Her forced smile told a million stories, and I was stabbed repeatedly, as she SILENTLY gave the cookie to me, then slowly walked away. Oh man, cringey as hell, and it will be forever awkward walking around there.
I walked away as well, to grab my beer I promised myself. It was not a celebratory beer I was secretly hoping for, but it still tastes good!
What I took away from it, is that I really can't be confident in this, unless I try it a hundred more times. Being as self-conscious as myself, trying to fake the big boy is just bleeding all over the place, but growing a thick skin, which can get used to listening my hopeless attempts should be possible.
Who wants a strawberry cookie btw? It's free.
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What a bitch that she couldn't even tell you 'thanks but no thanks'. I know it won't feel like that, but at least you dodged a bullet there 
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Nah she is not a bitch for not saying no thanks. At least there is something genuine in the uncomfortable way she reacted. I know girls that flirt and get flirted with so often they slip out of those situations "like an eel in a bucket of mucus"(for my dutch peops).
But good on you for trying.
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Yeah. What I het from that is not about the girl, it's that you don't seem comfortable with yourself and putting yourself out there. It's something that grows with age, and I disagree with the general forced pua mentality that it's "her loss", bit there are some valid ideas behind that mentality. First and foremost that you are just fine without that girl, and uur world doesn't come crashing down with rejection. If you fear rejection, you automatically come across as needy (and if you spoke the way you say you did, you did exactly that). Being needy is a turnoff in most cases, and more so when the person is a total stranger.
It could just be nerves, and that's fairly easy to deal with: just ask more girls out until you're no longer nervous about it But nerves aren't necessarily a problem, plenty of girls like it that the guy is nervous. It can help put them at ease. But you have to be comfortable enough to have fun regardless of their answer.
Also there are some further tips, like jumping straight to having a cup of coffee is quite sudden. Ask for her number, then text/phone her to ask her out. It gives her more time to get used to the idea, and breaks one big step into 2 smaller steps.
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Congratulations on making an approach, but you have a long way to go. Confidence, and talking fun and naturally go a long way on an approach. The biggest question is, when are you doing it again?
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On December 19 2015 01:58 Acrofales wrote:Yeah. What I het from that is not about the girl, it's that you don't seem comfortable with yourself and putting yourself out there. It's something that grows with age, and I disagree with the general forced pua mentality that it's "her loss", bit there are some valid ideas behind that mentality. First and foremost that you are just fine without that girl, and uur world doesn't come crashing down with rejection. If you fear rejection, you automatically come across as needy (and if you spoke the way you say you did, you did exactly that). Being needy is a turnoff in most cases, and more so when the person is a total stranger. It could just be nerves, and that's fairly easy to deal with: just ask more girls out until you're no longer nervous about it But nerves aren't necessarily a problem, plenty of girls like it that the guy is nervous. It can help put them at ease. But you have to be comfortable enough to have fun regardless of their answer. Also there are some further tips, like jumping straight to having a cup of coffee is quite sudden. Ask for her number, then text/phone her to ask her out. It gives her more time to get used to the idea, and breaks one big step into 2 smaller steps.
I disagree. If you ask a girl for her number, and then say something to the effect of grabbing coffee sometime- its not sudden. If a girl gives you her number she knows exactly what is going on. You telling her that you will call her some time for coffee is not a sudden realization. Why else would you be asking for the number anyway?
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On December 19 2015 02:35 Ramiel wrote:Show nested quote +On December 19 2015 01:58 Acrofales wrote:Yeah. What I het from that is not about the girl, it's that you don't seem comfortable with yourself and putting yourself out there. It's something that grows with age, and I disagree with the general forced pua mentality that it's "her loss", bit there are some valid ideas behind that mentality. First and foremost that you are just fine without that girl, and uur world doesn't come crashing down with rejection. If you fear rejection, you automatically come across as needy (and if you spoke the way you say you did, you did exactly that). Being needy is a turnoff in most cases, and more so when the person is a total stranger. It could just be nerves, and that's fairly easy to deal with: just ask more girls out until you're no longer nervous about it But nerves aren't necessarily a problem, plenty of girls like it that the guy is nervous. It can help put them at ease. But you have to be comfortable enough to have fun regardless of their answer. Also there are some further tips, like jumping straight to having a cup of coffee is quite sudden. Ask for her number, then text/phone her to ask her out. It gives her more time to get used to the idea, and breaks one big step into 2 smaller steps. I disagree. If you ask a girl for her number, and then say something to the effect of grabbing coffee sometime- its not sudden. If a girl gives you her number she knows exactly what is going on. You telling her that you will call her some time for coffee is not a sudden realization. Why else would you be asking for the number anyway?
Of course she knows. That's not the point. She hasn't said yes to going for coffee with a total stranger. She has given her number to a total stranger. She now has more time to evaluate that stranger by phone or text or only in her mind, before she actually has to say yes about the coffee.
It's semantically a different situation from asking her directly if she wants to grab coffee *sometime*, which is a yes/no question she's expected to answer on the spot (or chicken out of, as happened). You're putting the cart in front of the horse: you first force her to decide, and then still need her number to work out the details, anyway.
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You are too negative Volband. An "overzealous" affectation does not make up for the pessimism in calling things "shit" and "overpriced".
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On December 18 2015 12:05 IgnE wrote:Show nested quote +On December 17 2015 19:17 MysteryMeat1 wrote:
Just went on a date today. We were supposed to go to cap hill for some swing dancing, at like 10pm. However there was a dance on campus at 6pm, so we met at 4:30 played some pool and went social dancing. She asked if I still wanted to go social dancing, and I was like yeah or we could marathon some buffy the vampire slayer at your place. So we got some thai food and watched like 4 episodes.
Nothing physical happened, but we def got closer and closer each episode. Towards the end, I knew she was thinking about kissing and I could have gone for it If I wanted to, but decided to save it till next time. Sounds like you are a coward more than it sounds like you are exercising your sovereignty.
Probably the way I wrote it made it sound sovereign, but that wasn't the intention. Both of us come from a pretty conservative family, and we already had plans to hang out later. Plus we're in the same class so as long as I get more and more physical I think I'll be fine.
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need some advice guys.
i fell in love with a girl who is very laid back and in my opinion good looking.
we first met like 3 months ago (during sports) and do some other stuff for like a month.
she got a boyfriend when we didnt know us as well as we do now (i pretty much failed) and hence i dont think she would be sexual interested in me -> i got friendzoned.
im not really sexual interested in her either and want to keep her as a good friend.
so my question would be: what can i do to stop loving her the way i do now?
my first idea would be to flirt&date with new girls to distract me (and obviously have fun). its just that i dont really do that. i thought about learning it and use her as a wingman who can give me advice. she would most likely do that.
we do some sports like two times a week. we probably wont meet during the holidays for like 2 weeks and i kinda hope that the time without seeing her will get me over it.
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On December 19 2015 02:24 Ramiel wrote:
Congratulations on making an approach, but you have a long way to go. Confidence, and talking fun and naturally go a long way on an approach. The biggest question is, when are you doing it again?
With someone at work? Hopefully never, but I already made attempts before this at a live show to at least walk up at girls and kinda talk to them. Well, I'm lying, I had to ask my friend to accompany me when I did it, and at times it was a million times more awkward than today's situation, but I was piss drunk, so I only remember fragments. I have already been at live shows, I even managed to get drunk, so there shouldn't be any excuse holding back, but one situation sticked with me:
- There's this girl, pretty, dancing out of her mind, with her girl friend. Now, I had no problem with dancing myself (mind you, it was more of a rock after-show, so dance means jumping and singing, nothing fancy:D), but I couldn't get myself to walk up to her. Why? In my mind, I was about to make her uncomfortable, and even if she was nice enough to not send me away right away, but fake her interest, it would've driven me crazy she's just doing it for... I don't know, not being rude. Basically the tl;dr I just look at myself in situations like this as someone who drains happiness. Does that make sense?
But as I said, I was determined on the last show, so there were three memorable things.
1. We walked up to these girls. One was pretty, the other one... yeah, not. My friend chatted up the not so attractive one, while me and the pretty one just stood there silently. My poor mate got rejected, and they walked away. That was extremely awkward.
2. I, alone, stood down next to a girl. Turns out she was more of a woman, than a girl. Like in her mid 30s. She also looked like a mix of a lesbian cliché and someone who beats the crap out of boys for fun. I was actually scared, but I started to talk with her, then my friend rescued me.
3. This one was actually going well! We were waiting to take pictures with the band, so we chatted these two girls up, and we had a back and forth conversation going. I believe that was the time we should've either invited them for a drink, or aksed them what were they planning to do now [that the show is over], right? But they were gone after we took the pictures.
On December 19 2015 01:58 Acrofales wrote:Yeah. What I het from that is not about the girl, it's that you don't seem comfortable with yourself and putting yourself out there. It's something that grows with age, and I disagree with the general forced pua mentality that it's "her loss", bit there are some valid ideas behind that mentality. First and foremost that you are just fine without that girl, and uur world doesn't come crashing down with rejection. If you fear rejection, you automatically come across as needy (and if you spoke the way you say you did, you did exactly that). Being needy is a turnoff in most cases, and more so when the person is a total stranger. It could just be nerves, and that's fairly easy to deal with: just ask more girls out until you're no longer nervous about it But nerves aren't necessarily a problem, plenty of girls like it that the guy is nervous. It can help put them at ease. But you have to be comfortable enough to have fun regardless of their answer. Also there are some further tips, like jumping straight to having a cup of coffee is quite sudden. Ask for her number, then text/phone her to ask her out. It gives her more time to get used to the idea, and breaks one big step into 2 smaller steps.
What I wrote down is 90%+ word by word reiteration. What was the problem there exactly? Telling her I was not really came there for the cookies what sticks out for me, but other than that, I was just trying to ease the situation,then go for it in a straightforward way. Yes, the way I delivered those line were weaker and weaker after every sentence, but no matter how much motivational videos I watch, I'll only get better (aka believing what I am saying is not entirely futile) if I try it more in action, as you also said.
As for asking her number first. Well, I'm eagerly reading your discussion about it. I was watching a lot of LAHF videos, and they usually ask and give numbers first.
On December 19 2015 04:05 IgnE wrote:
You are too negative Volband. An "overzealous" affectation does not make up for the pessimism in calling things "shit" and "overpriced".
A friend of mine told me not to rate anything, but I'm not sure why. But she was giving generic, boring answers, she was not enjoying the convo for sure, so I tried to break the ice with saying something out of the ordinary. "Come oooon, we both know that [type of cookie] is terrible!" If she thinks the same, it supposed to ease her, right? Going over the top with using over the top, vulgar words is just to enhance this effect. I most probably should still refrain from vulgar words.
If I am stating things the other one approves, is it really bad to go overboard? Isn't it actually presents me as a more confident person? For example, I started out pretty weak today, but if she was somewhat interested in me, then she might've given me a curve ball, saying "aww, it's not thaaaat bad!" while laughing herself, then I could just hit it back with sth like "you are right, it tastes like paper, it's dry as a desert and it has nothing to do with the original recipe. You know what? I take two!" If I was a player I'd even add "and your phone number" after that.
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On December 19 2015 04:27 75 wrote:
im not really sexual interested in her either and want to keep her as a good friend.
so my question would be: what can i do to stop loving her the way i do now?
Why do you want to change anything about this relationship?
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On December 19 2015 05:13 Buckyman wrote:Show nested quote +On December 19 2015 04:27 75 wrote:
im not really sexual interested in her either and want to keep her as a good friend.
so my question would be: what can i do to stop loving her the way i do now? Why do you want to change anything about this relationship?
I dont want to change anything.
I want to stop thinking about her and be able to treat her as a normal friend.
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EPT
