EPTDating: How's your luck? - Page 764
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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on. Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments. Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. | ||
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Acrofales
Spain18289 Posts
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
On December 12 2015 21:48 arb wrote: I've had some really bad shit happen in relationships before but i think compared to this i really dont think i'll ever be able to top it or ever forgive myself It's cool dude, the holes are really close together, mistakes happen | ||
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Fyodor
Canada971 Posts
You can stay friends. Stay flirty and go see other girls as well. There's a pretty good chance of sex if you keep friends with her. You gotta keep being flirty once in a while though. You can't just play it passive and wait for her to confess to you. If she complains about her boyfriend or says she needs sex just make a move and see where it takes you. Needs to be a physical move. Like pin her against a wall and make out. She will not tell you if she decides she's into you, if you ask her over text she'll say no. Make it hard for her to say no. Just my 2 cents. | ||
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Yoz
Australia357 Posts
On December 12 2015 23:17 Fyodor wrote: I don't agree with the others here. You can stay friends. Stay flirty and go see other girls as well. There's a pretty good chance of sex if you keep friends with her. You gotta keep being flirty once in a while though. You can't just play it passive and wait for her to confess to you. If she complains about her boyfriend or says she needs sex just make a move and see where it takes you. Needs to be a physical move. Like pin her against a wall and make out. She will not tell you if she decides she's into you, if you ask her over text she'll say no. Make it hard for her to say no. Just my 2 cents. Unsure how I would feel about entering a relationship with a girl who started the relationship by cheating. Seems like a disaster waiting to happen if you ask me, but ymmv. | ||
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Fi0na
0 Posts
There is a saying (well, not really a saying, just street wisdom I suppose) that you can only be close long-term friends with someone from the opposite sex if there is something repulsive enough to keep you from getting into a relationship (well I suppose you are not that close of a friend, but what do I know). You have been friends for 7-8 years. So there is something that completely turns her off dating you, and probably there is something that kept you from going all in for all those years. She does not want a relationship with you and clearly stated that (and told you that there is something about you that turns her off so much it ain't gonna happen ever). You aren't fully into her either, you are just feeling lonely and idealize her in your mind (or at least neglect the off-putting parts). If you can't handle just being friends, that's okay. You don't have to go on the trip. But if you force her to decide upon a relationship she will deny you and then you lose your friendship as well. And even if you could manipulate her into a relationship (overwhelm emotions, use a weak moment, whatever) there still is something about you that doesn't fit into what she likes so much that it will break apart very fast. If you do go on the trip with her (it still can be lots of fun, europe does have its perks) tell her that you were confused because you were really lonely and she is a great girl and that you'd like to remain friends and don't put her in that awkward spot again, and she should be your wingwoman on the trip (not just for you, but also for her to feel safe in regards to you stirring up even more drama when she has made it abundantly clear that she does not want you). | ||
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Impervious
Canada4217 Posts
On December 12 2015 23:35 Yoz wrote: Unsure how I would feel about entering a relationship with a girl who started the relationship by cheating. Seems like a disaster waiting to happen if you ask me, but ymmv. Cheating is a symptom of something being wrong in a relationship, and if that's what it takes to end it, then so be it. Staying in a relationship where one or both members are unhappy is not a good thing..... | ||
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farvacola
United States18857 Posts
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Yoz
Australia357 Posts
On December 12 2015 23:51 Impervious wrote: Cheating is a symptom of something being wrong in a relationship, and if that's what it takes to end it, then so be it. Staying in a relationship where one or both members are unhappy is not a good thing..... Sure. Although I would probably prefer to date a girl with the maturity to recognise that and end a relationship rather than jumping onto someone else at a whim. Otherwise I'd risk dating a girl who is unhappily dating you (and says nothing about it) or a girl who will jump ship at the slightest sign of dissatisfaction with the relationship. And both scenarios seem non-ideal to me. | ||
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herokiller_
92 Posts
On December 12 2015 23:50 Fi0na wrote: something that completely turns her off dating you Yeah, I think it's obvious already something that kept you from going all in for all those years. well, she dated my friend (not one of the closest, but close enough friend) and it seems to me that he still not okay after that. You aren't fully into her either, you are just feeling lonely and idealize her in your mind (or at least neglect the off-putting parts). Exactly, I had that thought a lot of times, but it's quite hard for me to fully understand what's going on in my mind really. I don't know really, this may or may not be the case. if you could manipulate her into a relationship (overwhelm emotions, use a weak moment, whatever) Exactly, that's what most of advices sounded like to me. And I don't really want such thing to happen. If you do go on the trip with her (it still can be lots of fun, europe does have its perks) tell her that you were confused because you were really lonely and she is a great girl and that you'd like to remain friends Well, I don't think it would be sincere if I tell her that. Also, I decided not to go already. | ||
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arb
Noobville17922 Posts
On December 12 2015 23:10 LemOn wrote: It's cool dude, the holes are really close together, mistakes happen i wish it was something that was entertaining that might be worth laughing at but this honestly is something that isn't really my fault but i am indirect cause of it, and its like beyond redemption i feel | ||
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Impervious
Canada4217 Posts
On December 13 2015 00:18 Yoz wrote: Sure. Although I would probably prefer to date a girl with the maturity to recognise that and end a relationship rather than jumping onto someone else at a whim. Otherwise I'd risk dating a girl who is unhappily dating you (and says nothing about it) or a girl who will jump ship at the slightest sign of dissatisfaction with the relationship. And both scenarios seem non-ideal to me. Once a cheater ≠ always a cheater..... Plus, I don't see why it is inherently wrong for this specific act to break up a failing relationship when any other non-criminal type of act seems to be far less stigmatized. | ||
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B.I.G.
3251 Posts
The answer is no my friend. 9 times out of 10 those ideas are powered by the wrong feelings and you are not doing yourself a favor by acting upon them. | ||
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Luepert
United States1933 Posts
Anyways I see him at a meeting last night and people in the group are talking about assassination so I mention to him that he was my target. My reasoning was that the game was over so none of this mattered anymore. So I also told him about how his friends (my gf's housemantes) had helped me. He just laughs and I thought that everything was normal. Then later that night I get text from gf saying I ruined everything. My target had told the housemates that he know they gave him away (he did this in joking way, he isn't actually mad at me or them). Then the housemates got mad at my gf and then she got mad at me. She said this whole thing basically ruined her relationship with her housemates. At first I thought maybe it was my target who got mad at them so I talked to him and he said it was a good job and he doesn't care. So I'm really confused at why her housemates are mad or my gf and not at me. I sent the housemates an apology for bringing them into the whole thing and for revealing their part without their permission but I haven't heard anything back. As for gf she was super pissed for a while like an hour. I apologized to her and tried to make her realize it wasn't my intention to cause any trouble with the game. Then it weirdly took a 180. She said it was all her fault and that it's good they blame her because "she gets blamed so much she can't even feel it anymore." And she told me not to apologize to her housemates. This doesn't sit well with me at all, She is basically the most blameless party here. All she did was be there when I asked about the target and the housemates got his info to me. So the last thing last night was basically her saying everything was alright but me not really believing it. Now today we exchanged a few little texts about completely unrelated stuff. I'm not sure if I should just try to move on or what. Something still feels wrong about this to me. | ||
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Ramiel
United States1220 Posts
On December 13 2015 08:07 Luepert wrote: Well we got into our first fight. :/ Over something really weird too. So essentially I'm joining this group and one of the activities is playing this game called assassination where everyone gets a target and you have like 3 days to shoot them with a nerf gun. Anyways so I just happen to mention my target's name to my gf and she said her housemates know him. We ask and they say they do. I tell them about the game and they go on weechat and find me his class schedule. Well it ended up not mattering because he got deactivated from the game before I could get him and I just thought that was the end. Anyways I see him at a meeting last night and people in the group are talking about assassination so I mention to him that he was my target. My reasoning was that the game was over so none of this mattered anymore. So I also told him about how his friends (my gf's housemantes) had helped me. He just laughs and I thought that everything was normal. Then later that night I get text from gf saying I ruined everything. My target had told the housemates that he know they gave him away (he did this in joking way, he isn't actually mad at me or them). Then the housemates got mad at my gf and then she got mad at me. She said this whole thing basically ruined her relationship with her housemates. At first I thought maybe it was my target who got mad at them so I talked to him and he said it was a good job and he doesn't care. So I'm really confused at why her housemates are mad or my gf and not at me. I sent the housemates an apology for bringing them into the whole thing and for revealing their part without their permission but I haven't heard anything back. As for gf she was super pissed for a while like an hour. I apologized to her and tried to make her realize it wasn't my intention to cause any trouble with the game. Then it weirdly took a 180. She said it was all her fault and that it's good they blame her because "she gets blamed so much she can't even feel it anymore." And she told me not to apologize to her housemates. This doesn't sit well with me at all, She is basically the most blameless party here. All she did was be there when I asked about the target and the housemates got his info to me. So the last thing last night was basically her saying everything was alright but me not really believing it. Now today we exchanged a few little texts about completely unrelated stuff. I'm not sure if I should just try to move on or what. Something still feels wrong about this to me. I read all of this and I don't know what to say. You never should have apologized to her in the first place. You did NOTHING wrong. If her house mates have a problem that is on them. And if they took it out on your girlfriend... I don't even know what to say. So much retard. OP- you should: 1. Do not apologize to GF- you did nothing wrong. 2. She told you not to apologize / she is not accepting your apology. So MOVE ON 3. Go back to normal relationship mode. This is so stupid. If she has a huge hangup over this then she needs to group up 4. If the house mates still have a problem with this- then I would suggest finding other friends / perhaps lightly asking your GF if she also feels that her housemates are being complete idiots. 5. DO NOT attempt to fix this. Stay far the fuck away. If this blows up into a huge fiasco, and your GF is getting more angry / taking their sides- don't play into it. Walk. Its not worth wasting so much time and energy on emotional children. 6. This was A GAME. A fucking game. Games are for fun, and are made to be enjoyed. The fact that it has dissolved down to this is breathtakingly stupid. Keep that in mind. Stay calm, and ask yourself if this is how normal, healthy people would act, * All of this advice is assuming that your story is 100% true, and that you and your target are actually cool about this, and this was all it ever was about. If you are lying / omitting facts- that's on you. | ||
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GreenHorizons
United States23933 Posts
If they live with her they probably know she does that so they were probably getting a laugh out of winding her up. Then she just clued you into the tip of the emotional iceberg that is her and dealing with blame. | ||
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Ramiel
United States1220 Posts
On December 13 2015 08:41 GreenHorizons wrote: Sounds like everyone was just giving people a hard time for helping you "assassinate" the guy and your gf just took it wayy too serious. If they live with her they probably know she does that so they were probably getting a laugh out of winding her up. Then she just clued you into the tip of the emotional iceberg that is her and dealing with blame. Emotional ice burg is a good point here. Don't play into that shit OP. You cannot fix people, and you are not responsible for fixing / diagnosing / caring for them. Especially when it comes to mental disorders. If someone you are dating or someone you know is acting crazy / completely irrational you need to realize this. Once you do, ask yourself if a normal person would act this way, or if someone in a healthy relationship would act that way. If you can't justify their actions, then save yourself a ton of effort, pain, and angst- move on. | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
I think it's pretty normal to be lost the first time when a fight comes. You can either ignore it, and have this unspoken emotional thing at the back of your heads that will be building up. Or face the uncomfortable and open her and yourself up with total honestly until you both completely understand each other's point of view - and once you go through this your bond will be better than before. | ||
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Luepert
United States1933 Posts
It would have been one thing if she had just cooled down and said "I overreacted." That would make sense to me. But all this stuff about it being her fault is what makes me uncomfortable. Either way we have a formal event tonight and we are still going together so in about an hour I'll see her and probably find out how things really are. | ||
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Ramiel
United States1220 Posts
On December 13 2015 08:55 Luepert wrote: It's weird this is the first time she has done anything out of the ordinary. As to your no apologize thing, yeah I kind of panicked and just tried to calm her down. This is my first serious relationship so I'd never dealt with an upset girlfriend before so I didn't really know what to do. I also have a very non confrontational and passive personality so I don't really have much experience being upset or having people upset with me much at all. As far as I can tell the only thing I actually did wrong was to reveal that they helped me without asking. They helped my in secret and I should have respected their privacy. It would have been one thing if she had just cooled down and said "I overreacted." That would make sense to me. But all this stuff about it being her fault is what makes me uncomfortable. Either way we have a formal event tonight and we are still going together so in about an hour I'll see her and probably find out how things really are. Again, this was part of a game. They CHOSE to play along, and did not hold you to secrecy. So, you did nothing wrong. Lemon has suggested that you go and 'have a talk' with the GF. And normally I would agree. Communication and honesty are keystones to any good relationship. However, this is not one of those times. And this is why I think that. 1. You have done nothing wrong. This is not about you and her. 2. This is simply about something that happened too her, which had nothing to do with you. This happened because her housemates are emotional children or are crazy. 3. She blew up at you because of crazy / idiot housemates (but still blew up at you). Now her unloading all of her emotional baggage onto you (for no reason, and when you are not in the wrong) IS WRONG. It is not right to do that to someone. You did not deserve it, and frankly- she should treat her partner with more respect than that. 4. It is on her to deal with this as an adult, and it is also on her to recognize that this is stupid, and that she was in the wrong about this for yelling at you. (which she halfheartedly did when she told you not to apologize to her). If you can recognize this, and understand this- there is simply nothing you can say to her. As I have said before. Keep your cool, be open to communication, but realize that you have done nothing wrong, and frankly you girlfriend should be sincerely apologizing to you at some point. Now it seems that you have a pretty cool head, and are mature about this. Sometimes girls can get very emotional about weird things. However all of the best girls I have ever dated, realize this and then will apologize later to me once they realize that they went a bit too far off the deep end. As for tonight- act as if nothing happened. Treat her like the gold she is to you. If your GF is acting weird / cold / not talking to you / or acting like a child, then that should speak volumes about what kind of person she really is. Tolerate this only if you want too- BUT DO NOT 1. Go crawling to her asking what is wrong 2. Apologize 3. Lose your head, or your cool If you end the night, and are unhappy with how things turned out- calmly let her know that you felt hurt she treated you this way and how disappointing it was that a great night was ruined. If she starts to freak out about XYZ / starts breaking down / yelling or in any way acting like an emotional child / crazy person. Just walk away. DO NOT FEED INTO THAT. That is not how normal people deal with their emotions, or problems inside a relationship. Afterwards ask yourself if you need to be surrounded by people like this. | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
Saying exactly how you feel and wanting to understanding her feelings honestly is not crawling back to her or anything, it's pretty manly in my book. There's no right or wrong, nothing exact - we each have a narrow generalized understanding of the world and events as our brain simplifies the complexities of the world, in vast majority of cases simply understanding the other person's POV and vice versa is enough to solve any problem. Or discover something that can't be overcome - this issue seems like a non-issue to me though, it's pretty dumb if you think about it  | ||
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