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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
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On December 13 2015 10:20 Ramiel wrote:
Alright I see where you are coming from, and respect your position.
I suppose that its personal preference. If my GF did that to me (emotionally unloaded), and then didn't take the time to come to me first and apologize, I would walk from that so fast. To me there are very obvious things that you can do to people that will make them feel like shit. Unloading on them ie. kicking the dog is one of those things. Cheating / yelling / lying / or any other types of relationship abuse should be obvious to one party. Not seeing that would be a huge red flag for me. Something you can't fix with a discussion, and you need to walk away from.
However for the smaller things, or more overt things (like eating some food out of the fridge one side was saving, or saying something off the cuff or in passing / the way someone is acting infront of a parent / family member ext)- I do agree with your point and think that you are in the right 100% in that regard. Small things or other non blatantly toxic behavior that bothers you needs to be brought up and discussed openly for the health of the relationship.
i agree with the general sentiments you are saying about it being a really dumb reason to get bad and you should treat it as a tip of the iceberg on that esp if she needs help in recognizing that, but sometimes people really just do have bad days or lash out over shit they normally would brush off. dumb but not instadump dumb imo
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On December 15 2015 00:48 QuanticHawk wrote:Show nested quote +On December 13 2015 10:20 Ramiel wrote:
Alright I see where you are coming from, and respect your position.
I suppose that its personal preference. If my GF did that to me (emotionally unloaded), and then didn't take the time to come to me first and apologize, I would walk from that so fast. To me there are very obvious things that you can do to people that will make them feel like shit. Unloading on them ie. kicking the dog is one of those things. Cheating / yelling / lying / or any other types of relationship abuse should be obvious to one party. Not seeing that would be a huge red flag for me. Something you can't fix with a discussion, and you need to walk away from.
However for the smaller things, or more overt things (like eating some food out of the fridge one side was saving, or saying something off the cuff or in passing / the way someone is acting infront of a parent / family member ext)- I do agree with your point and think that you are in the right 100% in that regard. Small things or other non blatantly toxic behavior that bothers you needs to be brought up and discussed openly for the health of the relationship. i agree with the general sentiments you are saying about it being a really dumb reason to get bad and you should treat it as a tip of the iceberg on that esp if she needs help in recognizing that, but sometimes people really just do have bad days or lash out over shit they normally would brush off. dumb but not instadump dumb imo
You misunderstood. I would only walk, if someone unloaded on me- and then never came forward to apologize afterwards. Everyone says and does things they regret- that is why forgiveness is so important in a relationship. However doing something super toxic, and then not apologizing for it- is inexcusable imo.
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Eh, just invited girlfriend to family dinner consisting of
-my1st sis, 2nd sis+her bf, my mother+her boyfriend, grandma, great aunt and me. Should be fun. Or the end :D
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On December 15 2015 07:19 LemOn wrote:
Eh, just invited girlfriend to family dinner consisting of
-my1st sis, 2nd sis+her bf, my mother+her boyfriend, grandma, great aunt and me. Should be fun. Or the end :D
Is this the first time she's meeting the family? Are you particularly worried?
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We went to my sisters concert yesterday and she's met her+my great aunt, but this is a different story altogether.
But I'm not worried at all, she's great with people and I know I can let her alone with anyone and she'll do great. She's kinda fascinated by our dysfunctional family :D
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On December 15 2015 11:35 LemOn wrote:
We went to my sisters concert yesterday and she's met her+my great aunt, but this is a different story altogether.
But I'm not worried at all, she's great with people and I know I can let her alone with anyone and she'll do great. She's kinda fascinated by our dysfunctional family :D
In what way is your family dysfunctional?
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Just called to ask my girl friend out. "Hey, how's it going?" "Oh it's been busy. My grandma died on Sunday." "Oh... oh geeze, are you ok?.."
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is this a platonic friend? because if she was your gf id be asking why youre only finding out about that now
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Yeah that's not good man. She'd having a hard time and apparently has no desire to share that with her bf...
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Nope, she's currently a platonic friend. A friend that's a girl - girl friend. What's the better term for that?
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On December 16 2015 15:58 WarSame wrote:
Nope, she's currently a platonic friend. A friend that's a girl - girl friend. What's the better term for that?
I usually use "female friend" in English.
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haha yeah female friend is legit
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On December 16 2015 07:56 bloodwhore~ wrote:Show nested quote +On December 15 2015 11:35 LemOn wrote:
We went to my sisters concert yesterday and she's met her+my great aunt, but this is a different story altogether.
But I'm not worried at all, she's great with people and I know I can let her alone with anyone and she'll do great. She's kinda fascinated by our dysfunctional family :D In what way is your family dysfunctional?
Well let's see
parents divorced, dad has a 18y old younger new wife and 2 kids, mum has a boyfriend who hates Christmas, grandparents divorced, grandma online dating while her boyfriend has dementia and is in an institution. Sister has lived with her boyfriend for years, no sex last few and now they are "inbetween". Other sister's boyfriend's ex is still in the same orchestra and was married while he was with her, my sister took him over, they don't live together after dating for 8years, parts of family hating each other because of restitution of land from communism etc. etc.
You know usual modern family stuff. This is why I'm really glad that marriage isn't what it used to be and is more or less just an obstruction into breaking up, and has just a symbolic meaning not a gateway and a necessity to get to adulthood as Ansari was talking about. And I could whore around, date 3 girls at once while going out alone to pick up others commit only with the one that knocks my socks off and ticks every important box without any issues. My sister was even asking "where do you get these girls, she's amazing" hard work and being a male whore for a while, that's where <3 21st century.
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Guys, what is the consensus on asking out a hypermarket worker?
Luckily my eyes are not set on one of the cashiers, but on someone who can be found separated from the huge crowd. She either fills up bakery products, or at the cookie stand. I haven't talked to her about anything besides buying stuff, and I can't even say that I saw her eyes lit up whenever I was there, so it's really just me fancying her without knowing anything about her. Now, it might be shallow, but the reason I am seriously asking this question, because with her I don't feel that I'd be honored if she said yes, or anything like that. Basically, it helps my inferiority-complex that she works there, and not an aspiring lawyer, and objectively saying, she's not someone who makes every men turn around. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to prey on the weak, I do find her attractive, but I am aware of the common beauty standards, and how even - for me - little things (like small boobs, flat ass) can be an instant no-no for some guys.
Still, I know she's actually going there to work, so just because I'm free to enter and leave whenever I want, she might be extremely annoyed by some stranger hitting on her, just because she is forced to be there. On the plus side, she's not a cashier, so it's not like dozens of people would stare at us while hit on her. Though it's still hard, maybe even impossible to make sure no one else hears the conversation.
I'm not even sure how would I do that. She might have a boyfriend to begin with, and I can't just ask her out with my first sentence. Or can I? I'm quite unsure how to make these interactions non-creepy. "Yeah, I'd also like that slice of chocolate cake. Thanks. What, anything else, you ask? Well, could I get a date with you, or is that out of stock already?" hahaha, jesus fuck, this has insane potential to be a cringe-fest.
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On December 16 2015 23:25 Volband wrote:
Guys, what is the consensus on asking out a hypermarket worker?
Luckily my eyes are not set on one of the cashiers, but on someone who can be found separated from the huge crowd. She either fills up bakery products, or at the cookie stand. I haven't talked to her about anything besides buying stuff, and I can't even say that I saw her eyes lit up whenever I was there, so it's really just me fancying her without knowing anything about her. Now, it might be shallow, but the reason I am seriously asking this question, because with her I don't feel that I'd be honored if she said yes, or anything like that. Basically, it helps my inferiority-complex that she works there, and not an aspiring lawyer, and objectively saying, she's not someone who makes every men turn around. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to prey on the weak, I do find her attractive, but I am aware of the common beauty standards, and how even - for me - little things (like small boobs, flat ass) can be an instant no-no for some guys.
Still, I know she's actually going there to work, so just because I'm free to enter and leave whenever I want, she might be extremely annoyed by some stranger hitting on her, just because she is forced to be there. On the plus side, she's not a cashier, so it's not like dozens of people would stare at us while hit on her. Though it's still hard, maybe even impossible to make sure no one else hears the conversation.
I'm not even sure how would I do that. She might have a boyfriend to begin with, and I can't just ask her out with my first sentence. Or can I? I'm quite unsure how to make these interactions non-creepy. "Yeah, I'd also like that slice of chocolate cake. Thanks. What, anything else, you ask? Well, could I get a date with you, or is that out of stock already?" hahaha, jesus fuck, this has insane potential to be a cringe-fest.
Uhm. Just go up to her when she is alone, "hey I think you are cute, would you like to meet me for a coffee some time?". It really is as easy as that. Can it become awkward? There is always that chance when you ask anyone anywhere. But that's not what is important. Just go and ask her 
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On December 16 2015 23:46 Fi0na wrote:Show nested quote +On December 16 2015 23:25 Volband wrote:
Guys, what is the consensus on asking out a hypermarket worker?
Luckily my eyes are not set on one of the cashiers, but on someone who can be found separated from the huge crowd. She either fills up bakery products, or at the cookie stand. I haven't talked to her about anything besides buying stuff, and I can't even say that I saw her eyes lit up whenever I was there, so it's really just me fancying her without knowing anything about her. Now, it might be shallow, but the reason I am seriously asking this question, because with her I don't feel that I'd be honored if she said yes, or anything like that. Basically, it helps my inferiority-complex that she works there, and not an aspiring lawyer, and objectively saying, she's not someone who makes every men turn around. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to prey on the weak, I do find her attractive, but I am aware of the common beauty standards, and how even - for me - little things (like small boobs, flat ass) can be an instant no-no for some guys.
Still, I know she's actually going there to work, so just because I'm free to enter and leave whenever I want, she might be extremely annoyed by some stranger hitting on her, just because she is forced to be there. On the plus side, she's not a cashier, so it's not like dozens of people would stare at us while hit on her. Though it's still hard, maybe even impossible to make sure no one else hears the conversation.
I'm not even sure how would I do that. She might have a boyfriend to begin with, and I can't just ask her out with my first sentence. Or can I? I'm quite unsure how to make these interactions non-creepy. "Yeah, I'd also like that slice of chocolate cake. Thanks. What, anything else, you ask? Well, could I get a date with you, or is that out of stock already?" hahaha, jesus fuck, this has insane potential to be a cringe-fest. Uhm. Just go up to her when she is alone, "hey I think you are cute, would you like to meet me for a coffee some time?". It really is as easy as that. Can it become awkward? There is always that chance when you ask anyone anywhere. But that's not what is important. Just go and ask her
And have a slip of paper and pen on hand to give her your name and number in case her phone isn't with her/ is turned off (since she's working). Or ask for her number and text/ call her immediately so she'll have your number saved too.
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Ugh, easy as that? I was being somewhat self-conscious, because all I think about this scenario is me, me, me, when in fact, it could come off as rude and as a nuisance to her, without me realizing it.
And the telephone part is good, because saying "would you like to grab a pizza this saturday?" out of the total blue could be quite overwhelming, but if we exchange numbers, it's much easier. So should I rather bring a pen and paper, and give it to her so she can write her phone number down, or should I just put it down to my phone right at the spot?
edit: though if she says yes, and I totally happen to have a fucking pen and a piece of paper on me (or even worse, my own phone number written down on it), that could be a bit creepy. Not to mention all the cameras there. :D
Also, when I ask her out, I am 99,999% sure I will say "sorry" at least once. Is that a huge no-no? It's just my basic filler word whenever I talk to a stranger. I'm sorry, do you have this T-shirt in a shorter size? I'm sorry, could I ask you a favor? Sorry, could it be a Sprite instead? etc. It just makes everything less douchey in my mind, so my conversation with her would probably start like "I'm sorry, but you are really pretty, and I was wondering if I could ask you out somewhere to eat or drink sth." She doesn't seem too confident to me either, by the way.
edit2: I also don't want to overthink it too much, having a pre-set of conversation in my mind, which I try to forcefully follow/make happen.
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These are problems a lot of people have. I was reading a book about Richard Feynman, and he was worried that was unable to be a good professor. The man who hired him said - "It's not your worry. We hired you. If we made the wrong choice then that's on us. Just do your best." Similarly, assume a woman is interested in you if you're interested in her. Let her make the choice for herself. She doesn't need help rejecting you.
"Sorry" is a large no. Try not to be sorry that you're asking someone out - assume it's in their best interests or they'll reject you. Either way, no need to apologize.
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I just talked with a friend, and he said, that in his experience, if I flat out ask her out, there is no way she would say yes, and I should build it up slowly with some small-talk, so I wouldn't be a complete stranger, but "that funny/idiot guy who shops here". And I think he actually has a point, I just don't like the idea of building up some kind of strategy, where I deliberately go there just to have some small talk with her every day, or every other day (all of which I'd be prepared for, to ensure it won't end with an awkward silence), and then ask her out.
Is it true girls "work" in a way, that such a cold approach we've been discussing here is almost a sure way to get the fastest no ever, unless my looks are 10/10? The more I think about the actual conversation in which I'd ask her out, the more I pity the poor soul. She's putting bread in a basket, then suddenly this stranger comes up to her, telling her she's pretty, and asking her out.
I tried to argue a bit with my friend, but he nailed two things:
- I want to get through this as fast as possible. If I do the direct approach, then possibly tomorrow I'll have an answer. If I go with the get-to-know way, then it could take weeks, and much more effort.
- I do it to prove a point, and not because I'm madly in love.
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Your friend's advice is bad; women are not so easily predicted. Some would be incredibly flattered for a man to drop a date request out of nowhere, whereas some may indeed dismiss it out of hand given their attitude towards their work.
The only way you can really find out is by asking 
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EPT
