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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
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Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On December 03 2015 22:19 LemOn wrote:
Dude you don't learn :D
First of all - Tinder again?
Second of all what's the bullshit message, "I'd love to tell you all about it person! When are you free to get together?" boom, done.
Yeah, can't say I've been super active on tinder. It's fun swiping though!
How was this message bullshit? Sure it require you to read between the lines a tiny bit, however if you're not a complete retard you should realize that I wanted to take her out on a date. And it fit in the way we talked to each other before as well, the slightly vague metaphorically way of texting.
Furthermore, I don't buy that she just then suddenly got an epiphany like "oh his way bringing up the idea of meeting was not exactly how I wanted it and therefore I won't talk to him anymore". She understood I asked her out and chose not talk to me anymore, she would have done the same if I sent her what you proposed. It's not like I wouldn't have proposed a time and date if she had answered. I basically had time to say the first part of what you thought I should say and she cut me off from asking the second part.
Maybe you're right though, maybe I must be extremely forward and make all the choices for them in one message to avoid them stop talking to me. However that's a terribly boring way to date.
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On December 04 2015 00:00 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:Show nested quote +On December 03 2015 22:13 LemOn wrote:On December 03 2015 21:57 MaCRo.gg wrote:
I guess seeking advice.
I met exgf 3 yeas ago, she was over on a foreign exchange program at my uni.
We knew each other for a year and dated for bit over 6 months before she left. Kinda left things open ended at the end and contact each other less frequently as time goes. One visit a year ago, didn't talk much about future plans.
She graduated around 6 months ago, interning right now. A week ago she said that her uncle's company was looking for someone to help with new risk reporting regulations, implying I could get the job if I wanted. It is for slightly more pay, but moving to another country is a pretty big deal.
She is seeing another guy right now but she says it isn't serious. I'm not being a monk either. I'm 25 yo and she is 22. What's the move here? Ignore the girl in the equation and decide on a personal level if that job's a good opportunity for you or not. Living and working in a foreign country is awesome for your life, even if it doesn't work out say after a year, just great life experience that'll help you gain perspective when you come back! The girl shouldn't really play any role in your decision making, ending up with her might be a good bonus but you should not base your decision on her being there whatsoever Agreed. It's primarily solely a business decision. Would you want to work at her uncle's company if she didn't exist? If so, then it sounds like a cool opportunity to try out a new place, get new experiences, and possibly make a bit more money. You're young enough that now would be the time to explore. But. Do. Not. Do. It. Just. For. The. Girl. Something might eventually happen again between you and her, and that'd be cool (although it's getting dangerously close to shitting where you eat- dating in the workplace- since her uncle will be your boss, and if you and her end on bad terms...........). But you shouldn't move to another country just for a girl who you casually dated years ago, she's casually dating other people now, and you aren't in a serious relationship with. Your friendly relationship with her has allowed for networking and an opportunity for a job. That's why you don't burn bridges, and that's awesome! And for now, you should leave it at that.
Honestly, the job isn't the most exciting opportunity coming up for me but it is definitely more money than I could make in at least a few years. I've been advised that it wouldn't be a detriment for my career if I did decide to leave my current job, but the industry and the firm I'm currently at is more stable and developed.
It isn't like I would be working for her uncle, he is just in charge of the hiring process (HR). I would be in a completely different department plus he isn't blood related "uncle".
Also, I have several relatives that reside in her country, so it isn't like I wouldn't have any other roots...
We never officially ended the relationship, long distance wasn't going to work so it was more of a break until both of us graduated. It wasn't a problem for us a year ago when she visited, we actually hung out with couple of my friends with benefits without tension. I think we can both want/handle starting again.
In the end financial and career decision is pretty even on both pros and cons. It will have to be for personal preference which path I choose.
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On December 04 2015 02:10 MaCRo.gg wrote:Show nested quote +On December 04 2015 00:00 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:On December 03 2015 22:13 LemOn wrote:On December 03 2015 21:57 MaCRo.gg wrote:
I guess seeking advice.
I met exgf 3 yeas ago, she was over on a foreign exchange program at my uni.
We knew each other for a year and dated for bit over 6 months before she left. Kinda left things open ended at the end and contact each other less frequently as time goes. One visit a year ago, didn't talk much about future plans.
She graduated around 6 months ago, interning right now. A week ago she said that her uncle's company was looking for someone to help with new risk reporting regulations, implying I could get the job if I wanted. It is for slightly more pay, but moving to another country is a pretty big deal.
She is seeing another guy right now but she says it isn't serious. I'm not being a monk either. I'm 25 yo and she is 22. What's the move here? Ignore the girl in the equation and decide on a personal level if that job's a good opportunity for you or not. Living and working in a foreign country is awesome for your life, even if it doesn't work out say after a year, just great life experience that'll help you gain perspective when you come back! The girl shouldn't really play any role in your decision making, ending up with her might be a good bonus but you should not base your decision on her being there whatsoever Agreed. It's primarily solely a business decision. Would you want to work at her uncle's company if she didn't exist? If so, then it sounds like a cool opportunity to try out a new place, get new experiences, and possibly make a bit more money. You're young enough that now would be the time to explore. But. Do. Not. Do. It. Just. For. The. Girl. Something might eventually happen again between you and her, and that'd be cool (although it's getting dangerously close to shitting where you eat- dating in the workplace- since her uncle will be your boss, and if you and her end on bad terms...........). But you shouldn't move to another country just for a girl who you casually dated years ago, she's casually dating other people now, and you aren't in a serious relationship with. Your friendly relationship with her has allowed for networking and an opportunity for a job. That's why you don't burn bridges, and that's awesome! And for now, you should leave it at that. Honestly, the job isn't the most exciting opportunity coming up for me but it is definitely more money than I could make in at least a few years. I've been advised that it wouldn't be a detriment for my career if I did decide to leave my current job, but the industry and the firm I'm currently at is more stable and developed. It isn't like I would be working for her uncle, he is just in charge of the hiring process (HR). I would be in a completely different department plus he isn't blood related "uncle". Also, I have several relatives that reside in her country, so it isn't like I wouldn't have any other roots... We never officially ended the relationship, long distance wasn't going to work so it was more of a break until both of us graduated. It wasn't a problem for us a year ago when she visited, we actually hung out with couple of my friends with benefits without tension. I think we can both want/handle starting again. In the end financial and career decision is pretty even on both pros and cons. It will have to be for personal preference which path I choose.
Fair enough! It's good to know that you won't be stranded there, and that you might not need to worry about relationship fallout drama from the uncle. I would still make your decision based on whether or not you want to pursue the job, rather than the girl, though.
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On December 04 2015 01:25 bloodwhore~ wrote:Show nested quote +On December 03 2015 22:19 LemOn wrote:
Dude you don't learn :D
First of all - Tinder again?
Second of all what's the bullshit message, "I'd love to tell you all about it person! When are you free to get together?" boom, done. Yeah, can't say I've been super active on tinder. It's fun swiping though! How was this message bullshit? Sure it require you to read between the lines a tiny bit, however if you're not a complete retard you should realize that I wanted to take her out on a date. And it fit in the way we talked to each other before as well, the slightly vague metaphorically way of texting. Furthermore, I don't buy that she just then suddenly got an epiphany like "oh his way bringing up the idea of meeting was not exactly how I wanted it and therefore I won't talk to him anymore". She understood I asked her out and chose not talk to me anymore, she would have done the same if I sent her what you proposed. It's not like I wouldn't have proposed a time and date if she had answered. I basically had time to say the first part of what you thought I should say and she cut me off from asking the second part. Maybe you're right though, maybe I must be extremely forward and make all the choices for them in one message to avoid them stop talking to me. However that's a terribly boring way to date.
All I see is
Nerdy
Complex
Long walk
no specifics whatsoever
Why complicate stuff, save this fancy stuff for real life where you have tone of voice and body language
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On December 04 2015 04:30 LemOn wrote:
All I see is
Nerdy
Complex
Long walk
no specifics whatsoever
Why complicate stuff, save this fancy stuff for real life where you have tone of voice and body language
I don't know who stops talking to someone completely just because I didn't go into specifics in one text or mentioned those things. It's really absurd, especially when she was really interested before. Not much of a loss in my opinion. She could have gone like "ehh im not sure" or anything.
People who go silent like that have a bad case of lacking a spine in my opinion.
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You don't understand, girls can and will pick up on that type of thing. If she says "congrats for blah" and you reply "no, I suck at it, it's hard, etc." then you're already showing a lack of confidence which will probably be stronger face to face. And if they're picking up on that, and they have so much attention, why bother with you?
And it's not lacking a spine, they probably just don't care enough to let you down. They have no obligation to you so they just block you or ignore you and move on. Plenty of other guys looking to fwb them.
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Just listen to ansari, rejecting people's hard, and it takes little to screw up over texts . That message caused her to not be interested in you and she thinks silence is better than rejecting you directly
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Well there is the whole not on tinder to actually meet people angle people seem to be missing. A lot of girls will chat with you until you propose meeting in person. As they had no intention of actually meeting people (I imagine there's a significant amount of catfish on there too), it's a natural conversation ender, especially how you said it.
Others are right about the confidence issue too though.
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On December 04 2015 05:45 WarSame wrote:
You don't understand, girls can and will pick up on that type of thing. If she says "congrats for blah" and you reply "no, I suck at it, it's hard, etc." then you're already showing a lack of confidence which will probably be stronger face to face. And if they're picking up on that, and they have so much attention, why bother with you?
What I said wouldn't be interpreted as lack of confidence, not as it was said in Swedish at least. If someone were to interpret "nerdy" and "complex" as lack of confidence then I can't do much and I don't think it's much of a loss.
And it's not lacking a spine, they probably just don't care enough to let you down. They have no obligation to you so they just block you or ignore you and move on. Plenty of other guys looking to fwb them. Just listen to ansari, rejecting people's hard, and it takes little to screw up over texts. What I said wouldn't be interpreted as lack of confidence, not as it was said in Swedish at least. If someone were to interpret "nerdy" and "complex" as lack of confidence then I can't do much and I don't think it's much of a loss.
Sure, rejecting is hard for some.
I still think it says a lot about a person if you get a suggestion saying "lets go for a walk" and you go full radio silence, even though we've only exchanged a few messages. Not really a person I would like to be around, not everyone maybe cares about this but I'm a pretty open and honest guy as you might have noticed and it doesn't look good from my eyes.
Well there is the whole not on tinder to actually meet people angle people seem to be missing.
Sure, I guess this is a possibility.
No point on pondering about what was the reason anymore. I will try avoid being this vague in the future though.
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On December 04 2015 07:33 bloodwhore~ wrote:Show nested quote +On December 04 2015 05:45 WarSame wrote:
You don't understand, girls can and will pick up on that type of thing. If she says "congrats for blah" and you reply "no, I suck at it, it's hard, etc." then you're already showing a lack of confidence which will probably be stronger face to face. And if they're picking up on that, and they have so much attention, why bother with you?
What I said wouldn't be interpreted as lack of confidence, not as it was said in Swedish at least. If someone were to interpret "nerdy" and "complex" as lack of confidence then I can't do much and I don't think it's much of a loss.
I didn't mean you sounded unconfident there, I just meant in general if you suck through text they won't bother to meet you. Your confidence was actually pretty good for it. Calling it nerdy isn't necessarily bad and they'll find out eventually anyway.
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Tinder is the death of the art of dating
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Are you the last remaining artist? No one wants to make art with a certified master like yourself?
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Huh, okay.
Feel better now?
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On December 05 2015 13:20 CptMarvel wrote:
Tinder is the death of the art of dating
Wouldn't say it's the death, but the book that me and Lem0n are 'reading' now brings up a good point. There are so many choices online that you often bypass possible mates due to one thing you didn't like about her. So there is this illusion that it's easier to find a mate with all these women.
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On December 05 2015 17:15 bloodwhore~ wrote:Show nested quote +On December 05 2015 13:20 CptMarvel wrote:
Tinder is the death of the art of dating Wouldn't say it's the death, but the book that me and Lem0n are 'reading' now brings up a good point. There are so many choices online that you often bypass possible mates due to one thing you didn't like about her. So there is this illusion that it's easier to find a mate with all these women.
That's a gentle way to underline a more serious problem. Which is you start seeing girls (and girls start seeing guys) as a product to consume. You don't involve yourself as much as if you just meet someone at the bar and start making a proper conversation, with body language and overall charm. It's all about swiping to the next one. Feels like choosing a sandwich.
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On December 05 2015 22:39 CptMarvel wrote:
That's a gentle way to underline a more serious problem. Which is you start seeing girls (and girls start seeing guys) as a product to consume. You don't involve yourself as much as if you just meet someone at the bar and start making a proper conversation, with body language and overall charm. It's all about swiping to the next one. Feels like choosing a sandwich.
Or choosing who you are making a sandwich with *zing*.
But I agree with CptMarvel, I feel like it encourages bad thinking patterns that easily could affect your behaviour outside of tinder in a negative way.
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Ok, so I'm trying online dating for a 2nd time. First time I had little success, and kinda gave up because I was still having way better results offline.
From what I'm seeing, guys as a whole have completely ruined it. There's so many absolute idiots and assholes out there that fuck it up for everyone else.
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It's not hard to find and meet people online, and it's not hard to get past a first date or find datable girls online, assuming that you are able to hold pleasant conversation and carry yourself offline. That part about being a decent human being that women want to spend time with is what scuttles most people who complain they can't get past the rocky shoals of the first meetup. They don't often see it that way though: "woe is me, online dating has ruined the art of dating! none of these girls like me because guys have ruined it for all of us!"
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I know. And because of that so many women seem to be bombarded with shit like dick pics, solicitations for sex, or just copy/pasted messages because the guy is just playing the numbers game, or random other stupidity. It's really not hard to stand out from that.....
Some of the stories I've heard.....
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Tinder was amazing in 2013/2014 but nowadays it is a complete different app for me, it is good for 2 things (and keep in mind that it only works in big cities):
1) unplanned/last minute booty call (which sucks due to luck based)
2) temporary stay/travel to a new city (thats the main function for me now, mainly for meeting new friends/pipelining)
Long story short, the app goes from 'oh it is new, lets try it out' ie the kind of 'trendy' people who actually keen on using it to meet up (thats why they got the app in first place), to 'oh everyone is using it so i will use it too but i have no intention to actually meet up' ie it becomes some app for the girls to collect matches of (hot) guys. Back then you will almost always get reply in 1 day or otherwise you/she will unmatch each other if it was a no go, time saved, tonnes of fun made.
And just for the record, it doesnt matter what opener line you used, witty/trollish/normal line wont make a difference, if she likes she likes you, all you need to do is make the first move (but don't ask for number/meet up straight away obviously). So ya, the heaven of tinder is long gone.
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Online dating in general is really funny in nature because it only works in big cities (due to various reasons/factors), but then when you are in a big city then why would you use online dating? Hence i see online dating as a product which fits into some niche demographics, for example some people with unusual work schedule which cant go out in normal hours, some 'smart' people who don't enjoy the usual nightout with loud music they are hoping to find more like-minded people to hang out with etc.
Long story short, you can invest time on it (make a nice profile and be honest on what are you looking for) but don't have big hope on it, it is worse compare to real life socializing because girls get bombarded with 1000 messages daily so good luck getting her attention (even if she is actually nice and would be perfect fit for you). And online dating is an alternative platform for girls to be self-absorbed/attention seeking ie tonnes of time wasters on it.
If you live in western world you must stay in big cities to have a chance to not have shitty online/real life dating.
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EPT
