EPTOn November 30 2015 15:20 MysteryMeat1 wrote:
what's your guys opinion on an online relationship?
what's your guys opinion on an online relationship?
really bad idea
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
really bad idea | ||
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SMaD
Spain137 Posts
On November 30 2015 15:20 MysteryMeat1 wrote: what's your guys opinion on an online relationship? I wouldn't even try it. | ||
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States46618 Posts
On November 30 2015 16:30 MysteryMeat1 wrote: No it's purely online, and we won't even be able to meet-up for possible a year. The problem is we both like each enough to facebook call and do hw, talk, and chill 1-2 hours a day almost everyday. Part of me thinks its unhealthy, but another part of me due to parental situations as well as school, don't have time for anything else so doesn't care. The reason I think its bad, is that I think we'll end up hurting each other when if either of us starts seeing someone else. I was talking to one of my close friends, and he was like you can just see someone and still talk to her. I told him that it wasn't an option based on how we talk to each other. Well if you don't have time for a real relationship, then that's one thing. But if you're primarily trying to subdue strong feelings for one another by not seeing each other yet still spending your free time talking and bonding from afar, then that'll do nothing but make you guys yearn for each other more. It almost sounds like you're forbidding yourself from seeing her. If you can do homework with her and make small talk, wouldn't that allow for a healthy mix of seeing her and getting your work done? It sounds like you're trying to be very disciplined in your decisions and not get distracted, but I wonder how that's going to play out in practice if you'll still be thinking about her and being with her. Talking with someone you like on a daily basis is better than not talking to them at all, but I still find it to be... unfulfilling. Especially if you have opportunities to see them. Seeing someone you like and getting your work done shouldn't have to be mutually exclusive, and it doesn't have to be 100% of one and 0% of the other. | ||
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Fi0na
0 Posts
On November 30 2015 16:30 MysteryMeat1 wrote: No it's purely online, and we won't even be able to meet-up for possible a year. The problem is we both like each enough to facebook call and do hw, talk, and chill 1-2 hours a day almost everyday. Part of me thinks its unhealthy, but another part of me due to parental situations as well as school, don't have time for anything else so doesn't care. The reason I think its bad, is that I think we'll end up hurting each other when if either of us starts seeing someone else. I was talking to one of my close friends, and he was like you can just see someone and still talk to her. I told him that it wasn't an option based on how we talk to each other. I don't really know what "hw" is and probably don't want to know either, but here are my concerns: People are different when they are on the internet. Many people have an internet persona where it is easy to be someone else, to be open, to say stuff that you wouldn't dare in real life. So firstly, either one of you might not be what the other one thinks you are, simply because you are different in real life where you do not feel as safe. Maybe the girl loves to joke around but when you meet her she is stale as a brick. Or maybe you are cool and laid back and understanding but when you meet her you are rigid and small things that get you out of your comfort zone or are not what they are supposed to be make you go berserk. Second, you don't know much. If you "meet" someone online, you don't get the full picture. You don't know how they move, how they smell, even how they really are when you meet them in real life. You don't know SO many things, and your brain just fills in the blanks with what you wish those things you don't know about should be like. Pretty much always you will be disappointed, and so will she. Third, an online relationship such as you describe it reeks of escape from reality. As in, you both probably have a rough life on a day-to-day basis, and the online dating is the escape. Maybe parents, maybe silblings, maybe class mates or a stressful job. So what you are feeling might not be love but mostly relief from the usual stress and the illusion of feeling loved and not alone. This might be completely off base, but to me it feels like this could be the case at hand and you should try to investigate your true intentions and feelings. When reading any advice from Lem0n keep in mind that he has pretty much sex on every single date, so you should filter every advice he gives with that in mind :p Here is what I think: - make sure it is not just an escape into a fantasy world for the both of you. If it is, it is up to you if you want to continue with the illusion or talk to her about it. In case you do decide that your relationship is serious and real, stop with whatever creepy cybersex thing you were doing if you were doing any. - if you want a real relationship, meet her at least once, preferably soon. If it really is what you want, you can work for that and make it in a few months. I know people that met once on a student exchange from europe to the US, fell in love, and kept a long-distance relationship going for 3? 4? years until they finished school, the girl moved to the US and they married and live happily together ever since. It can happen and there is hope  But to me it isn't real until you have met at least once and really were into each other (and not in a way of "oh cool so that's you but now let's go back to only online as soon as possible because that was way better")So TL;DR I guess: do a reality check, is it mostly an escape into a fantasy world with a willing partner with similar issues or do you really love each other? If so, meet in real life, then evaluate again. And don't be creepy. | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
And you don't have time to spend time with real people? I call bullshit. And what's wrong with sex on every date Fiona? That's the bedrock of every romantic relationship Not necessarily penetration but one form or the other. This reminded me of my GF's one of best friends, I mentioned it before. She is Czech and had an online relationship with a guy from Denmark for a year. She finally decided to go to Denmark - picking strawberries living in a tent at first and eventually going to Copenhagen to meet him. Before she did she porked a Romanian co-worker in a tent, went to see the Danish guy anyways, kissed him but nothing else happened. So yeah I am really skeptical as you can't really get to know a person only through online interchange, and can romanticize an idea of them only for it to shatter when you finally do meet them. | ||
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Laurens
Belgium4558 Posts
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farvacola
United States18870 Posts
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QuanticHawk
United States32161 Posts
On November 30 2015 18:24 MysteryMeat1 wrote: more like its already happened. get out before one of you does something dumb ive known entirely too many people who do things like this and every single one ended catastrophically. they're always a huge waste of time. it's entirely too easy to project an ideal aka not real version of ones self without ever meeting in person. every single person i know that had one of these, the result was one or both people being unhappy with reality not matching up with perception. even if she's not actively trying to be deceptive, a person who only knows you through phone/internet/skype etc will have a distorted view of reality. They're not seeeing you in person frequently like a real bf/gf would, so they don't get to see what you're like around other people, in diff situations, etc. That's part of the reason why most people put a lot of stock into having their new bf/gf meet your friends, hang with their friends, meet families, etc. You can effectively 'date' someone for a few years without ever meeting their friends, only hearing their perspective on things, seeing only what they want you to see, and never actually hugging each other, let alone having sex... what at all about this scenario sounds appealing to you?? plus, arent you in college for the love of god???? Please don't do this, and cut ties asap so that doesn't poison the well on any other opportunities you both might have (ie. oh I went on a date but she's not like my ~perfect online girlfriend~ so she's not good enough). Even if I am totally wrong and this chick defies all odds and is 100% cool and who she says she is, she's still no where near you, and you have thousands and thousands of women minutes from you who are every bit as cool. It's one thing to go to a LDR due to circumstances. It's another to do that with someone you have never physically met. | ||
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States46618 Posts
On November 30 2015 22:46 farvacola wrote: Dude, if you think you're in love with this girl, don't come here for advice lol. Just do your thang. I'd say that he can still ask for advice if he presents enough context, but to always take everything we say with a | ||
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Fi0na
0 Posts
On November 30 2015 22:31 Laurens wrote: hw is homework, fiona, not the kinky shit you imagine actually I didn't imagine anything, was just very confused by the comments of other people and might have mixed things up again. I'm good at that :/ sorry  | ||
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QuanticHawk
United States32161 Posts
On November 30 2015 23:07 DarkPlasmaBall wrote: I'd say that he can still ask for advice if he presents enough context, but to always take everything we say with a yup listening doesnt mean you have to do it perspective is good even if it doesnt change your opinion | ||
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MysteryMeat1
United States3292 Posts
Other notes: I would also describe myself as extremely socially competent. Like DPB and QH, I just wanted some outside perspective. | ||
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QuanticHawk
United States32161 Posts
My secondary opinion is that you should really probably cut ties with this person if you feel you can't talk to other people because of the way you guys talk (paraphrasing your own words). That's going to poison the well in the same way some sappy idiot can't ever find anyone as perfect as his ex and now best friend who left him 2 years ago. No matter how you try, feelings are not an on-off switch. You can 100% listen to me about not pursing that and I'd still say stop talking to her for this reason since you're even noticing it yourself without me saying anything. It's the same reason why when you break up with someone meaningful it's generally not advisable to be friends right away, or at least until the thought of your ex fucking someone else genuinely doesn't bother you at all. It's going to cloud your judgement on anyone else (and create a whole lot of other problems). | ||
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CptMarvel
France236 Posts
Physical contact and a real, no safety net display of your personality are way too important in order to build anything reliable. | ||
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CptMarvel
France236 Posts
On December 01 2015 02:02 QuanticHawk wrote: It's the same reason why when you break up with someone meaningful it's generally not advisable to be friends right away, or at least until the thought of your ex fucking someone else genuinely doesn't bother you at all. It's going to cloud your judgement on anyone else (and create a whole lot of other problems). I completely second that statement | ||
[Phantom]
Mexico2170 Posts
So, this past weekend, a friend and his girlfriend were coming to my house and we were supposed to go out and drink and stuff (they said we would invite more people once there). When they arrived they had brought this girl who is the best friend of the girlfriend of my friend. Fast forward 15 minutes the girls go to put some more makeup and my friend tells me their master plan: This girl has a boyfriend, but he "treats her bad" she isn't happy but can't let go, so I must try to flirt with her or at least kiss her so they break up. At that point I'm just saying "This is stupid. WTF, Are we 15?" I mean, I'm (we're) 21 so I'm by no means the sage of wisdom and maturity, but holy fuck what is that plan. Anyway, fast forward a couple of hours and we are a little drunk (not much), so me and this girl start talking alone and we start talking about his boyfriend. She says she is "sacrificing her happiness to make him happy," she makes it clear that there are bad things but not everything is bad and he was his first and brings stability and blablabla, but she had thought about leaving but she hasn't been able. Eventually she falls asleep because apparently (something I didn't know) she had only went to like one party before in her entire life and had never drank "this much" (we were all “fine” except for her). Through our conversation we held hands, hugged, she put her head on my shoulders that kind of stuff. When she resurrected 3 hours later probably less drunk she still did it but it was late and I took everyone home and got back to my house, so nothing else happened. The next day my friend says that she told her girlfriend good things about me, she used a word though that could mean Good-hearted person/kind or pretty/handsome depending on the context. He tells me that I should try to make something happen, not only for her and the dumb plan but for me because of a thing that happened with a girl like a month ago that I also shared here. Which is where I'm today. I still think the plan is shit. I know the most that could happen is something not very serious (which...maybe i'd be fine with) because there's basically 0 chance of her dating me even if she likes me or/and leaves his boyfriend because one does not simply leave a 2 year relationship and starts dating at the next day. But at the same time, maybe it was because I was a little drunk, but I did like her, she is pretty and fun and she did say she wasn't all that happy... Apparently, I'll be seeing her a lot in the following weeks starting this Friday, and I did chat a little with her through whatsapp but I'm not sure how to handle this. Should I try something? Should I treat her as a friend? It looks like whatever the case she'll be joining our group of friends (at least until my friend and his girlfriend break up lol) So I'm not sure. I did like her...but it makes no sense... So I'm basically here asking you to tell me how stupid my friends are and how stupid I am for even considering this. | ||
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ticklishmusic
United States15977 Posts
also on other things, idk why ya'll place a huge emphasis on sex. maybe i just have low testosterone, god knows i can't grow a beard (am asian, failing no shave november). obviously there has to be physical attraction but i figure personality and all that is pretty important. | ||
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DarkPlasmaBall
United States46618 Posts
It's bad news all around in my opinion. She doesn't sound trustworthy or responsible. She needs to grow up, end things, and then move on (with or without you). | ||
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Acrofales
Spain18483 Posts
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Zambrah
United States7393 Posts
On December 02 2015 10:25 [Phantom] wrote: So, I'm sorry for just coming here when I need advice and not give advice, but as you’ll find I’m not a very good person to ask advices of. So, this past weekend, a friend and his girlfriend were coming to my house and we were supposed to go out and drink and stuff (they said we would invite more people once there). When they arrived they had brought this girl who is the best friend of the girlfriend of my friend. Fast forward 15 minutes the girls go to put some more makeup and my friend tells me their master plan: This girl has a boyfriend, but he "treats her bad" she isn't happy but can't let go, so I must try to flirt with her or at least kiss her so they break up. At that point I'm just saying "This is stupid. WTF, Are we 15?" I mean, I'm (we're) 21 so I'm by no means the sage of wisdom and maturity, but holy fuck what is that plan. Anyway, fast forward a couple of hours and we are a little drunk (not much), so me and this girl start talking alone and we start talking about his boyfriend. She says she is "sacrificing her happiness to make him happy," she makes it clear that there are bad things but not everything is bad and he was his first and brings stability and blablabla, but she had thought about leaving but she hasn't been able. Eventually she falls asleep because apparently (something I didn't know) she had only went to like one party before in her entire life and had never drank "this much" (we were all “fine” except for her). Through our conversation we held hands, hugged, she put her head on my shoulders that kind of stuff. When she resurrected 3 hours later probably less drunk she still did it but it was late and I took everyone home and got back to my house, so nothing else happened. The next day my friend says that she told her girlfriend good things about me, she used a word though that could mean Good-hearted person/kind or pretty/handsome depending on the context. He tells me that I should try to make something happen, not only for her and the dumb plan but for me because of a thing that happened with a girl like a month ago that I also shared here. Which is where I'm today. I still think the plan is shit. I know the most that could happen is something not very serious (which...maybe i'd be fine with) because there's basically 0 chance of her dating me even if she likes me or/and leaves his boyfriend because one does not simply leave a 2 year relationship and starts dating at the next day. But at the same time, maybe it was because I was a little drunk, but I did like her, she is pretty and fun and she did say she wasn't all that happy... Apparently, I'll be seeing her a lot in the following weeks starting this Friday, and I did chat a little with her through whatsapp but I'm not sure how to handle this. Should I try something? Should I treat her as a friend? It looks like whatever the case she'll be joining our group of friends (at least until my friend and his girlfriend break up lol) So I'm not sure. I did like her...but it makes no sense... So I'm basically here asking you to tell me how stupid my friends are and how stupid I am for even considering this. Your friends are quite stupid and you're less stupid for not immediately being involved but you can be stupid-free by following DPB's infinite wisdom. Good advice in general; rise above it. Stupid scheming is NEVER a good idea to be a part of. Plus, someone whos in a relationship out of some weird self-sacrifice isn't the best person to be in a relationship with. Breeds dishonesty, breeds resentment, breeds the bad stuff. | ||
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