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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On December 04 2013 01:59 dravernor wrote:
If she wasn't comfortable with the idea of possibly having sex with you, she would have left when her headache started. Also, 2AM is no early hour. If she wasn't interested to some degree she'd have left. So all in all, positive vibes mean she'll most likely accept a second date if you ask her on one. Keep it a casual, social situation though, so that she doesn't have to feel pressured into thinking it's a date date. Something like going to a fair or a theatre etc. If she wants to continue the interaction on a more personal level afterwards she'll let you know.
Edit: while I'm here, thoughts on long distance dating?
Utter hell. But worth it if you are in a longterm stable relationship and it's for a determined amount of time.
Also, how long a distance is long distance? Are we talking a distance where you work in different cities, but can see each other each weekend? Different areas and you have to catch a cheap flight / long distance bus and can see each other once a month? Or different sides of the country / different continents and you're limited to longer holidays?
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It's a defense mechanism used by people who are insecure that they've only slept with a number they perceive to be low. That's the only people who ever spit out that nonsense. People who are not sociopaths don't sleep with people, hit some arbitrary numbers and just view everything as vaginas with legs.
The only thing being intimate does is make you more picky because it makes you realize you will always have numerous options, and people are all wildly different. You realize you don't have to settle. This is quite the opposite of a bad thing.
That being said, turning down a one night stand because you don't enjoy that is fine. Doing it because your dumb friend said it will desensitize you is silly. Don't let other people judge you like that.
Long distance depends on what you define as long distance. The furthest I'd probably go when I first start dating is maybe 30-45 min. Even then, that's a pain in the ass. I could only do anything longer if we were dating seriously for over a year, and I saw something long term out of it.
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Kind of funny that said buddies statement results in you being intimate with less girls which results in less emotional connections with girls. Unless you're really not into it there is no reason to rob yourself from sex -> emotional connection and exclusively focus on emotional connection -> sex.
Not like it's that straightforward in the first place. =P
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On December 04 2013 03:07 r.Evo wrote:
Kind of funny that said buddies statement results in you being intimate with less girls which results in less emotional connections with girls.
Exactly!
That's nothing more than a statement from a dude jealous that he doesn't have women wanting to have casual sex from him. Decide on your own merits whether or not you enjoy that. Don't let others, esp friends, dictate that
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Netherlands6192 Posts
No specific type of long distance, I'm just asking in general what your boundaries are and whether you think it is worthwhile etc.
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On December 04 2013 01:59 dravernor wrote:
If she wasn't comfortable with the idea of possibly having sex with you, she would have left when her headache started. Also, 2AM is no early hour. If she wasn't interested to some degree she'd have left. So all in all, positive vibes mean she'll most likely accept a second date if you ask her on one. Keep it a casual, social situation though, so that she doesn't have to feel pressured into thinking it's a date date. Something like going to a fair or a theatre etc. If she wants to continue the interaction on a more personal level afterwards she'll let you know.
Edit: while I'm here, thoughts on long distance dating?
Long distance:
Cross country (or needing a plane), forget it.
Below 2hours it's okay, maybe not for a very long time but I see no problem in that. Hell some people have 2hours of commuting.
Above 2 hours, unless there is a reason to travel often to said place. No.
Sleeping over (for the week end) is a requirement.
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I would agree with that buddy though. I think that sleeping with a lot of women you dont love will have an influence on you. I think you dont bond as deeply in an actual relationship or it takes longer to do so. Thats why I think people have so many different partners nowadays and there are so many break ups and divorces. I do not have any science for this, its just what I think. I personally would never do onenightstands and I have declined a lot of opportunities (plus I have been in a relationship for a few years now). That obviously does not mean I would judge anyone who acts differently, all I am saying is that the opinion of this buddy should be accepted and not put away as if it came from some jealous idiot..
Also Hawk, please dont take it too personally, but I would refrain from posting as if you were Mr.experience if I were your age. Please keep sharing your opinion and I think you do that very well, but stop this "you have to do it like this/ what you think is completely wrong/ what I say is the truth for everyone".
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30-45min is the max I'm traveling when I first start dating. If I'm dating for a while and it's serious, it can be longer so long as there is a definitely plan in place for when that's ending. Open ended long distance is a waste of time.
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On December 04 2013 03:36 Kleinmuuhg wrote:
I would agree with that buddy though. I think that sleeping with a lot of women you dont love will have an influence on you. I think you dont bond as deeply in an actual relationship or it takes longer to do so. Thats why I think people have so many different partners nowadays and there are so many break ups and divorces. I do not have any science for this, its just what I think. I personally would never do onenightstands and I have declined a lot of opportunities (plus I have been in a relationship for a few years now). That obviously does not mean I would judge anyone who acts differently, all I am saying is that the opinion of this buddy should be accepted and not put away as if it came from some jealous idiot..
For me personally (and for about 80% of the people I know who did similar stuff) it had zero negative effect on "emotional bonding". The contrary actually. I have seen so many characters, so many strengths and weaknesses, I have bonded with so many people that new relationships tend to develop very deep and very quickly if I'd like to see it go that way.
Experience means it's a lot easier to see the small things that people with less experience brush over or ignore at first. "Yo if you sleep with lots of women it will mean you will have trouble bonding emotionally!" is the statement of either a jealous idiot or someone with lots of bad experience.
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Obviously yes I was talking as if there was already a relationship. No way I'm going to travel 2hours for a date lol. 30-45min is the time it takes me to go downtown so yeah that is good time frame I guess.
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On December 04 2013 03:48 r.Evo wrote:Show nested quote +On December 04 2013 03:36 Kleinmuuhg wrote:
I would agree with that buddy though. I think that sleeping with a lot of women you dont love will have an influence on you. I think you dont bond as deeply in an actual relationship or it takes longer to do so. Thats why I think people have so many different partners nowadays and there are so many break ups and divorces. I do not have any science for this, its just what I think. I personally would never do onenightstands and I have declined a lot of opportunities (plus I have been in a relationship for a few years now). That obviously does not mean I would judge anyone who acts differently, all I am saying is that the opinion of this buddy should be accepted and not put away as if it came from some jealous idiot.. For me personally (and for about 80% of the people I know who did similar stuff) it had zero negative effect on "emotional bonding". The contrary actually. I have seen so many characters, so many strengths and weaknesses, I have bonded with so many people that new relationships tend to develop very deep and very quickly if I'd like to see it go that way. Experience means it's a lot easier to see the small things that people with less experience brush over or ignore at first. "Yo if you sleep with lots of women it will mean you will have trouble bonding emotionally!" is the statement of either a jealous idiot or someone with lots of bad experience.
well i wouldnt say you have trouble bonding, but maybe the bonding is different, not as deep perhaps, as being intimate is not as special. I can understand where you are coming from though. Just out of curiosity, what is with the other 20%?
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On December 04 2013 03:36 Kleinmuuhg wrote:
I would agree with that buddy though. I think that sleeping with a lot of women you dont love will have an influence on you. I think you dont bond as deeply in an actual relationship or it takes longer to do so. Thats why I think people have so many different partners nowadays and there are so many break ups and divorces.
So every woman you slept with you were dating exclusively and in love with them before you actually had sex with them?
If so, how exactly could you comment on how doing the opposite affects your relationship without actually having experienced these things?
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How do you guys deal with a girl that makes you feel like the dating phase is moving at a really slow pace?
The setup is: met this girl through online dating. We started to talk a bit, exchanged 10 or so emails back and forth, she seemed like someone I'd like to date (cute in my book and quite clever) so I asked her for a first meet up which she accepted. We had a beer in a nice bar downtown and spent about 2-3 hours talking and both seemed to enjoy ourselves. That was a bit more than a week ago. We agreed on a second date which could not happen until last Sunday.
She suggested we go to our city's aquarium which was ok and we ended up drinking a nice hot chocolate in another bar downtown. Once again, I had fun and she seemed to enjoy herself. I also started to try to flirt a bit but with very little success. I remember her mentioning she had a pain somewhere in the back, said to her jokingly that I make very good massages, to which she replayed with a smile something along the line of "clever boy, aren't you? Nice try" and then moved on. I'm still fine at that point.
So yesterday, I asked her if she wants to do something this week, she replied, "yeah, why not tonight" and we agreed to watch a movie at her place. During the movie (something funny), she was clearly keeping her distances on the couch. Not too obvious but still and I'm starting to wonder what is up. End of the movie, I still have an hour left before grabbing my bus so we spend some time talking. I'm cold and I see a blanket near me, put it on us both and use that opportunity to get a lot closer to her and I'm greeted with the exact same "clever boy, aren't you". I replied "Do you blame me for trying?" and she once again closed the discussion with a "I guess it's part of the game".
The only other "hint" I can remember of was her mentioning being messy with her place followed by a "I'd better warn you before…".
And I left with a kiss on the cheek (which in France, is totally normal, we never hug).
Sooooo…. Am I just wayyyy overthinking it? Maybe she just needs a lot of time but seriously, I'm starting to question myself at that point… I mean, she would just cut things loose if she was not interested right?
Is it a good idea to just be upfront about it with her? Like call her and ask?
Another important element in that story, at least in my eyes is that she a going on a one month vacation in Argentina in about a week and a half (she's going alone, sort of a challenge she set up for herself). I feel like I absolutely need to "conclude" something before she goes…
Oh btw, we're both 25, so we've both had our own experiences before. I'm just really not used to that kind of super slow pace…
And this post as gone way longer than I expected  Any advice appreciated!
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Some people just move slow, are more conservative or whatever. It's up to you to decide if you wanna play that game. Just know she's most likely not going to morph into a different person if you start dating exclusively. And personally, if I was just starting to date someone and their personality changed after we became exclusive, I'd take it as a red flag
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On December 04 2013 04:00 QuanticHawk wrote:Show nested quote +On December 04 2013 03:36 Kleinmuuhg wrote:
I would agree with that buddy though. I think that sleeping with a lot of women you dont love will have an influence on you. I think you dont bond as deeply in an actual relationship or it takes longer to do so. Thats why I think people have so many different partners nowadays and there are so many break ups and divorces.
So every woman you slept with you were dating exclusively and in love with them before you actually had sex with them? If so, how exactly could you comment on how doing the opposite affects your relationship without actually having experienced these things?
Concerning your first question: Yes
As I said it is just my opinion and I have formed it in a lot of discussions based on the personal experiences from my friends, who have lived very different lives, and myself.
I like how you ignored most of what I said and acted like I was pretending to hold the truth, when in fact I was just stating my opinion and trying to reason that there is more than one way to approach this topic.
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Generally, for someone to consider your opinion to be a worthwhile addition to the discussion, you'd have to have some experience behind your reasoning, not just 'someone told me so'
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On December 04 2013 04:31 QuanticHawk wrote:
Generally, for someone to consider your opinion to be a worthwhile addition to the discussion, you'd have to have some experience behind your reasoning, not just 'someone told me so'
I formed the opinion myself, I didnt adept it from someone else. And following your argument you yourself would most likely need to stop posting here altogether.
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'I have no experience in X, but here are my opinions about how people who do X are emotionally impacted by their choices'
If you have no experience in the matter, why exactly would anyone consider your opinion to be something other than judgy, douchy and baseless?
'Listen mechanic, I've never swapped out an engine, but this is definitely how you do it'
You really don't grasp why your comments aren't well received?
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Norway28780 Posts
it's fine to not have sex with lots of girls. It's also fine to have sex with lots of girls. I think normally the guys who have lots of sex with different girls who they regard as conquests (and I agree you don't want to turn into one of those "keep numbers or trophies" jackasses) were often emotionally detached from the get go. I know several guys who have had lots of sex with lots of different girls who have normal healthy relationships with women, and I guess I know one guy who has had lots of sex with lots of different girls who don't have normal healthy relationships with women at all. But that guy was like that before he started having sex with lots of women.
I think mentalizor's experience sounded like a sweet evening and one that's likely to lead to them having sex in the future. No biggie that it didn't happen yet. maybe next time, or the one after that. It's actually pretty awesome to just kiss, talk and spoon.
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On December 04 2013 04:42 QuanticHawk wrote:
'I have no experience in X, but here are my opinions about how people who do X are emotionally impacted by their choices'
If you have no experience in the matter, why exactly would anyone consider your opinion to be something other than judgy, douchy and baseless?
'Listen mechanic, I've never swapped out an engine, but this is definitely how you do it'
You really don't grasp why your comments aren't well received?
Okay let me use your example:
You have seen a car in an advertisement and now you say : "I am a mechanic and everyone needs to swap engines this way."
I come along, as a person who has never swapped an engine that way, but have friends who talked to me about how they used that method and we have discussions on how to swap it. Also I am fairly knowledgeable in the other parts of automotive engineering. Therefore I say:
"It is fine to swap the engine the way you do it, but I think there is another way of doing so and there are people who prefer that way, as it may be better for their type of cars. Swapping engines the way you suggest could have influences on the performance of the car. I do not know this for certain, it is just what I think and I have close friends whose cars have broken down."
Now you start throwing monkey wrenches at me and shout: " STOP TELLING ME HOW TO CHANGE MY ENGINE."
Finally understood?
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