EPTDating: How's your luck? - Page 319
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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on. Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments. Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. | ||
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babylon
8765 Posts
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sam!zdat
United States5559 Posts
On November 17 2013 11:30 babylon wrote: Have you thought about changing your approach? I won't pretend to have been privy to any of your RL conversations, but I hope you don't just talk straight on about classical Chinese philosophy and economic history but actually try to connect those topics to other peoples' interests as well. lol I'm giving the wrong impression. that is not what we talked about. I'm capable of having a normal conversation  Actually I am a good conversationalist. But sometimes there are things that the conversation leads to, where it would make sense to talk about stuff like that, and I want somebody who can go back and forth between those kinds of topics and more quotidian things rather than just sticking to the quotidianwe're focusing too much on this stuff which is not really the main complaint but only a very minor one, because in terms of the normal girls you would meet she is way more interesting than just about anybody. The main problem is that her narrative about why she has social problems is that it is caused by her being too smart and pretty, which is probably true on some level, but she is blinded by framing all of her problems in terms of her strengths instead of thinking about how she might be causing problems for herself in other ways. She is very anxious and somewhat manipulative but she frames it all in terms of how other people are threatened by her and how they manipulate her... She's a little nuts which I like but I'm just wondering if it's the right kind of nuts... I'm not sure I can explain exactly... | ||
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babylon
8765 Posts
The main problem is that her narrative about why she has social problems is that it is caused by her being too smart and pretty, which is probably true on some level, but she is blinded by framing all of her problems in terms of her strengths instead of thinking about how she might be causing problems for herself in other ways. She is very anxious and somewhat manipulative but she frames it all in terms of how other people are threatened by her and how they manipulate her... Oh, yeah, that is actually very unappealing, esp. if she's not being lighthearted about it. Any possibility she was just joking about it? Would you consider her "self-aware"? (Probably not, given your description.) I'd say, yeah, first meeting, you should probably get to know her better, but if you corroborate any of those things, don't get involved with her. Those aren't just "turn-off, self-absorbed" character traits, those are "that's flat-out bad for a relationship" character traits (e.g. always assigning the blame to other people, etc.). | ||
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WombaT
Northern Ireland26225 Posts
That notwithstanding, I kind of felt 'personal compatibility' > sharing specific interests, yeah on paper we don't tend to like much of the same stuff, but are quite similar mentality wise and all that. I had a thing for a girl who initially did a few minor things that I found irritating, and my friends told me I was just being picky for the sake of it. In the end she was a total dick and with the benefit of hindsight those small warning flags I got were pretty consistent with her later behaviour. You can't help what's a turnoff, in your case it's lacking a conversational grasp of certain topics that others see as esoteric, in my case it's things like girls who continuously look at smartphones, girls who buy those godawful celebrity gossip magazines and women who follow reality shows. They're pretty much a deal-breaker for me regardless of other factors, so I guess I'm kind of like you in that sense mr !zdat. Also, WARNING, GENERALISATION MODE ENTERED I find on average girls don't have the same kind of interest in more solitary pursuits that us menfolk do. I don't know what you'd call it, I guess they seem to not have as many 'intellectual' hobbies as guys. Sure I know plenty who will say that they go to the gym, or play a sport or what have you but to me that's not the kind of thing I mean. Their conversational topics are a bit more about personal relationships with other people, which I find boring as hell oftentimes. It's kind of sad really going through school, lots of girls I knew used to do things and gradually just stopped for whatever reasons. | ||
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IgnE
United States7681 Posts
On November 17 2013 13:44 Wombat_NI wrote: Sam you sound like me before I impregnated my lady and all that child-induced dopamine softened many of my edges. That notwithstanding, I kind of felt 'personal compatibility' > sharing specific interests, yeah on paper we don't tend to like much of the same stuff, but are quite similar mentality wise and all that. I had a thing for a girl who initially did a few minor things that I found irritating, and my friends told me I was just being picky for the sake of it. In the end she was a total dick and with the benefit of hindsight those small warning flags I got were pretty consistent with her later behaviour. You can't help what's a turnoff, in your case it's lacking a conversational grasp of certain topics that others see as esoteric, in my case it's things like girls who continuously look at smartphones, girls who buy those godawful celebrity gossip magazines and women who follow reality shows. They're pretty much a deal-breaker for me regardless of other factors, so I guess I'm kind of like you in that sense mr !zdat. Also, WARNING, GENERALISATION MODE ENTERED I find on average girls don't have the same kind of interest in more solitary pursuits that us menfolk do. I don't know what you'd call it, I guess they seem to not have as many 'intellectual' hobbies as guys. Sure I know plenty who will say that they go to the gym, or play a sport or what have you but to me that's not the kind of thing I mean. Their conversational topics are a bit more about personal relationships with other people, which I find boring as hell oftentimes. It's kind of sad really going through school, lots of girls I knew used to do things and gradually just stopped for whatever reasons. corresponding drop in testosterone as a dad in an ltr that softened your edges | ||
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sam!zdat
United States5559 Posts
On November 17 2013 12:10 babylon wrote: Would you consider her "self-aware"? Yes and no. She is self-aware at one level, but that self-awareness is in itself a bit crazy. I'm not really too crazy about her. I'd go hiking with her though. If she pursues me I'd fuck her but I'm not going to put that much effort into it I think, and keep looking :D | ||
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Orcasgt24
Canada3238 Posts
This chick better have been hospitalized for me to forgive her for standing me up. Just to hear what the excuse is, is the only reason I'll talk to her again. | ||
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r.Evo
Germany14080 Posts
In my experience if they want to flake you give them better opportunities to do so this way and you both safe each others time but you're also making a flake less likely in general. I don't think it ever happened to me that she just didn't show up when we were still joking around via text or talking 5-10h beforehand. | ||
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Orcasgt24
Canada3238 Posts
On November 17 2013 17:17 r.Evo wrote: In those scenarios I'd always try to keep comfort high by just doing small talk via text or phone after setting the initial date, even if we're just talking 24h or so. How much obviously depends on how long you're not seeing each other. In my experience if they want to flake you give them better opportunities to do so this way and you both safe each others time but you're also making a flake less likely in general. I don't think it ever happened to me that she just didn't show up when we were still joking around via text or talking 5-10h beforehand. I don't know the term flaked. Whats it mean? I do agree, we could have talked a little more before hand. There was a little less then 2 days between ask and date time. I did text with her earlier in the day but it only a few messages each | ||
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Danglars
United States12133 Posts
The relationship never really got started. Her heightened expressions of interest faded, and from third parties I heard that she had a lot on her plate right now. Not the least bit was caring for an ailing relative and trying to finish a college degree. I don't know if I'd ever enjoy talking Chinese philosophy with anyone, though maybe economic history. I do know I want to find another girl like her if possible. | ||
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sluggaslamoo
Australia4494 Posts
On November 17 2013 17:12 Orcasgt24 wrote: I got asked out on a date for dinner and a movie, sort of. I was talking to a girl that comes to my work and she was not so subtle in hinting she'd like a dinner/movie date so I asked her out. We were going to meet at the restaurant at 7pm. So I get there at 6:50ish and she's not there. Whatever no big deal, I'm early. 7:15 comes along and I call her see where she is. No answer. End up waiting around until 7:30 then went home. This chick better have been hospitalized for me to forgive her for standing me up. Just to hear what the excuse is, is the only reason I'll talk to her again. IMO always chat to her on the day of the occasion, a lot of girls are flaky, and if you talk to her on the day you will get a good idea about how her mood is. If you get the hint that shes not really up for it, make other plans or re-schedule. Any girl that flakes I delete their number and forget about them. I've learned my lesson from dealing with flaky girls, they would flake a date with Brad Pitt if they weren't in the perfect mood on the day, just huge time wasters. Luckily I've never been stood up though, that would suck more than a normal flake. If you can, organise two dates for the same time (2 different girls). That way if you get a flake you won't feel bummed, and you can always cancel one of them if they are both keen. On November 17 2013 17:27 Danglars wrote: The last girl I asked on a date was an avid reader. She read greek literature, did a solid 2-3 books a week, and preferred reading to watching TV. Going into relationships, there has to be that spark ... which is usually some combination of physical attraction and something about the expressions (you know, femininity). She had that in full AND the reading was a big turn on. I know by now that high interest in celebrity gossip or modern sitcoms is a big turn-off. The relationship never really got started. Her heightened expressions of interest faded, and from third parties I heard that she had a lot on her plate right now. Not the least bit was caring for an ailing relative and trying to finish a college degree. I don't know if I'd ever enjoy talking Chinese philosophy with anyone, though maybe economic history. I do know I want to find another girl like her if possible. Its important to recognise that girls still have hormones which follow a particular but predictable pattern  . There's always 2 reasons her interest faded, one is she found you boring, but the other one could be that she was high on an epic hormone cocktail at the time and shes now hitting her low. Anyways just keep going with it, it really doesn't mean much until you find out it was actually reason #1 rather than #2. Also its weird, sometimes I will have opposing beliefs with a girl, but if you really stand up for those beliefs (in the right way) they often will actually find it attractive. I've found that finding things in common is overrated because it has nothing to do with what makes you attractive to them. Pretty much whenever a girl tells me to do something, I jokingly tell them no, and they giggle and carry on, because they know if they push me I will just leave them and they actually like that the guy is in control. As long as your stable and you have a powerful/confident/loyal "aura" about you and a unwavering positive outlook, I find that is really all you need. | ||
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SixStrings
Germany2046 Posts
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Aeroplaneoverthesea
United Kingdom1977 Posts
Me and everyone I know gets the number then just starts texting her for a day or so, then you ask her out then keep texting until the day of the date. It lets her know you're not weird and means you can get to know each other better so she has a connection to you and will actually show up and so you don't say something dumb and put your foot in it on the day of the date. I assume everyone plays it this way? | ||
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SixStrings
Germany2046 Posts
To be honest, I'd rather have a girls unshared attention for a couple of minutes a day, rather than constantly getting texted throughout the day. | ||
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Najda
United States3765 Posts
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dravernor
Netherlands6191 Posts
On November 18 2013 01:42 Najda wrote: Do you guys have any recommondations for taking a picture of myself to use for online dating/tinder? Meh. I'm not someone to advocate online dating sites, but I guess just try to get a good angle and look happy. Looking like you are enjoying yourself or happy or in a good mood is far more attractive than a standard bathroom mirror selfie flexing your biceps. | ||
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Najda
United States3765 Posts
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Aeroplaneoverthesea
United Kingdom1977 Posts
You want lots of pictures in different settings. If you have any pictures of yourself on nights out or other things like that especially with female friends (or guy friends if you don't have any with women) then use those. And obviously just play to your positives. If you're fat use pics where you're sat down or that are your face. If you're ripped as fuck then wear a t shirt or vest etc... Imo though hookup sites are better than online dating sites. It's way too easy to waste loads of money taking girls out you met online who you have no chemistry with but cost you £50+ in drinks and dinner. | ||
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SixStrings
Germany2046 Posts
My idea was just to photograph myself with a random counter while I'm playing some tunes, because that's where I feel most at home, but the notion of uploading a photo like that seems just so cheesy. The thought someone walking in on me while I'm prepping a photograph like that is more than mortifying... I'm also not sure if it might not be more prudent to not use a picture at all. It says on OkC that you're 8x as likely to be approached when you have a picture, but that number doesn't distinguish betwixt girls and men and when there's people who get 100x the attention due to their picture, there also have to be people who would be fine without one but don't stand a chance with one. On November 18 2013 02:23 Najda wrote: I don't really like it either, but short of approaching random people it's my only option. Looks like we're in a similar position. I don't want to approach girls from my uni, and the girls at my job are rather stuck up, so I just made a habit of talking to random strangers. Since May that yielded me one lay and two terrible 'dates', but your mileage might be better if you're better looking and less awkward. | ||
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Merany
France890 Posts
On November 18 2013 01:42 Najda wrote: Do you guys have any recommondations for taking a picture of myself to use for online dating/tinder? My best advice would be: ask help from someone else! If you have good friends (that you know won't make fun of you) with a good camera, you can ask them during a party for example and be specific about not wanting to look like you're super drunk  I also got a couple good shots last summer when I was visiting New-York with my family. Top of the empire state building with good light / view, I thought it looked great! | ||
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