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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
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Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
Just because you are jealous now doesn't mean you always will be. It likely stems from your lack of confidence in your relationships, which could also mean you aren't confident with yourself. Just realize that anyone who likes you, whether it's romantically or platonic, likes you because you act the way you do (assuming you haven't been fake around them).
Also I think it's totally normal, if not expected, for a 22 yr old with no relationship expirience to feel jealousy. Your life so far has been a pattern of girls not liking you or picking other guys or whatever it may be, so a girl suddenly taking interest is a break in the pattern that you have to adjust to. You probably still fear he not liking you or going with some other guy, because that's what you are used to. Once you have more expirience and confidence in yourself that will begin to fade.
Specific advice for your situation, don't give her any ultimatum like "well do you like me or not?" Instead, just assume she likes you and continue from there. Have fun and be yourself while hanging out but don't put emphasis on your insecurities.
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On November 15 2013 16:51 MysteryMeat1 wrote:
@lannisport
I meet girls anywhere and everywhere except at work or online dating sites. I don't like to shit where i work. If a girl interests you than you should just go talk to her.
I'm dating a girl I work with now.
Will update if I begin to find shit where I work.
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1019 Posts
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Netherlands6182 Posts
On November 16 2013 00:33 white_horse wrote:
I'm agreeing with you on this. It is a very unattractive quality. In my case the jealousy only showed itself after we started dating, so there was no way to know before hand. Kinda weird since we had known each other several months. I'm startig to wonder if I cause the jealousy. Anyway, whatever. As I said, I'll never date another jealous person. In my opinion a balanced relationship revolves around a couple trusting each other and being able to do things and have other interests outside of each other. Most importantly a couple should be friends ahead of lovers.
Doubt many people will agree with me on it, but that is my priority.
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jealousy and insecurity is stupid, and showcasing it after you've kissed on one date is all sorts of screwed up.
plus side is the first girl you've gone out with even though you're 22, so you're doing shit that most people did in their teenage years before they grew out of it. just recoginize it's dumb as hell and totally unattractive to people who arent immature or total messes
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I'm sure MightyBill will be along shortly to tell us all how jealousy and insecurity all the hallmarks of a real man.
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On November 16 2013 02:28 Aeroplaneoverthesea wrote:
I'm sure MightyBill will be along shortly to tell us all how jealousy and insecurity all the hallmarks of a real man.
He wasn't saying it's a trait to be desired in all men, but rather if it's a part of you then just own up to it and move on. You said he was an awful person for feeling jealousy.
If he were acting possessive and not allowing her to see other people then I would definitely agree that he is overstepping his boundaries, but if he keeps it to himself and is working on it then it's alright in my eyes.
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All right all right, you should really hop off this "omfg u r jealous pls die"-train because you don't even understand what I'm talking about - which is good, because it means one less personal flaw in you, but please, stop over-dramatizing it. You speak like I'm following her home, or I want to sabotage what she likes, or whatever, jesus, just stop it! Yes, I'm jealous, and no, I'm not jealous - if you understood this sentence, you know exactly what I meant, if not, then don't even bother, because you are missing the point. I even said myself it's not important
On November 15 2013 23:43 Najda wrote:
Specific advice for your situation, don't give her any ultimatum like "well do you like me or not?" Instead, just assume she likes you and continue from there. Have fun and be yourself while hanging out but don't put emphasis on your insecurities.
Thanks, I think I'll do just that!
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no one told you to pls die. they're just correctly telling you that jealously, particularly early on over stupid shit like that, is immature and a fast track to torpedoing your chances. youre just getting all bent out of shape because people are telling you it is stupid and something you need to work on. it's a problem with you; not her
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On November 16 2013 02:46 QuanticHawk wrote:
no one told you to pls die. they're just correctly telling you that jealously, particularly early on over stupid shit like that, is immature and a fast track to torpedoing your chances. youre just getting all bent out of shape because people are telling you it is stupid and something you need to work on. it's a problem with you; not her
But what you don't get, is that it's not something I decide. I can decide if I really want to be jealous of someone, but I can't stop that troubling feeling I get when she talks about something like that. That's all. Like when you hear a song: you like it or not, easy as that.
I feel down, but it has absolutely 0,0000000 connection to any kind of jealousy; I feel down because I'm not sure about how she feels or what is the meaning behind some of her stuff. It might be nothing, it might be something I don't get because I don'T understand women's mind, who knows.
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On November 15 2013 23:43 Najda wrote:
Just because you are jealous now doesn't mean you always will be. It likely stems from your lack of confidence in your relationships, which could also mean you aren't confident with yourself. Just realize that anyone who likes you, whether it's romantically or platonic, likes you because you act the way you do (assuming you haven't been fake around them).
Also I think it's totally normal, if not expected, for a 22 yr old with no relationship expirience to feel jealousy. Your life so far has been a pattern of girls not liking you or picking other guys or whatever it may be, so a girl suddenly taking interest is a break in the pattern that you have to adjust to. You probably still fear he not liking you or going with some other guy, because that's what you are used to. Once you have more expirience and confidence in yourself that will begin to fade.
Specific advice for your situation, don't give her any ultimatum like "well do you like me or not?" Instead, just assume she likes you and continue from there. Have fun and be yourself while hanging out but don't put emphasis on your insecurities.
Haven't been on tl.net for a while and just randomly stumbeling on this I just had to log in and say thank for those words! Gold right here.
It kinda applies to me, too. Have been the single independant kind of guy for way too long I found myself suddenly with someone I started to care about very strongly and that forced (or forces me still) to face a lot of burrowed insecurity's that I managed to burrow in being casual in the past. This also including jealously as one of the longer lasting things in my mind, since we both come from different backgrounds and feelings towards things like time management, stress level and communication. So for me, being one of those guys that is trained (including my carerr and free time) to be accessable at almost all times for communication there is her being very tech-lazy and learning/career focused and also often in labs or the like, which breeds lots of times were I in fact can't reach her no matter what. So there are days I can hardly tell what she is up to. This and having a lot of friends I haven not yet met is bad breeding ground for jealousy. But you are right, time will make that fade and increase trust, which is needed mainly in myself and realizing of how many good things you are capable of yourself (meaning you being the most amazing guy for her for reasons you might not aware of yet).
Luckily she seems to have had bad experiences herself and so every small step is a bloom we both equally enjoy 
So thank you for those words that enlightened my day and good advice to OP
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On November 16 2013 02:53 Volband wrote:Show nested quote +On November 16 2013 02:46 QuanticHawk wrote:
no one told you to pls die. they're just correctly telling you that jealously, particularly early on over stupid shit like that, is immature and a fast track to torpedoing your chances. youre just getting all bent out of shape because people are telling you it is stupid and something you need to work on. it's a problem with you; not her But what you don't get, is that it's not something I decide. I can decide if I really want to be jealous of someone, but I can't stop that troubling feeling I get when she talks about something like that. That's all. Like when you hear a song: you like it or not, easy as that. I feel down, but it has absolutely 0,0000000 connection to any kind of jealousy; I feel down because I'm not sure about how she feels or what is the meaning behind some of her stuff. It might be nothing, it might be something I don't get because I don'T understand women's mind, who knows.
You're afraid of losing her. Afraid of losing something you can never possess in the first place. That troubling feeling, in connection with specific people, is usually called jealousy.
On top of that you didn't arrive at those feelings after years of investing into a loving and caring relationship, you arrived there after... less than a week. It's immature as fuck, overly possessive and is in no way related to "what might be going on in her mind".
No one said that it's unnatural and no one mentioned that you need to get rid of it right now because you're an awful human being. The gist of this should be that you should be aware of your own mess that you will need to deal with eventually. She's annoyed by you being jealous and annoyed by you being clingy. That's why she's acting so "weird".
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^
What i do in these situations where I feel myself falling into the jealousy trap, is take a few deep breaths, rationalize that i actually am a needy and jealous person right now, punch a few pillows, and tell myself: If I am good, she will come back. To be good, find more girls, and realize... shes just another girl.
At this point, I calm back down and focus on my goal to be a better man.
*Mileage may vary. Effects of alcohol may produce unexpected behavior, including making a string of drunk calls/text and demanding answers from said girl (which is obvi bad).
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On November 16 2013 09:51 Chemist391 wrote:
Well, she had handcuffs in her purse.
Not bad.
That's the sign of a winner. Swing batter batter
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sometimes people are just a little too interested in themselves 
edit: would you guys go on a second date with someone you had a nice time with but have reservations about?
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Never get your Honey where you get your Money
Don't shit where you eat (do not pursue sex with employees of places you eat/drink)
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Met a girl on monday (from same university), made her feel desirable and gave her so much attention she couldnt resist me by 1 bit by friday I feel happy.
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What's the etiquette on talking to girls on public transport?
I once said "It's a shame that nobody talks on busses." as an opening, and we talked for had a nice chat for five minutes.
Another time, in a very crowded tram, I said to a girl: "Feels like we're driving straight to Auschwitz, doesn't it?" That wasn't as well received.
Do you think it's generally against some unwritten law to talk to strangers on public transport?
Would it in any way be excusable to just give stranger you number in that situation?
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On November 17 2013 04:53 sam!zdat wrote:sometimes people are just a little too interested in themselves edit: would you guys go on a second date with someone you had a nice time with but have reservations about?
Have you ever been on a date and felt like you misrepresented who you are during that brief period in time?
And on another note, do you have anything better to do?
EDIT - as for public transportation, I've dated a couple of girls I met randomly at bus stations before. Just try to strike up a conversation and see where it goes from there, what's the worst that could happen?
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EPT
