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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On June 19 2013 22:52 Cynry wrote:
Now after years of working on myself (and not with the purpose of overcoming shyness, as I believed I was introverted), I discovered that I was far from the truth. I can engage conversation easily and make complete strangers laugh. It's not quite set yet, and I have still some work to do about it, but still.
How exactly did you "work on yourself"? Did you seek professional help or did you follow some practice routine or something? Just out of curiosity, I'm kind of working on the same issue.
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Something's happened recently that really surprises and pleases me.
A few weeks back, I started dating a very good friend I've had for years. We started to pick something up a few months previously (all the way back in January), but that fell through because she was dating another friend of mine, and I canceled because I didn't want that particular conflict. It wasn't worth it to me.
Anyhow, they broke up within about a month, I believe? I didn't know until almost the close of the semester, didn't take her out on a date until after my HS graduation.
How it ended up happening was that I invited my "group" ─ which is about 5-6 people depending on if you include me and/or another guy who isn't around as often ─ to a movie. It was the new Star Trek. She's a part of the "group", and has been for years. We ended up sitting next to one another since the other part of the group brought their current significant others.
I've been interested in this girl for a long time. Since then, I've taken her out on a real "date" and we've escalated rather quickly. We spend some time together almost every day. She's taking summer classes, I'm working on my home (since I'll be there with my parents for a couple of years to 'nab my associates degree) which needs serious renovations, and I'm also getting a job soon.
Anyway... To get to my point: she has told me explicitly that she wants sex after she gets back from a trip to the northern part of the state. My reaction to it doesn't matter (I pretty much agreed right out, because, why the heck not?)
However, now I'm having second thoughts. This relationship I have with her is something I want to have work long-term. I'm introverted (that is, I charge my emotional/social battery by being alone), and communicative. We've already had a declaration of love for one another, which is extraordinarily quick in my opinion, but I let it slide because we've been friends for a long time.
Should I escalate that with her this soon?
I'm not a virgin, I haven't been for years. I've lacked interest in it as this sort of "goal" line. By the same token, I haven't had a significant relationship for years, despite how hard I've tried. This relationship I have with her now is serendipity.
I'm also not happy at home, and she's admittedly the happiest thing for me right now. My parents are... sluggish. My home hasn't been presentable for a decade and change. I can say that we're finally FINALLY renovating it this summer, and it might/should be at least barely presentable by July.
I spend a lot of time with her. I'm not the most confident person in the world. I'm honestly, seriously, truly, worried about having sex with her. After that, what can I give her? I can't keep spending hours out of every one of my days with her ─ it's already drained me a little bit, since I never really get a chance to be alone like I know I need to be as an introvert. (To clarify, every other hour I spend awake is typically spent working alongside my father, cleaning and preparing to make major improvements.)
I want this to last. I really do believe that I love her, but I understand intellectually that it's possibly just my hormones driving me up a wall. Sex isn't a goal for me: I can wait for the right moment. I'm just afraid that after we have sex, it'll be the beginning of the end.
And before anyone points out the irony of my worrying about sex cuing the end of a relationship, I do realize the irony. I've laughed a good long while about it.
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What exactly is your fear of having sex with her?
Either
1. It opens up your eyes to the fact that your connection isn't that strong if one of you starts to lose interest just because you had sex and that isn't a bad thing. Lots of people waste years of their life being miserable with some one they don't actually like/love
2. You realize that you are compatible physically and emotionally, which is what everyone strives for
I don't really see a lose here, unless it's
3. You are bad in bed and are scared that she will be turned off by that. I doubt it's this but perhaps you can explain your fear better
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@Antithesis : That's quite the question... I'm actually writing a "book" about that and there's a lot to cover.
First, it really depends on who you are and where you come from.
For me, most of the work was reconnecting with my feelings, my emotions and my body. I was litteraly living in my head, overthinking everything and never letting it out.
I started by studying chamanism and reiki, which I kept few things about, mostly how the beliefs are a powerfull tool as much for limiting yourself as it is for freeing yourself. Then lots of time and patience with regular practice, also psychiatrist.
Then about a year ago I started martials arts, it really helped. And now I just keep working based on my feelings and intuition, once I was reconnected to that it was "easy". At least I startded feeling results (which took 5 years...)
But that's just for me.
For everyone though, some constants :
Intention is the basis. If you believe you cannot change and doesn't want to, nothing will work.
Attention is key. Attention to yourself, your thoughts, will let you see your patterns of functionning. Once you have that and you acknowledge them, accept them as being you, most of the work is done.
Then come the action. As I said, beliefs are powerfull. I found out that anything that you believe to work will. For some it's medication, it can be religion, esoteric stuff like chamanism and reiki, even pure intention works, although that's probably tye hardest. Anything really. The ways to achieve that are numerous, just find the ones that suit you.
And again, believe in the work you're doing and in yourself. For 5 years I felt almost no progress, it's really easy to lose faith or to keep switching methods hoping for quick results.
Hope that helped ! Feel free to pm if you want, that's really my thing currently and I'd be glad to share more about it.
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On June 20 2013 00:38 Nevermore214 wrote:
Something's happened recently that really surprises and pleases me.
A few weeks back, I started dating a very good friend I've had for years. We started to pick something up a few months previously (all the way back in January), but that fell through because she was dating another friend of mine, and I canceled because I didn't want that particular conflict. It wasn't worth it to me.
Anyhow, they broke up within about a month, I believe? I didn't know until almost the close of the semester, didn't take her out on a date until after my HS graduation.
How it ended up happening was that I invited my "group" ─ which is about 5-6 people depending on if you include me and/or another guy who isn't around as often ─ to a movie. It was the new Star Trek. She's a part of the "group", and has been for years. We ended up sitting next to one another since the other part of the group brought their current significant others.
I've been interested in this girl for a long time. Since then, I've taken her out on a real "date" and we've escalated rather quickly. We spend some time together almost every day. She's taking summer classes, I'm working on my home (since I'll be there with my parents for a couple of years to 'nab my associates degree) which needs serious renovations, and I'm also getting a job soon.
Anyway... To get to my point: she has told me explicitly that she wants sex after she gets back from a trip to the northern part of the state. My reaction to it doesn't matter (I pretty much agreed right out, because, why the heck not?)
However, now I'm having second thoughts. This relationship I have with her is something I want to have work long-term. I'm introverted (that is, I charge my emotional/social battery by being alone), and communicative. We've already had a declaration of love for one another, which is extraordinarily quick in my opinion, but I let it slide because we've been friends for a long time.
Should I escalate that with her this soon?
I'm not a virgin, I haven't been for years. I've lacked interest in it as this sort of "goal" line. By the same token, I haven't had a significant relationship for years, despite how hard I've tried. This relationship I have with her now is serendipity.
I'm also not happy at home, and she's admittedly the happiest thing for me right now. My parents are... sluggish. My home hasn't been presentable for a decade and change. I can say that we're finally FINALLY renovating it this summer, and it might/should be at least barely presentable by July.
I spend a lot of time with her. I'm not the most confident person in the world. I'm honestly, seriously, truly, worried about having sex with her. After that, what can I give her? I can't keep spending hours out of every one of my days with her ─ it's already drained me a little bit, since I never really get a chance to be alone like I know I need to be as an introvert. (To clarify, every other hour I spend awake is typically spent working alongside my father, cleaning and preparing to make major improvements.)
I want this to last. I really do believe that I love her, but I understand intellectually that it's possibly just my hormones driving me up a wall. Sex isn't a goal for me: I can wait for the right moment. I'm just afraid that after we have sex, it'll be the beginning of the end.
And before anyone points out the irony of my worrying about sex cuing the end of a relationship, I do realize the irony. I've laughed a good long while about it.
Sex is part of relationships, even if you are 100% perfect match if you have bad sex and/or don't find eachother attractive anymore the relationship has an expiry date. The only reason sex can be linked to the decline of a relationship is because the "crush" phase is over and there really isn't anything else to the relationship
If you feel drained by being around her then I would tend to agree with you, but go for it anyway you never know. The relationship might start going downhill if you have sex, the relationship will start going downhill if you don't have sex.
Remember women are just as and if not more horny than men are, if you don't put out she will find someone who does.
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On June 20 2013 00:44 VayneAuthority wrote:
What exactly is your fear of having sex with her?
Either
1. It opens up your eyes to the fact that your connection isn't that strong if one of you starts to lose interest just because you had sex and that isn't a bad thing. Lots of people waste years of their life being miserable with some one they don't actually like/love
2. You realize that you are compatible physically and emotionally, which is what everyone strives for
I don't really see a lose here, unless it's
3. You are bad in bed and are scared that she will be turned off by that. I doubt it's this but perhaps you can explain your fear better
I'm afraid of the first option. Though since I've never been told I'm good/average/whatever, now I'm scared of the third. (Not your bad. It occurred to me a few moments after my post.)
I'm also scared that because I can't have sex in my home (it's really, really, terrible, and the source of much of my unhappiness) it'll do harm to our relationship.
But the more I think about it, the more I feel like my worries are minimal. It really is as you said and
Sex is part of relationships, even if you are 100% perfect match if you have bad sex and/or don't find eachother attractive anymore the relationship has an expiry date. The only reason sex can be linked to the decline of a relationship is because the "crush" phase is over and there really isn't anything else to the relationship
Yeah.
There are other things I have to worry about. I'm still not decided, (I won't be rushed into a decision: I have a few days in any event,) but I figured since I had some time I'd ask advice of people who are probably more experienced than I am. I don't want to make a mistake I can avoid.
Thanks ya'll.
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I first had sex in a wood where joggers would pass by quite often. The house thing isn't an issue, there is always a way.
If you feel drained around her, that is an issue, from my point of view. I don't really buy the introvert stuff being that simple, although it can be accurate. I can be totally wrong on that though, don't just believe me when I say it's an issue.
How do you feel about talking to her about that, or at least part of it ? If you think this can go long term, opening communications about your personal issue seems a good idea to me.
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On June 20 2013 01:05 Nevermore214 wrote:Show nested quote +On June 20 2013 00:44 VayneAuthority wrote:
What exactly is your fear of having sex with her?
Either
1. It opens up your eyes to the fact that your connection isn't that strong if one of you starts to lose interest just because you had sex and that isn't a bad thing. Lots of people waste years of their life being miserable with some one they don't actually like/love
2. You realize that you are compatible physically and emotionally, which is what everyone strives for
I don't really see a lose here, unless it's
3. You are bad in bed and are scared that she will be turned off by that. I doubt it's this but perhaps you can explain your fear better I'm afraid of the first option. Though since I've never been told I'm good/average/whatever, now I'm scared of the third. (Not your bad. It occurred to me a few moments after my post.) I'm also scared that because I can't have sex in my home (it's really, really, terrible, and the source of much of my unhappiness) it'll do harm to our relationship. But the more I think about it, the more I feel like my worries are minimal. It really is as you said and Show nested quote +Sex is part of relationships, even if you are 100% perfect match if you have bad sex and/or don't find eachother attractive anymore the relationship has an expiry date. The only reason sex can be linked to the decline of a relationship is because the "crush" phase is over and there really isn't anything else to the relationship Yeah. There are other things I have to worry about. I'm still not decided, (I won't be rushed into a decision: I have a few days in any event,) but I figured since I had some time I'd ask advice of people who are probably more experienced than I am. I don't want to make a mistake I can avoid. Thanks ya'll.
I think the problem comes down mostly to anticipation. Having something to look forward to which can be a particularly important event is really stressful. It gets closer and closer and you start to question it more and more. My advice would be to find a way to relax and clear your mind a bit. Some people take meditation, others start a hobby, etc.
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On June 19 2013 23:28 Cynry wrote:
The stuff about giving/draining energy isn't as clear cut as you seem to imply. Or at least I don't feel it that way.
Some people will leave me energetic while some leave me tired. I tried to link it with them being introvert or extrovert but it doesn't compute.
I agree some people are on the line between intro and extrovert and sometimes people just gain energy from certain activities even if it's an introvert doing extroverted things. It's just a general guideline to make the difference clear between shyness and intro/extroversion.
To be on topic: I'll have a date tonight so wish me luck ^^.
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GL HF dude, and don't forget : 6 pool for bo1, macro for long series !
Ok I just wanted to make that bad joke...
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Hey , I never really posted something like this and are in general a lurker but I'm heart broken and would like to ask you guys the thought behind the decision of my girlfriend. I have this girl from Canada I met by coincidence and after casual talks we started to like each other more as friends in a very polite non sexistic way. We shared everything about her live talked all day and a lot of times at night because I'm Dutch and she is Canadian we have like 40k messages in three months Skype now and then and I even learned her some Starcraft but then todAy she wakes up we talk she goes to school and the usual stuff. She sends me pics of her being bored with friends inclass and then around the time she gets home and we talk she isn't there I say hey where are you? On facebook and she saw the message so I teased saying I knew she saw it. Then I wanna send another message and it says sending failed I refresh and it turns out she blocked me I went slightly panic but told myself her account got hacked, she misclicked or it was her sister. Then I ask her a bit worried what is up in Skype chat and she says nothing and then calls me but since I couldn't talk and was like wtf declined and then she ignore me , I try to get a why did she do it at her best friend but she tells me she doesn't know and that she will block me too.. From that point I fell shaky and really depressive ... I like lost a long distance relationship and all the things we had out of no where in one second... So what I really wonder now is why would you do that after all the hash and sweet stuff even after acting normal this morning? I feel like so sad and the worst thing is I didn't get a reason, or even a bye... Do you guys have any idea why she would do that? Did she just plain lie and find someone else, or thinks flying more often. And seeing each other almost never is to hard? And if so why would she do it like that?! Ps sorry for this block of text and maybe weird words but I'm sleepy, sad and on an iPad with autocorrect etc and am just really darn clueless...
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That wall of text was really, really hard to read without skipping into other sentences man. But I got through it.
I feel like you aren't completing telling the whole story or something idk. Were you the one always intiating conversations? If so she most likely finally got tired of you messaging her and just didn't want to talk anymore and then you pushed her so she blocked you. Other than that idk, maybe she found someone irl and just decided to cut ties with you. Either way you gotta move on and just forget about her. Be glad for the good times you did have and go be happy.
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That usually happens when they find some one else, either in real life or a new online person to talk to. That's how some girls fill their emotional void.
Very high chance that you did nothing wrong and it's more she just found some one else so she's done with you or whatever
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Thanks for the answers the weird thing is/was that she is the one sending me pictures of her at school , from school and hitting me up as soon as she wakes up like I still don't get it  like zero things indicated the fact she would break up...
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On June 20 2013 07:48 NerdFace wrote:Thanks for the answers the weird thing is/was that she is the one sending me pictures of her at school , from school and hitting me up as soon as she wakes up like I still don't get it like zero things indicated the fact she would break up...
*picture of Alien guy on history channel*
"Girls"
Not possible to understand everything they do.
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United Kingdom36161 Posts
On June 20 2013 07:48 NerdFace wrote:Thanks for the answers the weird thing is/was that she is the one sending me pictures of her at school , from school and hitting me up as soon as she wakes up like I still don't get it like zero things indicated the fact she would break up...
I actually have a surprisingly similar story from years ago. Dated this guy for 5 months or so over some distance, every time we saw each other it was awesome, and shortly after the last time I saw him, when everything seemed to be awesome, he just completely cut contact with me. Still to this day the most confusing thing relationship-wise that ever happened to me. Unfortunately it can be for several reasons and there's not a lot you can do except move on :/
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On June 20 2013 07:51 Zooper31 wrote:Show nested quote +On June 20 2013 07:48 NerdFace wrote:Thanks for the answers the weird thing is/was that she is the one sending me pictures of her at school , from school and hitting me up as soon as she wakes up like I still don't get it like zero things indicated the fact she would break up... *picture of Alien guy on history channel* "Girls" Not possible to understand everything they do.
I guess, just find it weird it happens like this and not with I think blablabla maybe we should stop or even just being friends... Like it feels a bit as losing someone you like but not being sure if he or she is dead or just somewhere else.
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On June 20 2013 07:56 marvellosity wrote:Show nested quote +On June 20 2013 07:48 NerdFace wrote:Thanks for the answers the weird thing is/was that she is the one sending me pictures of her at school , from school and hitting me up as soon as she wakes up like I still don't get it like zero things indicated the fact she would break up... I actually have a surprisingly similar story from years ago. Dated this guy for 5 months or so over some distance, every time we saw each other it was awesome, and shortly after the last time I saw him, when everything seemed to be awesome, he just completely cut contact with me. Still to this day the most confusing thing relationship-wise that ever happened to me. Unfortunately it can be for several reasons and there's not a lot you can do except move on :/
I guess ... It feels so shit... Like I will never get it but I'm trying to make myself understand its not my fault and that there are thousand more nice girls... Only thing I really liked is this non sexistic relationship... I don't know why everyone sees it as the biggest thing almost... I prefer the ability of having huge talks about everything and nothing and learning each other new hobbies and such rather then aiming for what society thinks is Beauty and just having sex and having her just for the sale of having a girlfriend but I dunno I guess that's rare and that's why I accepted the idea of a long distance relationship but whatever I guess.
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Dude, I think you're looking for the word "sexual." I don't think sexistic is really a word, and it makes me think "pertaining to sexism" which is not what you mean at all.
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You were not in a relationship with her.
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EPT
