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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On December 28 2018 12:17 Excludos wrote:Show nested quote +On December 28 2018 11:46 Fencar wrote:On December 28 2018 11:28 Excludos wrote:On December 28 2018 10:58 Fencar wrote:
What’s a decent methodology to become friends with and potentially start relationships with coworkers I’m interested in? I work as a math tutor and occasionally the other tutors on shift are interesting or cool, and I’d like to get to know them better but it usually seems awkward to bring up hanging out outside of our jobs, even if we have one or two common interests (which isn’t common either).
This is for friendships as well as dating, right now the advice my therapist is giving me is to be friends with people and then just show romantic interest if I think the other person is already interested because of body language or other signs. Pretty much what your therapist said. Try to meet them outside of work, be it payday beer or any other get-together, and get to know them. If you click then you can go for it. Just going straight for romance can really damage the workplace environment if it doesn't work out. Right, and I totally believe in that approach. I’m just not sure on the nitty gritty of how the conversations actually go and how I can approach the individual conversations if I want to pursue hanging out with a person, after I learn some stuff about them and figure out that I like the kind of person they are. This is one of those things where the only real way to get better is to practice. The only real tip I can give is to not try to force it. People can probably read you easier than you think, and they will probably see right through you if you try to force anything romantic (I've seen all kinds of disastrous ways people have attempted this, from buying needless gifts, unnecessary touching, staring, always talking about sex, always buying drinks at the bar, etc. And 95% of the time the girl turns to her friends and rolls her eyes). This is the root of the idea of "just be yourself", because it really is that simple: Just talk to her like you would talk to any other normal person. Talk about the weather, talk about work, talk about what your interests, ask her about hers, etc etc. If you think a question is awkward before you ask it: Don't. Let the conversation unfold naturally. Thanks, I appreciate the advice. Is there any other way I can gain experience from watching or listening? Or particularly social environments I could put myself into to find people who like to talk and be social?(I know that’s kind of a difficult question since that really depends on the person who’s asking...) I’d really like to become better at this more quickly than just with the few conversations I have day to day working and the minuscule social interaction I get during college classes.
It’s kind of frustrating since it’s not like I can just practice build orders available online like in Starcraft  and so much advice about conversation is so vague it’s hard to get simple takeaways about things I can do.
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On December 28 2018 12:28 Fencar wrote:Show nested quote +On December 28 2018 12:17 Excludos wrote:On December 28 2018 11:46 Fencar wrote:On December 28 2018 11:28 Excludos wrote:On December 28 2018 10:58 Fencar wrote:
What’s a decent methodology to become friends with and potentially start relationships with coworkers I’m interested in? I work as a math tutor and occasionally the other tutors on shift are interesting or cool, and I’d like to get to know them better but it usually seems awkward to bring up hanging out outside of our jobs, even if we have one or two common interests (which isn’t common either).
This is for friendships as well as dating, right now the advice my therapist is giving me is to be friends with people and then just show romantic interest if I think the other person is already interested because of body language or other signs. Pretty much what your therapist said. Try to meet them outside of work, be it payday beer or any other get-together, and get to know them. If you click then you can go for it. Just going straight for romance can really damage the workplace environment if it doesn't work out. Right, and I totally believe in that approach. I’m just not sure on the nitty gritty of how the conversations actually go and how I can approach the individual conversations if I want to pursue hanging out with a person, after I learn some stuff about them and figure out that I like the kind of person they are. This is one of those things where the only real way to get better is to practice. The only real tip I can give is to not try to force it. People can probably read you easier than you think, and they will probably see right through you if you try to force anything romantic (I've seen all kinds of disastrous ways people have attempted this, from buying needless gifts, unnecessary touching, staring, always talking about sex, always buying drinks at the bar, etc. And 95% of the time the girl turns to her friends and rolls her eyes). This is the root of the idea of "just be yourself", because it really is that simple: Just talk to her like you would talk to any other normal person. Talk about the weather, talk about work, talk about what your interests, ask her about hers, etc etc. If you think a question is awkward before you ask it: Don't. Let the conversation unfold naturally. Thanks, I appreciate the advice. Is there any other way I can gain experience from watching or listening? Or particularly social environments I could put myself into to find people who like to talk and be social?(I know that’s kind of a difficult question since that really depends on the person who’s asking...) I’d really like to become better at this more quickly than just with the few conversations I have day to day working and the minuscule social interaction I get during college classes. It’s kind of frustrating since it’s not like I can just practice build orders available online like in Starcraft and so much advice about conversation is so vague it’s hard to get simple takeaways about things I can do.
For me, I think I got a lot out of my previous jobs as a salesperson. You talk to customers all day, so of course one would get more comfortable at it, even if it's just for work. Outside of that, I am unfortunately all out of ideas. You find yourself much in much the same predicament as I do: How to find more people. For you it's to find more people to talk to, and for me it's to find girls to potentially court. I have gone through probably double digit hobbies in the last few years attempting to expand my friends circle, and have been woefully unsuccessful. I know this varies widely from country to country, but in mine, people keep all their circles separated. People from work never meet your friends, your friends never meet people from your hobbies, and your hobby buddies are never contacted for anything outside of that.
I have heard people say good things about dancing, but I have no interest in that personally. Maybe that's something for you? Or, if you want to step completely out of your comfort zone, you could speedrun the whole thing and pick up improv acting? I know I'd personally rather set my nipples on fire, but maybe it's something for you?
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Improv acting is definitely something I’m interested in. I like performing so that’s an easy go for me.
Where I live the dance community is a little secular at least for the type of dance I tend to do, and it’s hard to have conversations with people at the dance floor for me lol. I actually got really into it for a while, made a couple friends, but most budding friendship s didn’t stick so we were stuck with staying as acquaintances. I also was a lot worse at all social things when I was doing dancing though, so maybe going back with more social experience it’ll be more comfortable.
Mostly I guess I felt like it was hard to have an in depth conversation with anyone about stuff I’m interested in. When I went to dancing it was like I could ask people about themselves, but most people were kind of boring or I was too anxious to follow up properly on anything Dx
Edit: the improv group in my area does happen to be starting classes up again, so I’m going to try that and see how it goes.
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On December 28 2018 15:28 Oliviageorge098 wrote:
In a relationship.
...gz I guess?
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On December 25 2018 07:54 GoTuNk! wrote:Show nested quote +On December 24 2018 23:16 Naib wrote:
Well, I've come across your posts multiple times both on here and on LP, and no doubt we have very different values and outlook on life.
For example, it is unthinkable for me as a stranger to be so full of myself to think I can tell somebody to pick a potential partner-for-life from 3 different options based on a paragraph about them. This is just made worse by the fact it is not him asking for advice for himself, but for a friend - for all we know, said friend doesn't really want help to begin with (definitely not an outwordly assumption to think he surely wouldn't want "advice" from a complete stranger however).
Maybe it would be easy to offer advice in your example, but then again, in that situation one wouldn't really need the advice to begin with, would they?
On one thing we definitely agree on: the friend you describe GoTuNk! is an exceptional friend - an exceptionally nosy one. It seems to me that friend in question didn't specifically ask for Slydie's help, and any "friendly advice" on which partner to choose would be unsolicited - definitely a no-go in my book.
Of course, my assumption could be false, in which case fire away if he asked for your opinion - but it's his life and his (potential) partner that we are talking about here. He and him only should make a decision. Or is it normal for you guys to ask for your friends' / relatives' opinion about who you should be dating? For me it certainly isn't, because it should be my business only, and if I am conflicted, it is my job to figure it out.
Yeah I'm def judging someone on a paragraph - on that ground you are correct, I'm taking his info at face value. On this part I could be wrong and would require more info. I don't meddle on others people relationship obviously, but I think I don't do it because it's the EASY thing to do, not the CORRECT one; I can think of certain situations where I should have given good advice to CLOSE FRIENDS and FAMILY members. A family member met a TOTAL PSYCHO (attempted suicide by jumping off a second floor), married her, had a kid and then divorced all in a span of 2 years. I don't think I'm close enough to try warn him, but I think other family members and friends of his where, and probably should. He was the ultimate responsable person, but we have friends and family for a reason; most people stay silent because it's the easy thing to do. Let me put you the question back at you this way: If you had a close female friend or sister getting back with a boyfriend that beat her up, would you tell her anything? Woman can be as abusive of men in other ways, and one should at least attempt to help them I believe.
Thanks guys! The friend with the problem went abroad for some weeks over Christmas, I hope he knows more what he wants when he comes back, and that he is not all messed up after texting all 3 of them! He is NOT the kind of guy who wants advice, but I have gently pushed him in the direction of not taking girl B back unless she moves. Girl C should be a no-go, but there were a strong attraction, and they have unresolved business. I obviously really liked girl A for him, and doubt he could do any better for a long term partner, but I am afraid he has to come to that conclusion himself...
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I'm not having a good experience on any dating apps. I feel like girls just want to emotionally screw with me.
To give some examples.
- One girl I get along quite well with. After about two weeks we engaged in sexy talk and she even sends me a photo of her butt. Before I could ask her for her number and move things to Whatsapp, she nukes her account from orbit. Then again, maybe the POF admins nuked her account because of 'suspicious activity' because I can't even find any of her past messages.
- I talk with another girl on POF and hit it off. She asks for my Facebook ID and spends some time talking to me about my past experiences. She asks to call me and after about 20 seconds of talking to me, she hangs up and asks if we can just be friends. I respond with something like "is my voice that bad" and she laughs it off, and I agree to remain friends with her. Of course, she then unfriends and blocks me shortly after.
- I spend a few weeks messaging another girl on Hinge who is a console gamer with similar tastes to me. We met up for cocktails, got along super well and by the end of the night were making out for a solid half hour. Because she's busy, she invites me to her place two weeks later for a night of Smash Bros & chill. Of course things don't go this far because she barely responds to me over the next week then pulls the whole "I thought about it and things can't work out between us. I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to lead you on" card.
- Another girl spends quite a bit of time talking to me and asked me earlier this month if I wanted to go to Winter Wonderland with her later in December. Of course, later that month, she ghosts me.
And these are just the four women I've had the most success with. I'm not even going to go into the countless girls who responded to my first or second message just to ghost me, or those who blocked me over an innocent and inoffensive chat up line, or those who gave me rude/dismissive responses.
It frustrates me.
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On December 28 2018 15:13 Fencar wrote:
Improv acting is definitely something I’m interested in. I like performing so that’s an easy go for me.
Where I live the dance community is a little secular at least for the type of dance I tend to do, and it’s hard to have conversations with people at the dance floor for me lol. I actually got really into it for a while, made a couple friends, but most budding friendship s didn’t stick so we were stuck with staying as acquaintances. I also was a lot worse at all social things when I was doing dancing though, so maybe going back with more social experience it’ll be more comfortable.
Mostly I guess I felt like it was hard to have an in depth conversation with anyone about stuff I’m interested in. When I went to dancing it was like I could ask people about themselves, but most people were kind of boring or I was too anxious to follow up properly on anything Dx
Edit: the improv group in my area does happen to be starting classes up again, so I’m going to try that and see how it goes.
Hobbies in general are an easy way. You have some stuff that you are interested in. Find people who are also interested in that stuff, and talk about it. You need to realize that talking to people doesn't have to be baseless smalltalk, and you also don't always have to start being interested in the stuff that the other people care about to talk to people. A big part of being comfortable in social interaction is being comfortable with the topic. So if you have something that you are really into, find a group of people who also do that, and ideally one where there is also a social period after the thing you do. For me, this was a Pen and Paper roleplaying society where some of the people involved went to a restaurant afterwards and talked for a few more hours in an open table. You get to know some people, you get to talk about a topic you are comfortable with, you often notice other topics multiple people are comfortable with, and even if not, you can get the people there to talk to you about the other stuff they are enthusiastic about.
This can often lead you into a bit of an edge group outside of the "cool" crowd, but that is not necessarily a problem. You don't need to be a part of the extroverted party crowd. You just need to find a group of people that fit you.
If you are into nerdy hobbies, you often get the impression that no one really cares about the things that you would most prefer talking about. That is not true. You just need to find the right people, and don't press your topics onto people that don't care about them. In the same way that i don't care if people start talking to me about soccer (which happens surprisingly often here in Germany), a lot of people don't care if i talk about maths or roleplaying games or Star Trek. Which is completely fine. You don't need to get into their stuff just to be able to talk to someone. I spent a lot of my youth under the impression that i needed to learn a lot about the stuff that people seem to care about to be able to talk to them, but that is both exhausting and pointless.
So basically, my advice is to find people that are interested in talking about stuff that you are enthusiastic about, and listen to them talk about the other stuff that they are enthusiastic about.
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Generally don't get interested in people, like, to the extent that if I'm interested in multiple people in a single year it's strange. Because of this I overthink things a lot and try to rush when I am. This leads me to my current predicament...
Girl started working in the same store as me recently that I've taken a liking to. Don't really get the chance to talk to her much because she tends to work register and I'm stuck in the back room doing stock most of the time, which she does do on a rare occasion. We seem to have a pretty good dynamic in a group setting and as the two of us and other stock people bounce around topics she talked about how Mario Kart is one of the few games she's gotten into, which leads to a good opportunity to bring in my Switch and race her during breaks - though it's rare when those overlap.
So here I am trying to not overthink and rush the situation.
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This could literally mean anything. I doubt she's that into you, even if you do race her in Mario Kart during breaks.
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I never said I thought she was.
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On December 29 2018 09:28 Simberto wrote:Show nested quote +On December 28 2018 15:13 Fencar wrote:
Improv acting is definitely something I’m interested in. I like performing so that’s an easy go for me.
Where I live the dance community is a little secular at least for the type of dance I tend to do, and it’s hard to have conversations with people at the dance floor for me lol. I actually got really into it for a while, made a couple friends, but most budding friendship s didn’t stick so we were stuck with staying as acquaintances. I also was a lot worse at all social things when I was doing dancing though, so maybe going back with more social experience it’ll be more comfortable.
Mostly I guess I felt like it was hard to have an in depth conversation with anyone about stuff I’m interested in. When I went to dancing it was like I could ask people about themselves, but most people were kind of boring or I was too anxious to follow up properly on anything Dx
Edit: the improv group in my area does happen to be starting classes up again, so I’m going to try that and see how it goes. Hobbies in general are an easy way. You have some stuff that you are interested in. Find people who are also interested in that stuff, and talk about it. You need to realize that talking to people doesn't have to be baseless smalltalk, and you also don't always have to start being interested in the stuff that the other people care about to talk to people. A big part of being comfortable in social interaction is being comfortable with the topic. So if you have something that you are really into, find a group of people who also do that, and ideally one where there is also a social period after the thing you do. For me, this was a Pen and Paper roleplaying society where some of the people involved went to a restaurant afterwards and talked for a few more hours in an open table. You get to know some people, you get to talk about a topic you are comfortable with, you often notice other topics multiple people are comfortable with, and even if not, you can get the people there to talk to you about the other stuff they are enthusiastic about. This can often lead you into a bit of an edge group outside of the "cool" crowd, but that is not necessarily a problem. You don't need to be a part of the extroverted party crowd. You just need to find a group of people that fit you. If you are into nerdy hobbies, you often get the impression that no one really cares about the things that you would most prefer talking about. That is not true. You just need to find the right people, and don't press your topics onto people that don't care about them. In the same way that i don't care if people start talking to me about soccer (which happens surprisingly often here in Germany), a lot of people don't care if i talk about maths or roleplaying games or Star Trek. Which is completely fine. You don't need to get into their stuff just to be able to talk to someone. I spent a lot of my youth under the impression that i needed to learn a lot about the stuff that people seem to care about to be able to talk to them, but that is both exhausting and pointless. So basically, my advice is to find people that are interested in talking about stuff that you are enthusiastic about, and listen to them talk about the other stuff that they are enthusiastic about.
Right I totally get what you're saying, that's what I'd really like to do. But how do you find groups like that? What step-by-step process or flowchart can I use for finding these groups? Social cues I can pay attention to in workplace or other social environments that I can follow up on in order to join these groups?
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On December 29 2018 08:18 Clbull wrote:I'm not having a good experience on any dating apps. I feel like girls just want to emotionally screw with me. To give some examples. - One girl I get along quite well with. After about two weeks we engaged in sexy talk and she even sends me a photo of her butt. Before I could ask her for her number and move things to Whatsapp, she nukes her account from orbit. Then again, maybe the POF admins nuked her account because of 'suspicious activity' because I can't even find any of her past messages.
- I talk with another girl on POF and hit it off. She asks for my Facebook ID and spends some time talking to me about my past experiences. She asks to call me and after about 20 seconds of talking to me, she hangs up and asks if we can just be friends. I respond with something like "is my voice that bad" and she laughs it off, and I agree to remain friends with her. Of course, she then unfriends and blocks me shortly after.
- I spend a few weeks messaging another girl on Hinge who is a console gamer with similar tastes to me. We met up for cocktails, got along super well and by the end of the night were making out for a solid half hour. Because she's busy, she invites me to her place two weeks later for a night of Smash Bros & chill. Of course things don't go this far because she barely responds to me over the next week then pulls the whole "I thought about it and things can't work out between us. I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to lead you on" card.
- Another girl spends quite a bit of time talking to me and asked me earlier this month if I wanted to go to Winter Wonderland with her later in December. Of course, later that month, she ghosts me.
And these are just the four women I've had the most success with. I'm not even going to go into the countless girls who responded to my first or second message just to ghost me, or those who blocked me over an innocent and inoffensive chat up line, or those who gave me rude/dismissive responses. It frustrates me.
Okay, so you're clearly very new to online dating.
This is how it will be for men. The first glaring mistake I can see you continously make is that you're talking to them forever without planning a date. Most planned dates will fizzle out anyway, so be sure to plan many.
Example: I had 5 dates planned over 3 days.
27th: Was going for a walk with one girl and cuddling in front of the tv in the evening.
28th: A walk with another, cuddling with a fourth.
29th: Cuddling with a fifth.
So right now 2 out of 5 planned date have actually managed to become a date. And I can tell you the numbers do look similar in other places as well. It's definitely worse in this city compared to the university city, but people bail there as well.
Talking for a longer period of time is not a good thing either, generally I'd say you want to ask them out within like 10-20 messages, unless you feel like she will continue talking to you even for a long period of time without losing interest. In that case you can postpone asking her out just because you have other girls lined up, etc.
Honestly, the only thing you "are allowed" to be upset about is if you actually plan a date, you have a place and a time in order and she still bails. That's a douchebag move. I'm for example not mad at girl #1 since we had just said like "the 27th before 14:00". No specific time or place. If you haven't a time and place, its not a date. With that logic I had 4 planned dates.
Getting upset over a girl who ignores you after 1-2 messages is crazy. I urge you to create a female tinder account and witness how many fucking messages they get. It is way beyond absurd. You would stop talking to people as well if you had the same amount of matches. You literally can not physically keep up with that many people if you have a normal life.
Furthermore, I want to know what you say to them the first message. Give me the last 10 first messages you have sent to girls online. Getting anything other than a interesting opener is boring as fuck, as they already have better looking, more interesting guys than you sending messages. If you're hot as fuck it won't matter as much of course, but it will still be way easier.
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On December 29 2018 15:27 Fencar wrote:Show nested quote +On December 29 2018 09:28 Simberto wrote:On December 28 2018 15:13 Fencar wrote:
Improv acting is definitely something I’m interested in. I like performing so that’s an easy go for me.
Where I live the dance community is a little secular at least for the type of dance I tend to do, and it’s hard to have conversations with people at the dance floor for me lol. I actually got really into it for a while, made a couple friends, but most budding friendship s didn’t stick so we were stuck with staying as acquaintances. I also was a lot worse at all social things when I was doing dancing though, so maybe going back with more social experience it’ll be more comfortable.
Mostly I guess I felt like it was hard to have an in depth conversation with anyone about stuff I’m interested in. When I went to dancing it was like I could ask people about themselves, but most people were kind of boring or I was too anxious to follow up properly on anything Dx
Edit: the improv group in my area does happen to be starting classes up again, so I’m going to try that and see how it goes. Hobbies in general are an easy way. You have some stuff that you are interested in. Find people who are also interested in that stuff, and talk about it. You need to realize that talking to people doesn't have to be baseless smalltalk, and you also don't always have to start being interested in the stuff that the other people care about to talk to people. A big part of being comfortable in social interaction is being comfortable with the topic. So if you have something that you are really into, find a group of people who also do that, and ideally one where there is also a social period after the thing you do. For me, this was a Pen and Paper roleplaying society where some of the people involved went to a restaurant afterwards and talked for a few more hours in an open table. You get to know some people, you get to talk about a topic you are comfortable with, you often notice other topics multiple people are comfortable with, and even if not, you can get the people there to talk to you about the other stuff they are enthusiastic about. This can often lead you into a bit of an edge group outside of the "cool" crowd, but that is not necessarily a problem. You don't need to be a part of the extroverted party crowd. You just need to find a group of people that fit you. If you are into nerdy hobbies, you often get the impression that no one really cares about the things that you would most prefer talking about. That is not true. You just need to find the right people, and don't press your topics onto people that don't care about them. In the same way that i don't care if people start talking to me about soccer (which happens surprisingly often here in Germany), a lot of people don't care if i talk about maths or roleplaying games or Star Trek. Which is completely fine. You don't need to get into their stuff just to be able to talk to someone. I spent a lot of my youth under the impression that i needed to learn a lot about the stuff that people seem to care about to be able to talk to them, but that is both exhausting and pointless. So basically, my advice is to find people that are interested in talking about stuff that you are enthusiastic about, and listen to them talk about the other stuff that they are enthusiastic about. Right I totally get what you're saying, that's what I'd really like to do. But how do you find groups like that? What step-by-step process or flowchart can I use for finding these groups? Social cues I can pay attention to in workplace or other social environments that I can follow up on in order to join these groups?
My most effective way (small sample size though) has been to google "(Hobby Term/terms) group/club (city i live in)". Especially if you are into niche stuff, your chances of meeting someone that is into the same thing in a random group is pretty low, so go for groups that are explicitly selected for that niche thing. I don't know how good the club (not bar, but like sports club) structure is where you live. Here in Munich i could probably find some semi-organized group of people with a website that meet regularly which are into basically any niche hobby i could imagine.
If you want to do the same thing in other not specially selecting environments (a lot harder), clothing might be an idea to communicate that you are into a thing without being obnoxious. Obviously depends on where you are if you can do that, but if you wear a Star Trek shirt, people who are also into Star Trek will probably realize that they can talk to you about Star Trek. And reversely, if you see someone in a shirt with the Zerg Symbol on it, you can probably talk to them about StarCraft. Might even be a conversation starter "Hey, is that a Zerg shirt you are wearing?"
Edit: Oh, and this is definitively not advice on how to meet girls to date. This is advice on how to acquire friends. Some of them might be female, but this is not really about dating.
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You can always try Meetup.com for finding hobbies. I found some nice groups of ppl playing boardgames in Brussels that way. Mostly an international crowd but I don't mind. You'll have a lot more success living in/near a big city of course.
On December 29 2018 08:18 Clbull wrote:I'm not having a good experience on any dating apps. I feel like girls just want to emotionally screw with me. To give some examples. - One girl I get along quite well with. After about two weeks we engaged in sexy talk and she even sends me a photo of her butt. Before I could ask her for her number and move things to Whatsapp, she nukes her account from orbit. Then again, maybe the POF admins nuked her account because of 'suspicious activity' because I can't even find any of her past messages.
- I talk with another girl on POF and hit it off. She asks for my Facebook ID and spends some time talking to me about my past experiences. She asks to call me and after about 20 seconds of talking to me, she hangs up and asks if we can just be friends. I respond with something like "is my voice that bad" and she laughs it off, and I agree to remain friends with her. Of course, she then unfriends and blocks me shortly after.
- I spend a few weeks messaging another girl on Hinge who is a console gamer with similar tastes to me. We met up for cocktails, got along super well and by the end of the night were making out for a solid half hour. Because she's busy, she invites me to her place two weeks later for a night of Smash Bros & chill. Of course things don't go this far because she barely responds to me over the next week then pulls the whole "I thought about it and things can't work out between us. I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to lead you on" card.
- Another girl spends quite a bit of time talking to me and asked me earlier this month if I wanted to go to Winter Wonderland with her later in December. Of course, later that month, she ghosts me.
And these are just the four women I've had the most success with. I'm not even going to go into the countless girls who responded to my first or second message just to ghost me, or those who blocked me over an innocent and inoffensive chat up line, or those who gave me rude/dismissive responses. It frustrates me.
Bloodwhore already told you to ask them out earlier and I agree. After 10-20 messages is too early though imo. I like to find out their job, hobbies, and their reason for being on Tinder before pitching the date. If they're looking for something I'm not, it's a waste of everyone's time. "Just here to make friends" is an instant 'next' for me, though that's probably a reply they give when they're already busy with someone else. If I'm happy with the responses to above topics and conversation is flowing along nicely it's time to ask for a date.
Can't really comment on getting ghosted. I find that if I use the above approach (ask them out after 1-2 days of chatting when there seems to be a 'click'), I don't get ghosted.
It's true that girls have way more options than guys though. Any remotely attractive girlfriend of mine has had 99+ likes waiting and hundreds of matches to pick from on Tinder. You NEED good pictures to make online dating work.
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On December 28 2018 12:28 Fencar wrote:Show nested quote +On December 28 2018 12:17 Excludos wrote:On December 28 2018 11:46 Fencar wrote:On December 28 2018 11:28 Excludos wrote:On December 28 2018 10:58 Fencar wrote:
What’s a decent methodology to become friends with and potentially start relationships with coworkers I’m interested in? I work as a math tutor and occasionally the other tutors on shift are interesting or cool, and I’d like to get to know them better but it usually seems awkward to bring up hanging out outside of our jobs, even if we have one or two common interests (which isn’t common either).
This is for friendships as well as dating, right now the advice my therapist is giving me is to be friends with people and then just show romantic interest if I think the other person is already interested because of body language or other signs. Pretty much what your therapist said. Try to meet them outside of work, be it payday beer or any other get-together, and get to know them. If you click then you can go for it. Just going straight for romance can really damage the workplace environment if it doesn't work out. Right, and I totally believe in that approach. I’m just not sure on the nitty gritty of how the conversations actually go and how I can approach the individual conversations if I want to pursue hanging out with a person, after I learn some stuff about them and figure out that I like the kind of person they are. This is one of those things where the only real way to get better is to practice. The only real tip I can give is to not try to force it. People can probably read you easier than you think, and they will probably see right through you if you try to force anything romantic (I've seen all kinds of disastrous ways people have attempted this, from buying needless gifts, unnecessary touching, staring, always talking about sex, always buying drinks at the bar, etc. And 95% of the time the girl turns to her friends and rolls her eyes). This is the root of the idea of "just be yourself", because it really is that simple: Just talk to her like you would talk to any other normal person. Talk about the weather, talk about work, talk about what your interests, ask her about hers, etc etc. If you think a question is awkward before you ask it: Don't. Let the conversation unfold naturally. Thanks, I appreciate the advice. Is there any other way I can gain experience from watching or listening? Or particularly social environments I could put myself into to find people who like to talk and be social?(I know that’s kind of a difficult question since that really depends on the person who’s asking...) I’d really like to become better at this more quickly than just with the few conversations I have day to day working and the minuscule social interaction I get during college classes. It’s kind of frustrating since it’s not like I can just practice build orders available online like in Starcraft and so much advice about conversation is so vague it’s hard to get simple takeaways about things I can do.
do you read fiction books? and i dont mean fantasy/scifi i mean character-driven works by great writers
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On December 30 2018 08:16 IgnE wrote:Show nested quote +On December 28 2018 12:28 Fencar wrote:On December 28 2018 12:17 Excludos wrote:On December 28 2018 11:46 Fencar wrote:On December 28 2018 11:28 Excludos wrote:On December 28 2018 10:58 Fencar wrote:
What’s a decent methodology to become friends with and potentially start relationships with coworkers I’m interested in? I work as a math tutor and occasionally the other tutors on shift are interesting or cool, and I’d like to get to know them better but it usually seems awkward to bring up hanging out outside of our jobs, even if we have one or two common interests (which isn’t common either).
This is for friendships as well as dating, right now the advice my therapist is giving me is to be friends with people and then just show romantic interest if I think the other person is already interested because of body language or other signs. Pretty much what your therapist said. Try to meet them outside of work, be it payday beer or any other get-together, and get to know them. If you click then you can go for it. Just going straight for romance can really damage the workplace environment if it doesn't work out. Right, and I totally believe in that approach. I’m just not sure on the nitty gritty of how the conversations actually go and how I can approach the individual conversations if I want to pursue hanging out with a person, after I learn some stuff about them and figure out that I like the kind of person they are. This is one of those things where the only real way to get better is to practice. The only real tip I can give is to not try to force it. People can probably read you easier than you think, and they will probably see right through you if you try to force anything romantic (I've seen all kinds of disastrous ways people have attempted this, from buying needless gifts, unnecessary touching, staring, always talking about sex, always buying drinks at the bar, etc. And 95% of the time the girl turns to her friends and rolls her eyes). This is the root of the idea of "just be yourself", because it really is that simple: Just talk to her like you would talk to any other normal person. Talk about the weather, talk about work, talk about what your interests, ask her about hers, etc etc. If you think a question is awkward before you ask it: Don't. Let the conversation unfold naturally. Thanks, I appreciate the advice. Is there any other way I can gain experience from watching or listening? Or particularly social environments I could put myself into to find people who like to talk and be social?(I know that’s kind of a difficult question since that really depends on the person who’s asking...) I’d really like to become better at this more quickly than just with the few conversations I have day to day working and the minuscule social interaction I get during college classes. It’s kind of frustrating since it’s not like I can just practice build orders available online like in Starcraft and so much advice about conversation is so vague it’s hard to get simple takeaways about things I can do. do you read fiction books? and i dont mean fantasy/scifi i mean character-driven works by great writers Unfortunately my taste in reading is mostly web serials with the occasional epic fantasy sprinkled in. Brandon Sanderson, Angie Sage, Tamora Pierce, and the author of the speech Jackson series are among my most read authors Dx
Sadly I don’t live in a huge city right now, granted it’s not that small but I haven’t been able to find that many good groups on meetup.
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On December 29 2018 08:18 Clbull wrote:I'm not having a good experience on any dating apps. I feel like girls just want to emotionally screw with me. To give some examples. - One girl I get along quite well with. After about two weeks we engaged in sexy talk and she even sends me a photo of her butt. Before I could ask her for her number and move things to Whatsapp, she nukes her account from orbit. Then again, maybe the POF admins nuked her account because of 'suspicious activity' because I can't even find any of her past messages.
- I talk with another girl on POF and hit it off. She asks for my Facebook ID and spends some time talking to me about my past experiences. She asks to call me and after about 20 seconds of talking to me, she hangs up and asks if we can just be friends. I respond with something like "is my voice that bad" and she laughs it off, and I agree to remain friends with her. Of course, she then unfriends and blocks me shortly after.
- I spend a few weeks messaging another girl on Hinge who is a console gamer with similar tastes to me. We met up for cocktails, got along super well and by the end of the night were making out for a solid half hour. Because she's busy, she invites me to her place two weeks later for a night of Smash Bros & chill. Of course things don't go this far because she barely responds to me over the next week then pulls the whole "I thought about it and things can't work out between us. I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to lead you on" card.
- Another girl spends quite a bit of time talking to me and asked me earlier this month if I wanted to go to Winter Wonderland with her later in December. Of course, later that month, she ghosts me.
And these are just the four women I've had the most success with. I'm not even going to go into the countless girls who responded to my first or second message just to ghost me, or those who blocked me over an innocent and inoffensive chat up line, or those who gave me rude/dismissive responses. It frustrates me.
As a hard and fast rule you shouldn't spend more than 1-4 messages before asking someone out online. On detailed profile sites I'd ask women out on 1st message directly
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And I quit online dating after 3 days this time around
Women there just have a totally warped perception of the dating dynamic, that doesn't happen at least in my country in real life. And just be being there are more likely to be flaky, picky and put in less effort and it's not really their fault.
Just imagine if you spent the time you spent there talking to women in real life, or making friends and building your social life. It clicked for me and I deleted all of the apps
And just play with them with guy friends in a pub as a hobby sometimes.
It's also a big issue with online dating and going just after that - you are just after women, date a few at the same time have this rich social life that takes effort. And then when you pick one poof - social life's gone. Unless you've really struggled to get women and need that complete focus on them just to prove to yourself you can do it (I did 4 years ago for sure) building social circles with women involved is the way to go
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I agree with a lot what you said. People are really fucking flakey/picky, probably due to the "green is always greener" and they think they can get someone better looking, more interesting etc.
Not everyone is after what you deem to be a "rich social life" though. I don't care for having another 5 different hobbies just in order to meet women. I can barely keep up with my current ones. I don't care for going to pubs in order to meet women. Drinking in general or "going out" is usually boring as fuck to me. I don't really care for having tons of acquantances either just to get into other social groups.
It's good advice for people who like being more of a social butterfly, and I for sure believe that it is more natural meeting girls through friends. I just don't see it happening to me, not often at least. So if you're like me, your options for not going online is basically just asking out girls you see on the street, or wait a long time until a natural opportunity appears.
I don't believe in changing who you are just to meet women. I don't really think it's bad using online dating either, it's just a hassle a lot of the times and if you're not good looking and possess good critical thinking - you're fucked.
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EPT
