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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
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Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On December 12 2018 23:02 Ryzel wrote:Show nested quote +On December 12 2018 18:05 Malinor wrote:
I met this girl two times at sport competitions back in September and October. We talked quite a bit there, but I really did not think much of it. Mostly because she lives far away and is way younger than me.
She added me on FB later, which struck me a bit, because there is really no connection between us two and she only knew my first name.
(she later told me that she tracked me down over instagram). But since she has like 600+ FB-friends, I don't want to read too much into it.
I texted her one day which resulted in us writing the whole day. We have had like 8 phone calls in November, normally lasting 2-3 hours, but sometimes quite a bit longer.
And while she sometimes texted my by herself and I did not have to chase her, the phone calls were always initiated by me, which bothers me. It's like... I texted her if she has time and she immediately called me back,
so there was no dodging going on. But she would just never initiate it.
I finally asked her if we want to meet up sometime, and that resulted in a very open conversation about how this could prove to be extremely complicated given the distance and the age difference.
She was just very concerned about what happens if our meeting does not go well etc.... basically overthinking it a lot. I am sure there was some genuine interest, but she was not quiet there yet.
The next day I texted her sth. like: "Thanks for the talk, I don't know what happens now, but at the moment it is really cool with you". She replied with two one liners, saying she feels the same.
Two days later she texted me another one liner (without a question), and my answer was followed with another one liner without anything to keep the conversation going.
This is the point where I grew tired, because I just wanted her to start a conversation for once, so I did not reply. This was exactly one week ago and neither of us has made a move.
Now I am sitting here contemplating if I did the right thing or if I am just being extremely stupid in potentially letting her go. It is not that I fell madly in love with her, but I have this feeling that she would be very good for me (same hobbies, similar values, no problems in finding things to talk about) and I really, really like her.
My new female colleague told me to wait for her to text me because "she clearly wants to communicate with you and no woman can keep this silence up for long... if you want to win, you have to play the game" (paraphrazing here). Though I have gotten different opinions as well ("If you have to play games, then it is not gonna last anyway").
Basically my biggest fear is that I am being played with and chase something where there is nothing. But maybe my pride is just getting the better of me.
Anyway, I am writing this down to organize my thoughts and maybe get some different perspectives. That would be much appreciated. She’s into you but not enough to do long distance. Not much you can do other than offer to move closer, and even that may backfire.
Yeah I would advise against changing location just for the possibility of a relationship 
I don't get this "hard to get" stuff though. Both people want to talk to each other, but they don't, because they think playing hard to get somehow increases their chances?
Dude if you wanna talk to her, talk to her.
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On December 12 2018 06:45 LemOn wrote:Yeah cause lasting long is soo important
It is in a ONS or FWB kinda situation. Not so much in a relationship. I mean there are enough ways to make a girl happy, but sometimes a girl just wants to be hammered into oblivion.
Going for a second (or even third) round is my go to fix for these kinda problems. Another one is alcohol, always helps me lasting longer. Just don't go overboard or there will be no sexing at all 
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I think his rationale is more of a "I want to see her commitment to me before I fully commit to her, by her initiating conversations".
It's a strange conundrum for men as the courting game has put the ball firmly on the men's side for so long (only now it's being challenged I feel, or in the past very rarely stereotypes were broken) that women sometimes don't even try to put in the minimal effort of reciprocating at the start of it all. It might be a subtle psychological thing, it might be a huge trend, it might even be anecdotal and totally false on my end. I know that LemOn et al; give the advice of waiting for her to send first or for her to apply whenever she feels like it, but I wonder in how many cases women actually send first if they're interested.
Actually, it would be a good meta-study to see how modern courtship is performed between the two parties, how communication works (who initiates, who sends out more signals, ...) and if those parameters can be used to predict outcome of partnership.
Fun and a not-to-the-point question: when (casually) meeting people irl, how often do you ask for their name? I feel like social media has changed our habits so much that this simple thing like introducing oneself (or asking for a name because the person seems interesting) has been weeded (for lack of a better term) out of us.
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Uldridge got it right. I even told her on the phone that I wish she would just call me for once. Even a random text message "How are you" would do the trick (I did not tell her that) and finally I just got annoyed.
Normally I am way more in the camp of Laurens ("Dude if you wanna talk to her, talk to her."). After one week of self-observation I realized again how much I do not enjoy these games, The whole situation is a hail mary anyway.
I finally texted her and haven't heard back yet. I gues I'll know soon enough.
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See the thing is initially I'd ask women out once per week ish Or whenever it's convenient for me
And just keep doing that and believe me most of the time they'll start reaching out in-between sooner or after a few weeks.
I actually realised recently that if they don't it's simply a red flag, she's likely structured and holds back on communication on purpose etc. Or she's not that into you.
I'm actually now judging women more rationally based on their actions and in my limited and busy social life I've built up (see my previous posts after a breakup) where I just have to cut out people and activities for a date someone putting in the effort will just win my time and I'll go out with way more likely than someone with higher attraction who doesn't.
It's just insane how a simple "Hi how are you"text from her after an awkward date when you were nervous but she likes you makes things so much easier and the whole dating process effortless - you ask her out again, she tells you when she's free you set the time and place and things just keep going smoothly without even trying much.
And it's also an indication how good of a communicator she's going to be down the line in a relationship as well
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On December 13 2018 20:51 Harris1st wrote:Show nested quote +On December 12 2018 06:45 LemOn wrote:Yeah cause lasting long is soo important It is in a ONS or FWB kinda situation. Not so much in a relationship. I mean there are enough ways to make a girl happy, but sometimes a girl just wants to be hammered into oblivion. Going for a second (or even third) round is my go to fix for these kinda problems. Another one is alcohol, always helps me lasting longer. Just don't go overboard or there will be no sexing at all
I mean short of a disfunction surely you can go a 2nd time if you go too fast the 1st time right
Also a thing I'm realising that focusing on orgasms is just counter productive, it's more about the whole connection and orgasm is just one of the parts of the whole experience.
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On December 13 2018 22:30 Malinor wrote:
Uldridge got it right. I even told her on the phone that I wish she would just call me for once. Even a random text message "How are you" would do the trick (I did not tell her that) and finally I just got annoyed.
Normally I am way more in the camp of Laurens ("Dude if you wanna talk to her, talk to her."). After one week of self-observation I realized again how much I do not enjoy these games, The whole situation is a hail mary anyway.
I finally texted her and haven't heard back yet. I gues I'll know soon enough.
I was thinking about this
And next time I date someone like that
If I'd give them my time of day that is
Who isn't reaching out first after weeks yet everything else is going well
Is just grab my balls and directly and firmly call them out on that if they are thinking about me and miss me they just have to let me know so I know that or it's not going to work out. You can't really complain about the person if you haven't done that, you either do that
Accept that you always initiate and don't see her very often
Or realise this isn't what you want, you want an effortless dating and relationship and you move on
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On December 13 2018 20:51 Harris1st wrote:Show nested quote +On December 12 2018 06:45 LemOn wrote:Yeah cause lasting long is soo important It is in a ONS or FWB kinda situation. Not so much in a relationship. I mean there are enough ways to make a girl happy, but sometimes a girl just wants to be hammered into oblivion. Going for a second (or even third) round is my go to fix for these kinda problems. Another one is alcohol, always helps me lasting longer. Just don't go overboard or there will be no sexing at all
I’ve never had problems with alcohol before. That’d suck if it started happening all of a sudden
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It's always interesting to come back to this thread every couple years, and to realize it'll probably outlive me.
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On December 16 2018 17:27 Metalreflux wrote:
It's always interesting to come back to this thread every couple years, and to realize it'll probably outlive me.
Wowie, it's OP 
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Hahaha Papa dating came to visit :D
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A positive update from my side. After ~7 months of being single I'm now in a relationship again. Being single wasn't nearly as bad as I remember it being tbh. Last time I was 23, now I was 26/27. My self-confidence has increased a lot, I have more cash/time, my own car etc. Dating has become a lot easier as a result. I also started using Tinder, which is pretty amazing.
Went on dates with 10 different girls in the end, the 10th one was the one
Definitely had plenty of frustrations along the way. One of the dates was a complete disaster. With all other girls I had at least a 2nd date so that's not terrible. Sometimes there were feelings from my side but not theirs, sometimes the other way around.
A small tip I can give is to look for bars where you can sit next to each other instead of opposite, I find it much easier to escalate physical contact that way. Just put your arm around her (not too awkwardly ) and see how she reacts. If you're sitting opposite each other it's so hard to escalate stuff, puts too much pressure on the goodbye imo. I started going to bars with cosy benches and first dates went a lot better.
And just keep at it I guess. Sometimes you get discouraged but the only solution is to keep swiping and keep going on dates
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Met up with my climbing date for a second time. We baked some "lussebullar" at my place which turned out pretty bad since we (mostly her) forgot the sugar. Had to dip them in sugar afterwards lol.
Then we watched a movie and eventually had sex. I actually lasted way longer than I thought I would. I'm impressed by myself. Not sure if I will fall for her though. She is from Germany and while she speaks Swedish, I feel like we don't really click on a deep level, at least so far.
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the girl I had a crush on did the thing where they mix "my boyfriend" into a random conversation...
Weird thing I notice is, I somehow like the "idea" of her more then actual, her. You know, I think and fantasize about her but when I suddenly see her I get confused, like, "is this the girl I was thinking about this morning?" :D She is still cute and warm but the image in my head is somehow a lot more attractive.
The thing I'm attracted about her is, she's warm, and compassionate, she bakes things and brings them to work, speaks in a shy and soft way, and doesn't seem to have a big ego like most of the girls around here. The first thing pops in my mind when I think about her, is not passion or excitement but peace and warmth. And the latter two feels a lot better than the former for me.
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1) You don't like her, you like the idea of her.
2) She has a boyfriend.
So, just forget about her (romantically)?
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I've been confused by this one girl, I've been trying to figure her out. Note this whole story is from a while back.
Earlier this year I met her through some friends, got her number, asked her out for dinner and drinks. We had some good conversation, made her laugh, we hugged goodnight. I go on a 2nd and 3rd date with her, and it's a similar situation, good time, but she always claims she has something to do after the date - gym, work whatever. I take this as "I'm not ready to sleep with you yet". No big deal, I think. On the 4th get-together, we have a few too many drinks, and I'm trying to escalate. She asks "where do you see us going" I say I am interested in her romantically, as more than a friend. She says she sees me as a drinking buddy only, and leaves pretty soon after, and seems slightly angry/upset with me.
Fast forward 2-3 months. She starts texting me to hang out again, which we do a few times. I don't try anything at this point and as far as I can tell she doesn't give me any signals. We have some mutual friends and hang out in a group sometimes. One night she texts me at midnight on a Thursday - I am already in bed - to go get drinks. I say it's too late and I'm sleepy, but she should come over on Saturday because I'm having friends over to my apartment to drink. (was this a missed opportunity?)
That saturday she comes over, i introduce her to a bunch of my friends, we all get drunk on some strong cocktails I've made and go out to a bar. After a bit I go have a chat with one group and when I come back to where she's at, see her making out with my male friend. They leave together like 15 mins later. The next morning she texts me saying "I can't believe I went home with (friend) last night, I was so drunk lol". I feel pretty badly and rejected but play along like it was nothing. I realize that I've had feelings for her all along.
We meet up again a few days later, she asks about my friend saying they might hang again, what is he like etc. I don't say anything bad. Long story short she finds out things she does not like about him, but keeps having him over anyway to hook up. He then tries to date her instead of just making it a hook-up, and she stops the relationship once she realizes he wants to actually date her.
When I talk to her again about it, she says she does not want a relationship, she only wants someone to have sex with. She also says she never wants children and doesn't want to get married. We spend a lot of time then talking about relationships and sex etc. She asks for very detailed info like, how many people have I made out with, what kind of things did I do with previous gfs in bed. We have too many drinks again and I say I'm also looking for someone to have sex with and then I make the mistake of suggesting that we go back to my apartment. She gets very mad at me for suggesting this and storms off. I can understand if she's not into me at all, but I don't get her attitude. I have a strong impression that she's lying to me about what she wants, and maybe also lying to herself about it. Anyone ever experience someone like this? I just don't get her and it's nagging at me.
Dealing with her reminds me of this Joji song:
+ Show Spoiler +
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seems like she keeps you around just to entertain herself and boost her confidence.
youre in the friendzone and seems to me shes one of those textbook slags that treat men as toys.
shes made it evident that she has no use for men in her life because shes not interested in long term partners or having a family therefore the only value men provide to her is entertainment.
the fact that she knows you were interested in her romantically but would then go and hook up with your friend and nonchalantly talk about him with you is just being her being a bitch tbh. theres no way shes so ignorant to the point that she wouldnt realise youre not the best person to be speaking about your friend with.
and lastly the fact that she hasnt made any "moves" on you or agreed to even just hook up (which is the only thing shes interested in with guys apparently) just means she has zero interest in you sexually.
id wager a guess that youre right about her lying to herself, but not about what she wants but who she is. the impression you got from her is that shes open to hooking up with a number of guys as long as its all no strings attached (ie a slag). but when you suggest it to her she probably didnt want to admit to herself that the above is true and so rejected you to protect her pride or something. thats my take on it, although ill admit i am a pretty conservative guy.
cut her loose would be my opinion. unless you think shes a person that provides so much value in your life even at a platonic level, i dont see why you should give yourself headaches over a woman like that.
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Question for the thread veterans: any time someone has started a post with "this girl confuses me", has the answer ever *not* been "she's just not that into you"?
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Don’t think so, that looks accurate to me lol
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EPT
