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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On November 26 2018 16:53 LemOn wrote:Show nested quote +On November 25 2018 23:03 Broetchenholer wrote:
Now i am curious, what makes you think that the gym is a place with above average dating pool? Like, the only thing associated with a gym for me are people who are very concerned about their looks, want to show those looks off and are not interested enough in real sports to just do those. This to me is the definition of shallow people. Granted i myself have a very negative opinion of gyms and therefore tend to not understand people that go there, but why would you believe the people there are above average? People that go to the gym regularly have discipline, are healthier and people who exercise are more positive in general because of the working out (it's science) and healthier eating associated with it. So yeah a gym goer will automatically be above average. I like not having any hard rules, just be yourself live your life according to your integrity. Having said that, I rarely talk to people in the gym besides the locker room, and dont see how I can physically ever talk to people with headphones blasting and me in the zone during my workout where I barely even notice people and look like a madman
I'm really sceptical that a man will gain infinitely more matches on dating apps by lifting weights and transforming his body into that of a stereotypical jock.
I have a friend who is about 2 stone heavier than me, in his mid thirties, doesn't bother working out at all, barely goes out to meet people outside of his family, is quite asocial and is a bit of a nerd. He's had far better luck than me on apps like Bumble, Tinder and Happn.
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On December 02 2018 03:09 Clbull wrote:Show nested quote +On November 26 2018 16:53 LemOn wrote:On November 25 2018 23:03 Broetchenholer wrote:
Now i am curious, what makes you think that the gym is a place with above average dating pool? Like, the only thing associated with a gym for me are people who are very concerned about their looks, want to show those looks off and are not interested enough in real sports to just do those. This to me is the definition of shallow people. Granted i myself have a very negative opinion of gyms and therefore tend to not understand people that go there, but why would you believe the people there are above average? People that go to the gym regularly have discipline, are healthier and people who exercise are more positive in general because of the working out (it's science) and healthier eating associated with it. So yeah a gym goer will automatically be above average. I like not having any hard rules, just be yourself live your life according to your integrity. Having said that, I rarely talk to people in the gym besides the locker room, and dont see how I can physically ever talk to people with headphones blasting and me in the zone during my workout where I barely even notice people and look like a madman I'm really sceptical that a man will gain infinitely more matches on dating apps by lifting weights and transforming his body into that of a stereotypical jock. I have a friend who is about 2 stone heavier than me, in his mid thirties, doesn't bother working out at all, barely goes out to meet people outside of his family, is quite asocial and is a bit of a nerd. He's had far better luck than me on apps like Bumble, Tinder and Happn.
Face is still going to play a huge role. How you show that body also matters. Morevoer, just having some muscle on your body isn't all that special. All the magic happens between about 8-12% BF range. If you're 14% you don't look much better than someone who is 20% (range that most younger guys are in). If you get to where you're 8-10%, have abs, and have some good natural shirtless/beach type pics that's where it becomes a huge advantage.
If you don't have abs and you don't have pics of you shirtless, I'm not surprised your friend has better luck than you. Muscle + lean(abs) + natural shirtless setting is the difference maker. An average guy with an average body will get very few matches on dating apps. An average guy with great pics will get a few matches. An average guy with a top tier body and decent pics will get quite a few matches.
Picture quality is also huge, it's likely your buddy is either much better looking than you, or has much better pictures than you do.
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On December 02 2018 02:09 geokilla wrote:
I told the girl I'm interested in that we need to talk and I'll be seeing her later today. It's been over a month since I've last seen her, texting has slowed immensely. I've tried asking her out but each time she doesn't confirm or reject me. She just kinds of leaves it hanging or says "next time." I know she's busy with work and school, and she's said over text that she's interested, but her actions the past month is telling me otherwise.
This is probably not a wise move but I don't want to waste anymore time if she's not interested. I'm persistent and not one to give up easily but I want a clear answer.
Small chance she is interested, but just extremely busy. This happens on some occasions. More likely option is that she just isn't interested.
Either way, situation is handled the same. Basically just tell her something along the lines of what Lemon said "finish XYZ and let me know when schedule frees up." Then move on and forget about it. If she contacts you a month or three later...awesome. If not, you're not worrying about it or wasting energy on it.
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I'm looking for some advice of my own right now.
I came out of a long distance relationship with a girl that lived halfway across the world two months ago. To cut a long story short, things went from being really close and sexual between us, to her making an excuse to bail out on a date and dumping me a few days after we finally closed the gap and met in person. We're not friends anymore, because when I tried talking to her about how I felt about the breakup, she gave me a really harsh response about how there was no hope to me and broke off the friendship entirely. I feel like she led me on and/or used me..
I've been trying ever since to meet someone else and get over her but I'm having zero luck on any dating site I use. I've been using PlentyOfFish, Tinder, Bumble, Happn, Hinge and Coffee Meets Bagel.
I don't know what's wrong with me or why I can't get girls to date me. I've tried many profile descriptions where I've either seriously laid down what I'm looking for or tried to be funny. It feels like nothing I write makes a difference.
I have tried using Photofeeler to get honest feedback about my photos and every single photo I upload gets shot down massively in ratings. I've tried ones where I smile, where I don't smile, where I'm reading a book, where I'm making direct eye contact, ones with different hairstyles, different locations, etc. I have even tried to take the site's advice of using a tripod to take some of these photos and make them seem less like selfies.
My lowest rated photo is rated 3.6/10 Attractiveness and my highest is a 5. Most of the comments I get say that I look timid, that my smiles looks fake/forced, that I look intense (on any photo where I'm not smiling.) Even one of my cleanest and best-lit photos only got a 4.2 Attractiveness.
On most of these dating sites, I rarely get replies whenever I send the first message. Those that do reply to me stop replying after one or two messages, like it's something I typed that just turned them off. Even though I've gotten five numbers from girls on POF in these past two months, they've almost immediately ghosted me on WhatsApp - and they've always flaked on ever meeting up for a date.
I don't know what to do. The situation's making me feel undesirable and is just making me hate online dating even more.
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On December 02 2018 04:01 Clbull wrote:
I'm looking for some advice of my own right now.
I came out of a long distance relationship with a girl that lived halfway across the world two months ago. To cut a long story short, things went from being really close and sexual between us, to her making an excuse to bail out on a date and dumping me a few days after we finally closed the gap and met in person. We're not friends anymore, because when I tried talking to her about how I felt about the breakup, she gave me a really harsh response about how there was no hope to me and broke off the friendship entirely. I feel like she led me on and/or used me..
I've been trying ever since to meet someone else and get over her but I'm having zero luck on any dating site I use. I've been using PlentyOfFish, Tinder, Bumble, Happn, Hinge and Coffee Meets Bagel.
I don't know what's wrong with me or why I can't get girls to date me. I've tried many profile descriptions where I've either seriously laid down what I'm looking for or tried to be funny. It feels like nothing I write makes a difference.
I have tried using Photofeeler to get honest feedback about my photos and every single photo I upload gets shot down massively in ratings. I've tried ones where I smile, where I don't smile, where I'm reading a book, where I'm making direct eye contact, ones with different hairstyles, different locations, etc. I have even tried to take the site's advice of using a tripod to take some of these photos and make them seem less like selfies.
My lowest rated photo is rated 3.6/10 Attractiveness and my highest is a 5. Most of the comments I get say that I look timid, that my smiles looks fake/forced, that I look intense (on any photo where I'm not smiling.) Even one of my cleanest and best-lit photos only got a 4.2 Attractiveness.
On most of these dating sites, I rarely get replies whenever I send the first message. Those that do reply to me stop replying after one or two messages, like it's something I typed that just turned them off. Even though I've gotten five numbers from girls on POF in these past two months, they've almost immediately ghosted me on WhatsApp - and they've always flaked on ever meeting up for a date.
I don't know what to do. The situation's making me feel undesirable and is just making me hate online dating even more.
Post your best photos. Let's see what they look like and get you moving in the right directions.
If you're getting killed with online dating it's definitely a photo's issue. Description/profile hardly matters at all.
I came out of a long distance relationship with a girl that lived halfway across the world two months ago. To cut a long story short, things went from being really close and sexual between us, to her making an excuse to bail out on a date and dumping me a few days after we finally closed the gap and met in person. We're not friends anymore, because when I tried talking to her about how I felt about the breakup, she gave me a really harsh response about how there was no hope to me and broke off the friendship entirely. I feel like she led me on and/or used me..
Did you guys know what the other person looked like going into the meeting? I've seen sometimes in LDR where this happens and neither knows what they look like. Other option is that you guys had built up this strong, sexual frame and then when you met up the way you acted wasn't the same as that frame you had set and she lost interest.
On most of these dating sites, I rarely get replies whenever I send the first message. Those that do reply to me stop replying after one or two messages, like it's something I typed that just turned them off. Even though I've gotten five numbers from girls on POF in these past two months, they've almost immediately ghosted me on WhatsApp - and they've always flaked on ever meeting up for a date.
They stop replying because they get hundreds of messages a day in many cases and you get buried. It's likely a combination of you not having the best pics combined with perhaps not the best messaging strategy. If you're pics are really good she will put in more effort.
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Did you guys know what the other person looked like going into the meeting? I've seen sometimes in LDR where this happens and neither knows what they look like. Other option is that you guys had built up this strong, sexual frame and then when you met up the way you acted wasn't the same as that frame you had set and she lost interest.
Yes. We shared photos of each other and we video called on a near weekly basis. I can assure you it wasn't a catfish thing. She looked the way that she did when we met, and I looked the way that I did.
I wasn't really flirty during the two dates and the trip from the airport we actually shared together and I think apart from hugging and holding hands, we didn't do a lot. There was a reason for this. When she arrived in England, she travelled with a classmate who was also going to study at her university. She told me specifically not to kiss her in front of her classmate because it might embarrass her.
Our first date went pretty well and she did text "goodnight my love" when she went to sleep that night. The second date was the one that didn't go so well. My guess is that my fear of heights turned her off so much that she ditched me.
If you're getting killed with online dating it's definitely a photo's issue. Description/profile hardly matters at all.
Before the breakup, I actually had long hair, and decided to cut it a few weeks after.
As for photos, here are some of the ones I currently use:
My 5.0 rated one:
https://photofeeler.s3.amazonaws.com/photos/p1jarnv3y8z34oso.jpg
My 4.0 rated one:
https://photofeeler.s3.amazonaws.com/photos/p1lhqap53vq9woo0.jpg
My 3.7 rated one:
https://photofeeler.s3.amazonaws.com/photos/p37gudbziv20448k.jpg
Taking good photos is really hard, especially when you don't hang out with mates who take a lot of photos.
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On December 02 2018 04:26 Clbull wrote:Show nested quote +Did you guys know what the other person looked like going into the meeting? I've seen sometimes in LDR where this happens and neither knows what they look like. Other option is that you guys had built up this strong, sexual frame and then when you met up the way you acted wasn't the same as that frame you had set and she lost interest. Yes. We shared photos and we video called on a near weekly basis. I can assure you it wasn't a catfish thing. I wasn't really flirty or sexual during the dates we actually had. There was a reason for this. When she came here, she travelled with a classmate who was also going to her university. My guess is said classmate didn't like me and told her to break it off. Show nested quote +If you're getting killed with online dating it's definitely a photo's issue. Description/profile hardly matters at all. As for photos, here are some of the ones I used: My 5.0 rated one: https://photofeeler.s3.amazonaws.com/photos/p1jarnv3y8z34oso.jpgMy 4.0 rated one: https://photofeeler.s3.amazonaws.com/photos/p1lhqap53vq9woo0.jpgMy 3.7 rated one: https://photofeeler.s3.amazonaws.com/photos/p37gudbziv20448k.jpg
First good thing is you're definitely not ugly. You're not super attractive either. This means that if you want to do well online your photos need to be GOOD. Because of the availability of people and the number of messages, women really only respond to the upper 25% of people, and especially the upper 10%. Average guy, average photos = only very rare responses with girls who you really happen to be "their type" and see you as a point or two higher than the average girl sees you.
Moral is you NEED great photos. Otherwise forget online. Or go get a 10/10 body and use that, you'd be getting plenty of matches if you had a 10/10 lean, athletic body.
The 3.7 one is a terrible dating website pic, you have a really awkward expression that's doing you no favors. To me it's screaming nerd and a bit awkward, and not in a good way.
The 4.0 one is not in the greatest lighting. It's also just a random selfie, in what looks to me like a mediocre quality area.
The 5.0 photo is encouraging. You look more towards attractive than unattractive here, especially your eyes. However, it's another selfie in poor lighting. It's got shadows all over your face, which rarely works great unless you just have an amazing face or want a very particularly look. It's also a generic selfie in a boring, at home setting.
The most common lighting this is good for people is more or less direct natural, natural light. Think standing at a window where the sunlight is streaming in, or with direct bright lighting evenly on your face, ala a classic photo studio portrait look. These tend to give your skin a nice, vibrant look and have good even lighting that won't emphasizes "flaws" or asymmetry.
At best, you need to play around with angles, figure out a good angle or two for you, and find some great lighting and take some solid, non selfie photos. A better options would be to go to a professional photographer, or student, and take a couple hundred photos and take the best two or three. Perhaps one of you dressed nice, one dressed casual, and one doing something fun or social.
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I used the 3.7 one because I wanted a body shot I guess. The awkward expression is also why I rarely if ever smile in photos. I can't really smile genuinely without it looking awkward a f.
The 4.0 one is an admittingly dark photo and has been slammed on Photofeeler because people called it serious and creepy. These comments have been on any photo where I haven't been smiling, regardless of lighting.
The 5.0 one is one that did surprisingly well at first because it was a selfie, but this one plateaued at a 5.0. It got rated far more highly in the Trustworthy and Smart areas. It's currently at 6.3 Smart and 8.0 in Trustworthy.
I don't know any photography students and part of me feels like a professional photo shoot would be a bit overkill for a dating profile.
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On December 02 2018 04:58 Clbull wrote:
I used the 3.7 one because I wanted a body shot I guess. The awkward expression is also why I rarely if ever smile in photos. I can't really smile genuinely without it looking awkward a f.
The 4.0 one is an admittingly dark photo and has been slammed on Photofeeler because people called it serious and creepy. These comments have been on any photo where I haven't been smiling, regardless of lighting.
The 5.0 one is one that did surprisingly well at first because it was a selfie, but this one plateaued at a 5.0. It got rated far more highly in the Trustworthy and Smart areas. It's currently at 6.3 Smart and 8.0 in Trustworthy.
I don't know any photography students.
You don't have a great body, so there is no advantage to a body shot. If you're body is bad, I wouldn't show it at all. Not you, so doesn't apply. If it's neutral, then it doesn't matter. If you have a great body, then you want to include it. My body is about 15lbs away from being great, so I'm not currently using it either.
Here is a simple example showing lighting:
![[image loading]](https://i.imgur.com/nn97WK8.jpg)
One was taken randomly in a hall in my house, the other was taken standing near a window facing the sun. The sunglight makes the eyes pop a little more, casts favorable shadows, and makes skin tone look much healthier. Anything with very direct, forward facing lighting is usually good. Also, a very subtle jutting of your face forward can emphasize jawline, as can a subtle undereye squint for eyes.
I can't really smile genuinely without it looking awkward a f.
The 4.0 one is an admittingly dark photo and has been slammed on Photofeeler because people called it serious and creepy. These comments have been on any photo where I haven't been smiling, regardless of lighting.
The 5.0 one is one that did surprisingly well at first because it was a selfie, but this one plateaued at a 5.0. It got rated far more highly in the Trustworthy and Smart areas. It's currently at 6.3 Smart and 8.0 in Trustworthy.
Dude, your smile in 5.0 photo is fine! If you really want a good smile pic, just video yourself and go through a bunch of smiles or laugh a bit, then go by frame by frame and find one where it's good.
4.0 photo is creepy I think less because of you and more because of the setting. You seem oddly isolated, the lighting isn't good, and some other intangibles I can't put my finger on. Creepy is ALWAYS bad. If you ever hear that about a photo don't use it.
Serious, on the other hand, is not inherently bad. However, you have a decent smile when you get it, so if you want to include a pic of you smiling that's not a bad thing. Trustworthiness and Smart aren't that important. I've put up some serious pics that score terrible on smart/trustworthy but match like crazy.
I don't know any photography students and part of me feels like a professional photo shoot would be a bit overkill for a dating profile.
Would it be overkill for a job application or business card? Same idea with dating, it's your application for a potential partner. You absolutely must look good for online dating if you want matches and conversations to go somewhere. If you don't know how to make yourself look good and stand out, then you need someone to help you.
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LMaster, I can only be so hard first thing in the morning ;D
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Ok, so in addition to what L_Master said, what do you do?
Being good looking is definitely the largest part of it, but if you're not a model or extremely attractive, you should do your best to sell your personality. Not through your bio, but through your pictures.
All of your photos are of you standing around, not really doing anything. It doesn't tell me anything about what kind of person you are, what your hobbies are, what kinda lifestyle you live, etc etc. Do you play sports? Do you play an instrument? Do you like to cook? Is your work interesting? I have nothing to go on, and it gives off a bit of a boring vibe.
In addition to good lighting and angles, setting and context are super important. Inside your house, unless you've got a really nice setup at your place? A bit boring. Standing at your window with nothing interesting going on in the background? Kinda boring. You standing next to a beautiful Fall tree with myriad colors? Pretty neat, looks cool. Shot of you doing some painting at your place? Okay, that says something about this guy. Pretty cool.
Remember, on a dating website (and even in real life), you're not just selling your looks. You're selling your whole self. You're selling your personality, your quirks, your positive traits, your looks, and so on. What are you bringing to the table vs hundreds of other dudes on these websites? What are you presenting to wow people?
Honestly, before seriously going into online dating, it really helps to figure things out about yourself. What kind of person do you want to be? What do you like? What do you aspire to be?
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Dark Chill makes great points, especially his first paragraph that sets up the rest.
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On December 02 2018 02:09 geokilla wrote:
I told the girl I'm interested in that we need to talk and I'll be seeing her later today. It's been over a month since I've last seen her, texting has slowed immensely. I've tried asking her out but each time she doesn't confirm or reject me. She just kinds of leaves it hanging or says "next time." I know she's busy with work and school, and she's said over text that she's interested, but her actions the past month is telling me otherwise.
This is probably not a wise move but I don't want to waste anymore time if she's not interested. I'm persistent and not one to give up easily but I want a clear answer.
She gave you a clear answer, she's not interested right now 
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A tip for photos: buy a tripod they are like 10 bucks, selflies suck
And get some noise basic photo editor
Like pixlr
And always hit "autofix" and then play with filters +vibrance
+add focal to subtly blurr the background unless you had a pro camera with face focus (iPhone X does that too)
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On December 02 2018 04:26 Clbull wrote:Show nested quote +Did you guys know what the other person looked like going into the meeting? I've seen sometimes in LDR where this happens and neither knows what they look like. Other option is that you guys had built up this strong, sexual frame and then when you met up the way you acted wasn't the same as that frame you had set and she lost interest. Yes. We shared photos of each other and we video called on a near weekly basis. I can assure you it wasn't a catfish thing. She looked the way that she did when we met, and I looked the way that I did. I wasn't really flirty during the two dates and the trip from the airport we actually shared together and I think apart from hugging and holding hands, we didn't do a lot. There was a reason for this. When she arrived in England, she travelled with a classmate who was also going to study at her university. She told me specifically not to kiss her in front of her classmate because it might embarrass her. Our first date went pretty well and she did text "goodnight my love" when she went to sleep that night. The second date was the one that didn't go so well. My guess is that my fear of heights turned her off so much that she ditched me. Show nested quote +If you're getting killed with online dating it's definitely a photo's issue. Description/profile hardly matters at all. Before the breakup, I actually had long hair, and decided to cut it a few weeks after. As for photos, here are some of the ones I currently use: My 5.0 rated one: https://photofeeler.s3.amazonaws.com/photos/p1jarnv3y8z34oso.jpgMy 4.0 rated one: https://photofeeler.s3.amazonaws.com/photos/p1lhqap53vq9woo0.jpgMy 3.7 rated one: https://photofeeler.s3.amazonaws.com/photos/p37gudbziv20448k.jpgTaking good photos is really hard, especially when you don't hang out with mates who take a lot of photos.
Grow a solid beard (if that is an option for you)
Doesn't have to be a full on viking beard. Pretty much any beard these days makes you look more interesting/ dangerous / mysterious to girls these days
Helped me triple my likes on Tinder
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On December 03 2018 21:12 Harris1st wrote:Show nested quote +On December 02 2018 04:26 Clbull wrote:Did you guys know what the other person looked like going into the meeting? I've seen sometimes in LDR where this happens and neither knows what they look like. Other option is that you guys had built up this strong, sexual frame and then when you met up the way you acted wasn't the same as that frame you had set and she lost interest. Yes. We shared photos of each other and we video called on a near weekly basis. I can assure you it wasn't a catfish thing. She looked the way that she did when we met, and I looked the way that I did. I wasn't really flirty during the two dates and the trip from the airport we actually shared together and I think apart from hugging and holding hands, we didn't do a lot. There was a reason for this. When she arrived in England, she travelled with a classmate who was also going to study at her university. She told me specifically not to kiss her in front of her classmate because it might embarrass her. Our first date went pretty well and she did text "goodnight my love" when she went to sleep that night. The second date was the one that didn't go so well. My guess is that my fear of heights turned her off so much that she ditched me. If you're getting killed with online dating it's definitely a photo's issue. Description/profile hardly matters at all. Before the breakup, I actually had long hair, and decided to cut it a few weeks after. As for photos, here are some of the ones I currently use: My 5.0 rated one: https://photofeeler.s3.amazonaws.com/photos/p1jarnv3y8z34oso.jpgMy 4.0 rated one: https://photofeeler.s3.amazonaws.com/photos/p1lhqap53vq9woo0.jpgMy 3.7 rated one: https://photofeeler.s3.amazonaws.com/photos/p37gudbziv20448k.jpgTaking good photos is really hard, especially when you don't hang out with mates who take a lot of photos. Grow a solid beard (if that is an option for you) Doesn't have to be a full on viking beard. Pretty much any beard these days makes you look more interesting/ dangerous / mysterious to girls these days Helped me triple my likes on Tinder
Not bad!!
What works sorta depends on your face though. If you have a very good jawline and cheekbones, a full beard will probably hurt you a little in terms of overall attractiveness. Clean shaven or perhaps the "heavy stubble" look works best for these people.
If that isn't you, and especially if you're a little heavyset, a good beard trimmed the right away can make a big difference.
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I find beards really a personal thing that you shouldn't change, and do what feels right for you - and growing it just for photos is maybe a lil' off when you then meet women without it?
But then again I was online dating for like 4 days last time around and meet people IRL just so I can be my real self more
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On December 04 2018 04:27 LemOn wrote:I find beards really a personal thing that you shouldn't change, and do what feels right for you - and growing it just for photos is maybe a lil' off when you then meet women without it? But then again I was online dating for like 4 days last time around and meet people IRL just so I can be my real self more
I agree. Growing it just for photos seems silly to me. Or growing it to look one way even if you don't like the bearded look
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Suit yourselves. I will never ever clean shave again 
Beard is love, beard is life
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Dear lord. People are extra flakey this time of year.
Had a date planned for today, confirmed it was still on yesterday, I ask her at what time she will be ready, no response. I kind of expect people to flake nowadays.
The only thing I think sucks about it is that I had another girl ask if I was free today, but since I had planned the other date I said I was busy. And when I finally decided I cant be arsed to wait anymore, she was already heading home We have a date lined up for saturday going climbing though!
The other girl I was mentioning the other day responded, just with the usual "im sick, been focusing on work... maybe next week?". I just reiterated that she should let me know when she feels like going on a date, I don't expect to hear from her again. There is so little interest from her side, my interest dies out at that point.
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EPT
