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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on. Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments. Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. | ||
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kaykaykay
Singapore637 Posts
She invited me to her yoga class, and seems really interested when we hung out. We went drinking after and she clinged onto my arms on the way home, started massaging my hair etc. At this point in time, i do notice some mutual attraction going on. Thing is she's attached and I don't really want an ambiguous relationship. I do find her attractive though, what should I do? | ||
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Simberto
Germany11686 Posts
In that case, i would suggest being very clear. If you are interested in her in a way that you would be fine with her giving up her previous relationship, tell her that in very clear terms. Honesty is important, and if she is attached, the only thing that is in any way fair to everyone involved is for her to break up her previous relationship before starting one with you. If you do not want that, or she does not want that, then that is that. Cheating sucks, and i don't think you should ever be the person that someone cheats with. A bit of sex is simply not worth compromising your own ethics that much. | ||
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L_Master
United States8017 Posts
On December 06 2018 07:38 Simberto wrote: I assume with "attached" you mean that she is in a relationship? In that case, i would suggest being very clear. If you are interested in her in a way that you would be fine with her giving up her previous relationship, tell her that in very clear terms. Honesty is important, and if she is attached, the only thing that is in any way fair to everyone involved is for her to break up her previous relationship before starting one with you. If you do not want that, or she does not want that, then that is that. Cheating sucks, and i don't think you should ever be the person that someone cheats with. A bit of sex is simply not worth compromising your own ethics that much. This, of course, is personal ethics being discussed but for me if you date someone and they cheat I don't think that's unethical for you. The other person is cheating, not you. That's between their morals and them. I wouldn't personally aggressively pursue someone I knew was involved in a serious relationship, even more so if married. If it's a more casual or newer relationship I wouldn't have a problem. Then of course actually cheating yourself (promising monogamy and then not upholding that) is absolutely wrong. I absolutely agree with your last line though. Don't compromise your own ethics. If you think it's wrong...don't do it. If you think it's okay, go for it. | ||
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Harris1st
Germany7021 Posts
On December 06 2018 07:58 L_Master wrote: This, of course, is personal ethics being discussed but for me if you date someone and they cheat I don't think that's unethical for you. The other person is cheating, not you. That's between their morals and them. I wouldn't personally aggressively pursue someone I knew was involved in a serious relationship, even more so if married. If it's a more casual or newer relationship I wouldn't have a problem. Then of course actually cheating yourself (promising monogamy and then not upholding that) is absolutely wrong. I absolutely agree with your last line though. Don't compromise your own ethics. If you think it's wrong...don't do it. If you think it's okay, go for it. Dunno. In my experience when she cheats with you on her boyfriend/ husband/ whatever you can expect her to cheat on you with the next best guy. Once a cheater, always a cheater | ||
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Salazarz
Korea (South)2591 Posts
This, of course, is personal ethics being discussed but for me if you date someone and they cheat I don't think that's unethical for you. The other person is cheating, not you. That's between their morals and them. This is pretty silly. If you're okay sleeping with someone who is in another supposedly monogamous relationship, you're essentially accepting that cheating is totally fine and you're okay with it. Which some people are okay with, but trying to take the moral high ground by saying "I'm not the one cheating, it's the person I'm sleeping with" is kinda ridiculous. And if you're looking for more than a fling, the 'success rate' for relationship that start off as affairs is in single digits, and it's really not hard to figure out why. | ||
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kaykaykay
Singapore637 Posts
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evilfatsh1t
Australia8778 Posts
On December 06 2018 20:52 kaykaykay wrote: Thanks for the responses, like i said, i'm very clear what i'm looking for and an ambiguous relationship is off the plate. even though she's very attractive and has hinted at sex. you could just go for the one night bang if you dont wanna give her the talk and risk her walking away. something may be better than nothing depending on your values heh | ||
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L_Master
United States8017 Posts
On December 06 2018 18:56 Harris1st wrote: Dunno. In my experience when she cheats with you on her boyfriend/ husband/ whatever you can expect her to cheat on you with the next best guy. Once a cheater, always a cheater You're not wrong. I talked about this a bunch earlier. Cheating rates are very high anyway, somewhere around 70-80% are the estimated I've seen and cited from literature. So for me I don't really stress about it, and assume there is a good chance I will get cheated on. You either date non monagamously with an open relationship where cheating doesn't exist, accept there is a good chance you will get cheated on, or turn a blind eye and hope that your relationship is different. | ||
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L_Master
United States8017 Posts
On December 06 2018 19:20 Salazarz wrote: This is pretty silly. If you're okay sleeping with someone who is in another supposedly monogamous relationship, you're essentially accepting that cheating is totally fine and you're okay with it. Which some people are okay with, but trying to take the moral high ground by saying "I'm not the one cheating, it's the person I'm sleeping with" is kinda ridiculous. And if you're looking for more than a fling, the 'success rate' for relationship that start off as affairs is in single digits, and it's really not hard to figure out why. Cheating is defined, at least to me, as sexual interaction with someone else when you have promised monogamy. A single petson has not promised monogamy, and can't cheat. Basically what you're getting at is a situation where you ask someone to break up before you have sex. I certainly don't believe you shouldn't court someone because they are in a relationship, people are in those of all degrees of seriousness all the time. | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
On December 06 2018 05:53 kaykaykay wrote: There's this girl in University who i met from the same class as me. She invited me to her yoga class, and seems really interested when we hung out. We went drinking after and she clinged onto my arms on the way home, started massaging my hair etc. At this point in time, i do notice some mutual attraction going on. Thing is she's attached and I don't really want an ambiguous relationship. I do find her attractive though, what should I do? Define attached Either just hookup but if she does have a proper official boyfriend I would never commit to her if she hooks up with me. I don't evenr ask women if they are dating, just focus on the present moment and assume they have other men in their orbit which will almost always be the case if she's a high quality woman .It's none of my business really until I start considering becoming exclusive Or if you KNOW she does have an actual serious boyfriend just do the right thing, tell her you're attracted to her, but would not respect her if she cheated And to let you know if anything changes | ||
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bloodwhore~
1010 Posts
---------------- Had another climbing date this monday. Super cute girl. Originally from germany but she spoke Swedish well enough that she understood everything (or at least I believe so). Very impressed by that. She was a lot more similar to me personality wise as well. She on the other hand was a bit more quiet, almost didn't hear what she said. Though we were at the climbing center and it can get kinda loud there sometimes. Not all that bad since you can huddle up closer to her to hear what she said.  ---------------- I also matched with a girl I met on tinder like a year and a half ago? I took MDMA with her if you recall. She apparently got out of her relationship like a day ago or something. Her bio was "Looking for rebound, im very cute." lol. She is coming over tomorrow if nothing other comes up for her. Also, I'm probably really fucking rusty sexwise as well. I think I have fucked up my ability to last any sort of respectable amount of time due to my recent fapping habits. Gotta fix that shit. I will have to edge each session for like 2 weeks to get back on track. | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
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IgnE
United States7681 Posts
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L_Master
United States8017 Posts
Not quite ready to go the medication route yet, but it's quite annoying. It's a definite downside both for your own fun, and for the women your with if you can give them a good fucking the way they often want. | ||
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IgnE
United States7681 Posts
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Emnjay808
United States10660 Posts
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bloodwhore~
1010 Posts
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Malinor
Germany4732 Posts
She added me on FB later, which struck me a bit, because there is really no connection between us two and she only knew my first name. (she later told me that she tracked me down over instagram). But since she has like 600+ FB-friends, I don't want to read too much into it. I texted her one day which resulted in us writing the whole day. We have had like 8 phone calls in November, normally lasting 2-3 hours, but sometimes quite a bit longer. And while she sometimes texted my by herself and I did not have to chase her, the phone calls were always initiated by me, which bothers me. It's like... I texted her if she has time and she immediately called me back, so there was no dodging going on. But she would just never initiate it. I finally asked her if we want to meet up sometime, and that resulted in a very open conversation about how this could prove to be extremely complicated given the distance and the age difference. She was just very concerned about what happens if our meeting does not go well etc.... basically overthinking it a lot. I am sure there was some genuine interest, but she was not quiet there yet. The next day I texted her sth. like: "Thanks for the talk, I don't know what happens now, but at the moment it is really cool with you". She replied with two one liners, saying she feels the same. Two days later she texted me another one liner (without a question), and my answer was followed with another one liner without anything to keep the conversation going. This is the point where I grew tired, because I just wanted her to start a conversation for once, so I did not reply. This was exactly one week ago and neither of us has made a move. Now I am sitting here contemplating if I did the right thing or if I am just being extremely stupid in potentially letting her go. It is not that I fell madly in love with her, but I have this feeling that she would be very good for me (same hobbies, similar values, no problems in finding things to talk about) and I really, really like her. My new female colleague told me to wait for her to text me because "she clearly wants to communicate with you and no woman can keep this silence up for long... if you want to win, you have to play the game" (paraphrazing here). Though I have gotten different opinions as well ("If you have to play games, then it is not gonna last anyway"). Basically my biggest fear is that I am being played with and chase something where there is nothing. But maybe my pride is just getting the better of me. Anyway, I am writing this down to organize my thoughts and maybe get some different perspectives. That would be much appreciated. | ||
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kaykaykay
Singapore637 Posts
On December 06 2018 05:53 kaykaykay wrote: There's this girl in University who i met from the same class as me. She invited me to her yoga class, and seems really interested when we hung out. We went drinking after and she clinged onto my arms on the way home, started massaging my hair etc. At this point in time, i do notice some mutual attraction going on. Thing is she's attached and I don't really want an ambiguous relationship. I do find her attractive though, what should I do? updates, yeah we stopped talking as much and she seems to have distanced herself after i told her we needed to talk about this. i think she realises this could potentially be a misstep on her part. attached = she has a boyfriend since the start of the year. | ||
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Ryzel
United States540 Posts
On December 12 2018 18:05 Malinor wrote: I met this girl two times at sport competitions back in September and October. We talked quite a bit there, but I really did not think much of it. Mostly because she lives far away and is way younger than me. She added me on FB later, which struck me a bit, because there is really no connection between us two and she only knew my first name. (she later told me that she tracked me down over instagram). But since she has like 600+ FB-friends, I don't want to read too much into it. I texted her one day which resulted in us writing the whole day. We have had like 8 phone calls in November, normally lasting 2-3 hours, but sometimes quite a bit longer. And while she sometimes texted my by herself and I did not have to chase her, the phone calls were always initiated by me, which bothers me. It's like... I texted her if she has time and she immediately called me back, so there was no dodging going on. But she would just never initiate it. I finally asked her if we want to meet up sometime, and that resulted in a very open conversation about how this could prove to be extremely complicated given the distance and the age difference. She was just very concerned about what happens if our meeting does not go well etc.... basically overthinking it a lot. I am sure there was some genuine interest, but she was not quiet there yet. The next day I texted her sth. like: "Thanks for the talk, I don't know what happens now, but at the moment it is really cool with you". She replied with two one liners, saying she feels the same. Two days later she texted me another one liner (without a question), and my answer was followed with another one liner without anything to keep the conversation going. This is the point where I grew tired, because I just wanted her to start a conversation for once, so I did not reply. This was exactly one week ago and neither of us has made a move. Now I am sitting here contemplating if I did the right thing or if I am just being extremely stupid in potentially letting her go. It is not that I fell madly in love with her, but I have this feeling that she would be very good for me (same hobbies, similar values, no problems in finding things to talk about) and I really, really like her. My new female colleague told me to wait for her to text me because "she clearly wants to communicate with you and no woman can keep this silence up for long... if you want to win, you have to play the game" (paraphrazing here). Though I have gotten different opinions as well ("If you have to play games, then it is not gonna last anyway"). Basically my biggest fear is that I am being played with and chase something where there is nothing. But maybe my pride is just getting the better of me. Anyway, I am writing this down to organize my thoughts and maybe get some different perspectives. That would be much appreciated. She’s into you but not enough to do long distance. Not much you can do other than offer to move closer, and even that may backfire. | ||
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