EPTLarJarsE's Attraction and Relationship advice Rd.2 - Page 4
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Shauni
4077 Posts
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freelander
Hungary4707 Posts
confident != asshole be fun, be unpredictable you could go to more parties, and try to speak with every chick see what works, then use it more sometimes you win, sometimes you learn you know | ||
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fanatacist
10319 Posts
On November 10 2009 02:00 Shauni wrote: So LarJarsE, I'm not a confident person and I become nervous around most girls, as if I am socially inept. I do not really wish to become the confident asshole-type you are often describing, because it doesn't fit with my personality and my values. I wouldn't mind becoming less nervous around females though, but it is probably because I rarely meet them. I know that the females I meet at parties and those I know from my male-friends usually see me as a bother or at best a nice guy they won't show any interest in. I don't wish to become an attraction magnet or a sexy alpha male with girls swarming around me, I just don't want to have only male friends. I'm not ugly, but the few times women actually approach me out of interest, they grow bored of my unresponsive ways and lack of conversation. How do I solve this without compromising myself too much? You don't have to be an asshole to be interesting or sociable. It's just that people who are nice are often seen as one-dimensional or boring, which is of course untrue for most but at our age it is almost a social mandate ("nice guy" complex you are describing, for example). You have two problems that are separate but inter-related. First you have to work on your confidence and your exposure anxiety. The reason most guys feel uncomfortable around women is one of the reasons you described - not having enough female exposure. Not having enough exposure leads you to be less confident when you do have it, which leads to poor results, which further intimidates you and prevents you from being confident in the future or approaching women in general. It's a downward spiral that is a consequence of A -> B thinking. What I mean by this is, and I am making an assumption here that you follow the general trend, is that you have a bad encounter -> makes you less confident in future encounters, you have less confidence -> you perform worse, etc., in other words the same spiral I just described. The first step is mental - destroy that A -> B linear train of thought. You need to overcome anxiety from within by realizing that every person you approach, including women, is a blank slate. It's like StarCraft, you can't let the fact that you lost the previous game affect the next one. That's what separates BoX champions from those of weak mental fortitude, and that's what separates the confident from the meek. The second step is to put this into practice - go out and talk to people, even men, just to get comfortable with talking to strangers. If you feel this step is unnecessary, you know better than I would (gauge your own confidence). Then you approach women, not necessarily in party or even social settings. Strike up a conversation with a woman behind the counter at your supermarket, talk to a girl on the bus or on the street even, sit next to a girl sitting alone at the cafeteria. By projecting a base level of confidence necessary to initiate a conversation with a stranger, you will eventually get in the habit of producing that confidence when it's necessary, and then it just becomes a part of who you are. Mass gaming on ICCup = talking to as many women as possible, even if you get ignored (lose). By dealing with rejections from strangers that don't matter, you lose the fear of it, because you realize that being rejected by girl A has no impact on your success with girl B. Now, onto your next problem - conversational skills. You will solve part of this problem simply due to the sheer volume of talking you will have to do when conquering your confidence issue. However, tact is both a practiced and pre-meditated art. What I mean by pre-meditated is that you have to prepare yourself to actually be interesting - to be interesting is to give a response that is out of the norm, making conversation that isn't pointless filler shit that no one cares about (where are you from, what classes do you take, blah blah). That is the only reason the asshole approach works - it breaks the social norm of guys sucking up to girls to get laid by being flirtatiously insulting and surprising in general. Obviously, it's possible to entertain someone without demeaning them. Sometimes it's just a matter of how you say things. Do you speak with confidence? Do you avert your eyes when talking? Do you have weak body language (hands in pockets or just immobile at your side, shoulder slouching, recessive posture)? Consider all those and work on them, whether it be in practice or while looking at the mirror. The next question is how to say what you want to say better. Do you use metaphors? Do you make your responses personalized (as in, different than someone else who would have the same factual answer as you)? Do you have a clear personality projecting through your words, actions, expressions? If not, then you should work on being less typical. This will be a lot easier once you have the confidence to think about shit while talking to women, which again comes from practice. When you have the freedom to think creatively about the situations and conversations you partake in, you have the ability to make it more interesting for both you and the listener. Good luck! | ||
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LarJarsE
United States1378 Posts
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LarJarsE
United States1378 Posts
On November 10 2009 02:00 Shauni wrote: So LarJarsE, I'm not a confident person and I become nervous around most girls, as if I am socially inept. I do not really wish to become the confident asshole-type you are often describing, because it doesn't fit with my personality and my values. I wouldn't mind becoming less nervous around females though, but it is probably because I rarely meet them. I know that the females I meet at parties and those I know from my male-friends usually see me as a bother or at best a nice guy they won't show any interest in. I don't wish to become an attraction magnet or a sexy alpha male with girls swarming around me, I just don't want to have only male friends. I'm not ugly, but the few times women actually approach me out of interest, they grow bored of my unresponsive ways and lack of conversation. How do I solve this without compromising myself too much? Shauni: This post will help you. You are asking what in a man gets a woman's attention, wether it be you out of your friends or you out of everyone on the face of the planet. Woman are attracted to men who display higher status in their social setting. If you are twiddling your thumbs with your head down wishing someone would just talk to you and accept you, that is a great way to inadvertantly tell women to stay far away. You dont have to be a dick to display higher status. To display higher status, you just really believe that you are of high status and you are not seeking acceptance from ANYONE, because you don't have to! Dont be shy to look a female in her eyes and give her a smirk. Dont laugh at things you don't think aren't funny, and don't agree with things that you dont agree for just the hell of it. If you BELIEVE that you are going to go out, be noticed, have a good time, and get the attention from the ladies, it will HAPPEN. But you must actually BELIEVE in these things without a doubt in the process. ----------------------------------- I made it a point to say this MAY sound assholish, but it is not. Those who are not confident don't understand what feels like to be confident and they are intimidated by the ideas. The fact is, its all in your head. With some change in perspective and some practice you CAN be confident and it will feel natural to talk to women you are attracted to aggressively. | ||
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LarJarsE
United States1378 Posts
On November 09 2009 19:55 ParasitJonte wrote: Hey, I have a serious question. There's this smart/cute girl in my japanese class that I'm interested in. During breaks, she approaches me and talks to me and she's impressed by my language skills. Problem is, I have a hard time distinguishing whether a girl is attracted to me or just thinks good of me in general. The good old "friend-dilemma". How do I find out the answer without asking the question straight to her face? It's also a problem that I can't get much alone time with her as all students gather together during breaks (which is when I have the most obvious opportunity to talk to her). ParasitJonte: She approaches you... hmm.. She is obviously interested. She may not be ATTRACTED yet (but she also may aready like you, you need to read her), but she will be with a little work. If she comes up to you, there is obviously something about you that catches her attention. Great, you already completed the first step. Now just play it cool and talk to her. Say you know that you're good and soon you'll be better than her, then grin. Just playful stuff. If you can get her laughing consistantly, then you KNOW its on. | ||
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fanatacist
10319 Posts
On November 10 2009 03:13 larjarse wrote: fanatacist, i'm not reading of your dumb posts in this topic. You were one of them who shit up the last topic and then tried to redeem yourself by trying to give lame advice. Seriously, waste your time somewhere else because you're looking like a loser right now. Lol. Who's the douche now? | ||
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Licmyobelisk
Philippines3682 Posts
regarding women online, I have this chick that I've met online and she is actually a GM in Crossfire. (the game I currently played) and yeah I wanna know if I got a chance on her or not via personal matters? I could actually see it as a 50/50 kinda thing right now since she knows that I have a Girl, But you know us men, we kinda like to get chicks left and right! So any pick up lines I can use to show her how affectionate I am? I mean, if she has a boyfriend that's pretty fine.. I'm not a jealous guy! I've already met her online and boy oh boy we had a connection! ^_^ | ||
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Zapdos_Smithh
Canada2620 Posts
On November 09 2009 20:54 starfries wrote: if you don't think he's qualified, then.. uh.. don't ask a question? Oh damn dude, what a smart revelation you have there. Thank you I have never even thought of that, hell never heard it mentioned 10,000 times. On November 10 2009 02:31 fanatacist wrote: You don't have to be an asshole to be interesting or sociable. It's just that people who are nice are often seen as one-dimensional or boring, which is of course untrue for most but at our age it is almost a social mandate ("nice guy" complex you are describing, for example). Yeah I gotta agree with Fana. Being confident shows through the actions you do. So a good way to show confidence is doing things you like. I tried for a few months going out to clubs/parties/bars etc. to meet girls. I don't drink and as a result I am really not that turned on by drunk girls. Of course a bar is filled with them. I felt a little bored/not really enjoying myself when I was going out to events like this, and I believe it showed. I didn't get very many results. So I just said, fuck it, I am not going out to bars/clubs/parties, and as a result I feel like my confidence level has increased simply because I am doing the things I like. I still socialize, just not in the bar/club scenario. So imo I would just do things that you enjoy. Obviously if you just like sitting at the comp playing games that won't help you get girls, so maybe try to find something a bit more social of course that you would enjoy doing. | ||
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Ryu X
Philippines2 Posts
On November 09 2009 14:52 KurtistheTurtle wrote: umm... + Show Spoiler + This is the second part of our interview with three PUAs who have learned to take embarrassment, rejection and lawsuits in stride: X, Smooth and Charlatan of AttraXion Arts. Contrary to what my three female readers might think, it’s not easy being a PUA: you have to pick up a specified quota of women per month or else your license will be revoked and you will be demoted instead to picking up blow-up dolls and avatars. success with women is not measured in how many women you can pick up. its about being able to have a rewarding relationship with the girl you choose. all their shit is just hyping themselves up and trying to sell you that they will instantly fix and turn you into a pimp machine. it doesnt happen like that. im not saying its not that easy, but it doesnt come from other people. one of my friends showed me a video from realsocialdynamics.com, it was this australian guy talking about how he came to have success with women. I would recommend checking that out. I don't wanna say torrent them, but check them out and if you like their stuff then buy it. hey man, just a newbie here. sorry to interrupt.. i'll be gone in a while if you hate my presence. i couldn't help but react coz my one of the X crew showed me this link and I decided to drop by. i'm not marketing or anything, just wanted to clear things up so you guys won't get the wrong idea. My name is Ryu X. I'm the founder of AttraXion Arts, also popularly known as X Arts here in the Philippines, the premier and leading dating and seduction company in the Philippines, and slowly gaining ground in Asia. @ Kurtisthetitle you are obviously mistaken. that write-up you quoted in your spoiler, was taken from an interview by RJ Ledesma. he is known for being a comedic writer, so when he asks a question there, it isn't necessarily what really happened, he's just making a figure of speech called a "hyperbole". you're reading it in the wrong context buddy. we didn't actually "say" that write-up, he just added that in his question that to make it more comic and attract, or catch the attention of the readers. in fact if we would follow your argument, then you'd also believe many of us who practice X Arts here in the Phil got lawsuits coz it's included in the write-up "spoiler" you have there as well (now you know the context is that he's exaggerating and joking hahahaha). it was published in the top national newspaper here in the Philippines, Philippine Star, by the way; and it was published in the entertainment and lifestyle section. although... you are right, and i whole-heartedly agree with you. success is not measured by the number of women you can pick up. your value is not determined by women. in fact we just recently discussed that topic in our Grand PUA Summit held just this Saturday (shattering the PUA mindset: normal guy frame vs. PUA frame vs. X Arts frame), coz most people in the seduction community think that the more women you lay, the better you are. i'm glad you know that as well. that was one among the couple of things we discussed in the summit. you are also right that change doesn't happen overnight, and we never marketed ourselves that way, it's our clients who did that, though we always advise everybody that there is no fuckin magic pill, nor magic bullet, nor an overnight success, but we will give you the tools necessary to succeed. we are just your guides, everything still comes from you. we just coach you, but in the end, it's still you, you just dont know it yet, but you had it in you all along. X Arts means everybody has got the "X factor", they just have to discover it and harness it. i repeat, we don't advocate making large number of approaches or pickups to increase your level of game. in fact, modesty aside, i'm the best in the seduction game in the Philippines, and I'm in a fulfilling relationship with a gorgeous girlfriend, have been in such a situation now for 3 years. we even have a female instructor here in X Arts. i never practise my seduction game coz I'm the game. i dont run game, i already automatically do it, not only on strangers and sets, but to everybody (my mom, dad, family, sister, friends, buddies, girlfriend, her friends, etc.), it's not just about picking up women, but overall self-improvement (I personally think it's more about self-discovery than self-improvement, coz everybody really is attractive and interesting, but they just dont know it yet, nor know how to show it) however, even with no practice, i dont go rusty. in fact i have been conducting bootcamps 4 times a month, as we get booked a lot. AttraXion Arts ain't no hype man. our shit wouldn't stand the test of time if we're hyped up, we've been here for 2 years and only getting stronger. in fact, we seldom do outrageous marketing. check out the site better and you'll understand... our clients do the marketing for us. simple as that. | ||
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fanatacist
10319 Posts
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Licmyobelisk
Philippines3682 Posts
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bITt.mAN
Switzerland3693 Posts
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Warrior Madness
Canada3791 Posts
It stems from neediness. It's because they WANT something from them. They want to be liked. They want their attention. They want to impress them. If you think about it, this is the complete opposite of our attitude when we're talking to a good friend. It's all about fun, mutual connection, and speaking from the gut. It's important to learn how to talk from the gut and it's important to learn how to be non-needy. Whenever you talk to a girl, or to anybody really just keep these few tips in mind: 1) Non-neediness, never WANT something from anyone, don't try to impress them 2) energy, fun, too many guys walking around have this grey, energyless vibe about them 3) speak from your gut and 4) Good body language, this includes, strong eye contact, smiling or smirking as you talk, and the tonality of your voice (On one end of the spectrum you have tony robins, on the other end, Ben stein). And last but not least, LISTENING. People are attracted to other people when they can bare their thoughts, feelings, and unique traits about themselves completely honestly with them. | ||
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Shauni
4077 Posts
On November 10 2009 03:16 larjarse wrote: Shauni: This post will help you. You are asking what in a man gets a woman's attention, wether it be you out of your friends or you out of everyone on the face of the planet. Woman are attracted to men who display higher status in their social setting. If you are twiddling your thumbs with your head down wishing someone would just talk to you and accept you, that is a great way to inadvertantly tell women to stay far away. You dont have to be a dick to display higher status. To display higher status, you just really believe that you are of high status and you are not seeking acceptance from ANYONE, because you don't have to! Dont be shy to look a female in her eyes and give her a smirk. Dont laugh at things you don't think aren't funny, and don't agree with things that you dont agree for just the hell of it. If you BELIEVE that you are going to go out, be noticed, have a good time, and get the attention from the ladies, it will HAPPEN. But you must actually BELIEVE in these things without a doubt in the process. ----------------------------------- I made it a point to say this MAY sound assholish, but it is not. Those who are not confident don't understand what feels like to be confident and they are intimidated by the ideas. The fact is, its all in your head. With some change in perspective and some practice you CAN be confident and it will feel natural to talk to women you are attracted to aggressively. It doesn't help me at all. I've read this thousands of times and it still feels so empty. It's always the same thing all over again: display confidence and status bla bla toy with her a bit and show her you are in control of the situation and so on. As I said I don't want to become a pick-up artist or play the game. I just wouldn't want to change my behaviour to that direction, ever. Maybe I'm in the wrong thread, I don't know. Maybe this is a pick-up artist thread. I think fanatacist described it more accurately. I know of all these things but I still can't change the first thing, my mindset. I give up way too easily after my failures, telling myself it doesn't matter and that I don't want to socialize with women anyway. I've tried changing this, but I'm weak and stupid. Whenever I start a conversation with a new girl, the memory of my last failure is etched into my brain. | ||
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Ryu X
Philippines2 Posts
On November 10 2009 05:20 Licmyobelisk wrote: WTF! Ryu X the grand master of pick up artistry? How the hell did you get here the legend that became a man and then got back to being a legend? it's incredible that I've just added myself to your following and now you are following us? Incredible! hey nice meeting you. yeah i'm now following this thread, one of my entourage showed me this link, and this is kinda interesting, although i won't be here for long, just waiting for kurtistheturtle's response, as we just needed to clear things up. | ||
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fanatacist
10319 Posts
On November 10 2009 05:44 Shauni wrote: It doesn't help me at all. I've read this thousands of times and it still feels so empty. It's always the same thing all over again: display confidence and status bla bla toy with her a bit and show her you are in control of the situation and so on. As I said I don't want to become a pick-up artist or play the game. I just wouldn't want to change my behaviour to that direction, ever. Maybe I'm in the wrong thread, I don't know. Maybe this is a pick-up artist thread. I think fanatacist described it more accurately. I know of all these things but I still can't change the first thing, my mindset. I give up way too easily after my failures, telling myself it doesn't matter and that I don't want to socialize with women anyway. I've tried changing this, but I'm weak and stupid. Whenever I start a conversation with a new girl, the memory of my last failure is etched into my brain. Work on it. Work on your ability to handle failure. Everyone who has ever played StarCraft on ICCup had to do it - either you push through and stop caring about losses (and thus get more games in, and produce better results), or you fall victim to your own lack of confidence and never get over D+. The same concept applies here - desensitize yourself to it. It's a training exercise, something that you must pass, regardless of how embarrassed you might feel or how badly you get ignored/rejected. Like StarCraft, everyone loses sometimes, and by losing we can learn what we need to improve. You need to be rejected x amount of times before you can be completely fearless - how fast you achieve that x amount is dependent on how you handle your mindset, and how you have to get over it. Feeling embarrassed is natural, but who cares what some girl thinks about you? You don't have to see her ever again, and you can start from scratch with the next one. It's your lack of confidence that makes you remember your failures so vividly. There is no better way of saying this - man up. Reproduction, and getting to the point of reproduction, is an instinct. By holding yourself back you are going against your instincts. Humanity is based on socializing and being able to socialize properly - if you can't, then you will be ostracized from society, depending on the severity of your incapacity. Realize how important this is to you; if it isn't, you wouldn't be posting here, and you wouldn't be aware of the fact that you have a problem. You need stop making excuses for yourself and become a socially healthy human being. Good luck! | ||
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fanatacist
10319 Posts
On November 10 2009 05:48 Ryu X wrote: hey nice meeting you. yeah i'm now following this thread, one of my entourage showed me this link, and this is kinda interesting, although i won't be here for long, just waiting for kurtistheturtle's response, as we just needed to clear things up. I wouldn't stick around and wait, most people post only a few times a day. In any case, whatever he said or has to say is really not that important. If we had to care about every word every ignorant person said or every misunderstanding that people have, life would be miserable. But life is good, because it doesn't matter who says what as long as you and the people that matter (I guess in your case your followers and crew) know what's what. Right? | ||
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LarJarsE
United States1378 Posts
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LarJarsE
United States1378 Posts
It doesn't help me at all. I've read this thousands of times and it still feels so empty. It's always the same thing all over again: display confidence and status bla bla toy with her a bit and show her you are in control of the situation and so on. As I said I don't want to become a pick-up artist or play the game. I just wouldn't want to change my behaviour to that direction, ever. Maybe I'm in the wrong thread, I don't know. Maybe this is a pick-up artist thread. I think fanatacist described it more accurately. I know of all these things but I still can't change the first thing, my mindset. I give up way too easily after my failures, telling myself it doesn't matter and that I don't want to socialize with women anyway. I've tried changing this, but I'm weak and stupid. Whenever I start a conversation with a new girl, the memory of my last failure is etched into my brain. Telling yo what to do is the easy part. If you want to make changes in how you think and how you percieve things to better yourself and your life, you need to take time and a counscious effort to do so. Someone like you needs to make it a formal process to identify what you have been doing wrong that is counterintuitive to your goals, and the steps you can take toward your goals. This takes time, its not something thats going to click with you after reading a post. You really need to think about it and work on it yourself. I will add more to this later. | ||
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