Crusade (Ret p7)

IskatuMesk

Canada969 Posts

July 15 2013 18:40 GMT

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6

It has been a long time since I have posted on Teen Liquid. I never felt much need to keep post on a private project, but sometimes it helps to collect one's thoughts.

Two days ago I turned 26, spending the entire day sleeping. The nights prior and after, along with some weeks previous, were the crest of a new wave of production on the project. A long 2-3 months had passed in which depression and anxiety had become too strong to progress, and fears of failure mounted.

Progress has been made since the last posts. I devoted exclusively to the sins front, aiming to complete this aspect of the project, at least model-wise, by the end of 2013. But every step forward has come at great physical cost. I have developed arthritis in all of my right hand joints, and the tendons throughout my right arm are regularly in such pain that I cannot hold cups. It is painful even to type, and so I have to take breaks in writing this post.

There is a price for everything you gain. For freedom, I abandoned people and society. For my dreams, I turned away all prospects of a capitalist life. And, finally, to bring those dreams to life, to bring justice to my many years of fruitless labor, I will need to sacrifice the last shreds of strength I have left. There is no greater glory than seeing one's thoughts comes to life, no greater feeling than the accomplishment of an impossible desire. In a world where every emotion is a lie and every detour certain death, to remain true to the path of one's dreams is a trial by fire indeed. I can only dream that the glory I seek, the feels I long for, are truly real, and that I will experience them in my final moments. This is the only reason I am still alive.

This is a truly impossible task for a mentally disabled person. For someone who can't even control their own thoughts, to form distant dreams into a cohesive three-hour motion picture shall be the uttermost triumphant motion. Every moment of my life, from the hours of my deepest, darkest tragedies to the solemn, sleepless nights spent forging these vaguely familiar shapes, comes to its conclusion in this one project. The first, and last, of my efforts to justify putting myself through life at all.

Not just models, but all particles, sounds, most of the textures, and almost all of the voice acting will be my own. Only the models and textures are the hard part. My absolute strongest skills, being writing and audio, always have been and always will be absolutely worthless talents.

I do not believe it is impossible. I believe that every thread of logic, every drop of reason, every breath of life works against me, seeks to undo me. I believe that men willingly give up in the face of challenge, for it is human nature to take the easy way out. No part of life is easy, however, and no part of life do I wish to take part in is possible. I will willingly sacrifice the last of my life to deny those demons for a day longer. I am tired of eeking out this pathetic existence. In service to cause I can offer no pause, lest I surrender to devils. The doubt that would destroy us all.

I believe that what separates the impossible from the possible is devotion. Those who would challenge themselves to a project and succumb to doubt never possessed devotion. I have proven my devotion by shedding the coil of man's worldly desires. I have proven my devotion by denying the greed of man's inner darkness. And I will prove my devotion one last time by giving my dreams my every mortal breath. This sacrifice is absolutely mandatory, and denying that fact for even a moment damns all of my life's work to ruin eternal. If I fuck up here there is absolutely no way I can recover. There is nothing left in my world but this one chance to make it all right.

This is the price of freedom. To relinquish one's attachments to a meaningless civilization with meaningless values. To absolve oneself of fear and and doubt. In my dreams I find the strength I never had as a human. In my dreams I find the hope I could never discover in life. And, finally, in my dreams I will finally find the peace in death I have so longed for.

Before that hour can come, however, I must finish the fight. I cannot allow the material demons of depression nor anxiety to rule me. I absolutely must not stray, no matter how much my mind wants to succumb. The road is long, winding, and gnarly like a big black dick. But I must ride it all the same.

In the 7th installation all I can do is announce my devotion. It is all I have. This is not a project. This is a crusade. A crusade to justify 26 years of meaningless nothingness. A desire to bring spark to the flame of creation, and to live at least one moment of peace within an eternity of despair. Project Retribution is the soulseeking stride into an infinite valley of thorny satanic assholes at the end of a lifelong journey. Somewhere, somehow, I will find my way home.

I swear it.

Targe

United Kingdom14103 Posts

July 15 2013 22:56 GMT

Woah, great blog o.0 Some really depressing stuff like your outlook on your life so far in there to read.

Aerisky

United States12128 Posts

July 16 2013 08:11 GMT

Wow agreed, certainly some very grave prose and thoughts in there... Good blog and amazing design work though, of course.

radscorpion9

Canada2252 Posts

July 16 2013 16:14 GMT

You could read this as either inspiring or as a warning as to what paths you should avoid. I'm not sure whether staking your life upon this one project is one or the other.

Seems like you endured some very hard times, and made some mistakes...and rather than go back you want to go forward. You have to be careful with that thinking. It might work in this case, but in others its best to know when to quit and take an easier path. Also audio work is not useless! Certainly not writing. I think you could easily find a job at either if you are really talented at them. You can be like Mark Morgan, a composer who writes music for games like Fallout and Wasteland - he's a fairly renowned musician at this point. But for whatever reason you seem to have decided its not worth it, so I'll leave it alone.

You have some very bizarre language at the end though...

I absolutely must not stray, no matter how much my mind wants to succumb. The road is long, winding, and gnarly like a big black dick. But I must ride it all the same.

Did you really mean to write that? I mean the imagery of a "big black dick" is not exactly winding or gnarly...its more or less a straight phallic object, although some can have slight curves. Also you may want to take out the "I must ride it all the same" part, as it turns more into a comedy at that point...unless that was your intention

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