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Active: 666 users

How to deal with grief?

Blogs > peanuts
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peanuts
Profile Blog Joined May 2012
United States1225 Posts
September 12 2014 01:03 GMT
#1
Just found out my friend is dead. Strangled by her boyfriend. I have nothing to write, just shock and disgust and utter sadness. How the fuck do you handle this?

****
Writer"My greatest skill is my enjoyment of the game" - Grubby | @TL_Peanuts
Torte de Lini
Profile Blog Joined September 2010
Germany38463 Posts
Last Edited: 2014-09-12 01:08:58
September 12 2014 01:08 GMT
#2
Seek closure I suppose. To be honest, I am still stricken with grief and guilt about something out of my hands, so my advice may be a bit off. Talk to your friend's family, be close to those who also loved her and with time, things will heal.

Sorry I can't give better advice.
https://twitter.com/#!/TorteDeLini (@TorteDeLini)
darthfoley
Profile Blog Joined February 2011
United States8003 Posts
September 12 2014 01:12 GMT
#3
Treat everyone else in your life with more importance, more respect, more love. You really never know when it might be the end.

I'm sorry for her, her family, and her friends. No one deserves that. RIP
watch the wall collide with my fist, mostly over problems that i know i should fix
MysteryMeat1
Profile Blog Joined June 2011
United States3292 Posts
September 12 2014 01:16 GMT
#4
My condolensces, i would think about taking a couple of days off and just face it head on.
"Cause ya know, Style before victory." -The greatest mafia player alive
Fecalfeast
Profile Joined January 2010
Canada11355 Posts
September 12 2014 01:23 GMT
#5
I can't say I have a comparable experience but as someone who holds in grief and isn't generally emotive: Let it all out at someone. Start talking to someone about your friend and just cry/scream/fume with anger at whoever will listen. Brooding and crying alone will do nothing but let your brain work its magic and make everything seem much worse than it is.

Having someone to vent with is something nobody should take for granted. Support is invaluable.
ModeratorINFLATE YOUR POST COUNT; PLAY TL MAFIA
BigFan
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
TLADT24920 Posts
September 12 2014 01:24 GMT
#6
Take some time off and honestly, just cry it out if you have to. It's the best way to get over the grief, just need time for yourself now. My condolences.
Former BW EiC"Watch Bakemonogatari or I will kill you." -Toad, April 18th, 2017
MetaKnight
Profile Blog Joined August 2014
Canada9 Posts
September 12 2014 01:28 GMT
#7
That's an incredibly difficult situation for you. It must be so painful to lose a good friend.
CosmicSpiral
Profile Blog Joined December 2010
United States15275 Posts
September 12 2014 01:36 GMT
#8
Give yourself time to handle it. No two people go through grief in the same manner, and there's no real conclusive way to deal with it. Find shoulders to cry on and time to let your emotions process.
WriterWovon man nicht sprechen kann, darüber muß man schweigen.
Darkdwarf
Profile Blog Joined December 2012
Sweden960 Posts
September 12 2014 01:50 GMT
#9
My best friend hanged himself 10 months ago. You can't handle it. It still isn't really real to me. Let it take time, allow yourself to cry, feel miserable, scream and whatever. It is horrible and it takes a _lot_ of time to heal such a scar.
Teams: IM, Jin Air, Invictus || Players: Maru, GuMiho, INnoVation, Ryung, sOs, Squirtle, NaNiwa, Has, Zoun, Life, Rogue, Dark
Pandain
Profile Blog Joined May 2010
United States12989 Posts
September 12 2014 01:51 GMT
#10
I'm sorry
Capped
Profile Blog Joined June 2011
United Kingdom7236 Posts
Last Edited: 2014-09-12 14:46:37
September 12 2014 02:21 GMT
#11
Do what makes you vent - provided it isnt illegal or harms others - you should 100% do what lets you work out the pent up emotion. Whether its crying, withdrawing into gaming, punching stuff, jogging, whatever, just do it, it'll help.
Useless wet fish.
Oboeman
Profile Joined January 2011
Canada3980 Posts
September 12 2014 03:23 GMT
#12
that's horrible.

turn that emotional energy into something creative. not for sharing, just to ease the pain of cooking in it.
DarkPlasmaBall
Profile Blog Joined March 2010
United States44319 Posts
September 12 2014 03:32 GMT
#13
Take some time off of school or work if you can't focus on anything. And don't be afraid to cry. And by cry, I mean full-fledged fetal position, bawling your eyes out, snot bubbles bursting all over the place <3

I'm sorry for your loss Whenever I've lost a close friend or family member, it's taught me to appreciate my life and the lives of my other friends and family members even more.
"There is nothing more satisfying than looking at a crowd of people and helping them get what I love." ~Day[9] Daily #100
The_Templar
Profile Blog Joined January 2011
your Country52797 Posts
September 12 2014 03:35 GMT
#14
Geez, that's terrible. I'm sorry
Moderatorshe/her
TL+ Member
The_Australian
Profile Blog Joined December 2007
Australia458 Posts
September 12 2014 05:05 GMT
#15
Im sorry to hear that. My grandfather recently passed away (we were close) so i kind of understand what you are going through, however he died of natural causes. My advice is to realise that you're going to feel shitty for probably quite some time, so dont try to repress it. if you want to feel angry or sad then feel that.

all the best.
"Nothing should be unstoppable when you see it coming...." - Boxer
docvoc
Profile Blog Joined July 2011
United States5491 Posts
September 12 2014 05:27 GMT
#16
You don't deal with grief, you let it deal with itself. You will know when you feel better, until then - see someone, a psychologist, friends, family, or anyone willing to lend an ear. Cry it out. Scream it out. Bang on an instrument or write it out, but let the grief deal with itself and expunge it when the time comes. Don't rush the process.
User was warned for too many mimes.
itsjustatank
Profile Blog Joined November 2010
Hong Kong9154 Posts
September 12 2014 06:08 GMT
#17
not going to pretend that i understand. dont spiral out of control though.
Photographer"nosotros estamos backamos" - setsuko
Cascade
Profile Blog Joined March 2006
Australia5405 Posts
September 12 2014 07:29 GMT
#18
I'm sorry.

I'll try some advice, but I can only tell you what is true for me, so take what you feel applies to your situation.

On a very general level, I think it is better to do things than to not do things.

So go ahead and cry or punch things (maybe get something that's not too expensive), go for long walks/runs/bikes/..., shout at things or people, or whatever you may feel like. Within limits ofc (apologise if appropriate, they'll understand), but to let things out. + Show Spoiler +
A personal experience would be going on my inlines for hours in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep after a breakup.


Partially this may help you get closure as Torte mentioned, and you may also come out a better person on the other side, confident that you can handle things, doing what is needed. As opposed to bottle up emotions which often is not a great idea.

Bonus points if you can help support others that are affected.

Good luck.
y0su
Profile Blog Joined September 2011
Finland7871 Posts
September 12 2014 10:22 GMT
#19
Condolences! I lost a friend to violence recently as well


Time. Comfort with others that are suffering as well (her family, friends etc). Having someone to talk to helps a lot - even writing more (sometimes just writing and deleting after it's all written).
virpi
Profile Blog Joined August 2009
Germany3598 Posts
Last Edited: 2014-09-12 10:51:56
September 12 2014 10:50 GMT
#20
Six years ago, one of my best friends committed suicide. At first, I didn't really realize what had happened. It took time to really understand the meaning of such a loss. What helped me through those troubled times were my other friends. After we had got the news, we all met up in a house and stayed there for some days. It was lots of silence, lots of crying, lots of holding each other. Being able to grieve together made things a lot easier. The emptiness we all felt inside was filled by the realization that we were not alone. After the first hours of pure shock, we started talking about it. About him, about our relationship. Of course, we asked ourselves if we could have done anything to prevent his suicide. But we soon realized that this led to nothing but sore regrets. So we focused on moving on. Remembering our friend as the kind and lovely guy he had been. Our friendship grew stronger. And even though I still miss him a lot (he would have turned 30 a few days ago), I now know that I'm not alone.

So my advice would be: Don't stay alone. Talk to other friends, talk to your family. Look for people you love.
And yes, it takes time. You can't force anything.
first we make expand, then we defense it.
TojoZ
Profile Joined February 2014
United Kingdom13 Posts
Last Edited: 2014-09-12 11:08:56
September 12 2014 11:08 GMT
#21
I'm so sorry. I would agree with the other replies: don't bottle anything up. The emotions you feel are a natural part of losing someone close to you. Express them. I wish you and your friends' family/friends all the best. GL
TRUE & Sacsri fan!
Olli
Profile Blog Joined February 2012
Austria24417 Posts
September 12 2014 15:30 GMT
#22
Just don't forget that the world isn't always this disgusting, dark and terrible place. My sincere condolences.
Administrator"Declaring anything a disaster because aLive popped up out of nowhere is just downright silly."
dravernor
Profile Blog Joined May 2013
Netherlands6181 Posts
September 12 2014 16:08 GMT
#23
I'm sorry to hear that peanuts I think everyone has given great advice, no need for repeating it, but yeah. It is a horrible horrible thing, especially at such a young age.
<3
WonnaPlay
Profile Joined September 2010
Netherlands912 Posts
September 12 2014 17:03 GMT
#24
On September 12 2014 19:50 virpi wrote:
Six years ago, one of my best friends committed suicide. At first, I didn't really realize what had happened. It took time to really understand the meaning of such a loss. What helped me through those troubled times were my other friends. After we had got the news, we all met up in a house and stayed there for some days. It was lots of silence, lots of crying, lots of holding each other. Being able to grieve together made things a lot easier. The emptiness we all felt inside was filled by the realization that we were not alone. After the first hours of pure shock, we started talking about it. About him, about our relationship. Of course, we asked ourselves if we could have done anything to prevent his suicide. But we soon realized that this led to nothing but sore regrets. So we focused on moving on. Remembering our friend as the kind and lovely guy he had been. Our friendship grew stronger. And even though I still miss him a lot (he would have turned 30 a few days ago), I now know that I'm not alone.

So my advice would be: Don't stay alone. Talk to other friends, talk to your family. Look for people you love.
And yes, it takes time. You can't force anything.


I was about to write a wall of text, but Virpi here has described bassically the exact same details of my story, so I will just +1 this.
This is exactly what I did with my friends when one of my best friends also comitted suicide. 9 years ago already.. He just turned 18 back then

OP : This is a terrible thing to hear and I hope you can share this with friends who also knew her. For me it was christmass eve, and at New Years I went to my mates who also knew him very well, and we'd just spent the whole night talking the good stories.
Don't get yourself in a negative spiral, I had hidden this from some of my other friends and it kept getting worse, to the point that we went to the movies with a few friends and I just started crying out of nowhere, after someone joked something (we were also close by the spot where he came to an end).
So as many people suggested, talk , let it out, don't crop it up. I think you just posting this here is already a good start!
Trasko
Profile Blog Joined July 2010
Sweden983 Posts
September 13 2014 13:19 GMT
#25
Man! So sorry to hear that :/ I couldn't even begin to imagine how you're feeling. Like others have said, It's probably best to talk to someone and to find comfort in friends and family.
Jaedong <3
Bereft
Profile Blog Joined February 2010
United States1007 Posts
September 13 2014 17:52 GMT
#26
i'm so sorry to hear like others have already said, talk and share your grief with friends and family. spending time and remembering the good things about her with those who also knew and loved her can really help.
Yorkie
Profile Blog Joined December 2012
United States12612 Posts
September 14 2014 21:21 GMT
#27
Sorry for your loss man. Definitely follow the advice some of these other guys posted. I don't really know what to add, since I've never gone through something of this scale but I'm here to talk to (and hang out with I'm only a short train ride away from NYC now that I'm back at school) if you want to
Hwang Kang Hooooooooooo. Follow mah boy Shellshock @Shellshock1122
DepressedOne
Profile Blog Joined September 2014
United States190 Posts
September 14 2014 21:27 GMT
#28
Something similar happened to me. My advice would be to process what's happened, but most important is to eventually move on or else the rest of your life will feel burdened. Everyone goes through their own struggles. You not alone.
Me sad.
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