EPTBiggest life decision. - Page 2
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Koshi
Belgium38799 Posts
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Saechiis
Netherlands4989 Posts
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baiesradu
Romania150 Posts
Living with them if you do not have control on their actions is not something that can be done easily. It adds a lot of pressure on you relation and from what you described your wife is very much under their control. In the end if you are really unhappy , it will not be easy to make work it just for your child. Good luck ! | ||
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urboss
Austria1223 Posts
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Capped
United Kingdom7236 Posts
On May 29 2014 15:28 ffswowsucks wrote: Has anyone been raised with only one family member? I love my child and everytime i see her she smiles at me and my heart melts but on the other hand i have a wife who is busting my balls each moment we are together. Imagine that i prefer going to work rather to be in my house.  I was raised completely without a father. It had zero psychological impact on me (cant say the same for my mums bad parenting XD). That isn't what you're going to do though, is it? You want to be a father for your daughter and do everything in your power for her, im sure. The only thing is you wouldn't be around the house. As long as you saw her often and made an effort, it isn't a big issue. There's a phrase "broken home" when it comes to single parents. I actually consider a "broken home" to be when the two parents clearly don't want to be together but remain so, it becomes abusive, always arguing, never happy etc etc etc and it completely rubs off on the child, they pick up on that sort of shit no matter what you do to hide it. My advice to you would be to do whatever would make you happy regarding your relationship, thinking of your child is a completely seperate thing and you can do your best for her outside this relationship (provided your wife isn't going to be one of those cunts that keep you from your child when you are willing.) Seperate the two things, your relationship and your daughter aren't the same and im sure your daughter will end up happier for it if mummy and daddy are happy but not together instead of unhappy and together. EDIT: I wasn't giving you any advice on the relationship front, just what i think it would be like for the child. Regarding your relationship you know best but you should really think things through and try some things to get it to be where you want it, whether thats divorce or a 2nd child. On May 29 2014 16:10 ffswowsucks wrote: i answered that my wife didnt want to because my mom is by her opinion an alchocholic which isnt the case. She sometimes drinks a glass of wine with her food... This sounds heavily biased tbh. Are you sure you're not just blowing everything out of proportion? Talk to her, talk to somebody, sort your head out before doing anything rash. | ||
Firebolt145
Lalalaland34492 Posts
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LilClinkin
Australia667 Posts
No one here is qualified to give legitimate advice because they don't have enough information, they don't know you personally, and they don't know your wife. | ||
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Dingodile
4133 Posts
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Plexa
Aotearoa39261 Posts
On May 29 2014 17:52 Koshi wrote: You were happy for 5 years and now it is being rough for +3 weeks and you want to divorce her? This. As far as I know, very young children can place a lot of new pressures on couples and that can cause some changes. Seek out professional counseling, you might find that she's changed for reasons you didn't expect and then those can be worked through. Obviously if it is irreconcilable then that's that... but I would at least attempt to make some headway into the problem. My parents split up when I was 11 (after my mum having an affair for 2 years, with my teacher nonetheless ._.) and I've never really forgiven her for that. I talk to her maybe twice a year and only because my brother has a good relationship with her. Each situation is different, so take this with a grain of salt. | ||
739
Bearded Elder29903 Posts
Also this means I'm waking up at 4:30-5:30am and I'm ending my day at 11-12pm, because that's when I'm heading to sleep = 19 hours being awake. Also we were both kind of people that are not couch potatoes and sitting at home, doing same shit all the time is frustrating + causes problems inside. You need to get your shit together, start placing changes in your life, to make it less similar than the previous day. Little baby is a lot of fun and gives a lot of smile but it is tiring, you need to know about that. I was actually in a period when we got into small troubles with my fiancee, because of doing same crap all over again but once you both starts doing anything about it, it's gonna end up being awesome once again - trust me bro. Also one more advice, if any of you have a feeling that they stick to the other person ONLY BECAUSE OF THE KID, END THE RELATIONSHIP. It's not good for any of you and it's bad for kid, it's always better to end marriage/relationship when the baby is young instead of doing it when he already knows what's up and he knows what's going on around him. | ||
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Talin
Montenegro10532 Posts
As for the situation with single parents raising a child, there's countless ways that could go, some better than others. It depends on the parents themselves, and the relationship the kid has to each of them. My parents split up when I was 8, but because I wasn't really close to my father at all and of how the whole inter-personal relationships worked in general, my reaction was pretty much "meh", and never really amounted to any kind of emotional discomfort later on either. Substitute us with different three people in the exact same situation, and it could have traumatic consequences for everyone involved. These situations are all unique, because circumstances and people involved are unique. You could hear hundreds of different stories, and none of them will prepare you for what ends up happening in your case. My advice would be to ask the right people for advice. Family members and friends who know you both at least to a certain extent, and people whom you trust to tell you how it is (from their perspective at least) instead of those that would support any choice you make. Moreover, talk to your wife regularly instead of trying to avoid it because it's "tiring". Difficult and emotionally draining conflicts are a common feature in mostly any marriage and if you care about the other person, you suck it up and resolve it. Finally, seek counseling if you can and both agree to it. | ||
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y0su
Finland7871 Posts
On May 29 2014 15:28 ffswowsucks wrote:My wife has become a different person and the past 3 weeks i keep feeling like i want to divorce her and we have made lots of talks about it and she sees that i am there for them because i have to and not because i want to. 3 weeks? What's been so bad for 3 weeks that makes you suddenly think you want a divorce?On May 29 2014 18:58 Firebolt145 wrote: Asking here for advice is fine and you might get something out of it, but have you considered seeing a professional marriage counsellor? Just like all the "I think I'm sick" threads say go see a real Dr. you should go see someone who has been trained to deal with this. edit: be COMPLETELY honest with the counselor/psychiatrist. | ||
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MrTortoise
1388 Posts
you committed to life and 3 weeks seems a long time? give it 6 months work at it. Welcome to the spectrum of experience. It s a bit like pokemon. | ||
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TheCzarOfAll
United States170 Posts
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QuixoticO
Netherlands810 Posts
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Liquid`Jinro
Sweden33719 Posts
My wife has become a different person I have absolutely 0 medical qualifications or experience in this area, and you didn't exactly give a lot of details on what being a completely different person entails... In addition you are a doctor, so you probably have considered what I'm about to say already. HOWEVER, on the off chance that it's helpful --- could it be postpartum depression? Can't really help with the main topic... I think my parents stayed together longer than they would have without kids (basically until we were all grown up), however they were (and are still) friends, so it wasn't a hostile enviornment at all. As for people giving you a hard time about the 3 weeks thing, I assume that the problems have been going on for more like the past 8 months, but in the last 3 weeks you have started thinking about divorce etc, correct? Otherwise it seems a bit premature. I don't feel like I'm at all qualified to offer any advice here since I'm un-married with no children, and grew up with both my parents... but I really wish you the best of luck. Sounds like a tough spot to be in. | ||
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quirinus
Croatia2489 Posts
People are really stressed and sleep-deprived while they have a baby (especially the first baby), which can change how people react and think... having someone to take care of the baby for a day or two might help you guys to rest a bit and try to get a perspective on it. My parent didn't divorce, but they would argue, yell and get angry a lot (mainly because they were overworked in their jobs, had to take care of my old grandparents (we mostly lived with them because of that) and work the land in the countryside that we have, all while traveling between the city and countryside every day). I can attest that there's no way to hide it from kids and that it had a profound effect on me even though they were mostly arguing with each other (they were mostly ok towards me, and by ok I mean I was left alone, which isn't a big deal since I'm introverted anyway xD). Nagging women and men that are never there because they're working forever and anytime are the biggest issue (at least in my parents case, I think), basically spouses not supporting each other. All that being said, I'm not an expert or anything. | ||
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hazdur
United States19 Posts
My wife has become a different person and the past 3 weeks... Three weeks is nothing. Seriously. I don't even water my houseplants that often. If she's been cranky for the last three weeks, she could have mononucleosis, and not even know it. Or spring allergies, or she's morning sick. Who knows? Call it a slump. Progamers have slumps, an actor/actress can have a slump, why not your wife? It could be worse. A lot worse. Life isn't a contest, but I'm guessing that you still have a lot going for you with this girl, and that we probably wouldn't even have to leave this thread to find someone that could top your or my last few weeks. My advice: 1) Get your own place to live. I think that every married woman wants to be the queen of her own castle. Even if both your and her parents are otherwise great, it's going to get annoying after a while. I remember once going to my in-laws for a barbecue, and my wife got in an argument with her sister over how to cook the hamburgers. It sounds stupid to you and me, but there was some woman's pride at stake there, and yes, she cried. Here's what I did: I sneaked out, got in my car and drove around until I found a restaurant, bought the nicest hamburger I could find, and brought it back to the house. Everyone was sitting down to eat their greasy burnt hamburgers, and my wife had the fanciest hamburger that money could buy in their town. The message was that this girl was mine now, she has my last name, and when I'm around, she gets what she wants, and everyone at the table, including her, knew that. 2) Help all you can with your daughter. If your wife says that "she doesnt know how to handle things around her if im not there", whatever the reason, she's stressing out, and asking for help. I can't tell from what you've said, but maybe that's in-law trouble, (see above) or maybe that's kid responsibility. Either way, if you're not changing diapers and making baby food when you're home, you don't even know what she's going through. 3) Find a babysitter that you (actually she) can trust. Maybe one of her girlfriends, or a cousin or something. Go on a date. Maybe the beach, or downtown, or whatever you used to do. I don't know you, or her, but I'm guessing that the whole problem is probably point #1, and you could probably win this whole thing just by getting your own place to live. The other ideas are probably easier though. Maybe just ask her what she thinks. Let her think about it. Just knowing that you care and are trying to fix the problem could potentially change her whole attitude. Kids get even funner as they get older. It gets easier. I taught my son to throw a frisbee this week. We're all going to the zoo tomorrow. It's not always good times, but I try. There's an astonighing peace of mind that comes with knowing that you're tried your best. And usually, your best is enough to fix the problem anyway. | ||
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quirinus
Croatia2489 Posts
On May 30 2014 02:55 hazdur wrote: Disclosure on me: 32, married, two kids. Three weeks is nothing. Seriously. I don't even water my houseplants that often. If she's been cranky for the last three weeks, she could have mononucleosis, and not even know it. Or spring allergies, or she's morning sick. Who knows? Call it a slump. Progamers have slumps, an actor/actress can have a slump, why not your wife? It could be worse. A lot worse. Life isn't a contest, but I'm guessing that you still have a lot going for you with this girl, and that we probably wouldn't even have to leave this thread to find someone that could top your or my last few weeks. My advice: 1) Get your own place to live. I think that every married woman wants to be the queen of her own castle. Even if both your and her parents are otherwise great, it's going to get annoying after a while. I remember once going to my in-laws for a barbecue, and my wife got in an argument with her sister over how to cook the hamburgers. It sounds stupid to you and me, but there was some woman's pride at stake there, and yes, she cried. Here's what I did: I sneaked out, got in my car and drove around until I found a restaurant, bought the nicest hamburger I could find, and brought it back to the house. Everyone was sitting down to eat their greasy burnt hamburgers, and my wife had the fanciest hamburger that money could buy in their town. The message was that this girl was mine now, she has my last name, and when I'm around, she gets what she wants, and everyone at the table, including her, knew that. 2) Help all you can with your daughter. If your wife says that "she doesnt know how to handle things around her if im not there", whatever the reason, she's stressing out, and asking for help. I can't tell from what you've said, but maybe that's in-law trouble, (see above) or maybe that's kid responsibility. Either way, if you're not changing diapers and making baby food when you're home, you don't even know what she's going through. 3) Find a babysitter that you (actually she) can trust. Maybe one of her girlfriends, or a cousin or something. Go on a date. Maybe the beach, or downtown, or whatever you used to do. I don't know you, or her, but I'm guessing that the whole problem is probably point #1, and you could probably win this whole thing just by getting your own place to live. The other ideas are probably easier though. Maybe just ask her what she thinks. Let her think about it. Just knowing that you care and are trying to fix the problem could potentially change her whole attitude. Kids get even funner as they get older. It gets easier. I taught my son to throw a frisbee this week. We're all going to the zoo tomorrow. It's not always good times, but I try. There's an astonighing peace of mind that comes with knowing that you're tried your best. And usually, your best is enough to fix the problem anyway. Very well put. I was hinting at these in my post, but it takes a person that's actually gone trough that to elaborate and put it more nicely. I agree that the 1st point is probably the most important, but takes the longest out of these (long term). The 3rd one can help short term and the 2nd one is mid term. | ||
dravernor
Netherlands6183 Posts
In short, I accepted him begrudgingly. He has been really good to me and my family, but I have never looked up to him as a father figure. If I get married, I don't know whether I would want him or my biological father that I hardly know, to walk me down the aisle. I don't know that there are many people like me, or if leaving your wife and daughter would lead to the same result, but I feel it is something you should keep in mind when making a big decision like this. Also, one year is way too short to be dating before engagement! I'm sure you realise that now though. Edit: On May 30 2014 02:55 hazdur wrote: 1) Get your own place to live. I think that every married woman wants to be the queen of her own castle. Even if both your and her parents are otherwise great, it's going to get annoying after a while. I remember once going to my in-laws for a barbecue, and my wife got in an argument with her sister over how to cook the hamburgers. It sounds stupid to you and me, but there was some woman's pride at stake there, and yes, she cried. Here's what I did: I sneaked out, got in my car and drove around until I found a restaurant, bought the nicest hamburger I could find, and brought it back to the house. Everyone was sitting down to eat their greasy burnt hamburgers, and my wife had the fanciest hamburger that money could buy in their town. The message was that this girl was mine now, she has my last name, and when I'm around, she gets what she wants, and everyone at the table, including her, knew that. This has got to be one of the cutest things I have ever heard. You're awesome. | ||
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