|
Hello TL, it has been a long time since we spoke to each other in this level, so ive decided to tell you abit of how i currently hold.
In 2010 i got married with a very special girl. Her father is from india and her mother is from persia. That being said they have some traditions different from the ones greek have. When we first got into our relationship her parents were very strict and she always had to ask for permission to go out with me etc. she was 25 at that time. I wanted to get rid of all this and set her free so i decided to get engaged with her and not only because of that but because i thought she is the right one for me and we loved each other. Thing is after we got engaged she told me that in her family there is a tradition that when u get engaged u got to get married within a 3months time. We got into a small argument but we got married.
When we got married we started living together and everything was going great.
To keep it short and not go into many many details ill just say what is the current situation.
We have a daughter that is 8 months old. My wife has become a different person and the past 3 weeks i keep feeling like i want to divorce her and we have made lots of talks about it and she sees that i am there for them because i have to and not because i want to. Yesterday night after having this conversation again she broke down and started crying alot and i just couldnt stand watching her like that so i told her that im not going anywhere and she dont have to worry. Of course i said that because i wanted her to calm down and because frankly im really confused on what should i do. The thing i know for sure is that we both love each other very much but then again she also told me she is sticking with me cause of the baby and that she doesnt know how to handle things around her if im not there. I dont know much about leaving a marriage when having a baby but if the baby wasnt in the picture we would have definately have left each other.
The thing i am afraid of most is that after a week or two we might end up having that conversation again and its getting tiring.
Has anyone been raised with only one family member? I love my child and everytime i see her she smiles at me and my heart melts but on the other hand i have a wife who is busting my balls each moment we are together. Imagine that i prefer going to work rather to be in my house. 
 
|
|
|
No use staying together, a hostile environment isn't good for children growing up. My parents divorced when I was 1 so it didn't affect me that much besides the obvious multiple home situation.
|
If you both love each other very much like you say, I would think there would be a way to stay together and hopefully resolve the problems you might be dealing with. (unless she really has drifted)
I have no idea the specifics of ur situation, but obviously it wouldn't be ideal for the kid if you got divorced. I'm always against divorce unless it's a really extreme situation.
Good luck with whatever decision you make, sounds difficult.
|
On May 29 2014 15:40 HighdraL1sk wrote:
responsibilities suck
I ll have to agree with you on that. Being your own man is the best but on the other hand "mistakes were made" and i have to accept it was a mistake for me to take that big role when me and my wife werent ready for such a change in our lives.
|
How long were you dating before you got engaged?
|
On May 29 2014 15:46 Saechiis wrote:
No use staying together, a hostile environment isn't good for children growing up. My parents divorced when I was 1 so it didn't affect me that much besides the obvious multiple home situation.
You are the reason i made this blog. Is there any way of communicating with you outside tl? Skype maybe? Of course if u dont want to talk about it i wont bother you.
|
On May 29 2014 15:49 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:
How long were you dating before you got engaged?
I knew my wife since high school. She had a crush on me since she was 14. Back then i only saw her as a friend. We met again at around age 24 were she was standing beautifull and i fell in love with her. We dated for around a year then got engaged.
|
On May 29 2014 15:46 Saechiis wrote:
No use staying together, a hostile environment isn't good for children growing up. My parents divorced when I was 1 so it didn't affect me that much besides the obvious multiple home situation.
My parents tried to "stick it out for the kids" and it was fucking awful.
Its just such an horrible environment to be in when your parent don't want to be together and are in conflict constantly, ugh. It was a huge relief when they finally divorced.
I don't know your relationship though so don't just count this as a vote for end-it or something. Just if you think you can "hang in there for a few more years" or keep it hidden from your kid then you are dead wrong.
|
Can she speak Greek? Would she return to India if you were to divorce? Having you daughter move to India would suck.
|
On May 29 2014 15:51 ffswowsucks wrote:Show nested quote +On May 29 2014 15:49 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:
How long were you dating before you got engaged? I knew my wife since high school. She had a crush on me since she was 14. Back then i only saw her as a friend. We met again at around age 24 were she was standing beautifull and i fell in love with her. We dated for around a year then got engaged.
Yeah I'd say dating for a year before getting engaged, and then being married three months later is an incredibly short amount of time to build up a solid, life-long, intimate relationship, even if you did know her platonically years earlier :/
Anyways, to answer your question: My two younger brothers and I were raised by a single parent (our mother), and we were fine. It can definitely be okay, although before you do anything drastic like divorce, you should have more serious conversations with your wife, and possibly a third party. It seems like communication is breaking down, which is necessary for a successful relationship. Three weeks of awkwardness isn't deal-breaking. Work things out. No reason to make yet another hasty decision. See if an understanding can be met first.
Good luck 
|
You are the only one who can project your current situation to the future.
How will it look like in 10-15 years if you hang in there?
Are there ways that you can get back on track together?
Mind that a dysfunctional marriage can have a worse effect on the child than a divorce.
Anyway, I'm always amazed that people can change so drastically after getting married.
|
On May 29 2014 15:58 endy wrote:
Can she speak Greek? Would she return to India if you were to divorce? Having you daughter move to India would suck.
She was born in greece and they all live in greece for the past 30+ years. I forgot to mention her parents bought my
Parents old house which is a big one and me and my in laws live in the same house not same floor tho so that was when all the problems started. The arguments between us started when my dad asked me one day when are you gonna bring ur daughter at our house to see her and i answered that my wife didnt want to because my mom is by her opinion an alchocholic which isnt the case. She sometimes drinks a glass of wine with her food...
|
I know from a little experience that sometimes a divorce is appropriate. My personal opinion is that you two should see counselling and work out your problems. Maybe you didn't go into the details, and maybe there are some very dramatic events that are perhaps life threatening or damaging. These situations would obviously make a divorce probably a good idea.
But from the little said here it just seems like you have problems that really should be worked out. You two made a life commitment and had a human child. That kid is more important now than anything else, and the divorce should only happen if it's best for the child. I can imagine deciding what is best for the kid is going to be very hard for the man of the relationship, since it's natural for a man to feel devotion to the wife, and wife to the kids.
You just have to decide on your priorities and act upon them, and I hope for the child's sake that they are your top priority.
Edit: Since you asked:
+ Show Spoiler [feels] +Yeah I was raised by just my mother. My father was physically abusive and at times I feared for my mom's life. He was a drug seller, but not like Heisenberg. Divorce happened and my mom dated a few other really shitty men, eventually remarrying to a very nice guy, but not adequate as a father, and it looks like another divorce is coming. As my life goes on I realize more and more I just want a father. I really want a father. I'm envious of every person that has a man to look up to know, to know they are making proud.
I recall many occasions where I'd find myself wishing that my friends' dads could be my dad too. I even have a friend with an absent father, who actually had the same feelings about our other friends father; he was a really cool dad and we wished he could have been our dad too.
I think the divorce was appropriate for my situation, but the consequences are real in my case. I'm dealing with these problems and will be for quite a while, and they are caused from decisions that I didn't even make. I find I deal with the problem best by playing SNES games, and trying to find other men I can admire in my daily life. Why SNES games? Because they were more of a father than I had.
I apologize for the strong words, but they are my feels man. Feels.
|
I'm married for 5 years, have a daughter, and I had shitton of arguments with my wife and we live with her parents. I never considered divorcing. I know its good to be single and there are too much annoying stuff with family. But I know one thing for sure - value of having family greatly overpasses anything life could offer without family.
I think you're not giving us enough details and yet trying to collect our opinions. I don't know you, but it smells like you want to make easier decision, and take less blaming for it. Since "well everyone thinks so".
I might be totally wrong, its just my opinion.
|
I'm gonna go against the crowd here and say that you can still give it a shot.
However:
1. It sounds like you need to get out of the freaking house.
2. What's more important, you parents meeting your wife, or your family? It's ok to pick the former, but personally I'd pick my spouse over my parents. My parents are great, but I could meet them alone.
3. If your wife thinks your mother is an alcoholic there is probably little you can do about this. Just accept it. Some people (your wife) can get super-uncomfortable and stressed around some other people (you mother) when those other people drink. They (your wife) can have their own strange reasons for feeling like that, but it's very very very hard to change. You are much better of trying to understand her than trying to convince her in this case. Ask her if your family could meet them in very short breaks, like an hour in the park or something. But don't push it.
4. I don't have a kid yet, but the first 1-2 year after they are born seem to really push the limits of relationships. A lot of people get divorced around this time, many of them because well maybe they shouldn't had a kid in the first place, but some of them just because they are too impatient to get through this period.
If everything's still shit or worse after 6 - 12 months, well fine then, maybe it would be better for your kid if you got divorced. (Listening to the others in here this does seem the case.)
BTW, can't you divorce and have shared custody? Maybe that's not the norm over there, but it's definitely possible where I live (knowing a lot of people that have done this). Completely removing yourself from your daughters life seems very extreme to me, especially if you love her (unlike some other assholes).
|
If we divorce i will see my child over the weekends and in summer. I will make a more proper reply after i have finished the surgery im currently in. (Its my job)
|
I've personally experienced the weekends thing in three different families (where I lived as apart of each family). It doesn't work. Anyone that says otherwise is misinformed or a liar.
So like I said in my other post, divorce like this requires some serious circumstances to be worth it. I don't know you and don't want to judge unfairly, but I think it's important to say what I have.
|
You guys should separate asap. Your animosity towards each other will only grow. Marriage is often times more than a union of two people but of the respective families as well. It sounds like you're in a situation where there's lots of heat between you and your wife and the extended families too, this is REALLY hard to fix.
Best of luck bro, you're both still young this can work out fine.
|
I'm not gonna tell you what to do one way or the other, but I just think you should know, that whatever qualms you have about raising your child separate from your wife, it can be just as bad or worse for your daughter to stay together only for that reason.
I can't talk from first hand experience, but it happened to my cousin. I was close to her early in my life and grew up with her until we began drifting apart in middle school. Her parents had three daughters, she being the youngest, and they had long since decided they were done with each other (well, her mother did anyway) but had decided to stay together long enough for the kids to grow up. It didn't last that long, and things came to a head when we were entering our freshman year of high school. Her mom was having a (lengthy) affair with the local scoutmaster, who we all knew, and by this time there was no semblance of hiding it anymore. Her parent broke apart rather harshly and she never forgave her mother for it, especially since she was such a daddy's girl and it was so unfair/hard on him. His death soon afterwards certainly didn't help things, and to this day I know she still resents her mother for essentially driving him away and into poor health due the breakup. It was more devastating to my cousin than if they had just split apart over a decade ago. My parents did and while it was fairly harsh, my sister helped us cope and there has been time to heal and forgive/forget since then. We still have strong relationships with both our parents , and I would say it's because of the fact we grew up getting used to it, rather than the sudden shock of it hitting later in our childhoods.
Sorry to rant in your blog, but I just want you know you should weigh your options and consider what will be best for your daughter. As far as that goes, you have to remember that you will have to shoulder weight either way, whether you stay together for her sake or split now to rip the band-aid off the wound fast, so to speak.
You really need to consider things and keep you wife in the loop about how you feel about it, as well as listening to her thoughts. Getting some outside help could help you too. If not a marriage counseller than at least some neutral party (not either of your parents, for example) to help you see the other side of things.
|
|
|
|
|
|
EPT
