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Dear Teamliquid community,
It is with a heavy heart that I must announcement my retirement from progaming to pursue a career in progaming. I quit my job, cancelled my college classes, opened the door and let my cat run away, told my parents I wouldn't be calling for awhile, stocked up on Top Ramen, and plan to practice 20 hours a day to go pro. This is my dream for a long time and I think I can totally make it work because I'm really fucking smart, and I feel like if I had the free time, and could apply my incredible intellect, I could easily go pro. I plan to ladder for 8 hours, take a break to poop, watch replays for 2 hours, then practice for 10 hours, then use the remaining 4 hours of the day to eat, drink Liquid Liquid (the new official drink of TeamLiquid.net), and then drink all the energy drinks, like Thorngristle Pump Juice, School Shooting Energy Drink, and Bear Semen. This will keep me in a constant state of awakeness to continue playing more and more so I can become a progamer.
GOALZ:
1: WIN TOURNY
2: GET PICKED UP BY PROTEAM
3: BECOME PROGRAMMER
4: GO 2 KOREA AND WIN
Once I become a famous progamer, don't worry, I will still post on TL.net and talk to the little people and give coaching lessons for 1,000 dollars per hour, but trust me, it will be worth it. In that single hour, I will slam so much information up your brainhole that you feel like your head is gonna explode because you got shot by one of those guns from Gantz.
Here is a random picture of a man kissing a tiny giraffe.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/13Jnlk3.gif)
MEanwhile, back in Russia...
If you thought "OMG SUCH TRYHARD HUMORZ IM WAY TOO INTELLECHEWUL 4 THIS" then I want to let you know something. It's April Fool's Day. So if I say something serious, it's probably some kind of cruel prank designed to "celebrate" by misleading my friends and family. However, if I say something ridiculous, it's probably gonna be true. Or maybe that was a double-trick. The level of meta-gaming here is probably fuckin' with you pretty hard, so sit your delicious fine ass down, light up a blunt (smoke weed 420 all day blaze up dat dank kush 24/7 fuck da police pass dat joint legalize the leaf homie roll fat doobies it's an herb not a drug), and let me tell you a story that will calm your soul/leave you shaking your head.
So I saw this girl at work, and I just wanted to hug her really badly. I started looking for an excuse to hug her, and possibly smell her hair, and fill my nostrils with the scent so I could remember the smell the next time I slowly carve Hebrew letters into my arm while watching snuff films to get off. Reaching into my pocket for a cigarette, I gazed off into space, my eyes glazed over from the jaded dull facade we call "living". The girl was browsing through the produce, apparently trying to get some fiber into her diet. I imagined what her poop must be like. Probably not very soft. But no, I told myself, most people eat fruit because they believe that it has "vitamins" and "natural sugars" because they have no idea what the chemicals going into their body are going to do, and therefore, she probably just liked fruits. I kept watching to see if she would go over to the cucumbers and pick out a really long, thick one, but alas, she managed to purposefully evade the cucumbers, probably just to spite me, dumb slut.
As I watched her, I found myself hating her and wanting for her to slip on some kind of puddle and be seriously injured. Then, I surmised, I could kindly nurse her back to health in my home, feeding her chicken noodle soup while holding the spoon, and checking her heart condition with my hand before playfully sliding it onto her breast. The very thought of it caused a single drop of blood to roll gleefully from my nose and fall gracefully to the floor before making a tiny splash that would stain the ground forever. Still, I thought, this was implausible, and all I wanted was a hug and to feel her breasts against mine in a sensual embrace where she would whisper taboo nothings into my ear that, if heard by any rational human being, would cause society to instantly shun her. We could then go to the park and toss stale bread to the ducks together while talking about video games and kiss openly without shame. We would sit on the park bench and watch the sun slowly set, waiting for everyone to leave the park after twilight hours to defile the entire premises with the most unholy of carnal indulgences.
As I mused dreamily over this, she approached the counter with two plastic bags full of fruits and vegetables that she would later probably stuff into her dirty slut mouth while moaning loudly. "What do I owe ya?" She asked in her Minnesota accent that left me disgusted; but I didn't want her to talk, only to be an object of pleasure. I hated myself for every second I stood frozen there for what seemed to be an eternity before finally saying "It... it's free. You can have it for free."
She seemed perplexed and asked why it was free. I wanted to scream out, "Because you stupid whore, so you can owe me a favor of my choosing." but I simply said "Just take it." and she stood there, stunned. I wonder what she was thinking at that moment. Maybe she was looking at me and checking out my body to see if it was up to her oh-so-high-and-mighty standards, and probably she was. She only asked if it was really okay, and I mumbled something and she left without thanking me for my extreme generosity, or offering to be my lethbian girlfriend and move into my house and play StarCraft with me every day. Stupid fucking whore, I hate her guts to this day for everything she did to me that day. After that, I cried myself to sleep and tried to overdose on aspirin, but just ended up throwing up profusely and hallucinating really bad. Maybe it wasn't really aspirin.
That night, I looked up at the stars and saw a shooting star. I made wish, deep down in my heart that someday, I would find someone who wouldn't break my heart like that dumb-ass bitch did. Suddenly, a fairy godmother appeared, and she was dressed in an all shining-white dress, and wore a tiara made of light in her beautiful golden locks of hair. "Hello my child." she said in a wondrous voice. I just stared at her in wonder, and felt just happiness, nothing but sheer happiness. Then she turned around, hiked up her dress and pooped out a rolled-up pizza out of her butthole. When the pizza hit the ground, it unrolled like a scroll, and we cut the pizza up and ate it and watched Watership Down that night. Just for clarity, it was just a regular pizza, and did not have poop on it.
The end
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/JSiqLsp.jpg)
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/EU92Krg.gif)
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/7hYGdXZ.gif)
+ Show Spoiler +SHOUT OUTS TO SHAUNI, MY NIGGA FRIEND. ALSO DRAW, I KNOW I ALREADY TOLD THE FAIRY GODMOTHER PIZZA PART ON SKYPE BUT IT HAD TO BE SHARED WITH THE WORLD ![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/BMU9W6X.gif) ![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/Aoul3mu.gif)
If this doesn't get my blog featured, then I really don't understand what you want from me, because that was a timeless masterpiece.
 
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I sat here contemplating ... and this seems to be the only response.
+ Show Spoiler +
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On April 01 2014 19:06 hellokitty[hk] wrote:
People are imbeciles, lucky thing god made cats.
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/y7YmJkI.jpg)
Also, fuck you.
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your Country52797 Posts
Anyone know where I can get some liquid liquid?
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Splendid execution of an "April 1st" stylistic blog. I enjoyed the creative intertwining of several distinct, yet related, Team Liquid blog archetypal themes and especially your rendition of the social outcast: who yearns for women yet whose desire fluctuates between loathing and worship, with only minimal and confused outward manifestations towards the subject of this inner turmoil; and never realizing that such torrents of contradictory emotion are but a transference of the narrator's own twisted sense of self-actualization. Your hyperbolic approach to the genre yields both a sense of detached and jovial amusement as well as one of profound catharsis; for who among us has not been confronted by the shades of such hopeless emotional torment? It took several rereads of the girl blog portion but I can, in fact, confirm that I cry evry time and that i lik dis
5/5
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ninazerg and shauni are the same person. mind = blown!
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You lost me at the death metal song.
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get outta here you landwhale you
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So what game exactly are you going to go pro at?
Also minus points for mentioning toss and video games in the same sentence.
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Very good use of pizza poops.
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hahah this is winning reply
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i hope this wont be the end for your rapping career
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On April 01 2014 22:45 DarkNetHunter wrote:hahah this is winning reply
What do I win?
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LOL that potato girl from attack on titan (sasha?) is my hero
blog went steadily downhill after that tho
then repeaked for the for the skull pic
it was like a massive potential well of content
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Shauni is the tenth Muse.
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I was wondering why this felt so familiar. I didn't know Nina was Shauni's alt.
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Magic Woods9326 Posts
potato girl is so fucking cute
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where is the 10 stars button
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I thought bear semen was the official tl drink sponsor?
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wtf....
also girls dont poop, everyone knows that
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On April 02 2014 06:24 Shock710 wrote:
wtf....
also girls dont poop, everyone knows that
Magical fairies do.
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On April 02 2014 06:24 Shock710 wrote:
wtf....
also girls dont poop, everyone knows that
Tell it to my toilet.
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ALLEYCAT BLUES50754 Posts
why is that squid eating a lobster.
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TLADT24920 Posts
On April 01 2014 19:00 ninazerg wrote:
GOALZ:
1: WIN TOURNY
2: GET PICKED UP BY PROTEAM
3: BECOME PROGRAMMER
4: GO 2 KOREA AND WIN
I'm sorry to say this but a proteam won't have much of a use for someone who isn't a progamer 
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The admixture of parody and heightened reality is heady. Having quaffed the whole, my immediate thought was, "I desire another".
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On April 02 2014 14:30 BigFan wrote:Show nested quote +On April 01 2014 19:00 ninazerg wrote:
GOALZ:
1: WIN TOURNY
2: GET PICKED UP BY PROTEAM
3: BECOME PROGRAMMER
4: GO 2 KOREA AND WIN
I'm sorry to say this but a proteam won't have much of a use for someone who isn't a progamer
Let me axe you a serious question. How does one become a professional? They get paid by a sponsored team. How do you join a sponsored team? Get GM on NA server? Naw. You have to win a tournament. Then a team approaches you and says "Hey, want us to sponsor you?" and then you join them, which makes you a pro-gamer.
Also, I said "programmer"
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First part was really worthless (as probably intended, if I had to make a guess), I didn't really care.
I liked the second part though. Feature-worthy!
And all hail the Church of Shauni.
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This is absurd and I like it. It's like real life.
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I was going to report the OP as other reason. Not featured. But realised it was a bad idea in the nick of time. Suggest somebody else try it out and see if it works.
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You're trying too hard, 1/5
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did that chick just eat a whole lobster?
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TLADT24920 Posts
On April 02 2014 14:54 ninazerg wrote:Show nested quote +On April 02 2014 14:30 BigFan wrote:On April 01 2014 19:00 ninazerg wrote:
GOALZ:
1: WIN TOURNY
2: GET PICKED UP BY PROTEAM
3: BECOME PROGRAMMER
4: GO 2 KOREA AND WIN
I'm sorry to say this but a proteam won't have much of a use for someone who isn't a progamer Let me axe you a serious question. How does one become a professional? They get paid by a sponsored team. How do you join a sponsored team? Get GM on NA server? Naw. You have to win a tournament. Then a team approaches you and says "Hey, want us to sponsor you?" and then you join them, which makes you a pro-gamer. Also, I said "programmer"
yep, I caught the programmer. So both a progamer and programmer? Such an epic life being infront of a pc for 13+ hours a day
+ Show Spoiler +I'm sure this was a purposeful mistake on your part though lol. Cue humour lol.
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On April 03 2014 10:51 9-BiT wrote:
did that chick just eat a whole lobster?
Yeah. And keep in mind, she's incredibly small, so she ate an object 50 times her size and weight.
Hate:
On April 03 2014 06:50 Yurie wrote:
I was going to report the OP as other reason. Not featured. But realised it was a bad idea in the nick of time. Suggest somebody else try it out and see if it works.
On April 03 2014 10:45 NeuroticPsychosis wrote:
You're trying too hard, 1/5
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
+ Show Spoiler +
On April 03 2014 11:01 BigFan wrote:Show nested quote +On April 02 2014 14:54 ninazerg wrote:On April 02 2014 14:30 BigFan wrote:On April 01 2014 19:00 ninazerg wrote:
GOALZ:
1: WIN TOURNY
2: GET PICKED UP BY PROTEAM
3: BECOME PROGRAMMER
4: GO 2 KOREA AND WIN
I'm sorry to say this but a proteam won't have much of a use for someone who isn't a progamer Let me axe you a serious question. How does one become a professional? They get paid by a sponsored team. How do you join a sponsored team? Get GM on NA server? Naw. You have to win a tournament. Then a team approaches you and says "Hey, want us to sponsor you?" and then you join them, which makes you a pro-gamer. Also, I said "programmer" yep, I caught the programmer. So both a progamer and programmer? Such an epic life being infront of a pc for 13+ hours a day + Show Spoiler +I'm sure this was a purposeful mistake on your part though lol. Cue humour lol.
No, it was an accident that I will regret for the rest of my life. I never meant to type "programmer"... but I guess I have to live with what I've done.
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On April 03 2014 10:45 NeuroticPsychosis wrote:
You're trying too hard, 1/5
Stare into the dark mirror (for you) that is this OP.
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I thought the joke was that neuroticpsychosis guy writes long ass blogs about fictional things that im not sure how many people read
figured it was supposed to be ironic but i dont know the guy enough to confirm, thought it might be some kind of troll account
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Looks like I've unintentionally hijacked this blog now.
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you can't hijack the blog, merely the current direction (in the figurative sense of course) of the comment section
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Canada11479 Posts
This has all the things.
Like all TL Blogs rolled up into one... but on drugs.
A drug trip.
But a good trip.
Not like a scary acid trip.
Just really, really weird.
Like that tunnel in the 70's Wonka factory.
That one...
... ...i broek.
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I dont know whether or not to be impressed or be impressed by this well-written blog
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This was the first time I read your blog, and looks like I got lucky.
2 Things:
1. I imagined what her poop must be like.
2. Programmer
5/5
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wtf, you let your cat run away?
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On May 14 2014 14:04 guitarizt wrote:
wtf, you let your cat run away?
yeah
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Dead fora so I clicked on blogs to see if I could find life. You have a fascinating mind. Now visit in blogs is done because the others seem really lame. I have only seen their titles but I can tell. I will sleep now.
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Even weirder the second time around. Though I'm not sure if I'm allowed to talk about someone else writing weird shit.
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You can't say that word! I'm telling Mom on you!
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The girl blog portion reminds me of that guy on here that thought smelling a girls jacket in front of her wasn't strange and wondered why he couldn't get a girlfriend.
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On May 16 2014 17:12 yokohama wrote:
The girl blog portion reminds me of that guy on here that thought smelling a girls jacket in front of her wasn't strange and wondered why he couldn't get a girlfriend.
COULD IT BE A COINCIDENCE??????
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/6fvTLe9.jpg)
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On May 17 2014 03:26 ninazerg wrote:Show nested quote +On May 16 2014 17:12 yokohama wrote:
The girl blog portion reminds me of that guy on here that thought smelling a girls jacket in front of her wasn't strange and wondered why he couldn't get a girlfriend. COULD IT BE A COINCIDENCE??????
hahahaha too perfect. <3
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EPT![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/3uYCKiT.gif)
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/3hH8KDo.jpg)
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![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/7VDv6vU.gif)
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