EPTJust kidding. See, you thought you had cancer for a second, and now everything else doesn't seem quite as bad. Now you see the entire world in the perspective of being relative to potentially having a battle with cancer of the tibia.
But if you're like many of the people in the world, your thought process was like "There goes crazy ol' Nina again with her try-hard humor failing hard", well fuck you, dumbass. Uh. Also, some people would go "Well, geez, I don't feel better at all. You just almost gave me a heart-attack and stressed me out, and I still have problems!" whereas, the above would make them go "Wow, I never thought of that before, thanxxxx!" and you know what? That's normal.
The point is, your experience isn't everyone else's experience.
This should be glaringly obvious, but you see, my friends, there are certain individuals who have taken it upon themselves to hand down glorious breadcrumbs of wisdom to their fellow men from their golden cloud of knowledge when it comes to relationships with women. I find myself face-palming occasionally, and I mean actually face-palming. So in this analysis, we're going to examine several types of relationship problems, and then I'm going to offer some advice of my own that is going to rock your world. But first, we must establish a few terms.
What is a woman?
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![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/RzVwuxF.jpg)
A woman is a rare type of pokemon that you can only capture with a master ball. Search the area around the Cerulean City and you might find a mysterious cave which you will enter... this is known as the "vagina".
What is a blog?
Blogs were invented by computer geeks keeping web-logs where they would talk about programming and stuff and web 1.0 but has turned into a clusterfuck of human thoughts plastering themselves all over some virtual reality.
Now that that's out of the way, let's look at some various problems:
- There is a girl I like, but we've never spoken to each other and I'm not sure she knows I exist.
- There is a girl I like, but we barely know each other and I think she has a boyfriend.
- There is a girl I like, but she definitely has a boyfriend.
- There is a girl I like, but she is a vocaloid.
- There is a girl I like, but we are just friends and have been for years.
- There is a girl I like, but we are just fuck-buddies and I'm falling in love with her even though she doesn't want anything serious.
- There is a girl I like, but I smoke crack.
Do you see the pattern!? So you see, with all patterns, there is a natural human tendency to believe two very easy fallacies: first, that the pattern is universal, and second, that the pattern is ever-continuous. The first false pattern manifests itself by those who believe it as an axiomatic tendency to believe that if x=1, then ALL variables will equal 1. For example, you place a banana in a blender and chop it up. It works. Then you place a steak into a blender and chop it into a disgusting pink sludge. It works. So you assume that you can just chop up anything in the blender, and stick a garden shovel into your blender, and then bad things happen.
How does this apply to relationship advice? Simply put: not one size fits all. Someone else's advice might not fit your situation, and is therefore, essentially useless. Most people know this, which is why they give vague advice to encourage you. The more specific or dogmatic the advice is, the more prone to error it may be for you. I'm not saying the advice is erroneous to the person giving it, but they are not you, so what works for them may not work for you, especially when it comes to specifics. For example, if they have a charming smile, they would recommend smiling a lot, but if your smile is creepy and weird, then it might be best if you just put a bag over your head.
The second pattern that is a lie is that if something becomes a pattern, that this pattern will continue indefinitely. This is obviously wrong because if it were true, a kitten would grow into a cat, and then the cat would continue growing until it escapes the Earth's atmosphere and becomes its own celestial body. This logic is often painfully ignored by people who work in finance, because they latch onto market bubbles which often burst and lose money. This is especially painful if you have trouble with relationships, because once you have a few disappointments, it can feel like the world is against you. And perhaps the world is against you. If so, good. Then you can Courage-Wolf it, which I will explain shortly.
You may find yourself saying or hearing things like "All women only care about money", or "All bitches is hoes", or "All my ex-girlfriends say I'm the reason they turned into lesbians". So first of all, you have to do the unthinkable and bury your past experiences in the ground. A good way to do this would be to find a picture of your crushes, ex-gfs, ex-bfs, friendzone friends, and so on, and print a picture of their face onto some paper. Then take the pictures outside, and dig a little hole in the ground with a regular garden shovel. Then, set each picture on fire, and bury the ashes in the in the pit and then stomp on it. Don't let anyone see you do this, or they will think you are psychotic. If anyone sees you buying the garden shovel and they know you and say "Hey, what's the shovel for?", just look off into the distance, as if you are lost in some hateful memory of undying revenge and say in a quiet, almost-whisper voice "I have business to take care of." This act will only work if you give it meaning. A great way to give something meaning is to invest money into it. Also, remember! You're killing bad memories, not actual people.
My advice #1: Your advice sucks ass
If you see someone writing a girl blog, you may want to give some advice. But your advice probably sucks, especially if you're a big tough alpha-male who wants to educate all the wimps on the internet who get all caught up on their "feelings" like a bunch of pussies. If you find yourself typing out stuff like "Grow some balls", "You sound entitled", "No girl is gonna want a wimp for a boyfriend", "Man up", "Don't put pussy on a pedestal", or "Invest in chloroform", then I want you to take your PC and throw it onto concrete very very hard once, or several times until it breaks and can no longer function. This will effectively prevent you from accessing the internet and sharing your advice for at least a few hours, depending on how rich you are.
It's okay for guys to be nice, sensitive, caring, thoughtful, scared, nerdy, and even a little weird. These aren't anything negative, unless you view them as negative traits because you're trying to attract someone who doesn't respond well to those traits. The good news is, you don't have to pursue only one person in the world, and also, if you want to chance something about yourself, you can do it, but it will take a lot of hard work and time, so be ready to GO THROUGH HELL if you want make yourself a different person. Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't. Maybe you'll change, and then they'll change as well. As long as you're changing into someone you like, then it's a good thing. If you feel like you don't like yourself, then maybe that needs to change, because you need to like the person in the mirror.
"But I can't like myself." you say.
My advice #2: COURAGE-WOLF IT
There is an incredible meme called Courage-Wolf. It is a picture of a wolf with some yellow background and white letters saying Courage-Wolfesque things. If you feel like you lack anything, then listen to some inspirational music REALLY loud, and just read no less than 100 Courage-Wolf memes. You will feel like you can lift a car afterwards. But don't try to actually do that, or you will hurt yourself.
That was a test. Actually try to lift a car. Don't listen to me or anybody else, even your probation officer. If you want to do something, do it. For it is written: "Preach the word! Be ready in season and out of season. Convince, rebuke, exhort, with all longsuffering and teaching. For the time will come when they will not endure sound doctrine, but according to their own desires, because they have itching ears, they will heap up for themselves teachers; and they will turn their ears away from the truth, and be turned aside to fables,but you be watchful in all things, endure afflictions, do the work of an evangelist, fulfill your ministry. For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure is at hand. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/2ZAPcEH.png)
(If you haven't watched Pulp Fiction, do it now)
The point is you need to hashtag yoh-loh it and Courage-Wolf it. If that does not work, you may need to upgrade to Insanity Wolf, but I do not recommend this unless you are so shy that only the sheer level of psychosis of Insanity Wolf can shake you out of your stupor of timidity.
My advice #3: You know...
If you have someone who is your friend, and you got friendzoned, that blows major bananas. Well, in some cases, it does. Like, I read some guy's post where his girlfriend was sleeping in his bed and showering in his bathroom and eating his food, and wasn't putting out!? Like damn gurl, you on some kind of hustle. Don't get played. That's a bunch of poopy ass-dicks covered in semen. Just tell that bitch to gtfo. It will be messy and there will much protest, but it must be done for the good of all humanity. However, you may have a genuine friend, who doesn't take advantage of you, who just enjoys your company as a human being, but you want to fuck. Well, you know what? That's a normal human feeling, because we are invariably connected and often defined by our need to express ourselves sexually, and to be sexual beings.
Unfortunately, sex is very complexicated, so it can be a good thing, but it can also be a very bad thing. Your awesome friend - maybe you don't need to hook up with them. Perhaps that's not the answer you wanted to hear, but a lot of people just post so that other people can validate what they've already decided to do. Validation, of course, can be instrumental in making important decisions decisively, but when asking for genuine advice, you will always get the advice you tailor your inquiry for. So if you've already decided, just do what you've decided. But my advice, is really simple: if you want to date, find someone who wants to date you. If you have a friend and enjoy their friendship, but they don't want to date you, just stay friends. If you're not sure if they want to date you and are trying to send you "signals", well, there's no way I can know what to tell you because nobody in the world can read another person's specific thoughts based on vague actions, but I should say that some actions are less vague than others; a little bit of relationship advice from comrade Lenin.
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im a gurlzzzz :3
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Also, I'm a rational human being.
