The year is 2015, and the world has fallen into chaos. Riots across the globe erupt as the economy collapses and international trade falls apart. The future is bleak (thanks a lot, Obama!) and Democracy no longer rules in America. In this dystopian universe, the President of the United States of America is no longer chosen by elect, but by gladiatorial wild animal single elimination tournament. The rules of the tournament are simple: each contestant chooses an animal. Two animals goes in, one comes out until only one remains!. Between each round you get to replace your animal with another copy of the same animal if it's tired or whatever, but you can't change what animal you've picked between rounds. The grand prize: the winner gets to choose the next President of the United States.
By cunning or guile or bribery you've made it to the the first round of the tourney. You have a chance to choose the next President and potential save the world! You have only one decision left to make:
Which animal do you choose to fight for you, and why? Make sure to also explain how your animal is gonna totally shit on whatever other animals the other contestants will choose.
Oh yeah your animal doesn't get to bring items in with it. So you can't pick like "homo sapiens" and it just be like a guy with a gun. If you pick a human you get a regular naked human.
Edit: okay actually your human gets to wear like jeans shoes and a shirt
There's a separate tournament for aquatic animals held on even-numbered years-- since it's an odd-numbered year the arena is not aquatic. You can take a jellyfish for this year but it'll have trouble fighting elephants in the like since it'll drown very quickly on land.
E: Personally I'd pick a Snake since they lack natural predators. Like a good poisonous snake that might be venomous enough to kill something big like a bear or an elephant and quick enough to avoid being seen or eaten by anything.
On May 24 2013 03:41 Blazinghand wrote: Oh yeah your animal doesn't get to bring items in with it. So you can't pick like "homo sapiens" and it just be like a guy with a gun. If you pick a human you get a regular naked human.
Edit: okay actually your human gets to wear like jeans shoes and a shirt
okay so the arena is like arena like the romans fought in, but studded with trees, bushes, and rocks. There's not water or a lake or anything, and the ground isn't sloped but it's not like a track. Imagine like badlands with more trees
Also: "Due to its striking hunting technique, the Peregrine has often been associated with aggression and martial prowess. Native Americans of the Mississippian culture (c. 800–1500) used the Peregrine, along with several other birds of prey, in imagery as a symbol of "aerial (celestial) power" and buried men of high status in costumes associating to the ferocity of "raptorial" birds.[90] In the late Middle Ages, the Western European nobility that used Peregrines for hunting, considered the bird associated with princes in formal hierarchies of birds of prey, just below the Gyrfalcon associated with kings. It was considered "a royal bird, more armed by its courage than its claws"."
If you pick something that's planning to hide for 10 years until the other animal dies, by the way, bear in mind that the USA will be without a president in the post-Apocalypse during that whole time, and everyone will know it's your fault.
Pretty sure it takes less than 10 years for most animals to die from starvation lol Actually dehydration would kill most first Face it,the Tardigrade is your champion wimpy mortals.
On May 24 2013 03:51 Shadowpostin wrote: Pretty sure it takes less than 10 years for most animals to die from starvation lol Actually dehydration would kill most first Face it,the Tardigrade is your champion wimpy mortals.
Would that thing outlast a Galapagos turtle? no reproduction allowed. assuming the arena has shit they can both eat.
quick blazinghand add some water to the arena so i can win.
I choose.... Teddy Motherfuckin` `Murica Roosevelt. He will use his grizzly strength to take down any big animals 1v1 SSBMNoItemsFinalDestinationOnly. He can take off his frame-less pimp glasses and use his laser vision to decimate water bear scum. Weak, womenly animals like the poison dart frog or venomous snakes will be foiled by the ambrosia flowing through his veins.
Once I win, I will elect him as President and he will rule post apocalyptic earth with fist and fright.
On May 24 2013 03:51 Shadowpostin wrote: Pretty sure it takes less than 10 years for most animals to die from starvation lol Actually dehydration would kill most first Face it,the Tardigrade is your champion wimpy mortals.
Would that thing outlast a Galapagos turtle? no reproduction allowed. assuming the arena has shit they can both eat.
quick blazinghand add some water to the arena so i can win.
nop,the tardigrade can live WITHOUT ANY food or water for 120 years,which is longer than the turtle with food lol these things are basically indestructible
On May 24 2013 04:04 farvacola wrote: So are animal rights suddenly not a thing in 2 years, or have they developed some means of granting consent?
We're talking about a tournament where animals fight to the death to choose the president of the USA in a post-apocalyptic environment, and the part you find unbelievable is the lack of animal rights?
On May 24 2013 04:04 farvacola wrote: So are animal rights suddenly not a thing in 2 years, or have they developed some means of granting consent?
We're talking about a tournament where animals fight to the death to choose the president of the USA in a post-apocalyptic environment, and the part you find unbelievable is the lack of animal rights?
I guess the only way to prevent something like a tardigrade to bore people to death you need to instal a judge that will automatically disqualify a animal for being passive.
Are we allowed to indirectly alter the behavior of our animal? For instance, if I were to choose a wolf, would I be permitted to deprive it of food to the point where it becomes hyper-aggressive due to starvation?
On May 24 2013 04:12 Archas wrote: Are we allowed to indirectly alter the behavior of our animal? For instance, if I were to choose a wolf, would I be permitted to deprive it of food to the point where it becomes hyper-aggressive due to starvation?
I can see there being no other way, as this is how we get animals to fight today. Good luck with your wolf against a pissed off hippo though
I would like to see a hippo in a video game style arena where its just the hippo against a succession of tougher animals until the hippo cant win by just sitting on its opponent.
On May 24 2013 03:47 Shadowpostin wrote: My choice: a Tardigrade Assuming the fight is "to the death" the other animal would just die of starvation eventually.
Wait, is it fight to the death? Or do-nothing-and-hope-your-opponent-dies-to-environmental-circumstances to the death?
In the latter I pick the Aldabra giant tortoise. I bet it would eat the tardigrade before eventually (after a long long time) dying of starvation/dehydration.
Okay I'm going to go with the poison dart frog as well. It eats insects so hopefully it can find that crazy tardigarde even if its technically an animal, and its poison is extremely deadly against anything else.
Dragon. Yes, at 2014 scientists will discover immortal dragons thriving within the Earth with all cool shit like fire breath and invincible scales. What, you'd thought economy was the real reason the world fell into chaos?
On May 24 2013 05:48 radscorpion9 wrote: Okay I'm going to go with the poison dart frog as well. It eats insects so hopefully it can find that crazy tardigarde even if its technically an animal, and its poison is extremely deadly against anything else.
Yeah, I'm happy with my elephant stomping on dart frogs and aardvarks.
Either that, or my giant tortoise dozing for 250 years.
Bro, I got bad news about your expensive elephant that just stomped on my cheap-ass poison dart frog. Round 2 starts and you'll have to supply another elephant. I hope you're not planning on paying for them with the tournament winnings ha!
What is the terrain? Is there trees and stuff? Is it like in super smash brothers on the pokemon stage where it changes elements? This is crucial information for picking the ultimate animal.
Pretty sure dying from poison after the frog got stomped still means the elephant wins. Gladiators can 'win' bouts then die of their injuries.
I'm not sure if anything could take down a bull elephant before getting destroyed (on land). I'll go with the White/Siberian Tiger. Can take down Asian bull elephants and possibly an African one if hungry enough.
Gonna go with a Polar Bear for the land competition as they are quite intelligent, large and feel like they could stand up to a diverse set of opponents. They're cautious and if needed will injure their prey and return later to finish the job. My biggest fear seems to be elephants or hippos imo which I thought about as well.
Aquatic competition im going to have to go with a killer whale. Thought about sharks and the giant squid initially, but the size and aggression of the killer whale trumps it for sure.
Does the animal still have to exist or do we have time machines in 2015? If so I'm obviously going to choose a T-Rex. Hey there baboon! stomp. Sup mr. Lion! stomp. Your trunk tastes fantastic mr Elephant!
On May 24 2013 12:11 B.I.G. wrote: Does the animal still have to exist or do we have time machines in 2015? If so I'm obviously going to choose a T-Rex. Hey there baboon! stomp. Sup mr. Lion! stomp. Your trunk tastes fantastic mr Elephant!
Pretty sure there were a couple larger dinosaurs that were higher up on the food chain than the T-Rex.
I'm going to have to go with a polar bear. Thing is so damn deadly that anything that it can reach will probably be dead in minutes, it isn't afraid of anything, will eat anything, and anything that can get away from it (like a bird) probably won't be a threat.
On May 24 2013 11:37 KingDime wrote: Gonna go with a Polar Bear for the land competition as they are quite intelligent, large and feel like they could stand up to a diverse set of opponents. They're cautious and if needed will injure their prey and return later to finish the job. My biggest fear seems to be elephants or hippos imo which I thought about as well.
Aquatic competition im going to have to go with a killer whale. Thought about sharks and the giant squid initially, but the size and aggression of the killer whale trumps it for sure.
Which animal do you choose to fight for you, and why? Make sure to also explain how your animal is gonna totally shit on whatever other animals the other contestants will choose.
in the non-tardigrade meta (surely someone else will risk like anteater to get that fucker dead, or a human to I dunno, light a fire or some shit to get the 1 mm fucker) I'd go with some bear.
and ezpz got the shit part covered, for everyone who has watched grizzly man
Does immortal jelly fish fight ? If not then I'll choose the deep sea giant squid, since they are the closest to a kraken, and everyone knows kraken is badass.
Btw everyone who has ever watched "The most Xtreme" on animal planet will own this haha.
A motherfucking housecat. They dominate humans easily, even with all our tools and weapons. When I look in my cat's eyes, all I see is amused contempt, yet I mindlessly continue to feed her, pet her, and turn on the TV when she asks. There has to be a reason for such confidence, charisma and commanding aura. Probably some sort of mass destruction weapon hidden somewhere in their fur.
Btw, did you notice that when you take a picture of a cat by night, if they noticed you, they throw lasers at you with their eyes, in an attempt to destroy your camera and all the evidence of their night-time evil deeds?
Guys let's balance this shit I have a proposed rule: Based on your animal's size is how many you get so for example only 1 elephant but if you choose hyena you get 3-5
EPT
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