You've Got Spam!

The time had finally come with the home all to myself. I went to the fridge and prepared Mr. Eggleston upon the slaughtering platter. He was sentence to death by penile bludgeoning, scrambling, frying, and finally consumption.



My plan was to initially wield my sausage as a weapon and smash Mr. Eggleston into oblivion. I would be the executioner and my penis the ax that ended the condemned foe. I left him on the counter and returned to my room to prepare myself for the task at hand. When I had prepared myself it quickly became apparent that the kitchen was too far from my room and the durability of my weapon would decrease in the time it took to travel there.

Mr. Eggleston was relocated to my desk. Though the travel problem had been solved, having an egg that has been sentenced to death sitting on my desk made preparation more difficult. Throughout my preparation I was constantly reminded of the impending death of Mr. Eggleston. I could not shake it from my mind.

As I was nearing my readiness for my first blow, I hesitated too long and had to return to a small bit more of preparation. After a few moments longer, I turned and brought down my weapon upon him like a mighty sledge hammer. My weapon was to spongy. Mr. Eggleston survived the blow unscathed while my weapon reverberated with a small twinge of pain.

After a few moments, when the throb of pain subsided, I went back to preparation and took a couple more swings at Mr. Eggleston, but to no avail. My weapon appeared not to be forged of steel. I had wielded more sturdy weapons in the past, but today was not one of those days. Perhaps the task being kept in the back of my mind kept me from bringing out the best weapons in my armory.

Mr. Eggleston survived his sentencing and I was reluctant to return him to the fridge, stow my weapon, and return to my room as a failure.

~

MysteryMeat1 is quite the man! He is also right about table height being a factor. I'm pretty sure the bludgeoning method is the best method to use, as it's the best way to produce enough force (aside from maybe setting your penis on top of the egg and pushing down with your hands, but that doesn't seem within the spirit of the task). There are times in the past where I know I would have been much more capable and might have been able to succeed. In my attempts today I could certainly see that the task is indeed possible, and maybe I will revisit the challenge at some point later in time when I am feeling a bit more capable.