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lolsixtynine
United States600 Posts
On July 25 2011 05:03 ILOVEKITTENS wrote: As you said this question is very obtuse, and therefore it's impossible to give a concrete answer. I believe you may have meant "abstruse", unless you were trying to insult your questioner :D edit: spelling | ||
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ILOVEKITTENS
Korea (South)112 Posts
On July 25 2011 19:37 wbirdy wrote: hey, is it possible to PM you questions instead? Yes. On July 25 2011 23:17 lolsixtynine wrote: I believe you may have meant "abstruse", unless you were trying to insult your questioner :D edit: spelling I was trying to say like "broad" I guess is the closer meaning translation, I translated verbatim T-T; | ||
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Deleted User 101379
4849 Posts
I work all day, don't ever go out and don't like going out, i have no friends due to being relatively new in town, all suitable female persons (suitable=are female,single and 18+) on FB in a 100km area ignored my messages and i spend my evenings/weekends playing games. How do i find a woman to marry before my 30th birthday in 4 month? Importing women from eastern europe/asia is not an option. + Show Spoiler + Not all mentioned facts are fully correct, some are  | ||
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ILOVEKITTENS
Korea (South)112 Posts
On July 25 2011 16:00 Servius_Fulvius wrote: Gotta say Kittens, I'm truly impressed at this thread's turnout. Nice job! You may or may not have noticed, but I give a ton of advice in the relationship blogs as well. Most times when I'm having issues I'll stick with advice from RL friends, but you seem to have your head on straight, so I'll lay it on you! I've thought through this a lot, so I'm going to put my plans under spoiler. Backstory - I've known this girl since we've been in high school. We lived 1100 miles apart, but it was the early 2000's and AIM was in its heyday. We met through a marching band forum and talked on and off for a few years. Nothing major, just an hour-long conversation every week or two. I was really into this other girl at the time and HATED the fact she was always crushing on internet men, so there was this huge barrier with AIM buddies. Time went on, we lost touch, and that was that. We talked again a few summers ago, but things really picked up in November. We started talking again when she found out I live really close. I moved across country for grad school, so now we're a four hour drive apart. As the month went on we started talking a lot more frequently. Turns out she had a thing for me in high school..er...as much of a thing you can have with someone over the internet when you're 17. Also turns out that she started having a thing for me again! I was definitely interested, but I convinced myself it was rebound since I had gotten out of a relationship about a month earlier. We finally met face to face at the end of that month and she told me later that she really wished I had tried to kiss her. So why would I turn down such a ready and willing female? She has a boyfriend. Don't you just hate it when that happens? Unlike most girls in a relationship she really doesn't like it and both her and the guy are surprised they've lasted two years given how much they fight and they fact they live 1500 miles apart. In December she had plans to break up with him, but for one reason or another didn't. I took this opportunity to bow out. We didn't talk from January to April. We met in person again in April. I was in her town for an academic conference and spent our free evening hanging out with her. It was fun. We get along and compliment each other. She was still with the boyfriend, so I still viewed her as forbidden fruit. We became more flirtatious as the night waned, but in the end nothing overly tempting came up. At least that's what I thought. A few months of almost no talking and suddenly she texting or calling every day (about a month ago). At first she was trying to get me to go on a vacation outing with her and some of her friends. I really need a vacation, so I fronted the money and honestly, it seems like a fun time. Afterwords I'll travel back with her to her home city and chill there for a few days before going home. Here's where it gets a little messy - she still has a thing for me. This completely baffles me since she should be into her boyfriend, but I've been able to directly get from her that they're in a loveless relationship of fear and convenience held together by the reluctance to let go of someone they've invested so much time into. Once more, I've gotten her to directly tell me that when I visited in April she wanted me to go for the kiss, that she wants me to go for it in a couple weeks, that she would date me in a heartbeat, and that she feels a "warm and fuzzy" AND nervous feeling around me that she almost never feels around anyone else. Here's the big problem - I like her. I don't know how or why, but I do. It's been very easy to hold back on any advances because of her relationship, but feelings coupled with the physical attraction I've always had and I'm looking at one huge test of willpower. So, what would you do good sir (or anyone else who feels like responding): Do you stick to your moral guns and not help the girl cheat on the boyfriend she should have broken up with a LONG time ago, or do you give in to the attraction, make a move, and see what happens? + Show Spoiler + This is how I see it: A). I feel that cheating is not only morally reprehensible, but an indication of what to expect of her if a relationship ever started. One could make the argument that her relationship is already over, but I'm choosing not to muddle that interpretation in a gray area. B). I may have nothing to lose by going for it (on the surface), but then I put her in an awkward spot and set up her boyfriend to get hurt. Though, she put herself in the awkward spot already, and let's not forget that I'd feel bad for causing the boyfriend some amount of grief. C). We'll be alone in her house for at least 16 hours (not including time slept). I'm an incredibly patient person, but that's a lot to ask.... Therefore, the current plan of action is to undergo the grueling task of not making a move on the girl I like. She's already booked the flight to see her boyfriend again in early September, so their breaking up won't happen until at least that point. She directly told me today that she wants me to make a move to help her make her mind up. I'm not about to draw an arbitrary line that defines infidelity to remove the guilt from any actions I my take (or taken already), but making a move is definitely crossing the line. If she wants to be with me she has to be single first. Again, I'm a very patient person, but being with her will definitely wear on my willpower. Here's to hard decisions! I will not deny that I really want to make a move, and given the right situation I could just throw caution to wind. I hope it doesn't come to that, but when fighting a war against human nature the cards are stacked against you. This situation is all wrong, because the time for long-distance e-dating should have been at around the age you were discussing, i.e. 13-17. Distance relationships simply don't work, especially if the majority of your relationship is spent at that distance. There are always trust issues, there are always lonely times, and there will always be something missing. 4 hours apart is way too far. I have had to deal with a few distance relationships in my life, and I am going to tell you that honestly I don't think they are viable. My suggestion is to dissociate yourself with her on a romantic level as soon as possible and look for someone who lives closer to you. There are many other issues too. The fact that she has a failing relationship (also long-distance, see the pattern?) that she is unwilling to let go of despite the distance and issues. The fact that she seems so desperate for your affection but doesn't break up with her boyfriend. In my opinion, a large reason for why she is so forward with you is because you are probably one of the few other men she feels close to. Most girls who get into distance relationships only do so because they can't find anyone IRL, or don't feel comfortable with anyone IRL (usually some sort of social awkwardness). This added on to the fact that she barely ever sees her significant other means there are lots of pent up emotions and hormones. She might be more inclined to be with you, and tell you so, when you are there or when talking to you. But I am sure that when she is physically with her boyfriend, she doesn't want to leave him. That is the other pitfall of distance relationships - it's easy to cheat when they are not around, but you never feel like fully letting go because the cost of staying in the relationship is low, and the meetings IRL are like a vacation from the emotional turmoil. Basically what I am getting at is that she is emotionally unstable and has major attachment issues, and probably doesn't know what a real relationship is like, otherwise she would not be CHOOSING to go for guys at a distance. Unless, of course, she is just playing you/manipulating you to be her physical relief. If you think cheating is wrong, then there doesn't need to be any further discussion. Self-control might be hard but you can circumvent the issue by telling her from the get-go that you don't want to do anything with her, and there is nothing she can do about it, even if she broke up with her 'boyfriend.' You can still be friends and enjoy your vacation. There is no other possible response when she is willing to cheat, but not dump her boyfriend. | ||
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iGrok
United States5142 Posts
I'm 19, about to start college in the fall after taking a year to work after highschool. We were on and off all through highschool, very passionate (read: volatile) relationship, and dated other people while we were "off" but kept coming back to each other. The summer before senior year we split for good. I still love her, and this blog is a completely true summary of my feelings for her. We've kept in touch, and she's back in town. On a whim, I asked her to go a baseball game with me. Neither of us particularly enjoy baseball, but she replied "Yes, I'd love to, that sounds really fun!" I'm going to keep the promise I made to myself in the blog. Do you have any suggestions as to how I should go about it? | ||
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Servius_Fulvius
United States947 Posts
On July 26 2011 00:08 ILOVEKITTENS wrote: Distance relationships simply don't work, especially if the majority of your relationship is spent at that distance. There are always trust issues, there are always lonely times, and there will always be something missing. 4 hours apart is way too far. Thanks for the advice. Dissociating from her entirely has been an option, and it was my original intention to go on the vacation and at the end tell her that we couldn't be together ever. Kind of like that How I Met Your Mother episode with the teacup pig. I disagree with your opinion of long distance relationships. I've had two great relationships destroyed when one or both of us moved away (both within the last three years), so I know full well what distance does. I also know exactly what it takes to make one work. Both parties need to be 100% committed to each other, you must communicate what you're feeling on a regular basis (good and bad), visit often, and find ways to experience things together despite distance (like seeing a movie at the same time (or via internet), or read the same book or play the same game). Most relationships don't work out, and distance accelerates the making or breaking since one doesn't have all the physical conveniences that tend to trap people in bad relationships. Anyway, my first long distance was 4 hours for four months, which I thought was terrible. The next summer it turned into 900 miles for four months, and that ended us. Second long distance was 1000 miles away after only four months togehter (we lasted another 6). Believe me, a four hour drive when both of us have reliable transportation and consistent income isn't as big a deal as you make it sound. This girl approaches things a bit differently. She believes in being her own person and having her own space. She's told me several times that she's specifically avoiding "being tied down" by emotions, which definitely goes a long way in explaining why she has stayed with the failed relationship so long. I also handle long distance relationships well due to my patience and overall stubbornness! According to her, I transcend the "not getting emotionally involved" thing because she's "already emotionally involved", but I believe that about as far as I can throw her (due to her smaller size it will be a little bit further than most, but not much  ).So yeah, I'd like to date her, but she needs to be single and dating her would be more of an experiment since the approach isn't as hands-on as my previous relationships. I can see it going both good and bad, but in the end it would probably be a 4-6 month endeavor at best. The only reason I'd even do it would be to give it a chance, but that's a mute point since she's with someone. But hey, that's my thoughts on the dating issue (while I covered the more immediate "should I hook up with her" issue before). | ||
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ILOVEKITTENS
Korea (South)112 Posts
On July 25 2011 23:32 Morfildur wrote: Great ILK, you are the only one who can help me: I work all day, don't ever go out and don't like going out, i have no friends due to being relatively new in town, all suitable female persons (suitable=are female,single and 18+) on FB in a 100km area ignored my messages and i spend my evenings/weekends playing games. How do i find a woman to marry before my 30th birthday in 4 month? Importing women from eastern europe/asia is not an option. + Show Spoiler + Not all mentioned facts are fully correct, some are Go outside and talk to women until you find someone interesting (: Then, before getting involved with her, make friends with her friends, meet MORE girls, expand your social circle. Then choose which one you want to get serious with. Then maybe after you do this a few times you'll find a girl you can marry. GLHF! FIGHTING! | ||
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ILOVEKITTENS
Korea (South)112 Posts
On July 26 2011 01:06 Servius_Fulvius wrote: Thanks for the advice. Dissociating from her entirely has been an option, and it was my original intention to go on the vacation and at the end tell her that we couldn't be together ever. Kind of like that How I Met Your Mother episode with the teacup pig. I disagree with your opinion of long distance relationships. I've had two great relationships destroyed when one or both of us moved away (both within the last three years), so I know full well what distance does. I also know exactly what it takes to make one work. Both parties need to be 100% committed to each other, you must communicate what you're feeling on a regular basis (good and bad), visit often, and find ways to experience things together despite distance (like seeing a movie at the same time (or via internet), or read the same book or play the same game). Most relationships don't work out, and distance accelerates the making or breaking since one doesn't have all the physical conveniences that tend to trap people in bad relationships. Anyway, my first long distance was 4 hours for four months, which I thought was terrible. The next summer it turned into 900 miles for four months, and that ended us. Second long distance was 1000 miles away after only four months togehter (we lasted another 6). Believe me, a four hour drive when both of us have reliable transportation and consistent income isn't as big a deal as you make it sound. This girl approaches things a bit differently. She believes in being her own person and having her own space. She's told me several times that she's specifically avoiding "being tied down" by emotions, which definitely goes a long way in explaining why she has stayed with the failed relationship so long. I also handle long distance relationships well due to my patience and overall stubbornness! According to her, I transcend the "not getting emotionally involved" thing because she's "already emotionally involved", but I believe that about as far as I can throw her (due to her smaller size it will be a little bit further than most, but not much ).So yeah, I'd like to date her, but she needs to be single and dating her would be more of an experiment since the approach isn't as hands-on as my previous relationships. I can see it going both good and bad, but in the end it would probably be a 4-6 month endeavor at best. The only reason I'd even do it would be to give it a chance, but that's a mute point since she's with someone. But hey, that's my thoughts on the dating issue (while I covered the more immediate "should I hook up with her" issue before). it's true, distance relationships can work. But why would you want one? I am sure that you can find a more reliable, less emotionally unstable, non-committed girl in your area if you try. Investing in distance relationships when you have such limited real-life experience with the girl is taking too many risks, in my opinion. I see that you have had distance relationships in the past and they have failed. But you are also already pessimistic about this hypothetical relationship that isn't even close to fruition? That in itself betrays the fact that this relationship probably isn't the best idea. Compiled with the 'emotionally involved' phobia she has (her telling you that you are different is SO cliche, by the way), this makes things look grim. I know you like this girl, but maybe now is not the right time. Given your history I find it likely that you will meet again, probably when there is less bullshit in the way, like that movie "A Lot Like Love" or something. The 4 hours thing being not that much is both true and false. It's true that physically, this distance is much more manageable than having to fly across the country. But, this also means that even if you guys see each other once a week, I foresee (from my personal experience) the following problems: 1. Emotional fallout - It is worse, in a way, when you can see each other only for one night a week, and live alone the rest of the time. I personally found it hard on me, and so did my ex, when this was the situation. With my other ex, we were only 1 hour drive apart, and it was tough even then. It's too taxing, imo. 2. Sacrifice - 4 hours one way, 4 hours back, and most likely during the weekend means that your 'free' time is limited. Unless you are both students and have the summer off, it means that your personal life will suffer. You will become more and more invested in each other because the more sacrifices you BOTH make, the stronger the emotional bond. This will only further the emotional fallout from the distance. 3. Continued lack of IRL experience - Having most of your experience with a person be from the internet leaves a lot of holes in your knowledge of each other. As hard as people may try to be exactly like themselves on the internet (and some people don't try at all), there is still that filter that allows you to think before you send the message on AIM, to revise your wording, to sit and think without the pressure of the other person being there, etc. I feel that seeing her once a week, one night a week (I am guessing this is the most likely option, unless you are students), it will still leave you wholly uninvolved with her true self. 4. Trust - You said yourself that the person must be 100% committed. Can you trust that she will be that way, if she is still unwilling to break it off with her current boyfriend? I'm sure he doesn't even know about you. How would you know that you are any different? If she really loves you, she would break it off right now, no fucking excuses. Plane tickets can be canceled. But, she doesn't have it in her to make that decision. Why? I can only assume that it's because her feelings for you don't warrant her to sacrifice her current relationship. That's a pretty heavy concept, and should be fully explored before you even consider a relationship with her. At this point it sounds like you are strongly interested in it, although you might have been talking about it favorably for argument's sake. In short, I still think this is a bad idea, and not just because it's a distance relationship, but also because of the premise that it is based on and her current mentality and situation. So many red flags, and with each one any emotional involvement becomes more risky. Good luck! | ||
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Servius_Fulvius
United States947 Posts
On July 26 2011 01:40 ILOVEKITTENS wrote: Given your history I find it likely that you will meet again, probably when there is less bullshit in the way, like that movie "A Lot Like Love" or something. That is REALLY cliche, too! I thought that movie ok, and I'm definitely open to reencountering someone from my past. During the breakup with my most recent ex she said something along the lines of "If there's a time when we're not long distance and we're both single I'd love to give it another go". While I'm open to the reencounters, she would have to be a different enough person to warrant a shot (mainly in the maturity department). 3. Continued lack of IRL experience - Having most of your experience with a person be from the internet leaves a lot of holes in your knowledge of each other. Our interaction may have started on the internet, but since November it's been on phone, mostly. Still, it's not face to face. I place a lot of value in the way women carry themselves, act around me in public, and treat me when we're together. I do like her (I'd be lying if I said I didn't), but it's not like I'm smitten - more of a crush, than anything. I'm going on this vacation to go on vacation; seeing her is an added bonus. There is plenty she can do that will completely axe any emotional feelings I've got. 4. Trust - You said yourself that the person must be 100% committed. Can you trust that she will be that way, if she is still unwilling to break it off with her current boyfriend? I'm sure he doesn't even know about you. How would you know that you are any different? If she really loves you, she would break it off right now, no fucking excuses. For the record - Yes the boyfriend knows about me. I'm actually impressed how much he knows about me given that we've never met or talked. I agree, if she really wanted to be with me she would cut the crap and do it already. That's why I stopped talking to her in December to begin with! I understand that she wouldn't want to make such a decision without seeing me in person, so if we part on good terms in a few weeks I'll set some arbitrary time (probably a week or two) where if she's not broken up I'm completely giving up (and if she wants a shot in the future she'd have to earn it). I also agree that the whole thing sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. I'm not looking to this girl as a potential lifelong partner or even a long term relationship. The fact I like her now has earned her a chance for me to be open-minded enough to go on the long distance equivalent of a few dates, but it's a limited time offer. | ||
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ILOVEKITTENS
Korea (South)112 Posts
On July 26 2011 00:24 iGrok wrote: Hey kittens, I'll try to keep this kind of brief. I'm 19, about to start college in the fall after taking a year to work after highschool. We were on and off all through highschool, very passionate (read: volatile) relationship, and dated other people while we were "off" but kept coming back to each other. The summer before senior year we split for good. I still love her, and this blog is a completely true summary of my feelings for her. We've kept in touch, and she's back in town. On a whim, I asked her to go a baseball game with me. Neither of us particularly enjoy baseball, but she replied "Yes, I'd love to, that sounds really fun!" I'm going to keep the promise I made to myself in the blog. Do you have any suggestions as to how I should go about it? Your situation is scarily similar to mine. This is one of the posts I relate with the most. If I may, I'll briefly illustrate my history with this one girl: 1. Liked each other when we were 13 2. Started dating at 14, dated for 22 months. 3. Distance broke us up, but we still talked. 4. Right after high school we got back together, went to the same college, lived together, dated for ~10 months. 5. Distance broke us up again, along with bad decisions by her. Result? I still loved her for a while, even while dating my next ex and in that interim period after the first break-up when I was chasing tail and wifing it up with other girls. I am probably on a similar series of events as you, but 2 years ahead (purely chronologically speaking). So, here is my opinion, given my personal experience: I know the pain you feel. I know the love you feel. But without it being mutual or actualized between you two, it is not real love. It is infatuation. You, like me, are looking back with 20/20 vision, but with rose-tinted glasses. You probably dated/hooked up with/considered other girls. After those relationships fell through, you are left alone and with an amalgamation of experiences. Out of those experiences, your experience with her was the best, and probably the longest (assuming, based on your age). She is probably the first girl you felt real feelings for, and probably the one you've had the most feelings for. Of course, this means that the feelings of 'love' for you are indeed founded on fact. She is the best thing you've had. In my experience, this truth is almost insurmountable. My ex was a total bitch in some ways, especially when we weren't together. She was manipulative and had serious daddy/commitment issues. But, I felt like I really loved her. I also spent 2 nights awake, I even threw up a few times from the sheer emotional turmoil. The thing is, infatuation can create these same repercussions. Even if you have kept in touch with her, you have not been directly emotionally involved with her in a relationship this whole time. You have not been with her in person, so you have been living off of your memories in place of reality. This is very dangerous, because people tend to pick and choose what they remember based on how they feel about a person. You are infatuated with her, so you only remember the good times. So, you've been living based off of only the positive memories of a relationship that has been over for more than a year. This is very unhealthy, as evidenced by my and your reactions to these feelings. It feels like love, but it can't be. At least by my definition of it. What's the good news? This shouldn't ruin your ability to meet with her, to hang out with her, become friends again. This is a good, positive foundation for the realization of these feelings. However, you have to make sure that you go into this with no illusions or emotional investment to begin with. You can't be living for the moment you see her. You can't be desperate for her. It's very hard, trust me I know. But if you put that kind of internal pressure on yourself, it will only make you a weak partner. Should you two get back together (and hopefully not over long distance, that would be absolutely terrible for you right now), you would be a slave to your feelings and will probably be completely invested in her, which is a commitment issue in itself. You and I clearly have a commitment issue with our respective exes, you have to accept this. What is happening to you, while understandable, is not healthy, right, or normal. So, let me go back to my point that she is the best you've ever had and this is what you are basing your feelings off of. You aren't giving other girls a chance at this point. You are too young to be completely sure that she is the one for you. I am 100% positive that somewhere out there, there is someone who is just as good for you if not better than her. You have to keep that in mind before you grow lovesick over her. You should take this as a new start, not a continuation. You have to readjust to each other all over again, get to know each other better all over again, etc. You have to have no expectations for what is to come. This so far hasn't addressed your issue directly, but it does answer your question. From what I could tell, the promise you made to yourself is that you weren't going to be perfect. I have good/bad news for you: you aren't, you are so very far from it. You are essentially broken right now, and hung up on an ex-girlfriend. I don't mean this in a condescending way but there is no other expression for it, your blog is nothing short of what the typical teenage emo kid writes in his journal about his ex-girlfriend. You are being completely emotionally-driven, without displaying any mental processing of the facts, as I did for you above. I've said it before, I'll say it again: I completely understand where you are coming from. But you need to get some control over yourself, set your own life straight, so that you don't end up being dependent on her emotionally. If you are too dependent, you might be happy with her for a few months during the honeymoon period of your new relationship, but I promise you that your infatuation will harm the relationship in the long run, as it did with mine. Infatuation can entail the following attributes, all of which shift the balance in the relationship and make it unhealthy: excessive dependency, jealousy. being easily manipulated, lacking individuality and thus being a worse partner for her, emotional instability and vulnerability, the list goes on and on. I'm sorry I went off like this, but like I said this situation hit me close to home. Right now I am mostly over my ex, but I still daydream about her sometimes, despite how much of a bitch she was/is. But, I have separated my mind from my heart enough to see that we were not right for each other, and that we were more likely to be infatuated with each other than in love with each other. I hate to sound like I am making too many assumptions or judging you, but I find it highly unlikely that what you feel is love and that you know what love is, yet. I am willing to guess you have never lived with her, or any other girl. Before you can survive 6-12 months of that, you have not had a chance at love, I believe. You must be fully immersed in each other's presence for prolonged periods of time for it to be anything solid. Right now you are trying to stand on water, metaphorically speaking: support a relationship based on the weak structure of infatuation, daydreams, and biased selection of memories. TL;DR Proceed with caution, my friend. Keep a clear mind and don't let your emotions control you. Staying up long nights because of a relationship long gone is indicative of you having an unhealthy mentality about her. You are far from perfect and should not worry about being close to it, but also do not try to achieve it. Separate logical and feelings. Udachi! FIGHTING! | ||
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StorkHwaiting
United States3465 Posts
On July 25 2011 08:11 ILOVEKITTENS wrote: To add to this, I want to say that it's sometimes dangerous to ask too many questions. People love to talk about themselves but they don't like being interrogated. Plus, it will make the conversation very one-sided and you should always strive for a more balanced exchange. It's so damn ez to talk to girls. I don't get why anyone ever has an issue. Just get acquainted with a few of her friends. Then ask her how her friends are doing. Women can gossip for days about other women. Don't see her for a few days and she'll have a whole new batch of gossip to talk about. On the extremely rare occasion a girl has run out of things to gossip about, bring up food or clothing or a story of some other slut you know and ask her opinion. If she's pseudointellectual, ask her what book she's read lately and then ask her what she likes about it where she found it etc, then segue that into gossip about how dumb other bitches are who don't read books and thus again begins the chain of female gossip badmouthing of her competition for semen. Talking to women really doesn't take any effort, thought, or anything other than mention of certain buzzwords and exhibiting signs of amusement/interest as the girl natters on forever about it. Then just posit some sort of moral position she finds appealing when she asks your opinion and continue to think about whatever it is you actually care about while she goes on talking. It's when you actually give a shit and start trying to say something meaningful or voice actual opinions that things really go down the drain with women. But by that point you're in a relationship having sex for months now and yah. p.s. don't talk to girls about their hobbies. that's retarded. mostly because their hobbies will be boring and if not, it doesn't matter anyway. hobbies get you on the crappy friendship tip. keep her talking about her competition. it will remind her of how much she wants semen and how many slutty conniving women are competing with her for it. her focus will be on the fact you have semen and other girls want it. this is the proper mindset to keep a woman in when talking to her. not her fucking hobbies like growing gardenias or grooming her yorkie. then she will be thinking about soil absorbancy and flea medications instead of your semen. | ||
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ILOVEKITTENS
Korea (South)112 Posts
On July 26 2011 03:09 StorkHwaiting wrote: It's so damn ez to talk to girls. I don't get why anyone ever has an issue. Just get acquainted with a few of her friends. Then ask her how her friends are doing. Women can gossip for days about other women. Don't see her for a few days and she'll have a whole new batch of gossip to talk about. On the extremely rare occasion a girl has run out of things to gossip about, bring up food or clothing or a story of some other slut you know and ask her opinion. If she's pseudointellectual, ask her what book she's read lately and then ask her what she likes about it where she found it etc, then segue that into gossip about how dumb other bitches are who don't read books and thus again begins the chain of female gossip badmouthing of her competition for semen. Talking to women really doesn't take any effort, thought, or anything other than mention of certain buzzwords and exhibiting signs of amusement/interest as the girl natters on forever about it. Then just posit some sort of moral position she finds appealing when she asks your opinion and continue to think about whatever it is you actually care about while she goes on talking. It's when you actually give a shit and start trying to say something meaningful or voice actual opinions that things really go down the drain with women. But by that point you're in a relationship having sex for months now and yah. p.s. don't talk to girls about their hobbies. that's retarded. mostly because their hobbies will be boring and if not, it doesn't matter anyway. hobbies get you on the crappy friendship tip. keep her talking about her competition. it will remind her of how much she wants semen and how many slutty conniving women are competing with her for it. her focus will be on the fact you have semen and other girls want it. this is the proper mindset to keep a woman in when talking to her. not her fucking hobbies like growing gardenias or grooming her yorkie. then she will be thinking about soil absorbancy and flea medications instead of your semen. Solid, thanks for the contribution. | ||
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ILOVEKITTENS
Korea (South)112 Posts
On July 26 2011 02:08 Servius_Fulvius wrote: Great points again, I'll just clarify a few things: That is REALLY cliche, too! I thought that movie ok, and I'm definitely open to reencountering someone from my past. During the breakup with my most recent ex she said something along the lines of "If there's a time when we're not long distance and we're both single I'd love to give it another go". While I'm open to the reencounters, she would have to be a different enough person to warrant a shot (mainly in the maturity department). Our interaction may have started on the internet, but since November it's been on phone, mostly. Still, it's not face to face. I place a lot of value in the way women carry themselves, act around me in public, and treat me when we're together. I do like her (I'd be lying if I said I didn't), but it's not like I'm smitten - more of a crush, than anything. I'm going on this vacation to go on vacation; seeing her is an added bonus. There is plenty she can do that will completely axe any emotional feelings I've got. For the record - Yes the boyfriend knows about me. I'm actually impressed how much he knows about me given that we've never met or talked. I agree, if she really wanted to be with me she would cut the crap and do it already. That's why I stopped talking to her in December to begin with! I understand that she wouldn't want to make such a decision without seeing me in person, so if we part on good terms in a few weeks I'll set some arbitrary time (probably a week or two) where if she's not broken up I'm completely giving up (and if she wants a shot in the future she'd have to earn it). I also agree that the whole thing sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. I'm not looking to this girl as a potential lifelong partner or even a long term relationship. The fact I like her now has earned her a chance for me to be open-minded enough to go on the long distance equivalent of a few dates, but it's a limited time offer. I agree that it is cliche, but so far this cliche seems to be more applicable and trustworthy than "you're different from the other guys!" It's good that you have such a reasonable mindset about this, I initially thought you did, but after your previous post I wasn't so sure. I guess it was argument in generalities there ^^; I like your mentality overall. I think you'll be fine regardless of what happens, but be cautious with the crazies once you identify them! Just saying. FIGHTING! | ||
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blankspace
United States292 Posts
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StorkHwaiting
United States3465 Posts
Thanks dude ^^. And for the thread. Some hilarious content. to blankspace: haha no anger. I love women. It's all just somewhat droll to me. | ||
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spacemonkey4eve
United States267 Posts
Long story short, I told her how I felt about her and we both agreed to take it slowly. The only thing that bothers me about her is her perspective on love and dating. Basically, she says she has never felt real love in her life. She had a previous relationship with her ex for 5 years, and she laid it out on me that she never felt real love for him, and instead felt like a sister to him. She did admit we haven't met long enough to know for sure whether she can love me or not, but this does raise some concern within me in regards to whether it'll bring havoc down the line. Part of the reason she said she has problems truly feeling love towards someone is her fear that once she commits to someone, she may find someone else down the line that she may fall head over heels for, and she can't break up with the current bf because of her sense of responsibility to him. I think this is why she keeps stopping me from thinking about things couple months from now, and often says we might not see each other then. Other than that, we have a great relationship and spend several nights a week together enjoying each others company. I'm just wondering if there's something (if anything) I can do to gradually help her realize that it's ok to commit herself to me for the long haul, and that she won't have to fear that she'll fall in love with someone else. Just to be clear, her definition of love is essentially "agape" and was never infatuated with me or her ex. She doesn't believe in the conventional lovey-dovey sense of love portrayed in the media. | ||
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Kamille
Monaco1035 Posts
On July 26 2011 09:53 spacemonkey4eve wrote: This is such a good thread I decided to come out of lurk mode to post my own "dear auntie". So I've been dating this girl for a little over 2 months now. We're both Korean in the same line of professional work, and we got to know each other through a mutual acquaintance. We became very close quickly and I realized this is the girl I feel like I can share my life with (after searching for 2 years after my previous disappointing relationship). Long story short, I told her how I felt about her and we both agreed to take it slowly. The only thing that bothers me about her is her perspective on love and dating. Basically, she says she has never felt real love in her life. She had a previous relationship with her ex for 5 years, and she laid it out on me that she never felt real love for him, and instead felt like a sister to him. She did admit we haven't met long enough to know for sure whether she can love me or not, but this does raise some concern within me in regards to whether it'll bring havoc down the line. Part of the reason she said she has problems truly feeling love towards someone is her fear that once she commits to someone, she may find someone else down the line that she may fall head over heels for, and she can't break up with the current bf because of her sense of responsibility to him. I think this is why she keeps stopping me from thinking about things couple months from now, and often says we might not see each other then. Other than that, we have a great relationship and spend several nights a week together enjoying each others company. I'm just wondering if there's something (if anything) I can do to gradually help her realize that it's ok to commit herself to me for the long haul, and that she won't have to fear that she'll fall in love with someone else. Just to be clear, her definition of love is essentially "agape" and was never infatuated with me or her ex. She doesn't believe in the conventional lovey-dovey sense of love portrayed in the media. This sounds a bit like http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/500_days_of_summer. | ||
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Servius_Fulvius
United States947 Posts
On July 26 2011 09:53 spacemonkey4eve wrote: This is such a good thread I decided to come out of lurk mode to post my own "dear auntie". So I've been dating this girl for a little over 2 months now. We're both Korean in the same line of professional work, and we got to know each other through a mutual acquaintance. We became very close quickly and I realized this is the girl I feel like I can share my life with (after searching for 2 years after my previous disappointing relationship). Long story short, I told her how I felt about her and we both agreed to take it slowly. The only thing that bothers me about her is her perspective on love and dating. Basically, she says she has never felt real love in her life. She had a previous relationship with her ex for 5 years, and she laid it out on me that she never felt real love for him, and instead felt like a sister to him. She did admit we haven't met long enough to know for sure whether she can love me or not, but this does raise some concern within me in regards to whether it'll bring havoc down the line. Part of the reason she said she has problems truly feeling love towards someone is her fear that once she commits to someone, she may find someone else down the line that she may fall head over heels for, and she can't break up with the current bf because of her sense of responsibility to him. I think this is why she keeps stopping me from thinking about things couple months from now, and often says we might not see each other then. Other than that, we have a great relationship and spend several nights a week together enjoying each others company. I'm just wondering if there's something (if anything) I can do to gradually help her realize that it's ok to commit herself to me for the long haul, and that she won't have to fear that she'll fall in love with someone else. Just to be clear, her definition of love is essentially "agape" and was never infatuated with me or her ex. She doesn't believe in the conventional lovey-dovey sense of love portrayed in the media. I'll throw in my two cents while the doctor is out! Keep in mind that I'm not Korean and unsure if there is any cultural baggage. Your lady has a fear of commitment. Whether she's afraid of getting hurt if she falls for someone or afraid that she'll find someone better later, it's never pretty when another person is involved. First and foremost, the only thing you can do to help her realize your intentions are to outright tell her. No hidden language or signals, just black and white "it's ok to commit to me". Unfortunately you can't change her fears or mindset - only she can do that. So now the big question arises - are you willing to wait for her to change? After a bad experience with an ex, I personally don't wait for people to grow up anymore. It sounds like it's already messing with your head and I can tell you now that if she keeps it up and you start falling harder for her that it WILL get worse. The fact she she says she'll fall for someone but stay with her boyfriend out of a sense of obligation is just wrong imo, but that may be another cultural thing. So she adheres to agape? This is a sacrificial love. Sure, she's sacrificing her own future happiness for the guy she's with, but isn't she also sacrificing some other dude's happiness (and your sanity)? She certainly sounds like a very giving person, so perhaps you should give back to her. If I were you, I'd let the relationship get past the "honeymoon phase" and ask for some kind of commitment. If she refuses then I'd consider whether or not you're wasting your time with her. If you are then I'd give her single status back so she can meet this mysterious (most probably fictional) character that's supposed to sweep her off her feet. Sorry if I sound a bit pessimistic - for all I know you're the one different guy who she can fall in love with once she gets over her fears. I guess anything is a possibility, so if you decide to wait her out make sure that life isn't passing you by. | ||
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StorkHwaiting
United States3465 Posts
On July 26 2011 09:53 spacemonkey4eve wrote: This is such a good thread I decided to come out of lurk mode to post my own "dear auntie". So I've been dating this girl for a little over 2 months now. We're both Korean in the same line of professional work, and we got to know each other through a mutual acquaintance. We became very close quickly and I realized this is the girl I feel like I can share my life with (after searching for 2 years after my previous disappointing relationship). Long story short, I told her how I felt about her and we both agreed to take it slowly. The only thing that bothers me about her is her perspective on love and dating. Basically, she says she has never felt real love in her life. She had a previous relationship with her ex for 5 years, and she laid it out on me that she never felt real love for him, and instead felt like a sister to him. She did admit we haven't met long enough to know for sure whether she can love me or not, but this does raise some concern within me in regards to whether it'll bring havoc down the line. Part of the reason she said she has problems truly feeling love towards someone is her fear that once she commits to someone, she may find someone else down the line that she may fall head over heels for, and she can't break up with the current bf because of her sense of responsibility to him. I think this is why she keeps stopping me from thinking about things couple months from now, and often says we might not see each other then. Other than that, we have a great relationship and spend several nights a week together enjoying each others company. I'm just wondering if there's something (if anything) I can do to gradually help her realize that it's ok to commit herself to me for the long haul, and that she won't have to fear that she'll fall in love with someone else. Just to be clear, her definition of love is essentially "agape" and was never infatuated with me or her ex. She doesn't believe in the conventional lovey-dovey sense of love portrayed in the media. This girl sounds like a total nutter. She also obviously has not found the ideal she wants yet. My advice is break up with her because it will only lead to more heartache later on. What she's trying to say is you don't sweep her off her feet. You're not the kind of guy she wants. And she's going to continue to be unhappy until she finds that man of her dreams. It's only after said man of dreams crushes her mercilessly that she will lose her idealism. You should call her after that occurs. | ||
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OpticalShot
Canada6330 Posts
It's true though, I find that it's not uncommon for girls (especially those overly shy/uninterested ones without any siblings) to go into relationships (often platonic, but not always) just for the sake of having a boyfriend that's more of a brotherly figure. Sucks to be on the receiving end especially if you're seriously into the girl (this, from personal experience). I'm not sure about the part where the girl goes out to finally find the man of her dreams just to be crushed (emotionally and physically? hehehe) and comes back. Why hasn't that happened yet... | ||
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