Basically, there's this girl that I was really good friends with in high school. We hung out a lot but she was dating a friend of mine plus I was really awkward so naturally we were never more than friends. After high school we basically lost touch.
Fast forward to now, it's 5 years later, and I run into her at a bar. We talk for a while and decide to get together this Wednesday night. So my dilemma is that I have no clue where I stand with this girl. Clearly she doesn't hate me or she wouldn't have agreed to go out, but it's super unclear whether we're just hanging out as friends or if this is a date or what. If possible I want to treat this like a new relationship and try to make something romantic happen, but I don't know if she still sees me as just a friend after so long.
Also I'm not sure what kind of setting would be good for this outing, I was thinking of taking her to a comedy club since it would be kind of fun and layed back but also give us a chance to talk. I don't think there are any glaring flaws with that plan but idk.
This is pretty much the most confusing social situation ever for me and I just have no idea how to go about it at all.
Just be yourself, make her laugh and make her feel like there is no pressure involved...
That is how you get a second date...
just dont pull any moves, be funny, flirt (with your demeanor, no cheesy one liners), be well dressed and try to smell good (a splash of perfume, none is better than too much)
Do you have any friend girls around you can let analyze whether she means a date or a date date? I find it is physically impossible for the male brain to understand that beforehand.
For reference
(entire episode explains this dilemma better)
On the other hand, there is nothing really on the line, right? So just go for it and assume it's a date date. Incredibly awkward moment is the worst that can happen right?
If you're wondering whether she thinks it's a date or not, that may be in the way you worded the question of asking her to hang out, which is something you should figure out. I wouldn't jump head-over-heels just yet either, you said you haven't seen this girl in quite a few years, and people inevitably change over time. Just go and have a good time, be yourself, if things work out, ask her out again.
Uhh, lol. It's been five years and I'm assuming you haven't really seen her since, so she probably just wants to catch up with an old friend. I would just go with the thought that she is strictly your friend, cause this is not going anywhere. Relax and have fun.
woah, slow down. Unless there's something in the wording, as TheSchwA said, there's nothing in what you said that implies it's a date...Though, unless I completely fail at reading between the lines, it seems you had interest in this girl? Anyway, the default assumption should be that she just wants to hang out because you guys were good friends in high school - a reconnect, catch up on old times sort of thing - otherwise it could get awkward. Just play it safe. Try not to worry about "what this means" or "how I should take this" and just have fun Wednesday. And then, if it goes / is going well, start thinking about how you want to play this.
My policy is to just treat the night as if you're just two friends meeting for a bite to eat. If you're right well mission success, if you're not right then you've probably never been happier to be wrong
On June 21 2011 01:16 Jonas wrote: My policy is to just treat the night as if you're just two friends meeting for a bite to eat. If you're right well mission success, if you're not right then you've probably never been happier to be wrong
While at the bar did either of you ask if the other was seeing anyone? Although it could just be in the same line of questioning as "how are you?" and "what are you up to?" it probably means "are you available?".
Also, if she gave you her number, text her. See how much of a conversation you get going. If she seems very open to talking/texting with you, flirt with her and suggest you get together sooner (if possible). Don't push things, but that will at least let her know that you're interested in more than just a friendly hang out on Wednesday night (although the comedy club sounds like a good idea also).
As long as she's comfortable with it, it doesn't really matter if the night is set out as a friend or a date thing, it's all in what you make of it. If you're interested (that's 'sexually interested') then make it apparant. You don't need to shove your stuff at her, but it's really not hard for a youngish guy to make it clear that he's 'on the market' , some hints and jokes in the right direction and show that you're completely comfortable with talking about sex and it's all good. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't need to be and shouldn't be a blind 1a2a3a into the vajayjay, but the point is you let her know that you're a sexual being who is comfortable with letting it be known with attractive members of the opposite sex; you're not a eunich who's just there to carry her physical and emotional baggage, so don't let yourself come across as such.
I know nothing about how interested you are willing to be with her, but the main point is it's all in what you make of it. It can be a 'jus friends' encounter (that's totally legit if that's what you want), or it can be a more sexual encounter, it's all what you make of it. Hope it helps, and I hope Fana's proud
Always go for it. If you lose there's no reason you can't be normal friends.
It's far harder to go from friend to something more than it is to go from nothing to something significant. If she's used to seeing you in a platonic setting then she might not welcome you in a more intimate light. But, since she's not used to seeing you at all, you should get in there before she starts to think nothing will happen.
a word of advice: Check to see who is on the billing at the comedy club...
a few years ago, I went to one with my buddy to one to pair up with the friend of a girl he was bringing on a first date. A shameless attention whore, he volunteered to go up on stage with a few others to help the performer, who was then revealed to be a sex hypnotist.
For the next half hour, my friend's date watched as he completely and unknowingly shamed himself by violating a chair multiple times, fellating beer bottles, pretending to be one of several puppies breastfeeding off of a mother dog/another volunteer and generally humping everything in site.
But hey, she's still his gf more than three years later so who knows!
Basically, there's this girl that I was really good friends with in high school. We hung out a lot but she was dating a friend of mine plus I was really awkward so naturally we were never more than friends. After high school we basically lost touch.
Fast forward to now, it's 5 years later, and I run into her at a bar. We talk for a while and decide to get together this Wednesday night. So my dilemma is that I have no clue where I stand with this girl. Clearly she doesn't hate me or she wouldn't have agreed to go out, but it's super unclear whether we're just hanging out as friends or if this is a date or what. If possible I want to treat this like a new relationship and try to make something romantic happen, but I don't know if she still sees me as just a friend after so long.
Also I'm not sure what kind of setting would be good for this outing, I was thinking of taking her to a comedy club since it would be kind of fun and layed back but also give us a chance to talk. I don't think there are any glaring flaws with that plan but idk.
This is pretty much the most confusing social situation ever for me and I just have no idea how to go about it at all.
Why do you even think you have a standing with this girl at all? Do you have friends? because you sound like someone who is very socially inexperienced.
Why would you even think that she might hate you?
Here's a tip, calm down. Treat her like a dude but flirt with her SOFTLY, no sexual innuendo. Just take it easy and let things progress normally. Why didn't you just meet her at the bar again? Bring your friends along in case things go sour. Make it a night out and she's just tagging along. The more you stress about this girl the more awkward you will seem to her.
I agree with the other posters, and will add that it's just as important that while you are trying you make her feel like there's no pressure, you genuinely believe yourself that there's no pressure. As to how she sees you, I think it's safe to say that you are neither friend nor romantic interest but acquaintance at this point. But that's not a bad thing!
Most relationships come from acquaintances making mutual decisions to see each other more and more, until something blossoms. Especially in the adult world, we yearn for the chance to start from acquaintances (not on Match.com, etc.) so we can take it slow and get to know each other. Take your time and get to know her for who she is NOW, not who she used to be, while at the same time sharing who you are now.
I find that us nerds tend to over-analyze everything in regard to social interactions. Maybe it's from our current generation of preferred cynicism, but really, the more time you spend analyzing, the worse off it's going to be.
Just enjoy the night out, keep the conversation fairly light, make her laugh, make her smile, and learn what you can about her that's changed. Most people will be surprised, that you may end up answering a lot of the questions you were trying to analyze in your head just from talking normally.
Just go into the night planning to enjoy yourself. Maybe the girl's interested, maybe she just wants to hang out with an old friend. Stop thinking so damn much. Being more interested in her than she is in you just leads to sads, so just approach this as "just friends" unless you're planning to just hook up. For some people that can lead to deeper friendships, but the fact that you're asking TL what to do leads me to believe that's not a possibility here.
I don't get why some guys jump into IWANTTODATEHERmode everytime they meet a new girl. Not saying OP is like that, but that's the vibe I get from most of these type of blogs.
Tbh, I think you're over-thinking things a little. Now, this is what I'll do. When you talk to her, describe to her something that you like doing which can be a fun activity for a 2nd date. Something that I like doing is playing supa-golf (it's like normal golf but with big clubs and big balls). This makes it an excellent activity because it's very casual friendly. Then suggest that she try it out.
Of course, your interest could be something else, e.g. photography, etc. Just don't suggest something nerdy. Or if you have nothing suitable, look at an event that's happening nearby and do some research on it and suggest that you both visit it.
Also, don't make the mistake of asking what her interests are and then suggesting that you both do it. You'll want to be the one making the proactive moves.
honestly just go for it as if its a date, what is there to lose? maybe a funny or awkward moment during it, but sometimes it's great to have moments like that.
also the older you get the more likely it's a date. usually, people don't hang out alone with opposite gender who you don't see or talk to regularly and have it only be a "friend" type of thing. it's ambiguous and you feel ambiguous about the situation, that's good. that means on some level its a date, just treat it as such.
On June 21 2011 03:01 Hot_Bid wrote: people don't hang out alone with opposite gender who you don't see or talk to regularly and have it be a "friend" type of thing.
Who doesn't? I sure do.
As for whether there's any romantic possibility in the OP's situation, it's simply impossible to tell. Show up, play it straight, and read her behavior in the moment. On the good side, it's promising that she wants to go out of her way to meet up again.
Basically, there's this girl that I was really good friends with in high school. We hung out a lot but she was dating a friend of mine plus I was really awkward so naturally we were never more than friends. After high school we basically lost touch.
Fast forward to now, it's 5 years later, and I run into her at a bar. We talk for a while and decide to get together this Wednesday night. So my dilemma is that I have no clue where I stand with this girl. Clearly she doesn't hate me or she wouldn't have agreed to go out, but it's super unclear whether we're just hanging out as friends or if this is a date or what. If possible I want to treat this like a new relationship and try to make something romantic happen, but I don't know if she still sees me as just a friend after so long.
Also I'm not sure what kind of setting would be good for this outing, I was thinking of taking her to a comedy club since it would be kind of fun and layed back but also give us a chance to talk. I don't think there are any glaring flaws with that plan but idk.
This is pretty much the most confusing social situation ever for me and I just have no idea how to go about it at all.
If you were really good friends you will have an idea of her reactions. If you really liked her back then she probably knew, Most woman know when a guy is into them. So if she is cool with hanging out she will probably want you to bed her ;P. Well maybe not that fast but be yourself thats all anyone ever wants, cause if you try to be fake she will know. Jump into it feet first and everything will go the way it was mean't to be. Best of luck just be yourself, if she isn't interested in you that way just be glad you have another awesome friend in your life that is willing spend time with you.
Loving the graphs. But seriously just go for it, whats the worst that can happen? If it all goes wrong shes out of your life again and you've been fine without her for the past 5 years.
Just be yourself and treat it like a normal date .
I was in the same spot. Long time no see, dating my friend... I went for the good friend and then attacked. I had success, turns out she always had a weakness for me. And many friends have flown before... so ^^ I say you should try it. You haven't seen her for a long time, it doesn't matter if it doesn't get you anywhere, but why not give it a try?
On June 21 2011 03:01 Hot_Bid wrote: people don't hang out alone with opposite gender who you don't see or talk to regularly and have it be a "friend" type of thing.
I tried making a graph in excel 2010, but cheezburger.com is actually infinitely easier to use. grumble That's what it boils down to. So get that confidence up and go. You'll otherwise never know what you could've actually had.
Let me ask you: Have you ever put yourself in her shoes?
Let's roleplay. I be her, you be you.
Me: I'm a 20-something-year-old damsel at a bar. I'm probably either in college or recently out. It's been 5 years since high school, and like most 20-something-year-olds, high school has the relevance of a 1990's sitcom at this point. I'm just out and about, getting a few drinks.
You: I'm also a 20-something-year-old, also either in college or recently out. My first thought upon meeting a girl I liked 5 years ago is that I want to spark things up again. This means that I don't have a girlfriend or any relevant romantic interests at this point. This is not necessarily a bad thing, just something that I apparently inherently assume about a girl I haven't seen in years.
You: Oh hi, remember me? I am xxxxx from high school!
Me: Oh yea! We used to be great friends
-- irrelevant semi-ice-breaker conversation --
You: It's great that we got to see each other again, wanna meet up on Wednesday?
Me: Sure!
-- End --
POST-THOUGHTS:
You: I have no clue where I stand with this girl, beyond that she doesn't hate me.
Her: ** WE DON'T KNOW, APPARENTLY **
So where does this leave us? Oh, right, where we started. You don't stand anywhere. "Clearly she doesn't hate me," is this the first thing you have to cross out from the list every time someone agrees to do something with you? The obvious issues implied based on this mentality aside, the point is that the current relevant facts are:
You are meeting up on Wednesday.
You had met up earlier this week.
You were friends in HS.
So, theoretically speaking, what would be the difference between this being a date and this being just an outing between friends? I presume you do not have any relevant information to this fact, otherwise you would not be asking a StarCraft forum about it. Anyways, I will answer my rhetorical question for you: there is no difference. Be yourself. The past is irrelevant - it has only led you to this point, if vaguely at best. This point is where everything actually BEGINS. High school boyfriend this, used to like her that, lost touch this, awkward that. All irrelevant. What is important is that you see her this Wednesday, and that is when you must determine the following:
Is she straight? (with these damn Liberals you can't be sure)
Is she single?
Are you willing to overcome your reliance on past events to dictate your current behavior?
Are you willing to accept that where you "stand" with this girl is purely based on your actions from here on out?
Doesn't seem that terrible to me. Honestly, this is what your post sounds like:
"Yo I am going out with this girl on Wednesday, but idk if I am on the road to banging her or in the friend zone?"
When, effectively, you are neither. Yet. You are an old acquaintance. You are a familiar face. Nothing more. 5 years ago, who were your best friends, and are you still best friends, or even keeping in touch? Even if the answer is yes, you are just a part of the absolute minority. That should shed some light on this situation.
Also... "Most confusing social situation ever?" You must be blessed.
Anyways, just go, and don't put so much pressure on yourself. You are making mountains out of molehills.
On June 21 2011 01:37 emperorchampion wrote: zatic, I see your graph, and raise you another one
This is a pretty retarded graph.
Honestly, if he looked good and she agreed to go out with him, this graph is pretty damn accurate.
And if things go well on the first outing/date/whatever, the graph will go up.
I don't know why this graph is retarded at all. Perhaps you can explain to me and everyone, because from my dating experiences and my understanding of girls, this is accurate.
Edit: Not to mention I just showed my gf this article (her: "what is this? real life mmorpg?"), and she "ROFL-ed" at this graph and said it was pretty accurate also.
To the OP: I was in similar shoes as you 2.5 years ago with my current gf. My advice is to go out with her, don't think about it too much, and HAVE FUN. Having fun and laughing is magnetic, so if you have a good time, chances are she will too, and hence she will associate you with fun, and her attraction towards you will grow.
She's interested IMO. If she thinks you're creepy or not date-worthy-in-the-future, she would've dodged. It's way too easy to dodge (oh sorry, I have something this Wednesday...maybe some other time? Add me on FB or something!). I'm calling it as a precursor date. Let us know what it actually turns out to be!
In case anyone was curious it turns out this was quite unambiguously a date, and she had turned into probably the most boring person in existence over the past 5 years. So we fucked and I'm now proceeding to move on with my life.
On June 24 2011 10:32 Shifft wrote: So we fucked and I'm now proceeding to move on with my life.
I'd hate to see the way you treat someone you like...
Lol what? It's sex, women like it too, a lot. I'm assuming he didn't insult her, beat her up or anything similar and it was consenting fun. The only mildly bad thing he said was that she'd turned into a boring person, which hopefully he didn't say in front of her.
I'm actually in this EXACT same situation. I recently saw a friend from elementary/high school whom I haven't talked to for longer than a moment in about 6 or 7 years. She just so happens to be the most beautiful girl in my entire hometown of 76,000 people, and I'm not kidding at all here.
So the day after I saw her I sent her a message asking for her number, and she gave it to me. We're going to grab a coffee or something hopefully this weekend. If not I'll call her next week.
So where do I think I stand? Nowhere! I am putting no stock in this meeting whatsoever, and I'm not bragging about it to any of my friends (although somehow my ex-girlfriend found out about it, which is actually good). This is just a simple meeting with a familiar face, and whether or not it moves on to something better is entirely dependent upon how the meeting goes.
Dating is never dating at first unless you mutually declare your attraction for one another - it's just a series of meetings to let you determine if there's something worthwhile in front of you.
EPT
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