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My relationship with my parents has never been a good one.
A small amount of details that amount to-- I haven't been home in over two years because my home is shitty.+ Show Spoiler +Mostly pretty serious emotional abuse, though when I was very little my mother was mentally unstable and would sometimes chase us down to smack us and scream until she lost her voice. My parents and I have very different views on life, and what is and is not acceptable about things like my career and religious beliefs and sexual activity, etc. I went to college on a full-ride scholarship, and my father did not approve, since it is not a Christian school. Ever since then, I have been completely on my own. Haven't been home in over two years. Spent the past Christmases bouncing around, and the summers working. For a while neither of them would even talk to me on the phone. I now talk to my mother on occasion to find out how my siblings are, and family news about illnesses, etc.
Anyway, I have four younger siblings who I love very much, and my sister asked me to come home for her graduation. I agreed, somewhat reluctantly. I know it's important for her, and I really do want to be there for it. The problem is she wants me to be there for the graduation and for the party, which are a week apart. I cannot afford plane tickets or time to travel there and back twice in the span of a few days, so I will be there the entire time.
There is no way in hell I want to stay in that house for a week. My parents do not respect the fact that I am an adult, and still treat me like a child. As soon as they get the little ones to bed, it will be time to sit down and lecture me about all the things they think are wrong with my life, and if I say I don't want to talk about it, they will sit there and verbally abuse me and rant at me as they have many times before, saying it's their house, I'm their child, I had better do what I'm told, etc, etc. I am older, but I'm still absolutely petrified of them. It is really difficult to unlearn an emotional response that has been hammered into you from your first memory.
I could find out about staying at a friend's house over the week, but there are two big problems with that-- I wouldn't have a car to get to and from family activities (and it is kind of necessary where my family lives), and there will be many members of the extended family who would ask all sorts of questions and cause big family drama. I don't want any fighting and shit going on; this week is about my sister.
TL;DR/Question: I am sure there are some of you who have been in similar situations where you felt very apprehensive about going home. How do you go about avoiding conversations and being around certain family members without making a big deal out of it, and causing more drama, particularly when they seek you out?
 
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2nd Worst City in CA8938 Posts
Usually I find that there really isn't a way out of it in cases like these. If you're forced to be with your parents, you will be forced into uncomfortable situations. The only word of encouragement I can give you is to just hang in there, it's for your sister.
Sorry I can't be of more help.
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My girlfriend is in a similar situation, we both live in the same city for uni and have the same hometown. So when we drive home for holidays, she avoids her family by mostly staying at my familys place. She has a car, so getting around is not a problem.
So my advice to you is to get a girlfriend ;P.
No seriously, mostly staying somewhere else than at your familys place is probably the only option to avoid major drama, maybe you could stay with another family member.
Maybe borrow a car from a friend or use public transport (although that might be problematic depending on your home country).
You could also try to stay with your parents, but get up earlier than them, stay out of the house for the day and come back late to sleep after they have gone to sleep.
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I think you only got 2 options. Either suck it up and stay with your parents. Just try to be as zen as possible. Listen to what they have to say, and just say you disagree, don't argue. Or option 2: stay somewhere else. Either a hotel or at your friends house. Rent a car if thats possible.
Sorry to hear about your situation man 
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United Arab Emirates660 Posts
It's only going to be for a week, you are older now, i don't think they will treat as bad as before, just try to get them to not talk about it or just go to sleep early or something, remember its ONLY for a week so whatever happens, you could always go back to your home country!.
Sorry i'm not of much help, but if i were in your place i would just listen to whatever they say and not think much of it, just to make them stop talking about it, basically ignore what they say! good luck bro  .
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Sometimes drama is forthcoming, even if it effects more people than deserve it. It's a part of life. What it sounds like from your description is a lose-lose situation, which is no fault of your own. You could try and be a hero and suffer through a week without dealing with your parents in any way, but i wouldn't exactly call that justice. The best thing you can probably do in such a case is stay in contact with your siblings long-distance and try to lend them support when they need it, but your parents' unfairness towards you and your response to it, might be something your siblings will have to learn to deal with.
edit: or as others have said, find another place to stay, maybe with someone who would be willing to tag along with you to the graduation, thus giving you transport.
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Surely you can tolerate your parents for just one week? They probably missed you and you should at least try to talk to them no matter how much you ate it.
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with some people you just have to give a little to get a little. with others you have to give a lot to get a little. my advice is to suck it up for a week. remember, you're the bigger man for avoiding any potential shit
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I had a similar problem with my mother, who liked very much to control my life, and we have clashed many times over the years. I have stopped trying to "get her off my back". It took me some time before I was comfortable with the thought that I don't owe her anything for being my parent.
Like every other person I know or call my friend, they are not allowed to say or treat me any way they like. I have told her many times that for her to be a part of my life, she needs to respect me and my wife and that we make our own choices. In some cases, blood just doesn't mean anything. If we don't get along, we will not spend any time together. Now, the fact that she adores my wife and my daughter gave me a lot more leverage and our situation has stabilized.
So, I think you can do this for your sister. Don't engage in drama, try to avoid it at all costs and try to take the high road whenever you can, for your sister, but be very clear with how much crap you will take. Tell them off in a well articulated argument, don't scream, don't act childish. Just tell them when they are out of line. Then drop it and go on as if nothing happend. If they keep at you, tell them off again, stay calm and change the subject. They need to be able to act civil.
Good luck!
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Sorry to hear about your situation with parents. I have a somewhat similar problem with my mother. I've been spending less and less time recently at home and it's almost like i've moved in with my girlfriend. And im still not over it, seeing her as my mother and all that, she probably misses me. But we don't get along well, at all. Not over extended periods of time. So i just try and tell myself: it's my god damn life. It can be hard at times. But at least im not getting shit on like im a 12 year old anymore.
My advice: don't stay at home at all, if possible. Try to organize some sort of transport, whatever you can muster. If that means family drama, so be it. If they can't understand your reasons or don't respect your choices, why should you respect theirs? Just live your own life, no one can manage it for you, or better than you, than you yourself.
On a good note: Your sister has graduated! Fuck yea dude, awesome news Have fun at the party.
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I wouldn't stay at your parent's house. There's too much possibility for drama.
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Is there any way that you can get your parents to hold back because it is your sisters graduation/party? Do you think it would help to constantly remind them of that?
Or you could try to get another relative to take your spot in the house and bunk at a friend's house so there would be no awkward about why you aren't staying at home.
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Why not just go for graduation and skip the party? I'm sure your sister will understand, and if not... at least you went to her graduation.
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not sure how bad it is at your house but my friend has similar problems, he just sleeps early and sleeps in and leaves first thing in the morning to avoid talking to his parents when his sister isn't around
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as omigawa said, be there for your sister, but don't toruture yourself. Never torture yourself like that.
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EPT
