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Incoherent ensues, be advised.
I walk past my dad and he says, "5 DAYS," face scrunched, eyes closed.
He repeats himself and I go into the dining room. I plug a thumb drive into my laptop. We're leaving for Melbourne tomorrow and the trip will be Jun Seba themed.
He comes back into the dining room and he sound, "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO WAIT TILL THE LAST MINUTE," every word long, every word loud.
I bear it, but just barely.
An hour ago, my dad yelled at my sister for an hour straight. An hour before that, he had dinner with my sister. And an hour before that, he yelled at her again. This has been going on for weeks. Months. Before my sister, years. My dad, the sole provider of our family who hates his job and hates all of us, comes home and vents his frustrations on us.
You know we've talked about this before, my dad and I. Not his yelling, because my dad is never wrong because he provides for the family because we are all good for nothings. No, my psych asked my dad to come over and talk over our issues. My dad was really diplomatic about it, he talked about all the ways I could spent quality time with him and my sister. About how I could put more effort.
And now I remember. I remember why we don't talk, why we don't spend time together. Because, I really want to spend time with a dad. Not my dad. My dad doesn't talk to me when we go out, except to scold me. When we go out, it's either for dinner, where we eat in silence as he plays poker stars, or to watch a movie. I don't like watching movies with my dad, because if he didn't like the movie, it's my fault.
And my dad goes, "LAST MINUTE, ALWAYS LAST MINUTE."
And I go, "STOP YELLING AT ME, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU. SHUT UP."
I push the chair back, I stand up, and I take a step forward.
He says, "YEAH?"
I say, "WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL, IT'S TWO SWEATERS."
"5 DAYS, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DO IT LAST MINUTE. NOW IT WILL TAKE LONGER TO DRY."
"MOST OF IT IS YOUR STUFF."
The irony.
And we yell at each other over and over. The neighbors hear it. My sister hears it.
"YOU THINK I OWE YOU ANYTHING? I DON'T OWE YOU ANYTHING."
"YEAH YOU DO. I DIDN'T ASK YOU TO BRING ME INTO THIS SHIT PLACE. YELLED AT BY YOUR EX WIFE, YELLED AT BY YOU. NO FAMILY," I tick these things off my fingers.
"YOU THINK I ASKED TO BE HEAR? HAVE TO PROVIDE FOR YOU ALL?"
I think in my mind, that he's right, and I say nothing.
My dad leaves the room and he comes back and he leaves and he comes back. Just one more thing. "I DON'T OWE YOU ANYTHING."
My dad is right, he doesn't owe me anything, and I am at a loss for words. When I was younger, when I was still dealing with my mom, I spent many nights in bed thinking. About how I'm in a bad place, but it's just for now. One day you'll run away. One day you'll find you'll start a family, and you'll have a family, and you won't treat them like dirt. That's what my dad told me when I complained about my mom. He told me to grow up so that I can leave the house.
What a cliche, coveting what you see everyday, but can't have.
In a month I have conscription for two years, so really, I'm not running anywhere. Screwed is what I am. More than anything, I just want a family you know? Somewhere you belong. I mean who else do I have? My mom? She's worse than my dad, worse than being yelled at everyday. In that sense, I'm at a better place than before. I feel helpless.
It's better now because my sister lives with us, so she gets most of the yelling. But I mean, what's she gonna do? Go back to my mom? Ha ha.
One time, my dad yells at my sister for half an hour. That's 30 minutes. Not your, half an hour but really 10 minutes; 30 full minutes non-stop. At the top of his lungs. I hear her cry and he yells and yells.
"DO, YOU, WANT, TO, MAKE, MY, LIFE, DIFFICULT," and , "ANSWER ME," and "WHY DO YOU DO IT," over and over.
Over and over again. My dad has a friend coming over, so my dad is unhappy with the way he puts her things on the table. Which I've never heard him talk about before.
"IS THIS HOUSE A RUBBISH DUMP?"
"ANSWER ME."
"YOU DO NOTHING IN THE HOUSE, YOUR BROTHER DOES NOTHING AND I CAN'T CONTROL HIM, DO YOU WANT TO BE LIKE HIM?"
"ANSWER ME."
My dad sounds like an idiot when he does this. You know that youtube video where that kid that goes nuts when his mom cancels his world of warcraft subscription, that's exactly how my dad sounds like.
And 6 and a half hours from now we're leaving for melbourne. I don't want to. I don't want to be on a trip with my dad, I don't want to be in the same room with him. When we're not on vacation, I spend everyday avoiding him. When I spend time with him, I remember why I avoid him.
I wonder about existence. I used to think that life's all about family. Income, enough for indulgences here and there, but what really makes it all worth it, are relationships. Those were my values.
You know maybe it isn't that bad. At least I don't have cancer or something. At least I have stuff. Who am I to ask for more.
 
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Your father sounds like he is on the border-line spectrum.
Please go to r/raisedbynarcissists to learn more. You are the VICTIM here, and you do NOT deserve any of the abuse that these people dish out.
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Tbh it's your father who should see a psychologist and maybe a psychiatrist (assuming he isn't alcoholic). That behavior is not normal and not good for anyone.
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On June 02 2015 05:49 OtherWorld wrote:
Tbh it's your father who should see a psychologist and maybe a psychiatrist (assuming he isn't alcoholic). That behavior is not normal and not good for anyone.
Although the father's behaviour is not ideal nor is it very healthy for his family, it's an extremely common personality disorder.
I think it's more important that we offer our support to the OP so that he knows that he is not alone, than to make suggestions for the treatment of the father.
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Thanks a lot, I just needed to share my frustrations. My dad's been like that forever, my psych (I have adjustment disorder + dysthymia. Thank goodness I don't have other mental illnesses because it runs in my family) asked my dad to come have a session with me because I said he didn't spend enough time with me. He hijacks the session and goes on to lecture me on what it means to 'spend quality time'. Psych remarked later that it "Didn't turn out the way she thought it would."
I don't think my dad will ever change. Sadly, I think the best course of action is to bear with it until I can leave.
Sometimes I wonder if my family is cursed to misery. From what I've learned, abuse runs in the family, at least in my maternal mothers side. My dad's side tends to be extremely narcissistic. When my parents split my uncle helped in raising me and he has some traits, although he's no where close to my dad's level e.g. Apologizing when losing temper, and I can talk to him about things because he makes an effort to connect with me.
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On June 02 2015 07:15 lisward wrote:
Thanks a lot, I just needed to share my frustrations. My dad's been like that forever, my psych (I have adjustment disorder + dysthymia. Thank goodness I don't have other mental illnesses because it runs in my family) asked my dad to come have a session with me because I said he didn't spend enough time with me. He hijacks the session and goes on to lecture me on what it means to 'spend quality time'. Psych remarked later that it "Didn't turn out the way she thought it would."
I don't think my dad will ever change. Sadly, I think the best course of action is to bear with it until I can leave.
Sometimes I wonder if my family is cursed to misery. From what I've learned, abuse runs in the family, at least in my maternal mothers side. My dad's side tends to be extremely narcissistic. When my parents split my uncle helped in raising me and he has some traits, although he's no where close to my dad's level e.g. Apologizing when losing temper, and I can talk to him about things because he makes an effort to connect with me.
Yes, please feel free to share! The sub-reddit I linked above is also a good place to read and post. They have a policy to create and foster a safe space for all people who have people on the border-line spectrum in their life.
You've said that your father is narcissistic, which plants him firmly in the border-line spectrum.
One thing that your counselor should have recognized is that narcissists, by definition, cannot be changed by an hour-long session, since they TRULY BELIEVE that there is nothing wrong.
Also, your statement about living with it until you can leave is often the best outcome, which can be a difficult idea to accept. However, once you leave, and have time to yourself, you will learn that life without border-lines is truly amazing.
I urge you again to check out /r/raisedbynarcissists (rbn).
Edit: It's quite often the case that border-line traits are shared among siblings and run down generational lines. This happens due to the survival tactics that people often are forced to adopt.
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I've got no advice, only sympathy. Sounds rough. Hope it gets better someday soon, whether that just means moving out or whatever. Thanks for sharing. Best wishes.
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My advice is to leave for a good school, study your ass off, and don't look back. You will eventually empathize that to a certain extent, your dad just wants you to have your shit together and from an external view, you don't. But go out, become a man of some prominence at something, and come back when you can talk to him as a man. You'll probably have to remind him at some point that you're a [insert career title] and won't put up with that shit any more, and hopefully he'll respect you for standing up to him.
You might also try sailing into the wind. Do what he asks for a couple days and tell him something nice, like you love him and know he had a tough day at work so you have a funny story to make him laugh. If you're still pissed off, describe the plot of the first episode of Game of Thrones and then laugh like a maniac. If you've got the heart to forgive him, then tell him something bad about Malaysia I guess...
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United States4883 Posts
This is very familiar to me.
One time, when I was a kid, my dad yelled at my brother for 5 hours from 10:00pm-3:00am while my mom stood in the doorway, terrified that he would try to attack him; meanwhile, my door was wide open directly facing the spectacle, and I just tried to pretend I was asleep. In high school and early days of college, I had shouting matches with him, and one time he even tried to grab me and throw me down the stairs (though I was strong enough to fend him off by then). He told me to get out, to leave the house, and so I grabbed whatever I could and walked out while he was still screaming at the top of his lungs at me. Eventually I did come back, but these events didn't really cease until later in my life.
I moved out as soon as I had the chance, and I have since then made absolutely sure I would never have to be under his protection or at his mercy again, and I've worked hard to get my mom out of that environment too. Now, in the past 3 years or so, he has admitted to being an alcoholic and narcissist with an addictive personality, and he's made remarkable progress in controlling the temper he used to have, but it still flares up sometimes and he gets angry for no reason at all and blames other people. That said, even though I grew up in a pretty shitty household and have a scattered semblance of family due to his destructive attitude, I'm not angry at my father, and I truly believe he can be a good man. It's just that he's had issues which prevented him from being the person he should have been for us.
That said, it sounds like you feel somewhat sympathetic to his problems too, which is fine. But like a lot of the people in this thread are suggesting, you really need to focus on taking care of yourself and getting out of such a bad situation. It's unbelievably difficult to continue on in that fashion, and you don't deserve to be someone's doormat for frustration and needless anger. Take care of yourself and claim your independence, and deal with reconciliation after he's run out of people to yell at.
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Yeah get a job and move out. say PC to your dad and don't look back. You're young and he's an angry old dude. Forget about him
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Eventually, you move out, have some kids of your own, and then you yell at them. Ah, the great circle of life.
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"YOU THINK I ASKED TO BE HEAR? HAVE TO PROVIDE FOR YOU ALL?"
When one agrees to get married, they are asking for it. When one puts the penis into the vagina and doesn't use protection, they are asking for it.
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Sadly I know this as situation. I had to deal with something similar. Sadly there isn't anything you can do. You just need to tough it out and do everything you can to set yourself up for success. Get a job when you can and start putting away money. Try to be as Independent as you can. This guy is gonna go off over no matter what. You just have to keep low and bite your tongue. Also, talk to someone you trust that can do something. This is straight up abuse. Just because he doesn't beat the shit out of you all the time doesn't mean it isn't abuse. Tell someone and see if there is any help you can get. God bless my friend.
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On June 03 2015 07:34 batsnacks wrote:When one agrees to get married, they are asking for it. When one puts the penis into the vagina and doesn't use protection, they are asking for it.
You know, there are fathers who don't give a fuck and just leave their kids.
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On June 03 2015 08:21 ninazerg wrote:Show nested quote +On June 03 2015 07:34 batsnacks wrote:
"YOU THINK I ASKED TO BE HEAR? HAVE TO PROVIDE FOR YOU ALL?"
When one agrees to get married, they are asking for it. When one puts the penis into the vagina and doesn't use protection, they are asking for it. You know, there are fathers who don't give a fuck and just leave their kids.
And?
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I'm quite familiar with all this, and I feel your pain. Heh, this was my life when I signed up to TL too...
In your mind, you can understand this behaviour as him expressing his frustration and stress. Likely, he feels big burdens to provide for his family, and seems to have no healthy way to vent this; no friends, family, or spouse to listen to him and help his hurt, so, the only people who WILL listen to his hurt and pain are people who he can dominate and have no choice but to obey - his children. Yes it is difficult, but IT IS his responsibility to provide. Because he is your father, it doesn't matter if its hard or it frustrates him - by law he DOES owe you to provide for your basic needs of food, housing, education etc.
But in your heart, you are not forced to believe what he (or e.g. your mom) says about you, how he feels about you, or what he expects of you.
if he didn't like the movie, it's my fault
This is a really childish attitude which is not acceptable for a responsible adult. An adult needs to manage their feelings better, to not blame their child for not having perfectly met the adult's preferences. A real dad wouldn't do this to you. No, it's not fair that you have the relatives you have, but, it certainly isn't your fault either.
It's totally unrealistic for him to expect you to always please and satisfy his desires - that is a burden which is impossible for any child to bear, and is particularly with Asian parents. It is wrong for him to expect you to be perfect, or to expect his kids to be amazing and better than he is, especially if he treats you badly. You will never be perfect, you will never 'be good enough' for him because some people's expectations are IMPOSSIBLE. But that doesn't AT ALL mean you're worthless. Don't worry, don't give up. (Thankfully) Life isn't only about obeying and pleasing your parents.
Not his yelling, because my dad is never wrong because he provides for the family because we are all good for nothings.
1. "we are all good for nothings"
since
2. "he provides for the family"
Bullshit, dads (and moms) have ALWAYS provided for their families, but that doesn't mean the families have no dignity or worth. Even if you don't feel like it, and even if they don't treat you like it, you ARE good for something. Not because of your money, your things, your grades, your success, your laundry or planning skills ... you are worthwhile regardless, even if it doesn't feel like it right now, someday it will. A good dad would never make you his emotional slave, and hold you in (emotional) debt for all the things he's given you.
2. "he provides for the family"
therefore
3. "my dad is never wrong"
Parents have power and responsibility over their kids, but only for a time, and I sense that time is ending for you. It is wrong for parents to abuse that power and dominate their kids. Parents should command respect, from their love for their family. If he doesn't respect you, you will not be forced to respect him. Simply because he is in a position of authority doesn't mean he is allowed to be abusive or a tyrant. That is still wrong. Actually, it is MORE wrong, because family are exactly the people who should be loving you the most. But sadly, that isn't always the case, so please, find people who will love you, and will be your family and 'dad's (e.g. your friends and their families).
I understand there are pressures from culture and family, and I do agree you should honour your parents. But doing the right thing in the situation sometimes means protecting the abused and victims - which in this case are you and your sister. Obviously, logically, the best way to deal with him would be to remain calm and not provide opportunities to provoke him. If he gets angry about little things, prove him wrong, by being more adult than he is. Yes it hurts when our parents don't love us, and it gets impossibly hard to deal with them. I remember always feeling like my dad was a complete asshole. But something that really helps is if you have people who you can talk to about the issue.
Confronting him directly right now about his mistreatment of you probably won't work, because he seems too damaged, insecure, and immature to face his own problems (e.g. its pathetic for an abusive and dominant father to be so little man to not be able to acknowledge responsibility, to actually blame his problems on his own kids ... the very people he is meant to be teaching to become adults. Dude needs to become adult himself). But hopefully someday that will change, it did for me, but only by some freaking miracle.
I wonder about existence. I used to think that life's all about family. Income, enough for indulgences here and there, but what really makes it all worth it, are relationships. Those were my values.
Don't give up! Simply because you have a bad experience of life, love, and (family) relationships NOW, doesn't guarantee that it will always be the case! Maybe your home environment is toxic, and maybe it will never change. But you are NOT a slave. I was always worried, because my father mistreated me, but also told me I was just like him. So I was very worried, that though I didn't want to, the insecurities which he helped generate in me, would stay, and I was doomed to become just like him. But this is not true. You are not his slave, he does not and cannot control you. You are your own person, and you are not forced to become like him. Many times, people bully others, because they themselves are bullied (I'm betting your grandparents might have been more demanding to their kids than than your parents are to you). But your kids are not cursed to have a bad father, provided you grow into maturity and get beyond the painful experience you had of fatherhood.
Having healthy and loving relationships with fathers is very difficult, and kind of rare, but it does happen. Maybe your father doesn't love you, but I'm sure you have some friends whose fathers do. If you trust them, tell them about it, and I'm sure they will help 'dad' you. I know it's not your own blood, and I know it's not ideal, but parental LOVE IS real, it DOES exist, and though it's a painful topic, the more you are healed by experiencing the parental love of other families, the more whole and mature of a person you will become, and the more able you will be to love others, love your family, and eventually be a good and LOVING father to your kids.
Please PM me if you want to hear more of my story or don't feel comfortable talking in public.
+ Show Spoiler [Song about struggles with parenting] +
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On June 03 2015 05:32 ninazerg wrote:
Eventually, you move out, have some kids of your own, and then you yell at them. Ah, the great circle of life.
The Onion summed it up with this brilliant headline: "2.8-Million-Year-Old Cycle Of Human Cruelty Continues Unabated On Elementary School Playground."
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Hey thanks a lot for your stories, I feel much better now. My dad isn't a bad person, he's just always stressed out and negative all the time. I know he loves us but he doesn't know how to show it save for buying us stuff + providing (typical Asian parent). We're on holiday now and it's really awkward because we've been pretending nothing has happened. My sister asked why there was yelling the night before and my dad changed the subject.
Hell my dad went mad again and starting yelling at my grandma, who is also a pretty negative person, for nagging about where to eat and who (relatives) to eat with. He lost his voice so it wasn't that bad, but still. He thinks I don't understand Cantonese but I do; at one point he yelled, "Even your grandson thinks I'm crazy!"
There's no doubt in my mind that being a parent can be tough, and I'll probably experience that in the future. My dad is a guy who has a lot of stuff on his mind, having to support myself, my kid sister and my grandma. I know he also worries about me a lot and doesn't know what to do because I was pretty directionless. Not gonna lie, he wasn't a very good dad in the sense of spending time with kids + teaching kids life stuff. He spent most of my childhood avoiding me+ my mom, so I was raised by a mom who was abusive to him + me (pretty much got beaten every other day.)
To put to perspective how bad my mom was, she, who has been singlehandedly raising my sister for 7 years, lost custody in a system that is extremely gender biased. She had too much free time on her hands (got obscene amounts of divorce money, even though my dad had grounds for divorce because she cheated) so she beat the shit out of my sister all the time. My dad had enough so he filed police report and spent loads of money + sleepless nights fighting for her. (Sister had close to 100 bruises on her at the time of the report + we were worried about bias because of things like the childcare personnel bringing my sister to see my mom against the court orders. We filed a report against her too rofl.) It took a lot of grit, what my dad did, to save my sister. He has a lot of weight in his shoulders, but at the same time, that doesn't excuse the way he behaves either.
Once I'm done with the army I'm going to study abroad so this chapter of my life will (hopefully) end. Studying is very difficult for me, I do everything and anything I can not too and I get distracted very easily. I think it's something to do with having deep seated negative associations with having the living shit beaten out of me by my mom for making mistakes during assessments and being forced to study for insane hours everyday. There were days where my mom withheld food until i was done. My mom even let my tutor beat me with a stick if I made mistakes. Hell when I did well no one gave a crap, I got third in class, 96/100 and what I got was, "John did better than you." Hell I topped the school in English once and no one cared either.
When I go overseas I'll studying literature/English/journalism and I'll write. I realize that that's the only thing that I'm not terrible at and enjoy studying. Writing is something I can do and just lose myself completely. Probably means I will also be poor. Ha ha.
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2nd Worst City in CA8938 Posts
I'm more worried about the sister than anyone else in this, especially once OP's gone.
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EPT
