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United States1225 Posts
No other way around it. My life is just crumbling and disintegrating in front of me, and I can't stop it. I just can't stop it.
I've failed at every single goal that I set for myself, no matter how big or small. I continually fall off the wagon for getting myself healthy. As soon as I make one slip-up or miss one day of going to the gym, it completely throws me off. I try to get back on track, but I just keep hitting snags and falling to them. I can't get back into any of the hobbies that I used to have. The feeling just isn't there anymore. I still have the dexterity to play bass, but anytime I try to practice I just feel this weight build in my chest and I can't play for longer than a minute.
I got fired from my job. They can pay students 2 bucks cheaper per hour, so I'm shit out of luck. They also did this after stringing me along for over a month, promising more hours or any hours, before finally telling me that I was being let go. I've been trying to find work since, but I can't catch a fuckin break. You would think, on an island filled with mini-malls and commercial developments, it would be easy to find work. I've submitted dozens of apps, and even got an interview or two, but still nothing. I've burned through all of my savings and now I can't even see a movie or drive to a Smash tournament.
School is going completely down the shitter. I had decided that I wasn't going to come back for the fall. Just focus on mental health and building up some savings and getting adjusted to my new home. But my dad pressured me into signing up for classes, just kept telling me how if I didn't enroll I was giving up and I was a failure. So I'm in 3 classes and I'm pretty confident I'm failing 2 of them. I haven't written either of the papers for my writing class, because I just keep freezing up with worry. When we had a midterm paper for Poli Sci, which is such a fucking easy class, like its stupid easy, I don't know why I worry, I threw up and just stayed in bed for a few days, too scared to write it since it's worth 10% of my grade. I've missed a dozen-odd days of English and 6 or 7 of Poli Sci and German. I keep trying to work on papers and projects for them, but I just can't do it. Something's just broken, is what it feels like.
More and more I just feel abandoned and stranded. I'm talking to my friends way less. Everyone has their life together, and I don't want to bother them. Everyone's got jobs and are surviving school and thriving and spending time with their significant others. I'm just here trying to pick up the pieces of my continual fuckups. It feels so hard to talk to people even when I want to. People talk about what they've been up to, and what they're doing that weekend and shit like that. And all I can say is "I've just spent the last 3 days sleeping as many hours as I can."
Nothing is fun anymore. Melee is draining, not invigorating. Reading is a chore. I don't laugh at TV or standup anymore. I can't play Starcraft or Dota anymore, because it turns out I can't build a functioning computer (and I can't afford to buy replacement RAM, since I also can't get a job). Even watching pro matches is tedious now. I just do it because it feels right and I feel like I might enjoy it if the right game comes up. Even when I went to MA to see friends, I still barely felt any happiness. In fact, seeing how happy folks were just made me feel worse about my life.
Home life doesn't make anything easier. All that my days consist of is my father shouting at me and calling me a failure and a waste of space. Whenever I go to LANs and come back with a smile, he just tells me that I live a miserable/pathetic life if that's the only thing that can make me happy. Whenever I'm having anxiety issues over work, he just tells me more about how I'm wasting his money and how I'm a disgrace and disgusting.
Every day I just feel myself becoming more and more of a shell. I'm just going through the motions. No purpose, no direction, no nothing. I have no clue what to do anymore.
 
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Hey, man I feel you. I know what it's like. I've been there. So instead of giving you my advice.. and I know you said reading is a chore. But do this. Two hours ago I just finished reading The Compound Effect. It's actually quite amazing many of the problems you face could be solved by reading this book. It's not very long ~160 pages. I'm sure you can find this book somewhere if you don't have the money for it. For what you could gain.. it's worth the sacrifice of going out, finding it, reading it, absorbing it, doing it.
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Im no doctor but sounds like you have depression and anxiety. I'd see a doctor asap if possible.
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On October 23 2014 14:18 SteelSinger wrote:
Hey, man I feel you. I know what it's like. I've been there. So instead of giving you my advice.. and I know you said reading is a chore. But do this. Two hours ago I just finished reading The Compound Effect. It's actually quite amazing many of the problems you face could be solved by reading this book. It's not very long ~160 pages. I'm sure you can find this book somewhere if you don't have the money for it. For what you could gain.. it's worth the sacrifice of going out, finding it, reading it, absorbing it, doing it.
Something tells me self help books aren't the answer.
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and i thought i had it bad, this is even worse
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28076 Posts
On October 23 2014 14:58 RowdierBob wrote:
Im no doctor but sounds like you have depression and anxiety. I'd see a doctor asap if possible.
A lot of what he wrote here sounds like stuff I've gone through when my depression/anxiety were at their height, almost to exact details. I still did really well in school somehow, but everything else kind of fell apart. Luckily my parents are extremely supportive as well which has slowly got me back on track lately. Still tough times, but I'm here to let you know I feel like my future will be bright and one day yours will too. I thought my life was over for years dude 
My advice to you is to find someone who can be supportive IRL since your parents are clearly not providing that. Friends, some other family, etc. Just let people know and eventually someone will be willing to listen. However, first you need to seek medical help ASAP.
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28076 Posts
Also, have you tried explaining how you feel to your parents? They might just think you are lazy or something. If they understand what you are going through that might help change their opinion of you.
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I can't provide much help apart from agreeing with the fact that you need medical help as well as someone supportive IRL, but I want to say something about your blog : don't get caught in the "I'm a failure" system of thought. You are NOT a failure. Nobody is a failure. What you do may be a failure, but you, as a person, are not a failure, but a human being that has the potential to do great things and to climb back. If you think of yourself as a failure, then you'll get lost. So don't, even if other people keep saying to you that you are a failure.
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28076 Posts
Agreed. As someone who has directly worked with Peanuts on TL related projects I can confirm you are an intelligent and pleasant person to work with. That's enough to make you not a failure in my eyes 
As for school, try to get withdrawals or something instead of failing grades if you can possibly do that. Unless you can muster up some passing grades in the next 1-2 months. W's on your transcript are a lot easier to explain than fails. Most employers or grad schools are understanding of stuff like that if you have valid reasons.
My cousin had an entire semester of W's in his undergrad (all 5 classes withdrawn past the withdrawal date), and he has a PHD now... so yeah.
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On October 23 2014 15:26 Scarecrow wrote:Show nested quote +On October 23 2014 14:18 SteelSinger wrote:
Hey, man I feel you. I know what it's like. I've been there. So instead of giving you my advice.. and I know you said reading is a chore. But do this. Two hours ago I just finished reading The Compound Effect. It's actually quite amazing many of the problems you face could be solved by reading this book. It's not very long ~160 pages. I'm sure you can find this book somewhere if you don't have the money for it. For what you could gain.. it's worth the sacrifice of going out, finding it, reading it, absorbing it, doing it. Something tells me self help books aren't the answer.
Obviously it's not as simple as. O.K. Read this book, and you've been cured! You're assuming a black and white solution. When in reality there's multiple solutions and different combinations. You're underestimating this book or any self help book really. They're a source of understanding how to HELP YOURSELF
You have a different opinion so what is it?
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It's hard to intervene in family business but this
All that my days consist of is my father shouting at me and calling me a failure and a waste of space. certainly isn't doing any good. You sound depressed. It would be a good idea to talk to someone professional. An you ABSOLUTELY cannot deal with this alone; Bother your friends with it. If they're good friends they should help you.
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On October 23 2014 17:37 SteelSinger wrote:Show nested quote +On October 23 2014 15:26 Scarecrow wrote:On October 23 2014 14:18 SteelSinger wrote:
Hey, man I feel you. I know what it's like. I've been there. So instead of giving you my advice.. and I know you said reading is a chore. But do this. Two hours ago I just finished reading The Compound Effect. It's actually quite amazing many of the problems you face could be solved by reading this book. It's not very long ~160 pages. I'm sure you can find this book somewhere if you don't have the money for it. For what you could gain.. it's worth the sacrifice of going out, finding it, reading it, absorbing it, doing it. Something tells me self help books aren't the answer. Obviously it's not as simple as. O.K. Read this book, and you've been cured! You're assuming a black and white solution. When in reality there's multiple solutions and different combinations. You're underestimating this book or any self help book really. They're a source of understanding how to HELP YOURSELF You have a different opinion so what is it?
And you're assuming that he still has the drive that he can easily overcome his issues on his own. Reading would be something to do on his own. There are reasons why people who had similar conditions tell him to get help from somewhere, preferably a doctor who can judge his situation better than anyone on the internet. Telling someone who's already down the road a few miles to just get over it via <insert random thing which might help you in a demotivated state or to overcome some minor issue like a writer's block> is like telling someone who's afraid of heights to simply stop panicing on top of a cliff, a diabetic to stop being diabetic or an allergic to stop reacting badly to whatever causes his allergy. Most times there's another kickstarter needed. And that can be anything, from guiding him to giving him medical treatment to sport or anything. Under some form of observation. Leaving him with one solution on his own will only proove difficult. It's not a matter of how strong his will and personal strength is, if this really is a fully developed depression, he will have little to no personal strength left.
This doesn't mean I think the OP is fucked up. But he should get RL help from someone. Doesn't matter who in the first step, but help is needed.
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I don't have any advice other than whats posted in this thread, which is pretty solid advice imo. Just wanted to say that I feel you, and had similar issues (not as bad though) recently involving school and a medical scare (turned out fine).
Just wanted to say that I have some idea of what you're going through and I hope you can get through this quickly.
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First I would suggest to tell your dad to fuck off (maybe throwing a little "and guess who raised me ?" just to piss him off) and ignore him. Having him constantly shouting these kind of things at you is definitely not helping.
Imo it's the first step you have to do to start recovering.
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Just go seek help man, there are people who can tell you whats up and get you back on track.
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peanuts, first, really, dude, see some medical help. Depression is a very serious condition and it needs treatment. Then, really, your dad is pissed off, obviously, but if you get to talk to him, you should make him understand that you (and other children, if he has) are the most important things in his life, his life would make no sense without children. He should not treat you or your siblings like garbage. If he fails to understand that, I believe you should leave this home. It's just too much stress for you.
Then, do something physical. Push yourself the first 2-3 times, if it's not your thing, quit. But physical training is proven to stimulate the synthesis of endorphines and those little bitches are natural anti-depressants.
And yes, you are a human being and you have dignity. You also happen to live in one of the most advanced states on the planet. You should be able to find some job. Lower the standards if you have to.
As for school, if it's not your thing, don't fucking do it. It's that simple.
I have a child and I wouldn't force her to do this or that unless I see she is a threat to her health. You don't type you're doing drugs so I think your dad's attitude is uncalled for.
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On October 23 2014 15:51 TheEmulator wrote:Show nested quote +On October 23 2014 14:58 RowdierBob wrote:
Im no doctor but sounds like you have depression and anxiety. I'd see a doctor asap if possible. A lot of what he wrote here sounds like stuff I've gone through when my depression/anxiety were at their height, almost to exact details. I still did really well in school somehow, but everything else kind of fell apart. Luckily my parents are extremely supportive as well which has slowly got me back on track lately. Still tough times, but I'm here to let you know I feel like my future will be bright and one day yours will too. I thought my life was over for years dude My advice to you is to find someone who can be supportive IRL since your parents are clearly not providing that. Friends, some other family, etc. Just let people know and eventually someone will be willing to listen. However, first you need to seek medical help ASAP.
Yep, I went trough depression and anxiety as well, and this sounds like it. Well, I still have some anxiety related to exams in college, but luckily, depression is pretty much over. I literally have just a dozen of exams left, but I can't bring myself to finish it, and I'm getting into big trouble at college because of it. Not to mention financial and health problems (plus I get tired very quickly by even some of the most mundane things, which sucks big balls as it kinda disables me from other stuff). Luckily, got a new girlfriend recently (after a long time), and she's very supporting as she had something similar. The first time around I didn't have one... dealing with it on your own can be very rough. Telling your parents somehow might help as well, mine were supportive as well.
I'm actually going to psychiatrist in an hour, after a long time again. You should go visit one too. It's not such a big deal, it's just a doctor. Do it. It will help you. 
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United States23455 Posts
On October 23 2014 16:03 TheEmulator wrote:Agreed. As someone who has directly worked with Peanuts on TL related projects I can confirm you are an intelligent and pleasant person to work with. That's enough to make you not a failure in my eyes As for school, try to get withdrawals or something instead of failing grades if you can possibly do that. Unless you can muster up some passing grades in the next 1-2 months. W's on your transcript are a lot easier to explain than fails. Most employers or grad schools are understanding of stuff like that if you have valid reasons. My cousin had an entire semester of W's in his undergrad (all 5 classes withdrawn past the withdrawal date), and he has a PHD now... so yeah.
First, yeah can confirm that peanuts is an awesome guy!
Second, YES try to do what you can to get withdrawals. I had struggles with depression in the past (during school) and I was able to get grades wiped due to medical reasons since I stopped attending classes. People (at least educated people working at a university) understand that depression is real and it can cause serious damage. They really do want to help you get back on track. I've been there.
Now for counseling. I admit I was nervous about seeing a therapist, even when I was at the peak of my depression, as I am sure many people are. However I found it incredibly helpful right from the get go and I can honestly say it's one of the best things I've done in terms of recovery. The other thing I think you should do is completely level with your parents/friends about what is going on. I put that off for a long time and my father especially was stunned when I told him how bad I felt when I was away at school and has been incredibly supportive in helping me to get back on track.
Anyway I just wanted to end this by saying that you have to live your own life. School isn't for everyone, four year typical college education isn't for everyone. You can choose to drop college and work at a retail store for awhile and you won't be a failure. You could go to a two year trade school and you won't be a failure. You can decide that you really want to finish your bachelors degree but only do that if it works for you!
Lastly I just wanted to say you have me on skype (although I have been absent frequently because I've been quite busy) and you have my cell number. Seriously man if you want to talk I'm here. You're a cool guy mike. Take care
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Everyone has their life together, and I don't want to bother them. Everyone's got jobs and are surviving school and thriving and spending time with their significant others. I'm just here trying to pick up the pieces of my continual fuckups.
I just need to say Peanuts - this is completely not true. You aren't some anomaly who is struggling in this world while everyone thrives. You just aren't seeing other people's pain, struggles, and agony.
I am currently going through the worst experience of my 31 years on this planet and so I can relate to how it feels to think that everyone is doing great but you. But the thing that is helping me get through it is that I had to realize is a couple of things:
1. Other people struggle. We aren't alone. We aren't some odd exception that should be pitied and discarded.
2. Other people care - but you have to let them. Not everyone is sympathetic, but some people who you are close with will genuinely care about you and want to help you in any way they can. They aren't perfect people and sometimes will screw up in trying to help you (after all, see #1), but I'm sure there are people out there who care and will be there for you.
3. You can't have guilt in asking for help. This was a big one for me because I don't like to 'burden' others with my problems. But everyone who I have talked to in the past few weeks who is worth their weight has stressed that it isn't a problem because they care about me and are burdened for me whether I share or not - and it is a lot easier if I let them help - or at least open up.
When you are with one or two people that tear you down, you might not realize those that are trying to build you up and help (see Darkhoarse right above me if you can't believe that - he's an awesome dude). I know none of this is easy, but it is a lot harder if you start believing lies that you are the only one to make mistakes and that everyone is fine and doesn't want to help.
Take care of yourself Peanuts.
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Korea (South)1897 Posts
Peanuts,
When everything simple seems hard, its usually because you're depressed, I don't know if you know what that means, but it's exactly as you wrote, so all the guys who understand that have recognized it too.
I'm not sure why it happens, but it happens to a lot of us, including myself for maybe twice in my life badly.
Maybe it has to do with expectations of others, which are relentless,- sometimes, we need to take a break or get a break and we don't get it and we feel more and more in the hole and it becomes mental, like we are postponing our 'real lives' when we are not progressing in the way we expect or others expect.
For me, the 2 times I was very depressed for each a period of 4 months and 8 months, I had something to fall back to reset myself. Basically I dropped everything, school and work and just played rugby. I mean I was 23 and 26 at the times, but I stopped trying to make things right and did what was natural for me.
But something that I put in effort that help me reset things a bit.
For someone as cerebral as myself, stopping the speculation and worry and anxiety was a hard rollercoster to get off by will power and just shutting down the over acting part of my thinking was to get into a routine where I did play, wasn't judged and could again, reset. For me, it was something physical, I don't know about you,
but at this point, I'd suggest, simply getting a new experience that you commit to, such like a team sport or just going to the gym every day and just ignoring the expectation for now.
I'll tell you, you can be unproductive now because you're depressed, but when you're not, and you turn up the intensity, you can always make up for lost time and even exceed things with the right mind set.
Life isnt' about the expectations or wasted time, its only about getting to that place where you take responsbility for yourself independant from anyone' expectations and critisism, that you live for yourself and what makes you the better man.
That takes time, it takes experiences when you are not productive, these phase, period of depression, periods of arrogance and of course rest and time to form an identity that doesn't easily just break, but when it does, comes back stronger.
In life, its about finishing strong brother.
Best,
MA
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