EPT
On February 18 2012 08:59 FFGenerations wrote:
thanks for the encouragement hehe. my bench is higher because ive been "trying" to do SS for literally...2-3 maybe years now. and kept going back to alcohol, getting lazy, losing the mindset, disorganised etc each time. bench was the lift i prioritised most of all tho.
my kinda "problem" that i need to solve currently is that going to work and going to the gym takes literally EVERYTHING out of me mentally , and seemingly physically. most people my age have gone through regular studying, regular work, AND regular socialising/something else for a long time, they grew up doing it and are accustomed to it. but me, i always look miserable/serious (people at work say stuff like "dont look so serious!", i get nervous around people a lot, blushing and feeling awkward often around girls for no reason (i work with a ton of girls and only 1 guy, and have NO friends except one woman who is a bit crazy, so i think im seriously lacking a male "role model" to help me develop a bit).
what im gonna do after tonight is stop coming to TLHF/forum again. i done that ok-ish a little while ago. the reasoning is i need to stop stressing about gym. i mean my entire life revolves around going to gym on time, going to work on time (i only work 4-6 hours a day), sleeping (9-10 hours a day always now) and eating (eating well now). but almost ALWAYS i still feel constantly clouded-minded and un-refreshed. like i cant relax ever even though my "free time" is sitting here watching broodwar when im not asleep.
when i started my last job i was managing to smile and shit at people (i only JUST learnt to smile properly at people, at the age of 27.... its not something i can really do without focusing on it . i just interact with a lot of people expression-lessly really and it bugs me that its so hard to make myself smile naturally. the people who "initiate" a smile with me i can respond to quite well, but for me to smile at someone when theyre not already smiling at me? well i need to spend more time practicing in the mirror, i guess you get confidence that way because you know when you're doing it right and not just leering/looking awful.)
anyway today i went to see someone about a new (2nd) job and noticed that my "confidence" (lack of anxiety) was way better than it was before christmas. i keep telling myself its just a matter of time - at the end of this month when my lifts are finally higher than they've ever been ill feel a lot better about myself. but then i wonder why the fuck that should matter - why cant i be satisfied and confident about who i am NOW? will i always be stressing over chasing the next number, the next thing? and stressing over every time i sleep too late? one answer is to continue to minimise the "failures" and continue to build up my "successes". shit like anxiety and not being about to smile at people will fade away over time if i pursue that.
i find shit so motherfucking complicated, you know. i just dont have a solid, stable base, a set of core values. i keep wondering "how" i should act - how do i want to "act" around people, and why is it so hard? i want to smile at people and be fun and joke around and make girls horny, whilst doing my job as well as i do it. but it just takes so much out of me, i keep confusing myself with constant shit like "was i nice enough? did i sound like an asshole? did i really want to say that? why didnt i say what i wanted to say? do i really want to be so confrontational? am i whining a lot? should i take more interest in people? should i do this, that, blah blah..." i rushed past some guy on the street the other day (i was late for something) and he yelled quietly "fuckin twat", then immediately i was angry at him , then i was wondering if i should be mature and cool, if i was right to be angry, if im a confrontational person/how confrontational human beings are, and most of all WHY the fuck am i obsessing over shit like this? its because a) i dont have an answer, stablity, practice. and b) because i dont have better shit to think about?
idk why i find everything such a strain. my manager at work said she doesnt know either - i have a decent job that i do well, i go to the gym, i have a place to live, theres nothing wrong with me so why do i feel like there is! even when i dont want to feel this way! all in the mind isnt it. anyway, time and perserverence , and the occaisional rant to make me feel better and remind me about the things i should be doing (must practice my smile lol)
thanks for the encouragement hehe. my bench is higher because ive been "trying" to do SS for literally...2-3 maybe years now. and kept going back to alcohol, getting lazy, losing the mindset, disorganised etc each time. bench was the lift i prioritised most of all tho.
my kinda "problem" that i need to solve currently is that going to work and going to the gym takes literally EVERYTHING out of me mentally , and seemingly physically. most people my age have gone through regular studying, regular work, AND regular socialising/something else for a long time, they grew up doing it and are accustomed to it. but me, i always look miserable/serious (people at work say stuff like "dont look so serious!", i get nervous around people a lot, blushing and feeling awkward often around girls for no reason (i work with a ton of girls and only 1 guy, and have NO friends except one woman who is a bit crazy, so i think im seriously lacking a male "role model" to help me develop a bit).
what im gonna do after tonight is stop coming to TLHF/forum again. i done that ok-ish a little while ago. the reasoning is i need to stop stressing about gym. i mean my entire life revolves around going to gym on time, going to work on time (i only work 4-6 hours a day), sleeping (9-10 hours a day always now) and eating (eating well now). but almost ALWAYS i still feel constantly clouded-minded and un-refreshed. like i cant relax ever even though my "free time" is sitting here watching broodwar when im not asleep.
when i started my last job i was managing to smile and shit at people (i only JUST learnt to smile properly at people, at the age of 27.... its not something i can really do without focusing on it . i just interact with a lot of people expression-lessly really and it bugs me that its so hard to make myself smile naturally. the people who "initiate" a smile with me i can respond to quite well, but for me to smile at someone when theyre not already smiling at me? well i need to spend more time practicing in the mirror, i guess you get confidence that way because you know when you're doing it right and not just leering/looking awful.)
anyway today i went to see someone about a new (2nd) job and noticed that my "confidence" (lack of anxiety) was way better than it was before christmas. i keep telling myself its just a matter of time - at the end of this month when my lifts are finally higher than they've ever been ill feel a lot better about myself. but then i wonder why the fuck that should matter - why cant i be satisfied and confident about who i am NOW? will i always be stressing over chasing the next number, the next thing? and stressing over every time i sleep too late? one answer is to continue to minimise the "failures" and continue to build up my "successes". shit like anxiety and not being about to smile at people will fade away over time if i pursue that.
i find shit so motherfucking complicated, you know. i just dont have a solid, stable base, a set of core values. i keep wondering "how" i should act - how do i want to "act" around people, and why is it so hard? i want to smile at people and be fun and joke around and make girls horny, whilst doing my job as well as i do it. but it just takes so much out of me, i keep confusing myself with constant shit like "was i nice enough? did i sound like an asshole? did i really want to say that? why didnt i say what i wanted to say? do i really want to be so confrontational? am i whining a lot? should i take more interest in people? should i do this, that, blah blah..." i rushed past some guy on the street the other day (i was late for something) and he yelled quietly "fuckin twat", then immediately i was angry at him , then i was wondering if i should be mature and cool, if i was right to be angry, if im a confrontational person/how confrontational human beings are, and most of all WHY the fuck am i obsessing over shit like this? its because a) i dont have an answer, stablity, practice. and b) because i dont have better shit to think about?
idk why i find everything such a strain. my manager at work said she doesnt know either - i have a decent job that i do well, i go to the gym, i have a place to live, theres nothing wrong with me so why do i feel like there is! even when i dont want to feel this way! all in the mind isnt it. anyway, time and perserverence , and the occaisional rant to make me feel better and remind me about the things i should be doing (must practice my smile lol)
It sounds like you just have a lot of social anxiety, which is really shitty to have but will improve as you grow in confidence and keep socializing with people. I think most people go through phases where they have social anxiety issues (I definitely did) but eventually learn to cope with it.
Regarding the exercise, don't stress too much about it but keep at it. I often feel that people oversell the magical powers of exercise, but I do think it's really good at teaching discipline and a strong inner belief.
To not stress, try to stay realistic about the exercise and your goals. The way SS is designed means that you will fail sets regularly, but that's good because it means you are pushing yourself to your limits with every session. Accept that failing sets is a large part of the experience and don't stress about it when it happens. For me, the fact that there is a system in place for when you fail three sets in a row (deloading) just shows that you are expected to fail three sets in a row occasionally, and even then it's not supposed to be bad. I think Rippetoe said that deloading is a good thing, because it means you're one step closer to becoming an intermediate lifter.
Also remember that the rest/calories/macros are all just tools designed to help you optimise your exercise. You have no obligation to be optimal. I'm supposed to be eating 2000 calories on rest days and 3000 calories on workout days. So far this week my calories have been: 2100, 1900*, 1750, 2600, 2600*, 1800, 2100* (asterisk indicating workout days). That's anything but optimal. As a result, my exercise hasn't been great this week. Today's session looked as follows:
Squat (110kg): 3-2-4
Deadlift (145kg): 1
Press (55kg) 2-3-3
Once again, that's pretty piss poor. However, I'm not too stressed about it. As a result of me not eating enough food, I'm losing weight I was planning to lose a few weeks from now (I've lost about 1kg this week out of 7kgs that need to go). Also, I am still improving my lifts (albeit slowly). I've never squatted 110kgs before, so any reps on 110kgs is an improvement. With deadlift I couldn't lift one rep of 140kgs two weeks ago, so the one rep on 145kgs today means I'm stronger than I was 2 weeks ago. Same goes for press.
The only thing that can stand in your way of lifting some pretty big weights six months from now (even if everything hasn't been optimal) is your commitment to keep improving. As long as you make a reasonable attempt to maintain your eating and resting and continue exercising, you'll be much, much stronger than you are now (which is already much stronger than you were two months ago). You'll also be much more confident in your own ability to persevere.
to be honest the gym says they would like patrons to attempt to keep the noise to a minimum so i go late at night when it would bother as few people as possible, unfortunately the other crowd that comes late at night is those guys. I even in respect to the try and keep noise down request, set the bar down rather then drop so it was only making a slight clanking and in all honesty there is only so much noise 225lbs. can make. Not to mention I dont want to be jumped in the parking lot by someone 4x my size
someone doing 405 at 135 bw is more impressive than someone at 250 bw doing 600.
