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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no.
3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On August 02 2018 17:28 mahrgell wrote:
like "Sparks didnt fly" regardless of not liking your nose, your smell, your character or your sex appeal
I think you hit the nail on the head on this one. When someone says "I didn't feel we clicked", "butterflies in the stomach" or "There were no sparks" it isn't like there wasn't actually any spark between you two. Just that some things were not what she/he wanted.
You can eat your wild assumptions about my character with a shoe; we chatted for 3 hours after she said she wasn't interested and we're hanging out again - it just isn't a date.
I've gone on countless of dates where the date has actually be great, fun, but I simply did not like something about her to meet her again. Doesn't mean she is a horrible person or anything of the sort, just that I don't feel I want to spend any more time with the person.
I can only imagine how butthurt you would be if she explicitly stated exactly what she didn't like about you.
Either it was something legitimate for which there's nothing you could do, or it's something superficial or petty for which you dodged a bullet.
I don't agree with this at all, especially when online dating is such a big thing and you base your initial interest based on pictures. Are you saying people are not allowed to be superficial? Or are you even attempting to say some people are not?
If the latter were the case we would see way more ugly as guys with models. Realistically I think most people aim for people who they think are roughly as attractive as themselves. If you're not attracted to him/her, what's the point?
I wish women understood that the entire dating power dynamic has shifted 100000000% in their favor and they just went out and took what they wanted. (And that dating apps deleted/didn't show dormant profiles)
I do believe the dynamic would change, not sure it would be that much better for men though. I definitely think a lot of women could benefit from being the proactive ones instead of just "getting picked up".
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Clearly I'm so butthurt that I'm seeing her again 
I do believe the dynamic would change, not sure it would be that much better for men though. I definitely think a lot of women could benefit from being the proactive ones instead of just "getting picked up".
I think the online dating pool itself would shrink down to people actually looking for someone rather than floating about aimlessly wasting each others time. Even in the most efficient systems people can only see a certain number of profiles or send a certain number of messages a day. Every swipe on a "dead" profile that doesn't get pruned, every person sitting around just waiting for someone else to make a move makes it harder for everyone. There will always be bots, there will always be "free riders" taking advantage, but if one side almost never makes a move, the system doesn't work and sucks for everyone. If people think, "well this wasn't PERFECT so I'll bail after 1 date and just get back to swiping" it creates very negative habits and impossible standards. It's not a magic bullet where everyone matches instantly, but certainly better for both sexes.
No sources, but obviously gay/lesbian dating apps don't really have the same problem at all because there is no expectation that "someone else" will make the move. The same "just keep swiping" attitude exists to a degree obviously.
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On August 02 2018 18:50 Bigtony wrote:Clearly I'm so butthurt that I'm seeing her again No sources, but obviously gay/lesbian dating apps don't really have the same problem at all because there is no expectation that "someone else" will make the move. The same "just keep swiping" attitude exists to a degree obviously.
?? I thought you said she rejected you.
Not sure how true that is. Two days ago I met a collegue bathing and stuff and after work her friend came to join us. We sat and talked about tinder a lot, and eventually my collegue wanted to swipe (she loves swiping). Her friend is maybe 7/10 if we're going to be superficial, and lesbian. She had tinder gold and had 100+ who had already swiped right on her. She was sort of picky even though the dating pool for her is vastly smaller than a straight girl. I understand that people have certain types, but she would swipe left on drop dead gorgeous women. It didn't seem like she was talking to that many though, she didn't get any messages during the 1-2hrs we sat there swiping.
I think many lesbian girls are still expecting the other one to make the move.
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On August 02 2018 21:52 bloodwhore~ wrote:Show nested quote +On August 02 2018 18:50 Bigtony wrote:Clearly I'm so butthurt that I'm seeing her again No sources, but obviously gay/lesbian dating apps don't really have the same problem at all because there is no expectation that "someone else" will make the move. The same "just keep swiping" attitude exists to a degree obviously. ?? I thought you said she rejected you. Not sure how true that is. Two days ago I met a collegue bathing and stuff and after work her friend came to join us. We sat and talked about tinder a lot, and eventually my collegue wanted to swipe (she loves swiping). Her friend is maybe 7/10 if we're going to be superficial, and lesbian. She had tinder gold and had 100+ who had already swiped right on her. She was sort of picky even though the dating pool for her is vastly smaller than a straight girl. I understand that people have certain types, but she would swipe left on drop dead gorgeous women. It didn't seem like she was talking to that many though, she didn't get any messages during the 1-2hrs we sat there swiping. I think many lesbian girls are still expecting the other one to make the move.
I feel like my US ignorance is making this seem like something other than it was. Can you explain to my poor USian brain?
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Dating apps like Bumble or Tinder work as validation machines for women. Most girls just hop on them to feel good about themselves. They can just go through life feeling good that many men swiped right on them. Guys are willing to spend hours swiping right on everyone. I really don't get it. Men are bombarded with images of all the women who don't think they're worth it. That's demoralizing. Why do that?
If you're looking for a long-term partnership, why not use a more legit dating site? (Assuming you're not willing to go through the brutal process of learning how to talk to random people in person.)
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On August 03 2018 01:24 GreenHorizons wrote:I feel like my US ignorance is making this seem like something other than it was. Can you explain to my poor USian brain?
Yeah thats on me I think hehe. I was trying to give some context for why we were sitting and swiping on tinder but it was poorly written.
Basically it was hot as shit in sweden, so me and a colleague went swimming in the city to cool off. And my colleagues friend joined a bit later, who is lesbian.
Dating apps like Bumble or Tinder work as validation machines for women. Most girls just hop on them to feel good about themselves. They can just go through life feeling good that many men swiped right on them. Guys are willing to spend hours swiping right on everyone. I really don't get it. Men are bombarded with images of all the women who don't think they're worth it. That's demoralizing. Why do that?
If you're looking for a long-term partnership, why not use a more legit dating site? (Assuming you're not willing to go through the brutal process of learning how to talk to random people in person.)
There aren't any good sites in Sweden.
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On August 03 2018 01:33 ThunderJunk wrote:
Dating apps like Bumble or Tinder work as validation machines for women. Most girls just hop on them to feel good about themselves. They can just go through life feeling good that many men swiped right on them. Guys are willing to spend hours swiping right on everyone. I really don't get it. Men are bombarded with images of all the women who don't think they're worth it. That's demoralizing. Why do that?
If you're looking for a long-term partnership, why not use a more legit dating site? (Assuming you're not willing to go through the brutal process of learning how to talk to random people in person.)
Well, I met my ex on OkCupid before they updated to be "more female friendly" (you cannot see any messages unless you happen to match with a person first, essentially turning it into tinder with a search function, though it does push people who sent messages to the top of your swipe list). I don't think any of the other sites are "more legit" just because they REQUIRE paid subscriptions.
As for Bumble - I love the idea and it definitely has a classier vibe than Tinder. In my head the women using it are looking for relationships (and my anecdotal experience of meeting women from it says this is true), but it simply doesn't work if women match but don't send messages.
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On August 02 2018 21:52 bloodwhore~ wrote:Show nested quote +On August 02 2018 18:50 Bigtony wrote:Clearly I'm so butthurt that I'm seeing her again No sources, but obviously gay/lesbian dating apps don't really have the same problem at all because there is no expectation that "someone else" will make the move. The same "just keep swiping" attitude exists to a degree obviously. ?? I thought you said she rejected you. Not sure how true that is. Two days ago I met a collegue bathing and stuff and after work her friend came to join us. We sat and talked about tinder a lot, and eventually my collegue wanted to swipe (she loves swiping). Her friend is maybe 7/10 if we're going to be superficial, and lesbian. She had tinder gold and had 100+ who had already swiped right on her. She was sort of picky even though the dating pool for her is vastly smaller than a straight girl. I understand that people have certain types, but she would swipe left on drop dead gorgeous women. It didn't seem like she was talking to that many though, she didn't get any messages during the 1-2hrs we sat there swiping. I think many lesbian girls are still expecting the other one to make the move.
I think this is what Bigtony probably meant. I mean it at least. Girls are so spoiled with online dating that they feel entitled to be superficially picky. Even if they get 100+ matches, they're still going to divorce and complain that men are pigs. "But men really are pigs!!!". Yeah, right, because if you look for the most handsome guy, that doesn't mean you won't get a pig anyway.  In other words, while they're being picky, they're missing the bigger picture. But it's their fault, right? It's their life.
Men don't choose women. Women do.
And because I'm sure you will get this post wrong, let me summarise it for you:
- Women feel good about themselves when they get 100+ matches.
- Women afford to be picky in this case, they choose the most handsome and/or the funniest guy, forgetting to think about the overall character.
- They regret their choice later in life.
The rate of divorces is quite high. I support this right but it still means a personal failure of judgement in my opinion.
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Can you link me the source of the correlation of online dating and divorce % you just mentioned?
A pm will suffice, I'm honestly curious.
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No sources, but it happens quite often in real life that I will be damn optimistic to think online dating will not make matters worse with our generation. You're essentially giving women a bigger pool of men. How is this going to be better if they don't have a different mindset? If they have the right mindset, then divorces outside online dating would also be decreasing.
Yes, this isn't scientific without data.
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this is becoming the incel thread
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On August 03 2018 06:27 IgnE wrote:
this is becoming the incel thread
I think you're so deluded that it's beyond comprehension. Have you actually looked up the word before you used it? No one here claims women owe them sex. No one here wants to rape women or to exercise any sort of violence or so I hope. It's a matter of opinions instead.
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oh my bad, tell me if ive got it right now:
you dont think women owe you sex, but in your opinion they will regret not marrying you because they are all acting in a stupidly self-destructive way (in not choosing you)
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On August 03 2018 05:31 sc-darkness wrote:Show nested quote +On August 02 2018 21:52 bloodwhore~ wrote:On August 02 2018 18:50 Bigtony wrote:Clearly I'm so butthurt that I'm seeing her again No sources, but obviously gay/lesbian dating apps don't really have the same problem at all because there is no expectation that "someone else" will make the move. The same "just keep swiping" attitude exists to a degree obviously. ?? I thought you said she rejected you. Not sure how true that is. Two days ago I met a collegue bathing and stuff and after work her friend came to join us. We sat and talked about tinder a lot, and eventually my collegue wanted to swipe (she loves swiping). Her friend is maybe 7/10 if we're going to be superficial, and lesbian. She had tinder gold and had 100+ who had already swiped right on her. She was sort of picky even though the dating pool for her is vastly smaller than a straight girl. I understand that people have certain types, but she would swipe left on drop dead gorgeous women. It didn't seem like she was talking to that many though, she didn't get any messages during the 1-2hrs we sat there swiping. I think many lesbian girls are still expecting the other one to make the move. I think this is what Bigtony probably meant. I mean it at least. Girls are so spoiled with online dating that they feel entitled to be superficially picky. Even if they get 100+ matches, they're still going to divorce and complain that men are pigs. "But men really are pigs!!!". Yeah, right, because if you look for the most handsome guy, that doesn't mean you won't get a pig anyway. In other words, while they're being picky, they're missing the bigger picture. But it's their fault, right? It's their life. Men don't choose women. Women do. And because I'm sure you will get this post wrong, let me summarise it for you: - Women feel good about themselves when they get 100+ matches. - Women afford to be picky in this case, they choose the most handsome and/or the funniest guy, forgetting to think about the overall character. - They regret their choice later in life. The rate of divorces is quite high. I support this right but it still means a personal failure of judgement in my opinion.
Eh, it's not like this stupid, self-defeating behavior is limited to women. Nor is it something new with the advent of online dating.
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On August 03 2018 05:31 sc-darkness wrote:
And because I'm sure you will get this post wrong, let me summarise it for you:
- Women feel good about themselves when they get 100+ matches.
- Women afford to be picky in this case, they choose the most handsome and/or the funniest guy, forgetting to think about the overall character.
- They regret their choice later in life.
The rate of divorces is quite high. I support this right but it still means a personal failure of judgement in my opinion.
1. Who wouldn't?
2. Why wouldn't they? I can tell you I would be no different that the girls if I had that many matches, and I do not believe for a second you would be any different either. I mean, I am like them right now, just that I match with far less people.
3. I also highly doubt they will "regret their choice later in life". That's wishful thinking if anything. I agree that this is on the border of being incely. I do not believe for a second that less attractive men would somehow be a better person for them and that they somehow miss these guys just because they want to meet the hot guys. The only downside of dating the hottest guys I can think of is that since they have more options they are more inclined to be players. Honestly though, it shouldn't be that hard to differentiate between a non-player and a player.
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There's very little point in choosing to spite the entire pool of women that's out there because of the choices they make, and the fact that they're not all trying to date you. If you're going out of your way to do a particular method of dating that doesn't suit you, you're kind of already not being yourself. It doesn't get you a date tomorrow or the next day, but sticking to what you do and being yourself is the surefire way to find someone worthwhile in the long run.
Ultimately, learn to be cool with the fact that women aren't currently tripping over you, and learn to care for yourself, and all this dating stuff becomes a whole lot easier.
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On August 03 2018 07:40 bloodwhore~ wrote:Show nested quote +On August 03 2018 05:31 sc-darkness wrote:
And because I'm sure you will get this post wrong, let me summarise it for you:
- Women feel good about themselves when they get 100+ matches.
- Women afford to be picky in this case, they choose the most handsome and/or the funniest guy, forgetting to think about the overall character.
- They regret their choice later in life.
The rate of divorces is quite high. I support this right but it still means a personal failure of judgement in my opinion. 1. Who wouldn't? 2. Why wouldn't they? I can tell you I would be no different that the girls if I had that many matches, and I do not believe for a second you would be any different either. I mean, I am like them right now, just that I match with far less people. 3. I also highly doubt they will "regret their choice later in life". That's wishful thinking if anything. I agree that this is on the border of being incely. I do not believe for a second that less attractive men would somehow be a better person for them and that they somehow miss these guys just because they want to meet the hot guys. The only downside of dating the hottest guys I can think of is that since they have more options they are more inclined to be players. Honestly though, it shouldn't be that hard to differentiate between a non-player and a player.
Nothing more to add other than the bold part. That's pretty much the reason behind my post if you think of consequences of having players. They'll regret it in the long term, trust me. Some people here won't get it because their previous posts indicate they're not into long-term planning as well. I guess, as the say, to each their own.
And if we assume you're as popular as you say, what prevents you from committing to a long-term relationship? Why do we need to read here about how often you change partners? It's your right, I'm just interested in your explanation.
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Few comments
- being "into long-term planning" while looking for relationship is a concept so far away from me that I have trouble grasping it. Let me say I had <5 girlfriends in the past 15 years, most for rather long periods of time, a few for shorter periods. There never was a moment when I said "ok, from now on I'm thinking long-term", or "ok, for the next year it's only going to be short-term fun". You live your life, try to make connection with people that seem interesting to you, and if things happen they happen, and it may lead to a long relationship, it may lead to a few nights / days / weeks of connection, it may lead to absolutely nothing. There's little way to know beforehand. Of course, when I was single for a while I was actively looking for more connections, and to go out with girls and meet new people more than when I was not, but I was always quite open to all possibilities (in terms of duration of the relationship).
It feels weird that you already decided how your next relationship will be, regardless of the fact that you didn't meet her yet! 
Honestly, for the first *months* ! (even the first year) I don't really feel committed long-term (unless specific exception I won't get into, like you already knew her since a long time). I feel committed, of course, and I wouldn't personally like to have more than one partner. But you get to know someone over the course of months, and while you do you may discover that you don't like her as you thought, or that you changed, or that you are not in the same situation in life you were before, and it ends. Is this short-term or long-term? How do you decide beforehand?
- as anecdotal example: I used tinder for ~ 6 months, a while ago. I went out with some girls, I never matched with many (around maybe 10 at the same time was the highest number I guess). I replied to some, and didn't reply to others. I didn't unmatch them, and I didn't feel very guilty: It's nice to see someone swiped right on you, and she's interested, but if I don't want to connect I can just leave the match there, and feel validated by the fact someone liked my profile.
Just to mention that this happens both ways (sure, in different size), and it's quite normal. I honestly swiped right on many girls I would never date, or go out with, just to see if they would match. It's a game, it's an app, it's not something most people take seriously (exactly because it's online so it takes zero effort).
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There are people with whom you could potentially have a decent relationship for one or two or three years, but where it’s immediately (or fairly quickly) obvious that such a person isn’t long-term material, not someone whom you could spend a lifetime with. It’s not unreasonable, in such a situation, to immediately walk away from such a relationship when you have other priorities. It definitely depends on what you’re looking for, but a “live for the moment and see how it goes” just doesn’t work if you’re specifically interested in the long term. If that’s not how you do things, that’s fine too.
I also disagree that you can’t know beforehand. It doesn’t take very long to gauge what a person is like, no more than a couple weeks (if that) - at which point it can be very obvious that something doesn’t work.
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On August 03 2018 01:33 ThunderJunk wrote:
Dating apps like Bumble or Tinder work as validation machines for women. Most girls just hop on them to feel good about themselves. They can just go through life feeling good that many men swiped right on them. Guys are willing to spend hours swiping right on everyone. I really don't get it. Men are bombarded with images of all the women who don't think they're worth it. That's demoralizing. Why do that?
If you're looking for a long-term partnership, why not use a more legit dating site? (Assuming you're not willing to go through the brutal process of learning how to talk to random people in person.)
Nailed it with how most girls use Tinder. Couldn’t have said it better myself.
I don’t use tinder. I know I’ll get like 1 match every week unless I do the “swipe right on everyone” strat.
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EPT
