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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
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Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On August 11 2016 18:25 Ahzz wrote:Show nested quote +On August 11 2016 13:27 levelping wrote:
I just had a tough weekend.
A really close friend was getting married and as a consequence will be leaving the country for a bit. She's practically my sister from another mister, and we tell each other everything, and so not having her around any more will be tough.
I was helping out with preparing the wedding, and in the course of that, I had to spend a lot of time with another bridesmaid. We ended up spending time outside of wedding prep, and we ended up becoming each other's default choices for things like movies and musicals etc. I think throughout, we never really saw each other romantically, just as a new close friend. On my part, I think she gave me some signals that might suggest a romantic thing, but there were plenty of "just friends" signals too.
By the time of the wedding (this weekend) practically everyone is asking the two of us whether we were a couple. I think some of it might have gotten to me too. So I am not a fan of leaving things ambiguous, so at the end of the wedding, I just straight up told her that "hey, I think we are great friends, and I think I have a bit of a soft spot for you which might be more than just friendship, would you like to see how this goes?". She said she didn't see me romantically right now, because I'm not the kind of guy she'd usually find attractive, and that we should still be close friends.
I seem to be taking this kinda hard. I don't really know why to be honest - perhaps I really did like her more than I was aware of. I just thought that we got along so well, it was worth a shot to see if we made it as a couple (we're 28/30, so I also thought hey, we aren't getting younger, we should try).
So now i'm still figuring out how fast am I supposed to let go of this. I've talked to mutual friends, and all of them are sure that she had some feelings for me too. And we did get along fantastically. So while I am ready to move on to meet new people, at the same time, I am really loathed to close the door on this possibility. So I would like to leave the possibility open, but at the same time start moving on as well.
Moving on is the easy bit. What should I do to keep the possibility open, and also to let her know that the option is there? I can share a somewhat recent experience of mine that is quite similar to your situation. I was good friends with a girl, and we got along really well. I started to catch feelings after I realized that she had much what I wanted from a relationship and that important someone. Basically I felt that I received mixed signals during this time as well, so I brought it up. Turned out that she didn't feel the same way. At that time I decided that I would let go ASAP. If someone does not return my feelings, it means that she does not reflect my standards in wanting someone who wants me, and also it would be a great burden on the great friendship that we had. Therefore I decided that I would immediately try to forget any such thoughts. In a few weeks I had pretty much been able to move on, and we started to be normal friends again. For some time, she was interested in other guys, and I was interested in other girls. But turned out that because I treated her and everyone else really well even when I wasn't interested in her, and because she noticed that I wasn't chasing her, she catched feelings, and brought the same topic up. I didn't want pride to be a reason for nothing happening, and because I could still see the same amazing qualities in this woman that I saw before, we decided to give it a shot. Now we've been a couple for some time and we're both in love with each other. History doesn't matter one bit once we talked it through and have been able to trust one another. We're close to your age as well. All in all, my advice is to give up any thoughts of a relationship. If you truly value your friendship, discard any and all thoughts of being a couple. The ball is in her court now. If she changes her mind, or starts showing really clear affection, you can return it if you still want to, but for now, focus on other people. Nobody can predict what will happen, as I could not myself, but if you really want to be a high value man and have high standards, you will give up on her unless she returns the feelings first. Even so, treat her well, because thats the kind of a man you probably want to be. And this, in itself, is really sexy.
Props to you for net letting pride get the better of you. In that situation I probably would have acted differently. This whole "its her decision thing" is just something I probably wouldnt be able to deal well with. Either I want to be in a relationship with her in which case I wouldnt want to meet other girls and wait it out or I dont anyway.
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On August 11 2016 18:58 bloodwhore~ wrote:How old are you levelping? Show nested quote +I think it's just a pity. Life is uncertain, and as you grow a little older, you meet less and less people that you really get a long with. And so this episode has felt like a missed opportunity.
It doesn't have to be this way, you just have to make an effort to meet others.
I am 30. I am not being fatalistic about not meeting people.
However, I am just recognizing that I am no longer a student with oodles of time, and I am holding down a professional job which takes up a lot of time and energy. I'd also like to spend more time with my parents while they are still healthy. So it's just life throwing more commitments at me, and having to deal with it.
I do try to go out regularly to meet new people too, but honestly it's just rarer to meet single, available, and interesting people around your age as you grow older. You also got to take time to keep in touch with friends (not everyone is conveniently in the same school), and also keep up self-improvement things like language courses or exercise.
[Don't get me wrong, I know you have good intentions saying what you said, and I'm not trying to rebut you]
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On August 11 2016 18:59 Kleinmuuhg wrote:Show nested quote +On August 11 2016 18:25 Ahzz wrote:On August 11 2016 13:27 levelping wrote:
I just had a tough weekend.
A really close friend was getting married and as a consequence will be leaving the country for a bit. She's practically my sister from another mister, and we tell each other everything, and so not having her around any more will be tough.
I was helping out with preparing the wedding, and in the course of that, I had to spend a lot of time with another bridesmaid. We ended up spending time outside of wedding prep, and we ended up becoming each other's default choices for things like movies and musicals etc. I think throughout, we never really saw each other romantically, just as a new close friend. On my part, I think she gave me some signals that might suggest a romantic thing, but there were plenty of "just friends" signals too.
By the time of the wedding (this weekend) practically everyone is asking the two of us whether we were a couple. I think some of it might have gotten to me too. So I am not a fan of leaving things ambiguous, so at the end of the wedding, I just straight up told her that "hey, I think we are great friends, and I think I have a bit of a soft spot for you which might be more than just friendship, would you like to see how this goes?". She said she didn't see me romantically right now, because I'm not the kind of guy she'd usually find attractive, and that we should still be close friends.
I seem to be taking this kinda hard. I don't really know why to be honest - perhaps I really did like her more than I was aware of. I just thought that we got along so well, it was worth a shot to see if we made it as a couple (we're 28/30, so I also thought hey, we aren't getting younger, we should try).
So now i'm still figuring out how fast am I supposed to let go of this. I've talked to mutual friends, and all of them are sure that she had some feelings for me too. And we did get along fantastically. So while I am ready to move on to meet new people, at the same time, I am really loathed to close the door on this possibility. So I would like to leave the possibility open, but at the same time start moving on as well.
Moving on is the easy bit. What should I do to keep the possibility open, and also to let her know that the option is there? I can share a somewhat recent experience of mine that is quite similar to your situation. I was good friends with a girl, and we got along really well. I started to catch feelings after I realized that she had much what I wanted from a relationship and that important someone. Basically I felt that I received mixed signals during this time as well, so I brought it up. Turned out that she didn't feel the same way. At that time I decided that I would let go ASAP. If someone does not return my feelings, it means that she does not reflect my standards in wanting someone who wants me, and also it would be a great burden on the great friendship that we had. Therefore I decided that I would immediately try to forget any such thoughts. In a few weeks I had pretty much been able to move on, and we started to be normal friends again. For some time, she was interested in other guys, and I was interested in other girls. But turned out that because I treated her and everyone else really well even when I wasn't interested in her, and because she noticed that I wasn't chasing her, she catched feelings, and brought the same topic up. I didn't want pride to be a reason for nothing happening, and because I could still see the same amazing qualities in this woman that I saw before, we decided to give it a shot. Now we've been a couple for some time and we're both in love with each other. History doesn't matter one bit once we talked it through and have been able to trust one another. We're close to your age as well. All in all, my advice is to give up any thoughts of a relationship. If you truly value your friendship, discard any and all thoughts of being a couple. The ball is in her court now. If she changes her mind, or starts showing really clear affection, you can return it if you still want to, but for now, focus on other people. Nobody can predict what will happen, as I could not myself, but if you really want to be a high value man and have high standards, you will give up on her unless she returns the feelings first. Even so, treat her well, because thats the kind of a man you probably want to be. And this, in itself, is really sexy. Props to you for net letting pride get the better of you. In that situation I probably would have acted differently. This whole "its her decision thing" is just something I probably wouldnt be able to deal well with. Either I want to be in a relationship with her in which case I wouldnt want to meet other girls and wait it out or I dont anyway.
Well I think the thing is - "it's her decision" means that you should be meeting other girls too. If she wants to re-kindle the possibility of a relationship, that's for her to do. And at the time she does it, you guys deal with it at that point.
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Don't you feel it's kind of beneath you to just be an option for her? I think we all deserve to be someone's first choice.
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On August 11 2016 20:48 B.I.G. wrote:
Don't you feel it's kind of beneath you to just be an option for her? I think we all deserve to be someone's first choice.
Well it's not like he has to date her if she changes her mind later on. But sure, the "you are not my type" doesn't really inspire a lot of confidence.
And to be fair, it didn't really sound like she was his first choice to me. When I read the text it felt like he had almost been manipulated by other people who already seemed to think she liked him and that they would make a good couple.
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On August 11 2016 20:48 B.I.G. wrote:
Don't you feel it's kind of beneath you to just be an option for her? I think we all deserve to be someone's first choice.
Bloods' right, I don't know about "first choice", but I'm still figuring whether she is a choice at all. And anyway, choices change and people change with time. The idea that you're forever the first choice is a bit contrived.
I think it's more important to just choose at some point. And work on the relationship.
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On August 11 2016 23:41 levelping wrote:Show nested quote +On August 11 2016 20:48 B.I.G. wrote:
Don't you feel it's kind of beneath you to just be an option for her? I think we all deserve to be someone's first choice. Bloods' right, I don't know about "first choice", but I'm still figuring whether she is a choice at all. And anyway, choices change and people change with time. The idea that you're forever the first choice is a bit contrived. I think it's more important to just choose at some point. And work on the relationship.
Well call me hopeless romantic then ^^
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On August 11 2016 23:54 Kleinmuuhg wrote:
Well call me hopeless romantic then ^^
There is a huge difference between thinking "Fuck it, I'm settling for bloodwhore" and "I kind of want to date bloodwhore" in my opinion. I think it would be fairly easy to realize if she was doing it as a way of settling or not.
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Yea it's not about waiting around for her to make a decision. It's about deciding to meet other people who can meet your standards meanwhile. If she happens to change her mind, you guys can take it from there. At first I didnt have any big feelings. We went on a few dates, and with every date I saw that things were getting better and better, and that I got feelings as she still had those 'wife material qualities' that I had seen before. Remember though that we were good friends. I knew her well enough that she would not simply settle for me, or think of me as a secondary choice.
Honestly, attraction is much more than what you feel at first sight, and it seems like a healthy approach to me to think of a relationship as something of mutual trust that isn't based solely on the fact of catching feelings at the same time. In my case my first attempt was probably bad timing and her not knowing me well enough. On the other hand, it feels absurd and selfish that you wouldnt want any relationship with anyone who you are not immediately having a crush on. Or that you wouldn't be able to ever form a relationship with someone who you're friends with, because they'll have a dozen crushes on other guys when you're not even pursuing them. In that case you're not first choice either.
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On August 11 2016 13:27 levelping wrote:
I just had a tough weekend.
A really close friend was getting married and as a consequence will be leaving the country for a bit. She's practically my sister from another mister, and we tell each other everything, and so not having her around any more will be tough.
I was helping out with preparing the wedding, and in the course of that, I had to spend a lot of time with another bridesmaid. We ended up spending time outside of wedding prep, and we ended up becoming each other's default choices for things like movies and musicals etc. I think throughout, we never really saw each other romantically, just as a new close friend. On my part, I think she gave me some signals that might suggest a romantic thing, but there were plenty of "just friends" signals too.
By the time of the wedding (this weekend) practically everyone is asking the two of us whether we were a couple. I think some of it might have gotten to me too. So I am not a fan of leaving things ambiguous, so at the end of the wedding, I just straight up told her that "hey, I think we are great friends, and I think I have a bit of a soft spot for you which might be more than just friendship, would you like to see how this goes?". She said she didn't see me romantically right now, because I'm not the kind of guy she'd usually find attractive, and that we should still be close friends.
I seem to be taking this kinda hard. I don't really know why to be honest - perhaps I really did like her more than I was aware of. I just thought that we got along so well, it was worth a shot to see if we made it as a couple (we're 28/30, so I also thought hey, we aren't getting younger, we should try).
So now i'm still figuring out how fast am I supposed to let go of this. I've talked to mutual friends, and all of them are sure that she had some feelings for me too. And we did get along fantastically. So while I am ready to move on to meet new people, at the same time, I am really loathed to close the door on this possibility. So I would like to leave the possibility open, but at the same time start moving on as well.
Moving on is the easy bit. What should I do to keep the possibility open, and also to let her know that the option is there?
Imagine you're telling your kids how you met their mother
"Well kids we were friends, but I kinda sorta liked her, like in a maybe meh way, and we weren't getting any younger so we said might as well"
Yeah, no... if I were you I'd let her go, keep her as her friend and just get women with whom you have actual strong chemistry.
All people do that at weddings FYI, I met my ex there, the only 2 single people hooked up on last one I went to with my gf and we got bombarded by our engagement suggestions...when we weren't even Facebook official after a 1.5 years god damn it... How could she say no at first ffs when she did it a couple hours later anyways, coolest cheesy thing ever destroyed. Sorry got off track there a bit 
Shut the door on her, keep her as a friend!
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Also not being able to meet people is straight up bullshit, if meeting great women is a priority for you you make the time. I find choosing the correct person to be with for next 50-60 years one of life priorities, that might be more important than your current job and everything else as youre at your peak now at 30 and I think a lot of people don't realise it and just settle in the first few months and then have mediocre relationships they settle on for the rest of their life.
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Lemon I know you're coming with good intentions, but really don't strawman what I'm saying.
First, our ages was just one of the reasons I thought we should try dating. Obviously it's the only, or even the main reason. Second, I never said I'm not able to meet people. Just that it gets more difficult as you grow older and most people are attached already.
I fully understand the need to stay positive and self motivated in these things, but some realism is healthy too. I acknowledge the practical difficulties that come with having more time commitments, and figure out how to work around that.
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...alright, apparently I am really good at flirting and it might lead to a potential opportunity. Not that I am aware in any way of what I did but hey, as long as it is working as not intended I won't complain. Going to dig through a few pages of chatlogs right when I get up to at least figure out what I did right in chat, memories of actual face to face communications are unfortunately a victim of sleep deprivation. Communication is fucking weird sometimes.
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On August 11 2016 19:09 levelping wrote: I'd also like to spend more time with my parents while they are still healthy. So it's just life throwing more commitments at me, and having to deal with it.
Don't really understand this. Are they about to die or? I might sound cold as fuck now, but I don't think I've ever really missed my parents or my sister.
Sure you should definitely see them once in a while, but I don't think you should spend so much resources to meet them that you can't meet a partner yourself. They should live their own life.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
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On August 12 2016 08:58 levelping wrote:
Lemon I know you're coming with good intentions, but really don't strawman what I'm saying.
First, our ages was just one of the reasons I thought we should try dating. Obviously it's the only, or even the main reason. Second, I never said I'm not able to meet people. Just that it gets more difficult as you grow older and most people are attached already.
I fully understand the need to stay positive and self motivated in these things, but some realism is healthy too. I acknowledge the practical difficulties that come with having more time commitments, and figure out how to work around that.
I'm trying to prove a point here
You have shown no reasons to be with her whatsoever, a person you want to be in a relationship with should knock your socks off in the first phases, you should both be putting in loads of effort and loving it. It doesn't get any easier really afterwards, starting in mediocrity seems almost crazy to me, and is why there's so many divorces with people that were incompatible in the first place.
When you're unsure about her even before you start dating AND she not only doesn't put in active effort towards a romantic relation but flat out rejects you it's way better to be okay with staying alone and focus on yourself and being awesome. And keep her as a friend, which should have way more value to you.
Or if it really bothers you and you really do feel the strong need for quality relationships then be realistic, allocate resources to finding someone you really really want and who wants you back - meeting a suitable long term partner that'll influence you in a big way for literally decades can easily be a time commitment priority, around which you try to work around (or drop) the other stuff
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On August 12 2016 19:34 bloodwhore~ wrote:Show nested quote +On August 11 2016 19:09 levelping wrote: I'd also like to spend more time with my parents while they are still healthy. So it's just life throwing more commitments at me, and having to deal with it.
Don't really understand this. Are they about to die or? I might sound cold as fuck now, but I don't think I've ever really missed my parents or my sister. Sure you should definitely see them once in a while, but I don't think you should spend so much resources to meet them that you can't meet a partner yourself. They should live their own life. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
It might be cultural. In Asia it's pretty common to spend time with your parents.
Though, blood, you shouldn't wait till your parents are about to die to spend time with them. They grow old really quickly and soon you are left wondering why you didn't spend more time with them.
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On August 12 2016 20:39 LemOn wrote:Show nested quote +On August 12 2016 08:58 levelping wrote:
Lemon I know you're coming with good intentions, but really don't strawman what I'm saying.
First, our ages was just one of the reasons I thought we should try dating. Obviously it's the only, or even the main reason. Second, I never said I'm not able to meet people. Just that it gets more difficult as you grow older and most people are attached already.
I fully understand the need to stay positive and self motivated in these things, but some realism is healthy too. I acknowledge the practical difficulties that come with having more time commitments, and figure out how to work around that. I'm trying to prove a point here You have shown no reasons to be with her whatsoever, a person you want to be in a relationship with should knock your socks off in the first phases, you should both be putting in loads of effort and loving it. It doesn't get any easier really afterwards, starting in mediocrity seems almost crazy to me, and is why there's so many divorces with people that were incompatible in the first place. When you're unsure about her even before you start dating AND she not only doesn't put in active effort towards a romantic relation but flat out rejects you it's way better to be okay with staying alone and focus on yourself and being awesome. And keep her as a friend, which should have way more value to you. Or if it really bothers you and you really do feel the strong need for quality relationships then be realistic, allocate resources to finding someone you really really want and who wants you back - meeting a suitable long term partner that'll influence you in a big way for literally decades can easily be a time commitment priority, around which you try to work around (or drop) the other stuff
I think if you had the chance to read my preceeding posts, you'd have seen that I am going to regard her as a friend, and if she wants to rekindle anything down the road that's for her prerogative (and which I have no control over anyway). I've also mentioned that I set aside time to meet people. Again, I would appreciate that you don't assume that it's at the bottom of my priority list.
So you do not really need to prove points which are in my own posts. These are truisms that are inherently applicable, and I'd have thought there is not very much value in mentioning things which are so trite. Giving you the benefit of the doubt though, perhaps you were too busy to read everything, I appreciate the effort.
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Haven't posted in this thread in like 2yrs.
Non-existent atm. I just live my life and if someone comes along worth spending time with then I can dig it, content with how things are though as well. Though what prompted me to post here is a random Tinder interaction.
We matched, and then chatted for a bit last night. We both laughed, shared some mutual interests, had a real conversation about the Olympics and how we both seemed to be each others type. I ask a random question today after my shift at work about how she said she was a Batman nerd (I'm a huge Batman nerd myself, wanted to gauge her interest and see if she was a faker or not lol). I then randomly get deleted... I mean fuck me right? Okay... I guess I didn't ask her if she was dtf fast enough or what idk lmao.
Anyway moving on! Not too bothered by it, just seemed kinda weird...
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I'm pretty sure she was afraid your love for her could never compare to your love for Batman.
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EPT
