EPTDating: How's your luck? - Page 860
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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on. Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments. Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. | ||
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Kleinmuuhg
Vanuatu4091 Posts
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RvB
Netherlands6274 Posts
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Cynry
810 Posts
Thanks to all of you. It helps  | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
On July 02 2016 18:28 Cynry wrote: I'm considering not giving up on her. It's been over a month that she had a new boyfriend, so I'd assume that my chances are like 0.1%. Still, it feels worth. If only to show her how I feel. I mean, I sent her a letter explaining what happened and that I love her, but going all in in the face of failure is something else. Is this something that ever works ? If I were to guess from our convos, I'd say she's in love with the guy (...............................), but it wasn't that long ago that she still had feeling for me. I find it really funny, these "all-in moves" movies tell you to do, or going out of your way in buying flowers, sacrificing things for your woman when things are bad and she's unsure about you not only rarely work, but most of the time are actually you being really selfish and not giving the other person what they really want and just thinking about yourself and your need for approval. I'm talking from personal past experience here. There's only one way to get your ex back. And that is stating exactly what you want and then giving her the greatest gift you can give a woman- a sense of freedom and wonder. And that should be your big, all-in move - completely withdraw, focus on your values, goals and purpose, if one of those is women then great! And let her come to you . . . or not. EDIT: Don't get me wrong, flowers, letters, professing your love, helping when she's down and even huge romantic gestures are definitely what I love doing and am a big proponent of. I do them all the time in fact. But those things should be in my opinion reserved for when things are great, when you don't expect anything back as you're getting loads back automatically and you wouldn't have to do these things but you really just want to. And when things are low/complicated or when she's even in love with another man then you turn to giving loads of space, openness, listening, stating your intentions honestly without forcing anything. Because when you start doing these gestures because you expect in exchange her affection it almost starts to resemble the relationship of a client and a whore. | ||
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Cynry
810 Posts
On July 02 2016 19:49 LemOn wrote: I find it really funny, these "all-in moves" movies tell you to do, or going out of your way in buying flowers, sacrificing things for your woman when things are bad and she's unsure about you not only rarely work, but most of the time are actually you being really selfish and not giving the other person what they really want and just thinking about yourself and your need for approval. I'm talking from personal past experience here. There's only one way to get your ex back. And that is stating exactly what you want and then giving her the greatest gift you can give a woman- a sense of freedom and wonder. And that should be your big, all-in move - completely withdraw, focus on your values, goals and purpose, if one of those is women then great! And let her come to you . . . or not. EDIT: Don't get me wrong, flowers, letters, professing your love, helping when she's down and even huge romantic gestures are definitely what I love doing and am a big proponent of. I do them all the time in fact. But those things should be in my opinion reserved for when things are great, when you don't expect anything back as you're getting loads back automatically and you wouldn't have to do these things but you really just want to. And when things are low/complicated or when she's even in love with another man then you turn to giving loads of space, openness, listening, stating your intentions honestly without forcing anything. Because when you start doing these gestures because you expect in exchange her affection it almost starts to resemble the relationship of a client and a whore. The letter was mostly "justice" for me. I wouldn't want her to think that it wasn't important to me, considering that I kept her in the dark concerning what I was going through when thinking about us. I'm not expecting a particular reaction, I haven't asked anything from her. It is selfish though, something I had to take off my chest, but not "I do that so she'll come back". Mh. It's all very recent still, and I need some time for myself anyway. this situation brought to my attention that I have a lot to do to improve, and none of it relates to her. | ||
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[sc1f]eonzerg
Belgium6968 Posts
On July 02 2016 07:28 LemOn wrote: I wouldn't ask that anyone really, really vein/selfish question. Instead you can tell her what you like and don't like about her and see if she reciprocates. Or make it a straight date day exercise, but a bit later - you barely know her after 2 months. Also personally, flowers are for a commited girlfriend, same with letters etc. Mostly. And that person usually reciprocates with gifts... Hmmm i was like that 5 years ago,and it awake from time to time,actually im a f*cking arrogant retard,i told myself , she never had a gesture like this before i going to take down that defense with this rose and then everything will be free pass.now i proly destroyed pretty much everything,i mean we go from being cool with me laughing to calling me agressive and finish de conversation with okok.dunno what to do really. | ||
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IgnE
United States7681 Posts
On July 02 2016 18:28 Cynry wrote: I'm considering not giving up on her. It's been over a month that she had a new boyfriend, so I'd assume that my chances are like 0.1%. Still, it feels worth. If only to show her how I feel. I mean, I sent her a letter explaining what happened and that I love her, but going all in in the face of failure is something else. Is this something that ever works ? If I were to guess from our convos, I'd say she's in love with the guy (...............................), but it wasn't that long ago that she still had feeling for me. Terrible idea dude. Never works. I tried it when I was young and stupid too. Ultimately you will look back and realize this was all a good thing and a valuable learning experience. | ||
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Mikau
Netherlands1446 Posts
I work part time (full time during school holidays) as a cook at a restaurant, and have since April last year. Up until October of last year, I was in a relationship. A colleague of mine worked full time as a waitress last summer, but quit due to school up until a few weeks ago. This is the first time (excluding a few weeks when I just started) we're both single while working. We didn't have much rapport last summer (apart from the usual colleague'y hi's and bye's and dinner talk). Currently though, it's different. She's a generally happy and upbeat person, so it's hard to tell, but she's been acting different towards me. It feels like she goes out of her way to talk to me (more "hi I'm here" than actual conversation), she teases me a little bit, is giving me nicknames (just silly things rhyming with my name), and today she touched me (I realise this sounds incredibly socially awkward, but I'm quite reserved so I don't get touchy with colleagues, apart from handshakes). All of this is new. I think she's attractive and enjoy her company, and if she wasn't a colleague I would've asked her out by now. But she is a colleague, and I know how things go in restaurants. If I ask her out and get rejected there'll be talk, especially considering she's 6 years younger and I asked out and got rejected by a colleague earlier this year. I don't want to be 'that guy', I want to just do my job and have fun doing it in relative peace, not be the guy who falls for all his colleagues. Now, I'm not great with women, and my usual move of 'ask her out and get a definitive yes/no' isn't going to work for me for the above reasons, how do I proceed? How do I gauge her interest level and/or move things to where something might happen organically without too much overt rejection? | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
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Mikau
Netherlands1446 Posts
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IgnE
United States7681 Posts
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CosmicSpiral
United States15275 Posts
On July 03 2016 04:23 Mikau wrote: Need a bit of input from my favourite TL thread. I work part time (full time during school holidays) as a cook at a restaurant, and have since April last year. Up until October of last year, I was in a relationship. A colleague of mine worked full time as a waitress last summer, but quit due to school up until a few weeks ago. This is the first time (excluding a few weeks when I just started) we're both single while working. We didn't have much rapport last summer (apart from the usual colleague'y hi's and bye's and dinner talk). Currently though, it's different. She's a generally happy and upbeat person, so it's hard to tell, but she's been acting different towards me. It feels like she goes out of her way to talk to me (more "hi I'm here" than actual conversation), she teases me a little bit, is giving me nicknames (just silly things rhyming with my name), and today she touched me (I realise this sounds incredibly socially awkward, but I'm quite reserved so I don't get touchy with colleagues, apart from handshakes). All of this is new. I think she's attractive and enjoy her company, and if she wasn't a colleague I would've asked her out by now. But she is a colleague, and I know how things go in restaurants. If I ask her out and get rejected there'll be talk, especially considering she's 6 years younger and I asked out and got rejected by a colleague earlier this year. I don't want to be 'that guy', I want to just do my job and have fun doing it in relative peace, not be the guy who falls for all his colleagues. ...do you like her? Or do you like the fact that she talks to you of her own volition? How old are you if you still have school holidays and she's 6 years your junior? On July 03 2016 04:23 Mikau wrote: Now, I'm not great with women, and my usual move of 'ask her out and get a definitive yes/no' isn't going to work for me for the above reasons, how do I proceed? How do I gauge her interest level and/or move things to where something might happen organically without too much overt rejection? You shouldn't pursue the relationship if you're hedging this much. To be (unfairly) critical, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man who puts the burden of attraction on me. I couldn't trust you. Some measure of apprehension is understandable when you're young. You don't have the experience to know which attraction are based in fantasy or reality; the perceptions of your peers is just as important, if not more, than your perception of yourself. But expending this much energy to possibly control their expectations is a futile exercise. The question is between you and her, not you and them. | ||
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Mikau
Netherlands1446 Posts
On July 03 2016 12:10 CosmicSpiral wrote: ...do you like her? Or do you like the fact that she talks to you of her own volition? How old are you if you still have school holidays and she's 6 years your junior? You shouldn't pursue the relationship if you're hedging this much. To be (unfairly) critical, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a man who puts the burden of attraction on me. I couldn't trust you. Some measure of apprehension is understandable when you're young. You don't have the experience to know which attraction are based in fantasy or reality; the perceptions of your peers is just as important, if not more, than your perception of yourself. But expending this much energy to possibly control their expectations is a futile exercise. The question is between you and her, not you and them. I started working out of high school and recently went back to uni. I'm 27 and she's 19 (which I just found out, I thought she was 21. Woops). I can understand why you'd assume her attention is the main reason I am interested, I was actually wondering the same. The truth is, she's fun, I enjoy working with her and the little teasing banter, she's gorgeous with a great smile, but I don't know enough about her to be interested beyond that. I actually don't think your critique is that unfair. If the opinion of my colleagues and the atmosphere at the workplace means that much to me that it's stopping me from making a move, then maybe I should let this one go. It's both unrealistic and unfair to expect her to prove her attraction before I'm willing to take even the slightest risk myself. With that in mind, and the fact that the age difference is even larger than I thought, I'll probably let this go. There are a lot of 19 year olds in my classes to know that it's unlikely we'd click beyond chemistry. Guess I'll just use this as some innocent flirting practice unless something happens organically, which with my personality probably won't. Thanks for the insightful response. | ||
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bloodwhore~
1010 Posts
On July 03 2016 15:49 Mikau wrote:With that in mind, and the fact that the age difference is even larger than I thought, I'll probably let this go. There are a lot of 19 year olds in my classes to know that it's unlikely we'd click beyond chemistry. Guess I'll just use this as some innocent flirting practice unless something happens organically, which with my personality probably won't. Thanks for the insightful response. Yeah I wouldn't be bothered with the age difference. My current fuckbuddy is 17 (soon 18), and I'm 23! I think you are correct that you could probably click with the chemistry. However if you are looking for something more serious I think you would be at different stages in life which would not work in the long run, and it is probably not worth the risk going for something non-serious with a colleague. | ||
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B.I.G.
3251 Posts
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
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hexhaven
Finland963 Posts
On July 03 2016 07:21 IgnE wrote: Ask her if she wants to smoke some weed after your shifts. Isn't this simply what all waiters do on their time off? LemOn Also I've met my girlfriend when I was 28 and she 20. And I prefer the age difference because of the long run actually. In the long, long run, statistically, you will die before she does, meaning she will have to live 11 years without you. | ||
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CosmicSpiral
United States15275 Posts
On July 03 2016 15:49 Mikau wrote: I started working out of high school and recently went back to uni. I'm 27 and she's 19 (which I just found out, I thought she was 21. Woops). I can understand why you'd assume her attention is the main reason I am interested, I was actually wondering the same. I'm asking if you know why. A girl can be naturally flirtatious simply because they enjoy the affect they receive from other people, especially at that age. Her change in behavior towards you may be indicative of a general change in herself, not necessarily between you two. Or you could be lonely and inflating the magnitude of her actions in your mind. Or simply because attraction usually breeds attraction. On July 03 2016 15:49 Mikau wrote: The truth is, she's fun, I enjoy working with her and the little teasing banter, she's gorgeous with a great smile, but I don't know enough about her to be interested beyond that. Well, that's enough reason to ask her out on a date. Relationships have formed from a lot less. On July 03 2016 15:49 Mikau wrote: I actually don't think your critique is that unfair. If the opinion of my colleagues and the atmosphere at the workplace means that much to me that it's stopping me from making a move, then maybe I should let this one go. It's both unrealistic and unfair to expect her to prove her attraction before I'm willing to take even the slightest risk myself. ...or you could just ask her out. Pointing that out wasn't meant to dissuade you. There's such a thing as overcoming obstacles, mental or otherwise. On July 03 2016 15:49 Mikau wrote: With that in mind, and the fact that the age difference is even larger than I thought, I'll probably let this go. There are a lot of 19 year olds in my classes to know that it's unlikely we'd click beyond chemistry. Guess I'll just use this as some innocent flirting practice unless something happens organically, which with my personality probably won't. You may want to reflect on whether you have a self-defeating mindset. From the wording of your original post, it sounded like you already expected this whole enterprise to fail. If that was the case, why did you ask for advice here in the first place? Did you want someone to poke holes in it so you could give up without trying? Whatever your choice, don't frame it as if you have no volition in the matter. | ||
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B.I.G.
3251 Posts
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