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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on. Posts of the following nature are banned: 1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post. 2) Stupid brags. You can tell us about your nice success stories with someone, but posts such as 'lol 50 Tinder matches' are a no-no. 3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture. 4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments. Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. | ||
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bloodwhore~
1010 Posts
On April 17 2016 16:17 MysteryMeat1 wrote: Sometimes I feel bad for some of the guys in my major, and how bad they are with talking to the opposite sex... I don't. You can't complain about being bad at it if you never try to get better. | ||
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bloodwhore~
1010 Posts
Her personality is great but my interest for her is still wavering. Not sure if she is really my type physically and I keep comparing her to other girls and thinking I can do better. In my mind I want to think "Fuck I want to fuck her so badly." but I'm not and it's bothering me a bit. This is like the third time this happens with girls I've dated. I'm going to give it a few more dates at least. Any thoughts? This shit is pretty much deja vu for me. | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
Looks like you're too hung on absolute beauty, maybe you need to date some model type girls to really believe it's not important | ||
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waffelz
Germany711 Posts
On April 17 2016 17:20 bloodwhore~ wrote: I've been dating this girl a few weeks now. If you don't remember I went on a date with her a few months ago, she then told me she didn't have time for dating. At that point I was really into her. I went on to date others, and after a month or two she contacted me again and now we've met a few more times. Her personality is great but my interest for her is still wavering. Not sure if she is really my type physically and I keep comparing her to other girls and thinking I can do better. In my mind I want to think "Fuck I want to fuck her so badly." but I'm not and it's bothering me a bit. This is like the third time this happens with girls I've dated. I'm going to give it a few more dates at least. Any thoughts? This shit is pretty much deja vu for me. Told you before that you are about to slip into this kind of store-mentality  . It seems like you really need some relationship experience so you learn what really matters to you. In essence, a relationship is less about looks and more about personality. You shouldn’t be repelled by your partner of course, but she doesn’t have to be the most attractive women in the world. You only need to find her somewhat attractive and the rest in terms of physical attraction sorts itself out by increasing the attractiveness through feelings. And please don’t confuse “wanting to fuck the shit out of someone” with serious feelings, at least the first thing doesn’t need the second at all. There ae quite a lot of people who confuse these things. Of course this could be different for you, but I have yet to find someone who has an actual relationship that works and is based entirely on physical attraction. At some point boning someone is no longer the centre of all of it. A lot of relationships used physical attraction as an anchor because you have to start somewhere, especially when it is with a person that otherwise you won’t see regularly/again, but those who last and succeed find something more in each other. This might contribute to the fact that a lot of people confuse serious feelings with wanting to fuck someone, but those relationships who never move past the desire for sex usually don’t last very long, maybe a few month.If you want to get into a relationship you have to look out for chemistry rather than how hard your boner rages. And you might have to accept the fact that it takes longer for you to bond, find out what you really want from a relationship and how to get it (don’t have any experience with this but probably not on tinder as it seems more like a way to find someone to casually have sex with. It also seems to be saturated with people that know that/have some relationship experience and don’t want one atm). No offense, it is nice that you are no longer a virgin, but fucking someone is simple, easy and as long as you aren’t ugly or a halfwit you are guaranteed to succeed at some point if you look in the right places. If you thought by no longer being a virgin you got the hard part down I have bad news for you. Chemistry is in check, attractiveness checks out -> Go for it and see how it goes. You might get lucky. Chemistry isn’t in check, attractiveness totally checks out -> Go for it and see how it goes. Either you were wrong about the chemistry, or you are going to realize how things are prioritized. Or maybe you don’t really want a relationship at the moment (even though it would hard to decide that without any real experience) in which case you also have to act accordingly and stop telling yourself that you want to be in a relationship, just that’s what you are supposed to want. If you just want to have crazy sex with different gorgeous women go for it. I declare bloodwhore hereby our new relationship-virgin mascot. | ||
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bloodwhore~
1010 Posts
On April 17 2016 19:13 LemOn wrote: Have sex, see what happens! Looks like you're too hung on absolute beauty, maybe you need to date some model type girls to really believe it's not important Yeah I will probably do that. She is coming over later today. The girl I did have sex with had an extremely good looking body, making most beautiful women look pale in comparison. I guess my mind wants a personality with that kind of body because it thinks it can get it. You're probably right though. And please don’t confuse “wanting to fuck the shit out of someone” with serious feelings, at least the first thing doesn’t need the second at all. I don't confuse them, but my mind wants a girl with an amazing personality and to feel that it just wants to fuck her. If you thought by no longer being a virgin you got the hard part down I have bad news for you. Never thought like this but I get what you're saying. I declare bloodwhore hereby our new relationship-virgin mascot. I like the sound of this. | ||
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waffelz
Germany711 Posts
On April 17 2016 19:59 bloodwhore~ wrote: Yeah I will probably do that. She is coming over later today. The girl I did have sex with had an extremely good looking body, making most beautiful women look pale in comparison. I guess my mind wants a personality with that kind of body because it thinks it can get it. You're probably right though. Even your opinion on that might change. I mean you had sex with her – while you are fucking, your consciousness tends to get fucked as well  . It also gets bend a bit when having serious feelings for someone/when you are in a relationship. You might find out that your perception of things change quite a bit, or maybe it doesn’t.As you can see, it can differ greatly how things affect you, so it is good that you give things a chance. Others can only give you a small taste about what you might experience when getting serious with someone as it is too different for each person. When you haven’t experienced it yourself, a lot of things nobody can really explain to you without sounding like he tells you tales of magic butterflies shooting out of your butt while the whole world is pink. | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
I think you should either ditch this girl, or just keep her as one of your rotations max once per week, low to none contact in-between. And push/pull in regards to sex. A girl that's really into you won't just say she's busy, she'll make the time especially initially to not stop seeing you for over a couple weeks. Also chemistry is just that - essentially getting a boner around someone. And that's most of what love is, chemical reactions in your brain and body first, all else is secondary and you don't seem to have that. Are you still a little puppy who really needs to fuck some models, date them to realize that magazine beauty is far inferior to actual person to person chemistry and fit? Yes. Is it wrong to doubt a girl because you don't get excited feelings around her after a few weeks of dating? No. As long as you don't get your superficial head get in the way. And for me it's really black and white. If I commit to someone they have to tick chemistry, values, personality, mutual effort and respect for me to go monogamous. Really doubt trying to "grow" on someone is ever worth it, especially when getting to know new women is so easy. It's the same reason why I like to date multiple women at the same time when looking for a partner. Because when you commit to someone you'll always have to make compromises. I really believe in ruthlessness in the first few months and if you need major compromise or she doesn't knock your socks off initially it's time to ditch her or openly keep her in no commitment casual category. | ||
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MountainDewJunkie
United States10348 Posts
On April 17 2016 16:17 MysteryMeat1 wrote: Sometimes I feel bad for some of the guys in my major, and how bad they are with talking to the opposite sex... Whatever, meatbag | ||
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waffelz
Germany711 Posts
On April 18 2016 08:30 LemOn wrote: Coming back to this reading it back. I think you should either ditch this girl, or just keep her as one of your rotations max once per week, low to none contact in-between. And push/pull in regards to sex. A girl that's really into you won't just say she's busy, she'll make the time especially initially to not stop seeing you for over a couple weeks. Also chemistry is just that - essentially getting a boner around someone. And that's most of what love is, chemical reactions in your brain and body first, all else is secondary and you don't seem to have that. Are you still a little puppy who really needs to fuck some models, date them to realize that magazine beauty is far inferior to actual person to person chemistry and fit? Yes. Is it wrong to doubt a girl because you don't get excited feelings around her after a few weeks of dating? No. As long as you don't get your superficial head get in the way. And for me it's really black and white. If I commit to someone they have to tick chemistry, values, personality, mutual effort and respect for me to go monogamous. Really doubt trying to "grow" on someone is ever worth it, especially when getting to know new women is so easy. It's the same reason why I like to date multiple women at the same time when looking for a partner. Because when you commit to someone you'll always have to make compromises. I really believe in ruthlessness in the first few months and if you need major compromise or she doesn't knock your socks off initially it's time to ditch her or openly keep her in no commitment casual category. Speak for yourself, but for me chemistry is much more then wanting to fuck somebody and only a small part of what love is. That is like saying hunger is all there is to the art of cooking. | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
I can't imagine I'd want to commit to someone where there's not huge spikes of PEA, dopamine and adrenaline initially as that stuff gives way to vasopressin and oxytocin type bonding later so it's important they're high initially with a person you might spend next 60+ years with. And without these, you have a nice friend, no matter how compatible you are in terms of sociological factors and traits. | ||
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farvacola
United States18874 Posts
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Acrofales
Spain18487 Posts
On April 18 2016 20:38 farvacola wrote: There is no biological essentiality to love; in other words, folks can love one another without there being a "high." [citation needed] | ||
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farvacola
United States18874 Posts
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
On April 18 2016 20:38 farvacola wrote: There is no biological essentiality to love; in other words, folks can love one another without there being a "high." You're just talking about chemicals like vasopressin oxytocin that cause feeling of bonding and lead to monogamy. Plenty of research has been done on that. That's the "feeling" of love and is different from the chemicals that cause the "high". The high is there so you get out there and get partners, bonding chemicals are there so you stay together and raise offspring. If you'd get say experimental treatment to completely suppress your vasopressin receptors then based on research it's highly likely you'd want to look to pork other women and your "love" would hardly last. Love's not some fancy stuff, our brains are still pretty primitive machines programmed by millions of years of evolution. But I ask what kind of love it is if there's no dopamine, adrenaline and testosterone highs whatsoever and it's only the bonding chemicals that remain. I believe I deserve both and am willing to work damn hard to maintain them  | ||
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Acrofales
Spain18487 Posts
On April 18 2016 20:43 farvacola wrote: The essential character of love is unverifiable for want of denominational rigor, so no citation is needed nor would it be helpful. That's about as useful as saying that anything subjective is unverifiable and thus doesn’t exist. Nevertheless, billions of people are just as sure that they feel love as they are that they perceive the color red when they look at a rose. So, given that something called love exists, and people throughout history and fromantic wildly different cultures have been more than capable of describing it, you may choose: there is a biological basis for it, or like the priest who married two friends of mine 5 his weekend claimed: all love stems from God. I think I'll go with biology. Not only that, but neurochemists actually have a fairly decent idea about what it is that causes these feelings that Shakespeare described as: Love is a smoke raised with the fume of sighs; Being purged, a fire sparkling in lovers' eyes; Being vex'd a sea nourish'd with lovers' tears: What is it else? a madness most discreet, A choking gall and a preserving sweet. | ||
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farvacola
United States18874 Posts
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bloodwhore~
1010 Posts
On April 18 2016 08:30 LemOn wrote: I think you should either ditch this girl, or just keep her as one of your rotations max once per week, low to none contact in-between. And push/pull in regards to sex. HAHAHA "one of your rotations". That sounds harsh as fuck. I tried to escalate things last night but she wouldn't even let me remove her shirt, which is a bit odd since I had been grabbing her boobs/spooning etc for like two hours before I tried to do it and she was all for that. I'm probably going to ditch her, or at least tell her I'm not looking for anything serious with her. Just feels like I'm cuddling with a friend. I have a feeling it might come as bit of a shock to her. Her mother asked her last night if when she was coming home, and she responded with that she was staying at my place (she had apparently told her she had gone on a date with me before) and the mother responded with "Ouuuuups <3<3<3<3". My facial expression to that: ![[image loading]](http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/741/861/6b4.jpg) | ||
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LemOn
United Kingdom8629 Posts
On April 18 2016 21:16 farvacola wrote: The point is not that love doesn't exist, the point is that if someone firmly believed that they were in "love" with someone even though they experienced no specific chemical event, there'd be no meaningful way to prove them wrong. Likewise, the notion that Shakespeare had a firm grasp on the entire world of "love" is simply wrong; dude was great at describing conventional love relative to a very specific set of conditions. This is not to say that, generally speaking, referring to the neurochemical effects of "typical" love is a useless endeavor, rather that the statement "And without these [neurochemical effects], you have a nice friend, no matter how compatible you are in terms of sociological factors and traits." is wrong for ruling out alternative conceptions of love that do not rely on neurochemical events. Love can be a choice divorced from substantive enviro-neurochemical effects. How so, without the chemical reactions in your brain and body, the feeling of love can't exist in the first place? And if you don't feel love towards someone, how can you be in love with them | ||
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Uldridge
Belgium5237 Posts
On April 18 2016 23:34 LemOn wrote: How so, without the chemical reactions in your brain and body, the feeling of love can't exist in the first place? And if you don't feel love towards someone, how can you be in love with them I think it may be related to the "no true scotsman" fallacy, where you can't say someone isn't in love if the defined parameters by neuroscientists aren't met when that someone says he is in love. For that someone love may be something practical, or they might have a completely different view/understanding/feeling of it based on what he/she has experienced in the past. For some people who have been heavily abused in their past, for example, couldn't you say that their choice of being in an abusive relationship and them seeking out abusive relationships is finding love, even if it's a living hell for this person? Or is it finding something they're just so accustomed to they can't truly understand how "normal" love plays out? Edit: I actually had to hardedit my post, was so goddamn messy lol | ||
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IgnE
United States7684 Posts
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