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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
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Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On April 07 2016 13:13 herokiller_ wrote:same here I guess, though I don't think friendship was not genuine Would you mind telling more?
Huh I posted about this before, so I'll just make a quick summary. Last 2 paragraphs would be new info I guess.
I met her before I met my ex-gf, she was very close friend with my ex-gf but they eventually stop talking (female friendships). I broke up with my ex (not related to her) and lately started hitting on her.
After months she eventually cave in on a new year party (she went there to see me, she never goes out), I took her virginty 2 weeks later(22 y/o virgin, where do you find that?) and she told me something to the extent that no one has ever made her feel like I do and that she held back because of my ex but always liked me.
A week later we had a an argument and she broke up with me; a really unimportant one. What really dissapoints me is that after so long she wouldn't even consider a second chance. At some point she started talking back to me like she was interested, so I asked her out again and she said no, that she wanted us to be friends only.
I made very clear I'm not interested in that and now we don't talk at all anymore, despite seeing each other 3-4 times every week in the gym.
Of the girls I've deflowered, this was by far the most enjoyable one for both parties, sex was really good.*
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Mexico2170 Posts
On April 07 2016 22:27 LemOn wrote:
See this is where I prefer strongly no to have these conversations over the phone. And if she's not willing to even meet, tell her to just get back to you when she finds the time.
Also I don't see how asking for a chance not leaving things behind is obvious - she is feeling right there in the moment, past doesn't really matter and you should hear her out, in person, really understand her POV tell her what you want and leave her space to figure it out for herself.
And that's all you can do here, period, no amount of rationalizing or logic or pushing will help you. Scrap the birthday plans, tell her what you want and how you feel about her and then tell her she should take some time and when she figures it all out to tell you when she's free to meet in person. And given that this is a lot for her to go through prepare to be really patient. If you won't do that for her it's probably time to move on.
I understand I must give her time but what worries me is that I wouldn't be seeing her and she would still be seeing her because they are both in at least one college class together and that could..tip the balance.
So what I'm thinking is that later today shes got tennis classes, and it's very, very close to where I am so I could visit her without telling her and then just talk in person, about whats happening and her POV as you say, and then tell her how I feel. Another thing is that o believe she thinks of me as an inconditional, I'm not..I would be like "oh sure go with the girl and just call me when you break up" so maybe also put that clear.
Do you think that is a good idea?
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On April 08 2016 00:00 [Phantom] wrote:Show nested quote +On April 07 2016 22:27 LemOn wrote:
See this is where I prefer strongly no to have these conversations over the phone. And if she's not willing to even meet, tell her to just get back to you when she finds the time.
Also I don't see how asking for a chance not leaving things behind is obvious - she is feeling right there in the moment, past doesn't really matter and you should hear her out, in person, really understand her POV tell her what you want and leave her space to figure it out for herself.
And that's all you can do here, period, no amount of rationalizing or logic or pushing will help you. Scrap the birthday plans, tell her what you want and how you feel about her and then tell her she should take some time and when she figures it all out to tell you when she's free to meet in person. And given that this is a lot for her to go through prepare to be really patient. If you won't do that for her it's probably time to move on. I understand I must give her time but what worries me is that I wouldn't be seeing her and she would still be seeing her because they are both in at least one college class together and that could..tip the balance. So what I'm thinking is that later today shes got tennis classes, and it's very, very close to where I am so I could visit her without telling her and then just talk in person, about whats happening and her POV as you say, and then tell her how I feel. Another thing is that o believe she thinks of me as an inconditional, I'm not..I would be like "oh sure go with the girl and just call me when you break up" so maybe also put that clear. Do you think that is a good idea?
How much do you trust her?
I don't know if I am extrapolating or not but it seems you are just her safety net. Leaves you, gets someone else. When it goes south goes back to you.
I really can't handle/stand undecisive girls so I just tell them to figure out what they want and then contact me. No contacts in between unless she initiates it. It is not that easy to do but that is the most drama/pain free solution. If she likes you she will contact you, if not then it's more meaningful than any discussion.
But the cold treatment you describe with the sudden shift in behaviour, I just get away from girls like this.
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On April 08 2016 00:00 [Phantom] wrote:Show nested quote +On April 07 2016 22:27 LemOn wrote:
See this is where I prefer strongly no to have these conversations over the phone. And if she's not willing to even meet, tell her to just get back to you when she finds the time.
Also I don't see how asking for a chance not leaving things behind is obvious - she is feeling right there in the moment, past doesn't really matter and you should hear her out, in person, really understand her POV tell her what you want and leave her space to figure it out for herself.
And that's all you can do here, period, no amount of rationalizing or logic or pushing will help you. Scrap the birthday plans, tell her what you want and how you feel about her and then tell her she should take some time and when she figures it all out to tell you when she's free to meet in person. And given that this is a lot for her to go through prepare to be really patient. If you won't do that for her it's probably time to move on. I understand I must give her time but what worries me is that I wouldn't be seeing her and she would still be seeing her because they are both in at least one college class together and that could..tip the balance. So what I'm thinking is that later today shes got tennis classes, and it's very, very close to where I am so I could visit her without telling her and then just talk in person, about whats happening and her POV as you say, and then tell her how I feel. Another thing is that o believe she thinks of me as an inconditional, I'm not..I would be like "oh sure go with the girl and just call me when you break up" so maybe also put that clear. Do you think that is a good idea?
If she's bi-curious, the urge to experiment and figure things out is just going to get stronger and stronger. If I were in your shoes, I'd be absolutely distraught like you at possibly losing your shot with her after all this time... but since it's *not* me, I can be more objective when I say that she needs to figure out her identity and who she's attracted to. Give her her freedom and let her do her own thing. Love can be selfish, but you shouldn't be willing to hurt her or suppress her identity in order to make you feel good about yourself. I think it's less about "trusting her" and more about "letting her figure out who she really is". She may or may not come back to you, but the right thing to do is to help her figure out what she's confused about (or, at least, don't stop her from learning). It sucks though 
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On April 08 2016 00:00 [Phantom] wrote:Show nested quote +On April 07 2016 22:27 LemOn wrote:
See this is where I prefer strongly no to have these conversations over the phone. And if she's not willing to even meet, tell her to just get back to you when she finds the time.
Also I don't see how asking for a chance not leaving things behind is obvious - she is feeling right there in the moment, past doesn't really matter and you should hear her out, in person, really understand her POV tell her what you want and leave her space to figure it out for herself.
And that's all you can do here, period, no amount of rationalizing or logic or pushing will help you. Scrap the birthday plans, tell her what you want and how you feel about her and then tell her she should take some time and when she figures it all out to tell you when she's free to meet in person. And given that this is a lot for her to go through prepare to be really patient. If you won't do that for her it's probably time to move on. I understand I must give her time but what worries me is that I wouldn't be seeing her and she would still be seeing her because they are both in at least one college class together and that could..tip the balance. So what I'm thinking is that later today shes got tennis classes, and it's very, very close to where I am so I could visit her without telling her and then just talk in person, about whats happening and her POV as you say, and then tell her how I feel. Another thing is that o believe she thinks of me as an inconditional, I'm not..I would be like "oh sure go with the girl and just call me when you break up" so maybe also put that clear. Do you think that is a good idea?
NONONONONONONONONO!
That'll drive her away man! Don't fall under the illusion of action - if you really want to tip the balance towards you, you have to do it by leave it or take it attitude, give her the space to miss you and figure stuff out. And focus on yourself and your personal passions in the meantime so when/if she does see you again, she meets a great person who's satisfied on his own.
She DOESN'T KNOW What her point of view is yet, don't force it or you'll for sure push her away - she has to come to you on her own pace. Right now just stop all contact as it seems like you were chasing her and when she comes back to you about anything (it's usually some random stuff like "hey" "was thinking about you" "so I just did this random thing") tell her you want to see her and ask her when she's free to get together. That's usually the female way of asking for just that.
What you do next is really up to you - personally, if I know I REALLY want the girl the first couple dates after something weird happens and there's been time off I'd just focus on having fun, present moment and having an awesome fun date. Basically think of it like dating a fresh person - you wouldn't bring up confusing deep stuff. And when she's ready, might take a couple dates she'll probably bring it up herself. And if she doesn't, do it once things are good again.
I kinda believe in the Keynesian Approach to relationships - when the relationship cycle is near the low point inject attraction building currency into it focus on light awesome time and sex and present moment, pull deep conversations that are annoying/awkward but necessary when it's at the top.
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Going cold as Lemon suggests is a double edged sword tho, as she can just not come back. Thats what i've experienced anyway, just at that point where things are uncertain and the female is considering stuff I always end up never talking to her again if i drop contact.
That being said, I still wouldnt chase her. If its not meant to be so be it.
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Do you really want to be with someone who you actively chased, prepared cool thing for birthday and she won't even send you a single text for 80 years or however long you live when you stop chasing her?
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On April 08 2016 05:28 LemOn wrote:
Do you really want to be with someone who you actively chased, prepared cool thing for birthday and she won't even send you a single text for 80 years or however long you live when you stop chasing her?
I don't think it's appropriate to project the situation in that manner- that they're refusing to communicate with you for 80 years. lol. Obviously, if the girl "comes around" and realizes that you're the person she wants to be with, then she's going to be responsive and communicative again.
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On April 08 2016 04:08 Skynx wrote:
Going cold as Lemon suggests is a double edged sword tho, as she can just not come back. Thats what i've experienced anyway, just at that point where things are uncertain and the female is considering stuff I always end up never talking to her again if i drop contact.
That being said, I still wouldnt chase her. If its not meant to be so be it.
Well if she doesn't come back, then she simply doesn't feel the attraction anymore, so there's nothing to be lost from it. Passion and intimacy come from within. If someone has to be reminded of them, either they don't really feel them or they can just as easily lose those feelings after a time.
In other news, I might've found the one. A girl who can both give and take roasts and meta-roasts. My favorite trait in a girl.
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On April 08 2016 06:07 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:Show nested quote +On April 08 2016 04:08 Skynx wrote:
Going cold as Lemon suggests is a double edged sword tho, as she can just not come back. Thats what i've experienced anyway, just at that point where things are uncertain and the female is considering stuff I always end up never talking to her again if i drop contact.
That being said, I still wouldnt chase her. If its not meant to be so be it. Well if she doesn't come back, then she simply doesn't feel the attraction anymore, so there's nothing to be lost from it. Passion and intimacy come from within. If someone has to be reminded of them, either they don't really feel them or they can just as easily lose those feelings after a time. In other news, I might've found the one. A girl who can both give and take roasts and meta-roasts. My favorite trait in a girl.
Ok, if I try, I can imagine some kind of kinky fetish thingy when talking about roasts, but wtf is a meta-roast.
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On April 08 2016 06:07 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:Show nested quote +On April 08 2016 04:08 Skynx wrote:
Going cold as Lemon suggests is a double edged sword tho, as she can just not come back. Thats what i've experienced anyway, just at that point where things are uncertain and the female is considering stuff I always end up never talking to her again if i drop contact.
That being said, I still wouldnt chase her. If its not meant to be so be it. Well if she doesn't come back, then she simply doesn't feel the attraction anymore, so there's nothing to be lost from it. Passion and intimacy come from within. If someone has to be reminded of them, either they don't really feel them or they can just as easily lose those feelings after a time. In other news, I might've found the one. A girl who can both give and take roasts and meta-roasts. My favorite trait in a girl.
My Point was by dropping contact you basically call gg if she's a really attention seeking one.
Yeh tell more about the roast.
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On April 08 2016 06:32 Acrofales wrote:Show nested quote +On April 08 2016 06:07 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:On April 08 2016 04:08 Skynx wrote:
Going cold as Lemon suggests is a double edged sword tho, as she can just not come back. Thats what i've experienced anyway, just at that point where things are uncertain and the female is considering stuff I always end up never talking to her again if i drop contact.
That being said, I still wouldnt chase her. If its not meant to be so be it. Well if she doesn't come back, then she simply doesn't feel the attraction anymore, so there's nothing to be lost from it. Passion and intimacy come from within. If someone has to be reminded of them, either they don't really feel them or they can just as easily lose those feelings after a time. In other news, I might've found the one. A girl who can both give and take roasts and meta-roasts. My favorite trait in a girl. Ok, if I try, I can imagine some kind of kinky fetish thingy when talking about roasts, but wtf is a meta-roast.
Roasting as in shit-talking. And then shit-talking the shit-talking itself.
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On April 08 2016 06:49 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:Show nested quote +On April 08 2016 06:32 Acrofales wrote:On April 08 2016 06:07 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:On April 08 2016 04:08 Skynx wrote:
Going cold as Lemon suggests is a double edged sword tho, as she can just not come back. Thats what i've experienced anyway, just at that point where things are uncertain and the female is considering stuff I always end up never talking to her again if i drop contact.
That being said, I still wouldnt chase her. If its not meant to be so be it. Well if she doesn't come back, then she simply doesn't feel the attraction anymore, so there's nothing to be lost from it. Passion and intimacy come from within. If someone has to be reminded of them, either they don't really feel them or they can just as easily lose those feelings after a time. In other news, I might've found the one. A girl who can both give and take roasts and meta-roasts. My favorite trait in a girl. Ok, if I try, I can imagine some kind of kinky fetish thingy when talking about roasts, but wtf is a meta-roast. Roasting as in shit-talking. And then shit-talking the shit-talking itself.
That sounds really boring in comparison to getting creative with these implements:
+ Show Spoiler [images, sfw; just big] +
I am disappointed 
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On April 08 2016 08:30 Acrofales wrote:Show nested quote +On April 08 2016 06:49 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:On April 08 2016 06:32 Acrofales wrote:On April 08 2016 06:07 [UoN]Sentinel wrote:On April 08 2016 04:08 Skynx wrote:
Going cold as Lemon suggests is a double edged sword tho, as she can just not come back. Thats what i've experienced anyway, just at that point where things are uncertain and the female is considering stuff I always end up never talking to her again if i drop contact.
That being said, I still wouldnt chase her. If its not meant to be so be it. Well if she doesn't come back, then she simply doesn't feel the attraction anymore, so there's nothing to be lost from it. Passion and intimacy come from within. If someone has to be reminded of them, either they don't really feel them or they can just as easily lose those feelings after a time. In other news, I might've found the one. A girl who can both give and take roasts and meta-roasts. My favorite trait in a girl. Ok, if I try, I can imagine some kind of kinky fetish thingy when talking about roasts, but wtf is a meta-roast. Roasting as in shit-talking. And then shit-talking the shit-talking itself. That sounds really boring in comparison to getting creative with these implements: + Show Spoiler [images, sfw; just big] +I am disappointed
That one's more fun but less useful :p there's something nice about being able to call someone a fucking whore and not meaning it, in full expectation of some bantz of her own.
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Mexico2170 Posts
So.. I did go and talked with her. I'm not sure if it was the correct decision for the future of our relationship but I wanted to do it to feel better with myself.
At first I wanted to say some very sentimental stuff, you know those ankward conversations that are necessary as one of you said, but I read what you all said here and took a more calm approach. At first we just talked about whatever, had some laughs and all so it was cool. But there was a moment when we both went quiet and she brought up the topic. We talked a little about it, which was nice cause its better to talk about that in person. I talked very calmly and so did she. She didn't tell me anything she didn't say in our chat, except that she had asked a friend that was lesbian about how she had found out she was lesbian and that she even talked with her mother about what was happening, so it seems pretty serious.
While I didn't do the things I had planned for her birthday I did gave her her present, cause I mean, what do I want it for anyway? And also since I ordered it online there is a limited time for changes if it's damaged or something so better to give it to her now. She seemed to really like it.
I am calmer now, altough nothing was solved I'm glad we could talk face to face. I know the hard part of waiting starts now. I'm not very hopeful, since the "I get nervous when she texts me" thing isn't very encouraging.
She texted me like half an hour ago thanking me for the present saying "I don't have words to describe how much I loved it [...]" (it's a music cd from a band she likes, but its super rare and hard to find now as they don't make them anymore). I answered her that I was glad she liked it and stuff and that she owes me nothing, she saw the message and then she didn't answer. But that's alright.
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Sounds good. As you said, now the hard part starts. It's not just letting her figure out what she wants, but you really have to let her go. If she comes back, then reevaluate, but right now she is off doing her ring, and you should go off and do your thing.
No need to jump into dating other girls, but don't spend your time pining over her either. Do stuff that you enjoy.
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Yeah I think that's the key - I find women absolutely cream their panties for someone who doesn't need external validation and is happy/confident from within - that's why this for sure was not good for your relationship.
And that's why Acrofales's advice is great - focus on your passions whatever they are, if it's women then pork as many as you can, work on being happy with yourself so next time whatever she does won't tip you off your balance because you want her but not need her to be happy and feel better with yourself.
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Definitely agree with Lem0ns view. It's way easier to get dates/interest if you just relax a bit and put the ball entirely in their hand. Feels like they think that you can get anyone you want if you "act" like it.
Not super related maybe, but I've been skiing the last 10 days in the alps. Told the girl I'm currently dating that we'd talk in 10 days when I was back home. Said and done.
At the same time my friend was talking to a girl he started seeing the entire time we were in the alps. The last girl he was dating he wouldn't put down the phone with her when we were out. Now this might work with some girls but I've always felt that he spends way to much energy on texting, and to me he comes off as really needy/clingy.
It's the best "lesson" I've gotten from this thread.
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The idea is not to put the ball entirely in their hands - you still need to be somewhat proactive. However, you can't be hanging onto them all the time, putting in way more effort etc. And as Lemon says, you need to be happy with yourself, or else you will be needy.
Personally I've been dating a woman for about 3 to 4 weeks now, and we've honestly sent probably 10 texts and 20 messages, but all of our dates are great and 4 to 5 hours long. It's been working out really well. She's going through exams right now so we may text a bit between now and the next date, because it will be a while.
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Mexico2170 Posts
Well, that doesn't matter because it blew up. It happened so fast xD I tried to stop it but I just felt exactly like in this image http://i.imgur.com/gGbS4.jpg
So, after that talk we had and after she said thanks for the present I didn't contact her anymore...but friday she sent me a song and told me to analyze it (something we used to do) so I did even though I was at a small party. It was related to our situation and said something like "you can't pick who you love" I said I dissagreed with that. Maybe not who you're atracked to but who you love. That started a conversation which was fine. At some point however I said something like "I can see you are still confused, that's the reason I wanted to give you time to figure yourself out. Meanwhile do your thing, and i'll be doing my stuff (and here's where I fucked up: ) in fact i'm at a party atm. Take your time, when you know how you feel let me know  "
I said that to let her know that I wasn't in my house sobbing waiting for an aswer or anything, but oh boy was that a mistake.
She got angry and said that being in a party wasn't doing anything good for me and she started to bring up various things that she didn't like about me or mistakes I did. The problem was that some of these things were things I had done months ago and I hadn't noticed that they had made her feel bad, and she didn't bring them up either so basically she just kept them until she couldn't hold them and exploded.
So she started sending messages and I tried to calm her, but she just kind of passed over my messages and I could see how she was getting progressively angrier and I was like "Omg.. no, not this way". It's seriously even kind of comical how it started to get out of control so fast.
Then she started kind of rambling... She took some comments I made (where for example I told her we should go to this cool bar or we should go to this party) and then extrapolated that and said that I only cared about parties, that life isn't about going to night clubs and getting 100 women, and in her last message said that I would be better with one of those superficial girls and to quote her "with all the parties and clothes you would be her god".
And...that's just not the person that I am...I haven't gone to a bar in 6 months, this party was the first one I went in about two months. I don't have a lot of money, I don't think I dress badly, but certainly not with expensive brands. Basically she picked some comments I had made (which I should have known hurted her), and then created this story of who I was.
The thing is she should know I'm not like that, I always do stuff that superficial people don't do. We wrote a small novel together, we talked about those serious topics like death and the meaning of life often. We always talked about how to make ourselves better persons, and while I did told her to go to a couple of bars, I also told her to go to the theater and do some cultural stuff. It seems to me that in her anger she focused on certain things and comments that I had made, but didn't really think about the whole picture
One specific example was one day where I was dressed very formal as I had an event but I met her before I went to it. So we met and she was wearing those kind of jeans that are like ragged and a baggy sweter. It just semed funny to me, you know the contrast of me being wearing something so formal and she being dressed like that, so I told her just that, with a smile on my face, she didn't even look bad, but apparently she took that comment to heart. It's my fault as I should have known better than to tell her that she was badly dressed, even if I meant it as a joke. But man...why didn''t she remember the day where she was wearing a casual dress with Gremlin stamps all over it and I told her that she looked great.
I mean..she was always one of those girls that dressed a lot in black with those shirts from Iron Maiden or Bring me the horizon and used those leather boots. If I was superficial I would have never talked to her in the first place, but I guess when you are angry you don't think about that. In fact it appears she was judging me for the way I dressed and the people I hanged out with and that's also superficial <.< but anyway.
So yeah basically that comment of me being at a party made her explode, but like I said I can't really blame her. Even though she kept those things instead of saying them until she exploded, I shouldn't have made those comments in the first place anyway and be more clear about what I liked.
So, this is over. We haven't talked since and with this happening I'm 100% sure that she will go with that girl and become bi or lesbian. I'm surprisingly calmer than I thought I would be, but it's still a weird feeling. I think I feel more frustrated that she thinks I was superficial (first person ever to tell me that) and that I couldn't show her that I wasn't, than with her leaving as I had started to make myself to that idea already.
However... I would still like to talk to her in person. Breaking up in chat is sucky honestly and I think we liked each other enough that we deserve to have a face to face conversation were we end up good, say goodbye and then go on our ways instead of an angry and confusing chat. She has some clothes of mine and a speaker so I would need to see her for that anyway eventually.
So, should I wait and see if she says anything? and if she doesn't in about, idk a week or two ask her about my stuff? Or should I tell her to meet up? (something tells me this would be bad, but since it's over, I mean its not as if I could lose anything really) Or? Any other option?
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