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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
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3) Any misogynistic bullshit, including discussion about rape culture.
4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On March 21 2016 07:11 Kleinmuuhg wrote:
ok, choose one:
1) she is in real danger of being sexually assaulted -> why would you ask the internet what to do
2) its about their relationship in general/cultural differences (this is how your post opened) ->there is no need to go into that extreme detail, i personally would be very disappointed if some friend of a friend of my gf knew that intimate stuff, let alone him posting it openly on the internet ( but if you disagree on that one, thats fine, its just my opinion)
I'll choose both.
1. given our distance from her and lack of familiarity with Czech and German culture, we couldn't figure out if there actually was a real danger of sexual assault, hence the seeking of advice. This is one of my favorite things about TL; it provides users with a means of reaching across borders in a way that other sites simply do not, and given the fact that I respect the opinions of many who frequent threads like this, it seemed like a good idea. Furthermore, sexual assault is a very tricky concept when it involves relationships and the possibility that someone is putting themselves in danger because of emotional impulses, which is again why getting some 3rd party opinions seemed particularly appropriate in this case.
2. The details provided were chosen because they were the most troubling and they described the instances in which the dude invoked cultural differences as a justification. It should be clear that neither my girlfriend nor myself really care whether or not this dude would be disappointed by our behavior; we are acting in the face of what appears to be a series of poor choices on the part of someone my girlfriend considers a dear friend. In other words, in balancing privacy considerations with our desire to get a better grasp on how we ought to try and help her friend avoid something that could turn very ugly, we erred on the side of disclosure.
Again, had we used names or anything that actually indicated the identity of people at play, I think you'd have a point. However, given that identifying characteristics were not disclosed and only the most important details were shared, I don't consider it scummy. Men who do shitty things to women ought not expect their actions to remain confidential, particularly since, ya know, society has been attempting to move away from traditionalist gender bullshit for decades now.
On March 21 2016 07:13 waffelz wrote:Show nested quote +On March 21 2016 07:03 farvacola wrote:
So you think its scummy for a best friend to seek out advice relative to her friend's situation when everyone is kept anonymous and there appears to be a real threat of sexual assault? I still don't follow. Men are used to not speaking openly about their problems in most cultures, therefore speaking about certain things with their friends often seems odd to them. Women on the other hand don't fall under that pressure, its ok for them to speak about their problems since its not considered as a sign of weakness/it is acceptable to be weak. That is my best guess.
Ahh yes, this makes sense.
I should add that while I disagree, Klein, I thank you for providing your opinion.
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fair enough , i see your point
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I am Czech altho lived most of 18y+ life in the UK
And he sounds like a religious nut. Which is a very small minority here but does exist.
Rest of stuff sounds like typical insecure Czech Person
Abort abort. Really not sure why people bother with toxic folks initially before getting committed. If you want to be kind and trusting in the right person, you need to be ruthless in eliminating people that don't fit that bill asap.
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He complains about women being church leaders but fucks girls before marriage? He tries to force her to have sex anyway? I appreciate you being culturally sensitive but what if we would have said that that shit is normal in his culture? Would you have told your friend to stop being ignorant and just let that asshole beat and rape her?
My point is fuck his culture. If anyone does anything to you that you don't like, it doesn't really matter where the fuck they are from or what is normal to them.
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On March 21 2016 10:37 B.I.G. wrote:
He complains about women being church leaders but fucks girls before marriage? He tries to force her to have sex anyway? I appreciate you being culturally sensitive but what if we would have said that that shit is normal in his culture? Would you have told your friend to stop being ignorant and just let that asshole beat and rape her?
My point is fuck his culture. If anyone does anything to you that you don't like, it doesn't really matter where the fuck they are from or what is normal to them.
Your point is well taken, the issue is that my gf's friend is somewhat lonely, isolated, and clearly in a place where she's being prompted to look past some pretty obvious warning signs in the interest of continuing things with this guy. I share your sentiment and have been basically saying fuck this dude from the get go.
My gf thanks y'all for the advice/information 
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Probably means she's not exactly a catch herself.
And these people are like magnets - good luck trying to get them away from one another.
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I know I came to the party late, but farv- if those things in the list are even remotely true about that guy- then that guy is fucked up. Even excusing cultural differences as a possible justification for his view on women needing to be "traditional" and conservative, he sounds way too domineering when it comes to decision making. And then there's the basic sexual assault/ rape attempts/ hitting his girlfriend. That kind of physical abuse is completely uncalled for, and it sounds like the girl is in an incredibly dangerous relationship. He sounds way too overbearing, borderline obsessive, and an all-around unstable guy. He doesn't respect her mentally or physically, and that's not appropriate for a relationship.
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Hey guys, my girlfriend and I are having a debate, and was hoping you guys could chime in. I don't want to give away too much, so the question is:
Do you have an obligation to destroy your exes nude/dick/topless pictures (as well as any videos) from your possession upon their request?
Poll: To above question:Yes (29) 85% No (5) 15% 34 total votes Your vote: To above question: (Vote): Yes
(Vote): No
Upon request of ex, not current gf/bf.
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I would say yes because it's a matter of decency, if you are suddenly uncomfortable that stuff is out there well you should be confident that it will be deleted if you ask.
I mean come on, if you've already seen the photo, who really gives a shit, just delete it, what new value are you going to get from it? Unless you are planning on using it for blackmail which paints you as fairly immature.
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If you're in a new, exclusive relationship, I think it makes plenty of sense to remove inappropriate/ intimate/ sexual pictures of ex-lovers. I would do that even before I get asked... she wouldn't even have to ask me.
An occasional trinket or sentimental gift can certainly be a thing to keep, but nude pics of your ex? That's an alarm for your new girlfriend. You're with her now, not your ex anymore. Keep any residual feelings you have for your ex in your head.
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No because if your dumb enough to take pictures like that you deserve to have them plastered all over the internet.
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On March 26 2016 17:05 B.I.G. wrote:
No because if your dumb enough to take pictures like that you deserve to have them plastered all over the internet.
This is a retarded statement in my opinion. Okay if you say "If they somehow manage to get on the internet it is your own fault." but to say that "they deserve to be plastered on the internet" is actually pretty crazy. Way to support healthier attitudes among mankind.
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On March 26 2016 13:19 FiWiFaKi wrote:Hey guys, my girlfriend and I are having a debate, and was hoping you guys could chime in. I don't want to give away too much, so the question is: Do you have an obligation to destroy your exes nude/dick/topless pictures (as well as any videos) from your possession upon their request? Poll: To above question:Yes (29) 85% No (5) 15% 34 total votes Your vote: To above question: (Vote): Yes
(Vote): No
Upon request of ex, not current gf/bf.
Germany just had several court cases regarding this during the last year.
And the verdict was clear.
The Ex does not have to ask you, you have to delete any material you took of her/him, no matter if (s)he knows of it's existence or not, if (s)he agreed to it or not. Relationship over -> delete any private material
Keeping it for yourself is a criminal act, and publishing it even more so.
Now this is surely different in other countries, but here the situation is pretty clear now, and completely independent from your new relationship status.
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On March 26 2016 13:19 FiWiFaKi wrote:Hey guys, my girlfriend and I are having a debate, and was hoping you guys could chime in. I don't want to give away too much, so the question is: Do you have an obligation to destroy your exes nude/dick/topless pictures (as well as any videos) from your possession upon their request? Poll: To above question:Yes (29) 85% No (5) 15% 34 total votes Your vote: To above question: (Vote): Yes
(Vote): No
Upon request of ex, not current gf/bf.
Of course you delete them as soon as the relationship ends unless you are absolutely certain that she/he doesn’t mind, that’s just common decency. His/her trust in you shouldn’t immediately get violated just because he/she no longer sleeps with you.
Just think about all the stuff you told your ex-partners in good trust. You still expect them to be somewhat discrete about it, don’t you? (Partially a lost hope I know, but at least that’s how we would like it to be).
If you know that your ex is (most likely) not cool about you having this stuff, it surely is your obligation to delete them, everything else feels a bit weird. Like when the fappening happened, those pictures got a lot of their “worth” for many people through the fact that the people presented on them didn’t want them to be out there – If you think about it, it makes the whole thing look much more disgusting, even though the psychological stuff behind it was intriguing. Don’t be that kind of weirdo.
And even when he/she is totally ok with you having those pics, you should delete them anyway. As DarkPlasmaBall said, that’s just a huge red flag for any future partner. The idea of your partner disliking if you watch porn while in a relationship with them is understandable, yet leaves open for discussion. The idea of your partner keeping pictures/vids of their former partners is much touchier since you share a history with said ex-partner and it will be hard to accept for your partner that it’s just something nice to look at without any serious/worrying emotions attached to it.
If it’s just for the sake of nudes, I heard there are one or two guys on the internet that have some small websites where you can see lots of naked people. Could be a rumour though.
EDIT: Regarding mahrgells post: Germany fuck yeah! Didn’t knew about that, that’s a really good thing in my opinion.
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On March 26 2016 13:19 FiWiFaKi wrote:Hey guys, my girlfriend and I are having a debate, and was hoping you guys could chime in. I don't want to give away too much, so the question is: Do you have an obligation to destroy your exes nude/dick/topless pictures (as well as any videos) from your possession upon their request? Poll: To above question:Yes (29) 85% No (5) 15% 34 total votes Your vote: To above question: (Vote): Yes
(Vote): No
Upon request of ex, not current gf/bf.
I'm really happy the votes ended up this way, because it was "Yes has 1 vote; No has 2 votes" when I first saw it and I got worried lol.
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I think this raises a whole lot of philosophical issues: how does she know you deleted them? if she knows she can't know then what is she really asking for? what's the harm in looking yourself and how does it differ from posting anonymously on the internet? potential future harm to her compared to a "victimless" crime of keeping for yourself.
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I voted yes.
Though of course there is the addendum: If the relationship ended by your ex cheating on you, the pics are going on r/gonewild first.
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That makes your ex an asshole and yourself a criminal
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On March 27 2016 06:45 Kleinmuuhg wrote:
That makes your ex an asshole and yourself a criminal
word. Even though I would add "that makes you both assholes and yourself a criminal one".
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Cheating is just a symptom of something else wrong in the relationship imo. If that's what it takes to end a relationship, then it is just the final nail in the coffin. That one alone wouldn't have sealed it.....
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EPT
