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On December 09 2015 16:36 LemOn wrote:Show nested quote +On December 09 2015 14:31 WarSame wrote:
I'm 22 and I've never had a girlfriend, but it doesn't really bother me. It'll happen eventually. Is that weird? Not if it doesn't bother you! As long as you don't subsidize real relationships with porn and social media, and you're at a stage in life where you focus on your passions, working on yourself and are fulfilled without females it will come eventually and it's not unhealthy or anything.
100% agree.
On December 09 2015 15:34 herokiller_ wrote:
anyway guys, give me some thoughts on this situation
I have a really good female friend (we've known each other since university 7-8 years now)
we do not meet very often, but have good times together when we do (our characters match pretty well I would say) and I do find her attractive too. I mean I would like to try to date/build long term relationships with her.
The problems is she told me several times that I'm "not her type" (like there no spark, dunno how to say it in english)
I guess first thought would be - "you're friendzoned, gg", but I don't think it's your typical friendzone.
It's not like I'm being used, and I'm not like "crazy in love" and suffering. Also, I haven't actually directly stated my feelings once. I find it complicated because we know each other for a long time. Also she once had a relationships with one of my friends which ended up poorly. (I think he still hasn't got over her). (Note: I didn't consider her a love interest at that time, but we were on good terms). I also know she doesn't date anybody at the moment ( and didn't since that time with my friend). Sorry for poor english, what are your thoughts?
1. Would you be willing to risk your friendship with her for the chance that you two become serious and intimate? That seems to be the biggest risk here: you can go for it and ask her out, but that might make things awkward between you two from this point on. It'll jeopardize your friendship with her, but if you seriously like her, there's nothing worse than watching her date other guys and only talk to you platonically and ignore you romantically. I'm generally not a fan of just sitting on the sidelines and not being proactive about these things; you're in charge of your own fate. And she's single!
2. How long ago did your friend date her? How good of a friend is he? Do you think he'd be offended if you started dating her? Do you think he'd understand your position as one of sincere interest, or is he more likely to take it personally if you pursue her?
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On December 09 2015 15:34 herokiller_ wrote:
[...]The problems is she told me several times that I'm "not her type" (like there no spark, dunno how to say it in english)[...]
what are your thoughts?
I think that this comment answers your question pretty well. She feels that there isn't any 'spark' between you two and, if it doesn't exist at the beginning of a relationship (or at a previous stage where you seem to be), I wouldn't contemplate starting one. Personally, it is something that should exist at least at the beginning of any relationship for it to develop into something more serious.
I'd recommend you to rationalize your relationship with her and keep it as it is.
I guess first thought would be - "you're friendzoned, gg", but I don't think it's your typical friendzone.
It's not like I'm being used, and I'm not like "crazy in love" and suffering
Being 'friendzoned' does not necessarily mean that you are being used by someone, it just means that a friendship is not gonna turn into a relationship for one or another reason.
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On December 09 2015 21:15 SMaD wrote:Show nested quote +On December 09 2015 15:34 herokiller_ wrote:
[...]The problems is she told me several times that I'm "not her type" (like there no spark, dunno how to say it in english)[...]
what are your thoughts?
I think that this comment answers your question pretty well. She feels that there isn't any 'spark' between you two and, if it doesn't exist at the beginning of a relationship (or at a previous stage where you seem to be), I wouldn't contemplate starting one. Personally, it is something that should exist at least at the beginning of any relationship for it to develop into something more serious. I'd recommend you to rationalize your relationship with her and keep it as it is.
Yeah, you sound as she does in a way. Well, the problem with keeping this relationship is that it kinda fuels my attraction to her.
Being 'friendzoned' does not necessarily mean that you are being used by someone, it just means that a friendship is not gonna turn into a relationship for one or another reason.
Yeah, you're right, I just didn't formulate my thoughts correctly.
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Another example, recently she told me she's going on a journey to europe, and invited me to go with her (just the two of us)
If I do rationalize our relationships, it would definitely be awkward to go on such a trip (for me, not for her it seems).
What is she thinking, really?
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On December 09 2015 22:26 herokiller_ wrote:
Another example, recently she told me she's going on a journey to europe, and invited me to go with her (just the two of us)
If I do rationalize our relationships, it would definitely be awkward to go on such a trip (for me, not for her it seems).
What is she thinking, really?
Well that's certainly an opportunity for her to realize she was wrong to only see you as a platonic friend, if I've ever seen one.
Go!
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So you guys will plan and book a pretty expensive multi week trip and on night 1 you are weeping in the hotel room professing your love for her? Yeah. That's what I would call a recipe for disaster.
Seriously, don't go on that trip with her if you are planning on making a move. Save yourself the horror.
It kind of sounds like you guys just have been good friends for almost a decade and recently you started to feel like you should get a girlfriend and you are wrongfully looking at your friend as a potential love interest. Let her just be a friend and focus your energy on girls with whom a romantic relationship is more feasible.
And to address WarSame's question as well: I've been dating for 10+ years now and none of those girls even came close to being "the one". I don't regret any of it but I could've done without the vast majority of it for sure. Point being that if you wait with it all until you find a really cute girl (or guy) you really like you can rest assured you didn't miss out by not wasting time on all the doomed-to-fail relationships.
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So now there's a sample size of 2 lol.
There's certainly something to be said for opening up and being vulnerable with another person. Agreeing to let your guard down can change the dynamic of a friendship/ relationship.
But it'd be silly to think this is a solution to dating problems.
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They did a study with N=33, which is a decent sample size. Feel free to read the study - it's fairly well written.
And yeah, I don't think you'll find a lot of people are willing to let their guard down like that unless they're comfortable with you already.
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It's funny, because this kind of stuff just happens to me sometimes; you open up to a relative stranger you only just met really for the first time and you surprise yourself with how open you are towards each other etc. Sometimes its even romantically but sometimes its not. Sometimes (but more rarely) it even happens with a guy.
Oddly enough, it's pretty hard to follow it up, the next time you meet. Usually, the circumstances are different ones or in between meetings expectations began to rise and one hopes for another of those "magic" conversations. Personally, nothing substantial ever arose from of one of those conversations, but they are great experiences none the less and I always feel like both sides can win a lot in one of those.
Maybe there is just more substance to a friendship/relationship that got built by constant interest and attentiveness over a long period of time.
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Yeah, I meant to make a longer post regarding my thoughts:
It's very unlikely that any couple [as in people] would follow the list of questions. That would, honestly, just be weird. However, the general principle of slowly increasing intimacy seems like a pretty *duh* way to build a relationship. Some people are probably naturally good at it, but it seems like making a conscious effort to get into deeper questions could facilitate the development of a relationship [not necessarily a romantic one]. Be interesting to take a look at the questions and see which ones you've asked before and in what sort of order and things like that.
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On December 09 2015 22:39 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:Show nested quote +On December 09 2015 22:26 herokiller_ wrote:
Another example, recently she told me she's going on a journey to europe, and invited me to go with her (just the two of us)
If I do rationalize our relationships, it would definitely be awkward to go on such a trip (for me, not for her it seems).
What is she thinking, really?
Well that's certainly an opportunity for her to realize she was wrong to only see you as a platonic friend, if I've ever seen one. Go!
Didn't know you can troll too :D
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On December 10 2015 08:48 LemOn wrote:Show nested quote +On December 09 2015 22:39 DarkPlasmaBall wrote:On December 09 2015 22:26 herokiller_ wrote:
Another example, recently she told me she's going on a journey to europe, and invited me to go with her (just the two of us)
If I do rationalize our relationships, it would definitely be awkward to go on such a trip (for me, not for her it seems).
What is she thinking, really?
Well that's certainly an opportunity for her to realize she was wrong to only see you as a platonic friend, if I've ever seen one. Go! Didn't know you can troll too :D
I can, but I was actually serious lol. Things could certainly go wrong, but it seems like there needs to be a drastic change in her perspective of him if he wants to make things work. I don't know if he wants to risk his friendship with her, and he certainly shouldn't explicitly start crying about her, to her, during vacation, but I think that environment could be conducive towards something changing, because it's a new context. They'll have plenty of alone time together... opportunities to have more heart-to-heart conversations and maybe have new realizations about each other.
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On December 09 2015 22:26 herokiller_ wrote:
Another example, recently she told me she's going on a journey to europe, and invited me to go with her (just the two of us)
If I do rationalize our relationships, it would definitely be awkward to go on such a trip (for me, not for her it seems).
What is she thinking, really?
Go along with the trip, act natural and let things happen. If after such a possibly-romantic expedition you guys still haven't taken it to the next step then you can consider dropping it.
Also, her saying there's "no spark" doesn't necessarily mean much. Some people (likely conditioned by tv shows and pop culture) tend to believe relationships should be an everburning forest fire with constant passion and surprise. It's nothing like that, more of a gentle flame that, granted, sometimes turns to mere warm ashes but never truly dies off - not my best metaphor.
Simply put : I'd argue true love is finding someone you're comfortable being "bored" with.
You've known her for almost a decade, she probably considers you as someone very trustworthy and feels safe with you, that's a HUGE plus. Don't need to show her you're bf-material, she'll realize it eventually.
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It's a terrible fucking idea to go on an expensive, multi-day trip with someone you are crushing on who has explicitly said that you are in the friendzone.
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On December 10 2015 11:18 IgnE wrote:
It's a terrible fucking idea to go on an expensive, multi-day trip with someone you are crushing on who has explicitly said that you are in the friendzone.
Worst case scenario, Europe is still a nice place to visit :p
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On December 10 2015 11:18 IgnE wrote:
It's a terrible fucking idea to go on an expensive, multi-day trip with someone you are crushing on who has explicitly said that you are in the friendzone.
I'd like to affirm this, in my opinion this is a terrible idea. If shes said multiple times that she only considers you a friend then the odds of the trip being ruined/ending in awkwardness are very high.
I guess you'd have to weigh the odds, lets say theres a 1/10 chance she corroborates your feelings, is that 10% chance worth the 90% of rejection and all that entails as far as potentially ruining a friendship?
If you go on this trip with her you should really make sure you're doing it as a friend instead of as a suitor.
*numbers purely arbitrary for example's sake*
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Hey, Recently single after 3 year LTR- I am back to hustling in chicago. Thought i should try and keep a field report going. Critique / Wing man welcome.
I work mostly during the week. mon-thurs mid afternoon is ideal. I generally spend my time walking around Chicago's downtown area. I frequent coffee shops / stores / anything I pass walking from place to place. I brush teeth, wear a nice suit coat- have hair immaculately done, and apply a small amount of cologne before going out.
Day 1:
- Approach HB7 waiting for subway. Use typical line "Good afternoon- my name is Ryan. I had to introduce myself, because I think that you are cute. I would like to get drinks- maybe coffee sometime with you. You should give me your number. It worked really well. Girl lit up like a christmas tree- big smile and blush. She thanked me, but said she had a BF. Next!
- Approach HB7 in coffee shop. Sit down across from her and give standard line (read above). Girl smiles, but again has a BF. Next!
-Approach HB8 While walking in street. Get her to take headphones out. Use standard line. She smiles, and tells me wow- its really cool that you would ask someone that. Then she pulled off her mitten- and a ring was there. She said sorry, gave me a hug and we parted ways. Next!
Rough first day. I am not sure if I am handling everything as well as I could be. I don't think that trying to pursue anything with someone that straight up tells you they are in a relationship is a good idea. personally I take it as a sign of LI- and its not worth trying to pursue. Am i wrong?
Day 2
Before going out- I worked on my approach a bit more. It has been awhile since I have been out trying to pull. So i slowed down my my opening line. I was getting more comfortable after being out of the game so long- but i think that I have a ways to go.
- Approach HB7 In coffee shop. Use standard line (read above) get a nice smile, and while i am asking about Coffee / drinks- she actually says "I should give you my number" and pulls out her phone. The rest was easy. Will give her a call in 5 or so days. She is a college student studying for finals- so a nice coffee date should be a perfect distraction for her.
- Approach HB7 on street. I have never had any luck while trying to pull a girl walking down the street (yet i do it anyway). I at least got her to stop this time. But after my rap- she said sorry im not available. Next! (What am I missing for the street pull? I have such a hard time getting anything off the street. Its borderline impossible for me.) Next!
-Approach HB8 She doesn't stop walking, looks right at me and keeps going. Next!
- Approach HB7 in Coffee shop. Say line, and get a super positive response. She would have given me her number. However she was just visiting from out of town (lives in Ohio). I wasn't interested, and terminated the conversation. Next!
- Approach HB8 On street. Got her to stop, but again- after getting her name, throwing the rap she hits me with "I'm not available" and keeps walking. Next!
That is what I have so far fellas. Let me know if you see anything I can do to improve the hustle.
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On December 10 2015 12:11 Ramiel wrote:
That is what I have so far fellas. Let me know if you see anything I can do to improve the hustle.
Out of curiosity how old are you and the girls you're going after?
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On December 09 2015 22:26 herokiller_ wrote:
Another example, recently she told me she's going on a journey to europe, and invited me to go with her (just the two of us)
If I do rationalize our relationships, it would definitely be awkward to go on such a trip (for me, not for her it seems).
What is she thinking, really?
She is probably thinking that she feels comfortable and safe around you (given you've been friends for so long) rather than inviting a guy who might try and sleep with her. Also she probably would prefer to have some company rather than being a single female in a foreign country/countries without anyone she knows.
As for whether to go on the trip. It sounds like a pretty disastrous idea but I think it's fine to go as long as you are going for the trip and destination rather than with the hopes that you will be able to strike up a romance with the girl.
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EPT
