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We are extremely close to shutting down this thread for the same reasons the PUA thread was shut down. While some of the time this thread contains actual discussion with people asking help and people giving nice advice, it often gets derailed by rubbish that should not be here. The moderation team will be trying to steer this thread in a different direction from now on.
Posts of the following nature are banned:
1) ANYTHING regarding PUA. If your post contains the words 'alpha' or 'beta' or anything of that sort please don't hit post.
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4) One night stands and random sex. These are basically brags that invariably devolve into gender role discussions and misogynistic comments.
Last chance, guys. This thread is for dating advice and sharing dating stories. While gender roles, sociocultural norms, and our biological imperative to reproduce are all tangentially related, these subjects are not the main purpose of the thread. Please AVOID these discussions. If you want to discuss them at length, go to PMs or start a blog. If you disagree with someone's ideologies, state that you disagree with them and why they won't work from a dating standpoint and move on. We will not tolerate any lengthy derailments that aren't directly about dating. |
On December 04 2013 15:17 IgnE wrote:Show nested quote +On December 04 2013 15:07 rezoacken wrote:On December 04 2013 13:59 dravernor wrote:
Okay there have been some interesting responses to the long distance relationship question. The general trend, as was pointed out to me, was that a) there was a preexisting relationship before the distance, b) the couple needed to have a defined amount of time apart and c) don't do it because it doesn't work.
My experience: my best friend dated a girl from another school while we were both boarding. He saw her once every four weeks and during holidays. Straight after school they both moved to different countries for uni and basically saw each other once or twice a year. They somehow managed to keep their relationship together for six years in this manner before moving in with each other last year. So it is definitely doable.
Next part of question: how about meeting someone online, from another country entirely, whom you will probably only meet in a year or two? Basically, how do you feel about long distance online dating? This goes against everything discussed above - no preexisting relationship (and so the couple isn't used to physical company, but have become accustomed to skype dates etc) and since there is no predefined amount of time before they meet, do you think it is possible? Logic tells me no; there are so many ways to be distracted by rl people, never having a solid plan to be together is pretty damaging to the point of a relationship in the long run, and can you ever truly know how compatible you are with said person until you have been in their physical presence?
So many cons. But if the feelings are there? Is it still silly? Long distance online dating blows and is probably one of the worst situation you can end up in, it's just usually a synonym of being pretty needy. Is it possible ? Yes, everything is possible. But it's definitely not advisable. Why ? Because it's usually a matter of one geeky guy desperately clinging onto a geeky girl (or a manipulator) he has never met because he has absolutely no real opportunity elsewhere. THIS is stupid. What if she ends up being a horrible person or smell bad or more likely once you got laid you start acknowledging that in fact you don't really like her after a few weeks ? Then, it's years wasted. Or what if she is just an entire other person than she is advertising like the Catfish movie. On December 04 2013 14:30 IgnE wrote:
It's impossible to know if you have real feelings without meeting the person in physical space. Online dating is stupid. No, generally speaking (not mmorpg dating), it really isn't stupid. Unless you're weird about it, it's a good way to meet people and I really advise it for very busy people. But yes obviously you gotta meet them first before talking about feelings. Between 2 to 5 e-mails is enough to start asking for a real date. You obviously don't want to date her by skype or whatever. He is talking about online dating, as in, only talking and interacting online; never meeting in real life. That is stupid. Meeting people online is a fine idea. Show nested quote +On December 04 2013 15:10 LongShot27 wrote:On December 04 2013 14:30 IgnE wrote:
It's impossible to know if you have real feelings without meeting the person in physical space. Online dating is stupid. It isn't stupid, it's tough, it requires a different way of looking at and thinking of things. It's very hard for some people to just go out and meet people. If two people find each other online then get together and it works whose to say their love isn't as legitimate as anyone else's? Me, I am to say it isn't legitimate. You are changing the story, anyway. Meeting people online and then meeting in person is not what he is talking about. He is talking about carrying on a farce of a "relationship" entirely online. If you want to have virtual romances you might as well go play some Japanese bishojo game.
I respectfully disagree
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Netherlands6191 Posts
By comparing online dating to a game you're effectively saying that one's feelings aren't legitimate. Is it still a 'farce' if they intend to meet one day?
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so i want advice. I've done the online dating thing for a few months since I finished school and really wanted to meet someone. I went out with a few girls, slept with a couple, but I wasn't really interested in committing to any of them. however, the website I was on matched me with a friend from work. how humorous, I thought, I'll send her an email. she didn't respond through the site, but we ended up talking more frequently. a week or two ago, she somehow got my number and began texting me, frequently. now, we work at a bar, and are both of drinking age, so all of our time together has been at said bar, since we both enjoy the alcohols. a few mutual friends have told me that she thinks i'm really nice but she doesn't know what she wants. should I try to progress things or continue to take it slow? on one hand, she obviously has some level of interest if she's going to look up my cell number, but if she's "unsure" about it and I consider her a friend, I don't want to make things weird. GAH FEMALES!!!
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On December 04 2013 15:59 LeeDawg wrote:
so i want advice. I've done the online dating thing for a few months since I finished school and really wanted to meet someone. I went out with a few girls, slept with a couple, but I wasn't really interested in committing to any of them. however, the website I was on matched me with a friend from work. how humorous, I thought, I'll send her an email. she didn't respond through the site, but we ended up talking more frequently. a week or two ago, she somehow got my number and began texting me, frequently. now, we work at a bar, and are both of drinking age, so all of our time together has been at said bar, since we both enjoy the alcohols. a few mutual friends have told me that she thinks i'm really nice but she doesn't know what she wants. should I try to progress things or continue to take it slow? on one hand, she obviously has some level of interest if she's going to look up my cell number, but if she's "unsure" about it and I consider her a friend, I don't want to make things weird. GAH FEMALES!!!
Ask her out. Not something to formal like dinner but not something casual that friends would do. Maybe drinks at a nice place with a slightly intimate setting. If she was interested enough to seek out your number she wants you... Her friends just don't want to expose her as girls like the chase. If anything she is worried about making things awkward at work if something happens between you two.
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On December 04 2013 15:59 dravernor wrote:
By comparing online dating to a game you're effectively saying that one's feelings aren't legitimate. Is it still a 'farce' if they intend to meet one day?
Haven't you people seen _Catfish_? Yes, it's a farce to have a romantic relationship with someone you don't meet.
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Out of topic but while the movie had a point, I thought it kinda sucked. Could have been shortened into a 30min footage.
Edit: Woot Dark Templar icon, time to go to bed.
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Movie totally sucks. Agreed.
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Netherlands6191 Posts
But you know, assuming there is only one avenue of text based communication and plenty reason to doubt the authenticity of the person, such as call dodging, etc
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any response to my previous post? since it got glossed over. but basically i worked with this girl extensively for 3-6 months on a project, but in a group setting with 4 other people. Basically its been a while since i seen her like 3 months at least and I doubt I will see her again unless I try to catch her at her job, which is kinda hard (she works at disneyland.) We definitely talked a lot but nothing in the romantic mood or flirty mood. Just as friends etc.
would it be fine just calling her out of the blue and asking to hang out etc? or would that be super weird and should I just try to catch her at her job?
some backstory: broke up with someone months ago 6 months to a year ago. So I am going back into the dating game. She has never dated in her life before.
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On December 04 2013 09:25 Stratos_speAr wrote:
At this point, you need to put yourself through some mental boot camp, stop being such a star-crossed hopeless lover type, and move on.
I'm one of those star-crossed hopeless lover types and I hate being one.
How do I stop being one? 
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On December 04 2013 17:07 Rupyness wrote:
any response to my previous post? since it got glossed over. but basically i worked with this girl extensively for 3-6 months on a project, but in a group setting with 4 other people. Basically its been a while since i seen her like 3 months at least and I doubt I will see her again unless I try to catch her at her job, which is kinda hard (she works at disneyland.) We definitely talked a lot but nothing in the romantic mood or flirty mood. Just as friends etc.
would it be fine just calling her out of the blue and asking to hang out etc? or would that be super weird and should I just try to catch her at her job?
some backstory: broke up with someone months ago 6 months to a year ago. So I am going back into the dating game. She has never dated in her life before.
It's kinda weird and can lead to nowhere due to the passive previous 3 months and the relationship being limited to your study group. But you can still give her a call if you think you bonded enough so that she'd accept at least to meet you.
But I wouldn't make big expectations out of it since it would require you to suddenly become flirtatious which in the end she might not be into you. You probably will have to take it slow the first time you meet her again.
She might even end up dodging you.
In a nutshell, give a call while still going after other options. If said call gives fruits, be casual the first time (still flirt a little), I'd even chose a short date in that case (coffee, drink, lunch...) just in order to kill the weirdness of you coming back.
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So this friend who I asked out and got a "maybe" from is super depressed. I really don't think she said it because she didn't want to hurt my feelings by saying no. She has a ton of schoolwork and personal stuff to stress about and I completely get that but the waiting is killing me. I'd like to just go up and pour my heart out to her but I know that won't go well. Is there anything you all would suggest to distract me. I've tried running, working out, school work but I just feel like I want to explode. Thanks in advance.
Move on. There are only two realistic scenarios here.
1) She doesn't like you and is just stringing you along.
2) She's not good enough at life to juggle school/stress and a relationship.
If it's either of these scenarios, you don't want to keep trying. It'll just be bad. With 1, you obviously just don't want to go down that road. With 2, unless someone in her family died or she is otherwise having some serious emotional problems, you don't want to bother with people that can't handle work/stress enough to date; these people tend to be unreliable. If she is having some serious emotional issues, then shame on you for dumping that on her as well. At this point, you need to put yourself through some mental boot camp, stop being such a star-crossed hopeless lover type, and move on.
That's a very harsh view. I think I'll just try to be a good friend and put myself out there for her. Hopefully she'll take it. If not I'll have to deal with it but at least I'll have given it a good shot :D
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I know a guy who met a girl online. He's Spanish (actually Catalan so don't let him know I said this), she's Peruvian. They fell in love online, and after a while he went there on holiday to meet. After a bit of back and forth she moved to Spain and they got married.
So it can work. The story eventually ends unhappily in divorce, but so do many marriages, so that doesn't really seem to count against this.
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On December 04 2013 23:22 Acrofales wrote:
I know a guy who met a girl online. He's Spanish (actually Catalan so don't let him know I said this), she's Peruvian. They fell in love online, and after a while he went there on holiday to meet. After a bit of back and forth she moved to Spain and they got married.
So it can work. The story eventually ends unhappily in divorce, but so do many marriages, so that doesn't really seem to count against this.
I met my current girlfriend online - OKCupid, which isn't the same as the other e-dating things, but it's working really well.
When I meet girls on my own, I usually end up dating "bad girl" types - tatted up petite hipsters or party girls. Obviously none of them have really ended well, since I'm still dating, and I finally got to date a nerdy girl.
Gentlemen, it is freaking awesome. The first clue I had was in our roughly third week of dating I called her up on a Friday and asked if she wanted to go downtown. She said yes, but I could tell her heart wasn't in it. After bugging her for a bit, she finally admitted "Actually, I'd rather just get a bottle of wine and play video games if that's ok". How awesome is that!? We drank and played Smite all night, it was wonderful. She's learning SC2 now, it's awesome.
Meeting people online is dope, would recommend.
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On December 04 2013 17:07 Rupyness wrote:
any response to my previous post? since it got glossed over. but basically i worked with this girl extensively for 3-6 months on a project, but in a group setting with 4 other people. Basically its been a while since i seen her like 3 months at least and I doubt I will see her again unless I try to catch her at her job, which is kinda hard (she works at disneyland.) We definitely talked a lot but nothing in the romantic mood or flirty mood. Just as friends etc.
would it be fine just calling her out of the blue and asking to hang out etc? or would that be super weird and should I just try to catch her at her job?
some backstory: broke up with someone months ago 6 months to a year ago. So I am going back into the dating game. She has never dated in her life before.
My friend has a similar story. He was in class with this one girl in the fall semester but she transfered for the spring semester and they texted a bit at first but fell off pretty quick. A few months later in the summer I encouraged him to text her again, and beyond the initial 'who is this' (I guess she got a new phone or smth) she was glad he texted and they started a pretty casual relationship since they knew it'd be over at the end of the summer
Long story just to say that you don't really have anything to lose by texting or calling her. Chances are good that if she liked you before, she would be glad you contacted her. You could wait for some random time you two run into eachother (unlikely) but I wouldn't go into her work, that seems pretty over the top for how little it sounds like you've been together.
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On December 04 2013 23:31 Crownlol wrote:Show nested quote +On December 04 2013 23:22 Acrofales wrote:
I know a guy who met a girl online. He's Spanish (actually Catalan so don't let him know I said this), she's Peruvian. They fell in love online, and after a while he went there on holiday to meet. After a bit of back and forth she moved to Spain and they got married.
So it can work. The story eventually ends unhappily in divorce, but so do many marriages, so that doesn't really seem to count against this. I met my current girlfriend online - OKCupid, which isn't the same as the other e-dating things, but it's working really well Why is it different than any other?
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okc tends to skew younger than other sites, and you can def find plenty of people who just want to casually date. a lot of others have pay walls, and stuff like pof, match, etc are filled with people who are looking for a relationship, which generally tends to mean theyre gonna rush and cling to the first person with a pulse they find
i never did it until last year, but online dating is pretty cool, and everyyyyone does it. i found out that most of my friends did it after i joined haha. and there are cool, attractive people doing it too.
also, as far as the other online dating, meeting people in WoW or whatever, that is silly. dont date people you cant physically meet.
On December 04 2013 15:59 LeeDawg wrote:
so i want advice. I've done the online dating thing for a few months since I finished school and really wanted to meet someone. I went out with a few girls, slept with a couple, but I wasn't really interested in committing to any of them. however, the website I was on matched me with a friend from work. how humorous, I thought, I'll send her an email. she didn't respond through the site, but we ended up talking more frequently. a week or two ago, she somehow got my number and began texting me, frequently. now, we work at a bar, and are both of drinking age, so all of our time together has been at said bar, since we both enjoy the alcohols. a few mutual friends have told me that she thinks i'm really nice but she doesn't know what she wants. should I try to progress things or continue to take it slow? on one hand, she obviously has some level of interest if she's going to look up my cell number, but if she's "unsure" about it and I consider her a friend, I don't want to make things weird. GAH FEMALES!!!
Man up and ask her to go out somwhere. Preferably not another bar. She doesn't know because you've not done anything yet.
On December 04 2013 17:07 Rupyness wrote:
any response to my previous post? since it got glossed over. but basically i worked with this girl extensively for 3-6 months on a project, but in a group setting with 4 other people. Basically its been a while since i seen her like 3 months at least and I doubt I will see her again unless I try to catch her at her job, which is kinda hard (she works at disneyland.) We definitely talked a lot but nothing in the romantic mood or flirty mood. Just as friends etc.
would it be fine just calling her out of the blue and asking to hang out etc? or would that be super weird and should I just try to catch her at her job?
some backstory: broke up with someone months ago 6 months to a year ago. So I am going back into the dating game. She has never dated in her life before.
I'd probably just shoot her a text. But unless she's 18 or under, I wouldn't waste the time dating someone who has never dated before.
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On December 04 2013 17:26 TOCHMY wrote:Show nested quote +On December 04 2013 09:25 Stratos_speAr wrote:
At this point, you need to put yourself through some mental boot camp, stop being such a star-crossed hopeless lover type, and move on.
I'm one of those star-crossed hopeless lover types and I hate being one. How do I stop being one?
its your life not theirs. if your friends are telling you no, maybe you should put in a little thought as to why but none the less they should support you in the end if they really ARE your friends.
if random people are telling you to not love this person, then f*** them; dont listen to them. Human beings are selfish creatures by nature, we think of ourselves first even when we are thinking of others.
also i would change your dating style (dont know what i should call this), you are too concerned at the people and not what is between you and your partner. if you care for this person then be with them, if you cant change that then i would move on and find someone else...
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Netherlands6191 Posts
The worst part of long distance dating is the lack of massages given T_T
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On December 05 2013 02:07 azngamer828 wrote:Show nested quote +On December 04 2013 17:26 TOCHMY wrote:On December 04 2013 09:25 Stratos_speAr wrote:
At this point, you need to put yourself through some mental boot camp, stop being such a star-crossed hopeless lover type, and move on.
I'm one of those star-crossed hopeless lover types and I hate being one. How do I stop being one? its your life not theirs. if your friends are telling you no, maybe you should put in a little thought as to why but none the less they should support you in the end if they really ARE your friends. if random people are telling you to not love this person, then f*** them; dont listen to them. Human beings are selfish creatures by nature, we think of ourselves first even when we are thinking of others. also i would change your dating style (dont know what i should call this), you are too concerned at the people and not what is between you and your partner. if you care for this person then be with them, if you cant change that then i would move on and find someone else...
doing what makes you happy is important but I dont see what that answers here?
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