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So a friend of mine got a new girlfriend (yay !) However, he celebrated by getting drunk and making out with another girl... One week later he ends up kissing the same girl again - we'll call her... Francine. Asks me if I want to come visit the bar at his university - mostly to keep her away/keep him from doing stupid shit, when he's drunk. I end up talking to her. She's nice. We add eachother on facebook and I get her number. We text furiously (3000+ texts in ~2months). Start to meet up when we're drunk (nothing happens - strictly friendly). Starts to hang out sober aswell. Two weeks ago she invites me to a party, where we end up kissing --> take a taxi to my place --> agree we're too drunk for sex to even make sence, but do all sort of weird shit instead. Fast forward one weekend, I'm at another party right next to her - with the friend I mentioned at the very start. I tell her I'm sleeping at her place (confidence is my bitch, son!), but she's already on her way to bed. I tell her to join the party then - really want to see her. She shows up. We dance and I try to kiss her again. She tells me "not tonight, please don't take it personally"... So ofc I take it personally... Drunk dial her at 5am - "What's wrong with you? Why would you say no?"... She tells me, she's not sure about us. Last weekend ment a lot and we're most definately not JUST friends anymore. But if we're anymore, we shouldn't rush anything.
So... I give her time... Thursday (5 days later), I'm at a party. Some girl from my class is seriously hitting on me. I go drunk text Francise about our situation - 'cuz if we're not going to be a thing, I'd might aswell screw the girl at the party. Francine gets upset. We're not talking for 2 days. So I end up texting her, we go out - everything seems cool. We talk about the situation and she's still all "we COULD become a thing, but let's give it time".
She's funny, she's intelligent, she's beautiful - and what is somewhat scary: She's suffering from depression - which I am too. I've been in a relationship 7+years with a girl, who never understood how I felt.
I feel like a shit friend towards my man, who introduced me to her in order to "keep her away" from him... And next thing you know, I want to date her. She's indecisive and is taking forever to make up her mind. She's dropping small hints, but I'm too afraid to make a move on it.
So apparently we have the potential to become "a thing". And I'd like that... But I'm afraid she's just stalling to tell me 'no' in the end anyway? This weekend I'm going to two different parties. One with the girl from my own university, who hit aggresively on me earlier - and another party with a girl, that I've been with every single time, we've been drunk together. I feel like an idiot if I say no to those girls - just for Francine to potentially tell me 'no' later?
If you want to have something with Mrs Francine you need to punch through her wall of bullshit.
"We *could* become a thing, but let's give it time" is complete bullshit. She knows it's bullshit. But she also thinks it's her best possible option, especially since you don't seem to know it's bullshit.
Why is it bullshit? She knows she's into you. She knows you're into her. You know the same things the other way around. Like every single person on this planet she's afraid. Maybe, just mabye, she's a little more afraid than your average gal because of her history. Now, for you the why and how are completely irrelevant. Maybe you'll figure it out eventually or she'll tell you, maybe not.
What it means right now is that you need to recognize what's going on: She's afraid of potentially giving you (emotional) control over the situation if she just straight up says "yes".
Frame/Mindset: You know you're into each other. You understand that she's afraid of committing to something she might regret in the future and you believe life is too short to chase "maybes". That's the kind of attitude you need in dealing with her. Basically assume that the only reasons for her hesitation have nothing to do with you or what's going on between you. It's actually not personal.
Worst possible case: Honest bomb (among the lines "I understand you're afraid of taking this any further because you might get hurt and I'm afraid that you being afraid might hurt me if I stick around too long." aka "look babe, we're all scared let's be scared together"). Pretty sure you'll see if it clicks with her, if it does escalate as usual.
DON'T: Keep the current "uh I'm not so sure" up. While you want the ball of defining your relationship in her court (good) you want the question of having one in the first place in yours. To put it bluntly it's your job to make sure you're into each other and it's her job to define where exactly that's gonna lead. Do your job a bit better and then it's her turn.
Keep in mind that the recommendations above are deep, deep rapport building. What this means in practice is that you need to make sure that there's enough sexual attraction between you two to pull those kind of cards. I'm only recommending this in the first place because that department looks alright. Kind of. Actual sex and/or make-outs before this kind of thing would be beneficial but welp, what can you do.
PS: Stop drinking so much. Talk to your buddy about whether she's up for grabs if you value his friendship. Figure out a way to meet with her at a place where you can escalate physically before starting anything with new girls. If she leaves you unsure and that leads to you screwing with other girls it must mean that her being cautious was the correct behavior since apparently you weren't into her in the first place. That this very behavior is making you want to screw other girls isn't a possibility she has genuinely considered.
PPS: If this results in an actual relationship you guys both will need lots of work. Big topic would be "Power dynamics in relationships", I'm pretty sure that you'll both try and find ways to unconsciously screw each other. =P
Woah thanks What a well-written reply!... I'm not sure about her bullshit. You're most likely right, but punching through her wall might just scare her. If I actually go up to her and say "I like you. You like me. Let's give it a chance!", I wouldn't expect her to deny anything. I'd expect her to push me away... The whole "less is more" thing is really true with this one. I think the harder I try the less it works on her.
We've agreed to see eachother saturday. Haven't agreed on where or what... I consider inviting her to my place. I have a projector for a cinema-experience in my living room... Then with some wine and maybe some massage, I could imagine things could take off... Doesn't it sound too clichée though?? (Plus, I'm having a party in my appartment friday - and with my depression I've no way of knowing if I can manage to clean up before she'd come saturday).
And I think you're right about her acting cautious. And she most likely doesn't realize what it triggers in me. Actually saying no to other attractive girls isn't exactly fun (nor worth it) if this doesn't pay off. But I can't tell her to stop being so cautious... Again, that would just push her away.
On November 28 2013 03:37 raga4ka wrote: Might as well post here , because i am as clueless as ever ...
There is a colleague girl i really like since 2 years ago . Back then i asked her out and made my intentions clear that i like her , but she had a serious relationship with her boyfriend for 2 years already that i didn't know about . She told me after we went out on facebook . So i said to myself that i had no place meddling in her relationship when she is happy . I just maintained a friendly relationship and chat with her from time to time on facebook and when we were at the medical university ( we study pharmacy - last year right now ) .
It's all fine and dandy i got over her or so i thought and started going out with other women on dates ... But at this last medical party at the local disco , where she was there with a lot of our colleagues 2 weeks from now , friends colleagues from my group told me that she broke with her boyfriend this summer . Back then i was borderline wasted will alcohol ( rakia and whisky does that to you) , but i got sober fast after i assimilated the information and started flirting with her , got her on the dancing floor with me and after that gave her a red rose which some women there was selling . She is now taunting me with a picture of her and the rose i gave her as her profile picture in facebook .
After the disco i couldn't sleep or eat properly for several days thinking about her , so first i went to a close friend of mine and hers and comfirmed that she did in fact after 4 years break her relationship with her boyfriend this summer . After that i asked her out 2 times and she seems willing to go out with me, but she can't find the time because of heavy commitment in both the university and work in a pharmacy store . I study and work a lot too , but obviously am willing to free my time for her .
So my question is should i push for something to happen sooner rather then later when we go out , or should i not rush so fast and wait for better trust between us to develop , although on surface we know each other rather well at this point ?
I've never had an actual relationship with a girl so this things are puzzling to me . I am your typical "nice" guy that respects women and compliments them when i find the opportunity , rather then the "bad" boy type that shows less respect and and probably lies at first ( dun know how it works) to get the girl to fall for him .
Anyway she is similar to me in character , but to the extreme : I wouldn't call her shy but rather a modest girl , which is hard working and also pretty . On paper our religion differ i am christian and she is a muslim (I think it's only our traditions and holidays that differ) , both bulgarians . I don't mind our religion differentials obviously , but it does make it rather difficult in how i approach her . She doesn't smoke , drink alcohol and i think she doesn't eat pork as well . And thats about all i know about her , other then where she is from , some small taste preference in music and films she told me she likes to watch . She is not the type which has an active night life even though she goes out with friends from time to time in a club or disco .
Does she like me ? I have no idea ... She always seems sweet when i talk with her , but never actually writes me on facebook ( she rarely visits it because of work and school) , or starts talking to me in real life . She does seem willing to go out with me and i'll try my best to make something happen .
Any advice on this walls of text i just wrote ?
Man up and go for it. That's what I did. If you get burned oh well. If you don't then good on you. Do it man. Do it.
Well it's not that i am hesitating or anything , it's just thoughts that cross my mind in this grueling times when we are in "no man's land" still negotiating to go out . Well a lot of questions will be answered on the 8th of december when we are on holiday together anyway , but i want to go out with her at least once before that ...
On November 28 2013 03:37 raga4ka wrote: Might as well post here , because i am as clueless as ever ...
There is a colleague girl i really like since 2 years ago . Back then i asked her out and made my intentions clear that i like her , but she had a serious relationship with her boyfriend for 2 years already that i didn't know about . She told me after we went out on facebook . So i said to myself that i had no place meddling in her relationship when she is happy . I just maintained a friendly relationship and chat with her from time to time on facebook and when we were at the medical university ( we study pharmacy - last year right now ) .
It's all fine and dandy i got over her or so i thought and started going out with other women on dates ... But at this last medical party at the local disco , where she was there with a lot of our colleagues 2 weeks from now , friends colleagues from my group told me that she broke with her boyfriend this summer . Back then i was borderline wasted will alcohol ( rakia and whisky does that to you) , but i got sober fast after i assimilated the information and started flirting with her , got her on the dancing floor with me and after that gave her a red rose which some women there was selling . She is now taunting me with a picture of her and the rose i gave her as her profile picture in facebook .
After the disco i couldn't sleep or eat properly for several days thinking about her , so first i went to a close friend of mine and hers and comfirmed that she did in fact after 4 years break her relationship with her boyfriend this summer . After that i asked her out 2 times and she seems willing to go out with me, but she can't find the time because of heavy commitment in both the university and work in a pharmacy store . I study and work a lot too , but obviously am willing to free my time for her .
So my question is should i push for something to happen sooner rather then later when we go out , or should i not rush so fast and wait for better trust between us to develop , although on surface we know each other rather well at this point ?
I've never had an actual relationship with a girl so this things are puzzling to me . I am your typical "nice" guy that respects women and compliments them when i find the opportunity , rather then the "bad" boy type that shows less respect and and probably lies at first ( dun know how it works) to get the girl to fall for him .
Anyway she is similar to me in character , but to the extreme : I wouldn't call her shy but rather a modest girl , which is hard working and also pretty . On paper our religion differ i am christian and she is a muslim (I think it's only our traditions and holidays that differ) , both bulgarians . I don't mind our religion differentials obviously , but it does make it rather difficult in how i approach her . She doesn't smoke , drink alcohol and i think she doesn't eat pork as well . And thats about all i know about her , other then where she is from , some small taste preference in music and films she told me she likes to watch . She is not the type which has an active night life even though she goes out with friends from time to time in a club or disco .
Does she like me ? I have no idea ... She always seems sweet when i talk with her , but never actually writes me on facebook ( she rarely visits it because of work and school) , or starts talking to me in real life . She does seem willing to go out with me and i'll try my best to make something happen .
Any advice on this walls of text i just wrote ?
Man up and go for it. That's what I did. If you get burned oh well. If you don't then good on you. Do it man. Do it.
Well it's not that i am hesitating or anything , it's just thoughts that cross my mind in this grueling times when we are in "no man's land" still negotiating to go out . Well a lot of questions will be answered on the 8th of december when we are on holiday together anyway , but i want to go out with her at least once before that ...
So tell her that
What exactly should i tell her that i still like her a lot ? I already told her that 2 years ago and acted like an in love idiot a week ago in the disco so she pretty much knows it , the only thing left is to confront her face to face and see what happens . Waiting for the date anyway , it's not something i could tell her on the phone or on facebook it seems cowardly as hell . Also i could go to her after she finishes work , but doesn't that seem desperate (not that i am not , but still) ...
"So do you still wanna go out sometime?". she says "I duno" or something like that. Tell her that you'd like to take her out, tell her it doesn't have to be anything overly serious but that ya like her and wanna get to know her better. If she says no to that then she isn't worth it
On November 28 2013 05:15 LongShot27 wrote: "So do you still wanna go out sometime?". she says "I duno" or something like that. Tell her that you'd like to take her out, tell her it doesn't have to be anything overly serious but that ya like her and wanna get to know her better. If she says no to that then she isn't worth it
You are probably right , though i would still think she is worth it . I am gonna ask her out maybe tomorrow or today on facebook , and negotiate something easy going cafe or a some kind of a club . But i don't think i should tell her on the phone that i still like her , why not on the date in person ? I don't think she is the type of girl that would be making stuff up so we can avoid going out , she really is quite busy .
On November 28 2013 05:15 LongShot27 wrote: "So do you still wanna go out sometime?". she says "I duno" or something like that. Tell her that you'd like to take her out, tell her it doesn't have to be anything overly serious but that ya like her and wanna get to know her better. If she says no to that then she isn't worth it
You are probably right , though i would still think she is worth it . I am gonna ask her out maybe tomorrow or today on facebook , and negotiate something easy going cafe or a some kind of a club . But i don't think i should tell her on the phone that i still like her , why not on the date in person ? I don't think she is not the type of girl that would be making stuff up so we can avoid going out , she really is quite busy .
Trust me on this one I felt the dame way as you did a few days ago. Just go up, say it and see what happens. If she says something like "well maybe in so many days" hold her to it. I got the "im going through alot of stuff right now" response so I said "alright we'll talk about it next week". Set a time for it. If you just keep letting it go by that's all that's ever gonna happen.
So a friend of mine got a new girlfriend (yay !) However, he celebrated by getting drunk and making out with another girl... One week later he ends up kissing the same girl again - we'll call her... Francine. Asks me if I want to come visit the bar at his university - mostly to keep her away/keep him from doing stupid shit, when he's drunk. I end up talking to her. She's nice. We add eachother on facebook and I get her number. We text furiously (3000+ texts in ~2months). Start to meet up when we're drunk (nothing happens - strictly friendly). Starts to hang out sober aswell. Two weeks ago she invites me to a party, where we end up kissing --> take a taxi to my place --> agree we're too drunk for sex to even make sence, but do all sort of weird shit instead. Fast forward one weekend, I'm at another party right next to her - with the friend I mentioned at the very start. I tell her I'm sleeping at her place (confidence is my bitch, son!), but she's already on her way to bed. I tell her to join the party then - really want to see her. She shows up. We dance and I try to kiss her again. She tells me "not tonight, please don't take it personally"... So ofc I take it personally... Drunk dial her at 5am - "What's wrong with you? Why would you say no?"... She tells me, she's not sure about us. Last weekend ment a lot and we're most definately not JUST friends anymore. But if we're anymore, we shouldn't rush anything.
So... I give her time... Thursday (5 days later), I'm at a party. Some girl from my class is seriously hitting on me. I go drunk text Francise about our situation - 'cuz if we're not going to be a thing, I'd might aswell screw the girl at the party. Francine gets upset. We're not talking for 2 days. So I end up texting her, we go out - everything seems cool. We talk about the situation and she's still all "we COULD become a thing, but let's give it time".
She's funny, she's intelligent, she's beautiful - and what is somewhat scary: She's suffering from depression - which I am too. I've been in a relationship 7+years with a girl, who never understood how I felt.
I feel like a shit friend towards my man, who introduced me to her in order to "keep her away" from him... And next thing you know, I want to date her. She's indecisive and is taking forever to make up her mind. She's dropping small hints, but I'm too afraid to make a move on it.
So apparently we have the potential to become "a thing". And I'd like that... But I'm afraid she's just stalling to tell me 'no' in the end anyway? This weekend I'm going to two different parties. One with the girl from my own university, who hit aggresively on me earlier - and another party with a girl, that I've been with every single time, we've been drunk together. I feel like an idiot if I say no to those girls - just for Francine to potentially tell me 'no' later?
If you want to have something with Mrs Francine you need to punch through her wall of bullshit.
"We *could* become a thing, but let's give it time" is complete bullshit. She knows it's bullshit. But she also thinks it's her best possible option, especially since you don't seem to know it's bullshit.
Why is it bullshit? She knows she's into you. She knows you're into her. You know the same things the other way around. Like every single person on this planet she's afraid. Maybe, just mabye, she's a little more afraid than your average gal because of her history. Now, for you the why and how are completely irrelevant. Maybe you'll figure it out eventually or she'll tell you, maybe not.
What it means right now is that you need to recognize what's going on: She's afraid of potentially giving you (emotional) control over the situation if she just straight up says "yes".
Frame/Mindset: You know you're into each other. You understand that she's afraid of committing to something she might regret in the future and you believe life is too short to chase "maybes". That's the kind of attitude you need in dealing with her. Basically assume that the only reasons for her hesitation have nothing to do with you or what's going on between you. It's actually not personal.
Worst possible case: Honest bomb (among the lines "I understand you're afraid of taking this any further because you might get hurt and I'm afraid that you being afraid might hurt me if I stick around too long." aka "look babe, we're all scared let's be scared together"). Pretty sure you'll see if it clicks with her, if it does escalate as usual.
DON'T: Keep the current "uh I'm not so sure" up. While you want the ball of defining your relationship in her court (good) you want the question of having one in the first place in yours. To put it bluntly it's your job to make sure you're into each other and it's her job to define where exactly that's gonna lead. Do your job a bit better and then it's her turn.
Keep in mind that the recommendations above are deep, deep rapport building. What this means in practice is that you need to make sure that there's enough sexual attraction between you two to pull those kind of cards. I'm only recommending this in the first place because that department looks alright. Kind of. Actual sex and/or make-outs before this kind of thing would be beneficial but welp, what can you do.
PS: Stop drinking so much. Talk to your buddy about whether she's up for grabs if you value his friendship. Figure out a way to meet with her at a place where you can escalate physically before starting anything with new girls. If she leaves you unsure and that leads to you screwing with other girls it must mean that her being cautious was the correct behavior since apparently you weren't into her in the first place. That this very behavior is making you want to screw other girls isn't a possibility she has genuinely considered.
PPS: If this results in an actual relationship you guys both will need lots of work. Big topic would be "Power dynamics in relationships", I'm pretty sure that you'll both try and find ways to unconsciously screw each other. =P
Woah thanks What a well-written reply!... I'm not sure about her bullshit. You're most likely right, but punching through her wall might just scare her. If I actually go up to her and say "I like you. You like me. Let's give it a chance!", I wouldn't expect her to deny anything. I'd expect her to push me away... The whole "less is more" thing is really true with this one. I think the harder I try the less it works on her.
We've agreed to see eachother saturday. Haven't agreed on where or what... I consider inviting her to my place. I have a projector for a cinema-experience in my living room... Then with some wine and maybe some massage, I could imagine things could take off... Doesn't it sound too clichée though?? (Plus, I'm having a party in my appartment friday - and with my depression I've no way of knowing if I can manage to clean up before she'd come saturday).
And I think you're right about her acting cautious. And she most likely doesn't realize what it triggers in me. Actually saying no to other attractive girls isn't exactly fun (nor worth it) if this doesn't pay off. But I can't tell her to stop being so cautious... Again, that would just push her away.
I really don't know what to do now
My take on it is that you were friendzoned a long time ago. She likes your friend still. You both got drunk at a party and she was just like fuck it, let's do it, somewhat out of spite against your friend. Now she regrets doing that because it may have harmed her chances with your friend. Her leading you on is just her way of keeping you around until she gets a definitive no from your friend.
3 years ago, I attempted to amicably end a 9 year relationship.
So basically it all ended with the conversation of "I don't think that I'm in love with you anymore". This was only shortly before I was due to go away for work at the time so I said we will sort all the belongings and monies and things when I get back. So basically I just wanted to make things easy on both of us just pay the rent, food and bills with our joint money.
I went over for work to a mine site just outside of Mt. Isa in Queensland, Australia. On these sites you dont have to pay for anything, its all provided. We spoke a few times while I was away and everything appeared to be as good as it could be between us. Biggest misjudgment that I have ever made.
I was flying home through Sydney and decided to stay two nights to visit some long forgotten friends however when I got to the hotel it was all "sorry sir you CC has been declined". Immediately I log on to my bank to discover that I have indeed been shafted. $4k run up on the CC and no savings left whatsoever which was just creeping into the 5 figure territory. I couldn't believe it. So I just couch surfed a few nights in Sydney while seeing friends and explaining what had happened.
Anyhow I ended up catching my flight back to Perth and walked in the front door gobsmacked me. Nothing there... just and empty shell no furniture.... not even a knife and fork and a plate. Just nothing. I cried like a baby for about 2 hours before finally literally running to my mothers house.
Never heard from her again, don't know where she went or how she is getting on. I never pursued legal action because I just didn't think it was worth it.
On November 28 2013 11:11 GibberMD wrote: Signed up just to post here.
3 years ago, I attempted to amicably end a 9 year relationship.
So basically it all ended with the conversation of "I don't think that I'm in love with you anymore". This was only shortly before I was due to go away for work at the time so I said we will sort all the belongings and monies and things when I get back. So basically I just wanted to make things easy on both of us just pay the rent, food and bills with our joint money.
I went over for work to a mine site just outside of Mt. Isa in Queensland, Australia. On these sites you dont have to pay for anything, its all provided. We spoke a few times while I was away and everything appeared to be as good as it could be between us. Biggest misjudgment that I have ever made.
I was flying home through Sydney and decided to stay two nights to visit some long forgotten friends however when I got to the hotel it was all "sorry sir you CC has been declined". Immediately I log on to my bank to discover that I have indeed been shafted. $4k run up on the CC and no savings left whatsoever which was just creeping into the 5 figure territory. I couldn't believe it. So I just couch surfed a few nights in Sydney while seeing friends and explaining what had happened.
Anyhow I ended up catching my flight back to Perth and walked in the front door gobsmacked me. Nothing there... just and empty shell no furniture.... not even a knife and fork and a plate. Just nothing. I cried like a baby for about 2 hours before finally literally running to my mothers house.
Never heard from her again, don't know where she went or how she is getting on. I never pursued legal action because I just didn't think it was worth it.
Almost 5 figures of credit card debt and took everything you owned and you didn't pursue legal action? I'm more inclined to believe you are lying about the whole incident than to believe someone would just let someone get away with that.
I studied for 3 years at uni while in that relationship, and only worked a part time job. She was working fulltime for along time and payed for probably more than half of my tuition as i didn't want to HEX (basically student loan in Australia) it. Not to mention all the other costs that she incurred while I was studying
That's pretty much why i never took legal action because to be honest, I wouldn't have gotten a lot anyhow.
On November 28 2013 11:22 GibberMD wrote: Well, its a little more than just that.
I studied for 3 years at uni while in that relationship, and only worked a part time job. She was working fulltime for along time and payed for probably more than half of my tuition as i didn't want to HEX (basically student loan in Australia) it. Not to mention all the other costs that she incurred while I was studying
That's pretty much why i never took legal action because to be honest, I wouldn't have gotten a lot anyhow.
Wait wait wait, a girl stayed with you for 9 years, payed for part of your college, and you weren't in love with her anymore? The fuck happened?
So a friend of mine got a new girlfriend (yay !) However, he celebrated by getting drunk and making out with another girl... One week later he ends up kissing the same girl again - we'll call her... Francine. Asks me if I want to come visit the bar at his university - mostly to keep her away/keep him from doing stupid shit, when he's drunk. I end up talking to her. She's nice. We add eachother on facebook and I get her number. We text furiously (3000+ texts in ~2months). Start to meet up when we're drunk (nothing happens - strictly friendly). Starts to hang out sober aswell. Two weeks ago she invites me to a party, where we end up kissing --> take a taxi to my place --> agree we're too drunk for sex to even make sence, but do all sort of weird shit instead. Fast forward one weekend, I'm at another party right next to her - with the friend I mentioned at the very start. I tell her I'm sleeping at her place (confidence is my bitch, son!), but she's already on her way to bed. I tell her to join the party then - really want to see her. She shows up. We dance and I try to kiss her again. She tells me "not tonight, please don't take it personally"... So ofc I take it personally... Drunk dial her at 5am - "What's wrong with you? Why would you say no?"... She tells me, she's not sure about us. Last weekend ment a lot and we're most definately not JUST friends anymore. But if we're anymore, we shouldn't rush anything.
So... I give her time... Thursday (5 days later), I'm at a party. Some girl from my class is seriously hitting on me. I go drunk text Francise about our situation - 'cuz if we're not going to be a thing, I'd might aswell screw the girl at the party. Francine gets upset. We're not talking for 2 days. So I end up texting her, we go out - everything seems cool. We talk about the situation and she's still all "we COULD become a thing, but let's give it time".
She's funny, she's intelligent, she's beautiful - and what is somewhat scary: She's suffering from depression - which I am too. I've been in a relationship 7+years with a girl, who never understood how I felt.
I feel like a shit friend towards my man, who introduced me to her in order to "keep her away" from him... And next thing you know, I want to date her. She's indecisive and is taking forever to make up her mind. She's dropping small hints, but I'm too afraid to make a move on it.
So apparently we have the potential to become "a thing". And I'd like that... But I'm afraid she's just stalling to tell me 'no' in the end anyway? This weekend I'm going to two different parties. One with the girl from my own university, who hit aggresively on me earlier - and another party with a girl, that I've been with every single time, we've been drunk together. I feel like an idiot if I say no to those girls - just for Francine to potentially tell me 'no' later?
If you want to have something with Mrs Francine you need to punch through her wall of bullshit.
"We *could* become a thing, but let's give it time" is complete bullshit. She knows it's bullshit. But she also thinks it's her best possible option, especially since you don't seem to know it's bullshit.
Why is it bullshit? She knows she's into you. She knows you're into her. You know the same things the other way around. Like every single person on this planet she's afraid. Maybe, just mabye, she's a little more afraid than your average gal because of her history. Now, for you the why and how are completely irrelevant. Maybe you'll figure it out eventually or she'll tell you, maybe not.
What it means right now is that you need to recognize what's going on: She's afraid of potentially giving you (emotional) control over the situation if she just straight up says "yes".
Frame/Mindset: You know you're into each other. You understand that she's afraid of committing to something she might regret in the future and you believe life is too short to chase "maybes". That's the kind of attitude you need in dealing with her. Basically assume that the only reasons for her hesitation have nothing to do with you or what's going on between you. It's actually not personal.
Worst possible case: Honest bomb (among the lines "I understand you're afraid of taking this any further because you might get hurt and I'm afraid that you being afraid might hurt me if I stick around too long." aka "look babe, we're all scared let's be scared together"). Pretty sure you'll see if it clicks with her, if it does escalate as usual.
DON'T: Keep the current "uh I'm not so sure" up. While you want the ball of defining your relationship in her court (good) you want the question of having one in the first place in yours. To put it bluntly it's your job to make sure you're into each other and it's her job to define where exactly that's gonna lead. Do your job a bit better and then it's her turn.
Keep in mind that the recommendations above are deep, deep rapport building. What this means in practice is that you need to make sure that there's enough sexual attraction between you two to pull those kind of cards. I'm only recommending this in the first place because that department looks alright. Kind of. Actual sex and/or make-outs before this kind of thing would be beneficial but welp, what can you do.
PS: Stop drinking so much. Talk to your buddy about whether she's up for grabs if you value his friendship. Figure out a way to meet with her at a place where you can escalate physically before starting anything with new girls. If she leaves you unsure and that leads to you screwing with other girls it must mean that her being cautious was the correct behavior since apparently you weren't into her in the first place. That this very behavior is making you want to screw other girls isn't a possibility she has genuinely considered.
PPS: If this results in an actual relationship you guys both will need lots of work. Big topic would be "Power dynamics in relationships", I'm pretty sure that you'll both try and find ways to unconsciously screw each other. =P
Woah thanks What a well-written reply!... I'm not sure about her bullshit. You're most likely right, but punching through her wall might just scare her. If I actually go up to her and say "I like you. You like me. Let's give it a chance!", I wouldn't expect her to deny anything. I'd expect her to push me away... The whole "less is more" thing is really true with this one. I think the harder I try the less it works on her.
We've agreed to see eachother saturday. Haven't agreed on where or what... I consider inviting her to my place. I have a projector for a cinema-experience in my living room... Then with some wine and maybe some massage, I could imagine things could take off... Doesn't it sound too clichée though?? (Plus, I'm having a party in my appartment friday - and with my depression I've no way of knowing if I can manage to clean up before she'd come saturday).
And I think you're right about her acting cautious. And she most likely doesn't realize what it triggers in me. Actually saying no to other attractive girls isn't exactly fun (nor worth it) if this doesn't pay off. But I can't tell her to stop being so cautious... Again, that would just push her away.
I really don't know what to do now
My take on it is that you were friendzoned a long time ago. She likes your friend still. You both got drunk at a party and she was just like fuck it, let's do it, somewhat out of spite against your friend. Now she regrets doing that because it may have harmed her chances with your friend. Her leading you on is just her way of keeping you around until she gets a definitive no from your friend.
He escalated from being buddies. Since that implies sexual attraction he's doing something right, might as well capitalize on that and push it further.
So a friend of mine got a new girlfriend (yay !) However, he celebrated by getting drunk and making out with another girl... One week later he ends up kissing the same girl again - we'll call her... Francine. Asks me if I want to come visit the bar at his university - mostly to keep her away/keep him from doing stupid shit, when he's drunk. I end up talking to her. She's nice. We add eachother on facebook and I get her number. We text furiously (3000+ texts in ~2months). Start to meet up when we're drunk (nothing happens - strictly friendly). Starts to hang out sober aswell. Two weeks ago she invites me to a party, where we end up kissing --> take a taxi to my place --> agree we're too drunk for sex to even make sence, but do all sort of weird shit instead. Fast forward one weekend, I'm at another party right next to her - with the friend I mentioned at the very start. I tell her I'm sleeping at her place (confidence is my bitch, son!), but she's already on her way to bed. I tell her to join the party then - really want to see her. She shows up. We dance and I try to kiss her again. She tells me "not tonight, please don't take it personally"... So ofc I take it personally... Drunk dial her at 5am - "What's wrong with you? Why would you say no?"... She tells me, she's not sure about us. Last weekend ment a lot and we're most definately not JUST friends anymore. But if we're anymore, we shouldn't rush anything.
So... I give her time... Thursday (5 days later), I'm at a party. Some girl from my class is seriously hitting on me. I go drunk text Francise about our situation - 'cuz if we're not going to be a thing, I'd might aswell screw the girl at the party. Francine gets upset. We're not talking for 2 days. So I end up texting her, we go out - everything seems cool. We talk about the situation and she's still all "we COULD become a thing, but let's give it time".
She's funny, she's intelligent, she's beautiful - and what is somewhat scary: She's suffering from depression - which I am too. I've been in a relationship 7+years with a girl, who never understood how I felt.
I feel like a shit friend towards my man, who introduced me to her in order to "keep her away" from him... And next thing you know, I want to date her. She's indecisive and is taking forever to make up her mind. She's dropping small hints, but I'm too afraid to make a move on it.
So apparently we have the potential to become "a thing". And I'd like that... But I'm afraid she's just stalling to tell me 'no' in the end anyway? This weekend I'm going to two different parties. One with the girl from my own university, who hit aggresively on me earlier - and another party with a girl, that I've been with every single time, we've been drunk together. I feel like an idiot if I say no to those girls - just for Francine to potentially tell me 'no' later?
If you want to have something with Mrs Francine you need to punch through her wall of bullshit.
"We *could* become a thing, but let's give it time" is complete bullshit. She knows it's bullshit. But she also thinks it's her best possible option, especially since you don't seem to know it's bullshit.
Why is it bullshit? She knows she's into you. She knows you're into her. You know the same things the other way around. Like every single person on this planet she's afraid. Maybe, just mabye, she's a little more afraid than your average gal because of her history. Now, for you the why and how are completely irrelevant. Maybe you'll figure it out eventually or she'll tell you, maybe not.
What it means right now is that you need to recognize what's going on: She's afraid of potentially giving you (emotional) control over the situation if she just straight up says "yes".
Frame/Mindset: You know you're into each other. You understand that she's afraid of committing to something she might regret in the future and you believe life is too short to chase "maybes". That's the kind of attitude you need in dealing with her. Basically assume that the only reasons for her hesitation have nothing to do with you or what's going on between you. It's actually not personal.
Worst possible case: Honest bomb (among the lines "I understand you're afraid of taking this any further because you might get hurt and I'm afraid that you being afraid might hurt me if I stick around too long." aka "look babe, we're all scared let's be scared together"). Pretty sure you'll see if it clicks with her, if it does escalate as usual.
DON'T: Keep the current "uh I'm not so sure" up. While you want the ball of defining your relationship in her court (good) you want the question of having one in the first place in yours. To put it bluntly it's your job to make sure you're into each other and it's her job to define where exactly that's gonna lead. Do your job a bit better and then it's her turn.
Keep in mind that the recommendations above are deep, deep rapport building. What this means in practice is that you need to make sure that there's enough sexual attraction between you two to pull those kind of cards. I'm only recommending this in the first place because that department looks alright. Kind of. Actual sex and/or make-outs before this kind of thing would be beneficial but welp, what can you do.
PS: Stop drinking so much. Talk to your buddy about whether she's up for grabs if you value his friendship. Figure out a way to meet with her at a place where you can escalate physically before starting anything with new girls. If she leaves you unsure and that leads to you screwing with other girls it must mean that her being cautious was the correct behavior since apparently you weren't into her in the first place. That this very behavior is making you want to screw other girls isn't a possibility she has genuinely considered.
PPS: If this results in an actual relationship you guys both will need lots of work. Big topic would be "Power dynamics in relationships", I'm pretty sure that you'll both try and find ways to unconsciously screw each other. =P
Woah thanks What a well-written reply!... I'm not sure about her bullshit. You're most likely right, but punching through her wall might just scare her. If I actually go up to her and say "I like you. You like me. Let's give it a chance!", I wouldn't expect her to deny anything. I'd expect her to push me away... The whole "less is more" thing is really true with this one. I think the harder I try the less it works on her.
We've agreed to see eachother saturday. Haven't agreed on where or what... I consider inviting her to my place. I have a projector for a cinema-experience in my living room... Then with some wine and maybe some massage, I could imagine things could take off... Doesn't it sound too clichée though?? (Plus, I'm having a party in my appartment friday - and with my depression I've no way of knowing if I can manage to clean up before she'd come saturday).
And I think you're right about her acting cautious. And she most likely doesn't realize what it triggers in me. Actually saying no to other attractive girls isn't exactly fun (nor worth it) if this doesn't pay off. But I can't tell her to stop being so cautious... Again, that would just push her away.
I really don't know what to do now
What I mean by "punching through her wall" is being honest about it.
a) "I like you. You like me. Let's give it a chance!" b) "I like you. You like me. I understand that you're afraid of being hurt and all that does is make me afraid of being hurt. Can we just stop all that bullshit please?" IF reaction_positive -> kiss.
You're not there to tell her to stop being cautious. You're not there to ask for her emotional dedication to you. You're there to reassert that if she wants a place in your life (which includes being jealous if you talk about other conquests), cool - but she has to fill that role or not. Sure you like her - but that's not enough if she's clearly (yes, interpret every maybe = no in front of her and as yes in front of yourself) is not into you.
If you find a way to escalate instead (which movie date sounds like as usual), do that. Again, it's her job to define your actual relationship but your job to make sure that you establish borders. What this means in practice is that you have to step in when what she says ("Uhh... I'm not so sure about whether we could become a thing!") isn't congruent with what she does ("wtf how can you think about screwing other girls?!"). Whenever this happens and your initial chain of thought is equivalent to "?????????" tell her that you aren't a couple - any kind of reaction that is trying to go against that should mean more escalation.
You get older, you grow apart and you have different likes and dislikes and it all changes. Sometimes that change is good and sometimes that change makes things incompatible.
On November 28 2013 13:13 GibberMD wrote: Life happened.
You get older, you grow apart and you have different likes and dislikes and it all changes. Sometimes that change is good and sometimes that change makes things incompatible.
You probably broke even if she paid for more than half your tuition. Time to buck up and move on. You'll make all that money back in no time if you're out in the mines.
On November 28 2013 11:11 GibberMD wrote: Signed up just to post here.
3 years ago, I attempted to amicably end a 9 year relationship.
So basically it all ended with the conversation of "I don't think that I'm in love with you anymore". This was only shortly before I was due to go away for work at the time so I said we will sort all the belongings and monies and things when I get back. So basically I just wanted to make things easy on both of us just pay the rent, food and bills with our joint money.
I went over for work to a mine site just outside of Mt. Isa in Queensland, Australia. On these sites you dont have to pay for anything, its all provided. We spoke a few times while I was away and everything appeared to be as good as it could be between us. Biggest misjudgment that I have ever made.
I was flying home through Sydney and decided to stay two nights to visit some long forgotten friends however when I got to the hotel it was all "sorry sir you CC has been declined". Immediately I log on to my bank to discover that I have indeed been shafted. $4k run up on the CC and no savings left whatsoever which was just creeping into the 5 figure territory. I couldn't believe it. So I just couch surfed a few nights in Sydney while seeing friends and explaining what had happened.
Anyhow I ended up catching my flight back to Perth and walked in the front door gobsmacked me. Nothing there... just and empty shell no furniture.... not even a knife and fork and a plate. Just nothing. I cried like a baby for about 2 hours before finally literally running to my mothers house.
Never heard from her again, don't know where she went or how she is getting on. I never pursued legal action because I just didn't think it was worth it.
This is heartbreaking. I'm just presuming its all true because it's so incredible (why register an account just to lie in such an odd manner).
Can't for the life of me think why you wouldn't prosecute for fraud ($4,000 fraud + Several Thousand for apartment furnishings). Maybe I'm just too unromantic when it comes to money. Couple hundred to a thousand I could kiss off to avoid the hassle. More and its just ridiculous.
So a friend of mine got a new girlfriend (yay !) However, he celebrated by getting drunk and making out with another girl... One week later he ends up kissing the same girl again - we'll call her... Francine. Asks me if I want to come visit the bar at his university - mostly to keep her away/keep him from doing stupid shit, when he's drunk. I end up talking to her. She's nice. We add eachother on facebook and I get her number. We text furiously (3000+ texts in ~2months). Start to meet up when we're drunk (nothing happens - strictly friendly). Starts to hang out sober aswell. Two weeks ago she invites me to a party, where we end up kissing --> take a taxi to my place --> agree we're too drunk for sex to even make sence, but do all sort of weird shit instead. Fast forward one weekend, I'm at another party right next to her - with the friend I mentioned at the very start. I tell her I'm sleeping at her place (confidence is my bitch, son!), but she's already on her way to bed. I tell her to join the party then - really want to see her. She shows up. We dance and I try to kiss her again. She tells me "not tonight, please don't take it personally"... So ofc I take it personally... Drunk dial her at 5am - "What's wrong with you? Why would you say no?"... She tells me, she's not sure about us. Last weekend ment a lot and we're most definately not JUST friends anymore. But if we're anymore, we shouldn't rush anything.
So... I give her time... Thursday (5 days later), I'm at a party. Some girl from my class is seriously hitting on me. I go drunk text Francise about our situation - 'cuz if we're not going to be a thing, I'd might aswell screw the girl at the party. Francine gets upset. We're not talking for 2 days. So I end up texting her, we go out - everything seems cool. We talk about the situation and she's still all "we COULD become a thing, but let's give it time".
She's funny, she's intelligent, she's beautiful - and what is somewhat scary: She's suffering from depression - which I am too. I've been in a relationship 7+years with a girl, who never understood how I felt.
I feel like a shit friend towards my man, who introduced me to her in order to "keep her away" from him... And next thing you know, I want to date her. She's indecisive and is taking forever to make up her mind. She's dropping small hints, but I'm too afraid to make a move on it.
So apparently we have the potential to become "a thing". And I'd like that... But I'm afraid she's just stalling to tell me 'no' in the end anyway? This weekend I'm going to two different parties. One with the girl from my own university, who hit aggresively on me earlier - and another party with a girl, that I've been with every single time, we've been drunk together. I feel like an idiot if I say no to those girls - just for Francine to potentially tell me 'no' later?
If you want to have something with Mrs Francine you need to punch through her wall of bullshit.
"We *could* become a thing, but let's give it time" is complete bullshit. She knows it's bullshit. But she also thinks it's her best possible option, especially since you don't seem to know it's bullshit.
Why is it bullshit? She knows she's into you. She knows you're into her. You know the same things the other way around. Like every single person on this planet she's afraid. Maybe, just mabye, she's a little more afraid than your average gal because of her history. Now, for you the why and how are completely irrelevant. Maybe you'll figure it out eventually or she'll tell you, maybe not.
What it means right now is that you need to recognize what's going on: She's afraid of potentially giving you (emotional) control over the situation if she just straight up says "yes".
Frame/Mindset: You know you're into each other. You understand that she's afraid of committing to something she might regret in the future and you believe life is too short to chase "maybes". That's the kind of attitude you need in dealing with her. Basically assume that the only reasons for her hesitation have nothing to do with you or what's going on between you. It's actually not personal.
Worst possible case: Honest bomb (among the lines "I understand you're afraid of taking this any further because you might get hurt and I'm afraid that you being afraid might hurt me if I stick around too long." aka "look babe, we're all scared let's be scared together"). Pretty sure you'll see if it clicks with her, if it does escalate as usual.
DON'T: Keep the current "uh I'm not so sure" up. While you want the ball of defining your relationship in her court (good) you want the question of having one in the first place in yours. To put it bluntly it's your job to make sure you're into each other and it's her job to define where exactly that's gonna lead. Do your job a bit better and then it's her turn.
Keep in mind that the recommendations above are deep, deep rapport building. What this means in practice is that you need to make sure that there's enough sexual attraction between you two to pull those kind of cards. I'm only recommending this in the first place because that department looks alright. Kind of. Actual sex and/or make-outs before this kind of thing would be beneficial but welp, what can you do.
PS: Stop drinking so much. Talk to your buddy about whether she's up for grabs if you value his friendship. Figure out a way to meet with her at a place where you can escalate physically before starting anything with new girls. If she leaves you unsure and that leads to you screwing with other girls it must mean that her being cautious was the correct behavior since apparently you weren't into her in the first place. That this very behavior is making you want to screw other girls isn't a possibility she has genuinely considered.
PPS: If this results in an actual relationship you guys both will need lots of work. Big topic would be "Power dynamics in relationships", I'm pretty sure that you'll both try and find ways to unconsciously screw each other. =P
Woah thanks What a well-written reply!... I'm not sure about her bullshit. You're most likely right, but punching through her wall might just scare her. If I actually go up to her and say "I like you. You like me. Let's give it a chance!", I wouldn't expect her to deny anything. I'd expect her to push me away... The whole "less is more" thing is really true with this one. I think the harder I try the less it works on her.
We've agreed to see eachother saturday. Haven't agreed on where or what... I consider inviting her to my place. I have a projector for a cinema-experience in my living room... Then with some wine and maybe some massage, I could imagine things could take off... Doesn't it sound too clichée though?? (Plus, I'm having a party in my appartment friday - and with my depression I've no way of knowing if I can manage to clean up before she'd come saturday).
And I think you're right about her acting cautious. And she most likely doesn't realize what it triggers in me. Actually saying no to other attractive girls isn't exactly fun (nor worth it) if this doesn't pay off. But I can't tell her to stop being so cautious... Again, that would just push her away.
I really don't know what to do now
My take on it is that you were friendzoned a long time ago. She likes your friend still. You both got drunk at a party and she was just like fuck it, let's do it, somewhat out of spite against your friend. Now she regrets doing that because it may have harmed her chances with your friend. Her leading you on is just her way of keeping you around until she gets a definitive no from your friend.
He escalated from being buddies. Since that implies sexual attraction he's doing something right, might as well capitalize on that and push it further.
So a friend of mine got a new girlfriend (yay !) However, he celebrated by getting drunk and making out with another girl... One week later he ends up kissing the same girl again - we'll call her... Francine. Asks me if I want to come visit the bar at his university - mostly to keep her away/keep him from doing stupid shit, when he's drunk. I end up talking to her. She's nice. We add eachother on facebook and I get her number. We text furiously (3000+ texts in ~2months). Start to meet up when we're drunk (nothing happens - strictly friendly). Starts to hang out sober aswell. Two weeks ago she invites me to a party, where we end up kissing --> take a taxi to my place --> agree we're too drunk for sex to even make sence, but do all sort of weird shit instead. Fast forward one weekend, I'm at another party right next to her - with the friend I mentioned at the very start. I tell her I'm sleeping at her place (confidence is my bitch, son!), but she's already on her way to bed. I tell her to join the party then - really want to see her. She shows up. We dance and I try to kiss her again. She tells me "not tonight, please don't take it personally"... So ofc I take it personally... Drunk dial her at 5am - "What's wrong with you? Why would you say no?"... She tells me, she's not sure about us. Last weekend ment a lot and we're most definately not JUST friends anymore. But if we're anymore, we shouldn't rush anything.
So... I give her time... Thursday (5 days later), I'm at a party. Some girl from my class is seriously hitting on me. I go drunk text Francise about our situation - 'cuz if we're not going to be a thing, I'd might aswell screw the girl at the party. Francine gets upset. We're not talking for 2 days. So I end up texting her, we go out - everything seems cool. We talk about the situation and she's still all "we COULD become a thing, but let's give it time".
She's funny, she's intelligent, she's beautiful - and what is somewhat scary: She's suffering from depression - which I am too. I've been in a relationship 7+years with a girl, who never understood how I felt.
I feel like a shit friend towards my man, who introduced me to her in order to "keep her away" from him... And next thing you know, I want to date her. She's indecisive and is taking forever to make up her mind. She's dropping small hints, but I'm too afraid to make a move on it.
So apparently we have the potential to become "a thing". And I'd like that... But I'm afraid she's just stalling to tell me 'no' in the end anyway? This weekend I'm going to two different parties. One with the girl from my own university, who hit aggresively on me earlier - and another party with a girl, that I've been with every single time, we've been drunk together. I feel like an idiot if I say no to those girls - just for Francine to potentially tell me 'no' later?
If you want to have something with Mrs Francine you need to punch through her wall of bullshit.
"We *could* become a thing, but let's give it time" is complete bullshit. She knows it's bullshit. But she also thinks it's her best possible option, especially since you don't seem to know it's bullshit.
Why is it bullshit? She knows she's into you. She knows you're into her. You know the same things the other way around. Like every single person on this planet she's afraid. Maybe, just mabye, she's a little more afraid than your average gal because of her history. Now, for you the why and how are completely irrelevant. Maybe you'll figure it out eventually or she'll tell you, maybe not.
What it means right now is that you need to recognize what's going on: She's afraid of potentially giving you (emotional) control over the situation if she just straight up says "yes".
Frame/Mindset: You know you're into each other. You understand that she's afraid of committing to something she might regret in the future and you believe life is too short to chase "maybes". That's the kind of attitude you need in dealing with her. Basically assume that the only reasons for her hesitation have nothing to do with you or what's going on between you. It's actually not personal.
Worst possible case: Honest bomb (among the lines "I understand you're afraid of taking this any further because you might get hurt and I'm afraid that you being afraid might hurt me if I stick around too long." aka "look babe, we're all scared let's be scared together"). Pretty sure you'll see if it clicks with her, if it does escalate as usual.
DON'T: Keep the current "uh I'm not so sure" up. While you want the ball of defining your relationship in her court (good) you want the question of having one in the first place in yours. To put it bluntly it's your job to make sure you're into each other and it's her job to define where exactly that's gonna lead. Do your job a bit better and then it's her turn.
Keep in mind that the recommendations above are deep, deep rapport building. What this means in practice is that you need to make sure that there's enough sexual attraction between you two to pull those kind of cards. I'm only recommending this in the first place because that department looks alright. Kind of. Actual sex and/or make-outs before this kind of thing would be beneficial but welp, what can you do.
PS: Stop drinking so much. Talk to your buddy about whether she's up for grabs if you value his friendship. Figure out a way to meet with her at a place where you can escalate physically before starting anything with new girls. If she leaves you unsure and that leads to you screwing with other girls it must mean that her being cautious was the correct behavior since apparently you weren't into her in the first place. That this very behavior is making you want to screw other girls isn't a possibility she has genuinely considered.
PPS: If this results in an actual relationship you guys both will need lots of work. Big topic would be "Power dynamics in relationships", I'm pretty sure that you'll both try and find ways to unconsciously screw each other. =P
Woah thanks What a well-written reply!... I'm not sure about her bullshit. You're most likely right, but punching through her wall might just scare her. If I actually go up to her and say "I like you. You like me. Let's give it a chance!", I wouldn't expect her to deny anything. I'd expect her to push me away... The whole "less is more" thing is really true with this one. I think the harder I try the less it works on her.
We've agreed to see eachother saturday. Haven't agreed on where or what... I consider inviting her to my place. I have a projector for a cinema-experience in my living room... Then with some wine and maybe some massage, I could imagine things could take off... Doesn't it sound too clichée though?? (Plus, I'm having a party in my appartment friday - and with my depression I've no way of knowing if I can manage to clean up before she'd come saturday).
And I think you're right about her acting cautious. And she most likely doesn't realize what it triggers in me. Actually saying no to other attractive girls isn't exactly fun (nor worth it) if this doesn't pay off. But I can't tell her to stop being so cautious... Again, that would just push her away.
I really don't know what to do now
What I mean by "punching through her wall" is being honest about it.
a) "I like you. You like me. Let's give it a chance!" b) "I like you. You like me. I understand that you're afraid of being hurt and all that does is make me afraid of being hurt. Can we just stop all that bullshit please?" IF reaction_positive -> kiss.
You're not there to tell her to stop being cautious. You're not there to ask for her emotional dedication to you. You're there to reassert that if she wants a place in your life (which includes being jealous if you talk about other conquests), cool - but she has to fill that role or not. Sure you like her - but that's not enough if she's clearly (yes, interpret every maybe = no in front of her and as yes in front of yourself) is not into you.
If you find a way to escalate instead (which movie date sounds like as usual), do that. Again, it's her job to define your actual relationship but your job to make sure that you establish borders. What this means in practice is that you have to step in when what she says ("Uhh... I'm not so sure about whether we could become a thing!") isn't congruent with what she does ("wtf how can you think about screwing other girls?!"). Whenever this happens and your initial chain of thought is equivalent to "?????????" tell her that you aren't a couple - any kind of reaction that is trying to go against that should mean more escalation.
Repeat until well cooked.
Can I please just husband you ? One thing I haven't made clear obviously: When I spoke to her about us being a thing - because if we weren't I could do the university girl, she wasn't "How can you think about screwing others?!?!"... She was more like "If we were to become a thing, I'd need us to be based on love and respect, which that text clearly didn't show".
And telling her, she doesn't act according to what she's saying doesn't always seem like a smart move with girls, you know ? However, I like your way of wording the "bullshit-breaker". Well... I'll most likely be off TL a few days now. Might update sunday or monday. Thanks for your advice!
On November 28 2013 10:47 IgnE wrote:
My take on it is that you were friendzoned a long time ago. She likes your friend still. You both got drunk at a party and she was just like fuck it, let's do it, somewhat out of spite against your friend. Now she regrets doing that because it may have harmed her chances with your friend. Her leading you on is just her way of keeping you around until she gets a definitive no from your friend.
He's got a girlfriend and actually told her no a long time ago. They hardly ever talk. I talk to her a LOT more than they talk to each other. They've actually become somewhat awkward. So while I can imagine this whole scenario go thousands of ways - I can't really imagine her crushing on him... at all...
Plus... The whole friendzone thing is utter bullshit... If you'd actually want a girl for sex/relationship and not friendship just act on it and take the chance. Just a few months ago I had sex with my best friend through 8 years (nothing had happened before). So I don't really bite into the whole friend-zone-thing.
On November 28 2013 11:11 GibberMD wrote: Signed up just to post here.
3 years ago, I attempted to amicably end a 9 year relationship.
So basically it all ended with the conversation of "I don't think that I'm in love with you anymore". This was only shortly before I was due to go away for work at the time so I said we will sort all the belongings and monies and things when I get back. So basically I just wanted to make things easy on both of us just pay the rent, food and bills with our joint money.
I went over for work to a mine site just outside of Mt. Isa in Queensland, Australia. On these sites you dont have to pay for anything, its all provided. We spoke a few times while I was away and everything appeared to be as good as it could be between us. Biggest misjudgment that I have ever made.
I was flying home through Sydney and decided to stay two nights to visit some long forgotten friends however when I got to the hotel it was all "sorry sir you CC has been declined". Immediately I log on to my bank to discover that I have indeed been shafted. $4k run up on the CC and no savings left whatsoever which was just creeping into the 5 figure territory. I couldn't believe it. So I just couch surfed a few nights in Sydney while seeing friends and explaining what had happened.
Anyhow I ended up catching my flight back to Perth and walked in the front door gobsmacked me. Nothing there... just and empty shell no furniture.... not even a knife and fork and a plate. Just nothing. I cried like a baby for about 2 hours before finally literally running to my mothers house.
Never heard from her again, don't know where she went or how she is getting on. I never pursued legal action because I just didn't think it was worth it.
This is heartbreaking. I'm just presuming its all true because it's so incredible (why register an account just to lie in such an odd manner).
Can't for the life of me think why you wouldn't prosecute for fraud ($4,000 fraud + Several Thousand for apartment furnishings). Maybe I'm just too unromantic when it comes to money. Couple hundred to a thousand I could kiss off to avoid the hassle. More and its just ridiculous.
While I understand your reaction Danglars, it seems like he's leaving some parts out. His later clarification that she had paid for some of his tuition and had bought most of the things in the house makes it more understandable. It's not like they were married and he had easy legal recourse. But I feel like if this situation were reversed, and a guy was living with a woman who told him that she didn't love him anymore, and this guy had spent 9 years of his life supporting this woman, who was just now starting to make money and be self-supporting, your advice to the guy would be to just take everything you can and run. Am I wrong?
Maybe the real heartbreak is that such a split needn't have happened. Monogamy just became too hard.
On November 28 2013 11:11 GibberMD wrote: Signed up just to post here.
3 years ago, I attempted to amicably end a 9 year relationship.
So basically it all ended with the conversation of "I don't think that I'm in love with you anymore". This was only shortly before I was due to go away for work at the time so I said we will sort all the belongings and monies and things when I get back. So basically I just wanted to make things easy on both of us just pay the rent, food and bills with our joint money.
I went over for work to a mine site just outside of Mt. Isa in Queensland, Australia. On these sites you dont have to pay for anything, its all provided. We spoke a few times while I was away and everything appeared to be as good as it could be between us. Biggest misjudgment that I have ever made.
I was flying home through Sydney and decided to stay two nights to visit some long forgotten friends however when I got to the hotel it was all "sorry sir you CC has been declined". Immediately I log on to my bank to discover that I have indeed been shafted. $4k run up on the CC and no savings left whatsoever which was just creeping into the 5 figure territory. I couldn't believe it. So I just couch surfed a few nights in Sydney while seeing friends and explaining what had happened.
Anyhow I ended up catching my flight back to Perth and walked in the front door gobsmacked me. Nothing there... just and empty shell no furniture.... not even a knife and fork and a plate. Just nothing. I cried like a baby for about 2 hours before finally literally running to my mothers house.
Never heard from her again, don't know where she went or how she is getting on. I never pursued legal action because I just didn't think it was worth it.
This is heartbreaking. I'm just presuming its all true because it's so incredible (why register an account just to lie in such an odd manner).
Can't for the life of me think why you wouldn't prosecute for fraud ($4,000 fraud + Several Thousand for apartment furnishings). Maybe I'm just too unromantic when it comes to money. Couple hundred to a thousand I could kiss off to avoid the hassle. More and its just ridiculous.
While I understand your reaction Danglars, it seems like he's leaving some parts out. His later clarification that she had paid for some of his tuition and had bought most of the things in the house makes it more understandable. It's not like they were married and he had easy legal recourse. But I feel like if this situation were reversed, and a guy was living with a woman who told him that she didn't love him anymore, and this guy had spent 9 years of his life supporting this woman, who was just now starting to make money and be self-supporting, your advice to the guy would be to just take everything you can and run. Am I wrong?
Maybe the real heartbreak is that such a split needn't have happened. Monogamy just became too hard.
On November 28 2013 11:11 GibberMD wrote: Signed up just to post here.
3 years ago, I attempted to amicably end a 9 year relationship.
So basically it all ended with the conversation of "I don't think that I'm in love with you anymore". This was only shortly before I was due to go away for work at the time so I said we will sort all the belongings and monies and things when I get back. So basically I just wanted to make things easy on both of us just pay the rent, food and bills with our joint money.
I went over for work to a mine site just outside of Mt. Isa in Queensland, Australia. On these sites you dont have to pay for anything, its all provided. We spoke a few times while I was away and everything appeared to be as good as it could be between us. Biggest misjudgment that I have ever made.
I was flying home through Sydney and decided to stay two nights to visit some long forgotten friends however when I got to the hotel it was all "sorry sir you CC has been declined". Immediately I log on to my bank to discover that I have indeed been shafted. $4k run up on the CC and no savings left whatsoever which was just creeping into the 5 figure territory. I couldn't believe it. So I just couch surfed a few nights in Sydney while seeing friends and explaining what had happened.
Anyhow I ended up catching my flight back to Perth and walked in the front door gobsmacked me. Nothing there... just and empty shell no furniture.... not even a knife and fork and a plate. Just nothing. I cried like a baby for about 2 hours before finally literally running to my mothers house.
Never heard from her again, don't know where she went or how she is getting on. I never pursued legal action because I just didn't think it was worth it.
This is heartbreaking. I'm just presuming its all true because it's so incredible (why register an account just to lie in such an odd manner).
Can't for the life of me think why you wouldn't prosecute for fraud ($4,000 fraud + Several Thousand for apartment furnishings). Maybe I'm just too unromantic when it comes to money. Couple hundred to a thousand I could kiss off to avoid the hassle. More and its just ridiculous.
While I understand your reaction Danglars, it seems like he's leaving some parts out. His later clarification that she had paid for some of his tuition and had bought most of the things in the house makes it more understandable. It's not like they were married and he had easy legal recourse. But I feel like if this situation were reversed, and a guy was living with a woman who told him that she didn't love him anymore, and this guy had spent 9 years of his life supporting this woman, who was just now starting to make money and be self-supporting, your advice to the guy would be to just take everything you can and run. Am I wrong?
Maybe the real heartbreak is that such a split needn't have happened. Monogamy just became too hard.
Regarding the YT clip: What the bloke says makes sense I guess. But I just hate the thought of another dick being inside the girl I love D:
The guy sounds retarded and nothing he says holds any legitimacy lol. We also treated women as our inferiors for most of our history as well, maybe we should go back to that because it's "easier" and more "natural".
Monogamy isn't too hard, people are just so focused on self-satisfaction that they don't care.
On November 28 2013 11:22 GibberMD wrote: Well, its a little more than just that.
I studied for 3 years at uni while in that relationship, and only worked a part time job. She was working fulltime for along time and payed for probably more than half of my tuition as i didn't want to HEX (basically student loan in Australia) it. Not to mention all the other costs that she incurred while I was studying
That's pretty much why i never took legal action because to be honest, I wouldn't have gotten a lot anyhow.
Honestly adding that in makes you sound like a pretty bad person. Basically as soon as you got your shit together you realized you could do better and broke it off with her. Not that I particularly condone her just flat our taking everything, but you kind of deserved it in the end.
EPT
!) However, he celebrated by getting drunk and making out with another girl... One week later he ends up kissing the same girl again - we'll call her... Francine. Asks me if I want to come visit the bar at his university - mostly to keep her away/keep him from doing stupid shit, when he's drunk. I end up talking to her. She's nice. We add eachother on facebook and I get her number. We text furiously (3000+ texts in ~2months). Start to meet up when we're drunk (nothing happens - strictly friendly). Starts to hang out sober aswell. Two weeks ago she invites me to a party, where we end up kissing --> take a taxi to my place --> agree we're too drunk for sex to even make sence, but do all sort of weird shit instead. 
? 
