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On September 30 2011 13:55 theBALLS wrote:Show nested quote +On September 30 2011 13:12 Dhalphir wrote:
Getting married without living together is objectively fucking stupid.
Regardless of your reasons for it, or whether you have success stories from other people you know, it is a less intelligent move and will increase the chance that you may find you are not at all compatible.
You do NOT know someone until you have lived with them. Fact. I would like to contest your " fact". A good majority of Asians do not live together before marriage. However, our divorce rates are lower than other communities that practice cohabitation prior to marriage. Take my parents' marriage for example. They never lived together. Now they're married 21 years. This is also the case for all closer relatives. Think before using a word like "objective". It is subjective.
This is completely anecdotal and useless and doesn't prove anything. However, there have been studies done in North America that showed that couples that did not live together prior to marriage were less prone to divorce compared to couples that lived together prior to marriage. This has nothing to do with ethnicity, and it differs according to communities. Modern South Korea has a high divorce rate but many couples don't live together prior to marriage.
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I heard that one too, but I can't remember where.
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On September 30 2011 13:51 crms wrote:Show nested quote +On September 30 2011 13:39 Datz2Ez wrote:On September 30 2011 13:12 Dhalphir wrote:
Getting married without living together is objectively fucking stupid.
Regardless of your reasons for it, or whether you have success stories from other people you know, it is a less intelligent move and will increase the chance that you may find you are not at all compatible.
You do NOT know someone until you have lived with them. Fact. On what do you base yourself to say 'objectively fucking stupid'. What do you objectively know about me or my girlfriend? What do you objectively know about our relationship? You only have 2 data in an equation that is way more complicated then a+b=c You're too emotionally attached to this situation to realize why this is an objectively poor decision. Sorry but it's the truth. GL HF though, I don't mean to make you look bad, that's pointless. You have some major statistical mountains to get over; all the luck, you're going to need every bit of it.
I don't think that luck is involve in the process don't worry. I will not contest the fact that I am someone that is very emmotional, but with a head on my shoulder (french expression XD). Also, my parents always tought me to think with my brain, not with my heart so getting married is not a 'heart' decision but a brain decision. If you want to discuss why I decided to do this, why not later, why not live together first, etc. I would gladly take youre email and have a chat with you so that we can talk openly about this. In the end, I doubt you will still think that my decision is emotional.
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Looking at marriage success rate statistics, and saying, "Looks like I ought to wait till I'm XX to get married" is completely ridiculous. There are numerous factors that come into play. He has expressed that he has religious sentiments that have aided his decision to not cohabitate prior to his marriage. Assuming she shares similar religious values, that would be an immediate plus. To judge someone's relationship purely on statistical terms, and then disregard the bond developed between the two as too 'emotional' to see the wisdom in not getting married, is absurd.
Please, if you aren't currently married, been married, or planning to get married, do not assume to be the authority on this subject. You clearly lack practical experience. Several of the posts in here from married persons have excellent advice and information. The posts from those who aren't are demeaning to the OP and purely speculative.
For the sake of the discussion, lets not turn his simple question into a statistical debate, or an argument over the validity of cohabitation prior to marriage.
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On September 30 2011 06:41 Datz2Ez wrote:Show nested quote +On September 30 2011 05:56 Szordrin wrote:I don't understand being married with age 21. Im currently 25, with my girlfriend since about im 19 and its all fine, working out etc. But why would I marry already? Sounds to me more like a romantic imagination? I mean, I see the point when you want to get kids with all the legal stuff etc. But why would you marry that early otherwise? Even when you are convinced it will last forever (good luck), there shouldnt be a problem with waiting until 25, 28, whatever, no? I'm playing Handball and there are also a bunch of younger kids around 20, can't imagine seeing them married...  @gaming. Not a marriage here, but a longtime relationship. She doesn't care about games, but I have enough time for it since I'm a student and shes working. I just take care that I don't play when we both have some free time. No, we do not get into this point in this thread. This is becomming a religious discussion and it is very far away from what this thread is about, keep it to constructive comment about the thread. Life is made to be lived as it please you. Do not question my action since this is not about if my decision is good or bad. In my situation, where I am at the moment, it is a good decision. But that is only for me in my situation, do not judge my choice. EDIT: Also, the stupidest thing you can do in life is to live it in function of what can go wrong. "Oh I won't get a house because I might lose my job later", "Oh I will never get married because I don't know if I will be forever with this girl" it is not how life is suppose to be lived. I repeat, this has NOTHING to do about age! It's about where your are in life.
Ok. So ive read all the posts up until this point. You ask for advice and when someone says something you don't agree with you get pissed and tell them not to "tell you what to do". Is this what you'll tell your wife as well?
You claim that you're a grown up able to talk and judge for yourself yet you're going to get married someone you havnt lived with at all? And the part youre worried about is wether youll get to
play enough videogames or not? Judging from your posts you dont seem very mature. If I were you I would think this through really carefully. Especially if you're part of some sort of religion (which i suspect you are) where divorce is problematic or unthinkable.
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On September 30 2011 13:39 Datz2Ez wrote:Show nested quote +On September 30 2011 13:12 Dhalphir wrote:
Getting married without living together is objectively fucking stupid.
Regardless of your reasons for it, or whether you have success stories from other people you know, it is a less intelligent move and will increase the chance that you may find you are not at all compatible.
You do NOT know someone until you have lived with them. Fact. On what do you base yourself to say 'objectively fucking stupid'. What do you objectively know about me or my girlfriend? What do you objectively know about our relationship? You only have 2 data in an equation that is way more complicated then a+b=c
The fact that living together is extremely difficult and it only takes one unbearable bad habit to ruin a marriage.
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On September 30 2011 16:30 Robinsa wrote:Show nested quote +On September 30 2011 06:41 Datz2Ez wrote:On September 30 2011 05:56 Szordrin wrote:I don't understand being married with age 21. Im currently 25, with my girlfriend since about im 19 and its all fine, working out etc. But why would I marry already? Sounds to me more like a romantic imagination? I mean, I see the point when you want to get kids with all the legal stuff etc. But why would you marry that early otherwise? Even when you are convinced it will last forever (good luck), there shouldnt be a problem with waiting until 25, 28, whatever, no? I'm playing Handball and there are also a bunch of younger kids around 20, can't imagine seeing them married... @gaming. Not a marriage here, but a longtime relationship. She doesn't care about games, but I have enough time for it since I'm a student and shes working. I just take care that I don't play when we both have some free time. No, we do not get into this point in this thread. This is becomming a religious discussion and it is very far away from what this thread is about, keep it to constructive comment about the thread. Life is made to be lived as it please you. Do not question my action since this is not about if my decision is good or bad. In my situation, where I am at the moment, it is a good decision. But that is only for me in my situation, do not judge my choice. EDIT: Also, the stupidest thing you can do in life is to live it in function of what can go wrong. "Oh I won't get a house because I might lose my job later", "Oh I will never get married because I don't know if I will be forever with this girl" it is not how life is suppose to be lived. I repeat, this has NOTHING to do about age! It's about where your are in life. Ok. So ive read all the posts up until this point. You ask for advice and when someone says something you don't agree with you get pissed and tell them not to "tell you what to do". Is this what you'll tell your wife as well? You claim that you're a grown up able to talk and judge for yourself yet you're going to get married someone you havnt lived with at all? And the part youre worried about is wether youll get to play enough videogames or not? Judging from your posts you dont seem very mature. If I were you I would think this through really carefully. Especially if you're part of some sort of religion (which i suspect you are) where divorce is problematic or unthinkable.
This post is laughable, in all respects.
I'd leave it at that, if a mod wouldn't warn me over it.
1. You assault him for only responding to negative/off-topic feedback, this is probably because he's taking the advice of those who aren't criticizing or derailing to heart. Perhaps you demand he reply to each and thank them for their posts.
2. You again rehash all the derailing topics mentioned in this thread. He's too young, he's never lived with her, etc.
3. You call him immature because he's curious about how his marriage will effect his gaming lifestyle. This is a gaming community. Seems reasonable to me.
4. You play the religion card to imply he doesn't comprehend the decision he's making, and the potential consequences associated with it. I'm happy you're here to call his decision into question.
Please, can we get this back on track? I myself am loving the feedback from those who ARE married, because I myself am in a similar situation, and love to hear how it has effected those who have experienced it.
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On September 30 2011 16:38 Dhalphir wrote:Show nested quote +On September 30 2011 13:39 Datz2Ez wrote:On September 30 2011 13:12 Dhalphir wrote:
Getting married without living together is objectively fucking stupid.
Regardless of your reasons for it, or whether you have success stories from other people you know, it is a less intelligent move and will increase the chance that you may find you are not at all compatible.
You do NOT know someone until you have lived with them. Fact. On what do you base yourself to say 'objectively fucking stupid'. What do you objectively know about me or my girlfriend? What do you objectively know about our relationship? You only have 2 data in an equation that is way more complicated then a+b=c The fact that living together is extremely difficult and it only takes one unbearable bad habit to ruin a marriage.
I can't remember the thread it was in, but someone posted a video of a great speech by a gay man about marriage and what to realistically expect in a companion. I wish I had the link because your current mindset assumes if someone has one habit that you can't tolerate, your marriage is over. The revelation is that you're the one who can decide whether to let that one "bad" habit effect your marriage, and you can be the one to effectively end it, if you can't get over it. Is that one habit really worth discarding the relationship with the one you love and have committed yourself to?
You believe in the fairy tale marriage.
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This post really amazes me in the way of seen all the cultural differences between all the different countries.
What seems perfectly "normal" to some people its "outrageous" for some others.
Anyway to the OP. In my experience, gaming it is not that different from watching TV. It is some form of entertainment you prefer. Your wife may have different ways of entertainment. So its a matter of finding the middle.
Yes... there will be less gaming but you will have some other amazing things to think, learn, worry and love about other than gaming. So, in a way, even tho gaming will be less frequent, it will be equally enjoyable.
Good luck dude and gratz on the marriage
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I live with my girlfriend since over half a year and I play the whole day np for her tough she is a strong one as i'd say I play too much atm since i'm home
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Just wanted to give my 2 cents (although I admit I only skimmed the pages)
We've been married for almost 2 years now (anniversary coming up ) and I am indeed 23 right now. We moved in together the day of our marriage. My wife had a computer at home that was barely able to manage opening a text editor given enough time. At first she was very surprised how serious I took gaming, although we had quite some talk about that topic prior to marriage. Reality sometime really is quite different from what you expected. Plus I just have way too many gaming hobbies to begin with...
At first she didn't know what to think of it but nowadays things are very different. We are doing great together. Given some time she just wanted to know what I was doing and tried things out (just as I do with her hobbies) and now we have a Dungeons and Dragons Pen & Paper party going and play the occasional game of Civilization. Gaming with your wife is actually awesome btw. Although she shows no real interest in BW, she has no problem with me playing it or yelling at my screen while watching PL. Sometimes she even cheers for certain players with me. Just try to understand each other and don't go all-in hardcore all-night gaming every day. Reserve some time for your loved one  . As others have stated: She probably has some hobbies, too, so play while she does whatever she likes to do. Try stuff together. I certainly play less than before, but that does not mean that I'm restricted to an hour every month. There will be times for games as there are times for other stuff. Don't worry
TL;dr - She'll probably be surprised by your gaming habit nonetheless. Reserve time for each other; try her hobbies, she'll probably try yours; everything should be fine
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as others have said less time when your older, and when you think you have time to play, it gets taken away from you. I have been with my partner for 3 years, and everytime I think its safe to play she will nag me and well have to go out and do something. Ironically shes moving to Cardiff for a while purely for work reasons (possible a long time and im moving up with her if we can pay of our debts and sort outselves out) but I can see myself having a lot more time to play in the coming next few months. But yeh back on track, you will get less time, and if your like me and are actively playing football, soemthing has to give, currently im playing football when i can and trying to watch SC2, replays and read Tl when I can, msotly when im in work... lol. But yeh I wouldnt be abel to do both, and im just going on the fact if I work and play starcraft 2 when i can I will have no excerise other then walking our dog lol.
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EDIT: God, I'm sorry for the wall of text. Didn't realize I had written that much. I'll spoiler it so it doesn't take up the whole page for people who don't care.
+ Show Spoiler +I've lived with my wife for 8 years, then got married and been married 2 years. We met when we we're 16, moved in together at 18, married at 26. (We're the same age). I have always been an avid gamer, especially in my early 20's. There is no limit to how much time I would spend at the computer if I didn't have to work and spend time with friends/family. Note that I say "have to". There is really no activity I prefer to gaming. There are some that come close, but usually the interest fades rapidly. Gaming is the only thing that's constantly on my mind. Now, don't get me wrong. I love my wife and my daughter (1yo) more than gaming, more than anything in the world. That doesn't mean that I enjoy doing anything with them more than I enjoy gaming. E.g. going to the playground with my daughter isn't great fun for me, but it's worth it because she gets to enjoy herself a lot. There's no way I can explain the feeling, that's just the way it is. You people quote stuff like "If you really love someone you'd want to spend every hour with them rather than at the computer." I say you people do not know true love. Sure, in the beginning, when it was all love-dovey, butterflies and exciting she was my no.1 choice of activity. But when it settled into deep, to the bone, core love you love someone not for the awesome fun things you do together but because the life you share. The memories, the goals for the future, the bonds we've made. It is very, very easy to take someone like that for granted. I've done it on multiple occasions, sometimes I've caught myself and sometimes my wife had to let me know. Either way, it's a horrible feeling, knowing you've under-appreciated her. She's the most important thing in your world but since she's always there, you stop noticing it. So what do you about it? How do you keep things together? You work hard at it. You put in countless hours of doing things that are less fun (or downright boring) than gaming because that's what it takes for you to keep things running smooth. Sure, I dream of being able to spend an entire weekend doing nothing but playing games, but if the cost was losing/hurting my family, it's not even worth thinking about. + Show Spoiler +While writing the last paragraph, I realize it seems strange to go through life not doing what you love all day every day, but I guess there's more to this than I understand because the choice doesn't seem strange to me. To do this, you need to figure out what it takes to keep things running. How much effort is required? This you can ONLY learn through experience. You have to test the boundaries to find them. I did it and it almost cost me everything. I am less prone to testing them since, but now I know. The alternative is putting ALL your effort into it, but in reality you're not going to do that after the first 1-2 years. Maybe spending time with her really is your favorite activity. It's rare but I guess it happens. My problem has always been that my wife has never had a hobby that lasted more than 1 month in her entire life, and she's fine with that. She watches TV but follows very few shows and she plays some games but not with any regularity. She'll also read an occasional book. She's tried numerous activities but nothing ever sticks with her. I, on the other hand, have a huge hobby which I could sink countless hours into. See the problem? There's no trade-off. I can't go: "Have fun at bowling honey" and go play games. I can't go: "Sure I'll go ballroom dancing with you this weekend. Is it OK if I watch MLG the weekend after?" This means that I always feel like I "owe" her for that MLG-weekend or a few hours of evening gaming. We've talked a lot about this but have found no clear course of action. Thus, I've tried to contain my gaming to the times when she works evenings or weekends. I still have the daughter to take care of though, so even that time is severely limited. All in all, I'm happy as a clam and wouldn't trade my life for anything. But it takes work.
tl;dr: My view on marriage, living together, sacrifices and love.
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On September 30 2011 13:39 Datz2Ez wrote:Show nested quote +On September 30 2011 13:12 Dhalphir wrote:
Getting married without living together is objectively fucking stupid.
Regardless of your reasons for it, or whether you have success stories from other people you know, it is a less intelligent move and will increase the chance that you may find you are not at all compatible.
You do NOT know someone until you have lived with them. Fact. On what do you base yourself to say 'objectively fucking stupid'. What do you objectively know about me or my girlfriend? What do you objectively know about our relationship? You only have 2 data in an equation that is way more complicated then a+b=c
You may love your girlfriend to death.
She may also have a really irritating habit of hers that may well be make or break that will only come in to play once you're living together.
I don't really think you can truly know someone unless you have to wake up next to them, EVERY DAY, and deal with all of their bullshit day in and day out.
It obviously comes with its perks, but I learned a hell of a lot of things that surprised me about my wife when I moved in with her...and I had known her for six years prior to even starting a relationship with her. Then we dated for a year, then we moved in together for a year and a half and THEN got married. Living together is unlike anything else. It changes everything.
As for gaming while having a wife...she needs to understand that its a hobby. She has her hobbies and you have your hobbies. As long as you don't play to the detriment of the relationship your partner should be okay with that because they KNOW that about you...again this is really something you can only figure out if you live together.
Even with her go ahead I try not to play too much when we're both off. She has school/work so there are plenty of times where she isnt around that I can just go onto the computer.
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I think there has to be reason. Do not expect someone to take an interest in your hobbies if you don't in theirs. The inverse is also true. He/she shouldn't be demanding that you sit with them watching boring TV programmes for the sake of having "company" (Britain's X Factor obsessives come to mind) if they are not also sitting with you trying to learn Starcraft 2. Hobby interest is an entirely shared thing, and what a lot of very self interested "gamer widows" like to make the point of is that their husband doesn't have an interest in them.
The truth is, they probably don't have much of an interest in their husband in return. That kind of siege environment can become extremely unpleasant to live in, and in all honesty, in those cases I would recommend a divorce. There has to be a give and a take. Not down to the hour, but near as makes no difference.
It really depends on who you're with.
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On September 30 2011 03:03 Datz2Ez wrote:Show nested quote +On September 30 2011 02:59 bonifaceviii wrote:On September 30 2011 02:54 Bibdy wrote:
I don't know if she would take offense to this or not, but maybe you want to suggest the idea of initially sleeping in separate rooms, so that you keep that private space. That's what my girlfriend and I did when we moved in together, and I think it was a fantastic decision. It allowed us to keep our private space initially, and over time, adjust to being around each other all the time. For the last couple years we've been inseparable and can easily tolerate each other's constant presence at all hours of the day. 1 month of marriage and so far, we're not seeing any change in our behaviour (believe me, we're watching it). Nah, go all in. When I moved in with my fiancee (getting married in April) we shared a bed from the get-go and it was a trial by fire. If you're up in each other's grills as soon as you move in the more short-term pain there will be for the long-term comfort. Save separate rooms for when you're older and your kids move out. Hahaha guys :-) funny suggestion. No I am in the prime of my sexual abilities I don't see my self sleeping in another room (and we don't even have one anyway) also my futur-wife would never want this. We can't wait to share that first night together ♥
Wait, you want to marry without having lived together with her?
That invites more trouble than you might expect.
The marriage itself won't have a lot of influence, it's just a signature on a paper and then one of you has to do a lot of paperwork to get the name changed for everything. It won't suddenly force you to play less or anything, you are still the same persons in the same environment. You will still basically do the same things every day, have the same responsibilities and in general, nothing changes.
However, what will change everything is living together with her. It's totally different and destroys a lot of previously perfect relationships.
Try it first for at least a year before doing anything stupid.
Marrying is easy, a divorce is not.
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OP strikes me as very nice, and as someone who is going to have a very interesting year or two.
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On September 30 2011 16:58 dOofuS wrote:
I can't remember the thread it was in, but someone posted a video of a great speech by a gay man about marriage and what to realistically expect in a companion. I wish I had the link because your current mindset assumes if someone has one habit that you can't tolerate, your marriage is over. The revelation is that you're the one who can decide whether to let that one "bad" habit effect your marriage, and you can be the one to effectively end it, if you can't get over it. Is that one habit really worth discarding the relationship with the one you love and have committed yourself to?
You believe in the fairy tale marriage.
Probably the same thread that Chill and I were repeatedly facepalming in because people were basically:
"Girl does one thing you don't like? DUMP THE BITCH!!!!"
Whatever happened to people making compromises and working relationships out? I mean, yeah, living with someone is absolutely different than dating someone but I think as long as you're both willing to put your best foot forward and keep things open between each other as to what's good and what's not, then you can work a lot of that stuff out.
"my girlfriend never remembers to put the top back on the toothpaste, we're divorcing"
Come on. -_-
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Russian Federation60 Posts
I happen to play with a group of elder people (30-50). Pretty much all of them are married and have kids. And they still manage to find time to play MMORPGs competitively. So it's definitely possible.
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I'm not married, but have been living with my gf for a year. We are never going to get married, so this is as aproximate as it gets.
She likes computer games, although in a more casual way. She likes The elder Scrolls kind of games, yet is not as hardcore about it as i am.
What can i say , she knew i had this hobby, so it's not like she should be surprised i spend quite some time playing.
Being married (or equivalent) is about being with someone, sharing, spending time together, etc, so as long as you are not a gaming zombie you should be alright .
Spending time together doesn't necesarily imply you are watching the same movie (to say something). Sometimes i'm laddering, and she's watching some series in her laptop. And sometimes whatever the other is doing catches the other's interest and share even more.
We sometimes end up watching some NASL, MLG, whatever stream and eating popcorn while i explain to her what is happening, and why each player react in certain ways. Now she is an MC fan, hates idra (of whom im a fan), and makes fun of me when idra ragequits.
Now she even pokes my shoulder once in a while.... "You should make more overlords!!". "Stop making lings, he has plenty of collosus!" Would that be cheating? .
She also keeps the my siamese cat "Doris" from jumping into my lap mid-game, cause she knows i might just snap and throw her through the window :$
And the other day i lost the final for a tourney (http://challonge.com/08_11_sc2uy), and it went...
She: How did it go?
Me: I got pretty much roflstomped.
She: Then get out of here! I don't wanna be with a loser!
And so we watched some Seinfeld.
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EPT
