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On September 30 2011 10:41 Datz2Ez wrote:Show nested quote +On September 30 2011 09:51 Dekoth wrote:
So if you are just going to shoot down anyone's advice that you don't like, why did you even post this thread? If you wanted us to just say Congrats on your marriage and be done with it, you should of posted as much. Granted most of the comments here are from people who don't know what they are talking about (single), There are however a number of comments from people who have been married who clearly do.
21 is too young..Period. Anyone who disagrees is single or isn't old enough to know better. I got married at 19 like I said, I speak from experience.
Gaming believe it or not can become a deal breaker. There is many women who get really bent out of shape over video games. I have seen marriages ended due to control issues over video games and I am not even talking about guys who abused it. I have a close friend who was a gamer and got married to a non gamer who hated games. He only played 2 hours a week and Only when she was watching TV. She would rage about it despite ignoring it while they were dating. Somehow in her mind watching TV was more acceptable than him playing a video game. If you don't know your girls stance on Games, you need to know and know now. Otherwise expect it to be a problem.
Minor problems become major problems as the years go by. This is a cold simple truth. If it is a minor annoyance to her now, in 5 years it will be a huge arguing point.
Take the advice for what it is worth. If you didn't actually want it, well then Congrats and good luck. I hope you don't turn out like the majority of people do who make half informed decisions going into a marriage. No, the fact is that you do not understand well the point of this thread. This is not about me. This is not about if my decision is good or bad. I do not wish do discuss this with you nor with anyone else since this is my choice. I think that I have this maturity, I grew up faster then most people did. I went in appartement at 17, I had the time to rebel myself, question myself quit school go back again and finaly found who I was. Do not think I took this decision lightly, I talked alot with my girlfriend and my parents before making a move. So now, stop talking about me please. The fact that you got married at 19 and failed doesn't mean nobody can ever do that and succeed. You're life doesn't represent everyone else life. Now if you wish to discuss about this thread, tell us what failed in your relationship and what could have been done better in order that everyone benifit from your experience.
Bold 1 - You don't have the maturity you think you do. I thought I was extremely mature at that age as well. Owned a car, owned my own townhouse (no support from my parents), Never quit school, joined the military and served 4 years etc etc. I as well as my wife were both extremely mature at that time. Yet reflecting back, we hardly understood maturity completely and in reality we were not nearly as mature as we thought. If we had been, many different decisions would of been made.
Bold 2 - You did, sorry to say. This all boils down to point 1. I am not bashing you, I am trying to stop you from making a decision that you will regret in 10 years or less. If she is the one, waiting a few more years won't change anything. Live together, things change trust me.
My marriage didn't fail. We have been married 13 years now and have 2 children. That doesn't mean our decision at that time was correct. We endured because of a number of reasons, but the fact remains is both of us acknowledge that the decision we made at 19 would of better been made at 24/25.
That is all I am going to say. You wanted advice, you got it. Take it, leave it I don't care. However happy marriage or not, my words will be remembered in the future when you are old enough to realize the mistake you are making. Again, not saying Don't marry her..I am saying to wait.
Good luck
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On September 30 2011 23:29 Dekoth wrote:Show nested quote +On September 30 2011 10:41 Datz2Ez wrote:On September 30 2011 09:51 Dekoth wrote:
So if you are just going to shoot down anyone's advice that you don't like, why did you even post this thread? If you wanted us to just say Congrats on your marriage and be done with it, you should of posted as much. Granted most of the comments here are from people who don't know what they are talking about (single), There are however a number of comments from people who have been married who clearly do.
21 is too young..Period. Anyone who disagrees is single or isn't old enough to know better. I got married at 19 like I said, I speak from experience.
Gaming believe it or not can become a deal breaker. There is many women who get really bent out of shape over video games. I have seen marriages ended due to control issues over video games and I am not even talking about guys who abused it. I have a close friend who was a gamer and got married to a non gamer who hated games. He only played 2 hours a week and Only when she was watching TV. She would rage about it despite ignoring it while they were dating. Somehow in her mind watching TV was more acceptable than him playing a video game. If you don't know your girls stance on Games, you need to know and know now. Otherwise expect it to be a problem.
Minor problems become major problems as the years go by. This is a cold simple truth. If it is a minor annoyance to her now, in 5 years it will be a huge arguing point.
Take the advice for what it is worth. If you didn't actually want it, well then Congrats and good luck. I hope you don't turn out like the majority of people do who make half informed decisions going into a marriage. No, the fact is that you do not understand well the point of this thread. This is not about me. This is not about if my decision is good or bad. I do not wish do discuss this with you nor with anyone else since this is my choice. I think that I have this maturity, I grew up faster then most people did. I went in appartement at 17, I had the time to rebel myself, question myself quit school go back again and finaly found who I was. Do not think I took this decision lightly, I talked alot with my girlfriend and my parents before making a move. So now, stop talking about me please. The fact that you got married at 19 and failed doesn't mean nobody can ever do that and succeed. You're life doesn't represent everyone else life. Now if you wish to discuss about this thread, tell us what failed in your relationship and what could have been done better in order that everyone benifit from your experience. Bold 1 - You don't have the maturity you think you do. I thought I was extremely mature at that age as well. Owned a car, owned my own townhouse (no support from my parents), Never quit school, joined the military and served 4 years etc etc. I as well as my wife were both extremely mature at that time. Yet reflecting back, we hardly understood maturity completely and in reality we were not nearly as mature as we thought. If we had been, many different decisions would of been made. Bold 2 - You did, sorry to say. This all boils down to point 1. I am not bashing you, I am trying to stop you from making a decision that you will regret in 10 years or less. If she is the one, waiting a few more years won't change anything. Live together, things change trust me. My marriage didn't fail. We have been married 13 years now and have 2 children. That doesn't mean our decision at that time was correct. We endured because of a number of reasons, but the fact remains is both of us acknowledge that the decision we made at 19 would of better been made at 24/25. That is all I am going to say. You wanted advice, you got it. Take it, leave it I don't care. However happy marriage or not, my words will be remembered in the future when you are old enough to realize the mistake you are making. Again, not saying Don't marry her..I am saying to wait. Good luck
Apologies, but I still don't understand your point and what you base yourself uppon to say that. I did not finish maturing, that is for sure. I will not argue that. The brain itself is not fully functional until the early 30s I can't argue this point. My point is that I have the maturity and the will to do what needs to be done in order to obtain success.
Then, you say that I did, explain your point and why I did this. Because before proposing, I took 6 month to think. I had several discussion with my parents wich are both married for over 20 years. I talked to alot of elder to view their tought on my choice. How could I have take this decision more seriously?
Then, I didn't want this kind of advice, it is completly out of subject. I was asking on how you handle you're game habit with your mate. You are not answering this question at all.
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I answered the gaming thing in the two earlier posts.
You Need to know black and white of what her view on gaming is. The reason why I got on the whole maturity thing is you still don't know this question and you are getting married today? This throws up a Ton of red flags man.
It is a very simple question "How do you feel about Video games and the fact that they are my hobby?"
Mine was simple, she wasn't a gamer but didn't mind games. So I found a game she liked and turned her into a gamer. However the polar example that I gave earlier is I know a ton of people who have a spouse who had a negative perception of gaming. Those marriages ended up catastrophically. If you read what I said in all three posts you will see where I tied it all together. It all boils down to the maturity of decision making. I mean if she doesn't even know this part of your life, what else doesn't she know? What don't you know about her? So many questions that need to be answered for a marriage to be successful...not answered.
I hope by now you have heard that communication is key in a marriage. No communication = doomed. If you can't communicate over something like video games by the time you are about to walk down the isle, that bodes badly man. Again, not trying to bash you or derail. My argument is based around the info you asked about and the fact that you have essentially dodged around bringing up this subject with her.
Nothing else I can say at this point. I wish you luck and I hope this is a happy day for you.
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On September 30 2011 23:46 Datz2Ez wrote:Show nested quote +On September 30 2011 23:29 Dekoth wrote:On September 30 2011 10:41 Datz2Ez wrote:On September 30 2011 09:51 Dekoth wrote:
So if you are just going to shoot down anyone's advice that you don't like, why did you even post this thread? If you wanted us to just say Congrats on your marriage and be done with it, you should of posted as much. Granted most of the comments here are from people who don't know what they are talking about (single), There are however a number of comments from people who have been married who clearly do.
21 is too young..Period. Anyone who disagrees is single or isn't old enough to know better. I got married at 19 like I said, I speak from experience.
Gaming believe it or not can become a deal breaker. There is many women who get really bent out of shape over video games. I have seen marriages ended due to control issues over video games and I am not even talking about guys who abused it. I have a close friend who was a gamer and got married to a non gamer who hated games. He only played 2 hours a week and Only when she was watching TV. She would rage about it despite ignoring it while they were dating. Somehow in her mind watching TV was more acceptable than him playing a video game. If you don't know your girls stance on Games, you need to know and know now. Otherwise expect it to be a problem.
Minor problems become major problems as the years go by. This is a cold simple truth. If it is a minor annoyance to her now, in 5 years it will be a huge arguing point.
Take the advice for what it is worth. If you didn't actually want it, well then Congrats and good luck. I hope you don't turn out like the majority of people do who make half informed decisions going into a marriage. No, the fact is that you do not understand well the point of this thread. This is not about me. This is not about if my decision is good or bad. I do not wish do discuss this with you nor with anyone else since this is my choice. I think that I have this maturity, I grew up faster then most people did. I went in appartement at 17, I had the time to rebel myself, question myself quit school go back again and finaly found who I was. Do not think I took this decision lightly, I talked alot with my girlfriend and my parents before making a move. So now, stop talking about me please. The fact that you got married at 19 and failed doesn't mean nobody can ever do that and succeed. You're life doesn't represent everyone else life. Now if you wish to discuss about this thread, tell us what failed in your relationship and what could have been done better in order that everyone benifit from your experience. Bold 1 - You don't have the maturity you think you do. I thought I was extremely mature at that age as well. Owned a car, owned my own townhouse (no support from my parents), Never quit school, joined the military and served 4 years etc etc. I as well as my wife were both extremely mature at that time. Yet reflecting back, we hardly understood maturity completely and in reality we were not nearly as mature as we thought. If we had been, many different decisions would of been made. Bold 2 - You did, sorry to say. This all boils down to point 1. I am not bashing you, I am trying to stop you from making a decision that you will regret in 10 years or less. If she is the one, waiting a few more years won't change anything. Live together, things change trust me. My marriage didn't fail. We have been married 13 years now and have 2 children. That doesn't mean our decision at that time was correct. We endured because of a number of reasons, but the fact remains is both of us acknowledge that the decision we made at 19 would of better been made at 24/25. That is all I am going to say. You wanted advice, you got it. Take it, leave it I don't care. However happy marriage or not, my words will be remembered in the future when you are old enough to realize the mistake you are making. Again, not saying Don't marry her..I am saying to wait. Good luck Apologies, but I still don't understand your point and what you base yourself uppon to say that. I did not finish maturing, that is for sure. I will not argue that. The brain itself is not fully functional until the early 30s I can't argue this point. My point is that I have the maturity and the will to do what needs to be done in order to obtain success. Then, you say that I did, explain your point and why I did this. Because before proposing, I took 6 month to think. I had several discussion with my parents wich are both married for over 20 years. I talked to alot of elder to view their tought on my choice. How could I have take this decision more seriously? Then, I didn't want this kind of advice, it is completly out of subject. I was asking on how you handle you're game habit with your mate. You are not answering this question at all.
He probably isn't answering the question because the question is asked in the wrong way.
Your hobby and wether you are married or not having nothing to do with each other.
It's about living on your own or living together with someone (married or not), and as you don't have any experience living together with her, there is no way to tell how it might affect your gaming. If you had lived together with her for a year, it would have been a totally different story.
I lived together with my Ex for a 6 years on and off (i moved a lot but had several phases where i lived with her) and we both played games (alone or together) most of the time since we both were (and are) gamers.
The times when i moved in with her i usually played a little less because we were happy to live together again and a few weeks later we were always back to the usual gaming routine of work -> eating something together (either at the PCs or at the table) -> playing games -> watching a movie before going to bed -> sleep.
It wouldn't have changed if we had married, mostly because marriage is just a symbolic act without any real personal consequences (only lots and lots of legal consequences).
Also:
You will find out in a few years that he was right all along.
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On September 30 2011 02:15 Defacer wrote:
SC2 helped me deal with my anxiety, but I really should be using the time to you know, become a better human being. If I spent as much time reading or drawing as I do on SC2, I'd probably be much better off.
I actually find Starcraft makes me a better human being, and does a better job at it than something like drawing. I'm constantly finding life lessons within it.
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With my daughter, it's a good thing SC 2 is a pro-spectator sport. I sure can't ensure anytime I would play, day or night, that i would be able to finish with a pause, or outright having to leave game. Yes it hurts, but i love her. Once she turns three, i'll teach her protoss and practice.
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On September 30 2011 13:51 crms wrote:Show nested quote +On September 30 2011 13:39 Datz2Ez wrote:On September 30 2011 13:12 Dhalphir wrote:
Getting married without living together is objectively fucking stupid.
Regardless of your reasons for it, or whether you have success stories from other people you know, it is a less intelligent move and will increase the chance that you may find you are not at all compatible.
You do NOT know someone until you have lived with them. Fact. On what do you base yourself to say 'objectively fucking stupid'. What do you objectively know about me or my girlfriend? What do you objectively know about our relationship? You only have 2 data in an equation that is way more complicated then a+b=c You're too emotionally attached to this situation to realize why this is an objectively poor decision. Sorry but it's the truth. GL HF though, I don't mean to make you look bad, that's pointless. You have some major statistical mountains to get over; all the luck, you're going to need every bit of it.
This kind of personal analysis requires us knowing Datz2Ez much better than a few forum posts will allow. It's a stereotypical way of looking at things, and while we're all familiar with that infatuated couple who are more in love with the idea of being in love than with each other it is hasty to lump the Datz2Ez in with that sad bunch.
Statistics aside, divorce is a realistic possibility that isn't really as frightening to me as being stuck in a poor marriage. Yes, it is a good idea to live together, but sometimes that isn't possible. I'm rooting for you Datz. I got married without having lived together (her family is quite religious) at the age of 21, and so far I'm as happy as anything and I find lots (if somewhat less) time for gaming. You can do it too.
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Married gamer since 2003. 2 kids age 4 and 6. i am born in 1978.
Some back ground:
I got into gameing ever since dune II and was going to lan party's when i met my wife, so it was no suprise to her what my hobby was. I work in IT and need to travel alot for my job.
My personal views about gaming ever since i got married:
Not much changed as long as you both respect each others hobby's/passion and you dont go overboard there shoudnt be an issue. OFC as soon as you do go acting crazy about your hobby she is going to complain. But i dont see the difference between gaming 2 much and spending every night in the gym for hours hours straight cause you like the feeling when you are sporting.
My personal views after kids on gaming:
There is no fucking time. Between job/keeping your wife happy/spending time with your kids. Gaming is a nice extra in your life you can perhaps still be a gamer at heart like i am but you can forget about playing at a decent lvl. I am not complaining kids are so much more important then any league blizzard has to offer and thanks to e-sports and visa, i can still enjoy lots of stuff like GSL/NASL/MLG.
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The specific answer to this question is entirely dependent on the relationship you have with your soon-to-be wife, and really something only you and her can figure out. The best things for any marriage are clarity of communication, mutual understanding of expectations, and self-awareness, both of one's own desires and of how one's behavior affects one's family. Be clear about your own expectations in marriage, respect your wife's expectations, and try to work together to build a mutually-respectful and affectionate relationship. (As a side note, anyone who is about to get married, just got married, or has been married for a long time should check out "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman; Dr. Chapman's metaphors are a bit corny, but he honestly has the best advice I have ever read on how to build a meaningful, lasting relationship with another person).
That said - when it comes to gaming, I think it is entirely healthy as a married man to have hobbies that interest you, even if they do not interest your wife. If gaming is one of those hobbies, then have at it - although marriage can be the most rewarding thing in your entire life, you do still need interests outside of your family and your work. If you expect to play games all the time to the exclusion of your work or family, then you will be disappointed in marriage, but if you make it clear to your wife that having some time to yourself for gaming is important to you and are sufficiently self-aware to ensure that you do not pursue gaming to the exclusion of your family, then there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't be able to enjoy video games as a married man. It might be a little late for this advice now, but the best thing you can do is be upfront about this issue with your wife: as long as she knows that this is important to you, and that it will not somehow dominate your life and replace your affection for her, then she should be perfectly happy to respect your gaming time, even if she doesn't understand your passion for the hobby.
Also, just because your wife isn't as interested in gaming as you are doesn't mean that you can't find some common ground on the subject. For example, my wife is not a "gamer" in the traditional sense - she is entirely uninterested in competitive video games like Starcraft II or Call of Duty, which I enjoy. However, she does have a nerdy streak and enjoys a good story, so she and I have often bonded over various RPGs (KOTOR, Dragon Age, etc.). She also likes puzzle games (for example, Sudokus or Bejeweled), so sometimes we play those together. Gaming is actually an incredibly diverse hobby, with plenty of ways for people to get involved. Just because your significant other isn't interested in Starcraft II doesn't mean that they are entirely uninterested in gaming. Show interest in their hobbies, find out what they like, and try to find ways to introduce them to gaming via their own interests. If they are still uninterested in gaming, then you'll have lost nothing and learned a great deal about what your wife enjoys!
EDIT: Also, statistics concerning divorce rates are an awful way to figure out whether or not you should get married. Lots of people get divorced; lots of people also have loving and fulfilling relationships that last their entire lives. Ultimately, which category you end up in is up to your decision and your actions, not the result of some law of statistical averages. Best of luck on your wedding day, and a happy marriage hereafter!
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I don't see how this should affect too much. To me, marriage is just a contract that means virtually nothing. It's just kind of saying "yes, I am committed", so you might have to cut down a little bit to show her you mean it, but it should in no way destroy your love for gaming. There's plenty of dads/husbands on TL here that can balance successfully.
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Ahhh, as someone mentioned, the eternal dilemma between girls and games. This thread is mighty interesting, thank you O.P. for raising the subject.
I'm 27 and have been happily married for 5 years with 2 kids now (4 and 1 y.o.), but unfortunately I haven't been able to fully sort the time constraints. Even though she has been very comprehensive, I have faced 3 major issues when it comes to my gaming habits:
1 Even though she likes movies a lot, they are not much on the "hobby" category as they are on the "friendly noise" side of things, thus I'm not fully able to support her hobbys in order to achieve balance.
2 She's a non-gamer, and since we live in México, the cultural background still considers videogames as childish, thus it has been much harder to convince her that it's not a waste of time (her absolute trust in me has helped a lot though :D) and it's hard to find external support when problems arise.
3 This one is something I really have to work on: I used to be a REALLY hardcore gamer before getting married (18+ hours sessions for several days straight) thus even I have deeply cut the game time (2~3 hours daily, 6+ on weekends) It's still too invasive when it comes to the amount of time I spend with her and the children. Specially with SC2 where I can't pause, I have a lot of "Sure, I'll do it as soon as the match finishes" that pisses her off, because most of my wake time at home is spent on the game, thus making her feel "second". Right now we talk only after the kids are already asleep and I'm mentally exhausted, thus communication is not the best. I really need to set a time after work where we can just talk, because right now it's not enough.
I can say that gaming is indeed getting into the way with my marriage (by no means a deal breaker, but something that needs attention now before it gets to that). But, in all honesty, sorting these kind of things in order to achieve a better relationship, it's exactly why we got married. It's not so much about having the perfect harmony, but we feel the salt and pepper about marriage is enjoying the path that will lead to whatever version of it we build
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On October 01 2011 04:39 Rash wrote:
Ahhh, as someone mentioned, the eternal dilemma between girls and games. This thread is mighty interesting, thank you O.P. for raising the subject.
I'm 27 and have been happily married for 5 years with 2 kids now (4 and 1 y.o.), but unfortunately I haven't been able to fully sort the time constraints. Even though she has been very comprehensive, I have faced 3 major issues when it comes to my gaming habits:
1 Even though she likes movies a lot, they are not much on the "hobby" category as they are on the "friendly noise" side of things, thus I'm not fully able to support her hobbys in order to achieve balance.
2 She's a non-gamer, and since we live in México, the cultural background still considers videogames as childish, thus it has been much harder to convince her that it's not a waste of time (her absolute trust in me has helped a lot though :D) and it's hard to find external support when problems arise.
3 This one is something I really have to work on: I used to be a REALLY hardcore gamer before getting married (18+ hours sessions for several days straight) thus even I have deeply cut the game time (2~3 hours daily, 6+ on weekends) It's still too invasive when it comes to the amount of time I spend with her and the children. Specially with SC2 where I can't pause, I have a lot of "Sure, I'll do it as soon as the match finishes" that pisses her off, because most of my wake time at home is spent on the game, thus making her feel "second". Right now we talk only after the kids are already asleep and I'm mentally exhausted, thus communication is not the best. I really need to set a time after work where we can just talk, because right now it's not enough.
I can say that gaming is indeed getting into the way with my marriage (by no means a deal breaker, but something that needs attention now before it gets to that). But, in all honesty, sorting these kind of things in order to achieve a better relationship, it's exactly why we got married. It's not so much about having the perfect harmony, but we feel the salt and pepper about marriage is enjoying the path that will lead to whatever version of it we build
Bravo! There is no perfect relationship, but as long as people communicate with each other, there are very few true obstacles to a happy family life.
Much happiness to you and your family.
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On September 30 2011 23:57 Dekoth wrote:
I answered the gaming thing in the two earlier posts.
You Need to know black and white of what her view on gaming is. The reason why I got on the whole maturity thing is you still don't know this question and you are getting married today? This throws up a Ton of red flags man.
It is a very simple question "How do you feel about Video games and the fact that they are my hobby?"
Mine was simple, she wasn't a gamer but didn't mind games. So I found a game she liked and turned her into a gamer. However the polar example that I gave earlier is I know a ton of people who have a spouse who had a negative perception of gaming. Those marriages ended up catastrophically. If you read what I said in all three posts you will see where I tied it all together. It all boils down to the maturity of decision making. I mean if she doesn't even know this part of your life, what else doesn't she know? What don't you know about her? So many questions that need to be answered for a marriage to be successful...not answered.
I hope by now you have heard that communication is key in a marriage. No communication = doomed. If you can't communicate over something like video games by the time you are about to walk down the isle, that bodes badly man. Again, not trying to bash you or derail. My argument is based around the info you asked about and the fact that you have essentially dodged around bringing up this subject with her.
Nothing else I can say at this point. I wish you luck and I hope this is a happy day for you.
I never express my point of view on gaming in marriage. I think I know how it will work, we talked about it in the past (obviously) and ended on some good conclusion. Obviously I know her hobby, she knows mine, etc. In 3 1/2 years we had the time to know eachother's passion.
I was just curious about what where other people problems. How did they fix it, etc. Is it that wrong?
Thank you for you're point of view. Appreciate
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On September 30 2011 02:06 Linkirvana wrote:
Am I the only one that doesn't really see how marriage would make a difference?
I think there's a big difference. In a relationship, you can still act selfishly as much as you want with the worst-case-scenario being that you break up and you have more time to game.
Once you're married, you've (hopefully) made the commitment to put this person's needs above your own. I mean, obviously people can make that commitment without being hitched but by the time you're married you damn well better have done that.
This is the person you have made up your mind to live with until you drop dead so you better start learning how to live together. And that means making it work. It means no more acting selfishly and waiting for someone who gives less of a shit to come around.
At least that's my take.
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Some real good advices in this thread, I'm not ready to get married yet (22 years old) but I'll have to tackle a lot of the key issues mentioned here in a couple years. I'll absorb the advices here (with a grain of salt, of course) and brace myself! Thanks for the discussion guys~
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EPT
