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I have been married for almost 10 years now. Have 2 beautiful kids that I am in love with. My wife and I are both working hard to provide everything for our family, we rarely go out, almost never, but we get along. I am just going to say what happened 2 days ago which was the reason for a big fight to occur.
My wife went to Madrid,Spain for a business trip from Thursday till Saturday. On friday our daughter has to go to ballet lessons but I happened to have a surgery that day and I couldnt make it in time so her mother offered on thursday night that if I wasnt able to make it on time on friday she would take my daughter to that ballet class. So now comes saturday, wife returns from her business trip, all she keeps asking me about is what surgery I had, why it took so many hours, with which doctor I was with and things like that. I didnt really mind and gave her answers but inside me I was like why the hell is she suddently asking all these questions. anyway in the morning we all go to a playground for the kids and us to drink a coffee and relax and talk. After that finishes we start getting home, again something about my surgery comes up and im telling her the exact time I finished. So my surgery was from 8 in the morning till 16:00 and the ballet class was on 16:30. So she is like, if you finished at 16:00 why didnt you take our daughter to the ballet class. I was like, because I wouldnt make it in time and also I was very tired and hungry at that time so I thought it was best for your mom to take her. So she starts telling me I dont care about our children that I only care about myself etc. So we get home and she gets a 2hour sleep with our son and my daughter goes upstairs to my inlaws, I go outside the house because there has been a massive car accident so I go to check on it. After 2 hours I return, so my wife suddently tells me about a chair I brought from my parents house that Ive put to sit on the desk I have my laptop where at nights I can relax, play video games or whatever I wanna do. So we get into a really big fight about that particular chair and that she wants it out of the house and if I wanna use a chair I should take one from our living room or my daughter's chair, and I tell her no, these are uncomfortable I like this chair and this chair will stay here no matter what, so she tells me if I dont take back the chair she will either throw it in the garbage and that at night time she will turn off the internet to make me angry and that she doesnt care at all what I want. So I tell her I cant stand her controlling behavior and that this is not normal anymore to be asking this. And then she tells me if you dont like it go stay at your parents house because this is my house and I dont want you here if u like that chair. So I packed my things and left with the chair and now im living at my parents house. This happened on saturday.
PS: before she left for madrid she was telling me how good everything is between us and how happy she is, she even sent me a text from madrid saying she misses me alot and that we should go out the two of us one night. I really do not know what to say. Im sick of being controlled , im a grown up man and I would like to make decisions on my own. If it werent for our kids I would have taken a divorce seriously coz enough with all this BS.
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Three thoughts/questions:
Has she ever reacted like that before? As in, has she seemingly flipped between happy and angry/combative without warning?
Is there any chance that you are ignoring or avoiding other stuff that might have played a role in bringing this sequence of events about?
In the event that she has not acted like this before, my gut tells me that there is something else going on, either in her life or with regards to your marriage generally speaking. Is there any question of if the two of you are faithful to one another?
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Sounds like there's something deeper going on than just the chair and surgery. I could guess all kinds of things but wouldn't make sense not knowing your personalities or history. Guess my advice would be to see a counselor so that you can both say what's on your mind to each other in a controlled environment. Once you both know what the other is thinking then you can make a decision about divorce.
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Northern Ireland23286 Posts
Is this a typical thing? I had an ex who would occasionally freak out like that, but for the most part it was fine. If it was a continual pattern of behaviour I don’t think I could have tolerated it, but it was both rare and also explicable by a mental health problem she had.
There would be a big difference in my position/advice from there depending on if she’s this controlling all the time, or if she has occasional bizarre outbursts like you outlined.
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On September 30 2019 03:01 Starlightsun wrote:
Sounds like there's something deeper going on than just the chair and surgery. I could guess all kinds of things but wouldn't make sense not knowing your personalities or history. Guess my advice would be to see a counselor so that you can both say what's on your mind to each other in a controlled environment. Once you both know what the other is thinking then you can make a decision about divorce.
History wise, years ago we went to a counselor and I moved my gaming PC to my parents house so I wont play alot of hours or in front of the kids which was fine by me. so the counselor said to my wife that she cant make me do whatever she wants, so we agreed when the kids fall asleep at night I can sit on said PC. Since I started my own business I now have a new laptop I had to buy and I can play games on it and she flipped out about it. Bottom line is , im sick being controlled by my wife and do whatever she wants. I am not her toy. And everytime I try to discuss with her things she just ignores everything.
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On September 30 2019 02:59 farvacola wrote:
Three thoughts/questions:
Has she ever reacted like that before? As in, has she seemingly flipped between happy and angry/combative without warning?
Is there any chance that you are ignoring or avoiding other stuff that might have played a role in bringing this sequence of events about?
In the event that she has not acted like this before, my gut tells me that there is something else going on, either in her life or with regards to your marriage generally speaking. Is there any question of if the two of you are faithful to one another?
First question. Yes she has.
Avoiding sitting with her at nights watching what she likes to watch on the TV and sitting on my laptop which is agreed on beforehand.
We are faithful to one other, at least I can talk about myself, I dont know if she has found someone else....
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Northern Ireland23286 Posts
On September 30 2019 04:04 ffswowsucks wrote:Show nested quote +On September 30 2019 03:01 Starlightsun wrote:
Sounds like there's something deeper going on than just the chair and surgery. I could guess all kinds of things but wouldn't make sense not knowing your personalities or history. Guess my advice would be to see a counselor so that you can both say what's on your mind to each other in a controlled environment. Once you both know what the other is thinking then you can make a decision about divorce. History wise, years ago we went to a counselor and I moved my gaming PC to my parents house so I wont play alot of hours or in front of the kids which was fine by me. so the counselor said to my wife that she cant make me do whatever she wants, so we agreed when the kids fall asleep at night I can sit on said PC. Since I started my own business I now have a new laptop I had to buy and I can play games on it and she flipped out about it. Bottom line is , im sick being controlled by my wife and do whatever she wants. I am not her toy. And everytime I try to discuss with her things she just ignores everything.
Did she make any compromises after seeing the counsellor or was it just you cutting down on your hobby?
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On September 30 2019 04:09 Wombat_NI wrote:Show nested quote +On September 30 2019 04:04 ffswowsucks wrote:On September 30 2019 03:01 Starlightsun wrote:
Sounds like there's something deeper going on than just the chair and surgery. I could guess all kinds of things but wouldn't make sense not knowing your personalities or history. Guess my advice would be to see a counselor so that you can both say what's on your mind to each other in a controlled environment. Once you both know what the other is thinking then you can make a decision about divorce. History wise, years ago we went to a counselor and I moved my gaming PC to my parents house so I wont play alot of hours or in front of the kids which was fine by me. so the counselor said to my wife that she cant make me do whatever she wants, so we agreed when the kids fall asleep at night I can sit on said PC. Since I started my own business I now have a new laptop I had to buy and I can play games on it and she flipped out about it. Bottom line is , im sick being controlled by my wife and do whatever she wants. I am not her toy. And everytime I try to discuss with her things she just ignores everything. Did she make any compromises after seeing the counsellor or was it just you cutting down on your hobby?
Me cutting down on my hobby. I was a long time PC-gamer as she would call me, but I decided to quit everything for her and the kids. I mean she had a point. If my kids watch me play video games in the future they will want to play as well (altho I have my objections to this way of thinking). My wife doesnt give 2 shits about me or what I want, she only wants to do whats "best" for her kids.
Also another thing I d like to point out is that my wife is really really close with her parents. They were immigrants in my country years ago and they are very secretive and each night she would go upstairs to talk with them for 1 hour or something, I mean that really pisses me off as well because she is working at her parents company so she is seeing them and talking with them every day in the morning. im just sick of it, really. ever since I married her its like I also married her parents. She can t make decisions on her own, she always has to discuss with them before doing something. Also I forgot to mention, I told her that I wanted to bring that chair and at first she was like "yeah ok lets discuss this when I get home". I took the initiative and brought the chair at our house anyway. I mean that whole chair thing is pissing me off the more I think of it. in a normal family if a husband goes out and buys a chair he likes (there are some really nice gaming chairs right now out in the market) was he gonna get all this BS from his wife and if YES would he tolerate all this? How much more do I have to back down from things I like......... this is seriously hurting my mental health, I also need to be happy in my life and not be controlled by my wife for the sake of our kids.
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Northern Ireland23286 Posts
On September 30 2019 04:19 ffswowsucks wrote:Show nested quote +On September 30 2019 04:09 Wombat_NI wrote:On September 30 2019 04:04 ffswowsucks wrote:On September 30 2019 03:01 Starlightsun wrote:
Sounds like there's something deeper going on than just the chair and surgery. I could guess all kinds of things but wouldn't make sense not knowing your personalities or history. Guess my advice would be to see a counselor so that you can both say what's on your mind to each other in a controlled environment. Once you both know what the other is thinking then you can make a decision about divorce. History wise, years ago we went to a counselor and I moved my gaming PC to my parents house so I wont play alot of hours or in front of the kids which was fine by me. so the counselor said to my wife that she cant make me do whatever she wants, so we agreed when the kids fall asleep at night I can sit on said PC. Since I started my own business I now have a new laptop I had to buy and I can play games on it and she flipped out about it. Bottom line is , im sick being controlled by my wife and do whatever she wants. I am not her toy. And everytime I try to discuss with her things she just ignores everything. Did she make any compromises after seeing the counsellor or was it just you cutting down on your hobby? Me cutting down on my hobby. I was a long time PC-gamer as she would call me, but I decided to quit everything for her and the kids. I mean she had a point. If my kids watch me play video games in the future they will want to play as well (altho I have my objections to this way of thinking). My wife doesnt give 2 shits about me or what I want, she only wants to do whats "best" for her kids. Also another thing I d like to point out is that my wife is really really close with her parents. They were immigrants in my country years ago and they are very secretive and each night she would go upstairs to talk with them for 1 hour or something, I mean that really pisses me off as well because she is working at her parents company so she is seeing them and talking with them every day in the morning. im just sick of it, really. ever since I married her its like I also married her parents. She can t make decisions on her own, she always has to discuss with them before doing something. Also I forgot to mention, I told her that I wanted to bring that chair and at first she was like "yeah ok lets discuss this when I get home". I took the initiative and brought the chair at our house anyway. I mean that whole chair thing is pissing me off the more I think of it. in a normal family if a husband goes out and buys a chair he likes (there are some really nice gaming chairs right now out in the market) was he gonna get all this BS from his wife and if YES would he tolerate all this? How much more do I have to back down from things I like......... this is seriously hurting my mental health, I also need to be happy in my life and not be controlled by my wife for the sake of our kids.
Moderated gaming isn’t even detrimental to development, if anything it can be beneficial.
My ex likes that my kid plays games with me precisely because I’ve been playing them for 23 years now and can moderate his use better than anyone else she knows, and actively play with him. His reading has got a lot better since I snuck it in by buying Pokemon Let’s Go and forcing him to try and read the text boxes for example.
It sounds like you’d prefer to resolve these issues but are struggling for a way to have a real honest discussion with your wife, which is totally understandable. It’s extremely difficult to tell someone the things that drive you crazy about them, and counselling is only as good as each participants willingness to engage.
Did you explore your feelings on these matters in counselling at all?
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On September 30 2019 04:33 Wombat_NI wrote:Show nested quote +On September 30 2019 04:19 ffswowsucks wrote:On September 30 2019 04:09 Wombat_NI wrote:On September 30 2019 04:04 ffswowsucks wrote:On September 30 2019 03:01 Starlightsun wrote:
Sounds like there's something deeper going on than just the chair and surgery. I could guess all kinds of things but wouldn't make sense not knowing your personalities or history. Guess my advice would be to see a counselor so that you can both say what's on your mind to each other in a controlled environment. Once you both know what the other is thinking then you can make a decision about divorce. History wise, years ago we went to a counselor and I moved my gaming PC to my parents house so I wont play alot of hours or in front of the kids which was fine by me. so the counselor said to my wife that she cant make me do whatever she wants, so we agreed when the kids fall asleep at night I can sit on said PC. Since I started my own business I now have a new laptop I had to buy and I can play games on it and she flipped out about it. Bottom line is , im sick being controlled by my wife and do whatever she wants. I am not her toy. And everytime I try to discuss with her things she just ignores everything. Did she make any compromises after seeing the counsellor or was it just you cutting down on your hobby? Me cutting down on my hobby. I was a long time PC-gamer as she would call me, but I decided to quit everything for her and the kids. I mean she had a point. If my kids watch me play video games in the future they will want to play as well (altho I have my objections to this way of thinking). My wife doesnt give 2 shits about me or what I want, she only wants to do whats "best" for her kids. Also another thing I d like to point out is that my wife is really really close with her parents. They were immigrants in my country years ago and they are very secretive and each night she would go upstairs to talk with them for 1 hour or something, I mean that really pisses me off as well because she is working at her parents company so she is seeing them and talking with them every day in the morning. im just sick of it, really. ever since I married her its like I also married her parents. She can t make decisions on her own, she always has to discuss with them before doing something. Also I forgot to mention, I told her that I wanted to bring that chair and at first she was like "yeah ok lets discuss this when I get home". I took the initiative and brought the chair at our house anyway. I mean that whole chair thing is pissing me off the more I think of it. in a normal family if a husband goes out and buys a chair he likes (there are some really nice gaming chairs right now out in the market) was he gonna get all this BS from his wife and if YES would he tolerate all this? How much more do I have to back down from things I like......... this is seriously hurting my mental health, I also need to be happy in my life and not be controlled by my wife for the sake of our kids. Moderated gaming isn’t even detrimental to development, if anything it can be beneficial. My ex likes that my kid plays games with me precisely because I’ve been playing them for 23 years now and can moderate his use better than anyone else she knows, and actively play with him. His reading has got a lot better since I snuck it in by buying Pokemon Let’s Go and forcing him to try and read the text boxes for example. It sounds like you’d prefer to resolve these issues but are struggling for a way to have a real honest discussion with your wife, which is totally understandable. It’s extremely difficult to tell someone the things that drive you crazy about them, and counselling is only as good as each participants willingness to engage. Did you explore your feelings on these matters in counselling at all?
everyone thinks im addicted to gaming.
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to be honest your story is so full of specific personal details about specific conversations that i don't think anyone can give you proper advice. the advice you get from people is going to be tinted by their relationship experiences, which aren't always relevant to your relationship.
any time the issue is a long, back-and-forth series of tense misunderstandings and arguments the real solution is to get to the bottom of each other's feelings. if you care for your wife then make her feel safe telling you what's really going on in her mind. if she can't do this for you anymore then it may be time to move on.
it doesn't matter if she said something unreasonable, what matters is how hard you both want to try. force the conversation, it's the only way. if you can't communicate there's no relationship.
ps if "everyone thinks you're addicted to gaming" you should consider if maybe you are. addiction is hard to admit.
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On September 30 2019 09:19 brickrd wrote:
to be honest your story is so full of specific personal details about specific conversations that i don't think anyone can give you proper advice. the advice you get from people is going to be tinted by their relationship experiences, which aren't always relevant to your relationship.
any time the issue is a long, back-and-forth series of tense misunderstandings and arguments the real solution is to get to the bottom of each other's feelings. if you care for your wife then make her feel safe telling you what's really going on in her mind. if she can't do this for you anymore then it may be time to move on.
it doesn't matter if she said something unreasonable, what matters is how hard you both want to try. force the conversation, it's the only way. if you can't communicate there's no relationship.
ps if "everyone thinks you're addicted to gaming" you should consider if maybe you are. addiction is hard to admit.
My wife's side of the story is this. By bringing this chair you are going to be more comfortable sitting there thus you can sit there more hours opposed to sitting in a chair that makes your back hurt. Now is that a valid reason for such a "either you take that chair back or you are out of the house". And playing only 3 4 hours a night and im not actually playing, listening music reading articles, does thst make me an addicted person? Also some nights I didnt even sit on my laptop and sat with my wife to watch tv to show her that when she isnt busting my balls and talks like a normal person i dont need it. Which reminded me to tell you that nowadays i find myself bored of most games i must do it from reaction to my wifes controlling behavior and because everytime we get to talk she just orders me to do something. For example, go help my parents with their luggage, go pick my dad from the airport, go buy milk, go fix something etc.
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Norway28521 Posts
My honest opinion;
3-4 hours of time for yourself every night when you have two kids (that I assume are at most 9 and prolly more like between 2 and 6 years old?) and a wife does not sound like a reasonable expectation. I definitely think it is important that you have some time for yourself to unwind, and I most certainly understand that you don't want to spend whatever leisure time you have watching whatever boring shows your wife likes to watch, but her expectation that you spend more of your leisure time together with her to me sounds totally fair. (However, there should be room for you suggesting something different from just watching tv, at the very least, you should have equal say in what you watch. )
This particular aspect, that you think you should still have this much time now that you are a parent, is arguably something you have to adjust about yourself, at least until your kids become teenagers and are much more self sufficient.
However, that's a separate issue from your wife seemingly being a terrible communicator, and perhaps the issue that the two of you just aren't very fond of each other anymore. The way you describe her makes it seem like either she is completely unreasonable as a person, or that you view her so negatively that you exaggerate her bad qualities to make her seem completely unreasonable. Neither of those two is good for a marriage, obviously. A big fight is not a reason to break up a 10 year relationship, but a constant feel of walking on eggshells, of not liking each other but merely coexisting for the benefit of your children, definitely can be.
Ultimately it's impossible for anyone here to really give you valid advice because we don't know enough about you, and certainly not enough about her, even if you describe her to the best of your ability. But my tentative suggestion would be something akin to have a good, long, calm conversation with your wife where you acknowledge that you have been spending too much time by yourself, where you suggest some common activities you can engage in that the both of you would enjoy, and where you have a period where you try to do this (cut your own gaming/computer time from 3-4 hours to 1-2 hours per day, perhaps have some longer occasional weekend bursts instead) and see if it improves how she communicates with you. To me it seems like you spending so much time by yourself is like a festering relationship-wound from her perspective, and that this influences her behavior towards you in a really negative way, making her seem entirely unreasonable, and that maybe if you spent somewhat less time, she would become a more positively inclined version of herself.
Also important to know how young your kids are tbh. Imo, you should consider the first ~5 years or so a kind of state of emergency where your own personal desires and priorities are secondary to that of the family unit as a whole.
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On September 30 2019 16:32 Liquid`Drone wrote:
My honest opinion;
3-4 hours of time for yourself every night when you have two kids (that I assume are at most 9 and prolly more like between 2 and 6 years old?) and a wife does not sound like a reasonable expectation. I definitely think it is important that you have some time for yourself to unwind, and I most certainly understand that you don't want to spend whatever leisure time you have watching whatever boring shows your wife likes to watch, but her expectation that you spend more of your leisure time together with her to me sounds totally fair. (However, there should be room for you suggesting something different from just watching tv, at the very least, you should have equal say in what you watch. )
This particular aspect, that you think you should still have this much time now that you are a parent, is arguably something you have to adjust about yourself, at least until your kids become teenagers and are much more self sufficient.
However, that's a separate issue from your wife seemingly being a terrible communicator, and perhaps the issue that the two of you just aren't very fond of each other anymore. The way you describe her makes it seem like either she is completely unreasonable as a person, or that you view her so negatively that you exaggerate her bad qualities to make her seem completely unreasonable. Neither of those two is good for a marriage, obviously. A big fight is not a reason to break up a 10 year relationship, but a constant feel of walking on eggshells, of not liking each other but merely coexisting for the benefit of your children, definitely can be.
Ultimately it's impossible for anyone here to really give you valid advice because we don't know enough about you, and certainly not enough about her, even if you describe her to the best of your ability. But my tentative suggestion would be something akin to have a good, long, calm conversation with your wife where you acknowledge that you have been spending too much time by yourself, where you suggest some common activities you can engage in that the both of you would enjoy, and where you have a period where you try to do this (cut your own gaming/computer time from 3-4 hours to 1-2 hours per day, perhaps have some longer occasional weekend bursts instead) and see if it improves how she communicates with you. To me it seems like you spending so much time by yourself is like a festering relationship-wound from her perspective, and that this influences her behavior towards you in a really negative way, making her seem entirely unreasonable, and that maybe if you spent somewhat less time, she would become a more positively inclined version of herself.
Also important to know how young your kids are tbh. Imo, you should consider the first ~5 years or so a kind of state of emergency where your own personal desires and priorities are secondary to that of the family unit as a whole.
Thank you drone! Id like to mention that between 3 4 that I finish work till 8 i am spending my time with my kids and wife. To answer my kids age, my daughter just turned 6 and my son is 19months old. Also id like to mention that when my daughter was 2y old i also left the house for a long time and that really made my daughter different.(afraid of losing me etc). I am in a really tough spot at the moment. I wanna go back home honestly but if I go then i will be defeated as a man and my wife will just think she definately has control over me for anything.
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Norway28521 Posts
Ya, I understand that. I think being in a relationship that feels like a power struggle sounds terrible.
That you spend time with kids and wife between 3-4 and 8 is good, obviously. But the way it sounds to me, is that you spend time with kids between 3-4 and 8, that you do a good job as a father, and that you after that want to / have need for time for yourself. In a way, (and I'm not saying this to disparage, really), it reads almost a bit like you feel your 'family duties' end at 8 pm, after you've spent the rest of the day working and taking care of your family.
But your family does not end with your children, your wife might also have the need to spend some time with you without the kids around as well. I do think it's entirely fair that you do something more fun than 'watch stuff', and that if all she wants to do is 'watch stuff', and you don't have veto power in what to watch, you can actually do your own thing instead.
If the two of you cannot find a common activity that you will both enjoy spending 1-2 hours every other day or so on, that.. doesn't sound good.
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On September 30 2019 19:31 Liquid`Drone wrote:
Ya, I understand that. I think being in a relationship that feels like a power struggle sounds terrible.
That you spend time with kids and wife between 3-4 and 8 is good, obviously. But the way it sounds to me, is that you spend time with kids between 3-4 and 8, that you do a good job as a father, and that you after that want to / have need for time for yourself. In a way, (and I'm not saying this to disparage, really), it reads almost a bit like you feel your 'family duties' end at 8 pm, after you've spent the rest of the day working and taking care of your family.
But your family does not end with your children, your wife might also have the need to spend some time with you without the kids around as well. I do think it's entirely fair that you do something more fun than 'watch stuff', and that if all she wants to do is 'watch stuff', and you don't have veto power in what to watch, you can actually do your own thing instead.
If the two of you cannot find a common activity that you will both enjoy spending 1-2 hours every other day or so on, that.. doesn't sound good.
I cant think of anything to do with her in house. If we were like any other couple that once in a while goes out and spend time with other couples then we would be great. but no. she doesnt want that because the nanny is too expensive she says for that.
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Northern Ireland23286 Posts
On September 30 2019 20:20 ffswowsucks wrote:Show nested quote +On September 30 2019 19:31 Liquid`Drone wrote:
Ya, I understand that. I think being in a relationship that feels like a power struggle sounds terrible.
That you spend time with kids and wife between 3-4 and 8 is good, obviously. But the way it sounds to me, is that you spend time with kids between 3-4 and 8, that you do a good job as a father, and that you after that want to / have need for time for yourself. In a way, (and I'm not saying this to disparage, really), it reads almost a bit like you feel your 'family duties' end at 8 pm, after you've spent the rest of the day working and taking care of your family.
But your family does not end with your children, your wife might also have the need to spend some time with you without the kids around as well. I do think it's entirely fair that you do something more fun than 'watch stuff', and that if all she wants to do is 'watch stuff', and you don't have veto power in what to watch, you can actually do your own thing instead.
If the two of you cannot find a common activity that you will both enjoy spending 1-2 hours every other day or so on, that.. doesn't sound good. I cant think of anything to do with her in house. If we were like any other couple that once in a while goes out and spend time with other couples then we would be great. but no. she doesnt want that because the nanny is too expensive she says for that.
What did you used to do together or did it always involve going out somewhere together?
Grandparents are free babysitters and often relish the chance to spend time with the kids anyway, would that be an option?
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On September 30 2019 21:38 Wombat_NI wrote:Show nested quote +On September 30 2019 20:20 ffswowsucks wrote:On September 30 2019 19:31 Liquid`Drone wrote:
Ya, I understand that. I think being in a relationship that feels like a power struggle sounds terrible.
That you spend time with kids and wife between 3-4 and 8 is good, obviously. But the way it sounds to me, is that you spend time with kids between 3-4 and 8, that you do a good job as a father, and that you after that want to / have need for time for yourself. In a way, (and I'm not saying this to disparage, really), it reads almost a bit like you feel your 'family duties' end at 8 pm, after you've spent the rest of the day working and taking care of your family.
But your family does not end with your children, your wife might also have the need to spend some time with you without the kids around as well. I do think it's entirely fair that you do something more fun than 'watch stuff', and that if all she wants to do is 'watch stuff', and you don't have veto power in what to watch, you can actually do your own thing instead.
If the two of you cannot find a common activity that you will both enjoy spending 1-2 hours every other day or so on, that.. doesn't sound good. I cant think of anything to do with her in house. If we were like any other couple that once in a while goes out and spend time with other couples then we would be great. but no. she doesnt want that because the nanny is too expensive she says for that. What did you used to do together or did it always involve going out somewhere together? Grandparents are free babysitters and often relish the chance to spend time with the kids anyway, would that be an option?
I just remembered something I want to mention. I have love for movies and going to the cinema. When we were dating we used to go alot, 9 years married she not even once went to the movies with me. She only went sometimes with our daughter. Grandparents spend time with the kids mostly with her parents when she first gave birth to our daughter she didnt want my parents to spend time with our daughter and that was the reason i left the house the first time. I told her either we divorce or u let my parents see our child. I mean who does that..... The reason I guess was because her parents with my parents got into an argument.
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Northern Ireland23286 Posts
On October 01 2019 00:03 ffswowsucks wrote:Show nested quote +On September 30 2019 21:38 Wombat_NI wrote:On September 30 2019 20:20 ffswowsucks wrote:On September 30 2019 19:31 Liquid`Drone wrote:
Ya, I understand that. I think being in a relationship that feels like a power struggle sounds terrible.
That you spend time with kids and wife between 3-4 and 8 is good, obviously. But the way it sounds to me, is that you spend time with kids between 3-4 and 8, that you do a good job as a father, and that you after that want to / have need for time for yourself. In a way, (and I'm not saying this to disparage, really), it reads almost a bit like you feel your 'family duties' end at 8 pm, after you've spent the rest of the day working and taking care of your family.
But your family does not end with your children, your wife might also have the need to spend some time with you without the kids around as well. I do think it's entirely fair that you do something more fun than 'watch stuff', and that if all she wants to do is 'watch stuff', and you don't have veto power in what to watch, you can actually do your own thing instead.
If the two of you cannot find a common activity that you will both enjoy spending 1-2 hours every other day or so on, that.. doesn't sound good. I cant think of anything to do with her in house. If we were like any other couple that once in a while goes out and spend time with other couples then we would be great. but no. she doesnt want that because the nanny is too expensive she says for that. What did you used to do together or did it always involve going out somewhere together? Grandparents are free babysitters and often relish the chance to spend time with the kids anyway, would that be an option? I just remembered something I want to mention. I have love for movies and going to the cinema. When we were dating we used to go alot, 9 years married she not even once went to the movies with me. She only went sometimes with our daughter. Grandparents spend time with the kids mostly with her parents when she first gave birth to our daughter she didnt want my parents to spend time with our daughter and that was the reason i left the house the first time. I told her either we divorce or u let my parents see our child. I mean who does that..... The reason I guess was because her parents with my parents got into an argument.
It sounds a pretty bad situation all-round
Even reading your signature and seeing you have a film criticism blog, it’s obvious that you have a love of film as a hobby.
There just seems a serious lack of sensible compromise on her part (and maybe yours depending what you’ve suggested), case in point around your love of film.
If she wants to just sit and watch stuff and that’s her thing, surely could you not have a rotating home movie night where you get to pick a film, then she picks etc?
You could spend time together, you could get your fix of your hobby, but she gets a choice in what to watch too and it’s fitting in with what you both might like to do.
People are different and need different things. I know plenty of people who can work a 9-5 they don’t particularly like, come home and watch a program for a few hours, sleep, repeat that and be perfectly fine.
Personally I cannot, I need a bit of space for my hobbies and various projects to scratch that itch. Generally speaking my partners have all been sympathetic to that in the past and we’ve worked that into routines, partly because it’s kind of that aspect of me that drew them to me in the first place.
Provided it’s not to the detriment of other responsibilities, I don’t think it’s indulgent at all to do the things that keep you sane, because when I haven’t had the framework I end up miserable, bitter and no fun for my loved ones to be around.
It sounds to me that a few minor adjustments and you’d be a lot happier, but those adjustments seem extremely difficult to get in place due to various communication barriers, or possibly your wife’s reticence to implement them.
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so basically im screwed. 
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EPT
