EPTPart Two
Part Three
Forward: I dedicate this story to diarrhea. You give me horrible Taco Bell.
"Fuck!" Gary yelled as he stubbed his toe on the door.
Meanwhile, on CNN, Wolf Blitzer appeared on the screen, and said: "We have breaking news. The devastation we are seeing is unparalleled. Judging from early estimates, millions are dead. A city in ruins."
Gary watched the television from his hotel bed. The pictures on the screen showed burning buildings everywhere. "Is that Maputo, Zimbabwe?" he wondered aloud.
"No." Kate replied. "No you dumbass. It's Berlin, Germany. The city we're in."
"Oh." Gary replied.
"The goddamn werewolves attacked us, Gary."
"Ohhh. I remember that now."
"Wolves appeared out of nowhere in huge numbers." Wolf Blitzer of CNN explained, "We have no idea where they came from. Nothing lives in what was once called 'Fat B'."
"Gary, that's us." Kate said sternly.
"Shieeeet." Gary replied, continuing to watch intently, wondering how the television was still able to function now that the city was in ruins.
"Berlin has been wiped off the Earth." Wolf Blitzer explained as-a-matter-of-factly. "The UN met moments ago and voted to destroy the wolf threat."
"Good for them." Gary said, nodding.
"No, it's bad!" Kate responded. "Those are people!
Meanwhile, in Washington D.C....
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/4FzglfS.jpg)
President Chung switched off the television. "Ah, another successful false-flag attack." She proclaimed, satisfied with the results. The Ovary Office (Renamed from 'The Oval Office' when Chung took office as the first female president. She also tried to splatter the White House with red paint and rename it to the Tampon House, but the proposal was deemed unconstitutional by the Supreme Court. The same kind of thing Barack Obama did as president when he put spinning rims on the landing gear of Air Force One.) was filled with advisors, but also some people from the media. "I don't think you should say stuff like that when the press is around." Fletcher said. Fletcher was Chung's chief-of-staff, and he was gay. Not that it matters, but I'm just sayin'.
"I got that on on camera! I'm going to bring this whole house of cards crashing down!" One of the journalists yelled.
"You'd better not!" Chung replied.
"I fucking will!"
So Chung pressed a button. Miles away, a remote-piloted drone took off, armed with HELLFIRE (which is an acronym, but let's be real here: They wanted to call it 'hellfire' because it sounded cool) missiles. From the underground bunker, the remote pilot watched through a monitor as he piloted the drone. "In the pipe, five by five." he said, just to say military jargon. "Candles hot, target is cozy. Ready to torch." he said to high command. "Permission to fire." high command replied.
"Roger that, Eagle One. Rabbit in the hole, Alice going through the looking glass."
The pilot pressed down on the fire button and the drone launched a hellfire missile. In the Ovary Office, the president's aid opened the window, and the missile flew through the window and blew the fuck out of the journalist who threatened to leak the compromising footage of the president.
"Fletcher," Chung said, "Have some former Disney or Nickelodeon child star to do something scandalous, like finger their urethra on live television."
"Done." Fletcher replied, pressing a button on his tablet that had a symbol of an apple with a bite out of it on the back of the device. It was the new "Someone Took A Bite Of My Apple And I Want To Know Who Did It Right Now, I'm Not Even Kidding Around" tablet by Yum! Foods Inc., because they decided to get into the electronic hand-held device market.
"We've lost contact with Agent Sniper." Secretary of Defense Test Pilot Harrison chimed in, sounded concerned.
"He was a liability." Chung replied. "We can't have a sniper that accurate just running around. I mean, what if he goes rogue?"
"What is man, that he may go rogue?" an ominous, deep voice spoke. It was vice-president Horror Daggerstab. He was an unusual political figure, because he wore a black cloak that obscured his face, much like you'd expect the grim reaper to look. He also had a bad case of monster-face, but for some reason, people trusted him. He walked with a crooked, twisted cane that had a little skull at the top, where you hold the cane. He also had glowing red eyes. Furthermore, if that wasn't frightening enough, he NEVER used a bathroom. People began to wonder if he ate food or had a digestive system, but they were too afraid to ask, because back in 2019, President John Cena accidentally signed a bill that gave the vice-president the power to shoot electricity out his hands and legally execute anyone using bolts of lightning.
Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Rainbow Loveblossum Kerensky, rolled his eyes. Everyone in the government had weird parents, and had developed some kind of mental illness. Here is President Chung's entire administration:
+ Show Spoiler +
Vice-President Horror Daggerstab
Secretary of State Malia Obama
Secretary of Defense Test Pilot Harrison
Secretary of Interior Ann Frank Cupboardweller
Secretary of Memes Pepe McFeels
Chief-of-Staff Dragon Tamer Fletcher
CIA Director Garbage Jones
Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Rainbow Loveblossum Kerensky
Secretary of Treasury Mark Cuban
Secretary of Agriculture Farmer McVegetablePicker
Secretary of Commerce Lena Dunham
Secretary of Labor Hard Worker
Secretary of Health and Human Services Dr. Pathogen Destroyerman
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Guy Monlivesinhouse
Secretary of Transportation Car Driver
Secretary of Energy Lightbulb McPowerPlant
Secretary of Education Teacher McEducation-IsImportant
Secretary of Veterans Warhero McFormerMilitaryOfficer
Secretary of Homeland Security America Protector
Director of National Intelligence Super Secret Spyman
Representative of the United States to the United Nations Hello U. N.
Director of the Office of Management and Budget Spreadsheet McBeancounter
Administrator of the Environmental Protection Treechopper McWhalekiller-BulldozeNature
Director of Human-Animal Negotiations Cesar Millan
Secretary of State Malia Obama
Secretary of Defense Test Pilot Harrison
Secretary of Interior Ann Frank Cupboardweller
Secretary of Memes Pepe McFeels
Chief-of-Staff Dragon Tamer Fletcher
CIA Director Garbage Jones
Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Rainbow Loveblossum Kerensky
Secretary of Treasury Mark Cuban
Secretary of Agriculture Farmer McVegetablePicker
Secretary of Commerce Lena Dunham
Secretary of Labor Hard Worker
Secretary of Health and Human Services Dr. Pathogen Destroyerman
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Guy Monlivesinhouse
Secretary of Transportation Car Driver
Secretary of Energy Lightbulb McPowerPlant
Secretary of Education Teacher McEducation-IsImportant
Secretary of Veterans Warhero McFormerMilitaryOfficer
Secretary of Homeland Security America Protector
Director of National Intelligence Super Secret Spyman
Representative of the United States to the United Nations Hello U. N.
Director of the Office of Management and Budget Spreadsheet McBeancounter
Administrator of the Environmental Protection Treechopper McWhalekiller-BulldozeNature
Director of Human-Animal Negotiations Cesar Millan
"Our plans cannot be stopped." Daggerstab growled, clenching his fist. "All paths of fate converge to inevitable victory for our ambitions."
Everyone stared at him for a minute, silently. "You know," President Chung said, breaking the silence, "The rest of the journalists are still in the room, standing right there, and are recording everything we're saying, and now we have to kill them all have to have the media report on like seven celebrity scandals to make up for this."
"Please don't kill us!" one of the journalists shrieked, before bolting towards the exit. A secret service agent kicked him in the face, and dragged him back to the Ovary Office.
"Fletcher," Chung said nonchalantly, "Please dispose of these enemies of the state."
"Yes ma'am." Fletcher replied, adding, "Can I make up the story why?"
"I really don't care."
"Oh! I know! They're all part of a terrorist organization, and have been plotting for years to kill the president, and became journalists to get access to the Ovary Office. I'll even give them a really creative weapon like ninja stars or something."
The journalists were sobbing uncontrollably. "Oh stop that now." Fletcher remarked. "You'll ruin your make-up, and then we'll have to give you new make-up for when you are forced to make your 'death to america' videos that we 'found' to prove you had terrorist ties."
The journalists were then led out of the room, never to be seen again. Their families were shocked to find out they were all involved in terrorism. "We never suspected it. He always seemed like a happy boy." The mother of one of them would later recall.
"So, where's my man?" Chung asked, smiling.
Everyone was quiet and tense. Director of Intelligence Spyman (pronounced spee-mahn) cleared his throat and quietly said, "Madame President... we think Agent Oak may have been killed by werewolves."
With a shaking hand, President Chung slowly removed her glasses and set them on the desk. "Everyone besides Spyman, Daggerstab, Harrison, and Jones, leave." and everyone promptly left the room, leaving the four of them standing there over a visibly distraught President Chung. As soon as the door shut, Chung started yelling. "WHAT DID YOU SAY TO ME YOU LITTLE BITCH? I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I AM PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, GRADUATED FROM THE TOP OF MY CLASS IN HARVARD AND RECEIVED OVER 103,483,210 CONFIRMED VOTES DURING THE GENERAL ELECTION. I AM THE SMARTEST PERSON IN THIS ROOM AND WHILE I CAN'T EXPECT ALL OF YOU TO USE YOUR BRAINS AS GOOD I CAN, I AM ABSOLUTELY UP TO MY EARS IN THE SHIT OF YOUR INCOMPETENCE."
In the hallway, Secretary of Education Teacher McEducation-IsImportant sobbed softly as Administrator of the Environmental Protection Treechopper McWhalekiller-BulldozeNature tried to comfort her.
In the office, Spyman protested. "Madame, this was a very fluid situation and..."
"A FLUID SITUATION IS WHEN I DRANK TOO MUCH SPARKLING CRANBERRY JUICE AT A DONATION DRIVE DINNER AND HAVE TO PISS OUT A BRAND-NEW OCEAN THREE MINUTES BEFORE GIVING MY SPEECH TO A GROUP OF ZOO-OWNERS PROMISING THEM THAT I WILL BLOCK ANY LEGISLATION THAT SETS ALL THE ANIMALS FREE INTO THE WILD."
"We had no idea how powerful the wolf-virus would be."
"WOLF VIRUS MY ASS."
Chung threw a bunch of pens down on the desk.
"YOUR FAILURE, TO ME, IS COMPARABLE TO CAT-FAIL COMPILATION VIDEO WHERE THESE MAJESTICALLY AGILE CREATURES ARE FRIGHTENED BY UNEXPECTED SHADOWS, AND FALL WHILE MAKING ROUTINE LEAPS THAT ALMOST ANY CAT WOULD EASILY MAKE PROBABLY 100% OF THE GODDAMN TIME."
She sat down in her chair drearily. Turning her face away from her advisors, the truth hit her like a shovel in the clitoris. Her face was downcast, and her spirit seemed to melt away like rich, creamy butter.
"I have failed." She said somberly. "All I wanted was for that handsome man to make sweet love to my vagina-hole, just once. Then I would fall asleep with my head on his chest, instead of the chest of my stupid husband, who thinks Sword Art Online is a good anime. It'll never happen now... this feels like I'm watching an alternate version of Shrek, but in this one, Shrek doesn't make it to the church in time, and Princess Fiona marries Lord Farquaad."
In the hallway, Secretary of Education Teacher McEducation-IsImportant continued to cry bitterly as she heard these words. Administrator of the Environmental Protection Treechopper McWhalekiller-BulldozeNature put her arm around Secretary of Education Teacher McEducation-IsImportant's shoulder and whispered, "My favorite video game is Assassin's Krieg." + Show Spoiler +
Alternate versions:
Administrator of the Environmental Protection Treechopper McWhalekiller-BulldozeNature put her arm around Secretary of Education Teacher McEducation-IsImportant's shoulder and whispered, "It's free real estate."
Administrator of the Environmental Protection Treechopper McWhalekiller-BulldozeNature put her arm around Secretary of Education Teacher McEducation-IsImportant's shoulder and whispered, "Rosebud."
Administrator of the Environmental Protection Treechopper McWhalekiller-BulldozeNature put her arm around Secretary of Education Teacher McEducation-IsImportant's shoulder and whispered, "You're an inanimate fucking object."
Administrator of the Environmental Protection Treechopper McWhalekiller-BulldozeNature put her arm around Secretary of Education Teacher McEducation-IsImportant's shoulder and whispered, "Put the memes in the bag, onii-chan."
Administrator of the Environmental Protection Treechopper McWhalekiller-BulldozeNature put her arm around Secretary of Education Teacher McEducation-IsImportant's shoulder and whispered, "Pork chop sandwiches."
Administrator of the Environmental Protection Treechopper McWhalekiller-BulldozeNature put her arm around Secretary of Education Teacher McEducation-IsImportant's shoulder and whispered, "It's free real estate."
Administrator of the Environmental Protection Treechopper McWhalekiller-BulldozeNature put her arm around Secretary of Education Teacher McEducation-IsImportant's shoulder and whispered, "Rosebud."
Administrator of the Environmental Protection Treechopper McWhalekiller-BulldozeNature put her arm around Secretary of Education Teacher McEducation-IsImportant's shoulder and whispered, "You're an inanimate fucking object."
Administrator of the Environmental Protection Treechopper McWhalekiller-BulldozeNature put her arm around Secretary of Education Teacher McEducation-IsImportant's shoulder and whispered, "Put the memes in the bag, onii-chan."
Administrator of the Environmental Protection Treechopper McWhalekiller-BulldozeNature put her arm around Secretary of Education Teacher McEducation-IsImportant's shoulder and whispered, "Pork chop sandwiches."
Meanwhile, in Berlin...
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/AbUPbtR.jpg)
"Fuck..." Gary murmured.
Him and Kate were lying in bed together again right after ferocious, tantric, electric, vagina-splitting sex. "We can't keep doing this." Kate said, staring at the ceiling.
"Why not?" Gary asked.
"Because, Gary... wait, why do I have to explain this again? It's like you have memory loss."
"I like to use my dick as mammary floss."
"Can you stop thinking about your dick for a moment?"
"Should I think about your pussy instead?"
"No! Think about your wife."
"Gross. Disgusting. Ew, my wife. Jesus Christ. Just no. Ugh. GROSS."
"Wow, those are some fairly strong words. I never knew you actually found her repugnant. Does she have some weird body feature like she has one nipple like a chocolate chip and the other one is like a slice of salami on a balloon?"
"Oh... I don't really know. I never saw Belinda naked. She made me wear a blindfold during sex and turned all the lights off because she was so shy. I once asked her if she wanted to take a bath together and she slapped me and called me a pervert. She really is a prune."
"You mean a 'prude'?"
"I don't know all the words in all of English. So don't ask me."
"Well, I can understand that... sort of... but you must love your wife, or at least, you must've loved her to marry her."
"Well, I was rejected by the first 943 girls I asked out. I kept track of rejections in a special notebook, which I lost later after a horse ate it. The horse just snatched it out of my hands with its teeth and ate the whole book. I've been terrified of horses ever since, and I actually had a nightmare a couple weeks ago about a horse eating a dog."
"Holy crap..."
"Then I asked Belinda out and she said 'Why stop at a date? Go for greatness and ask me to marry you.' and I was like 'Sure.' because I didn't know what was going on. Also, I once had another dream where a horse ate an owl. The owl was flying and a horse just grabbed it out of mid-air and chomped on it."
"That... that's unexpected. For someone you say is very shy, she seems like she was extremely forward there."
"Yeah, that's the way she was until she channeled all of her energy into competitive knitting. Now all she cares about is advanced crochet algorithms and conceptual stitch theorem and making stuff like this. + Show Spoiler +
![[image loading]](http://i.imgur.com/NMUsOXd.jpg)
Kate turned to Gary in a dramatical manner and said, "Listen, Gary. This was the last time we're going to do this. From this moment forward, we're doing the right thing. No more cheating. No more sex."
"Aw, mannnn."
"I'm not done yet. No more promiscuity. I pledge this an oath before God and if violate this oath, may God strike me d... uh... give me a really bad cold! For two weeks!"
"Wow, that's heavy. I don't believe in God though."
"I know, you hell-bound, godless, moral-less, heathen pagan atheist."
Then Kate jumped out of bed and put all her clothes on instantly like in The Sims.
Just then, there was a knock at the door. Kate hurried over to the door, wondering if some poor survivor had made his or her way to the hotel and needed somewhere to rest that was safe. However, we she saw sent a shiver down her spine. It was The Naked Man. And he was totally naked and nude, like with his penis fully visible and stuff.
"Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit." Kate whispered, thinking frantically. There were no weapons to use. It was going to come down to hand-to-hand combat, and Kate was wearing a fairly tight dress and had high-heels, so throwing a decent kick would be difficult to do. She decided that if she karate-chopped The Naked Man's neck hard enough, it might cause him to momentarily reconsider hurting her.
"Who is it, honey?" Gary asked from the bed, while playing with his phone. "Damn, there's still no reception out here. We're in Berlin for Christ's sakes."
"Gary! The Naked Man from the warehouse is here!"
"Oh cool."
"What are we gonna do?"
"Let him in."
"Are you out of your mind?"
Gary shrugged. "I dunno."
So Kate was like fuck it and let the naked guy in because fuck it. So the door creaked open and The Naked Man covered himself with his hands and yelled, "Don't look at me! I'm naked! Jeez!"
Kate averted her eyes and asked, "Who are you?"
"I am The Wolf." http://www.dramabutton.com/
Gary and Kate reeled from this revelation. Kate stumbled back and tripped over her heels. Gary rolled out of bed and hit the floor with a weird thud. Kate fell backwards and tried to stand up but grabbed onto the television and pulled it off the wall and it broke while Gary knocked the lamp off the desk.
"Guys." The Wolf said. "It's okay. I'm on your side."
"Bullshit." Kate retorted. "You ate Gary. I thought he was dead and I was torn apart inside because I'm secretly in love with him, you fffffuck." + Show Spoiler +
"No, you can trust me."
"Okay."
"Where's the bomb?" Gary axed.
"There was no bomb." The Wolf replied. "It was a new kind of super-secret government weapon."
"Tell us about this... 'weapon'." Kate responded.
The Wolf began telling a expositional story about his tortured path. "You see," He began, "many years ago, someone in the government was watching 24 Days Later st..."
"28."
"Yeah, sorry, I can never remember the number of days. I just know it's a twenty-something number. Someone in the government was like 'What if we could make zombies real?' and they began a project called Project Z. That's where I came in. You see, I was born a wolf. I lived in the woods and ate mostly rabbits and deer. Sometimes an elk. Food was scarce. I was the runt of the litter, so I was nearly killed 37 times. I counted. I became more vicious than my peers, and eventually rose to be the leader of my pack. Then, I was eating elk every day. But then the government stepped into nature. They gave up trying to make zombies, and started trying to make werewolves real. And goddamn it, they did, the bastards. I don't hate the government, though. They're just pawns in a larger game.
But the government turned humans into wolves, and turned wolves into humans. It was disgusting. I'm what is referred to as a "werehuman" - a wolf that can occasionally turn human. They trained me to become an agent to work for an international corporation that basically runs the world to spy on their rivals. If you pull all the strings, you can't have someone usurping your power. But it happened. There was a disagreement about who was going to rule the world: White people or Chinese people. As you know, for economic reasons, all of the east-Asian countries united into the United Asian Republic and are still slowly winning the behind-the-scenes fight to take over the world."
"Hold just a second." Gary said, then went to use the bathroom. Then he came out of the bathroom and said, "Sorry, I really had to go. Continue please."
The Wolf continued, "The United Asian Republic does not want to risk a nuclear war. There is a super-secret organization known only as 'ANUS', which the Europeans don't know about. They believe it's a group of 'Fascist Terrorists', when everyone knows Fascists today are mostly non-violent weebs who love watching anime and posting dank memes. Unfortunately, ANUS members are recruited for their ability to understand memes and create memes that are scientifically proven to be lit af. They did not steal the weapon. A true memelord does not steal. They were given the weapon by the secret organization, and in it's first test run, it was set off here in Berlin, turning everyone into a wolf. I was in wolf-form when you got here, but when the weapon was activated, it turned me into a human out of the blue."
"So why did you eat Gary?" Kate demanded, still skeptical of The Wolf's true intentions.
"Because I wanted them to think Gary was dead. I also didn't eat his penis and balls because I didn't want them to think I was gay, because I'm not. I'm not gay."
"Shit on Jesus' chest..." Kate whispered, in disbelief. "That means... actually, what does that mean?"
"It means I'm not gay. I like females in a sexual way."
"No, not that. The other stuff. I was told that ANUS works for President Chung."
"They do, because President Chung works for the Asian Illuminati. She was born in Harbin, Manchuria, and is literally a Manchurian Candidate."
"But you work for Chung?"
"Not really, I'm more of a pawn being used by the various Illuminatis to fight for power and money and small children, because they use small children as currency."
"That's sick."
"You wanna know what's even sicker? They don't even take care of the small children. They just give them electronic devices, like phones and tablets to play with instead of talking to them. It's like the phone is the babysitter."
"By Tara Gilesbie... that's fucking insane. We have to stop these people."
"We can't. If we do, the human race won't be able to hold itself together and we'll be too heavily divided and the Lizard-People will see their opportunity to strike."
"Then we have to reform the illuminati so it's a nice illuminati that helps people and is kind."
"Good luck."
Just then, The Wolf's stomach started glowing red on and off. "What the fuck is that fucking fuck?" Kate asked.
"Shit..." The Wolf replied. "I knew I shouldn't have eaten that tracking device."
"Who's tracking us!?"
"Asian ANUS agents."
"We're fucked!"
"No, not necessarily... well, yeah, you probably are. Damn it. I accidentally got the last government-agent-couple killed in a similar manner, too. You'd think I'd learn, but no. I fucking suck. I hate myself. Do you have some bleach I can drink?"
Gary jumped up and said, "No time for that now!" and he threw the television set through the window. The window exploded into tiny tiny bits of glass. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING, THEY'LL HEAR US!" Kate yelled. "We're going out the window!" Gary replied, and jumped out of the window and used a bunch of parkour moves to jump his way down to the street level.
Meanwhile, above, men in black suits came up the stairwell with pistols that had silencers. The Wolf said, "I'll hold them off!" and ran towards them and said, "Guys! What's DNA short for?" but they ignored his trivia question and kept walking quickly towards the room where Kate was. Kate took off her heels and said "Sayonara, motherfuckers... I'm not saying that because you're Asian." then she jumped out of the window. The heels were actually implanted with explosives and the room blew up violently and bigly. Gary caught Kate and set her down gently.
"We gotta go." Gary said, and walked up to a black sedan. He headbutted the window out and got in. Then he started banging on the steering wheel and going "C'mon c'mon c'mon!" then he pulled down the sun-visor and the keys were up there. "Yasss!" he exclaimed, and stuck the keys into the ignition. Kate hopped into the passenger seat and said, "Who's car is this?"
"It's our car now." Gary said uber-dramatically, then started the engine. Then he shifted gears wrong and the car died. Gary restarted the car and drove off.
"We're being followed." Kate said, looking in the rear-view mirror. Indeed, there was a convoy of black SUVs following them.
"Fuck." Gary replied, glancing up at the rear-view mirror. He slammed on the gas pedal. The SUVs also sped up rapidly and began going probably like 100 mph down the empty Berlin streets, which were lined with parked cars. Gary slammed on the brakes and skidded around a corner. One of the SUVs tried to take a hard turn like that and ended up flipping horizontally before hitting the ground and exploding. Then it exploded a second time.
The lead SUV's passenger window rolled down, and an agent with a TAR-21 (google it, it looks cool) leaned out the window and started shooting at the sedan. Kate and Gary just ducked down a bit and none of the bullets hit them, because all you have to do to avoid being shot is to duck down slightly. "We're gonna need to do something drastic here!" Gary yelled, and then jerked the steering wheel hard and they veered off through a park, and began weaving around trees. The SUVs tried to follow, but they were not as good at driving as Gary, and began crashing into trees and park benches and water fountains, and every time they crashed, their vehicles exploded. In one case, a man jumped out, completely engulfed in flames, and he exploded. He dropped his gun and the gun exploded.
The chase continued into the countryside, where there was only one SUV left, which used the classic "pit maneuver" to cause Gary and Kate's vehicle to spin and crash into a snowbank. The SUV sped past them, and then did a sharp U-turn.
"We're fucked!" Gary yelled, and slammed his hands down on the steering wheel. The SUV was driving towards them at full speed.
"No we're not." Kate said, determinedly. She reached into her purse and pulled out a little thing of lip gloss and threw it and it hit the SUV's windshield and bounced off harmlessly. "Ha, fail!" The driver said.
But it was folly to do so, since the SUV skirted off the ground and began front-flipping vertically and exploded in mid-air.
There was silence.
Gary attempted to start the car, but when he turned the key, absolutely nothing happened. "What the fuck?" Kate asked.
"According to my phone's thermometer, it is negative twenty-one degrees outside." Gary stepped out and lifted the hood of the car. Sure enough, the engine was covered in ice and had icicles hanging off of it. "The engine is frozen." He said, getting back into the car to avoid the wind-chill.
"So that's it, then. We survived all that just to die of winter cold." Kate replied drearily.
"No..." Gary replied. "I have a theory, and it's just so stupid, that it has to work!"
"What can possibly save us now?"
"If we have sex, we can use our body-heat to unfreeze the engine and save our hides!"
"Gary, I swore an oath never to have sex with you again. Okay? We're done with that phase of our lives."
Gary took his dick out anyway, and began rubbing it to get it erect. "What are you doing?" Kate asked. "Didn't you hear what I just said?"
"Let's be honest," Gary replied. "You want to get some of this vitamin D in your system. Also, you've told me approximately 100 times that it was 'the last time' and that our relationship was over, so how about you cut the fucking bullshit right now, man the fuck up, grow some fucking balls, but not literally because that would be an atrocity to science, and admit what you really feel: that your husband's little buddy is going to continue to shrivel up to the size and color of a raisin, and will probably also taste like one, too, and that's relevant because you once told me that you hate raisins, and that you know deep down in your heart that he's never going to recover and that you're moving on because you can't stay attached to some shrimp-dicked cucknugget because you're in love with the past. Well, Kate, the past is fucking gone. It's fucking gone, Kate. You know it, I know it, and deez nuts know it. If that makes you a 'bad person', then fuck it. I'm past being a 'good person' or 'bad person' because my job involves shooting people, selling weapons to terrorist groups who fight terrorist groups that we used to sell weapons to, shooting more people, getting into car chases, carrying out assassinations via shooting people, and learning foreign languages so that I can communicate with fellow intelligence agents around the world."
"What? I only caught that last part." Kate said, because she was so busy undressing that whole time. Then he put his thingie into her you-know-what and they began making sex to each other HARD. With each thrust of their hips their internal body temperature began to rise and soon, the windows began to fog up. The engine's layer of ice began to drip from how hot and steamy it was getting.
"Oh God." Kate moaned as she dung her talons deep into Gary's flesh.
"Take this average-sized penis you promiscuous female person!" Gary grunted, while ejecting his baby-making chemicals into Kate's tube of reproduction.
They both slumped over. "Oh fuck..." Kate said, gasping, "That coitus was down-right marginally agreeable. But Gary, listen, we can't keep doing this, we really can't..."
"Not now, bitch." Gary said, and turned the key in the ignition.
The engine roared to life, as it was now bonafide unfrozen. "We did it." Gary exclaimed. "The power of fuck has saved us, once again."
The car sped off into the distance, and Gary immediately crashed into a telephone pole. "Shit on a fish!" he yelled.
Will Gary and Kate die in the cold, now that Gary has crashed the car like a drunken lunatic? Find out on the next episode of Dragonball Z!
To be continued...? MAYBE??
