I'm Opening a F@%king Restaurant

Prologue

I've noticed a lot of restaurants and diners are kind of the same these days. You have a very bland 'same old same old' feel when you go to new places. There is the classic "burger and fries" joint that serves, well, burgers and fries, along with a variety of other greasy-ass sandwiches. There's the pizza diner, where you go and wait 20 minutes for a pizza to bake. There's the "Chinese" place, which serves non-authentic not-really-Chinese stuff; same with these so-called "Mexican" places which serve delicious burritos filled with meat and covered in cheese. In the real Mexico, the people just eat beans and rice PLAIN. Sometimes they also will just grab a gila monster off the ground and eat its fat tail. If a rabbit wanders into town, it is fucking done, because they will just swarm that shit and eat it, bones and everything, right on the spot. The same goes for foxes, except for Vicente Fox. Nobody can eat Vicente Fox.

Yeah, maybe you live in a big city and are just like "Well, I love pho. I just go the pho place and eat pho twenty-pho seven." and if you're Vietnamese, good for you, but if you're some white-ass honky, then shut the fuck up, you fucking hipster, stop talking and go back to listening to the Rickety Spigots rare B-Side album that only you have because you found the lost mixtape while dumpster diving looking for fedoras.

What I'm doing is new and innovative. This isn't some recycled dumbass idea like "Hey, let's take something that already is popular and combine it with something else popular like putting pancakes on pizza and make breakfast pizzas covered in maple syrup" which would be wildly popular in Canada, where they drink 16 Oz of maple syrup per day minimum. I got the idea while eating at this one Mexican joint, where, of course, I ordered some beef enchiladas. You have to keep in mind, this was back in 2004, when it was still cool to order beef enchiladas. But anyhow, one of my non-friends who tagged along with my group of friends ordered something weird on the menu and it wasn't until after he got it that he was like "What the heck is this?" and the waitress just smiles and goes "It's cow-tongue". So the guy didn't want it anymore, because he's a fucking pussy bitch. I mean, he's such a pussy-ass bitch that I can't believe he joined the air force, and if he ever flies, I bet he'll wear some kind of special military diaper because he'll be crapping his pants the whole time. So I go "Let me try that." and tried some of the cow-tongue meat. It was surprisingly quite good. It was tender and juicy. But still, it was tongue. The stigma of eating some meat that wasn't part of the cow that we normally ate was overbearing. I mean, imagine if we never found out it was tongue. It would've been the best thing ever.

Also, while we were there, a girl was dared to drink the bowl with the spicy green salsa and she fucking did it. I am convinced to this day that later on, she had the worst diarrhea of her entire life.



New Restaurant

Cafe de la Vagina BBQ, the premiere place for delicious vagina meat! BRING THE WHOLE FAMILY.

HEY KIDS, DO YOU LIKE EATING PUSSY? DO YOU LIKE EATING PUSSY LITERALLY? AT CAFE DE LA VAGINA BBQ, WE OFFER A WIDE VARIETY OF THE FINEST PUSSY-BASED DISHES IN THE WORLD, AND WE ARE WORLD FAMOUS. OUR CUISINE IS FUCKING AWESOME, AND YOU WILL FIND YOURSELVES CRAVING PUSSY AFTER TRYING OUR NEW PIG-VAGINA W/ HONEY BBQ SAUCE SERVED WITH A BAKED POTATO THAT IS CUT IN SUCH A WAY THAT IT KIND OF LOOKS LIKE A SLIT IN A VULVA.

OR MAYBE YOU'RE IN THE MOOD TO EAT A BEAR'S VAGINA, WE GOT THAT.

RABBIT VAGINA? WE COOK THAT.

ALLIGATOR VAGINA? WE MAKE THAT.

OUR ENTIRE RESTAURANT IS MADE OF MEAT. SO IF YOU'RE A VEGETARIAN, FUCK OFF.



Menu:



Our vagina in a potato is a classic dish that combines authentic vagina meat with the obvious double-entendre of using the potato as a symbolic vagina-like object. Sweet potatoes are also available.




You don't want to even know what this is, but if you don't eat it, you're a scared little virgin bitch.




Perhaps you're a little twinky faggot who wants to get some dick in your mouth. You're in luck! We serve delicious sausages made with authentic dick-meat from various animals, including: Cow, Pig, Bear, Deer, Orca, Blue Whale, Wild Boar, Armadillo, Wolf, and of course, Giraffe.




Our "Cunninlinguine" is made with freshly-ground vagina-meat and combined with a rich marinara sauce to create a bold and zesty flavor which will undoubtedly give you the worst diarrhea in recorded history. Enjoy!




For desert, we have bacon-pie.




ALL OF OUR WAITERS AND WAITRESSES WILL BE DRESSED IN BABY-SUITS. DON'T QUESTION IT, JUST ACCEPT IT.



Anyone who asks why will be asked politely to leave the restaurant and if you do not comply, we will call the cops. Sometimes, we'll call the cops even if you don't do anything wrong.

So uh, come on down...

...on a vagina!

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